Monthly Archives: April 2023

Some love

There is a darkness in life

The kind that should fade away

The type which makes the children cry

And takes their love away

Weapons should not be flesh and bone

A lover should not lie

Entrenched with self interest

So onlookers go cross eyed

A little heart goes a long way

A little thought and deed

Instead of thinking selfishly

Instead of filling greed

The children always suffer

In a world where they are born to this

Raised in anxiety without a care

A love they’ll always miss

I should know, I’ve been there

I was a child like those

And always I wondered why I was born

To carry those shadows

For a mother who would always want

And a father who always gave

But ignored the child completely

So it is love she’ll always crave

And each night I pondered

How little she really got

As her heart grew cold and lonely

As dad refilled her pot

I see her now alone and old

She regrets those wasted years

But not of loving me tenderly

But for choosing the wrong careers

As money was her motivation

And luxury was her way

And people she did not care for

Unless she used and threw away

She doesn’t see the evil

She caused for all her greed

She just kept on wanting and dad kept filling the need

Always using me as a tool

To get what she really wants

More money to buy her clothes and jewellery

For her weekend party flaunts

Not a thought of any other

Just what she could get for me

And all I really wanted

Was a present loving mother, see

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We all die

Its terminal

Life

Everyone dies

Many try to escape this fate

But it is really a stupid mistake

For we all die

It’s no lie

Why cry like you didn’t expect it?

Why?

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They think I’m the hunter

I am chased, watched and hunted

They think I do not know

They think I’m ignorant to their plans

They think theirs don’t show

But whilst the hunter is hunting

His mate she hunts me too

Both of them think I’m ignorant

Both think I have no clue

One thinks I hunt the hunter

One thinks that I chase

Yet all I do is sit in wonder

How did I get to this place?

A simple comment woke him

The hunter who chases me

I wonder what to make of it

Why he is hunting me?

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Be nice

My face is a tormented Jack Russell, snarling at compliments and sympathy

My arms are like a big gorilla, strong and sturdy and firm

My legs are like two strong oaks and slow

My head is like a mountain, topped off with flecks of snow

My hands are like the claws of crabs, clumsy and bent

My feet are big like blue footed boobies

My voice is like a squirrel, that’s in a hurry and it is high

My back is strong like a bear and can carry the falling sky!

My teeth are like ice bergs, white and fade with time

My tongue is a slithering snake that will bite you

My ears are deaf and humble, like the naked mole rat

My nose can smell a lie for miles, like a German shepherd on a track

You think you can insult me, but I’ve heard it all before

You think that you can hurt me, but I think you’re just a bore

It’s sad to say these things to me, no it’s pathetic and it’s wrong!

Who made you Judge of the year, why can’t we get along?

You think you dig deep with your words, but instead you give me a giggle

Because, you’re so pathetic and insecure for you, these things will niggle

I’d say a few to you, but I am kinder and I am nice

I don’t like hurting others

So take my advice…

Don’t let people think you’re mean, don’t let them hate you, not a bit

Because being hated makes a lonely world and you won’t want to be in it

So please be kind and go on your way

And remember this lesson well

Because eventually all you’ve done for yourself, is create a living Hell

No one likes a gossip, no one likes a snob

No one likes a bully; they think that they are knobs

So trust these words and be nice

Go on your merry way

And maybe one day you won’t be lonely and insecure

And maybe you could play?

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I shall become a bore

I’ve screwed up in a major way

Running truths off my tongue like an ever flowing tap

Drowning the people who listen to my words

Dragging them under the currents of my despair

Till there is no one left to care

My tongue will be the death of me

Always yapping about this and that

Thinking people can cope with that

But they never do

One day I’ll learn to be mute

Then I’ll be a mystery to all

Holding my tongue

Maintaining a wall

Till perhaps one day I won’t be lonely anymore

Just someone who hardly speaks about herself

A bore

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My heart is like a caged bird

My heart is like a caged bird that is afraid to sing its song

Trapped in a cage of memories of those who’ve done her wrong

My heart is like a block of ice, waiting to melt for someone new

Someone loving, kind, sweet and true

Who will gain the trust of my caged heart?

So she can be tamed again, someone who is compassionate and help it to mend

My heart is like the fragile wings of a butterfly

Handled by the wrong hands and it will surely die

My heart it sits in yearning for someone close and warm

To relight the fire within and shelter it from the storm

My heart used to be fierce and free and love with all its might

Everyone who came to it, the heart shone its light

Till too many showed her lies and used her in every way

So eventually the hearts light started to fade away

My heart is like a candle that has lost its burning glow

Each night she prays for someone true, someone who won’t put on a show

My heart it has so much to give

A hamper of all the best

If someone true comes and finds it, they will be surely blessed

For I love with all my heart and my heart is fierce and true

My heart will beat like a drum, music just for you!

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Mirror from Hell

I never felt I was beautiful

I used to pretend I believed the lies

When others looked in awe at me, with their eyes opened wide

They tagged me beautiful, gorgeous, goddess and all the fancy names

Never once did I believe them, even though I was once vain

It was all a game to me

A game of “let’s pretend”

Perhaps one day I’ll believe them

Let’s try and set the trend

I did my hair and face up, but I felt like I was a clown

I wore a smile on my face, but in my heart I wore a frown

I stared in the mirror to try and see, what others thought they saw

But all I saw was flab and guts and pimples and all the flaws

I couldn’t understand what the heck they saw in me

And still to this day, it puzzles me

Though I’m not like how I used to be

I am heavier and I have aged

I’ve white in my head of hair and the light in my eyes has disengaged

I had let myself go completely, for I thought why bother now?

I’ve passed my best and what’s the point?  Fat stupid cow!

But you know, I had a glimmer of hope and it came to me

To pick myself up again

Preen myself and see!

Could I trick myself to believe, that I am something good?

And that I’ve had it all along, though see it – never could!

Can I be so bold to imagine, a life where I agree with you?

That I am a beautiful goddess and I can see it too?

Because right now I don’t see it

Though my eyes are opened wide

And I am staring down the mirror

And I’ve tried and tried and tried

I can’t see the Venus, I can’t see the Belle

My mirror comes from a circus, a circus from Hell

I don’t know why I can’t see it

I don’t know what is wrong

But I know I will keep trying

Maybe I’ll come along?

Who knows one day I’ll see it

But till then I sit confused

And my ego sits all battered, beaten and bruised

Whilst I keep on staring in the mirror that’s from Hell

And wonder why I don’t see the true me – I wish someone could tell

And till then I will keep on trying

To see myself in a better light

Though it’s a real big struggle right now

A historically epic fight

I won’t give up like I did once

I will keep on till I drop

Because I can’t keep seeing the lies can I?

The penny’s got to drop!

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Could I believe again?

Could I ever trust a kind word?

A soft touch of the hand

Could I ever believe the words softly spoken in my ear?

Should I believe the promises of new, like I did yesteryear?

Although the people are different

Should I treat them all the same?

Or should I treat each differently, as different as their name?

Should I grasp at straws to accept that they are different than those?

Or should I risk discrimination and spite my own nose?

Will I ever love quite freely and feel secure in trust?

Or is confidence of another, something I’ll always lust?

Perhaps someday I’ll find them

Someone who is honest and loving too

And then maybe I’ll trust again

Who knows, it could be you?

But till then I keep on wondering, if I’ll ever know

If I could believe in another, like I did long ago

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Forgotten by me

A heartfelt laugh

Happiness without guilt or shame

A smile to a stranger

These things are forgotten by me

A warm embrace

A comforting word

A true friend to share things with

These things are forgotten by me

A simple pleasure

Something yummy

Snuggling down with a dozy dog

These things are forgotten by me

Lying on the grass reading a book in the summer

Dipping toes in the lake to cool

Smelling lilies freshly cut from the garden

These things are forgotten by me

Guiding children to play

Being of assistance and help

Feeling needed

These things are forgotten by me

Criticising scorn from my mother

A hawk eyed spy

Jealous pranks

Forgotten by me

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I don’t like being weak!

I am not afraid to admit when I am doing something mindlessly, I am not scared to say “Hey, I don’t know what I am doing” as I am learning something new.

I am feeling like this right now with a new form of exercise I have taken up “medium resistance band exercises”. 

I’ve been bed bound sick from 2013 to spring 2022, before I was bed bound sick I was a very active woman with a weight training past, I was very strong.  I am disappointed to have learned that I can barely move this resistance band, because I have become very weak over the years.

A far cry from 2006 when I could carry a 250llb man across a room!  Seriously, I did that because the guy, who was called Sahid, did not believe I could do it and that I did weight training in my spare time back then because I had strange dreams of becoming a wrestler or gladiator if my other career options failed.

I don’t like being this weak!  I want the amazon in me to come back!  I was very proud of my physical prowess back then, yes I was always a little large looking by most people’s standards, but I was toned and strong and fit!  180 pounds of toned woman!

I am not like that anymore and it’s going to change – I don’t believe for one moment that being forty years old makes me too old to go back to that level of toned fitness and strength!

This is exactly why I am having a high protein diet and trying to put in HIIT exercises here and there in my day.  I am unable to do more than 15 minutes all told in a day, because I am still sick and I have multiple immune problems which will be with me for life; I have to work around it the best I can!

Right now I am doing more in a day than I did a year ago and that makes me feel proud of myself, because I’ve come so far!

I don’t think I will reach my weight goal by July like I said a few months ago because I have had lapses and the weight loss has slowed down somewhat, I do think at my current pace it could be reachable in 75 to 100 weeks if nothing changes and that is depending on whether or not I am losing 0.5llbs to 1llb a week like I have been this past month.

Also my goal has shifted to becoming lighter than I wanted originally.

I intend to do a lot more to make the goal faster, but I am basing this on more failure, ill-health, mental relapses and financial worries getting in the way of the goal – so if I say to myself I will be at my goal by March 2025 I won’t be disappointed every six months, will I?  But March 2025 is doable with the failures and relapses in mind.

If everything goes my way – there is no reason why it should take that long!  There is no reason for me not to be my goal by Christmas 2023 the latest with a 2llb loss per week being necessary to do so and no relapses!

The relapses aren’t dietary – they are lapses in my exercise routine due primarily to illness – but kind of dietary in that financially it might be tough to prioritise high protein – but I am trying to force that as a priority no matter what!

Even if I have to eat nothing but porridge and protein shakes and a celery and spinach smoothie a day, I feel inclined to do this!

In fact this is a discussion I aim to have with Paul, as yes I still live with him and yes, he still holds the budget purse strings!

So, getting back to the gist of this post – I have no idea what I am doing with this resistance band, but I am doing it anyway and I am hoping and trusting I am positioning myself correctly according to these YouTube videos I am watching! 

I’m pretty sure it’s normal for people as unfit as me to get butt cramps when you use this thing on your upper thighs after two minutes? 

LOL!

Thanks for reading!

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