I need a purpose

I am going to update my twitter feed only when I have written towards a novel project in excess of 500 words in a day; because lately that’s a feat in itself, because of the problems going on.  

Poems are fine, they are short and they sweet and I generally can write a poem in ten minutes, but long bouts of concentration is not reachable for me at the moment with the stuff going on in the house.

Ultimately a lot of the stuff is mainly quarrels between Paul and Henry; I am not involved because if I speak, it makes it worse.  I am just like the piggy in the middle sitting there absorbing this toxic energy feeling helpless and it is affecting my thinking processes.

I am also finding it hard to have my privileges respected, the privilege of watching TV or listening to music – nobody cares what mama wants in this house, mama has to always go without! 

Mama is easily forgotten here, even regarding food treats, which is why I have to ask sometimes, or I don’t get.  Easily forgotten!  Because I don’t have access to household funds, so this mama doesn’t do the shopping!  That’s how it is here.

I can’t clean the house, because Paul worries I am overdoing it, although I am good.  But he won’t hear of it. 

I can’t mediate between their arguments, because they shout louder to drown me out as they are two powerhouses battling each other and the little diplomatic me just gets washed out. 

You can see why I feel I have no purpose, can’t you? 

I mean what I am here for?  I don’t get to do anything, just sit on my ass all day trying to be creative and trying to not to crack.  It’s lonely here and is there any wonder why suicide looks so appealing for me?

If I had a purpose, I know I wouldn’t feel this way.  But everything I could possibly have to live for has been taken from me.  It was great when I had my garden, until the bad neighbour moved in.  Now I don’t even have that anymore!

I can’t shut myself out in the garden for hours until it gets dark in all weathers just to feel needed by the plants and wildlife, because I am getting harassed and Paul hasn’t the wherewithal to defend me or say something to the guy! The garden is overgrown nearly by 3yrs now.

It’s just all one big disgusting mess here! 

Thanks for reading!

Spirit & energy

It is vitally important to always make sure you have your own personal space in your home, so you have a chance to heal and a place to make a sanctuary; it is important to fiercely guard this space and for twelve years I had to fight to find mine and it was genuinely a battle.

It has only really been two months now, since this space has been truly mine in every sense of the word; a place that I can decorate and design to my will, a place where I can relax and sleep and even sometimes write on the quiet days.

This house has a lot of negative energy running through it, which is what you can expect when you have a polluted stream running right under your house and this stream is drying up.

I have never been happy in this house, because I felt this house made me sick and it wasn’t until two years into my ill-health that Paul told me about the stream under the house; had I of known before I moved in with him, I wouldn’t have moved in with him, not in this house.

Why?

Because living on water like that is not good for a witch, or so my family has told me as there are some ancestry from Salem, the Howe’s, my ancestors were the ones who got away.  Living on water can do two things to a proper blood born witch; make you sick because it affects your energy at a consistent pace and can affect your spell crafting abilities negatively whilst overloading your instinct for fortune telling and clairvoyance.  That is of course, if you are not a sea or a water based witch, those are different.  Yes my Chinese astrological element is water, but this is not a good place for me to live.  I can live by water, as long as I am not on top of it and as long as it is not constantly flowing beneath me.

This is a shame because I have always liked the idea of long holidays on barges and cruises, I know for a fact I used to love going rowing in the summer with my dad and cousins and I don’t suffer from seasickness.

I am a non-practising witch these days, I only do crystal healing, fortune readings, clairvoyant stuff and I still feed the faeries and the house spirits, hug trees and that sort of thing – but I don’t actively do spells anymore, as I believe it negatively affects the balance of the universe.  I do believe however in cosmic ordering and that the cosmos knows how to balance things better than we do, in my opinion, cosmic ordering or wish-craft is far superior to witchcraft.  It’s gentler, it’s balanced and it is not forcing anything and you build a relationship with the source that is deep and loving and protective and always knows best!

Since gaining my new space and doing my little cleansing rituals and a little bit of Feng Shui (only a little) I have noticed something about my particular space that I have never felt whilst living in this house and that is a lightness, a clean energy, a vibrancy developing here.

The other members of my household, Paul and Henry have noticed this energy too and try to spend more time in my space than their own, but I quickly rush them out after twenty minutes, because this is my space and I can’t lose it again.

I am relying a lot on crystal energy for this space.  I do a cleansing ritual every time someone comes into my space with anything negative; it’s become almost an obsession.  But you have no idea how quickly the energy darkens and becomes depressive if I am not consistently on top of it.

All I do is use my quartz crystal to make a protective star in the room, circle me thrice and if necessary open the window for half an hour.

This is my bedroom and it is not shared by anyone, this is my space and I love it.

My room has become known in the family as the rainbow room, because my crystals make about fifty little prisms all over the walls when they are poked to swing in the window and when those rainbows light up the room, the energy is so soothing and beautiful, I can’t get rid of anyone who comes in until they fade.

My clairvoyance and my instinctive abilities are increasing exponentially, where I am becoming unsurprised by events happening in my life now.  But I am also driven with excitement by something I can sense, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

All I know is my world is about to turn upside down and become completely unrecognisable soon, but I understand that it’s all positive and good and I will be ecstatically happy for a very long time after this event.  What this event might be?  I am unsure really, but it indicates a new person coming into my life that will just drastically change everything and heal me emotionally and help me become strong and vibrant again.

My spirits are sometimes mischievous but never harmful or toxic, whenever I ask who this person is? They laugh at me and told me, I will not be able to speak when I see them, I won’t believe it’s true and I may be tempted to run away from them when they approach me.

They also said that this person will be the best thing to ever happen in my life!

They told me that we will work together in a similar or same career, that together we will be a power couple that people will look at us as Emperor and Empress because our ideas coming together are so spectacular that the world will literally be in awe of us.  Which sounds exciting – I wondered if it is another writer or someone along those lines, Paul guesses I might fall in love with the agent I get.  Who knows?

They said that our creativity will be a huge legacy for literally generations to come!  We will not be forgotten, it’s that kind of big energy.

They also told me that my new prospective partner will be ecstatic because they knew their intuition was right about me, that they are happy that they can change into doing something they’ve been wanting to do a lot for the past few years, but circumstances have meant they had to go in another direction they weren’t as passionate in, but just generally liked a bit.

I was told he will love how playful I am, how changeable I am, how pliable I can be in most situations and ultimately he will see me as a very inspiring person and he will get on my case about not using my abilities to the best that I can.  He will be very pushy about my talents, all of them and I won’t be able to hide any from him or the world, he won’t allow it.

He will push me into the world and have a “have fun” attitude and will stick around waiting to push me back if I try to wander away from what I am supposed to be doing.

He sounds impossible, but supportive, cheeky and fun.

He will challenge me on every level to be the best that I can be for myself, he won’t let me belittle myself or make do, he will always make me strive to take better things.  Apparently there is a couple of things which will frustrate the both of us being together… for him, it is my idea of moderation and accepting less than I really want and my apparent, needless frugality.  He is apparently here to teach me how to grasp abundance, but according to my spirits, he is fighting a losing battle as I am just so naturally happy and grateful for whatever I have and I never overdo things for myself.

I overdo things for others, but it is hard for me to digest and accept doing it for myself.

He will also have a challenging time with my insecurities, but after as little as two years he would have the victory he was vying for regarding that!  This is what the spirits promised, I laughed as two years is too short a time for that!

But they are determined that he knows me more than I do!

As for my reaction to him, apparently he will know how to push all of my buttons for any reaction he desires and this will sometimes scare me, because he will challenge me a lot!  He will not do anything to harm me, or make me feel bad in anyway, but he will scare me by putting me into situations and teaching me how to cope with them and have fun, because in his opinion I have missed out a lot in life and he is determined I won’t miss out on anything else!

My lesson to him apparently is improving spiritual connection and emotional healing as well as filling the void.  Oh and apparently although he is known to be a little eccentric already by people who know him, apparently us being together will make him stand out as being even more outrageous, because we’ll do it as a couple together!  We are apparently two peas in a pod!

The spirits said we are the couple that get the most invites to places, simply because we liven things up with our presence and vibrancy.

To be perfectly honest, it has to be a dream and this can’t really happen for me.  Because in my opinion, I am past it; I am forty years old, I am not very attractive, I can’t see how all of this is going to happen in such a short space of time.  I have got myself into a homebody rut, so how am I going to meet this guy, huh?

Is he going to just turn up on my doorstep?  I don’t think so!

But OK… email me first?

Thanks for reading.

About my deafness

I think it was a 48 hour cold, though I am still a bit chesty but I am getting over it faster than I usually do – perhaps maintaining this high protein diet has helped?  I don’t know, but I do know that along with that I primarily drink water, green tea or lemonade instead of Pepsi and coffees these days.

I have been very tired and I feel as though I should sleep a lot, because I sense something is going to happen soon where I will be on my feet a lot of the time and I won’t have time to dilly dally anymore and laze around.

I haven’t a clue why my instinct is telling me, get all the sleep you can right now so you can be prepared for what’s coming!

I just hope it’s not going to be too much for me, whatever it is!

I have been bed and housebound sick for eight years now and it has only really been since Easter that I have managed to do approximately 45 minutes away from a chair at any one time.  What the blazes is coming into my life?

Whatever it is, I hope I ease into it and not get exhausted by it!

I really can’t think what it can be.

Puzzling, but my instincts are to be trusted, because I’ve ignored them in the past and I have been very sorry about it too!

But I have had this feeling about sleeping a lot for two weeks now.  But I hate sleep.

I have never been a person who loves their bed; unless there is some sort of activity going on if you get my drift?

I find it hard to sleep more than six hours unless I am unwell, simply because I am paranoid about missing out on something or not doing something I want to do.

In any case, I am glad things aren’t getting worse.  I was getting worried last night because two huge zits appeared on my face and I thought I might have had some kind of pox, monkey pox or something – but it was just the two and I seem to feel ok.  They are embarrassing though, not used to getting zits in that particular place of the face, weird!  Though upon reflection two nights ago I had an unusual amount of dairy in my diet for me – fatty foods can do that!

I am not happy about being requested to sleep more, but there you go. 

I also wanted to point out that I am deaf as many of you know – but I am not a signer.  I thought I had better put that out there as someone indicated they were worried about not being able to communicate with me offline.  I am fine, just follow these rules;

I can’t hear you if your back is turned away from me.

I can’t hear you if you cover your mouth.

I can’t hear you if you stand to my right – my right ear is completely dead and can’t have a hearing aid there.

Stand to my left and face me when you talk to me as I have a hearing aid sometimes – I don’t need it all the time as my left ear hearing fluctuates a lot due to the auto-immune inner ear problem I have.

Let me read your lips

Don’t take me to places that echo as the vibrations get distorted and I get disoriented and anxious.

You don’t need to sign for me, because I don’t understand it much.

But if I can’t wear a hearing aid because of infection in the left ear, you may need to shout or use a mini white board!

I am eligible for a hearing dog, but I don’t have one.

I can’t use a phone unless it’s very loud or on loud speaker – preferably a zoom call or something is better for me if there is no lag – for lip reading!

I rely on hearing people to take phone calls on my behalf, as a lot of places in authority and finance do not have alternatives for the deaf, yet – which is bloody disgusting!

On a positive note, when I get 10k – if I ever get 10k I can have surgery to repair my hearing in the right ear, all I need are ossicles, little bones to help vibrate sound and a new tympanic membrane.

Thanks for reading!

I was made

I was created to love you and hold you in my arms

Stroke your hair as you snuggle, whilst I fall for your charms

I was made to help you, feel like a child again

Only this time you are nurtured and I’ll help the pain to end

I was created for you, so you had someone to hold

Someone to always be there for you, someone you could mould

We’ll be like peacocks you and I and the world will be in awe

Because together you and I, we will surely soar

You need a playmate and a friend, who’ll have patience, love and care

And you will be my guardian, my big ferocious bear

You needed someone like me, to follow in your games

And be a changeling for you, nothing is ever the same

You want a docile woman, who will be like a little doe

Who tirelessly follows wherever you may go

You want a dedicated woman who will pep talk you and soar

But ultimately you want her to match you and more!

You want me to be creative; I can do that for you

You love brainstorming with me it’s your favourite thing to do

We are both like children, enthusiastic in our play

What is life going to be like tomorrow?  It won’t be like today!

I’m an undemanding woman, well, outside love and foreplay!

I hope we will be together some day?

I am an unassuming woman, I don’t want a lot

Just lots of love and snuggles and some babies in a cot

I just want a garden and a few little pets

But outside that, I just want you because with you I am set!

I can’t wait will we’re together

But I don’t think we will

Because there is something stopping you

And it makes me ill

I know I’ll die without you

If you chose not to come

Because I was made for you and that is why I’ve come

I am going to stop this poem

Because I’ve said all I can

But you need to know this one thing…

I am lost without my man!

Tight Spot

I beg to know who it is

That sees me every night

They talk to me everyday

With their second sight

I need to know who it is

That wished me into life

It pains me to be apart from them

It hurts me like a knife

They need to do so much

To prepare for me

But I am ready for them, whoever they may be

They tell me they’re not ready

They have lots of things to do

But who and where they are

I have little clues

But it can’t be he that I see

Because it’s very strange

I sometimes wonder if it’s real

Or if I am deranged

Because who I see is magnificent

A wonder true and through

Surely you are not this person?

Surely it’s not true?

My spirits have told me

I am on the right track

But I don’t believe them

I feel like a wack!

But if you are this person

Then I understand

That maybe you will never become my man

Because life is very difficult for you right now

You’re a big ship; it’s not an easy sail

But I want you to know

I am here for you

Whenever you are brave enough

Call me to you

But I feel dejected

As I always thought

You would someday come to me

Like I’ve always been taught

My spirits they have promised

That for you I was made

But perhaps from your own heart, you have strayed

You’ve forgotten yourself perhaps

Only time will tell

But until you come to me, I will live in Hell

I am unassuming, I don’t want a lot

Just lots of love and snuggles and a safety spot

I know I will be a burden

For I haven’t had much love

But it isn’t really fair for me to feel pushed and shoved

Because I can feel you every time you think of me

Because I am locked to you, I am not free

I feel every thought and question

I feel you so, so well

It’s like you manifested me in some weird spell

But I do know this

If you don’t want me

From this body, my spirit shall flee

Because I am not here for anyone else

This body is nothing without you, just a cell

So make up your mind

Am I coming home or not?

Because I am lost without you

I’m in a tight spot