Why did I confess about my supressed vanity and why do I seem so proud of it?
Because, it is a major part of my natural personality that got the hardest beatings and chastisements over the years, to me it feels like it was 50% of my personality and that since my suppressors took a hold on me – to get me out of the mind-set of it, it was like I have lived my whole life a lie.
I lived as my shadow self for too long, though many people feel that vanity is the shadow aspect in itself, maybe my mind is all muddled up – but to me, this is what came naturally to me and it is this what got moulded out of me.
I know a lot of people, my mother included will tell me that vanity is the shadow self, because vanity is a sin.
I don’t see how it’s a sin to make the most of what you have, why shouldn’t you adorn the precious body God gave you however you like? Why should you not worship God through your temple, which is your body and give thanks and honour him for a job well done?
Why is it more holy to hate yourself and live modestly about your looks or abilities, surely revelling in it all is the biggest form of gratitude to the creator?
I remember slaps across my face as a child when I actually used to have the guts to ask these questions to my mother!
“How dare you” she used to say as she’d drag me to the bathroom to wash my mouth with soap, literally!
To wash those dirty words out of my mouth, because I say something that can’t be redeemed, her long nails scratching the back of my throat as she washed my tongue deeply!
I hate Imperial Leather soap to this day!
All the women I admired growing up were the vain glamorous types, I always kind of screwed my nose up at the ordinary woman and lived in amazement at how much some women put the time into their looks above everything else.
I always wanted to be like that too, but I was only like that for two short years in my adult life before I moved in with Paul and about a year when I moved in with Paul – funnily enough the year before I became sick.
Its sods law that I want to get to grips with my true self now and I have long Covid alopecia which is ruining my idea of what great hair is! I have learned these things over the years, your hair is your crowning glory, and the thing that gets you judged the most; second to that are your shoulders, people look at your shoulders and your neck and judge your posture a lot! Thirdly to this is the clothing or accessories you choose to wear and it’s generally make up as the last thing people will notice about you.
Though going back to the clothing, people don’t look up and then down, they look down and go up, they judge you from your footwear. This is my experience in any case.
Your smile is another factor that probably comes before the cosmetic application judgement! Which is why I have a closed mouth smile, I am ashamed of my mouth.
My mouth is the most abused part of my body, my voice suppressed a lot, my mouth has had a lot of abuse – forced feedings, mouth wash outs, slapped across the face a lot, squeezed to keep silent, hand over my mouth, is it any wonder my throat chakra is hard to unblock?
So what is going on here, why is it vanity week?
Well it’s not intentionally vanity week – it’s just I am really working on my inner child in the past two or three weeks and it just so happens to coincide with a few of the self-therapies I am doing.
Waking up the true me, the unblocked me, the real me.
I want to take you all on a journey with me – weight loss and changing my image and I hope it will be fun for all of us!
I am not going to be happy until I can rock a pair of suspenders better than Dr Frank n Furter!
Just don’t think of me in them now huh, don’t want to have nightmares now do we?
For me one of the big things I hate about living here is the inability to get access to someone who can do household maintenance when it needs to be done, instead of having to wait years between projects! Our shower broke down in 2016 and I bought its replacement in 2018 and it still hasn’t been installed! I need my twice daily showers and twice weekly exfoliations!
I miss lathering myself in shea butter for an hour and then showering it off, the stretch marks were reduced a lot and it does a lot to help with cellulite, but you can’t get into a bath to wash it all off, ew!
I think my biggest goal since childhood was to have the confidence as well as the body to rock a velveteen cat suit too! One I’ve dreamt of designing since I was a nine! When I had the figure to wear something like that I didn’t have the guts!
Its really weird how since doing all this inner child stuff, I am seeing a lot of butterflies, dragonflies, caterpillars, flamingos, ibises and peacocks – all representatives of transformation, flamboyance, vibrancy, vanity and confidence.
I have been taking care of my body with a high protein diet, a little exercise per day and face yoga and I am seeing a major difference to my face and figure personally. I am starting to like myself a bit but I am thinking that’s a lot to do with the change in my mentality, thanks to that Mel Robbins technique I shared with you a couple of weeks back!
I am now able to plank for about one minute, which is impressive when you think that I struggled to hold a squat for fifteen seconds at Easter!
Six weeks ago I could only do ten reps of bicep curls without weights before needing a two minute break to continue to the full thirty reps – now I can do fifty reps off the bat without resting, though I am slightly out of breath by then.
My main focuses in toning up are my triceps area, as that is not a very nice part of my body, as well as my abs, because I look five months pregnant if I am being honest right now. The rest of the body seems to be doing itself naturally and appropriately, I don’t know why these two areas in particular are being stubborn!
The aim isn’t to become too muscular, but to tone it up and not be horribly flabby.
At the moment my arms look alien to the rest of my body, which is why I pose with them tightly behind my back, because I look like an ape… well I am an ape, all humans are… but you know what I mean!
So, I just want to be beautiful and feel good for it, I want to be in a position of belief when someone tells me I am beautiful. But I don’t want to be a mean cocky bitch about it like some women are.
I just want to wear what I want, feel great in it and be who I want to be, when I want to be it, instead of cringing and thinking I am making a fool of myself, or that people are going to think that two little boys are fighting up my skirt as I walk down the road!
Thanks for reading!