Daily Archives: October 9, 2022

Just don’t!

If you want me, talk to me

Get to know this girl

I like snuggles and chit chat

And to belong in this world

I need an embrace with a love that won’t end

I don’t want any hassle and I need a friend

I don’t want your gold and cocky emails

I just want your love

But I’m not for sale

Don’t think you can buy me with all of your things

I don’t care for big diamonds and gold itches and stings

I was once arm candy and I had a rich guy

But they thought that they owned me

Just another prize

But all I wanted deep in my heart was to feel cherished and treated as smart

I don’t want to go back there again

Being arm candy without a friend

I don’t want to hurt alone at night

Whilst sipping wine after a fight

I just want love, can’t you understand?

I can’t be bought, like a gilded arm band!

Nigel and Gene didn’t understand

That is why; they are no longer my man!

Sorry about this poem, tonight I had an email from someone who asked me to be their sugar baby, but I laughed at them and said I had to go.  Why did I do that?  Because it made me angry, I had to leave or be rude. personally they reminded me of a couple of my exes, no I wasn’t their sugar baby, but this made me angry and I had to leave that conversation.

My rich exes never lasted, because love wasn’t important to them.

OK, Gene dumped me, because of excess bleeding for several weeks as I tried to get over the miscarriage he caused when he hit me.– but I decided to leave Nigel because he wasn’t affectionate enough and he just wanted me to tag along to places, he made me feel like an escort, you know?  But I wasn’t and I didn’t get respect from his friends and their wives, because they were convinced that was what I was to him!

It’s uncomfortable.

I was not always in poverty either; I have experienced wealth, personal wealth, without a man.  Just, if anyone reading this is interested in me enough to approach me, like some of you have – please, just don’t try to buy me!  I am really not impressed by things; I am only looking for emotional stability with someone loving, OK?

I want my family to expand; I want a deep bond with someone, is that too much to ask?  Just because I have a pretty face and potential, doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart and I am not worthy of love and respect guys!

If it’s not my potential great looks when I lose the weight, it’s trying to steal my stories by feigning to be interested in me.  I don’t like it one bit.

I actually want to get married someday perhaps. I know I am 40 now, but, I am not beyond hope surely?

For goodness sake I just want to be someone’s precious baby, not a sugar one!

I am so angry and almost in tears right now over this idiot!

We never spoke before, he just presumed he’d flash his cash at me and I’d roll over like a – whatever! NO!

I thought just leaving the chat would calm me down, but this simmered for an hour and I just exploded. Sorry if this post is not comprehensive but its got me all GRRRRRAH!

I’m not untouchable, but if you are rich. I don’t give a flying monkey, I just want someone to love and they love me and just grrr… get on happily with my life!

I’m desperate for a new start, but the right start.

I have so much love to give!


Filed under poetry

Gypsy, spice and plums

It’s an autumn gypsy style day, for me!

Unfortunately today I can’t dress how I want to because I can’t find my gypsy skirt!  But, today I would like to be in a brown and pink floral skirt with a white or brown lacy cami top, sandals, and a lovely crochet shawl that is oversized.

Still want my beaded and wooden jewellery today and little dangles in my hair!

But I love the crochet and lacy stuff today!

A friend online got me thinking about “plum season” by mentioning cinnamon French toast – yum! 

I miss my cinnamon French toast with homemade cinnamon plum compote recipe; the plums don’t look good just yet in store.

But it’s a heavenly recipe I learned from Nigella Lawson on TV and the way I make it when the compote goes cold it often goes hard, like hard candy, which is a treat in itself!

The problem is (though it’s not a problem for me) it’s a huge aphrodisiac! 

I generally try to have this as a Christmas Day breakfast.

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Filed under Who am I today?

A little bit of me

Sorry I forgot to schedule something for today, didn’t mean for this to be late.

My ultimate favourite colour is Royal Purple, followed by lime green, orange and chocolate brown.

I dislike the colour grey in anything other than suits and rocks and I dislike large blocks of white or ivory colours.

My ultimate favourite animal in the whole wide world are dogs, followed by goats, guinea pigs, rabbits, cheetahs, corvids (crows, magpies, ravens), snakes, bats and bears.

I didn’t have arachnophobia until I have been bitten several times because I picked spiders up and I developed an allergy to their bites, which is saying something because in the UK our spiders aren’t venomous generally.

I laugh, cry and talk in my sleep.

The more nervous I am or worried about anything, the less likely I am to shut up, I can talk for hours!

I say “ooh” quite a lot if I am excited or find something interesting.

I am like a squirrel with a huge caffeine rush generally, but especially after eating sugary food, exercising or having sex. Energiser bunny indeed!

I always forget grape tomatoes squirt when cut wrong!

My nervous stomach can be quite loud at times and often the subject of embarrassment.

I can’t be physically active or go for a walk within fifteen minutes of eating, as I have slow digestion issues and activity after eating will make me ill.

When given a hot beverage, I am the last to drink it because I can’t drink molten lava like the rest of the world, so in order to be social I shrug and ask for water as people tend to take my undrunk tea away before I am ready and I never get to drink anything!

I struggle to be graceful with biscuits/cookies as to me they are all bite sized… in public I am well behaved but at home, I am faster than the cookie monster and put them in my mouth whole like a greedy little gannet.  This is why I like American cookies; it makes me look less savage as they are so big!

I appear to be in a constant state of awe and wonder, primarily because I am – the world is baffling to me and beautiful.

I am prone to mixing my words up and having what is referred to as “spoonerisms”, or I am prone to forgetting the name of things, people and words in general.  You know, like that big round thing that bounces?  A what you call it… sphere like thing… ball!  That’s it – ball!

One famous spoonerism I had whilst living with Paul was “buttered nymph” I can’t remember what I actually wanted to say to him.

Sometimes my brain works too fast and that’s why I have them.  For example I might want to say “what a superb plinth” but it might come out as “Splinth”.

My spleen swells when I have mustard or soy, I am also sort of allergic to pineapple –cooked pineapple is ok, but sometimes raw makes my mouth swell for some reason.  I can’t eat flax/linseed either because of the spleen. 

I hate marmite.

Favourite ice-cream flavour is probably raspberry ripple or chocolate mint or strawberry. 

I hate pistachio ice-cream.

I have insomnia and hypersomnia, so weird and so I sleep whenever I can.

I have asthma, rheumatic arthritis, IBD, IBS, Auto-immune inner ear disease, pernicious anaemia, PTSD and a disabled left hand due to twisted tendons as 100% confirmed conditions.

I have had fifteen operations in my whole life, only three of them major. The worst one was when I was a teenager I had a full mastoidectomy which took to years to recover fully from. For two whole years I couldn’t bend over, turn suddenly, move my head fast, or wash my hair without assistance. My mastoid infection was ignored by my mum until it was really too late, almost.

The consultant who saved my life said he had never seen an infection that bad in his whole forty year career, give or take forty eight hours and the infection would have eaten into my brain he estimated.

This is why I gave up swimming and judo as potential careers.

My PTSD is triggered by aggressive people, shouting and sudden moves near me that is fast and unexpected.  I am quite jumpy to sudden things, if I know what to expect I am generally quite calm.

I have to have special treatment when I go to the dentist because medical procedures of the mouth are a bad anxiety trigger for me, because of bad things happening to me when I was young.  Being forced fed to the point the fork ripped my mouth, having a doctor be impatient with me they split my lip when they needed to give me treatment in hospital and a bunch of other things.

If you look very closely to my mouth, you’ll see they are uneven because of the scars, well maybe not; Paul has been looking for years and reckons he can’t see it.

I have a hearing aid for the left ear.  I should have one for the right too, but I have a condition of the inner ear which causes my right ear in particular to have eczema inside it, so I am advised never to wear a hearing aid in that ear – so I am completely deaf in that ear. 

Despite being deaf I have never learned to sign.  I am considered profoundly deaf and eligible for a hearing dog; I rely heavily on vibration, like a bat really… and lip reading.  Echoic places are difficult for me as are dense places where sound can’t flow from wall to wall.

I have to wear corrective lenses all the time because I am so short sighted I can’t see my own feet without them, thanks to a head injury I sustained from my mum when I was 10yrs old, lucky she didn’t blind me as I have astigmatism.

My biggest goal in life was to have five children and I haven’t succeeded in that, yet; awfully jealous of large loving families.

When in a relationship I like to touch and be touched a lot as I was attention starved as a child and crave physical attention almost all the time, unfortunately I consider myself to be a bit clingy when I find someone who reciprocates.  Touch is addictive, except the times when your hands get too sweaty because you held them for too long and me being in a constant state of anxiety means that too long could be a whole minute – lol.  Well time to lock arms then, eh?

Outside of my hobbies, writing, reading and normal schedules, I do tend to need to be guided to do other things as I get stuck in a rut a lot.  It’s difficult when I have a partner who just lets me get on with things too much and if I chose to do nothing, well, that’s OK to them.  I don’t like that, I hate not being useful and challenged.

I am very competitive and I end up with very humble unassuming people who are very laid back – it’s hard to improve around people like that.  I need the stimulation from others to improve myself and I love competition!

I am a very goal oriented/motivated person, but it’s hard doing it when no one else is reminding you or even nagging you about it!

I remember going for a jog before I got ill and found it hard to do three laps around the park, Paul’s attitude was, well let’s go and sit down then.  I didn’t need to hear that, I needed to be told, come on you can finish this lap at least and have them motivate me by showing me they aren’t tired yet either.  Pah, but people like that are gold dust to me!

I have to admit living with Paul has made me incredibly lazy as there is nothing to push me and I have progressively got less fit, this is why I made the changes in my life early this summer.  It was all a way of me getting fit enough to socialise and find those kinds of people to bring into my life again – because this life I have right now is really boring.

But as much as I like to be humble and modest, I will admit one thing and that is I am a huge attention whore!  I like praise, I like to be noticed, I like people being friendly to me and I love compliments!


Because I love feeling loved and I love loving.

There is a dark side to me too, one thing I am slightly, only slightly, ashamed of and that is when I was slimmer, I enjoyed peoples envy.  They envied my hourglass figure, they envied my hair, they envied the attention I got from men and I do miss that.

But despite the envy I was never horrible.  I always tried to make people feel good about themselves if they are nice, but I did enjoy that they envied me, because there is one major vice I have and that is I am prone to being the green eyed monster and so it made a change someone else was envious of me instead.

I hold grudges if people are mean to me.  I try not to, but I was raised by a mega bitch and the apple didn’t fall too far regarding this trait.  If someone hurts my feelings, I will pay it back sometimes.  But mostly I am just passive aggressive or I keep away from the person for diplomacy sake.  The problem comes when I avoid people and they ask why – because I am so damned blunt and honest!

Paul has often said I can destroy a person with just one sentence, ouch.

Luckily though, I think I’ve changed a bit.  I am slow to react these days because I have realised people generally can’t help themselves for being rude.  So I plodder on until they get too obnoxious.

But gosh am I easy to rile up if I know someone else thought the same as I did about a person?

I prefer kindness. Treat everyone as your favourite cousin and make them feel good wherever possible.

My creativity is a funny thing; I find inspiration in the weirdest of places.  I am a cloud gazer for example and I see funny shapes in shadows on blankets etc.  Sometimes when my glasses are off, I mistake a leaf under the table for a fairy peeking at me.

But that’s a little insight to me.

Happy reading…


Filed under About Me