I am a Libra sun, Aries moon and Pisces rising or a Chinese water dog, for those who feel astrology is important in understanding someone.
I was born in Hammersmith London October 1982. My childhood was not a settled one and full of more ups and downs than most. I was put onto the “at risk register” when I was 10yrs old and social services kept a close watch on family life until I was 16, unfortunately for me their eyes weren’t sharp enough and I was failed by social services.
When I was 12yrs old they wanted to send me to a boarding school that was within a children’s mental health hospital in Hertfordshire for rehabilitation, because the staff there believed that I was suffering from untreated post-traumatic stress bought about by isolation and emotional abuse; my mother worked as a carer for the elderly and therefore knew the ways of social services and covered her tracks up so well that even other relatives do not believe that my childhood was as bad as I claim it to be; A mother can choose to pick on one or two of her children and care for very well others within the same family, it is far easier when there is a 12yr age gap between your children to guard your reputation and easier still if 1 of the 2 children you are abusing are rebellious and aggressive by nature, like my brother. The eldest child of the family has no idea really what our mother put us through, he is confused by our supposed mistreatment of her, since we’ve become adults and demanded that she never ever comes near us again – he doesn’t understand why we would do that, he doesn’t understand why we are so adamant about cutting ourselves off from her.
This is another reason why this blog has been quiet for the past year. I have been discovered to publish the truth and many people are supporting my abuser and trying to protect her reputation. I would never lie about such claims, lying is not within my nature and nor is the idea of cutting myself off from family either – I happen to be very family oriented and I have regular contact with all of my father’s family, my brother who knows the truth, and I did try to maintain contact with my father through the break away from my mother, but since he lives with her and is very much dominated by her, he cannot contact me privately with ease.
This is sad, because I have been blessed with the world’s best father, but cursed with one of the most conniving and vicious mothers.
I have been told to shut up, I have been told that I may be taken to court for defamation if I reveal anything of my so-called abuse, because so many people are totally convinced that my mother is an angel, because she took in strayed teenagers and cared for them excellently, she also has a strong social network and because of this, people think she is wonderful. But that’s the thing with abusers, particularly those who are emotionally manipulative, they cover up their tracks by being model citizens and are pedantic enough to concentrate only on maybe, one or two people at a time and turn stories around that make the victim seem a liar or a problem.
Since my struggle through to independence and speaking openly without fear, I have decided that I am going to campaign in my life, for those children and even adults who are abused via emotional manipulation, because emotional manipulation is the most severe abuse out there and there is little information on it.
I was home-educated which meant that emotional manipulation was relatively easy. I was educated in schools occasionally, spending anywhere between 3 days and 6 months in any school, I think it worked out to about 14 different schools throughout my life; my mother pulled me in and out of school for all kinds of reasons and told our family that it was because I would play up and get so worked up that I would become ill and sent home from school. Some occasions this was true, but mostly I was told that I wouldn’t be in school that day.
I had on occasion run away from her only to be bought back in tears that I am back home again. No one ever questioned this and my mother often lied that it was because the person I ran away to was abusive to me, on many occasions that was untrue.
My older brother could never understand why I was so adamant about staying with a guy I met once, traveling across the country to be with him; my brother was send by my mother to fetch me home with my cousin, he couldn’t understand that the reason I went was because I needed respite from our mother, something this guy was offering me. She was forewarned 6 weeks before this happened, but she laughed at me for the idea that a stranger would be interested in someone as morbidly obese as me and took it so lightly she conveniently forgot. I reminded her every couple of days that I was going, but she seemed to ignore me and so I left that morning with a letter claiming she will never see me again, I made up my mind not to go back home to her because she never took my attempts at independence seriously and I meant it. Unfortunately I was sent back to her regularly because the guy I was living with couldn’t get permission for a new housemate she share with him and share rent. I would stay 5 days a time and go back to London, once I stayed for almost 3 months without going back to London because our landlord had a long holiday visiting his brother in Australia.
When I went to his home initially I stayed for 1 night and came home again, because he felt the family could become violent if I stayed any longer. I was crest-fallen, however, he came with me and had quiet words with my mother away from my father, that if she did anything to me whilst I was in a relationship with him, he would personally call for the police and that he would appreciate her not sending the mob over to get me.
There are 4 boyfriends in my past, two of which I still have contact with and not including my current partner Paul that can verify that they had quiet words with my mother and will contact authorities if they witness anything. Paul and one other once did witness somethings; unfortunately I sated the problem by calming everyone down, I sometimes wonder whether or not I should have just let my boyfriends do the best thing as nobody other than my father’s side of the family and one brother believes me. There are two aunts on my father’s side of the family who have been viciously attacked in the past by my mother who absolutely believes what I say and I so thankful for that because if it weren’t for them, I could be considered family-less.
When I was 26yrs old I went for a day out with Paul and we both came to the agreement that we will go back to London together and tell my mother I am going back, that night, to live with him. She was confused, and wasn’t happy, but because we insisted in having my father listen to this, she behaved quite well for her.
Because of the emotional abuse and isolation, I have problems with being independent, I have mental health problems that put me on the very extreme end of co-dependency, in fact, such a high score, that professionals are actually at a loss as to how to treat me.
Thankfully, Paul is a wonderful person who is patient with this clinging and co-dependant nature and he has told his family about this, because he is concerned how I will cope when he dies (he is 27yrs my senior).
If it weren’t for meeting Paul the way I did, I would have continued talking to some people in the life-style BDSM scene who were closer to my age; I would have chosen a dominant male/slave relationship. There was no other idea I could have, other than joining a convent that I could think of to get around my co-dependency problems. A convent would never be an option because I am not religious and I do not believe in mainstream ideologies.
I am by nature or nurture, I am unsure which is true, a submissive woman. Paul thinks it was instilled in me abusively and therefore is nurture.
We have sought advice on this threat of defamation and we have been told that if there are real records of the fact that I was on the “at risk register” then it would be thrown out of court, especially as there are some people who have been attacked by my mother who will come with me to court to testify.
When I mention that none of my family believe me, it is the family that was primarily present in my life when I was growing up – my father’s family weren’t, because my mother was quite jealous of any attention my father and I gave to his relatives, she also disliked their acceptance of multi-racial families, of which I have 17 bi-racial cousins with.
I am now putting my past behind me, but not forgetting it, I will never forget it and I will never keep quiet about it because my past with my mother has been a very dominant one. Even as an adult she controlled me, disallowing me to even work.
When I was happy about something, like getting a new job, I wasn’t happy because I have overcome some phobia, I was happy because I thought that my mother finally was cutting the apron strings – however, she always pulled these independent spurts from under me and then told everyone that I simply couldn’t cope. Before 2006 this was untrue, after 2006, something clicked inside my head, that finally cracked and before I knew it, I really couldn’t do anything independently anymore.
I am glad I got away from her when I did, in July 2009. I spoke online to many potential suitors, ensuring everyone knew what kind of life I had and I would assess how they were offline by meeting them at the local mall, just 500ft away from the house. Those I felt comfortable with my mother demanded that I must bring back to the house for her assessment. I did this, and with anyone I found sleazy or weak-minded she loved, anyone who seemed strong-minded and mature she hated. I realised then that this is the kind of game she plays, she didn’t want me to be happy and she didn’t want me to have a strong man, she wanted someone of whom she could dominate. Paul played this game very well for me, because he knew from what I told him, that she will make it difficult for me to have a relationship with him otherwise. We worked quickly together to get me away from her.
I am talking about this now, for therapy but also, to get my dirty laundry out there before anyone else does.
Therefore I have now decided that my entire past will be an open book. I am sorry for such a long post, but there are just somethings in life that you cannot cut short and this is one of those things.
Thank you for reading.
Tina Cousins x
6 responses to “About me”
I was simply going to say thank you for liking my blog, but I make it a point to read the about sections on everyone who takes the time to acknowledge what I’ve done, I consider it only fair. After reading your section I can only say I wish you all the best. I know and knew far too many people who grew up in abusive homes. I just hope as time goes on, there will be less and less.
thank you for so much honesty, for sharing your truth. it resonated with me, a very troubled and upset childhood as well, shadows of that past following me for years and only recently somewhat resolved.
just thought i’d visit a bit and thank you for liking my poem ‘our words’, a recent and novice poetry writer appreciates the encouragement.
I apologise for not getting back to you sooner, I have had a long illness and haven’t updated this blog for a long while. Thank you for not making me feel alone.
Hey, from Rugby, (couldnt see your name anywhere) just wanted to say -“like the subway to hell”
Pity about your burn pile, noone should have a burn pile, they should have a WTF folder though. So when someone like me pops ailong and wants to read the crap in her head, they can be directed to a catagory titled THE CRAP IN MY HEAD.
Are you going to add any more words to the blossoming picture?
Hope so 🙂
Thanks, initially I wasn’t going to make it a story, but since you liked it so much that can soon change! I’ll add more in a day or two 🙂 Thanks again!
Cool , i can now add – muse – to my CV