Twitter last straw

I am getting tired of the unpredictability of Twitter these days; I dislike how things seem to be insecure there – DMs being deleted before they can be read, friends being forcibly removed as followers and having to refollow me time and again.

My circles and lists are being deleted and added at random – lots of things I don’t feel happy about and it all started with a conversation from a certain person on there around early December – a person who was rejected fiercely by me.

They tried to follow me on other social media accounts but I blocked them.

I tried to block them on Twitter but they somehow got unblocked again – I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all!

I don’t find Twitter secure at all – I don’t think peoples private conversations are private anymore either – this is highly disturbing!

I have to leave the platform and I am deleting it on the 5^th of February – I believe it’s unsafe for anyone to share any secrets on Twitter even in private nowadays because of this.  It’s UNSAFE – get off there if you truly value your privacy and don’t talk about anything you don’t want getting out with people.

I am closing it on the 5^th because I believe someone could contact me between now and then and I know they are busy right now – but really I wished they would try and contact me on some other medium.

Please check out my EMAIL ME page on this blog, there are lots of options for you.

Thanks for reading!

blue and blue and brown and green

Between the blue and the blue you live

Upon the green and brown

The things you can’t see keep you alive and well and sound

Upon the green and brown it’s dry though moisture is in the air

Moisture is everywhere you know

But do you really care?

Some people they are bright and yellow and sometimes they give off sparks

Others like me and grey and mellow and are jealous of their larks

Though abstract these thoughts might be

Do you really follow me?

For I see things in simple ways

Though it is not for every gaze

Heed me well and you will see

What is it I say to thee

What is the blue and blue?

What is the brown and green?

If I was to give a spoiler that would be very mean

Hand to Earth

The daffodils are deafening in the spring

The blackbirds sing their chorus on the wing

The trees strum their roots in time

Whilst the bumblebee hums their rhyme

Though you hear it not, mortal men and foe

For you are away from nature and cause it woe

You drown the fishes in your decay

You choke the air as you ride away

You do not see what you have done

You only blame the heat of the sun

You can’t feel responsible for all this pain

You only think of what you gain

What gold lines your pockets well

What will make your stomach swell

And though you have what you feel is good

You haven’t really thought and stood

Beside nature hand to Earth

And realise all that it is worth

Anchoress

My tears will oust the flames of Hell

For all those people who there dwell

I’m an anchoress for all you see

My tears will heal and set you free

My love burns fiercer than the fire

My love is pure and without desire

I will heal your aching hearts

The power of God is off the charts

For I know one thing is true

I know every one of you

And here my tears will wash away your pain

So that you are free again

And into heaven you will fly

This is why I pray and cry

Daily posts

I am probably going back to one blog post per day soon, unsure as of yet. I am struggling to do more and struggling with writing purely for the blog daily and I don’t want to break my streak as it is approaching nearly three hundred days unbroken postings.

There is a lot of negative stuff going on in my life right now and I am trying to maintain writing, reading, learning and keeping my shit together all at once and I am near to burn out – in fact, so much so, I am super sleepy lately and if I just sit back and rest for a moment I literally fall asleep and lose forty five minutes.

That’s how exhausted I am getting.

With this being said, I am struggling to exercise since a couple of weeks before Christmas, so my weight loss has slowed down. I am still attempting to lose weight, but I am just too tired to do the exercise right now.

I am really struggling on so many levels to keep my head above water emotionally.

I am trying to keep my shit together for Henry because his dad has now announced he too, is in a similar place mentally.
This is not something I need to hear on top of everything.

But I am trying to be as supportive as possible even though we are still definitely separating.

It is hard to keep a balance, especially as there are no emotional outlets, no emotional support anywhere for me – not even within the household now.

It’s getting very dense in here.

Also I some how managed to run my finger over with my desk so its a little inflamed.

Thank you for reading and hopefully understanding?

About my poetry

This post is not about bragging.

But to those who will read it, no doubt you will have your suspicions that it is a sort of act of boasting.

However, it should be said.

No poem on this blog has ever been revised or made into second drafts etc. and no poem in this blog was pained over for hours on end.

There, said it.

Most of my poems are done in less than twenty five minutes, first draft, scheduled or published online immediately without a second thought and I can only recite one poem I have ever written.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

It’s one of those reasons why I am not a member of any poetic clubs; I am not welcomed because I can push out three to five poems an hour without aching over the words I should produce.

It just naturally flows.

I was astounded to find some poets online take weeks to finish a piece, I personally couldn’t do that and I think it goes to show who is more dedicated to their craft.  They are – I wouldn’t faff around like that over one poem.

I live for the current emotion, it is the current emotions that drive the poetry I don’t want to hang on most of those emotions for weeks on end, good Lord I really would commit suicide if that was the case and at the moment I am only tiptoeing at the edge of it.

It took me about an hour and a half to write one poem once, the longest ever.

I do delete poems never to share them, this happens about twice a week, so you’re losing around a hundred to a hundred and fifty per year, because I am embarrassed to share the depths of my emotions at times.

Sometimes I preschedule poems for months in advance whilst I think about deleting them – at the moment there are seven whose future is as obscure as mine.

Nobody believes I can write that fast until they see me in action, offline. 

Then they accuse me of boasting.

But they did challenge me!

I will sit there and ask them, pick a subject and I will think about it for two or three minutes, to get my mind into the zone of that subject and how I feel about it and then the words pour out and the poem is done within minutes.

I can write a poem about anything, so long as it doesn’t feel like a lie to my heart.  For example, I couldn’t write a poem which is supposed to be a love song for Hitler – I hate fascists!

So that’s not a poem I could write.

But I could write one about cutting his balls off and feeding them to him, no matter how disgraceful that would be and inelegant.

That’s not an invitation for requests by the way!

I find it hard to write more than three poems a day, though I have been known to do up to ten.

I try to force myself to do at least one per day, if I live to a hundred imagine a future publication of all my poetic works, how many volumes could that possibly be?

Thing is, I haven’t a clue what I am doing poetically.

I have never been formally educated about it, I can’t tell a poem from a rhyme to a sonnet etc. – for all I know they could be the same thing but fancy names!

I do know what a haiku is though and I used to write them.

In fact talking of sonnets, I have been seriously thinking about reading a book to learn about those.

One of my dreams is to be patient enough with my poetry that I could actually write a poem as long as Shakespeare, Christina Rossetti and Edmund Spenser.

I have often thought about creating a large poem which is a story like Edmund Spenser’s Fairy Queen – that would be amazing if I could do something like that.

That would take me months, could I do it on an emotional level? 

I have often thought about challenging myself to do it!

I originally wrote the first chapter of a fantasy story in rhyme, with that very intention; but I couldn’t hold it throughout the story – it’s still in progress after nine years, but I haven’t added a thing to the project since 2015.

It’s about gargoyles protecting the heart of a young maiden who lives in the house they protect.

It’s a dark fantasy and very macabre, it’s sort of like Edgar Allen Poe meets Hans Christian Andersen.

I have a couple of online friends who have made the suggestion that I should go on stage and read my poems out there, but I won’t do that.

Why?

Because hilariously as it sounds, I don’t actually regard myself a poet yet!

Yet this is probably what I am best known for.

At the moment I am having a very poetic night – I am thinking about poetry a lot and I am frustrated that a book I have ordered from EBay is two weeks late in the post and I had to put in a complaint about it.

I want to finish the book and do the essays in it to learn what I am doing.  Unfortunately the library is fed up with me re-borrowing that book, I’ve had it a total nine weeks this last borrowing session and it’s the second time in a year I did that, having it for about eighteen weeks in total for the whole year!

I wish it would come soon!

It’s where some of my poems I’ve posted on here has been inspired by, such as “Grief”, “Brent Cross Shopping Centre” and “Lessons from life”.

Anyway, if that’s bragging I apologise!

Thanks for reading…

Snake in a tree

I am watched by a snake

He stalks me night and day

Watching from his tree

In the branches near where I play

He keeps on following me, everywhere, every way

Even in my dreams I cannot escape

He talks to my mind

I hear him quite clear

He tells me soon, that he’ll be near

But why does he want me?

This sly and cunning snake

Where will he take me? 

What thirst will I slake?

He tells me soon but also not yet

Why does he toy with me?

What plan has he set?

I am just a little dog

Who play by his tree

What is it that he wants?

Why does he want me?

I do not know

But I am scared

Because I feel stalked, will I be ensnared?

Is he a hunter and am I his prey?

How will the story end and in what way?

Is he a nice snake, or is he bad?

When I find out, I shall be glad

Because I feel strange being stalked by a snake

As I sit chewing toys right here by the lake

Why does he watch me?

And why does he say…

That soon he will come and take me away?

Away to where? 

Death and doom?

Or does he love me?  Will I know soon?

Oh clever snake, how appealing you are

But I can’t help but think

This is all bizarre

Do I trust that you will care

That you will love me, do you swear?

Or will I get bitten, like I have before

By other snakes who have bitten my paw?

I don’t know, but I like you a lot

But I don’t know if I can trust you or not

I’m a little dog, a puppy really

So to go with a snake, could be silly…

How will I know if I am safe with you?

Will you eat me? I have no clue!

But smiling happy snake, believe you me

I wish you would love and cherish me

I wish you’d wrap around me so

But then my life could up and go

Oh funny snake

It’s a puzzle really

Why you say, that you love me

Or are you just charming this little pup

So that you can feast upon her flesh and eat her all up?

Oh little snake, how I wish I knew

But I should go indoors now, before you chew

Though silly snake, I wish you were true

But for now I don’t know, I have no clue

Bye funny snake, I wish you well

But I have to go, before I fall under your spell

Should I let go?

I’m on the edge of the world

Wil I fall?

I am holding onto life

Like a fool

I should just let go and let fate know

I can’t take much more!

I am bored of monotony

Everyone has forgotten me

There is no leverage to keep me going

In this lake of tears I keep rowing

Like a seamstress I keep sewing, a new life for me

But then things happen like tragedy

Like a wheel turning around and it’s trapped me

Like a hamster in its wheel going around and around

Like a dog trapped in a cage within a pound

All these words are exhausting me

I should let go

What exactly is holding me to want to stay?

There is no play

I have totally and utterly lost my way

And dribbling words upon this page

Like some demented poetic sage

Writing this inside her cage

Locked inside dreams that won’t come true

Wondering what the blazes to do

Just let go or live some more

Maybe someone will knock on the door

And I will leave this solemn place

And maybe find again my pride and grace?

Until then I am hanging off this cliff, wondering…

Should I let go?

Fear

I am exhausted by your fears

I feel them as deep as my own

There is nothing to worry about

Courage you should hone

I won’t bite your head off

Or throw away your dreams

Fear makes everything, not what it seems!

Don’t trust the fear that is deep within your heart

Fear is only there, to keep you in the dark!

Fandoms? More like Fangdoms!

Here is the subject of fandoms.

I have been asked in social media a few times over the past few weeks about why (other than horror and vampires) my fandoms are not more widely shared and why I haven’t narrowed them down to specifics?

I haven’t the clue to be honest.

But it’s an interesting thing to think about sharing. 

I think I have made it clear in some of them, but there are a few which I think would even surprise some of my most dedicated followers here.

I think almost everybody knows by now that I have a huge passion for Alice in Wonderland and Alice through the looking glass books and anything pertaining to it, their adaptions and generally collecting stuff that has the characters on them?

This is because I have a huge passion for nonsense, nonsense rhymes, absurdism and surrealism and therefore this also means that I like those kinds of art, I also like abstract art and impressionism.

Another widely known fandom I love is The Wizard of OZ and the whole series of fourteen books and the adaptions of those too. 

I like Peter Pan and all their adaptions too.

But I like other things too, not just fandoms pertaining to classical literature, because I am also a fan of Charles Dickens, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and The Bronte sisters and their adaptions.

Everybody knows I have a passion for vampires, I love the vampire diaries but I am also mad keen on Vampire the Masquerade since a friend introduced me to them fifteen years ago because they felt I was copying them – which I couldn’t have been because I knew nothing about them before they told me!

Actually there was a lot of similarities that I had to rehash a huge amount of work for, because I too, was afraid of the coincidences.  This had meant that literally after I learned about Vampire the masquerade I had to totally re-edit about thirty whole books I had finished and stashed, waiting for the time I found my courage to send them off.  Luckily I didn’t, is all I can say!

Since finding them on YouTube two years back, I have been trying to watch Vampire the Masquerade L.A by Night and its so much fun! 

I’d totally love to be on that show!

I have only got through season 1 episode 10 so far, that’s an epilogue, so I have to finish the epilogues before I move onto season 2; I’ll get there eventually!

I also love Anne Rice, naturally.

Another fandom I like has been The Sandman Comics from Neil Gaiman.

I also like mafia movies and series such as The Sopranos.

I am a huge fan of Stephen King and have been since I was a kid; I started horror young, thanks to my grandma!

I also love anything to do with the Froud family, their puppets, their artworks I absolutely adore their works!

I love the muppets too and sesame street! I love puppets, but I am scared of certain types like the traditional ventriloquist wooden dummies and Pinocchio, Pinocchio freaks me out!

I’m huge keen on Queen, the rock band I got into them with another one of my big fandoms “The Highlander” movies, TV series and books!

I am also a huge fan of Batman, have been since I was 5yrs old and all their villains.

I like the original Star Trek too – one of my exes is such a big trekkie he is actually a famous lifestyle Klingon these days – seriously, he speaks fluent Klingon and works day in and day out purely entertaining his hobby with other fans, it’s his day job!  I am not such a huge fan to do that myself – but hey Star Trek is pretty cool!  I never missed an episode growing up!

I also love anything to do with the Lord of the Rings.

Both Henry and I are huge Lady Gaga fans as well or little monsters!

I personally love Monty Python and Mr Bean too.

I will never grow up either, so I love Trolls and Winnie the Pooh and I still collect things to do with them!

I also love musical theatre and operas as well, so I have quite a few passions for some of those – such as Phantom of the Opera, Cats, Witches of Eastwick, Carmina Burana, various Shakespeare plays too.

I am mad keen on anything to do with circuses, fairs and carnivals and I have a huge passion for masquerades!  With this being said, I love Pierrot, jesters, harlequins and these days clowns too – I used to be terrified of clowns and now I love them – go figure!   

I love anything pertaining to the occult as well, I do a lot of research in that and love learning new things about superstitions and other stuff – usually because I write horror and love horror.

I am also involved with several horror fandoms, mostly pertaining to Stephen King but I do like other stuff too, things from Susan Hill, Edgar Allen Poe and Max Brooks.

I like anything to do with fairyland and gnomes and things like that as well.

So I would say my fandoms are broad, I do spread myself thinly – but I am mostly just horror, vampires, batman, absurdism and that sort of thing.

I would also include dogs but do they count?  I think they do!  Also goats and guinea pigs, but hey there you go!  People don’t acknowledge those as fandoms!  LOL

I love Rome Total War and Warhammer games too, but I am too poor to enjoy them when they are new out and that sucks!

I like war games and anything to do with strategy – I also love learning about ancient warfare.

I also love Victorian or regency dramas.

I really love Discworld too!  Terry Pratchett is amazing!

I liked, but didn’t want the whole thing – Once Upon A Time a TV series, that was cool too – just didn’t have the time to see all of it and then the DVD player broke down halfway through the box-set in fact right at the part they first met Captain Hook!

So sucky – I loved it and I want to know what happens – but NO SPOILERS PLEASE!

So, yes that’s me in fandoms… I wouldn’t say I am hard-core in much except vampires and Alice in Wonderland though.

Thanks for reading!