Bleak to positive

I’m trying my best to try and think of more positive things lately, it is actually harder than I thought it would be and that is a huge contrast to the person that I used to be; I was often considered a bit of a Pollyanna – if you don’t know who Pollyanna is, Pollyanna is a little girl who always found something good about things that happened until one day she had an accident and couldn’t walk anymore and she found it hard to find anything good to say and the people she shone her light on – all came in mass to remind her of her old way of thinking when she was in her darkest hour.

For the past nine years I’ve suffered from very bad depression bought upon initially by illness and then extreme poverty, around 2015 I had my first true thoughts about suicide and have been struggling with them ever since.

I am trying to find the old me again as it is very clear in the near future, I will be moving out of this home and into a new one and hopefully things will be a little better for me emotionally.

I still have no date for that yet, but I know it will be coming before the end of the year at least, Paul is determined and Henry has resided himself to the fact that he wants to stay with his father and not follow me, because he doesn’t want to make new friends in a new school.

Wherever I go, they have to tolerate a house rabbit, because Ray is coming with me too – because I am the only person who gives him any attention and he would literally pine to death without me!

He is 5yrs old and a dark grey Dutch, so dark in fact you’d mistake him for black, he has dark blue eyes and loves reggae, gardening shows, rugby and Peter Rabbit – seriously he has his favourite types of music and TV shows, he is a house rabbit after all. 

I can’t eat a banana without sharing it with him; he gets grumpy and throws his food bowl at me!  He can be quite violent when affronted!

He needs neutering because he stinks.

Well anyway, there are still dark days to get over and when I have those days I tend to write dark and morbid poetry – but I am trying to break it up and space it out, so sometimes when the poems are being published, I may not actually be having a bad day at all, it may have been days or weeks ago.

I haven’t had a major depression bout for over a week now, but I am slowly slipping into it again as tonight I have been feeling on the verge of tears and being quiet and sleepy, but I am not sure what bought it on.  But at least I am not suicidal tonight.  I am just a bit dozy and I suppose sulky due to loneliness.

I am writing these words at 2:30am on the 19^th February 2023, this will be published in the afternoon – again, to space things out a bit.

Sometimes when I get writing specifically for my blog, I tend to write three to five poems all at once and about two or three diary updates and it would really annoy my readers if they got all of this one day and then just one tiny poem for a few days after.

So I space things out.

I am trying really hard to think about things that are not bleak – anything really so not to focus on the dark thoughts, because I am trying hard to push my old life away for a brand new one, that I believe is very close to coming to me and it’s going to be amazing but terrifying!

Seriously terrifying – but you know what?  I heard Mel Robbins a motivational speaker say once, that psychologists have proven than fear and excitement are formed from the same chemicals in the brain, they are in fact the same thing and you can trick yourself into believing your fear is excitement quite easily, so you don’t panic so much!

So when you are frightened, just think to yourself – it’s all so very exciting – I am excited – let’s do this!

So yes, I am terrified but it’s exciting…

Do you think I am ready for the nut house yet?

Thanks for reading!

Project AD and art

Tonight I have done some art for the first time in ages, sitting on the bed, giving up the idea of using my art table and I did a small A5 page of ink abstract drawings with some metallic inks; it made a nice effect and I plan to use it as part of a collage later on in the week.

I am writing this on the 18^th February around 3am in the morning, but it is likely not going to be posted until Sunday afternoon because there are a lot of things being posted here between now and then.

I decided to do this because I am reading a book about getting back into the habit of doing art and being a creative person again, because I am tired of obstacles.

I know it’s messy to paint on the bed, but I have very little choice as the only room I can guarantee will be exactly how I want it to be is my bedroom, since Paul has been put into the spare room and I am fierce like a cave bear about what goes in and out of my room now!

There is a little area in my room that if I got rid of a small cabinet and a footstool, I could put an art table there and paint there instead, but Paul told me not to buy anymore furniture because it seems likely in his mind that I won’t be here for long anyway.  He seems sure there is some mysterious man ready to sweep me off my feet, but I’ve told him stop being ridiculous, who’d want someone like me and why would they tell you and your friends and not me, eh?

It’s getting rather silly; Paul is getting obsessed with the idea.

There is enough room for an art table there, good light too – I could get one.

I told him I am getting the table in March if this mysterious man hasn’t turned up by then.

Paul is angry about that for some reason.

I don’t see how – I have after all promised everybody I would start a home business or art business by the end of this spring, is there any wonder I’d want to do this now?

I promised myself by the end of spring 2023 I would start my business up so I can get us out of this poverty as I am not sitting on my arse anymore, just having handouts – especially when I am not as sick as I used be!  Paul is not very supportive of this at all!

I have a lot of art projects I want to do – namely practise for Project AD as I want to do the art for it as I can clearly visualise exactly how I want those characters to look.

I am upset because earlier this week I found a movie trailer on YouTube called “Shimmy, the first monkey king” and I thought Oh no, one of the main supporting characters in my project has to be changed.  It was a small tamarind monkey girl called Shimmy, I thought – people would say she’s a rip off!  She was called Shimmy, because in Italian Scimmia (pronounced shimmy ah) means monkey and it was also in memory of a cousin of mine who loved to shimmy, but she died aged 16.

She was going to be a girlfriend to an inventor ape which assists the main character in his lair with gadgets and weapons etc.

She was so cute too – she would go “Ooh shimmy” and shimmy sometimes and she was going to wear a pink glittery dress and have really cool hair.

Things like this happen a lot over the years and it upsets me and makes me feel like I would be seen as a fraud if I ignore little things like this and just carried on anyway.

Paul is also kind of trying to make me self-conscious about a pack of dogs in my story too, which in his mind seem to have very similar personalities to another movie coming out called “Strays”.  I said, I doubt it, my dogs are child friendly!

Anyway, so that’s what’s going on here right now…

Thanks for reading!

Some Words

Words come and go

I write them down as they flow

Alike to the wet river

Words come streaming, sometimes slither

Some words are good and others bad

Others make me happy and others make me sad

But words flow through me like a breeze

You will see me write with ease

But sometimes I throw those words away

Because I didn’t like how they played

I sit and whittle away the hours

I fill the page with wordy showers

Some words are nice and some are evil

Some are alone and some in sequels

Some makes books and others don’t

Some words I will publish and others I won’t

Some words will play with your mind

Others are hard to understand I find

Some words are long and others short

Some are loose and others taut

Some are fine and some are not

Some words come out like a blot

Some are written by the hand

Some are typed on a computer, grand

But mostly words just sit with me

In my mind and won’t be free

Those words they have a hold on me

Clogging my chakra aggressively

Because I will not share those words with you

For all sorts of reasons both old and new

For some words are good and some are bad

And some words make me happy and others make me sad

And all the while I sit with words

And some fly out of me like birds