Overcoming my obstacles

I am taking on a lot of new challenges lately all at once, Paul thinks I shouldn’t have done so much at once or at least tried to, but it’s just me all over – in at the deep end, always.

As well as trying to do the writing deadline for the 21^st October 2022, I am also trying many new things to improve my health – one major thing which is leaving me zomped, is losing my reliance on caffeine.

I have a thirty five year caffeine addiction thanks to my lazy mother, who got me into cola drinks and Lucozade around the age of 5 for convenience sake! 

As a child I was too short to get drinks for myself because the sink was too high up and she doesn’t believe in the health benefits of bought mineral water or fruit juices and didn’t want me climbing on a step to do it either, so a lot of the time I went without water and diluted fruit juice drinks – instead, she kept a cupboard low enough for me to have access to drinks and snacks for myself whenever I liked, so long as it didn’t bother her – those drinks and snacks were cans upon cans of Pepsi, cola and bottles of Lucozade, the snacks were crisps, biscuits, bite size chocolates and cakes to my little heart’s content.

When I was nine a neighbour kid I befriended taught me how to climb up on the cabinets safely, but by then I was already addicted to caffeine.

When I first moved in with Paul, Paul was horrified to discover I had an addiction to Pepsi and cola in general so much so, that I was drinking an average of 3 litres a day with three coffees on top!

That’s how bad it was!

In recent years I have bought it down to just one or three glasses per day, which is still bad, but I am fighting a thirty five year addiction here! 

On the 20^th of August I decided to go cold turkey and not put coffee, cola or Pepsi to my lips at all – the result is extreme tiredness and a permanent headache as well as the general shakiness and blemish outbreak which is resulting in my detoxification process!

I guess I am cheating in a way, because I have a chocolate flavoured protein shake round twice a week, but the calories are less and so is the caffeine in comparison to what I was consuming!

Because of how crap I feel at the severely reduced caffeine intake, I have gone into a quiet depression, which is making it hard for me to be online – as I am getting tearful whenever someone is nice to me.

Basically I have been quiet on twitter because I need to get a grip!

Along with Henry being home from school until the 7^th September and going cold turkey from caffeine, I have to admit, I am struggling to do anything productive whatsoever other than stare at the TV not taking in what I am watching and basically feeling in a state of exhausted shock!

I never knew that caffeine can do this to someone, when they stopped!  Emotionally I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster, I feel highly stressed, crying at the drop of a hat and generally feel like I am going to die because of the palpitations I seem to be getting since stopping the caffeine!

Why am I doing this to myself?  To get healthier!

Am I deliberately trying to put obstacles in the way of my deadline – NO!  Paul has asked me this and it is definitely a NO!

I have started to do this because Pepsi in particular is becoming far too expensive for us these days and it is that or food – plus, I am doing it because it is starting to give me stomach ache whenever I drink it!

As for my October 21^st Deadline – I know I won’t make it for the graphic novel main project I am working on, because I have chosen to do the art myself for it!

The novel I will be approaching publishers for is going through what I hope to be its last draft between the 7^th September and the 21^st October and that is going to be my debut novel – I hope!  It is a Christmas fantasy.

I need about another three to six months to hone my art skills enough for me to be able to feel confident that I can do the art myself! 

The problem comes at the fact that each picture can take me ninety minutes to six hours to complete!

Paul said this is ridiculous, this will mean that your AD project is going to take you two years to do all the pictures you’ve got planned in this list! 

OK, I realise that, but I had the idea that if I did just one picture of each character and gave this to another artist as an idea of the style I want, then that will drastically cut the time down – won’t it?

Well that’s my reasoning behind it anyhow!

Paul is very disappointed that project AD is not going to be my first; he had hoped the second one would be D1, but it’s not that either, it’s CS, my Christmas story.

D1, I am unhappy at the ending.

AD, I want to do the art.

CS is easier to get out faster as I have no interest in doing the art for that and I just want it to be a novella.

SP is another one of my current projects, but that is even more complexed than AD and there are at least twelve novels in that series and a series of that size is not a good debut risk for any publisher!

I could send out one of my finished vampire novels by the deadline, but again, they are a huge series or rather saga series, that I don’t have time to write them fast enough to sate a publisher or agent just yet!

I could do one of my two horrors, which are standalones, but at the moment the Christmas story is fresher in my mind!

I had thought just to sate people who believe I am not really a writer, that I should just choose one of my series to post on my blog, just to show you the work and can and do, do – but then Paul said what if it turns out to have been potentially a bestseller, then you’ve shot yourself in the foot all for the sake of naysayers!

Then I thought – he’s right, they’d love that, wouldn’t they?

I did think though, about turning some of my old poems into short stories for the blog and eventually my YouTube channel as mini art movies.

That idea is actually very exciting to me!

Happy reading everyone!

Do I really glow?

I don’t sparkle like the stars

Yet they like to call me friend

I don’t shine bright like the stars

Though some say I pretend

I don’t see the light I am shining

Maybe I am blinded by the light?

Because as far as I can see, I am condensed in the night

I am a shadow hidden between the stars

They try to make me shine with them

But I feel like I’m from Mars

It’s a dream only pretend

I’d like to be some day like them

But for now in shadows I dwell

I don’t know why so many stars

Have fallen under a spell

I am not like them, but they say

You’ve never been any other way

But I don’t know

I don’t see it

Could I shine bright?

Can I be it?

A star so bright, it has blinded itself?

Oh I don’t know

Back to my shelf

I don’t know

Do I glow?

I don’t know

Which way to go…

Stay in the dark or go into the light

Become a star and shine so bright?

Or stay the way it’s always been

In the darkness and the dim?

Oh I don’t know

Do I really glow?

Can I really go…

Be with the stars?

Body whispering

My diet is reverting and it’s great!  It’s not a diet for weight loss, it is a diet based on my old principles. 

I have known for several years that I have a protein metabolism; something that Paul never took too seriously.  This is based on a book I read around seventeen years ago called “The metabolic typing diet” by William L. Wolcott and Trish Fahey; because Paul didn’t want to cater towards the foods I was used to for whatever reason, I as I always do, compromise what I want for being easy on others, so this meant that I increasingly ate a high carb diet.

This did not affect my weight at all, but I believe it did affect my health.  I became really sick regarding eating and digesting food for quite a while to the extent I got out of the habit of eating food at regular intervals primarily because of digestive pain and the inability to keep things down!

Recently I was told by a doctor that I have no allergies or intolerances whatsoever like Paul believed I had – it is likely the big bouts of pain I have are due to IBD flare ups, because it would seem I would still have days like that, no matter what I was avoiding.

So, I have gone back into a normal for a human type diet – but I wanted to empathise to Paul about my dietary past, before I moved in with him and how I believe that I am not getting the right fuel for my metabolic type.

Just because he is worried about the lack of food I am in taking for the past couple of years and how sick I have been over the years, he has decided to cave into what he believes is this fad idea and he has been surprised at how my appetite is increasing and it has only been six days into the diet.  This post was written on the 24^th August, after some friends are still concerned online that I am not eating enough.

You see this change of diet I am undergoing was actually exactly what I ate before I moved in with him, thirteen years ago!

Since going onto a high protein diet, my appetite is coming back and I am regaining energy and I have already noticed a significant change in my skin, despite this, the caloric intake is not as high as you’d expect, I am now averaging 1900 a day, which is a vast improvement from an average of 1000 and not keeping it down! 

Since my energy levels are improving, I have noticed that I am starting to get more energy to help around the house again and I am not shaky when I do physical activities anymore.

I knew my body very well, I used to be athletic, I used to go on nine mile walks a day, I would do weight training in the evenings, walk a dog, practise the swing ball, do my tae bo exercises twice a day and was always begging people to play netball, ping pong, darts or rounder’s with me.  I had a mostly lethargic social group, but I motivated some of them!

Oh and I loved swimming, a true water baby – I can’t sit on the side of the pool, that’s not me, I love to dive right in there and get bratty like a kid if I am asked to get out of the pool!  I think it’s because my inner child likes to think herself as a mermaid when she is in there!

I learned to know my metabolic type; I felt it is vital for everyone to learn that – because one man’s food is another man’s poison.  You might very well love munching down on crudités, but if you were built for protein, you need to make sure that the vegetables you are consuming are high in protein; there are more than you think!

I poisoned myself for the sake of convenience and I believe it’s what nearly killed me!

I don’t do well on high carbs or high fat and lots of people have the misconception that high protein means high fat, not at all, it depends on the type of protein you are putting into your body!

I have seen such a vast improvement lately that I believe this time next week; I’ll be able to do some kind of light exercise again.

But at the moment my body is going through a healing process, where I feel that whilst I am getting the building blocks into my system, I need a bit of rest.  I can sense my body asking me to slow down and take it easy – don’t leap into anything just yet and I am not going to ignore that!

One habit I never got out of when my diet became high carb was that I never got lulled into the habit by Paul of drinking mostly coffee or tea; I still stuck to three pints of water a day with a green tea, even though for years I did lose my daily cranberry juice, but I’ve got that back too!  Yay!

Most people sneer at someone like me as they see a fat sick person and don’t realise that they are actually more switched on about nutrients, metabolism, dieting and exercise than the average Joe.  Looks are very deceiving my dears, I wasn’t like this in my past!  I got fat due to illness; I actually have a natural propensity for building muscle quite quickly – I don’t need to exercise as much as the average person as I bulk quite quickly.  I suppose I am fortunate for that.

I think the one main thing that bought Paul around to my way of thinking was the fact that I told him, he doesn’t have to change his diet for me, but now I am turning forty in October I really need to ramp up the protein as I will start losing muscle mass at a quicker rate and really it could happen faster for me, because of my rheumatic arthritis. 

In fact, eating a high protein diet could stop my muscle wasting so fast because of it too; this is something a friend told me online.  She is an over fifties body builder and she’s been helping me get back on track with how I used to be!

I am also a natural hourglass shape, my waist has always been unusually small, and my bone frame is considered petit by the doctors, which has always worried them when I gained weight. 

I am also planning to get back into exercising for my shape, with “escape your shape” by Edward Jackowski, which I loved twenty years ago and really helped me sculpt my body the way I like it!  I am also 5ft 8.

So, these are the changes happening in my life right now.

My digestive health is certainly starting to feel like it is stabilising and I was told by my friend that my immune health should right itself in a few weeks’ time too!

I hope so!

It’s challenging with our budget, but I hope we can manage it!

Happy reading!

Gold digger I see you!

Ching ching through the bling

I see you don’t love me

But my things

I see you don’t want my love

Just want me to sing

So I can give you more bling bling

I am a puppet for your stadium

I am your profit, your delirium

Without me you have nought

Look at the presents I have bought

Gold digger I know where your heart is

As you are chugging down the fizz

This is quite amiss

Gee whiz

I won’t have it anymore. I’m through

I am going to get rid of you

Out my life and close the door

So you aint gonna be rich no more!

Whore!

This song is reminiscent of my college days, where I was lead vocalist and lyricist of a rap rock group; though this song didn’t exist back then, this came to me today (22nd August) when I was thinking a lot about my former music style and poetry.

But also I have experienced being used for money by my mother, an ex and I know someone in my life currently is clinging to the hope that I will someday become some kind of mega rich super star author – lol. But I know how it feels to be used and then lose it all, because you loved and trusted the wrong people! Believe me when I say, it’s hard to pull wool over these eyes! I don’t truly believe the DMs are from genuine sources, but if they are, my apologies. You must understand my point of view if you are genuine?

Liars are vampires

Codswallop flows through their mouths

The liars

What is dreamt and what is true?

My criers

You give me hope, yet I see right through

The briers that you shield me from

You liars

I hear your words but I believe none

My mind is not for hire, liar

Truth is what I want

No desire

Truth is all I need

Vampire

Visuals & symbolism

Passions are what makes people succeed, a lot of people make presumptions about my passions because they observe things that I allow them to see, but ultimately they are wrong.

I am mostly stimulated by visuals, it is agonising to write, but I have no confidence in my art and drawings. 

People think that being a writer I write because writing is my passion – not so, what drives me to write is the prospect of the art whether in movies or paintings.  I like visuals a lot.  I often speak with Paul about how I wish I was a better artist and a faster one, so that I can draw the scenes I see in my head and then just write snippets of what those images are about.

But in my opinion my art is naff, but my writing is good.

I really want to be the artist behind my graphic novels I am working on, but I just can’t make the grade I have set for myself, for that to make me feel yes it is complete and it is wonderful… you know?

You should know that a lot of people are confident in my ability as an artist, but I am not.  Because my art is not exactly how I see it in my head; my art is too cartoon and manga like, when I want my art to reflect more realism or at least CGI quality.  Talking of which, I don’t do digital art – which would make the CGI concept actually happen, but I am trying to create CGI quality artwork manually! 

I have never learned to do digital art; I wouldn’t even know where to start other than Photoshop.

So yeah, laugh at me, because I laugh at myself regarding this too!  So why not!  Haha!

The writing is wonderful, I don’t fault it much and I am not being cocky either, I am proud of what I have written so far – but I am disappointed in my artistic ability to provide the visuals for it.

For me, writing is a painful and often stressful experience when piecing ideas together – but when I am researching and brainstorming it’s one of the best things ever! 

Writing for fifteen to twenty five minutes stretches, feels like two hours and I often feel drained after doing it, I often need exercise or something to wake me up from it! 

Doing art on the other hand is the only thing in my life where my attention span hasn’t got in the way – for some reason or another I can paint for six hours and then feel that I’ve only done it for half an hour and I always come away from the work feeling happy and energised – the same with music!

Unfortunately I can’t afford my supplies, so I can’t work on art every single day like I really want to!  I just can’t afford it!  I don’t think you really realise just how bad things are for me here, we often rely on charity support and it’s going to get worse between now and November.

Other than visual stimulus my other stimulus used to be sound – but around seven or eight years ago I caught an infection which had permanently reduced the hearing in my only functioning ear, which means there are many sounds I can no longer hear, including certain beats and instruments in my favorite songs on the radio!

I have reduced ability for scent too and poor eyesight without spectacles or contact lenses.  Quite literally I am slowly losing my senses.  Mostly due to the NHS not being able to support maintaining my treatment, which would slow this down!

This is why making a life for myself now is very important, my main goal for trying to earn money via affiliate programs, a YouTube channel, my art etc by the end of this year is to help finance me for private care; where I can have my ear rebuilt, because I need an ossicleplasty to regain hearing from one of my ears as the mastoid infection destroyed two ossicles completely. 

I also need my nose fixed because the hospital didn’t bother to repair the cartilage I broke when I broke my nose three or four years ago and it often shifts out of place and causes pain – but it’s not life threatening so they felt it can wait!  Also I have enlarged adenoids which affect my breathing and sense of smell.

Since I was a kid I wanted to do art movies based on my ideas, songs and poems, but I was lead to believe that you need to be rich to do it. 

I have made online friends through twitter recently which has taught me that it is nonsense, you don’t need to have a single penny to do it and they are showing me how.  I have asked for the course to be paused until September 7^th, because I want to concentrate on it thoroughly and it is hard to do so when Paul and Henry are having screaming matches in front of me every five minutes.

It’s exciting to think I can go back to my childhood dreams.

It is also rather a strange coincidence that I am getting a lot of “inner child” symbolism and cues around me a lot lately, including with a YouTube pick a pile tarot reading, which connected the pile chooser to the arts and two decision paths whilst healing the inner child; but also, I am having a lot of bizarre dreams that I am four years old again and I am decorating my house with all the things my childhood self ever wanted, care bears, kawaii stuff – you name it, it’s so weird how this is all connecting together!

I am having a lot of dreams that I am packing boxes ready to move house and that when I get to the new house, I am unpacking things I don’t have, pretty things, things that make me happy, things that a child would want!  It’s like a prediction of abundance and joy!

I hope it is a prediction, because I really need to find my happy place, a place to play.

Happy reading everyone! 

I’m sailing

Excuse me for the sake of art

I have built an ark and I am sailing

I sailed through the pissy shores of life

I overcome strife and loss

I sailed through pissy waters to get where I am

But where I am is lost

I don’t need your kind words to help sail me to your herd

No

I need to sail these pissy waters till I find myself, you know?

I can’t be myself if I join you

Because then I become different to me

I need these pissy waters, so I can sail to being free

My heart is like a butterfly

My heart is like a butterfly

It falls apart when touched

Kind words and simple gestures

Are just too much

I’m not used to kindness

I’m only used to fear

Friendship is new to me

I know that it sounds queer

Why are you so kind to me?

What is it that you want?

I can’t help feeling there is more to this

My past it still haunts

I cry when you are nice to me

I can’t hold back the tears

Because I am not use to this

Only ridicule and jeers

My heart is like a butterfly

It falls apart when touched

I can’t bear this kindness

Though I like it much

My heart is like a butterfly

Though I wished it wasn’t true

I’d love to know you better

And be a part of you

Juggling my life

I believe my previous post was due to being down in the dumps because whilst Henry is off from school for the summer holidays, I find it impossible to write as much as I want to; therefore, I resent writing much more during those times.

When Henry is out of the house I write, but I have to discipline myself to do it when he is out, that or practising my Italian – I know I should prioritise the writing, but for me, both are just as equally important. 

I have got it into my head now that whilst Henry is off from school, even if I write just one paragraph in the day towards my projects, it is progress and therefore I don’t believe I should be harsh on myself for how small the progress is; progress is progress, no matter how small!

But it is easy to fall into the whine trap, especially when you feel desperate to add those snippets you want to towards your work but can’t as it’s hard to concentrate with noise and arguments behind you!

I often find myself leaving the living room to go upstairs to cry, but these days I don’t have much chance to do that because Henry is becoming more controlling lately.  He is starting to follow me and he isn’t letting me have much time alone.  I understand why he is so clingy lately, but I need my space too!

I know that he knows I am unhappy and I want my own space to the extent I have discussed quite openly with Paul about the concept of me having another home.  What I mean is a place of my own, where I don’t necessarily live there all the time; I can’t fully abandon them!  Just somewhere I can go to get a break.  It’s likely I will only really use this alternative place as once or twice a week retreat to help me do my creative pursuits in an organised and happy place and unlikely I’ll sleep there; as I said before, I don’t like doing anything alone!

At the moment I can’t finance that, I am working on it; like I am working on many things, not just writing several novels to get into publication. 

I am working on my health, fitness, diet management.

I am studying really hard how to make movies or do screenwriting and setting up my own YouTube channel as well as entering an amateur dramatics and writing group.   

I am trying to get this house in order because it’s falling apart due to age and storm damage.

I am trying to manage the garden in between my neighbour going out, because he is still a problem.

I am trying to manage the problem of toxic people from my past trying to get involved in my life and online haters and it’s difficult, but it’s getting slowly solved.

I am trying so hard to heal mentally and get rid of the dark thoughts of suicide.

Amongst all of this I do know and fully understand that writing has little or no money unless I can make it big… this is a pie in the sky dream for every writer!

So, I am also trying to make a living outside of writing professionally.  I am currently self-studying affiliate programs, marketing and so forth – to help me with my other passion; art and also practising art too!

To top it all, I am trying hard to learn how to socialise in a non-weird awkward way, because I have been isolated for most of my life and have been wrongly taught that everyone is aggressive and out to hurt or use you.

I am also looking forward to next spring, when Paul reckons we can most definitely get a dog, a dog will help not only be my companion in the other place, when I get it – but it will also give me the confidence to go for walks alone and a purpose to wake up in the morning, just to walk it! 

So much I am trying to do and all at once, because my ultimate goal is to have a life.  I’ve not had one yet, really, just existed really, but not lived!

Yes, I feel spread thin, but it all needs to be done, because I can’t put any of it on a back bench, because then I won’t feel whole.  There will always be a hollow in me and I don’t like that… I need to feel complete.  I need to learn how to be happy and at peace.

I’ve not done that yet.  I’ve never ever experienced joy in the true sense of the word.  I don’t mean to sound tragic, but it’s true.  I don’t really care about financial success or fame; I care about feeling whole and happy.  That’s what I care for, that’s what I need!  To me that is what success is – success is living the life that makes you feel happy and whole, not what gives you the most material possessions and making strangers in awe of you.

That’s not my goal.

Remember, I am doing this alone, I have little to no support.

I just want happiness, love, and peace and to feel whole and most of all, I want to play! 

That’s all.

Happy reading!

Lonely and tardy confession

I dither a lot.

I mean a lot!

Perhaps that’s why I am called TardyCreative.com?

But I am not like this in most things – in most things I am very decisive in life generally, but when it comes to creative pursuits, it’s more challenging to make a firm hard decision!

I fear choosing one idea for a particular story, because then I can’t play with that idea anymore – because nobody wants multiple stories of the same thing happening with several endings, or do they?

Let’s give an example of what I might think about, by using an already known piece of work by someone else – let’s say, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley!

If I was writing this and it was my masterpiece (which it isn’t – we’re just hypothesizing here) these things would flow to my mind;

The monster decides to stand and fight the mob and so piece by piece the mob pulls him apart!

The monster runs away to the North Pole and survives!

The monster falls in love with the doctor who made him and they have an awkward existence together!

The monster runs off with a local and attempts to have children with her and the result of that!

Or the monster decides he is too lonely in this world that he will build himself a wife and he will become a doctor himself and try to keep his creator alive forever, whether he liked it or not.

Loads of ideas could come into play and this is me all over!

Which one do I do?  Ok, I won’t be rewriting Frankenstein anytime soon, but you get my point don’t you?

This is where my confession is about to reveal itself…

I hate writing.

There!  I have said it!

I loathe writing, especially when I have to make that final decision!

I love brainstorming that is fun, the research is fun too and sharing my ideas is fun – but sitting down in the solitude of writing is boring!  The writing process and the editing is boring!  All I want to do is play with ideas and make visuals.

This is why I will say I have no confidence in becoming a published author.  I will try, but I know me… I know it won’t happen because I have trouble finalising!

It’s especially problematic when I am doing this alone.

I have no one who truly loves brainstorming with me, to share my ideas with, to hear their ideas and to feed off of each other’s energies and enthusiasm!

I am in it by myself and it is boring!

Not only this, but I am surrounded by people who think so highly of my work that they believe I will become a multi-millionaire sensation within a year of approaching an agent… I’m a realist; I know it’s not going to happen!

Too many things will get in the way of that – one major thing is my accessibility to be contacted outside of email.  I am deaf, profoundly deaf and I have no technology available to me to get around that.  I rely on Paul to take all my phone-calls for me – we have never sought help because we don’t know how to do that in Warwickshire, also I rely on Paul to have the energy to phone these places on my behalf.

Yeah, so, I am stuck.

So, I have decided to do things the hard way… the way I usually do things anyway, I am weird like that, one of these people who finds simplicity in difficulty; like I burn eggs on toast, but I can make a soufflé, however I digress!

I am going to get around this, though I am certain I will fail the October 21st deadline, no matter how much I am writing towards that!  Based on the idea that I don’t think I’d find representation! So, what am I going to do?

I have never done this before, surprise, shock, horror!  I have never had beta readers outside of friends of family, I have never joined a writers group – but I am going to do that.  Not yet though, because I really can’t afford the £10 a week bus fare at the moment, but our finances is improving in November because Paul officially retires!  So until then I am pretty much stuck in the house.

This particular group I have occasionally spoken to online are really super, because at least half of the members of the group are also into amateur dramatics, something I am keen to get back into!  I want to write a play as well as books, I want to screen write, so they will help me gain the experience I need for that as well as making much needed friends!

Gosh, I sound so sad!

Also I have found a friend that has given me access to a free course in learning how to make my own short films and get into film making; hopefully my new friends in this writing group will take a part in that, I hate doing things alone!

I am also keen to get back into music, because musical theatre is particularly interesting to me and I miss singing and playing my instruments tremendously!  Most of my poems were meant to be songs as I think about composing music for the lyrics as much as I think about writing stories! 

I don’t think you realise that I am a lyricist, composer and performer as much as I am a writer?

My dad and my aunts got me into almost all of this, because they played the piano, bugle, trumpet and the harmonica, they were always singing and they were into amateur theatre as well, mostly as comedians and worked with cockney performers for monthly specials for local nursing homes!

Also they were members of the Salvation Army and played musical instruments in bands around malls and markets at Christmas and my own grandmother was also a majorette and taught me some of the moves, though I am not very good at it like she was!  She also told me that her own mother was a cancan dancer in America before marrying her dad – imagine that, because I can’t! 

So, I think I found the group I want to be part of.

I have to admit, I don’t have much support about it from my immediate family.

They only want the writing done, because I think they believe there is money in it!  Insert eye roll here!

Nobody is happy that I am planning some kind of social life and independence that doesn’t include them in every tiny detail, because they are so used to be being home all day and doing nothing!  As I said before, it’s like they resent I am getting better in most things!

So this time next year, I hope to be a part of this local writing group and maybe starting amateur dramatics again?

I need something to be excited about, since my main thing has fallen flat on its face lately.  I won’t go into that here; it’s a bit too personal.  But let’s just say, I really need to find something to look forward to that won’t disappoint again, because the dark thoughts are creeping back again.

I’d rather brainstorm with people than anything else, do art or motivate others or make others happy or entertained. 

I will write books, though I find the process boring, because I have too many good ideas to waste them.  I’ve always been motivated to write because of movies, not because I love writing.  Let’s be very clear and honest about that.  It’s not the writing I love, but the process of thinking about ideas and sharing them with others.

Maybe I am a shallow needy person?  But that’s what makes me happy and I can’t help that!

So, yeah, that’s what I wanted to say.

Sorry to disappoint anyone.

But the work will get done, despite what I said.

Happy reading!