Losing the fight

One thing about me is I am good at not showing negative emotions.  Online it seems like I am a drama queen that I am suckered into my emotions and I go to dark places and I seem self-absorbed. 

Offline however, I hide it.  I hide myself when I am down so I don’t bring down others I am around.

I am an empath; I soak up energies of other people, even just by thinking about them I can kind of get a feel what’s going on in their lives.  So I respect that other people might be empathic too.

It’s a real hard adjustment living with someone who is as apathetic in life as I am; it’s like a prison of despair in a very real sense.

I never used to be like this.  I am trapped in depression because I am around apathetic or superficial people, or people who just seem unemotional a lot of the time.

I used to be such a happy Pollyanna type; those days seem very far away right now. 

I am getting to the point I am losing my strength to fight it and carry on, I am getting into a hopeless place.

Gradually over the months I’ve lost more and more of my appetite, to the extent I think soon I will not even bother to try and eat.  I have only just realised today that it’s actually probably due to depression that I can’t eat, because on the days I have been able to eat a little more, things have been a little lighter around me.

I am doing less and less as time goes by, it’s like I am a clockwork doll which is about to lose her energy at any moment and there is no one left to wind me up again.  Isolation has done that to me, isolation and a lazy superficial person I live with.

I needed Samaritans today, but I am deaf, I can’t speak on the phone – they don’t do text speech yet in my area apparently, but it’s coming soon…

Will it come soon enough?

I try to hide when I cry, I don’t like people seeing me like that, imagine how awkward it was for me when Henry walked in on me because I lost track of time and he came home from school and rushed to my bedroom to give me one of his ever increasingly rare hello hugs and instantly his smile became a face of concern. 

Guilt, that’s what hit me when I saw his face, cold hard guilt.

I had my hoodie up and I shielded my eyes but he is a smart boy, he wasn’t convinced when I faked a cold.

He demanded to know what caused it and hugged me as he became firm about getting to the bottom of it.

He left eventually. 

What bothers me is not that he caught me, but that his father came into the room just ten minutes before completely unfazed by how he found me.  He never asked any questions other than when I wanted dinner and was eager to leave again without battering an eyelid.  When Paul left, I got worse, because one of the reasons why I was upset was because I felt lonely and I felt no one could care if I were to die tomorrow.

To me, this proved it.

No one but Henry would.

Perhaps I am selfish, perhaps I am a drama queen – perhaps tomorrow I will snap out of it?

Perhaps!

But right now, I am losing heart to try anymore. 

I am tired of broken dreams, broken promises, and snapshots of a better future without any proof or real taste of it.  I am tired of the lies; I am tired of people using me as a pawn in a game.

I am tired. 

Thanks for reading…

My heart My Mind

My heart is like a raven, driven to lunacy

Tearing at its own fibres, because of the wrought words that were thrown at it by cruel tongues

Killing itself as it pulls itself to pieces

Getting ever blacker as its beat slows down to its death

Till its last breath

And then it dies

My mind is like a salted slug contorted with pain, driven insane

Clenching to itself as it aches for loving words

It feels so cursed by its suppressers

Unable to express their desires, fraught with anxiety

Bitten by society and their lies

Then it too dies

Me, smart?

I have never had much confidence in my abilities, let alone my abilities to understand things.  My mother and other people from my past has always tried to make me doubt what I know, or what I think I know by suggesting that maybe I am more naïve than I realise?

That things are not how I see them.

Yet, since coming away from my mother and her influence, very slowly over the years I have realised who the naïve one was.

It has only really been in the past year or so that I have seen myself in a new light, as well as her.

I used to think my mother was so worldly, courageous and was very smart if not cunning.  How wrong I was.

As I am growing away from her, I have realised how frightened she was, how vulnerable, how sheltered and very naïve she was, to the extent she was a danger to both herself and me.

I still don’t have much confidence in my abilities and it has only really been for about eighteen months now I have become very vocal (for me) on social media about what I think and feel about things and I have realised from other people, that I happen to be very switched on and smart. 

Something that fills me with disbelief… me?  Switched on and smart?  That doesn’t feel right – I am not smart, what was it about what I have said that was smart?

Recently I had another surprise, another thing I push against for not being my reality, not being a truth that I recognised anyhow.

That is, that I am an influencer.

This made me laugh or rather LOL when I was told this on Twitter a few weeks back.

“Me?  An influencer? How?”

It was a genuine question.

The fact that I have a blog that has existed for a while now and that I have over a thousand followers constitutes the fact that I am doing quite well as an online influencer apparently. 

I was dumbstruck.

The person who told me this was even more dumbstruck as I was, that I didn’t even realise that I was one.

My immediate reaction was “but I haven’t set the YouTube channel up yet, to be any kind of influencer, it’s just me and my crappy blog”.

They were astounded I felt that way about my work – work of which I didn’t see as true work at all by the way!

They told me I have to take myself more seriously.

The conversation ended, I hadn’t entirely absorbed that conversation until now.  It still, surprises me and then I sit back in confusion as to how I didn’t realise it in the first place and how naive and stupid I really am.

But then again, another person told me, that no – you are not naïve and stupid, you are just not educated about it all that’s all.

You took yourself for granted and now you know what you are, you can improve your brand.

But I am not a brand yet am I?

Apparently I am.

I’m not selling anything though.

But apparently this was hilarious and I am still confused as to what I am missing exactly?

I have a book from the library (that’s not new and I have multiple books from the library all the time) but this one is specific, based on those conversations – it’s called “Break the internet” by Olivia Yallop.

I don’t intend to break anything, but I want to see what is in this book to see what I have done unconsciously right and how to improve myself to reach a wider audience. 

To say that so far I have blunder busted my way through blogging and influencing is an understatement, I am a true airhead who hasn’t the slightest idea what she’s doing nor what she’s done – but apparently it’s all good so – meh!  *Insert Italian style shrug here*.

I worry that when I start knowing what I am doing, I will become boring and lose followers, lol.

Maybe that’s why you are all here; I am a true mix of tragedy and comedy all rolled into one – what will the silly bitch get up to next, eh?

What? indeed!

Thanks for reading!

More Tardy

I have another blog where you can get to know me on a more personal level, my likes and dislikes and hobbies and other things in more depths. It is just me and a bit more of a diary or list more than anything.

I will talk about hopes and dreams and previous transitions and all sorts.

The latest thing I have spoken about is my diet compared to now and if money were no object.

https://moretardy.blogspot.com/2023/02/having-diet-you-want-especially-healthy.html

Diary of a damned rat

My post “Damned Rat” is a diary entry.

That’s how my day went yesterday.

We’ve got a damned rat, in fact everyone in our terrace block has; it’s a new thing – we never had rats before.  They came to live with us because our neighbour at the bottom of the block has chickens in their garden and they store hay, flour and grains in their attic.

It wouldn’t be so bad, but considering four out of ten rooms of our house is pack rats haven its murder trying to find the rat – or rather it is difficult to find the rat to murder it.

The rat situation has kept me up until 7am because I can sense Paul’s fear in the other room. 

I managed to sleep, only for an hour later to be woken up with a panicking shouting Paul about how the rat has eaten its way through our main water pipe and there is a flood in our kitchen and how this could potentially put us in debt by £500 again.  Thankfully it was a false alarm, the rat didn’t do it – it was innocent, or as innocent as a rat can be that is.

I was like a zombie, I tried to go back to sleep when Paul took Henry to town to buy guillotine traps as an act of vengeance for the succulent plants I had, which the rat destroyed in its attempt of a feast.

I nurtured them from cuttings for years.

Cyril is our lemon tree, which will be next no doubt, it’s the only vegetation in the house that the rat could eat next, we can’t move it, and he is in a 50 litre pot and is around 4ft tall.

I don’t think we will laugh about this tomorrow, personally.

So yes, that prose was more or less biographical.

Thanks for reading.

Sugar bites

I’m a sugary delight with a fatal bite
You don’t want to mess with me
All sweet like syrup, I can bring you to your knees
A little lick could be like paradise
But mess with me and I won’t be nice
Put you in a coma no sooner than you can blink
A dose of diabetes that would really stink
Yes I am a Dulce luxe
And I can treat you well
But try to bring me down and I will cause you Hell
I might be candy but I am not for all
Mess with me and I will call you a fool

Written 9:58pm 24th February 2023

Damned rat

A rude awakening

A flood in the kitchen

Damned rat

Damned water pipe

Damn everything

Sleepy head

Near collapsing

They’ve gone out

Sleep again

Another rude awakening

Or three

Or four

Damned rat

Get the guillotines

Damned rat

My heart aches for the succulents

Let Cyril live rat

Triumph, we have water

But there will be no bath

Dinner was light and boring

Tomorrow will we laugh?

Written 01:11am 26th February 2023

Us creatures

That game which is no longer a game

It is known to me

The spirits tell me everything

For they want me to be free

They’ve shown me all your dreams and fears

They’ve shown me all you’ve done

They have promised that someday

You, in my life will come

I won’t judge you for playing

Because I know you’re not playing now

Don’t judge me before you know me

When you know me, anyhow

Yes we’ve known each other

In another life

We’ve known each other in spirit

We’ve see each other’s strife

Our connection is a strong one

Telepathic and its true

Don’t think you have anything to prove to me

Because I know you through and through

All I am doing is waiting

For you to come to me

And talk awhile about what it is

What you want from me

I know it sounds strange right now

But I know what it is you want

And I have always been waiting

For this guy I’ve dreamt of, who haunts

I don’t think you realise

Just how much I know

The question is, will you come

Yes or no?

I can’t do a thing for you

Until you reach out a hand

I have been waiting all my life

And waiting is not grand

It breaks my heart to know things

The darkness has been warm

But my heart is heavy and cold

My heart is scratched and worn

But I know you will heal me

Because you feel it too

You and I share everything

We are one, not two

We live in the shadows

We pretend to kiss the light

But we both know what we really want

We really want the night

So offer me your hand

And I will take it for sure

Because living without you hurts me

And I can’t take it anymore

Saffy is close to falling fast asleep

So close to giving up

She needs her emperor beside her

To wake and shake her up

We are not giving up this easily

We are one you and I

We will fight this battle united

You will no longer cry

We will walk this earth together

And rule it with an iron might

Because together we cannot be vanquished

Us creatures of the night

8:07pm 25th February 2023

Being too technical

I’ve never really been formally educated to understand what a vignette is, a lyrical piece of writing, a prose, a poem vs rhyme or sonnet and what constitutes flash fiction, micro-fiction and so forth; but I do try to learn, even though I don’t understand it.

I want to understand it, but I think it goes in one ear and out the other; I just can’t seem to absorb technicalities.

I may incorrectly be calling things on my blog “A vignette” when it isn’t, mistaking vignettes for mere philosophy and even putting philosophical prose amongst fiction rather than non-fiction without actually understanding that my philosophy was in prose format.

I don’t really know what I am talking about here, can you tell?

I am trying to be smart, but I really should try and give up trying to do things like that and just get on with it and hope for the best!

I am for all sense and purposes a creative person, its art no matter what form it is – why worry?  I could be ground-breaking, doing something new and all the worry about trying to do something old could ruin it all because I was trying to be smart and technical about it.

Or I could just confuse everyone and never get anywhere…

That could happen too…

Thanks for reading…

03:01am 24th February 2023

Love song for suicide

My dreams were coming

Then shattered by jealousy, wrecked

Blood is pretty when it’s pumping

Beautiful liquid rubies – perfect

I am bathed in the blood that served my life

Blood, tears, wet with strife

How can you do this to the one you love?

Because she didn’t love you too –

You know that you didn’t love her then

If you played with jealousy as a tool

Smashing opposition with lies and games

Just what exactly were your aims?

I trust in God and God will serve

Someday you’ll get what you deserve

But it won’t be me, because I’ll be dead

Because of all the lies you’ve fed

Let that on your conscience be

Apparently, you loved me.

But I said no and so you vied

And because you did

It’s why I’ve died.

Written 8:50pm 24th February 2023

Currently, I am struggling with dark thoughts, because of some stupid games people are playing.

One of which won’t take “no” for an answer, whilst apparently spreading lies behind my back that I am dating them, to people that I do actually like.

I am dating no one right now and holding out until the person I really like is ready and I know from others he is busy right now.

Leave the playground.

Stop the games.

My life is bad enough as it is without all this bitter jealousy from complete strangers.

At the moment, I am trying hard to keep positive. Trying not to reach for the rat poison or razors.

You don’t love me if you can go behind my back, lie about me and ruin my future with someone else because you can’t have me, as I said NO how many times now? That’s not love, that is selfishness, it’s not nice.

Think about what you are doing.

Rodents are nasty little critters aren’t they? But can they really gnaw through a heart of steel? I don’t think so, so please stop trying.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for the drama to my other readers.