Everyone has little quirks or things that are unique or unusual to them, some of mine are considered outdated or just plainly weird because of the rigmarole I go through to do things – my way!
One of the best little quirks I have is that I deliberately seek out people to write to as snail mail buddies, I have relatives which still write letters rather than talk to each other on the phone and I have an old school friend which still, to this day, sends me approximately three letters a year just to help keep tabs on each other and make each other feel less lonely.
Unfortunately because we were not sure about the “Heat or eat” crisis this year, Paul and I were both very reluctant to send Christmas cards out to people as that would normally cost us £15 to £20 in postage stamps, for our lot together. So we agreed on giving out five cards to the people who contact us the most, each. Unfortunately it meant that I wasn’t a good friend and didn’t keep my friend in mind – which worried her of course, as this would have been unusual behaviour for me.
She sent me a letter which arrived on the 28th December, asking if I was OK and she was scared that I had moved away without telling her my new address, as in my last letter, I had told her Paul and I are separating.
I got so wrapped up in my worries about Christmas and not sleeping and eating very well, I forgot to give cards to my chosen five people – we did agree that we could only do five people this year each, but I totally forgot mine.
You have no idea how badly I felt about that.
My friend and I share the same name, Tina. She is a friend I made in my last ever school, I was only in that school for eight months and she is much younger than I. I was fifteen and she was eleven at the time, we became friends because I helped her against a much older bully, a bully who was a year older than me. We also became friends because her brother was in the same class as me and she found that my brother’s mother in law lived in the same apartment block as she did – so we kind of never lost touch outside of the four years we did.
But we haven’t physically seen each other in nearly twenty years; we found each other online again at friends reunited around fifteen years ago and she was particularly delighted that I was into scrapbooking and crafts and snail mail – because she is too and we made an online pact to only contact each other this way to keep snail mail tradition alive!
During Covid our letters increased to once a month approximately and when her mother died of Covid it was nearly weekly, it was a comfort for her.
I used to be big on having pen pals on a specialist website until some people started to use it like an alternate way of dating or getting free stickers and craft supplies all the time, so I stopped.
There is nothing like getting a special letter from someone you like in the post, every now and again. It feels so much more personal and fun.
It makes me feel like a Victorian lady whenever I get a letter in the post and I start writing by hand my reply as soon as I can!
There are three relatives of mine who send me letters to update me on births, marriages and deaths within the family because I am well-known in the family for being the family genealogist and they are eager for me to update the tree – which is great, I love that! But they don’t always remember to pass on birthdays or give me the surnames of new spouses that are entering the family, which can be annoying!
Last two Christmases we haven’t been able to send cards to people, because of money issues, last year was difficult because Paul was sick with the shingles and couldn’t’ get out much and the year before that money was so tight our Christmas dinner was literally spaghetti on toast compliments from the local food bank, plus we all had the flu.
So there isn’t any wonder then that I only got two Christmas cards this year, the family knows my situation but they don’t seem forgiving of it.
Next year I don’t suppose I will get any except from Tina.
When I move out from Paul’s I will get a P.O box address, to prevent weak-minded relatives updating my parents where I have gone, as they are unreliable like that.
I have updated relatives about things in my life and it always gets back to my parents because they let me know it has!
I don’t mind if my dad knows, it’s my mother I worry about! The last thing I want is for her to come knocking on my door of my new home, when she thinks I am there alone – I am not going back to her, no matter what she tries to do!
The other quirk I have is when I want to start writing towards any of my stories.
I tend to warm my brain up with one to five poems, or play for thirty minutes strategy games online to warm my brain up, then I put the music on and look at picture stimulus of various scenes or fantasy creatures to get me in the mind-set and around an hour after all of this I am in the frame of mine to gently go into the trance like state I need for writing!
Seriously, I have to do it this way – it’s the only way, I need to induce a semi-trance or my work is at best amateur!
An hour’s warm up means that you can tell when I’ve tried to write in five to fifteen minute bursts, because the writing is awful in comparison to the hour long process!
The only alternate ways to get me in the mind-set for writing are, when I immediately wake up as I am still dozy – when I am tired and dozing off – when I’ve just had a great workout routine and the music is on – or right after sex!
To be blunt!
As soon as I have been broken out of this trance like state, if it is longer than thirty seconds, it can take twenty minutes to get back into it again – which is why I become like an angry Italian housewife defending her kitchen, when I write – which can confuse some people when I deliberately pull myself out of the trance to excitedly tell them my idea because it’s so cool – for me to then get back into the flow of writing!
Which is one of the reasons why my insomnia is so bad these days – I am writing when everyone is in bed because nobody respects my writing time anymore.
I am averaging my personal bedtime at 6:30am these days, which means I am hardly getting any sunlight! Although I’ve always been semi-nocturnal, this is not an ideal lifestyle to have as I am severely missing out on social opportunities and healthful habits such as exercise outdoors and getting fresh air!
I am literally living like a creative vampire right now!
I can survive on five hours sleep, but Paul is worried I am not sleeping enough so don’t bother waking me up at 12 noon anymore, I am literally left until Henry comes home from school till 3:30pm most days – hence why I am becoming less and less active online at my usual times.
Paul gets on Henry’s case about waking me up, it really is like Paul hates having me around the house – which is another reason why I am eager to try and learn things to get me self-employed enough that I can move out. But as I said before, I can only move out and live alone if I have a dog with me, because my nerves won’t hack it otherwise!
It’s really annoying because before I became sick I was a morning person, up and lively and ready for action at 6am out of the house for a long walk by 8am, exercising and doing chores and doing anything all of the time, until I literally dropped at an average of 11:30pm.
When I got sick Paul literally suffocated me in overprotection and was constantly arguing with me to sit down, take it easy, go back to bed, he gave me and still gives me no motivation to even try to better myself or fight whatever is ailing me!
His attitude is, you are sick, stay in bed and rest until you are better, don’t read, just sleep. I am sorry but I can’t sleep my life away and all of this is driving me crazy!
This life is driving me crazy!
I am so fucking bored right now!
Sorry, but I have to stop this post as its starting to get me upset again!
Thanks for reading and I apologise for the swearing!
I have now got into the habit of checking all my emails daily, please feel free to message me. But although I do so daily, remember I am on GMT time and I tend to look at emails around 2pm to Midnight as this is the time I am most likely to be writing and I check once sometime twice a day!
My emails are;
TheTardyCreative@gmail.com
ImWrite4U@post.com
I prefer Gmail as it gives me the option of live chatting with people if they want that.
I am also on many social media accounts, I only check Universeodon and Twitter daily, the others around three times a week.
@CreativeTardy on Twitter – I no longer use @FantasyFed and should really delete that.
TardyCreative on Instagram
@thetardycreative on Pinterest
@TardyCreative on Universeodon
Paul is allowing me to let me tell you his email address, because some people have been very worried about my health and wish to receive updates if I have been quiet for awhile. Paul can be contacted at PaullGamble@gmail.com
Please note Paul is unreliable in updating me about messages he gets for me and he doesn’t like receiving anything these days as we are separating.
I don’t ask for much, but it seems like I ask for the world
A hot dinner eaten cold, sitting alone at a table because you no longer form part of this little unit anymore
They are making it blatantly obvious you aren’t wanted
Being consulted about nothing, only little shots here and there for an update, if I’m lucky
Conversation is too difficult for them, they don’t even try anymore
Yawn, looking forlorn, worn and tired of hearing you, even if you are friendly and chipper!
Good to know they find you so boring, good to know they are there to comfort you and it is good to know they aren’t spreading their toxicity to the child you share
Sarcasm comes easy these days
Teamwork is dead and gone
But I am told I am wrong, it’s not like that, I am just tired and I think I have a chill
But it’s been like that for weeks
Merry Christmas is just an ordinary day
Nothing changes, most things forgotten like candy canes, pigs in blankets, meat in the stuffing and old family rituals
Nobody cares anymore
Nothing is important
Everyone has given up
But I still try to keep things normal until I leave
But nobody else wants to
Yet I am not leaving because I want to, I am leaving because I am unwanted
Though he learned his mistake when my replacement turned out to be a fake
Hastiness is punishing him still
I have months of a life like this before I can go
Lots of the old shit I have to clean up before I can be free from this toxic environment
I can’t just up and leave, I have things to do first – pay the debts I suffered due to broken promises
Trying to keep this family together, warm, cool, clothed all on credit
I have to work on my health too, get myself fit for the only work I can do which will guarantee payment for me – trolley dolly; I am too deaf for telephone work now and too stupid for other things
This is why I am trying to let my creativity and daydreams pay my way through life soon
I never wanted to be alone
Never
But life is making me walk the lonely path
Doing everything alone
Like Rambo a lone soldier, battling the world against the odds and never getting love or comfort
That is too much to ask for it seems
Though don’t pity me, I suppose my lack of tolerance for the past is punishing me somehow
They were tests I failed and this is the booby prize for not living up to lower standards
I should have tolerated the abuse, at least I wouldn’t be alone
At least I could feign some kind of happy families now and again
Instead of living in a cesspit of toxicity and loneliness, with bitter people who don’t even try
Should have tolerated being their money pig and Tina the tea maker
Do this and that and cry yourself to sleep at night because you can’t get away and you can’t choose to be yourself, be an individual, that’s not allowed
But hey, go and cry with the people we let you talk to from time to time, they might cuddle you if you are lucky and they are sucker enough
Those times were better than now and it is a horrifying revelation
Things were fine before I got sick
I did it all
Living with an overprotective father figure who wouldn’t let me try and fight my ailments by allowing me to continue running the family
Go back to bed – slow down – go to sleep – just stop…
Stop…
So I stopped… for years I got worse
I tried every now and again to do things but it was always the same pattern
Slow down…. Go to bed… go to sleep… just stop…
Is there any wonder I wanted to stop completely?
I snuck exercises in when he wasn’t looking and was out of the house
Convinced I could turn things around and guess what?
I could
Just a little, but that little was a lot!
The resentment for my successes were in his eyes but not on his tongue
Feigning pride for me, but he looked hurt I was trying
Looked hurt that he might not be needed anymore
And in less than three months of my change, he was looking for someone new
Are you a mum who plays foosball with your son and it sets off your old carpal tunnel problem again?
No?
You’re lucky, I envy you!
I unfortunately I am such a mum!
I am sulking and I want to play foosball and I want to play it now! Well, maybe not right now as it’s like 3:30am I am writing this and my son is in bed asleep… got to be reasonable don’t I?
Unfortunately the Christmas junk food has rattled my brain and I have no idea what to write for today’s post so I thought of the first thing that came into my head!
Now for the second thing that came into my head – this high protein diet is making my hair and nails grow faster than normal, in literally only six days my nails has grown as much as they would in three weeks! It’s so weird… I am not used to it, I am literally scratching my body to pieces as I am not used to it and typing is becoming fun and slippy…
I have gone through bouts of growing my nails before in the past, but it takes weeks, shocked they are this long and it’s been days!
I hope I don’t have a bout of anxiety, or they will go… though I am biting less and less these days since I have discovered a healthy obsession for solitaire card games and practising tarot.
Henry wants me to start painting them as they are nice and long-ish for me, but I won’t because I don’t like it. I prefer the French manicure look, personally, unfortunately I haven’t a clue whether those cuticles should be left alone or not. I believe they should be, as it is painful to do what my mother always taught me to, pushing them back after a soak in the bath and my skin is so sensitive the skin often splits under the pressure!
I am happy to say that my hair growth is getting better again too, the alopecia is almost growing out, unfortunately it makes me look a bit untamed in one area, but there is no bald patch anymore or fuzz, in fact there is now four inches of growth there – but as the rest of my hair is past shoulder length, it is noticeable a little and can stick up like an aerial or something if I don’t wax it down.
Today I wanted to post a pic of myself on Instagram but I refrained because I forgot how swollen I am because I was gifted chocolate that contained soy as a Christmas present and that means I am a whole dress size bigger with the swelling it causes. I am half thinking about either suffering it till it’s all gone as I love that chocolate, or just be grown up and give it to my son instead, so the swelling goes down again in three days?
My face swells making me look about fifty pounds heavier than I actually am whenever I eat soy or mustard, as well as my spleen and abdomen, it’s weird how it can happen in such a short space of time. There are times I absent-mindedly eat soy and the effects work within ten minutes and by thirty minutes I have to change out of my clothes because it all cuts into me and sometimes actually makes me bleed if I ignore it too long!
It’s like I’ve turned into a hulk woman or something… only less green…. Though saying that, sometimes I physically become sick over it all!
I have strict and painful rules from January, if I know there is soy or mustard in something I am not going to have it anymore, not even as a one off and that’s going to be so hard for me!
I love Heinz salad cream, I love Dijon mustard with sausages, I love Chinese food, I love nutty chocolates like Peanut M+Ms and Ferrero Roche and Nutella, oh my goodness do I have an absolute passion for Nutella!
I want a food scientist to make Dijon mustard without mustard…
I want Nutella without soy and Heinz Salad cream without mustard but taste authentically the same!
I feel a near Verruca Salt type tantrum coming on in fact…
“Don’t care how, I want it now”!
Trying to remind myself it is probably healthier this way, but it’s no comfort!
My idea of comfort is eating roast potatoes with ham, boiled egg and cheddar cheese with a hugely packed salad and doused in a tablespoon of Heinz Salad Cream, that’s comfort.
Or eating ham salad crusty rolls with the salad cream as a favorited lunch!
Comfort is also crispy crepes covered in Nutella and turned into a wrap with more Nutella on the top and a sprinkling of sliced almonds, icing sugar snow and whipped cream on the side.
Or trying to catch peanut M+Ms with your mouth annoying anyone sitting near you with being pelleted by the failures!
I haven’t done that in years…
It is also fudge and donuts too… yes for some weird reason they have soy in them as well!
Did I mention the washing machine broke down a few days before Christmas? We’re having to wash the clothes by hand like old Victorian washer women for about a month, as we can’t get one delivered until around the 17th January and that’s being bought on credit.
Such fun…
Paul confused me the other day, so I spent more than we could afford on non-credited gifts for Henry as he wasn’t clear, which made us slightly overdrawn – Paul doesn’t take responsibility for that, totally blames me, but he was the one who wasn’t clear. He was the one that made it sound like two things were already paid but in fact it was only one! Coincidentally this has meant that for two weeks I have no personal allowance, until the overdraft is paid back – which means my business plan on WordPress is delayed in the next payment and my gym membership has to be delayed by a month too.
Something similar happened once before a few years back, just as I planned to be constructive with our finances… my mother was the same, I am wondering if it’s not at all accidental if you get me?
That’s the thing with me, you talk in numbers I am easily muddled so you have to be clear with me, if you give me several numbers I get confused so it’s easy to mess with my head and make me feel like a fool and give me any old gibberish you like to be in the clear of any faults – it’s easy to take advantage of someone who isn’t very smart!
I think the delay is part of Paul being worried I am trying to knock weight off and find my inner vanity again, because I’d like to start dating around Easter time, maybe sooner if someone asks. Because I was told that I could potentially achieve my weight loss goal a month earlier than I thought with gymophobics if I maintained my protein diet as well.
I am joining the gym because I need support learning how to slim and tone down my upper arms because they are stubborn and I tend to bulk too much there, so I want to know what I am doing wrong! I don’t want 15 inch biceps, you know? No matter how tones they are! Well mine aren’t just saying…
I tried non weighted exercises at home with videos from YouTube, but still I am bulking – I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope I am not genetically made to look like a female boxer! To be honest, though I haven’t exercised since the end of the first week of December because of a chest infection, but I am getting better!
I already have what my grandmother referred to as hockey legs; don’t want boxer arms to go with that!
Though to be fair I’d rather be a muscular healthy woman than a big lardy one like I am now!
Because if I wear my scruffs, a thick woolly sweater and jeans and someone calls me fat in McDonalds I can do what I used to do in my early twenties, take the sweater off and fold it up looking at them in the eye, in my camisole and see them go white with how toned I am. They soon apologise and try to explain themselves usually self detrimentally!
I used to do weight lifting in my early twenties – but as I said, I don’t want to be bulky now. Back then I wanted to be like the pro-wrestler Chyna! She was my pin up idol, amongst Diana Dors, Kathleen Turner, Glen Close and Reggie Bennett… in fact my body is a little like the latter at the moment lol!
Just a little less toned and my waist is actually narrower or as Paul would say, more defined!
Seriously it’s just eight months of hard work that’s all I need for my idea of a perfect body!
Shame about my face and remember, the dentist hasn’t got back to me about those braces I wanted, because I have a tooth missing and there is a half gap, because it was a sticky out tooth that got damaged to its root. The braces will just close the gap after six months and my teeth are pretty much ok then.
I need to professionally dye my hair too as I am going white lol, it’s a trait in my family; we tend to be pure white by fifty!
Or do I embrace the natural change and pretend to be natural platinum eventually? Lol Because it really looks like I am going to be snow white all over, not the horrible grey some people go.
I used to have snow white platinum hair from baby to around six of seven years old, then for some reason I became brunette!
I was nicknamed The Angel of Burnt Oak and won local pageants and things.
I have a bit of a Barbiecore leaning, so perhaps I should wear it with pride? Don’t know!
With what I regard my waist being my best feature as well as my eyes and lips, I think I could eventually tone myself to be a nice Barbie doll, alright forget the age thing… I am sure I could manage it… lol… I am going to try!
Stupid probably… but… I’ll try!
Probably over optimistic, but I won’t know unless I try!
I have green eyes which makes me more special than Barbie as they are rarer!
I am going to be doing short posts between now and the 2nd January, sorry about that.
Have a lovely Christmas everyone or Hanukkah or both, if you are like me and raised in a multi-faith family – though I’ve never experienced a proper Hanukkah, only had some food from relatives occasionally from the occasion. Because mum shyed away from it a lot.
I think the most memorable food I remember getting from a Jewish relative this time of year was salted potato skins made very crispy, loved them! Also butter cookies with apple, pear and fig chutney, which seems to be a family staple on that side too for both occasions as well as copious amounts of toffee!
tardycreative.com 
