Home update, diet change & differences

I am still writing and I still intend to get published in the future, but my timeline has had to be shifted dramatically because of a lot of new things happening in my life.

An old friend has reacquainted themselves with me and along with this I am also preparing the house to take in Ukrainian refugees, as well as trying to manage the worsening symptoms of my disabilities.

Also with this, Paul has bought it to my attention that we may also move house within the next few months and so there will be an even bigger upheaval.

My original publication goal was to send my work to an agent at the beginning of autumn of this year, hoping to be published within the next two years – but with these new events going on, it may be pushed back further, because I am very dedicated to working to the best of my ability to help the Ukrainians settle in and feel at home.

We’re unsure whether or not I will get a brood bitch for the service dog charities and do that this year, because of all the other things going on now.  But I hope to definitely be a brood bitch carer sometime in the future.

Also my hearing has got far worse, even with a hearing aid I am struggling and my hearing is now at 6 hertz, very low, without a hearing aid.  Because we are unsure what is happening with the refugees we will be taking on, we are holding off approaching a charity for a hearing dog for me, but it is something we have thought about.

Paul gave me some good news the other day that the bad neighbour may be moving out soon with his girlfriend because her daughter wants more independence around her house and she is tired of the conflict he is causing with her neighbours.  It still means that for this year I have lost another prime growing season, but hopefully next year I will be able to do my gardening again – it is desperately needed as things are overgrown to a very anti-social level now, primarily due to the fact that I feel sexually harassed by the neighbour when I am out there as he stalks me and acts lewdly around me – lewd for me is something that will shock people who know me well… because… well let’s just say, I am not known for being a prude!

This may mean if he moves out before Paul’s timeline, we may actually stay after all!  As we were only going to move out because of the bad neighbour, because I need the freedom to go in my garden without harassment and bullying and hearing him make loud speculations about my life to whoever is visiting him at the time – often crude and outlandish speculations at that!

Henry has been very distressed to the point of suicide because of bullying at school and the fact he may have to leave what he feels is his ancestral home, because of another bully next door!  Henry’s family on Paul’s side has lived in this house since 1956, that is 66yrs that this house has been in the family and Henry is proud of that, because also the family has lived in this village for 325 years next summer!

Not many children this day and age in the UK can claim such a heritage and Henry is not happy about breaking these family traditions of remaining in the area, even though it is Paul and I’s dream to move to a more secluded region.

We have a double bedroom available for Ukrainian refugees, we feel that we could put in a bunk bed, with a single bed and a cot, but whether or not whoever is arranging this for us, will agree to that, we do not know!

But hopefully whoever comes does not have a pet fur allergy as we have a house rabbit and would like a dog.

I have always enjoyed learning languages, I know French and Italian to better than tourist level, but not fluently and I am willing to learn how to speak Ukrainian to help them.  But Paul is all in for integration and has been coaxing me not to learn Ukrainian so that they have to learn English.  I have learned some words in Ukrainian and found that it is very similar to Slovakian, my sister in law is Slovakian and some small words she taught me are actually the same in Ukraine.

I have Latvian, Russian and Lithuanian friends, who live in this street, so they will have people to socialise with, readily. 

We researched the culture of Ukraine and I was delighted to find that the diet they have is exactly like or very near to my own personal diet – because my diet is much different to Paul’s and Henry’s because of my multi-cultural heritage.

Paul was delighted to find that too, because a lot of the food here is often thrown away as I can’t eat enough of it, and he and Henry don’t like it so won’t touch it – this means less waste for us!

I home make sauerkraut, pickles, I eat a lot of baked or pan fried fish, I have a lot of different soups and I make bone broth for myself a lot and I use paprika in 75% of all my dishes and we have crepes with berries at least twice a week, they’ll feel at home, basically!

Paul and Henry try to eat the Italian side of my heritage along with Paul’s English food, but other than that, they don’t really eat what I eat.  My personal diet isn’t very English – if I have a roast I have things that English people only have at Christmas time, cranberries and apple sauce for example, which Paul has got addicted to recently – the apple sauce – he isn’t too keen on cranberries.

He is starting to get used to the idea of paprika and or cinnamon in everything too!  I am trying to get him into the habit of remembering to use fresh herbs when he roasts meats and to baste with the herbs some of it, but that needs more coaxing!

I won around five years ago, to move him away from boiling veg to steaming or pan frying instead and cutting out salt in almost everything; though I acquiesce you need salt on some potatoes, sea or rock salt though!

I don’t think I will ever get him to like beetroot though – not even in crisp form.

I have recently learned that a lot of my food intolerances and allergies were not the things that I thought they were… this have opened doors for me again! 

I found out I was not intolerant to gluten or lactose, but I was intolerant to the products that contain soy or soya instead!  This is amazing and also I found out that I need a reduced fat diet because having fat too much in one day can make me react like a person who has lactose intolerance, so now I have managed my diet to include lactose and gluten, but I must remain strictly soy free and low fat!

I would never have found this out if it weren’t for my re- acquaintance to my friend Frank, who was very concerned at the prospect that I was becoming malnourished and were visibly losing muscle density.

So now I may eat lactose and gluten again, but I must avoid all soy and soya products, unfortunately it means no Chinese food, until I can home make them soy free!

Soy is in everything though, so though it has opened a lot of doors to me, I must check everything I buy to eat like some kind of paranoid creature because as Paul has found out… one product will be soy free, but the same product in another store from another factory may not be!  We was caught out the other week with Snickers, they were soy free and I had 9 bars in a multi-pack, but then we bought a single bar in a different store and I reacted badly that night, confused, we dived down the bin for the wrapper to find that it does contain soy!  But not all Snickers do!

It’s odd.

Anyway, thanks for reading – there will be an art update soon!

Background to previous post

Background to my former post

In 2004 I experienced a really bad break up with my ex-boyfriend, I had no support whatsoever offline with my family about it and I had a breakdown.  I was even mocked for having such strong feelings for him to the extent that I allowed the break to upset me so much.

Every time I mentioned my boyfriend in memory to my family, they were on the attack about “oh you’re going on about him again” but they didn’t appreciate that I lived with him for several months and that he was a huge part of my life.

Alone and broken I turned to talking to people online in online forums, something before this time, I vowed I would never get into.  But when you lack emotional support from people who are supposed to care about you, you do anything to try and get some attention and some clarity about your life and anyone who were positive about things, were someone you wanted to cling to.

I know I did at the time and I was in such a vulnerable emotional state I found some people that were better left undiscovered.

I found a guy who suggested various spiritual forums and I found a website that focused on the indigo children movement, at first it was a freedom of speech haven, a place where everyone was running on positive energies and were really kind and nice to each other.  Everyone was dedicated to world peace and creating freedom for everyone, freedom of expression, freedom of individuality and a whole world unity – a new world order kind of.

There were lots of people who believed that they were the new promised generation, who in the age of information and knowledge would expand the world with freedom of choice and break down boundaries and teach people unification, brotherhood, developing the whole of humanity into a kind of swarm mind-set as a way of forming world peace.

It was great for two whole years and I felt I found my place in the world, until autumn of 2008 where a cult discovered the site and started to pollute the website with their brainwashing and very negative ideologies.  They attacked all positivity and all freedom of speech if it went against their own principles.

I was one of a handful of people that they attacked the most because I stood up to them the most and refused to be converted into their dangerous society.

At the time I thought this was an isolated group that needed dealing with purely on this forum as it is probably just a small group of friends or even related to each other that are out to radicalise vulnerable people in the forum or to make us give up on our mission for world peace.

I was wrong, seriously wrong!  This group was big and it was growing rapidly and it is still growing to this day!

This group goes by many different names and has many different sub groups and they stalk, they stalk a lot!

I left the forum in February 2009 because I was drained of their negativity and I was tired fighting in their pathetic make-believe war that they had raged on me.

I know they believe me to be an evil creature because of the values I hold dear, these are the values that I hold dear and fought fiercely to uphold and still do fight fiercely to uphold to this day because I believe them to be good and wholesome things that will eventually bring about world peace when the world is ready to tolerate and integrate;

Gender identity is a personal choice

Homosexuality is fine because it is a form of love and all love is sacred and should be nothing to be ashamed of!

Polygamy is only acceptable if it is done openly and without secrecy and that all parties involved know and love each other enough to communicate openly with what they do and do not agree with and that all parties are unharmed emotionally and physically and all are in agreement to new relationships!

If you feel the need to attack someone for their beliefs, you obviously subconsciously doubt your own, because people, who are confident in their beliefs and their convictions, could never feel the need to attack and harm another for theirs!  Negativity comes from a place of insecurity!

There should be no borders as humans are creatures of the world and no one should own the world and put a price on what is our natural right – food, water, shelter, clothing, happiness, health, light and warmth!

If you are coming from a state of depression, the best cure is to find someone who needs your help, keep yourself busy and give yourself a purpose, think and act selflessly, that is the key to happiness – do not wallow!

Reminding the Christian radicals that Jesus was a Jew and he was also a rabbi as well as a carpenter and that he did not in fact, invent Christianity, Christianity was invented 300yrs after his death!  He was very devout as a Jew and would literally turn in his grave if he had known how much he had divided his Jewish brethren more by his actions!

You cannot teach anyone anything but fear when you use violence, you also teach them to be violent when you use violence – respect is not earned through violent displays, that is only fear – fear and respect are completely different things, learn the difference!

You earn respect by your deeds, if you are kind, calm and if you are giving and if you are unconditional, then you deserve respect, as long as you too, can respect others in turn, wholly and unconditionally.

Learn to love unconditionally, this mean accepting people for their beliefs, their lifestyles and not making their lives your business!  Interfering and non-acceptance causes negativity and negativity interrupts the peace we are trying to achieve in our lives… learn to tolerate and realise that everyone is on a journey of learning about who they are and who they are becoming and that it can take 50yrs for a person to decide who they are going to be, so have patience and be loving!

Balance is essential, you need both dark and light, warm and cold and so on, or life cannot possibly exist – to fight against one half of the balance will throw the world and universe into chaos and life would no longer be viable!

Good and evil is subjective – some would say that killing an animal for food is evil; others say that it is essential for their survival – others would kill rats to keep the population reasonable so that other creatures food sources are kept safe, others would suggest it is evil to kill those rats and to let nature take its course.  Some would say that plants too have thoughts and feelings and so that vegans are no better than meat others, other people would pooh pooh the idea that plants have thoughts and feelings.  It is all subjective, this is why people need to work together about what things they are willing to compromise to come to a collective agreement about what is good or evil – this can only come from a place of tolerance, what is the average person willing to tolerate?  This is why I love social science, it is a means of finding the common ground, but society changes with every generation, because we are all still growing and getting to know ourselves individually as well as a species. 

This is why I love the internet and having freedom of speech, my thoughts, my opinions matter, every ones does, but you have to be tolerant of others and non-judgemental.  This means buttoning your lips when you hear something you don’t agree with, if you feel that you may respond from a place of aggression, rather than just simple thoughtful dialogue.  If the conversation is sounding heated or voices are raised or emotions are running high, it is time to stop the conversation, agree to disagree and return to calmness to gather your thoughts, so that you do not end up fighting and getting emotionally hurt or hurting others in the process, or else we’re never going to move on!

This is why in real life, when things are said that I do not like, I initially speak out about my feelings, concentrating on myself and how I feel about it, without personally attacking the other person – if the other people seems affronted or raises their voice I just smile and nod and say, well, that’s just me and I move away from the conversation.  Unfortunately quite a few people allow themselves to continue and won’t let a conversation go and this is wrong because you have then decided to start a conflict with a person who did not intend to start a conflict initially – if you are that person, then you are the one who is wrong, because you should have respected the other persons place to want to end the conversation, quite literally, for peace sake!

All of these things, branded me as an evil creature by these radicals.  Most of these things they attacked and spat out that it came from evil sources and not to be trusted and not to be acted upon.

People tend to not read a person’s words, or hear a person speak, they always think that they are smarter because they can read between the lines and that it is more than just those simple words you have spread.  It isn’t always like that.

I will tell you now that those people I have problems with, still stalk me after 12yrs of me choosing to become silent.  They go on every social media, every website where they see who I am and where I am and make their presence known, because in their minds, their sick minds, they have not finished with me yet.

They are connected to some very well-known cults in the world, one of which was big news in Colorado last year for the death of their female leader who died in a horrific circumstance.  These are the people that I have to contend with, these are the people who haven’t learned to let go, these are the people that still, to this day are bothering me!

Because they think that I am the evil creature, the evil in this world that needs to be eradicated, they celebrate all of my failures, they cheer at all of my problems and they are determined, until the day that I die, that they will not stop!

I used to think, back in 2008 that they were a small problem, I have learned more recently that they have so many sub groups around the world and have spread their wings, that we are looking at tens of thousands of members, who live their life trying to undo everything that world peace commands.

It’s a very real problem and I was silent about it until now, because it is embarrassing and I do not want to be put into the same calibre as David Icke – no they are not aliens and reptilians, even though these groups really do believe that they are channelling aliens from Arcturus and Lyra through Jesus – but I think it’s all stupid notions from sick minds, minds that are determined to reign supreme on the earth and take humanity into space and suppress them, in the name of Jesus.

It’s worrying, I would name the groups here, but that may increase my problems.  I am expecting this post to increase problems as it is.  But there you go, this is why I write certain poems, some of my poems are a mockery of their beliefs, because I find them to be dangerous, but my poems are also words of caution and remembrance.  How to rise above such idiocrasy!

I respect religions when religions are true to their source; I cannot respect religions who spout things that are not in their scriptures and those who make things up as they go along.  Those religions are very dangerous to the minds of humanity and the journey to peace on earth and general human progression!

These people do not like to be reminded what is truly in their scriptures, because ultimately they have not read their scriptures, because they are confident in the voices that are in their minds – they truly do believe that they are channelling messages directly from Jesus himself.  It’s dangerous.

I know this subject may lose my many followers, but I do hope that I have opened some people’s eyes to the real evil that is in their world right now!

Anything that goes against freedom of choice and world peace must be an evil thing!

Thank you for reading!

Christian Witch Paradox

Christian witches what a paradox

They like to put people in the school of hard knocks

Cursing and blessing it’s all the same to them

But their scriptures disagree when they pray amen

I know some people who say they are this

But I sit back and listen I think they take the piss

How can they be both, don’t they know their bible?

They better ask their Jesus about the libel!

Because I am sure he says “Suffer not the witch to live”

But they think the laws of God are there to take and give!

I will never understand the Christian witch

The ones who sit back and call me a bitch

Because I show them the truth of what they are

That according to their bible they have crossed the bar

I think that they will have a shock

When they reach up to heaven and they are blocked

Because a witch is a witch no matter what you say you are

A witch is a witch you’ll go to the morning star!

I am sorry to anyone I may have offended, but this poem was written because I recently learned there are people in the world who think I am an evil thing that needs to be stopped, they call themselves Christian witches and they have felt the need to tell me that my sickness is due to them cursing me because they want me dead. How nice is that?

I was raised by Christian radicals and they taught me that it is impossible to be a true christian when you have hate in your heart and that you could actually harm another person because their beliefs are different to yours. All life is sacred under God, this is the christian doctrine my family put into my head – I don’t know where these so-called Christian witches have got their beliefs from, but as far as I understand Christianity it is not there! Maybe stop channeling those demons you keep talking to? As you have told me you have been channeling Jesus in meditations… are you sure its him?

Sorry for putting this on my blog, but this has been going on for some years and it is starting to grate, because I am 40 soon and I am getting too old for all of this stupid playground crap!

To those christian witches doing this and still stalking me after all these years – Grow up and get your own life instead of trying to ruin others and act like a proper Christian, if you have the heart to do so!

Embarrassed by being overly optimistic

This is embarrassing, but for the past few weeks, life here has been difficult and almost non-existent;

Henry became ill and had a lot of time off from school, this made my vulnerable immune system become overloaded with new bugs to deal with and I had a chest infection (not covid) that was so bad, I sprained all the muscles in my chest and back so badly all I could do for the past four weeks was sleep or just remain in bed.

I am still not over the infection, but a majority of the pain is leaving and I am able to be on my desktop for no longer than an hour a day now.

I have tried to write my stories on the laptop but I am still not used to typing at my speed in a different angle and it isn’t working as well, I tried to go back to my preferred writing method of handwriting, but my hands are swelling and holding a pen is becoming difficult.

Along with this my appetite is minimal and I am barely able to consume more than 1000 calories a day anymore, without purging, to say the least, I am becoming sicker by the day and I am still determined to fight whatever it is doing this!

But my ideas about timelines of productivity may just be an over optimistic approach which will inevitably lead to more failure than I am willing to tolerate.

I am trying despite the challenges.

I must admit that I am afraid of becoming a published author, simply because my health dictates to me already that I do not have the energy or the health behind me, to even maintain my own house and personal relationship commitments, let alone going out and having to commit myself to marketing and book signing events.

So with this as a factor in my life, I know, I may be accepted for publication, but I may not ever make it the big time, simply because my health dictates that I am housebound almost all the time and bedbound for around 12 to 16 weeks a year!

With that said, I do hope that I will find a compassionate team to work with some day and maybe, perhaps, I won’t need to stress myself out about failing people within the publishing community.

Hopefully there are agents and publishers I can work with, who fully understand the complexities of disability and failing immune systems, I mean, there are authors who manage to have a career in prison, so why not someone like me who is housebound through sickness?

Thank you for reading and take care!