Category Archives: Brain Drain

General updates on what my brain is up to and thinking and feeling etc… snippets of work and writers block guides

Flux to Fluck?

I am in a flux today.

I am experiencing deep depression and high motivation and there is no real in-between.

On one hand I feel extremely down and tearful and struggling to even think that I’d get to April and on the other I feel pumped to exercise and morph my body over a time into how I really want it to be.

I’ve been staring in a mirror for months trying to see myself through other people’s eyes and occasionally I see something, but then I move my head a certain way and the ugly comes back to haunt me.

So, exercise raises endorphin levels when you do it after a time, but it’s getting the will to get up and just move today that’s eating at me.  Because I just want to hide under my fleece blanket and cry about things, cry deeply – I’m wearing hoodies a lot lately to hide the fact I’m crying so much to other members of the household.

They really haven’t noticed, perhaps my friend is right – I’d be a good actress?  Who knows!

When I have got used to never dreaming because things never happen for me, someone comes along and tells me that life is soon to be great and it’s like another tease.  More disappointment for the future and more broken dreams and an even more shattered heart – that’s the forecast for me I think.

I used to be a positive person, a Pollyanna and I used to tick people off with my ray of sunshine and words of encouragement – it’s like someone was bothered by it so much they’ve cursed me!

I’m told regularly, I will have great things because I have a great talent and this person and that person likes you – it’s all bullshit really, because I haven’t seen these people tell me things.

There are lots of talented people in the world who don’t have those great things – I’m not the only one and it’s not things that I want.  It’s love.

A few rich men haven’t got that into their thick heads yet – they think they can seduce me with things, but they can’t.

Why are the simplest things in life so hard to obtain?  A persons time, snuggles; words of love, support and encouragement, a good time and a laugh without judgement?

A tactile relationship that feels real and not based on lies and broken promises, a relationship where we encourage each other, instead of one of us being a sponge and draining the life out of the other in order to make the other one feel better?

I know I have had a life of abuse, but it sounds strange to roll this off the tongue, but I was always a happy kind of person, known for being bubbly and friendly and since I’ve moved here slowly and steadily I am being drained of life.

I remember before I moved here that I could never imagine the day I’d die, I was scared of death and wanted to be immortal – but now I crave death.  It’s so contrast!

My willpower for survival is weakening.

Paul told me the other day that when a problem used to occur when I first moved in and I wasn’t moved by it and stayed relaxed and the same, that it bothered him, frustrated him even.  Now, whenever there is a problem I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, where a problem can become a huge drama quite quickly and it’s a big contrast and he thought that I’d be more supportive and take it more seriously, but instead it’s made me fall apart.

I know why.

When I lived with my parents, emotions were not tolerated if it made a person loud or unmanageable and unproductive. 

When I came here, it’s ok to be loud, shouting, ranting and raving at the slightest problem and to not let go.

I’m a huge empathic sponge, I soak up the energies of people around me and become like them – I’m a spiritual chameleon of sorts.  This is why it’s essential I remove myself from this environment somehow, but it’s difficult when the energies around me are apathetic, depressed, defensive and aggressive.

On the rare occasion a visitor comes who is of lighter energy, it rubs off me quickly and I feel like the old me again – their energy can boost me for a couple of days in fact, but it never lasts.

I remember having such high energy when I first moved in that I drained Paul instead.  Paul looked awful and exhausted all the time.  Because I was always on my feet, being bubbly, finding joy in the smallest thing like a child in a candy store, no matter what happened in life – everything was like a novelty to me and it was.

Because I rarely got to choose anything and go out when I lived with my parents.

I had comments from Paul that I looked at the world in childlike wonder and innocence and that I was so excitable, he kept telling me to slow down, calm down, sit down, lie down, everything had to come down.

Till I emotionally fell down and can barely get up with the weight of it all.

Words can’t describe how I truly feel – all of this feels like intense whining of a bitter heart who hates the world for the joy it has because she hasn’t got it.  Jealous slurs, that’s probably what you’re thinking about this post right now.

If you aren’t thinking that, then I apologise.

Art would show the world more of what I feel inside, but then again I can’t use my art table right now can I?

I really miss doing art.

I think the reason why I look younger than forty is because as tragic as it sounds I cry so much my tears sometimes dry on my face and make it feel taut after a while.  Like now, my face feels tight because the tears have dried.

I try to keep my sense of humour and find something to laugh about, which is part of the manic depression I have.  One minute extremely low and playing with sharp objects near my wrists and then the next moment cracking jokes about my darkness.

I might be depressed but with the tear treatment at least it keeps me young.  It’s a little light, but still gloomy and incredibly pitiful.

But that’s where I am today.

No in between – motivated to exercise and cry my heart out at the same time whilst being at my most deeply creative. 

Lack of sleep, slept four and a half hours again last night, my average for the past few weeks actually.

Motivated to exercise because I saw a glimmer of hope in the mirror the other day that I could look exactly like Diana Dors (Diana Mary Fluck) my main idol after all!  Just dye the hair, tone up and lose around forty pound and yes, I can see its possible I could be like her…

Maybe someday I will get myself out of this dump and sell my work and get myself a red dress covered in rubies and diamonds and wear a pretty wine coloured faux fur shrug with a silk ribbon?  Maybe someday I can walk in high heels without looking like a rookie tranny and actually be elegant and swan like?

Or maybe someday I will be found in a pile of my own poems covered in blood and white as snow, cold and still like ice and maybe my finders will publish my work for me and I will become posthumously famous?

Sods law that.

Thanks for reading…

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Merry Christmas everyone

Have a very Merry Christmas everyone!

Love you!

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The 80s

I grew up resenting anyone who was a teenager or an adult during the 80s and early 90s because in my opinion, that was a cool time to be a teenager or an adult in!

I know a lot of people look back in the 80s with disdain for the fashion and hairstyles, but you know what?  I thought and still do think that it was a cool time for fashion!  Except for maybe shoulder pads… but everything else I loved!

Particularly the music!

I love the Eurhythmics

Bon Jovi

Queen

Meatloaf

Duran Duran

The Madness

And a whole bunch of others!

I even found most of the fantasy and horror movies were much better then, but then again a lot of people think I like crap – so, whatever…

What’s more is I love garish colour and vocally, I suppose I am a bit outdated as I still spout the words “Cool” and “aw man” and others… I can’t get into all this new stuff where saying “sick” means great – to me, well, you don’t wanna know what sick means to me!

This is another reason why I have confined myself to the bedroom recently – Henry is tired of my retro to the 80s playlist.

Ho hum.

Professional wrestling was at its greatest too! 

If I had a time machine I would go back to the 80s so I could go to several wrestling events and go to the music concerts of all the above!

Never been to a music concert before!

Thanks for reading!

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What not to say to a zombie & gifts

Things not to say to a zombie

What a load of old rot!

What’s that smell?

Are you alright?

Do you actually have a brain?

You’re hopping mad!

Bite me!

What should you buy a zombie for Christmas?

Fly spray

Fixatives

Insensitive gifts would be a coffin and a spade

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A spider’s suicide note or…

I was looking for something today around the house, looking high and low and then I found a small folded up piece of paper with a dead spider on it.

I paused what I was doing and held my hand up to Paul who was talking to me “wait a moment” I said, “I have to read this suicide note from this spider”!  Puzzled he walked off half laughing. 

I opened the piece of folded paper tentatively to see if it was indeed a suicide note from a spider but it wasn’t!  I was surprised to find an excerpt from a story I decided to abandon for a while.  The spider either died of horror at the bad writing that was on the page or it decided to do a protest suicide to make me re-add this scene into the story, which one is true, I have no idea.

It could be just a case of the spider being in the wrong place at the wrong time and just randomly died on the page, but I like to be philosophical about things.

What do you think was the meaning of the spider?

Thanks for reading!

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Things you shouldn’t say to a vampire!

I like you, up to a point!

You’re a bloody nuisance!

Fancy a steak?

Bite me!

Fangs for the memories

You need to go out and catch some sun!

You’ve got bats in the belfry!

Have you seen yourself lately?

Whatchya fancy to eat?

Once bitten twice shy!

Stick it to the man!

I want a shish kebab

I think I’m bleeding!

Bloody Hell!

Fancy a bloody Mary?

I’m cross with you!

Have you ever been baptised?

You’re my wing man!

Occasionally I find you a bit loopy!

You look like death warmed up!

You’re cold hearted!

Amorte!  “to death in Italian”

Should I open the curtains and get a bit of sun in here?

Do you fancy a nibble?

You suck!

Lap it up!

You’re very hypnotic

Blood is thicker than water!

You’re my battle companion! 

It’s of a grave concern

Tomb it may concern! 

I love you to death!

I’m going to break your heart!

Neck and neck!

You’re pulling on my heartstrings!

I’m bored to death!

Upon reflection isn’t a sigh of relief for you to know that my vampire stories aren’t comedies!  My vampires are part of my dark fantasy and horror works, they were not meant to be humorous, but me being me, I can’t help but think of fun things regarding my vampires from time to time – but this stuff doesn’t really belong too much in my personal vampire series. 

I have thought about having a separate comedy vampire series I’d like to write, but I really am unsure of taking that plunge due to the amount jokes already in the genre – many I have used above!

Thanks for reading!

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Bathroom Window – Snippet

Bathroom Window

The cobwebs around the bathroom window have gathered dust; even the spider has seen it best to vacate the area as the dust weighs down on the threads breaking it slowly over time.

The little pile of dead beetles, moths and silverfish line the windowsill with little black dots of spider shit.

I suppose I had better clean this place up?  Thought Gladys for the umpteenth time that year; she held the basin, trying to stand independently but faltering as her shoulders gave way to pain. 

Maybe some other time when my arthritis isn’t giving me gyp?  She thought to herself, as she resigned back to her wingback chair in the lounge to watch more dramatic daytime television – who’d have thought my life would be like this?  Thought the former gym instructor; who’d have thought?

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Drama of creative social media

Petty minded rivalry runs rife on social media between writers and artists these days, this is very apparent and I have had my run in with one or two myself.

I don’t have time for that kind of thing and I think that another writer who tries to engage in a rivalry with another writer is purely out for click baiting other people who are interested in the pending drama.

It seems that they have so much time on their hands to do so whilst moaning about the lack of time they themselves have to write their novels – personally they’d have more time if they weren’t such attention whores in the first place!

Some people lack imagination of what to write or talk about on their YouTube channels so try to make something interesting happen by putting in needless dramatizations of their lives, which generally only exist in their minds.

Hopefully, someone has learned something here?

Happy reading, oh and happy writing to you too!

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Why are only aliens nice?

I feel like an alien in this world as I am in a constant state of confusion.

Everything puzzles me. 

I feel lost and very lonely most of the time and before you think, you should know this is not a poem.

This is a post of statements of how I currently feel.

There are days when I feel like I have stepped into a groundhog day, I am sure I have done this day before?  There are days when I wake up and I am sure that it is Friday, but it isn’t it is actually only Wednesday.

I have an understanding of how the world should be, but I am not an oppressive, I love the individuality of everyone I meet, but it can be hard when I think that what I do is right and proper and I have people gawp at me as though I am some kind of purple spotted beast who just farted in their faces!

Yet all I did was, what I thought was any common decent thing to do – please may you pass the salt?  Maybe the people I generally spend time with are not used to manners like that?  I don’t know, but they make me feel like I am a strange and complicated thing.

I dare to be polite to serving staff at cafes and do small talk with them, how dare I… the staff don’t react badly to it, but other customers and those who are with me at my table seem to think there is something odd about that.  “Do you know them”?  They ask almost accusingly – “No”, I reply.  Most strange isn’t it? Apparently so!

I have had some friends who are on the same wavelength as me and they appreciate this personality in me and they have suggested what they call another cropping of my contacts!  I shouldn’t feel alienated by being polite or simply just conversational and friendly – but people like me seem to be a minority and it is getting worse as years go on.

The people at your local supermarket and those who serve you green tea at the café and the teacher at your child’s school are people, they are not machines, you can be nice to them you know?  It would make the world a better place to do so, would change the way humanity progresses… try it!

Be nice, you never know, you might enjoy the outcome!

Happy reading!

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New Look

Let me know if you like the new look in the comments below. I am worried that it is too bright, but I wanted the post titles to be visible and I think this is a lovely new look. But you are the readers and I don’t want to hurt your eyes!

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