Struggling with depression on a major scale in the past four days, it could either be because of my immune system crashing around me, my hormones or the fact that there is something I miss deeply and no one understands. I am desperate to express myself on this matter, but I can’t without coming across as nuts, so I don’t bother.
No one understands the kind of person that I am, I have tried in the past to talk it through with other people, but let me tell you, there is only so much another person’s mind can take, before they switch off and decide perhaps you’re too messed up to talk to again?
Yet to me the only thing that remains abundantly clear to me and would be very healing to me is this… just talking freely with a non-judgemental person, whilst snuggling with said person and being loved, genuinely loved, without obligations for anything other than my reciprocation to them.
The kind of person I am, the liberal-mindedness that I have as well as my spirituality makes me a difficult person to befriend.
The notion that I see everyone as family, but will avoid certain people if they make me feel supressed or judged in any way, is something that some people find hard.
The fact that I believe in open relationships and I am bisexual and I am quite open about my likes as dislikes as I am not ashamed of who I am, so why should others be?
The fact that I am both a humanist and a spiritual person; which cannot really describe my beliefs as I am my own unique mix:
The idea too that I am healing from a huge mass of abuse and hiding a truly awful history and only tell people the thin surface of my life via getting in touch with my inner child and creative self, which means to onlookers think I am an irresponsible weird, immature, Pollyanna who is a tad too spooky for their liking.
The idea I grow and eat weeds in my garden and let most of my garden be wild and talk to the wildlife that I come across as freely as any child.
The idea that I get hyperactive after consuming candies and I react like any high child would!
The fact that I get so absorbed by my own imagination and blocking out the bad stuff in my mind from the past with fantasy after fantasy, to the extent I lose track of time and sometimes forget how old I am.
All of this… is hard for other people.
Which I find ironic, because I have actually lived through harder things that just listening and observing someone healing themselves! It’s quite funny really, that people have the audacity to tell me, that they find my life too hard for them, that they have to leave. Don’t they realise that in order to heal and be better, they need someone to care, but someone who can be impartial, just a listener, just a support with kind words and affirmations. That just sharing who you are as raw as possible, should build such a strong friendship, a bond to last? It’s not someone trying to offload their burden onto your shoulders, that is impossible, you could never feel as bad as that person feels, because your experiences are different!
Until those moments, a lot of those people in my past were very nearly, very close friends with me. But they, like everyone, wants to know you more and want to pry into your secrets, but then they run away when once they know the true past you’ve hidden from them! My past is not criminal, my past is not the past of a junkie or a drunk or an abuser of any sort, my past is the past of a victim. That is all. I could understand if my personal past was more sordid, but it’s not, that’s what baffles me the most!
I often want to shout at people who decide they can’t cope with what they know about me to the extent they can’t look at me anymore, but I don’t because I am very passive by nature. I am very accepting that nobody really cares and I am alone on an emotional level in the world and perhaps always will be.
I want to shout out “Well what about me? I can’t do that, gee thanks for leaving me to cope on my own then, you coward”! Who needs friends like those anyways?
Then there are those who say they would stick around, if only I cried. It’s the fact that I don’t cry that gets people thinking it’s a lie. They don’t consider that showing emotions and crying is actually extremely bad in my family and that being an emotional person is beaten out of you! You are around violence so much that you learn when someone shouts at you, that you don’t take their eyes off them a moment, you stare unblinking at them and don’t show emotion, because it could be dangerous if you did. Much better to switch everything off whilst staying fully alert at all times!
So, because I don’t cry, they think I lie.
It is this reason that I find it hard to truly heal, even therapists have had to give up my case because they too, couldn’t cope and they were in tears, whereas I was passing them the tissues with dry eyes unmoved by them!
This is why I often dream of suicide, dream of starting again.
But I am terrified.
Because if life is a lesson that I have to learn before I am allowed better things, then do I have to live through all of this again in another life? Hell no!
My soul will surely self-destruct if that were true!
Thing is, I do cry. I cry all the time, alone in my bed when no one is around. I cry alone in the spare room, if it is night time, because its ingrained into me, no one should see you being weak, not ever, not no how!
Happy Reading I suppose, I wasn’t happy writing this and felt I should delete it, but who knows, maybe you’ll care?