The dream me

In my dreams I am not me

My hair is white and crimply

It shines like glitter in the light

My eyes like topaz shines in the night

I am dressed in white with a gold band

And there stands my gentleman with me hand in hand

I’m not fat in those dreams of mine

I am slim and lithe and look so fine

I am like a fairy of the night

In my dreams a beautiful sight

When I wake and in the mirror see

That I am not who I want to be

It’s like a horror story unfolding

This real body of mine needs some moulding

So this is why I work so hard

To try and fight off all the lard

And someday I will happy be

When I look in the mirror to see me

This poem was a long time coming. I really do have dreams where I look like that, I am pretty sure its what my soul looks like; but my real body is literally its polar opposite.

What I find weird about all of this is that when I was a baby till I was 6yrs old my hair was white just like that and I was underweight, then suddenly I got dark and piled on the pounds.

So weird, it was around the time my hair went dark that my mother started to turn against me. I think she thought I’d always be like that.

Today, I feel glamorous and playful. I might be in one of those days of being undecided what to wear. But I do feel like its a red day for me and I would probably make more effort in putting on make up and doing my hair today, if I could afford the cosmetics.

I also feel sexier than normal, so I would opt for split skirts and cleavage boosting clothing and sexy boots.

I’d probably wear daring make up too, I feel daring today.

I know into yesterday evening my looks for the day started to change into the idea of being a peachy or cerise kawaii. That often happens, I shift my ideas of fashion some days where I would want to be two or three things at various times in the day.

But today it’s sexy red clothing, like some kind of silky vampire, with silky clingy knee high sexy boots and vampiric make up. Figure permitting! This is an idealism if I had a body to match my vision.

Instead I sort of look like a saucy sailor.

Happy reading!

My fashion idols

Women I’ve idolised my whole life and some more recently for whatever reason;

Kathleen Turner – absolutely stunning, always liked her shape and she’s so pretty.

Diana Dors is literally a pin up I had as a teenager but mum either by accident or design ripped the poster that was on my wall and now I only have postcards of her. 

But I always wanted to be like her when I grow up – white hair, that kind of figure at her prime was always my goal!

Even to this day, I’ve mostly wanted white platinum wavy hair, but I don’t think it suits my face.  So a brunette then I suppose?  Or purple hair?  Or go to a wig shop and see what does suit me and see if platinum does suit my face?  Lol.

If it does suit me, then I will feel happy, but I am stockier than I want to be and I don’t think I can do much about that, I build muscle too fast, always have!  As Al Pacino’s devil said in my favourite movie Devil’s advocate “Vanity is my favourite sin”, but I’d like to think I am not terribly narcissistic in a bad way, but I do enjoy some attention, depends what though!

It was always my intention to be like this someday, whenever the opportunity occurs, I won’t be becoming anything new just because… it’s really who I am in my heart.  What I am now is a false creature, living and dressing in the reality I do not want.

I am a chameleon peacock by heart. 

Kirstie Alley back in the 80s was also on my pin up idol list.

Glen Close, she’s always been gorgeous!  

Meryl Streep, again she’s always been pretty and I have always liked her style too – I was flabbergasted when my niece did my face on an app to see how I would look in 50yrs time if I were rich and glamorous – I looked like I could be her sister!  I have the pic on Facebook somewhere I got to find it for Instagram.

Rosie Perez was also on my list growing up, of who I idolised in looks and fashion as well as a classic English actress called Penelope Keith, I envy Penelope’s voice.

As was Kate Moss and Linda Evangelista.

In my early twenties I developed an obsession to be like Lucille Ball and have red hair, one of my exes said that in his opinion my personality is mirror quality to her, but I won’t ever look like her!

Shame really.

Also more recently I really like the fashion sense of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Dita Von Teese, Bjork and Melanie Martinez, but my body doesn’t suit their style yet… working on it!

I know I am probably going to look like mutton dressed as lamb but I don’t really care, it’s what’s in my heart that counts and I want to look however I like!

On my more androgynous days I like to look like Tilda Swinton, Glen Close, Annie Lennox, Cara Delevingne and several of the lifestyle female dandies on YouTube.

But I am mostly cute and wacky and most likely to wear Joe Browns, gypsy style, or cute styles similar to Kawaii– around the home I like wrap dresses, baggy tops, cardigans and dungarees if I can help it and have the budget for it.

I really wished I had more options going for me, but until I lose around another twenty to forty pounds I am pretty limited in the UK.

My weight loss goal is to be 180llb again.

I will get there, because I need to, my style is boring these days because I am just making do!

Though I’ve never been in the position to afford making myself up facially with cosmetics on a regular basis. As I said, I’ll get there, eventually. I am hoping my YouTube will be successful so I can afford to be this, imagine… a plain Jane to a glamorous peacock!

I also enjoy fashion designs from Jeremy Scott, Donatella Versace, Zandra Rhodes and Alexander McQueen.

Happy reading!