Monthly Archives: August 2013
perhaps I’m schizo?
My mind is going around the bend
Will it ever stop, will this ever mend?
I know I’m different to those out there
Those humans who live life daily without care
I am a special sort of folk, those out there would say bespoke
But I am more than just a novelty as you will surely see
I am a different kind of fish, from within a different sea
My mind isn’t structured in the way that you would like
My psychology is different to yours that is apelike
I am not a human, I’m pretty sure of that
For I wander endlessly about different kinds of facts
Am I more than human? Will I surely know?
I have yet to find the truth, perhaps I am schizo?
Filed under poetry
impersonal thoughts
My thoughts, actions, words and deeds are observed heavily
My mind is not my own
It is no longer personal, private or shielded
It is an open doorway to all who wishes to venture within
This is my world as I live with other kin
The format for life is not the same
It is not structured to sound sane
Sometimes it’s a blessing and other times a bane
But I love this world of mine
I love it, because it’s divine
Constancy in thought, action, word and deed
Are the rules of this world, the ones to heed
It is quite simple, just let go of greed
Filed under poetry
dragon queen
The dragons are talking
A new queen has been found
She fell in love with a prince
The one who will wear the crown
If it was plotted it couldn’t have been better
With her impeccable breed
But it was a fluke they fell in love
As everyone will agree
Two dragons they are waiting
For their kingdom to be rebuilt
To take the new queen to another world
Do not feel the guilt
There’s no attachment here to her
She isn’t at one with man
So take her to the other world
As soon as you can
Filed under poetry
rubble in my mind
There is rubble in my mind
Broken fragments of confidence that once was
Smashed bricks laying around my mind like a relic of past self-esteem
Amongst the rubble is a lost person
Where she is, nobody knows and they probably won’t find her again
Even if these relics mend, she would be different, I would be different
I’d be a stranger to past friends
Hopefully she won’t be found again, the me that’s lost
As I’ve learned a lot since I was broken down
I’ve learned not to hide my inner frown
I no longer say OK, Yes if you like, I instead have learned not to bite
I now say no, I correct others, without fear of being shunned
Without being ridiculed and abashed for being scum
I now speak my mind, I won’t change that
It did me no good years ago and that’s a fact
To keep quiet
That’s not good, it keeps you very misunderstood, trodden on, under the thumb
People think that you’re dumb when you say yes all the time or agree a lot
It’s best to say what you truly want
Living in fear of other people’s reaction will attract more people like those you hate, it’s a cosmic attraction
So you may as well be, as you like
Whether you speak your mind or not, there’s always a fight
Whose side are you on? Your enemies or your own?
You’d better choose yourself, or you’ll always be alone
Yes my mind is broken, but it’s on it’s way to repair
Though I’ve shed so many tears and lived life in despair
Though I’m mocked most thoroughly by those who think they know
The truth as they see it, but they don’t truly know
I mock those idiots who are blind to see, the life I had to live
For I know the truth quite well and I did try to give
But people only want to see what they want to see
Whether another has told them otherwise, it makes them feel safe and brassy
But if they want to close the door to the truth that I have known, then forgive me as I close the door to those who had thrown the stones
I cannot live a lie anymore, I will speak the truth
But if you cannot bear it, then I’ll do so via sleuth
Yes my mind is broken, but the old me I’ve outgrown
A better stronger queen will emerge, for I have found my throne
So walk on by fake family, those who tried their best, to take me from my kindred and make my mind a mess
For I am not needful now, nor will I ever be
For I have found the people, who will set me free!
Filed under poetry
between worlds
I’m locked in my mind of complexity
How I feel lost in my eternity
Living between worlds I’m prosthetically
Living a lie in one and overwhelmed by tragedy
This world of man drives me insane you see
The world of hope still awaits for me
But does it exist oh please give a clue
For at the moment I’m lost and without a clue
To break free from mortal bonds will let me see
That my whole life is not a tragedy
But for now all I can do is grieve
For the life that’s lost and I wish I could flee
Oh I wonder where I belong
But till I find it, I’ll have to be strong again
To live in a world of lies
Until my soul is free and flies
Filed under poetry
Simply be
There are problems in my life that I have sought to solve
I think I may have done it, but the problems later always seem to unfold
There are people like bad pennies, which always come back to me
Whenever I’ve learned to relax or simply be just me
This site it doesn’t help too much, especially when they spy
But I hope they’ll just forget me and close their blinded eyes
I want to be left alone, to find what I need to find
A newer lease of life, with people of my own kind
So if you did forget me dear and this post has reminded you of me
Please do not contact me, just let me simply be
Nothing you can say will solve mums aching heart
Because every time you reel me in, I again, want to depart
So no amount of chasing, guilt trips or words will send me back to you
Because the life I had to live, you still don’t have a clue
You support a trickster, who does things behind your back
I am waiting for the day when she turns on you and then you’ll see her cracks
That day isn’t long to go, for she’s running out of people
And hopefully I won’t be around to see another sequel
This poem is based on the current events of my life. The main reason why I haven’t bothered with this blog is because this site is linked to people who I am related to and this sort of reminds them of my existence and I get grief from them. I will not spend a lot of money on a new site and name, this blog isn’t and was never free for me I’ve paid to have a lot of the mod cons and I am in no position to waste money nor spend it again on another blog – so these people will simply have to live with this site or delete it from their emails.
I’ve already decided not to talk about my life on this blog, so what more can I do? Why they are so jealous of the fact that I want to make something of myself is beyond me – because I was always of the mind-set that my successes are the those of my family too – but now they are just my successes as I’ve decided they’re undeserving as they have never supported me in what I wanted to do, only what they’ve wanted me to do. They must be, because let’s face it, why else would they cause me grief making me so depressed I don’t even eat anymore or do anything, losing the zeal of my life – they know this, every time they say something bad to me I just freeze up in every sense of my life. That’s why I can’t be around those people.
They sit back and wonder why I never did much when I’ve suffered a lifetime of depression, every time I get zeal for something I go about it originally nervously – because I know once anyone in that family of mine knows I’ve got the zing for life they will do everything in their power to A – make me feel guilty about it or B make my life such hell again that I freeze up again. They do this deliberately, I’m not stupid, and I’ve always seen their game.
They know I am or were easily played like a Queen piece in a chess game and they knew this it’s common knowledge.
I am going to try and restart this blog how it was intended to be used, I miss it and I miss my zeal for life – my mum and my brother always felt that I’ve never been ambitious and that’s because I’ve never been allowed to be by mum; any indication that I was making plans or going somewhere were stamped on ferociously by her and I am not going to allow this again – even if I have to change my name entirely by deed poll, move house, immigrate and save up for another six months to get another blog, I will do it, so let that be a warning to you to back off. Because once you start up again, there will be no way on this Earth anyone will find me again, believe me, I am sick of the bad pennies coming back all the time!
So keep away, if you genuinely care that much about me, you’d heed my warning in fact, you’d have heeded it months ago but you didn’t then and I don’t expect you to again, you can’t help yourselves.
Filed under About Me