Butterfly secrets

How does the little butterfly fly on dusty wings?

Avoiding drops of rain and the birds that sing?

How did she become the butterfly we love and know so well?

When she came from a fat caterpillar and she grew and grew and swelled

How does the little butterfly flit so easily?

From buttercup to lavender right up to a tree?

How did the butterfly become this way, when she cocooned herself so tight?

Never peaking from her home, hiding from everyone’s sight?

Will we understand the butterfly and her mysterious ways?

Or will she always hold her secrets tight as we happily gaze?

Sods law

I believe I am writing daily to add towards my blog consistently for the past three to five months now, that I can now say I don’t believe that scheduled posts are any longer necessary.

I think that I can now write daily and publish daily, though no doubt I will have some things in drafts for when I think my immune system is going to have a hit again – talking of which I seem to be developing a really bad bacterial ear infection right now and a cold, so who knows what is going to happen in the next couple of days.

Expect up to four posts per day, but I will refrain from doing more – because I don’t want to overload my readers.  I will try to make a poem daily, but we’ll see. 

I do aim to do more prose like short stories in the future too.

I am saving up money for a passport as my instinct is telling me something is going to happen soon where a passport is going to be needed.  It will cost £85 I think and will take 10 weeks to get at the current length to get it.  You can fast track it for a week but there are specific requirements and I think it doubles the price too!

Thankfully one of my personal debts has gone, which means I have enough money to save per week.  Unfortunately it could mean I won’t get my passport before Christmas, but we’ll see.

I don’t like to spend money on things I don’t need, so I am unsure if I will spend money on the passport, unless I have some notion as to why my instinct is telling me I should do it.  So I am not going to be too hasty, because £85 is two weeks food money here, it’s a lot for nothing… if you get me?

So I am trying to save £5 a week for it, I have been trying to do this for a while now and I am currently the third of the way.  But as I said, I won’t get the passport until I know for sure; there is a reason to do so!

Another thing I am trying to do is to clear the house a lot more.  Sure, a lot of the things I am getting rid of, I still actually want to keep – but I am getting picky now.  I have a feeling that my time in the near future will mean that I will need things like that less and less because my time will be spent doing other things – so get rid of the stuff I won’t need in order to not only make more space, but not to become a hoarder. You know?

I like knitting and crochet, but I know that it causes the carpal tunnel syndrome to flare up, so I avoid that activity these days, I am debating with myself, should they go?  I know during the winter I knit myself fingerless gloves and hairpieces, because they can be done within the hour, but should I actually just say goodbye to that hobby?

There are lots of things I need to wave goodbye to, old clothes that are now too big on me, styles that were given to me by my mother a few years back… do I really want those hanging around in my cupboards?  No, I don’t, because I don’t intend to wear what she picked for me and I don’t intend to gain my weight back anytime soon either.

For the first time since Henry was three years old, I am nearly in the 16 stone mark, another two weeks and I should be there!  I have came down from being over 22 stone, it’s amazing – because I literally thought I was going to die and never be thin again.  You ask Paul, this time last year I was sure I was dying!

I think the reason why I got this big, this time around was because I was bedbound sick and I had the attitude of “well, I’m going to die anyway”. 

Seriously I used to think that, because my lungs were so badly damaged over the four pneumonia bouts I’ve had since 2014.

It’s amazing the recovery I’ve had.  I really did give up.

But you know what made me start the changes in Easter?  The fact that I started to see that if I died, nobody would actually care, nobody but Paul and Henry will attend my funeral and I would be a forgotten part of the world and that made me feel – no fucking way am I going to exist in the crap that I’ve had and nobody is going to know about it… I am determined to make the world know me and I want them to mourn me when I die.  Vain I know, but it worked to give me the kick up the ass I so desperately needed!

I have a feeling that the more I DON’T WANT the more of it I am going to get, so what the Hell!  I don’t want fame, yet it creeps along behind my back, I don’t want someone to help me, yet I am inundated with kind helpful people… I mean the universe is sick in the head isn’t it?

You want something… too bad… you don’t want something… here your cup runneth over!

I desperately want a dog, so my house has no dog… when I decided ok I can live without a dog, someone comes along and says, hey do you want to look after my dog for six weeks whilst I tour Europe?

It’s like the universe loves making me rant at it because its funny or something…

Ok, ok, ok, I really don’t want roast lamb anymore….I really don’t want to be thirteen stone… I really want to be alone… I really want to be ugly… I really want to have an uncaring partner… is it going to work this reverse psychology or is the universe going to double agent me right now?

Yeah, so I try.

Well anyway, happy reading.

Are you ok?

A spiritual friend I have called Izzy warned me that this could happen…

I was told that perhaps the tarot reading should be kept to myself, because it might undo the energies of the blessings coming my way, but I told Paul about what I wanted to do and he felt it is necessary to put it out there.

He said I simply have to.

As you know, I am reluctant to share much unless it goes through Paul first.

Because I am never sure if what I want to write for the blog is appropriate or not, as I am honest when I say, I have lived an isolated life.

But then something occurred to me when I was asleep last night that I should delete the post before it goes out, but I was so sleepy I didn’t wake up to do it immediately and forgot before it was posted. 

I don’t like the energy I am picking up, I have a major headache and I feel very despondent and depressed, but I don’t know where it’s coming from.  I still feel determined energy coming my way, but it is also cautious and afraid now – like they feel tricked.  That hurts actually. 

I am also concerned because for the past two to three days the back of my left hand has been very sore, like there are cuts or something on it, but there isn’t.

I have tried to sense where these energies are coming from and the only thing that comes to mind is something has happened to the guy who was going to come into my life.  Has he hurt his hand or something?

I know it is weird when I felt perfectly relaxed in the bath the other night but then I sensed someone was in a rage, but it wasn’t anybody in the house for a change.  I just find it really weird that I am taking on what feels like two peoples emotions, my own and probably theirs.

How can people who never met each other get that from each other, I don’t think I will ever understand…

Though the back of the hand might be poison ivy or something as I remember a flash dream a couple of nights back about poison ivy medicine… but never understood it. 

Never experienced poison ivy, so wouldn’t know.

Anyway, I felt I needed to put this out there and I didn’t consult Paul this time either – as I have a feeling, although he and I are over, I kind of get a sense he wants both me and Emilia and kind of wanted to put the spanner in the works for me.  Because Paul is really scared that nobody is going to look after me as good as he can.

Well, am I not worth it then?  Sorry but I can’t help but feel like even Paul thinks the idea of me finding a Mr. Right is nonsense.

Thanks for reading…

Tired & desperate

I really miss being able to go into my writing zone for lengthy bouts of fiction writing and I really miss doing both Inktober for the art and NaNoWriMo, however, this year I won’t have done either.

I can’t do it, there is just too much stress and chaos around the house lately, I am not allowed more than twenty minutes in my zone before someone wants to either disturb me or start a new screaming match again.

The only time I have is late at night when everybody is in bed, but that means strange sleeping habits for me – for example, I am writing this blog post at 5:28am on the 28^th October 2022.  I had five hours sleep last night and I had only managed to eat 800 calories all day.

It’s nearly 6am; I guess a new day has started?

It torments me when I can’t add to my current projects.

At the moment I am too tired to think about doing it, I haven’t slept in twenty hours and I am doing all of this without caffeine, remember, I went cold turkey and I only had three slip ups this month!

I really want my AD project and the Christmas and Easter project to get done as well as my steampunk lesbian adventure story.

You know I was too embarrassed to share this at the time, but I had to turn down winning a prize for a writer’s retreat a friend nominated me for, because I couldn’t afford the transport money to get there?  But imagine if I had been able to afford it, a whole month in solitude writing at my heart’s content, no interruptions.

You realise I could easily write 12k a day again, don’t you?  Most probably only 4k on average because the scenery was beautiful and I am a natures child by heart!

I rarely watch TV because of the noise too and my average of 150 books a year has gone down to 70 if I am lucky, all because of noise pollution from my other household members and invasion of personal space.

When Henry was a toddler, he was much quieter, seriously, he was very quiet and undemanding – he is twelve, surely things should be easier now?

Surely he’d want to shut himself away in his bedroom doing his own thing?  No, that’s not him he wants and needs constant attention, its tiring.

I have lived with cousins who had three kids under the age of seven playing around me, not necessarily quiet, regular kid noise and I still could write – but it’s different here, because it’s not normal noise and it’s not just kids shouting.

I hate the idea of not getting my work done, because whilst it’s not getting done it means I am staying less than mediocre, I am unable to pull myself out of this poverty or bettering myself in any way.  I can’t practise art anymore, I can’t do puzzles, I can’t do anything, just sit there and exist and be drained and to listen to vitriolic crap being fired between Paul and Henry.

I try to take myself upstairs out of it all, because if I open my mouth it makes it all worse; no matter how much of a Pollyanna I try to be, that doesn’t work here!

But then I still hear them shouting at each other, but it’s muffled so I don’t know what’s going on then I hear screams and doors slamming, then silence.  Then it starts again around twenty minutes later.

I have outlined my story plans so well because I can’t get into the zone to write the story, that once I have the peace around me to write, I am writing very quickly and I am not needing to edit as much as I used to.

Because I have to re-read my notes a lot, because I lose track of what I just read because of a sudden scream or bang.

I am beginning not to need to refer to hand notes anymore.

I know through experience that with this kind of depth that I have of my story plans, that I could write the AD project within three weeks to completion.  But it will require three hours a day to do it.  I write at a pace of 3k per hour on an average day when I am undisturbed.

Problem is, I need my music on and I need to be left alone without any interruption so I can go into the zone a trance-like state and do my work.  Without that, my writing is trash and bland.

Henry hates certain types of music I love for writing, he is using this as a supposed “Trigger” to his bad behaviour and he laps up the “trigger” remark to the fullest capacity that he can.

When he realises I am writing and I have ear phones on, he does everything in his power to come upstairs a lot and open my door constantly, making me have to take the ear phones off to hear him, because I am deaf without my hearing aids and I can’t use hearing aids with ear phones on. 

Then, when it’s not him coming upstairs every five minutes, it’s his father, the amount of times they need to use the bathroom is stupid, funnily enough when I don’t write, they can go an hour between pees, when I am writing its every fifteen minutes.  But they don’t just go to the bathroom and leave, oh no, they want to give me a running commentary on the news or backstabbing each other to me.

I can write my blog posts, because it flows differently to a story.  I can lose my way a little here, but in a story I need to be consistent and shift perspectives a lot of the time.

I’m exhausted, I just want to write.

Thanks for reading.

1st reading p2

Here is part two of my tarot card and oracle readings for the month to come and R means that the card is in reverse.

These are the tarot decks and they are;

1 – Russell Grant’s Astro Tarot

R-CHARIOT – R-RABBIT – HEIROPHANT – R JUDGEMENT

1. R CHARIOT

The card shows me there is indecision, hesitation or a slowing down of energies.  Because of what happened in my oracle decks, I take this as I am hesitant to make a decision because of emotional struggles and potentially trust issues.

1. R RABBIT

This indicates that I will feel insubstantial to something; it is making me feel that what is happening, whatever it might be is implausible and not real, or a trick.

This cards position also shows me that I must not be sceptical, rude or abrupt to the person who is coming with an offer for something, as this person is a loving individual who means to help me and lift me up in some way.  They are also someone who feels there is a deep spiritual connection with me and the cards warn that they are just as fiery as I am and their willpower is stronger, so tread carefully! 

1. HIEROPHANT

This card indicates a relationship where spiritual values are well-matched.  Someone is about to reveal a huge secret to me and give me plenty to think about.  They are going to be part of my major transformation and increased sense of overall wellbeing.

This person fully wants to adopt me into their life on all possible levels of existence, but ultimately they want to be my mentor for life and living well.  They could also increase my spiritual power.

1. R JUDGEMENT

Something is going to make me restless.  I have definitely reached the end of a phase in my life and will have to say goodbye to some people.

There could be disappointment with a legal matter or legal papers or a small delay in them, which will ruin plans on the short term. 

This card also indicates an offer for a change of abode/home. 

Personally I think that for this to happen in just 4 weeks, is just too fast, but there you go.

• – THE TRADITIONAL RIDER WAITE TAROT DECK

QUEEN OF CUPS – QUEEN OF WANDS – 7 PENTACLES – KING OF SWORDS I ALSO DROPPED THE 10 OF WANDS

• QUEEN OF CUPS – under reversed chariot

This card shows me that there is definitely a new romantic relationship that could start in the next four weeks.  It is also indicating that there is nurturing energy around me too, someone who is kind, compassionate, empathic with me on most if not all levels.  This person is going to be supportive and heal my emotional wounds and help me learn to move on and have fun with life.

This person has very powerful, strong but gentle energy about them throughout this entire reading overall.

It’s going to be a very deep relationship that also indicates that eventually we will also be part of each other’s career somehow.  They are a creative person like me, perhaps we’ll collaborate?

There is a slowing down however, as there is reversed chariot energy above the queen of cups.  So we’re taking it slower than we’d like, because I think we both have a bit of nervous tension here and some kind of blockade to overcome?

• QUEEN OF WANDS – under the reversed rabbit card

This card is a card of transformation again as well as indicating a new relationship or a strong fidelity coming my way.  So this card shows me there is a lot of determination and passion from this other person towards me, it’s almost like obsessive energy but it’s certainly not toxic energy, other cards have assured me that.

Despite an oracle card earlier indicating that this person is going to make the decision for me, but it is a decision they made out of love, not from a place of control – because they can see that I do not trust easily and they are so desperate to show me that they are different, and according to the reading overall, they really are!

You see the rabbit energy above the Queen of wands tells us, that I am insecure about how real their offer of a relationship with me is.  I am the one being cautious and frightened to go with my heart and instinct as I am scared of getting hurt or being tricked again.

• THE SEVEN OF PENTACLES – under the hierophant

Is showing me that again, there is a relationship because I have become somebodies labour of love – they are determined and persevering to show me that they are different.  It’s really lovely to see how much work they are willing to put into trying to convince me they are OK, that they are genuine.  With the hierophant energy they are trying hard to mentor me to heal and to trust. 

They are so full of patience with me, that it’s actually very touching to read this…

It even shows they are willing to sacrifice a lot for themselves in order to convince me and show me another way, they are really investing a lot of themselves for my happiness and to help me heal and to be with me.

Other cards in the past showed me that this person will put a hold on their entire life, even their career if needs be, if it meant that they got me in their life. 

Seriously dude, whoever you are, you don’t need to be so drastic, OK?  I am sure we’ll figure something out!

• KING OF SWORDS – under the reversed judgement

The King of swords indicates a struggle with figures in authority, particularly as it is underneath the reversed judgement card.  Someone in authority is holding something back from progressing as fast as I would like.  Their standards are high and strict and they could be blocking how fast my transformation is. 

I need to be stern about what is going on and show people I won’t be pushed away from something or someone, but I also see that I need someone else’s candid approach to make things work too, this is a third person I am seeing here – someone who holds the keys to legal documents or some kind of authority over me or this new person coming into my life.

• TEN OF WANDS – under the Queen of cups

I see that there is a huge obstacle I have overcome in order for this new relationship to come about – the huge blockade will successfully have been removed but it isn’t without its blood sweat and tears for the both of us involved.

It strongly indicates that the block is coming from my new person’s career, but his friends will support him all the way and will help ease him out of a sticky situation.  Fascinating.

We both will definitely feel a little burnt out because of the struggle, it is definitely a stressful time.  But the hurdle has been got over and we are going to be OK it appears.

• – KABBALISTIC TAROT

10 OF CUPS – R QUEEN OF SWORDS – R 3 OF WANDS – THE MAGICIAN

• 10 of cups – under the Queen of wands

OK so this is a good reading but it feels unrealistic, I am not usually a pessimist but the readings I have been getting lately are outrageously outlandish!  It’s totally out there – it’s too good to be true, you know? 

The ten of cups is always a positive thing to have in your reading it means, abundance, it indicates legacy, it indicates wealth and prosperity it is not dissimilar to the wheel of fortune, there is definitely a lot of positive energy and happiness in this card. 

It is immediately underneath the Queen of wands and she is directly underneath the rabbit card – all of this indicates a wonderful relationship that will literally alter my reality in every single way shape and form.

I told you the energy I have been sensing lately is BIG! 

Happiness, homecomings, fulfilment, emotional stability, security, domestic harmony is all indicative of this card.  In just 4 weeks?  No way, I can’t see how!  But amazing if it’s true!

It’s the “you’re gonna have it all” card.  To be frank, I’m scared at how quick this is coming… I mean, like… WTF?

Deep spiritual connection, new relationship, feeling of being delusional that things are not real – then this card shows up?  No freaking way!

Gosh, who is this guy?

I am going to burst I can tell you and I am going to feel so stupid next month if I am doing another reading and there is nothing that happened, lol.

• R QUEEN OF SWORDS – under the 7 of pentacles

I am very pessimistic with what the person coming into my life is all about, this card shows that I am judging them harshly and maybe lose my temper with them a bit because I feel that they are wrong about what they want from me.

But they are going to persevere because they really want this!  They are not going to give up on me and they won’t let me give up on life either!  There are going to be some harsh home truths coming my way or going their way, either or both.  

It’s going to be hard, because this person is going to use a trick to convince me and I will apparently fall for it.  But it’s not a nasty trick, because the cards above it indicate otherwise, but to onlookers what he will propose to me looks utterly toxic, but it’s what is necessary for him to do in order to show me that – hey – I am real and genuine with you and I am going to have you!

According to the reading as a whole, they are completely consumed by me and they are not letting me go anywhere, they are not taking no for an answer, because they can sense I really want this too!  And to be honest with you, I do!  I think…

They are going to lay my life on the table and make me look at it and then offer me something completely different, but I won’t believe them because I feel unworthy and that’s when they are going to shove it in my face apparently… harshly… then give me an ultimatum about it!

Phew, oh boy, some big energy from this guy!  It kind of makes me feel like saying… “Who do you think you are you beautiful lovely persistent asshole”?  Whilst also hugging him tight and not letting him go anywhere!

• R 3 OF WANDS – under the King of swords!

So again, we have a delay because of authority, but also a delay could be caused by my insecurities with what is going on with my new person.  I or they have to learn to compromise and understand new things.

We both need to lay all of our problems on the table immediately to clear the air so we can help each other overcome all of our obstacles, so that the relationship can start smoothly.

Patience for all of us is called for, patience is the key – don’t be eager to rush ahead, because it could scare the weaker person away… the weaker person is me as the cards indicate that throughout.

There are also challenges at my partner’s work!  Who the heck has a job where their boss has a say on what goes on in their personal life?  All I can think of is that maybe this is indicative of a military establishment?  I can’t think of any other industry where someone would have to answer to their boss about new relationships… if you can please comment below!

• THE MAGICIAN – under the 10 of wands

So OK, the hurdles we had to leap over in regards to starting our new relationship was definitely indicative of my persons career – but now the cards say that we are going to be OK because we will overcome it with our skills and trickery and desire and sheer willpower!   We are both powerful masters of manifestation, so he is a highly spiritual person, whoever he may be!

It’s definitely going to be a battle of the wills, most likely for him more than me as the cards indicate my willpower is much less than his, I am easy in defeat but he certainly isn’t giving up!

He is certainly going to make things happen and he is pulling out all of the resources to make sure he gets what he wants here!  There is no stopping this guy, I think I am in love with him before I’ve even met him – I love persistent little asshats with an huge ego who grabs life by the balls and don’t let anyone get them down, gosh I love this guy! 

Come to me daddy, come on! Lol

• – THE WITCHES TAROT by Ellen Cannon Reed

R 6 OF WANDS – 10 OF WANDS – 5 OF SWORDS – R ACE OF CUPS – R SUN

• R 6 OF WANDS – under the 10 of cups

Although the card it is under is great and very exciting, it also indicates that my confidence is at an all-time low or that maybe my new person may feel a little neglected because of my insecurities to relax around them.

I really do need to change my attitude and build my esteem or this relationship could turn bitter, if I am insecure for too long.

This reading totally indicates that I will be to blame if this relationship fails because of my insecurities and my inability to believe in myself.

I’ll drive this poor patient guy into exhaustion because I won’t understand why he likes me so much.  But like all fortune telling, tarot cards are here to show us what is what and how not to make bad things happen.  So I have a lot of self-reflection to do and I can’t sit back and say “I am not worthy” when he wants me so much, it isn’t fair.  He has worked hard to get to where he is in asking me for this relationship and probably will lose a lot too, over it. 

It’s almost like I feel he is too good to be true that I am talking him out of the relationship, because… why are you bothering with someone like me?  Look at me… you know.  I know I am insecure, but I can totally see why this card says this!

So I have to believe in this guy as much as he believes in me, it can’t all be one sided here!

The cards are more or less saying – it will be successful, IF I LET IT HAPPEN!  My insecurities and my self-value will determine if this happens or not! 

There is nothing else against us except for this authority figure that is controlling him and my own insecurities, if these things can be overcome, we will be flying!

• 10 OF WANDS AGAIN – under the reversed Queen of swords

This energy is doubled as it was in the reading earlier!  Here is a reminder of what that said.

“I see that there is a huge obstacle I have overcome in order for this new relationship to come about – the huge blockade will successfully have been removed but it isn’t without its blood sweat and tears for the both of us involved.

It strongly indicates that the block is coming from my new person’s career, but his friends will support him all the way and will help ease him out of a sticky situation.  Fascinating.

We both will definitely feel a little burnt out because of the struggle, it is definitely a stressful time.  But the hurdle has been got over and we are going to be OK it appears.”  This is doubled in its energy here. 

But because this card is also under the reversed Queen of swords it also shows us that once again my insecurities are a huge factor in the success or failure of this relationship and my person is not the type to give up without a fight!

He is going to have me and I just have to love him for it, basically, because ultimately, all the cards and previous readings have indicated we’re perfect for each other, we are going to be so happy together, but it’s all down to my acceptance that I am worthy of all this!

My other readings in other fortune telling mediums and other tarot readings have shown me, this is a till death do us part relationship – so once we overcome the hurdles, we are each other’s last, long-term relationship!

• 5 OF SWORDS – under the reversed 3 of wands

There is a huge conflict against a figure of authority again, there are major hostilities going on because of what my person wants and someone is getting in their way, big time! 

This shows, although they will win on this matter he will lose something equally important to him. 

This indicates that we are both victorious in what we want, but we are going to be left picking up the pieces of something that has been completely destroyed by this third person.  For my person, they literally have to start again from scratch. 

This makes me feel so bad for them!

What are they losing?  Looks like their career or something… its huge whatever it is!  The card indicates a friendship tied to a career.

But whatever it is, my person is glad to have done it because the inner conflict of not having what he wants the most would hurt him more, according to the cards – so for him, it was worth it in his eyes!

Yikes, I feel so awkward.

• THE REVERSE ACE OF CUPS – under the magician

We will endure a long suffering to get to where we want to if this is a relationship reading, like it appears to be. 

There is insecurity in the relationship, it could also mean a breaking up or a parting of the ways, but that could just be between Paul and I, because as I have said before in other posts, we’re on the cusp of separation and this new person is definitely here to stay according to so much in this reading as well as others in the past.

The magician shows us that we do prevail, but it’s going to be sad, frustrating and there are going to be hostile people around us initially.

• THE REVERSED SUN – under the reversed 6 of wands

Once again my pessimism gets into the way a little bit.  I am confused why this person likes me so much and it could put a block up for us both to start the relationship.

I understand that I do want him as much as he wants me, but for me, the cards show me I will think he is far too good for me and that why would he want someone who like me when there are better out there for him?

The cards show me this is some top quality guy, ticks all of my boxes in every single way, but I feel so insecure about myself because I have a low opinion on both my looks and my personal situation that I just can’t see, why he’d want someone like me! 

True if he is exactly like how I am reading him to be… in my opinion, why would he want a fat, 40yr old, who is deaf and one step away from society calling her trailer trash?

I mean, come on, I am a realist you know?  Things like this don’t happen to women like me!

The cards tell me, stop this attitude, because it’s real, get out of your head woman and just accept your fate!

Everything indicates this is destiny, yet all I can think about is… if he turns up and he is as great as these cards says he is, I am going to either faint run away or vomit!  I am a highly stressed individual with a constant nervous stomach!

• – THE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES TAROT DECK

R 4 OF SWORDS – PARANORMAL – R CHARIOT – WHEEL OF FORTUNE – 8 OF CUPS AND R 10 OF CUPS

• REVERSE 4 OF SWORDS – under the 10 of wands

It’s a restless time there is a lot to do, it’s going to be an emotional and bumpy ride and the stress can affect my health a little bit. 

There is a temporary blip in the new relationship, where I am given time to think things through after an ultimatum, they are going to give me time to adjust to what they are going to offer me in my life with them.  They won’t let me rush my decision either, they will find it hard to remove themselves from me in the short term, but they believe it is necessary to force some kind of reflection and absorb it all. 

They ultimate will be relentless in telling me that I am absolutely what they want and they will be very harsh with me about it, they don’t like how I feel about myself.

The temporary blip will rejuvenate me and it will ignite something big in the both of us.  This is totally going to improve matters and make things final, that we are going to have a relationship – as long as I am determined to be strong and think differently about myself and what it means for us both as a whole.

This card is not final – this card is indicative of what may happen if I allow my insecurities to take over.  So basically… do I really want to be put into a situation where I want them, but they removed themselves from me for a time, because I am having adjustment issues?

Hmm.  If they are as great as I think they are, then – no way do I want that.  So, I have to swallow my inverse pride and get on with it and jolly well be happy about it too!

• PARANORMAL CURIOUSITY under the 5 of swords

A dire need to sort something major out in in my life.  This indicates that the supernatural will take over this problem and create a miracle for us so that we can manifest our aims.

This is in regards to dealing with the figure of authority who is trying to get in the way – this is right after the cards which said my person could lose a lot and have to start again somehow. 

Apparently someone is going to do something unethical and I am not to step on their toes about their beliefs regarding how to handle this matter. 

I am not allowed to know what it is that happens to make the changes necessary – the spirits have asked me not to pry into this.

• R CHARIOT – under the reverse ace of cups

This cards energy is doubled as it has occurred twice in this reading in the same line – reverse chariot below the ace of cups which is below the magician, which is below the 10 of wands, which is below the queen of cups that is below the reversed chariot – so we have the reverse chariot at the beginning of the reading and we have the reverse chariot at the end of the reading in the same quadrant.

So there is a delay in whatever is about to occur, this is definitely indicative.

So there is definitely a lot of hostility about us being together and there is a lot of blockages and I have to trust my instincts that this guy is genuine and that he knows what he wants and it happens to be me!

No two ways about it.

It’s going to be hard and emotional and I have to get used to it, or lose it all, whilst he too, will lose it all because of me and I have to live with the guilt if I don’t!

As this energy shows me, some very negative stuff will be witness by me, if I choose to let my insecurities get the better of me and I will become sick very quickly as a result of this.  Something terrible will happen to the guy who wants me, if I am not going to be brave enough to accept what I want and that I am deserving of good things.

Something so bad could happen if I refuse him that I will never forgive myself and I will become bitter and broken hearted and very ill.

Basically, I know it sounds dramatic.  But it’s like we’re both going to die if we don’t get together… you know what I mean?

I mean crap…

Who are we Romeo and Juliet?

Sorry but… erm… ew… I don’t do romance… definitely not Shakespearian romance!

Gosh we’ve got to get a grip on ourselves!

• WHEEL OF FORTUNE – under the reverse sun

Yeah ok this is indicative of fate, destiny, tremendous luck, good fortune and everything else that good! 

We are definitely going to have a good life together, it is all going to be brilliant, it is pre-ordained almost, so I suppose I have to swallow my inverse pride and get brave and stop humbling myself huh?

It makes me sound ungrateful and moody and pessimistic, but I know I am going to be so happy anyway… so I really don’t get what it is that is making me so insecure about the guy!

He is going to be either super-hot, rich or famous or knowing my luck all three and that’s why I can’t believe it and I am running away…

In fact it would probably explain a lot, but NAH it’s not like…. NAH….

Look it’s not like my biggest celeb crush of all time is going to knock on my door is it? 

Or is it?

Oh my gosh…

Well, you’ll never know if it is!  Lol, I have enough celebrities in my family to know how to keep things to myself for their privacy sake!

So, too bad for you if it is this…

OMG

Could be…

Nah!

Just probably super hot and kinda well off.

Was told to read the reverse sun again – OMG stop being so pessimistic!  HELP… no please don’t… but please do… I mean… I never wanted to be mega famous; I am scared of the paparazzi!  Especially after what they did to someone in my…  never mind… forget what I said!

• EIGHT OF CUPS under the 4 of swords

“The Eight of Cups signifies time for change or transition, by means of walking away from something. Just like a caterpillar has to die before transforming into a beautiful butterfly, we all need to transform ourselves in our lives from time to time. This is the case especially after being tired of living what was the day to day, and embarking on a journey that will help one have a deeper understanding about life in general.” I have quoted this from Labyrinthos which has been helping me with the readings…

OMG I have been saying I am like a caterpillar and butterfly for ages now!

I am asked if the partner is good for me then why am I trying to make them abandon me?

They will walk away for a small time, but not first without giving me an ultimatum… again, it’s my fault with my insecurities.  I have got to just go with the flow and just do what my heart wants to and that is to scream YES OK in their face whilst dancing like a lunatic…

• REVERSE TEN OF CUPS under the paranormal card

There is definitely a separation, but that’s definitely me and Paul… as we know we are on the road to that right now.

An external figure is trying to get in the way of my new relationship, we have established that already and we know it is something to do with his job – however, this card also indicates it could also be a relative of his.

Some arguments could be very public – erm I don’t like the sound of this.

But either way, we’re sticking together and apparently after a long while of stress and hostility from others, we will be OK.  More than OK in fact and according to the cards, people will relax about us quicker than we anticipate.

Unfortunately though, again, I feel guilty.  Because this guy is going to lose a lot – gosh I hope I am worth it, poor guy!

I really want to squeeze him tight right now as I feel real bad about it all.

But know this… I like the sound of you whoever you are!

Though quite frankly you terrify me and I have no idea why, yet!

Thank you for reading and thank you whoever you are for trying so hard!

1st reading part 1

I like to do a once a month tarot and oracle reading on average.  I am not confident of my reading ability, though many people who I have read for in the past have indicated that I am very accurate and spooky.

I have decided to share the monthly readings online, because a spirit told me that someone is interested in the mysticism that’s in my life and wants to see more of it, they also indicated that our cards might be similar…  I wonder who that is?  Let me know if it’s you in the comments below!

My oracle reading for the next four weeks;

1 – Druid animal oracle by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm

EAGLE

This card indicates that I have a huge decision to make this month.

I may also make a powerful alliance with someone.

There will definitely be some kind of detachment from something or someone or rejuvenation because of one or both of the above.

I may have to have courage in whatever this card is indicating, the decision or the person or the situation.

2 – The Lovers Oracle pack

MANIFESTING MIRACLES

My dreams are soon to become a reality.

I have to trust my heart and continue to follow in its guidance.

3 – Chakra wisdom oracle cards by Tori Hartman

VICTIM

This card represents the Heart Chakra – so that chakra could be the most dominant this month particularly with the below meaning behind it;

I am going to be in denial of a situation that will occur to me

I am asked to make a major decision regarding my whole life

I will feel delusional about what is offered, I won’t believe the person, but apparently it’s not a trick as the other cards in this reading will show and indicate…

The offer is about both growth and empowerment, but other cards in the reading indicate it could be a new relationship too, where growth & empowerment will be important throughout that relationship

The card is VICTIM – but this indicates I could be the victim of my own inability to see that I am worthy of this potential offer or relationship!

4 – The Spirit of the Animals Oracle – I was only meant to draw one card from this pack but 3 fell when I had barely shuffled after asking my question and I read them all as I felt an instinct to do so! 

4.1 BEE – COMMUNITY

The bee indicates an increase in communication, community spirit or social matters in my life.

It is also a powerful manifestation card, meaning that something I have wanted a long time is coming to me. 

It is also a card meaning reward, gifts or an offer.

This is another reason why I believe it is a new relationship coming into my life and they are coming with an offer that will change my life.

4.2 GRIZZLY BEAR – POWER

The grizzly bear shows me that there is an increase in my personal power coming soon, or a person coming into my life that has a lot of personal power.

If it is a person coming into my life, this person is strong, powerful, protective and loving towards me. 

4.3 EAGLE – MASTERY

To have two eagles from two different packs indicates an increase in all the eagle energies of the reading, so it is intensified.

But this particular oracle deck suggests that this card for this reading mainly indicates letting go of the past.  This is yet another reading I have had a lot of in the past nine weeks about how my life is going to be turned literally upside down but for the better in every possible area of my life!

All previous readings I have had from the past few weeks indicated to me that November 2022, February 2023, July 2023 and September 2023 are all going to be major months in my life with big upheavals or events.  In a previous reading it indicates in July 2023 there will potentially be immigration, leaving my homeland not just the house but the whole country!  But I have no plans for that – yet… what’s changing?  Well another reading a few days ago showed me that July 30^th could be a wedding date, now that’s super-fast, if this is a new relationship that’s happening!

5 – Tea Leaf Fortune Cards by Rae Hepburn

I dropped 2 from the first of two piles.  I read them both.

5.1 DRAGON

Beware of self-delusions.  This is another card which has indicated the above again… I have a hard time accepting when anything good happens to me, I am always expecting a trick behind it, you know?

5.2 CLUB

Someone will make a decision for me or will force me to make a decision or do something – again, a decision to react.

Pile 2 is next as this is a huge deck that needs to be split…

5.3 BUTTERFLY

A change for the better! 

Again over the past three months, I have got a lot of cards about how I am going through a major transformation.

I thought it would be interesting to let you know how these cards were arranged so far…

The bee had the dragon underneath it – which shows that the decision I have to make, I will probably not feel worthy of again, so this is definitely a major message here.

The grizzly bear had the club directly underneath that, which is kind of scary when you see a grizzly bear with a club in its hands!  Lol – but on a serious note, this is about power play, someone wants a decision and they might not be afraid to make it for me if I am too insecure or dithery about it.  Remember this person indicates a loving, strong and protective person.

The eagle has the butterfly underneath it, which shows us that I will be letting go of the past because of a major transformation happening in my life, the transformation is happening because of this major decision and potential alliance/relationship and I am required to have courage and move onto greener pastures.

So that’s what’s going to be happening in the next four weeks according to my oracle cards of the reading. 

The tarot decks will be done in part 2.

Thank you for reading!

British kids miss out

The UK hasn’t accepted Halloween or Trick or Treat as part of their culture for very long; In fact I remember as a child, the idea of Trick or Treat was largely an American idea, that most UK kids aspired to do, but their parents – afraid of demonic possession, mostly wouldn’t let their kids go out on Halloween night.

My mother was one of those parents who told Gina an honorary aunt that “if my girl comes home with a demon spirit inside her, you’ll be to blame”!  I was ten years old when I first went Trick or Treating and I only went twice in my life, because by and large most British folks are aggressive about people knocking on their doors.

I remember lots of people hurling abuse at me and the other kids, swearing at us, chasing us off with brooms or dogs!

Things have changed slightly since my Henry was born, he has managed to go Trick or Treating, but as soon as he was 10yrs old, people started getting mean – because here in the UK you can only go Trick or Treating if you so happen to be under the age of 11 or look it – or are accompanied by younger looking children with you.  If you don’t look young enough you are shooed away like some stray animal.

At least one in every four or five doors they either won’t open to you, or they will shout abuse at the kids.

It is becoming quite common in this area lately that at Halloween the local JWs start their rounds in the hope to turn people against their evil ways of encouraging their children to do “Trick or Treat activities”.

It’s so sad.

I remember when Henry was in his primary/junior school that they used to do a Halloween party for the kids every year, as soon as Henry goes to High school from the age of 11, it’s like everybody expects them not to be kids anymore – none of those fun things anymore.  No summer fetes, no Christmas fairs, no summer bouncy castles, no Halloween, Christmas or Easter parties, no Christmas card post box for your friends… I don’t get it.  Why 11?

I complained to other parents about the unfairness of the huge culture change from junior to high school, they all seem to think along the same lines as the authorities, it’s time to grow up now!

 But they’re only 11!

Henry has a lot of depression because of this, it seems to him that the whole world expects the fun to stop now and he is made to think about his career already.  When I was in school, they didn’t make me think about what career I wanted until I was 14 – now Henry is expected at 12 to have a firm grasp at what he wants from his life.

He is still dithering from cook, doctor, accountant, marathon runner or actor.

Despite the school pressurising him to grow up, he feels he has less freedom in high school than he did in junior school – in junior school he was a play leader for younger children, this school doesn’t have anything like that – instead they have prefects which are usually the most popular kids in the school as it is done by a voting system.

Henry was certainly the most popular child in primary and junior school, but since moving into high school, he has a small group of friends who are all considered over-achievers and are mostly bullied for it.

It’s so sad they make them grow up so fast here, a couple of my American friends on twitter can’t believe that the UK is so culturally backward as to be mean to children of a certain age at Halloween over a piece of candy.

One of my dreams since childhood was to leave the UK for America or Canada, but things didn’t turn out that way for me.  I always though, that although schools are not as secure as ours in regards to violence etc., they definitely do more for children and giving personal choices to children than UK schools do.  Because here in the UK, most children are educated like they are clothed in school, uniformly, no deviation from curriculum and certainly very limited choices if any and hardly any after school clubs ran at the school. 

Most high schools in the UK are expected to run from 8:30am to 4pm for five days a week, a 15 minute morning break and a 30 minute lunch break and that is all they get, well at my Henry’s school in any case.

I’ve never liked it, Paul and I did plan to move to Canada’s Prince Edward Island, when Henry was 3, but that fell through big time!

Anyway, happy reading!

Why I exist?

Touch starved

I cry for embrace

Love starved

I yearn for acceptance

Disgraced

I dream for change

Discarded

I beg for a new life

Crumbled up

I wish for love

Thrown away

I crave the grave

Destroyed

Yet I do not die

It leaves me wondering why

I exist

Fake people causing problems

Today I am wearing a green and black floral dress, where I really want to be wearing a lovely pair of corduroy dungarees with a cosy jumper underneath, but never mind!

If my grammar is bad today I apologise, but I am not sleeping well lately.  I have had eighteen hours sleep in three days all told.  Last night was the longest bout of sleep I’ve had in three days, ten hours but I was disturbed four times.

There is a lot I am thinking about and a lot of it is along the lines of “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” but never mind, I’ll learn to cope, I always do!

I always make do, its just me, I am easily adaptable and flexible and I try to make the best of any situation, but certain things are just going on too long now and I have nobody backing my corner, supporting me or cheering me on, it feels.

It’s hard to stay strong when you’re doing everything by yourself with no release to outsiders.

I am a fiery bitch today, because of issues going on. My Mediterranean ancestry is certainly noticeable today because a lot of people have riled me up! Beware as I am a super angry Italian mama today, I am usually very passive and calm as far as the rest of my family is concerned! This is a rarity of mine! But don’t piss me off today, as I am not holding back!

The only person I have patience with right now is my son, who is actually 40% of the problem, but he can’t help it!

Then strangers online have the audacity to put their insecure shit on me because I’m not there for them when they demand it!  They challenge what I say and get bitchy or they become drama llamas, I mean, come on – you don’t actually know me do you?  What gives you the right to add to my problems right now?  Are you ever going to be in my life? 

I very much doubt all of you will be!  There are six individuals this is aimed at and I will block them if they start this crap one more time, because I don’t need any more toxicity in my life thank you very much!  Get off your high horse and take a walk, if that’s how you’re going to treat me, because right now, I have REAL things going in my life I don’t need to take on FAKE problems like you!

I am sorry to say, but you mean nothing to me unless you are in my life or making an effort to be a TRUE friend.

Be realistic guys, are you genuinely in my life?  No, you six individuals have only spoken to me less than five times in your whole life online – yet you think you can get away with trying to get a reaction from me, like a clingy baby?

Grow up!

For those who read my blog a lot, I wholeheartedly apologise for posting this, but I need to get this out there.

Please understand.

Thanks for reading…

Things are different but hard

Disclaimer, this is a very long post, nearly 3k, sorry.

Things are definitely changing in my life, I have a little more personal freedom – not much, but it’s a lot for me and I haven’t had this amount of freedom for at least eight years now.

My physical health is improving enough where I am no longer staying in bed most of the time; in fact I am able to do a little exercise and chores on a daily basis now.  I believe it has everything to do with the new high protein diet.  I do however choose to escape into the bedroom for up to three hours a time these days, because I am not coping with Henry’s behavioural problems and the arguments in the household.

I am trying my best to do the housework, but Paul and Henry have got into the habit that I have been sick, so when I have made the efforts to tidy up, no one appreciates it and undoes my work around the house almost as soon as I have done it.  There is no respect for me in this regard.

I clear an area and Paul or Henry fills it again, in less than half a day, I have to say, it makes me wonder why I bother.

The other day, I spent forty five minutes cleaning the carpet in the hall and clearing away coats, hats, garden equipment and the vacuuming the living room, clearing up shoes, clothes and robots all over the floor.  Paul and Henry were both out – they came home and threw their coats wherever they liked, it had rained heavily and the mud was trapesing all over the floor, they sat down and not one of them mentioned about noticing I had done anything.

When I asked them about if they had noticed, all I got was an “ooh sorry, yeah, thanks”; But no effort to amend their slobby mess in the hall.

There are things I am desperate to clean, but with the finances being really hard on us, Paul is reluctant to buy the cleaning materials I am used to.

We have mild bleach and antibacterial wipes and a sponge for the bathroom, but that is all.

I struggle living in this house because a house usually reflects the quality of the wife or mother of the house – believe me when I say, this house is not a reflection of me at all!  I have been sick for years and Paul was a hoarder/pack rat before he met me and I had to struggle and deal with this problem of his for ages before I got sick and I nearly sorted the whole house out.

There are things Paul leaves for months, no matter how much I complained when I could leave the bed, he still never got around to doing things.  There are four rooms in the house that I ban everyone from going into, if they are guests because I’d die of embarrassment over it – Paul doesn’t have the same inclination as I do.  He doesn’t see what’s so bad about things, though he admits it needs to change.

The dining room has been unusable as Paul’s hoarding is coming back; this has been unusable for three years now.  The kitchen is just plain dangerous and dubious.  The utility room is dangerous and the roof has caved in and there is fibreglass hanging from it, every time it rains the whole room gets soaked and that is where we do our laundry – or rather where Paul does the laundry as it’s too dangerous and narrow for me to get out there, as whatever Paul can’t throw away, old broken electricals etc. gets stored out there.

The other room isn’t a room a guest would go to anyway, that’s the big bedroom, which is now Paul’s room and the room where we store Christmas decorations, DVDs, towels, linen and clothes.  It’s basically an enormous disorganised store room.

Paul is very tactical, he knows with my balance problems and weight, that I can’t get to places if he puts things a certain way.  This means there are lots of places I cannot access around the house unless he assists me; this makes me completely dependent upon him to help me.  The thing is, with this new diet of mine I am slimming down and I am gaining better balance, dexterity and agility as well as energy.  This is starting to cause ructions between us, as he doesn’t like the idea I no longer need him, despite knowing we’re separating soon.

I am a house proud woman; I was raised by very domesticated OCD housewives through my mother, paternal grandmother, various cousins and aunts I was sent to live with over the years.  I am meticulous about the house, I am an organised person who is driven nuts by the idea of piles upon piles of things and a throw it anywhere attitude. 

I am the kind of woman who goes into cafes and wipe the table down before I do anything and wipe up after myself too, I am that tidy it’s my nature.

I am the kind of person who has dinner, take the plates out and the sauces.  Whilst Paul says, leave it on the table I will deal with it later.  The plates are taken out and washed immediately, but the sauces can be there for days.

My little bit of freedom is that I can now do a little per day around the house, but living with people like this I often wonder if I should bother at all?

I have also paid off a debt, which means I now have for the first time in three years £25 a week to treat myself with.  I haven’t seen this kind of money for three years!

Paul won’t let me spend the money on anything but treats for myself, but the thing is, I need to.  I need to consider putting £10 a week away for savings, for travel money to the doctors and hospital.  Paul doesn’t know that’s why I am saving the money.  Because of the heat or eat crisis, I have tried to give Paul £5 here and there for treats for me and Henry, he accepts it but doesn’t like it if I extend that to say… fruits or meats I may want to add to the diet too as he sees that as part of the family money.  He doesn’t want me to spend money on the family or the house.

He admits he is proud and he doesn’t like that he can’t provide for me.

I want him to spend some of my money on getting the cleaning equipment I want but that is hard for him to digest, Paul tells me, he will clean it himself with what we have.  I am still waiting…

To be Frank with you, I can’t wait until I move out.  But Paul doesn’t like the idea of me being alone, because of my inclination towards avoiding meals and going into bouts of depression where I could self-harm.

I wasn’t depressed like this before I got sick and lost control around the house.

My depression was mostly to do with being sick and in constant pain, then it got worse because of my helplessness, followed by seeing the declination of the house hygiene and my son’s mental health and then the severe poverty, where we relied on a food bank for Christmas and for other occasions.

I don’t care that Paul is starting a new relationship with another woman, I care that I will lose my son, because Henry wants to stay here with his dad because he knows I go with the flow  and I probably wouldn’t stick around Rugby town when I move out.

I go where I am wanted or needed.

I am very flexible.

I am able to start going out once a week without it affecting any budget, this is why I have chosen to go to the library once a week on a Saturday afternoon around 1 to 4pm or thereabouts. but not today.

I will take my laptop so I could get extra writing done there for my novel, because I can’t write in a smelly, untidy house where Henry and Paul have screaming matches every fifteen minutes.

Perhaps as I get fitter, I could eventually walk to the library like I used to instead of getting the bus and then maybe go every day? 

I remember around 2014 before I got sick, that I regularly walked 9 miles per day, I miss that!  I also had enough energy left in me to be meticulous around the house, chasing a toddler and doing 45 minutes of Tae-bo a day too, this is not counting whatever I did at the recreation ground near the house, I used to power walk or jog around that five to seven times three times a week!

Paul was in constant exhaustion as he followed me everywhere, because I have a weird problem.  I don’t like going anywhere alone, ever.  Unless I have a dog, then that’s different as I don’t feel alone with a dog.

I can go out on my own, if I have a dog.

I’m weird I know, but there is something that makes me anxious when I am not in a small group.  I like groups, I thrive in them, but make me alone or put me into a situation where I am having a 121 or a 2 on 1 discussion with people I hardly know, I get so tense.

I tell you, it’s this weird… I will willingly go and talk to an audience of a thousand strangers about any subject you want as long as there is one person back stage or on stage that I know is there, the more people I know, the better; than say, go into a small confined room where I am far away from a door with two complete strangers.

It’s a trust issue.

If people are friendly with me around three or four consecutive visits, I will relax to them very quickly and they go into my trust circle, but if they are rude or mean in anyway, they will never get into that sense of security with me.

It’s just the way I am.

I am very much a pack animal and without my pack I am lost.

My fitness efforts are part of my project to get myself fit enough to find myself a pack, so I can feel like I want to live again.

I think finding my tribe or people who want to be in my life, as the key to my happiness.  I did have a wonderful community here in Rugby before I got sick, but when my sickness got so bad I couldn’t leave the house anymore, people dropped me over a time.  Nobody wanted to come and visit someone who was so sick they could hardly talk and they couldn’t get off the sofa.  Especially as I wasn’t diagnosed with anything that was potentially fatal!

I was just recovering from pneumonia and having multiple chest infections over the years that meant I became very disabled, it badly affected my mobility and I gained a lot of weight. 

In 2017 I decided that perhaps food could be my medicine?  I read a book called “The Wahl’s Protocol” which enlightened me enough that I went on an elimination diet, no gluten, no lactose, no eggs, no soy and as paleo as you can get.  I did see some improvement but not a lot, but I then developed certain deficiencies.

I then decided to try going slowly back on everything; it was fine until I started back on soy and mustard.  Then I decided to listen to my body from when I used to be athletic – go back to a high protein diet.

It’s the protein I need.

It’s the protein fixing me.

I try to get 75g of it per day at minimum, but it’s hard on our budget and I am writing this on the 28^th October 2022 – today I haven’t been able to eat much at all.  I had some chicken barely enough to fill half a sandwich and a protein shake and a little light snack, but I was unable to keep things down today.  I had barely 800 calories worth of food, this is becoming regular these days and it’s scary.

Paul think its stress, because I can’t cope with Henry’s behaviour and Henry’s behaviour is worse at the dinner table, where things get so heated between everyone, my stomach goes into knots and I physically cannot eat more than a couple of mouthfuls for a couple of hours.

We have discussed that I should have a separate meal time, away from Henry.

Henry appears to be developing such bad behavioural problems that it is almost like autism, the thing is, he didn’t have any of the signs of this when he was younger.  He is nearly thirteen, but his behaviour is so erratic and sometimes dangerous that it puts tremendous stress on us, especially me.

I half believe he is putting it on, so he doesn’t go to school.  He also finds his behaviour hilarious and doesn’t seem to understand that this behaviour is not funny, the more we show our concern and try to calm him down or even ignore him, the worse he gets.  We can’t win. Paul believes there is something genuinely wrong with him, but I think he is playing us a fool.

Why do I say this?  Because Henry is a huge attention seeker and because I used to work with the mentally disabled, that are far more severe than Henry and they were adults and I can tell you now – Henry’s behaviour is extreme and Henry is an A+ student, he only acts like this when he wants attention or when he doesn’t want to do something.

This is something the school has noted.  Henry is fine in certain classes and when he is around his favourite people, but put him into things he don’t like, he goes berserk literally.  He isn’t violent, he just plays up – acts the fool, reverts back to a toddler, if you get me?

For example, whilst at home if he gets his favourite dinner he is happy, naturally.  But he starts to grin really big and make repetitive noises such as heeee heeee heeee almost donkey like and starts to bounce on his bottom rapidly and shake, then he will hand the food into his mouth without using knives and forks.

This gets him noticed, this causes a reaction from Paul – Henry sees this reaction and likes the attention, so does it all the more and does other things that Paul will notice and comment on, making Henry get all the worse.  Till it escalates and they scream at each other, Henry hits himself and runs away, Paul makes chase, scream, scream, scream, Henry comes back at the table going on about how everybody hates him.

It is happening daily.

It’s exhausting.

I have suggested that we talk to Henry calmly, I am ignored.  I have suggested not giving attention to bad behaviour but noticing and praising the good behaviours instead, I am ignored.

When Henry has lunch when Paul is out, he never acts like this.

This is why I have severe reservations about leaving Henry with Paul.

Henry doesn’t react badly like this, when Paul is out, Henry is attentive, vain, clean and tidy when it’s just me and him.  Around Paul he loses it, he doesn’t want to take care of himself, he doesn’t want to do anything good and I can understand why.  Henry gets more attention when he is bad and is completely ignored when he is good, except by me.

I over compensate for Henry’s good behaviour, because I know it is lacking from his father.

There are times when Henry and I speak together away from Paul, because both of us do not want to trigger another screaming match by being overheard.  Henry often talks about how he doesn’t feel wanted or loved and because I am anxious about any shouting going on around me because of my PTSD, I am eager to be out of ear shot of Paul when he tells me these things.

It’s difficult here.  This is why I am finding it hard to do much.

I am constantly drained; I am running on empty lately.  Whenever I sit or lie down, I am inadvertently falling asleep very easily.  I have black circles under my eyes and it’s not lack of sleep or dehydration.

Sorry for such a long post, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Thanks for reading.