One thing about me is I am good at not showing negative emotions. Online it seems like I am a drama queen that I am suckered into my emotions and I go to dark places and I seem self-absorbed.
Offline however, I hide it. I hide myself when I am down so I don’t bring down others I am around.
I am an empath; I soak up energies of other people, even just by thinking about them I can kind of get a feel what’s going on in their lives. So I respect that other people might be empathic too.
It’s a real hard adjustment living with someone who is as apathetic in life as I am; it’s like a prison of despair in a very real sense.
I never used to be like this. I am trapped in depression because I am around apathetic or superficial people, or people who just seem unemotional a lot of the time.
I used to be such a happy Pollyanna type; those days seem very far away right now.
I am getting to the point I am losing my strength to fight it and carry on, I am getting into a hopeless place.
Gradually over the months I’ve lost more and more of my appetite, to the extent I think soon I will not even bother to try and eat. I have only just realised today that it’s actually probably due to depression that I can’t eat, because on the days I have been able to eat a little more, things have been a little lighter around me.
I am doing less and less as time goes by, it’s like I am a clockwork doll which is about to lose her energy at any moment and there is no one left to wind me up again. Isolation has done that to me, isolation and a lazy superficial person I live with.
I needed Samaritans today, but I am deaf, I can’t speak on the phone – they don’t do text speech yet in my area apparently, but it’s coming soon…
Will it come soon enough?
I try to hide when I cry, I don’t like people seeing me like that, imagine how awkward it was for me when Henry walked in on me because I lost track of time and he came home from school and rushed to my bedroom to give me one of his ever increasingly rare hello hugs and instantly his smile became a face of concern.
Guilt, that’s what hit me when I saw his face, cold hard guilt.
I had my hoodie up and I shielded my eyes but he is a smart boy, he wasn’t convinced when I faked a cold.
He demanded to know what caused it and hugged me as he became firm about getting to the bottom of it.
He left eventually.
What bothers me is not that he caught me, but that his father came into the room just ten minutes before completely unfazed by how he found me. He never asked any questions other than when I wanted dinner and was eager to leave again without battering an eyelid. When Paul left, I got worse, because one of the reasons why I was upset was because I felt lonely and I felt no one could care if I were to die tomorrow.
To me, this proved it.
No one but Henry would.
Perhaps I am selfish, perhaps I am a drama queen – perhaps tomorrow I will snap out of it?
But right now, I am losing heart to try anymore.
I am tired of broken dreams, broken promises, and snapshots of a better future without any proof or real taste of it. I am tired of the lies; I am tired of people using me as a pawn in a game.
I am tired.
Thanks for reading…