God’s door

No more signs the time is running short

Don’t be tardy, there’s a lesson to be taught

Got to run and catch them

Get them in your hands

Because soon there could be another

Who will take them to new sands

You dreamt of this daily

You know they mean you good

Just trust that you know this

And things will go as they should

God has showed you much

Yet you ask for more and more

Just remember this

Get there before they close the door

For they are getting sleepy

And falling into sleep

You have to try and get there

Before they fall too deep

Heads up

If I am quiet over the next few days, here’s the reason why; I have a cold that’s quickly turning into a chest and double ear infection.  My throat glands are getting huge and I take a while to get over things like this because of my auto-immune conditions.  Not looking forward to it worsening.

An average cold can take me three weeks to get over; a chest infection can stick around all winter once I have it, if the doctors choose to be slack.  Just got to hope I get a good one if the chest gets worse this week.

May have to force in a budget to see a doctor, before Monday!  Yes, the NHS is free, but getting there isn’t, we don’t have a car.

The ear infection is managed by home meds, but we’ve heard that there is a product recall that could make getting the medication for my ears difficult for up to three months potentially.  Which will mean that I may lose my hearing until we can find an alternative that I don’t break out in hives with.

Anyway, just a heads up and happy reading as always!

It’s rainbow tardy day!

It’s a rainbow tardy day, I want to be surrounded by prisms and rainbows and I just can’t decide which colours to wear today so it’s almost anything I can find, which isn’t much in my wardrobe unfortunately!

I saw some really cool knee high rainbow stockings on Pinterest today, I so want them!  But they wouldn’t suit me, I have to hide my legs, I have hockey legs, or so gran called them!

I tried making a banner for free today on Canva, spent an hour trying to make it, for it to turn out wrong and I gave up!  Setting up YouTube by January may be another fail, unless I can get to grips with it.

I hope I can.

Happy reading!

My life in colour

It’s a colourful world and over the years my favourite colours have changed, quite dramatically.

When I was very small, from as young as I can remember probably a toddler, till I was around seven years old, I loved the colours pink and red; I was a truly quite a feminine little creature back then.  When I turned around 8yrs old, I grew to hate both of those colours, because my mum came away from blacks and browns and decided to decorate most of the house red and it came with her massive personality changes in how she raised me.

Red is a colour of aggression and violence and it happened to be a time where there was a lot of it in the house from each member of the family to each other and outsiders forcing their way into the home or dragging people out of it for a darn good belting!

Mum changed the colour scheme when I was around 12yrs old on advisement from the therapist I was seeing.  This is when I began to believe in colour psychology, because a lot of the violence cooled down, not a lot, but enough to feel safer.

My favourite colour became sky blue until I reached around 10yrs old, when I decided I liked black and royal blue a lot.

Around the age of 14 my favourite colour went back to sky blue, but also pastel yellows, until I had my mastoid surgery when I was around 17 – when my colour scheme went back to black, royal blues and purples and more or less stayed there for most of my life since.

It was around 2013 that my colours kind of changed again – Royal purple being my main favourite, but with lime green, orange and chocolate brown – I still occasionally like royal blue and even teal or viridian maybe even turquoise, I noticed I like peacock colours and royal colours a lot. 

These days I mostly prefer purples of any shade, blues of any shade and certain types of green and orange.  I am going off brown lately, unless in fashion.

I’ve always loved certain patterns too, like harlequin patterns, black and white diamonds you know?  Rainbows, zebra prints, polka dots and gingham, I also kind of like dogtooth.

If it’s garish I’d probably like it.  I don’t like to have things looking too uniformed around a home, I kind of like to mix and match for comfort.  I love cushions of any size and shape really. 

I really, really hate large blocks of white and grey though; grey is the most hated colour in all the world to me.  Though put grey on a man in a nice suit and it’s pretty good for some men, suits some of them – but ordinarily outside of that, I have a low grey tolerance.    Silver is fine, but not grey.

I’m allergic to gold, but still like to use the gold paint, which reminds me…

I also love metallic colours and when I used to be able to afford practising my art, I’d use metallic up before anything else.

One of my favourite things in interior design is the Verdigris copper effect.

Most of the flowers in my garden are blue, purple or orange with little shocks of white here and there.  Before the bad neighbour started to take the joy of gardening away from me, our front garden was known as the blue garden that stole nature.  Because our garden was mostly all different shades of blue and purples and we had all the bees, butterflies, birds and other creatures you could think of, whereas everywhere else was barren.

I also like steampunk stuff too, as I said, I love metals, but I really hate all this modern interior design that goes in for a lot of chrome and that – that’s not me.  I like organised chaos, mix it up, nothing that looks too clinical, you know?

My home here with Paul in the past few years has slowly started to look more and more like a teenagers bedroom, not because of the mess – that’s not me, I am not messy, it’s the boys of the house that does that!  But for me what I meant is, I am not ashamed to have beautiful butterfly cushions on the sofa, mixed up with a marvel cushion and a piglet cushion etc.

I am not ashamed of adorning my bookshelves with trolls, gnomes, faeries, dragons and crystals.

I am also not ashamed to use perfume instead of air spray to freshen the rooms up a bit.

What gets confusing is days like today… I feel gothic today.  I want to be like Morticia Addams, I wish I had her figure at least! 

I often wondered what it would be like to be so rich that you could be ridiculous with it… such as, have a huge house that is completely identical on either side, you know, like a mirror, but its split in half, still attached, only one side is completely gothic on the inside with dark academia style – the other side is like a teenage fantasy house with kooky stuff and bits of kawaii.  On the outside everyone can see what looks like a morph of The Addams Family residence stuck together and squished into some weird little fairy cottage or something.

Because day to day I change, some days I wake up feeling like the creature of the night and other days I am waking up with the same spirit and vibrancy of a care bear!

Mummy’s having a spooky day dear; please go to the kitchen of gloom for your breakfast today.  Haha.

On a serious note, it is something I’ve thought about for a while.

Obviously on the dark side we’ll have creaky doors and noisy furniture.

It is hard for me to choose which lifestyle to be, fantasy colourful and bright or dark academia spook.

Do I want to wear rainbow dungarees today?  Or do I totally want the Elvira vibe?

Decisions, decisions!

I think I’ll just mix it up and keep doing that.

So what if you see a three headed dog statue in one corner and a rainbow unicorn in another, so what if you come across hands in the wall to hang your coats and crystals shining rainbows into the room – it’s a home and it would be mine and I feel it to be divine!

Does anybody want to join me in my weirdness?

Because certainly if you want a life with me it’s certainly not going to be boring and I refuse to be normal… normal people scare me, why the heck do I want to be one of them?

If I won the lottery on Friday I will be buying loads of weird stuff, Paul dreads it.  But Paul isn’t planning on being in my life anymore, so what the hey?

You can get an idea of my weird tastes by following some of my pin boards on Pinterest.  My favourite and weirdest board is called FUNNYTURE  https://www.pinterest.co.uk/thetardycreative/funnyture/

Thanks for reading!

It’s not vanity week, honest!

Why did I confess about my supressed vanity and why do I seem so proud of it?

Because, it is a major part of my natural personality that got the hardest beatings and chastisements over the years, to me it feels like it was 50% of my personality and that since my suppressors took a hold on me – to get me out of the mind-set of it, it was like I have lived my whole life a lie.

I lived as my shadow self for too long, though many people feel that vanity is the shadow aspect in itself, maybe my mind is all muddled up – but to me, this is what came naturally to me and it is this what got moulded out of me.

I know a lot of people, my mother included will tell me that vanity is the shadow self, because vanity is a sin.

I don’t see how it’s a sin to make the most of what you have, why shouldn’t you adorn the precious body God gave you however you like?  Why should you not worship God through your temple, which is your body and give thanks and honour him for a job well done?

Why is it more holy to hate yourself and live modestly about your looks or abilities, surely revelling in it all is the biggest form of gratitude to the creator?

I remember slaps across my face as a child when I actually used to have the guts to ask these questions to my mother!

“How dare you” she used to say as she’d drag me to the bathroom to wash my mouth with soap, literally!

To wash those dirty words out of my mouth, because I say something that can’t be redeemed, her long nails scratching the back of my throat as she washed my tongue deeply!

I hate Imperial Leather soap to this day!

All the women I admired growing up were the vain glamorous types, I always kind of screwed my nose up at the ordinary woman and lived in amazement at how much some women put the time into their looks above everything else.

I always wanted to be like that too, but I was only like that for two short years in my adult life before I moved in with Paul and about a year when I moved in with Paul – funnily enough the year before I became sick.

Its sods law that I want to get to grips with my true self now and I have long Covid alopecia which is ruining my idea of what great hair is!  I have learned these things over the years, your hair is your crowning glory, and the thing that gets you judged the most; second to that are your shoulders, people look at your shoulders and your neck and judge your posture a lot!  Thirdly to this is the clothing or accessories you choose to wear and it’s generally make up as the last thing people will notice about you. 

Though going back to the clothing, people don’t look up and then down, they look down and go up, they judge you from your footwear.  This is my experience in any case.

Your smile is another factor that probably comes before the cosmetic application judgement!  Which is why I have a closed mouth smile, I am ashamed of my mouth.

My mouth is the most abused part of my body, my voice suppressed a lot, my mouth has had a lot of abuse – forced feedings, mouth wash outs, slapped across the face a lot, squeezed to keep silent, hand over my mouth, is it any wonder my throat chakra is hard to unblock?

So what is going on here, why is it vanity week?

Well it’s not intentionally vanity week – it’s just I am really working on my inner child in the past two or three weeks and it just so happens to coincide with a few of the self-therapies I am doing.

Waking up the true me, the unblocked me, the real me.

I want to take you all on a journey with me – weight loss and changing my image and I hope it will be fun for all of us!

I am not going to be happy until I can rock a pair of suspenders better than Dr Frank n Furter!

Just don’t think of me in them now huh, don’t want to have nightmares now do we?

For me one of the big things I hate about living here is the inability to get access to someone who can do household maintenance when it needs to be done, instead of having to wait years between projects!  Our shower broke down in 2016 and I bought its replacement in 2018 and it still hasn’t been installed!  I need my twice daily showers and twice weekly exfoliations!

I miss lathering myself in shea butter for an hour and then showering it off, the stretch marks were reduced a lot and it does a lot to help with cellulite, but you can’t get into a bath to wash it all off, ew!

I think my biggest goal since childhood was to have the confidence as well as the body to rock a velveteen cat suit too!  One I’ve dreamt of designing since I was a nine!  When I had the figure to wear something like that I didn’t have the guts!

Its really weird how since doing all this inner child stuff, I am seeing a lot of butterflies, dragonflies, caterpillars, flamingos, ibises and peacocks – all representatives of transformation, flamboyance, vibrancy, vanity and confidence.

I have been taking care of my body with a high protein diet, a little exercise per day and face yoga and I am seeing a major difference to my face and figure personally.  I am starting to like myself a bit but I am thinking that’s a lot to do with the change in my mentality, thanks to that Mel Robbins technique I shared with you a couple of weeks back!

I am now able to plank for about one minute, which is impressive when you think that I struggled to hold a squat for fifteen seconds at Easter!

Six weeks ago I could only do ten reps of bicep curls without weights before needing a two minute break to continue to the full thirty reps – now I can do fifty reps off the bat without resting, though I am slightly out of breath by then.

My main focuses in toning up are my triceps area, as that is not a very nice part of my body, as well as my abs, because I look five months pregnant if I am being honest right now.  The rest of the body seems to be doing itself naturally and appropriately, I don’t know why these two areas in particular are being stubborn!

The aim isn’t to become too muscular, but to tone it up and not be horribly flabby.

At the moment my arms look alien to the rest of my body, which is why I pose with them tightly behind my back, because I look like an ape… well I am an ape, all humans are… but you know what I mean!

So, I just want to be beautiful and feel good for it, I want to be in a position of belief when someone tells me I am beautiful.  But I don’t want to be a mean cocky bitch about it like some women are. 

I just want to wear what I want, feel great in it and be who I want to be, when I want to be it, instead of cringing and thinking I am making a fool of myself, or that people are going to think that two little boys are fighting up my skirt as I walk down the road!

Thanks for reading!