Henry’s request

My son Henry has requested that I don’t speak about him anymore on any of my social media, I am going to honour those wishes.

For those of you who like updates about Henry, you will be disappointed but I am respecting his wishes and I am no longer updating anything about him on my social media or blog unless he has specifically given permission to do so.

Thank you for understanding!

Good ratters

I have slowed down a lot writing anything in the past couple of days because I have a cold and a mild (for me) chest infection developing – it could be due to the dust from Monday afternoon’s cleaning exhibition.

I hope it doesn’t get worse, I know it’s the dust because there are a few small hives on me too – dust does this for me, I have a terrible allergy to dust both for breathing and skin irritation.

We need a dog – I know you know I have wanted a dog for a long time now, but now it has got to a point we actually need one!

A Jack Russell please, our neighbour stores flour and grains in their attic/loft and some kind of rodent has eaten its way through our attic and has got into the house – we need a Jackie to deal with the situation, they are good at that, a Jackie or a yorkie will do.

We can afford neither.

I actually know how ratting dogs work, it’s actually far quicker and more humane than any other method, a five second shake and the rodent is dead, can you say the same for poison or traps?

Its times like these I miss Star, Jack and Max – excellent ratting dogs I used to know!

Thanks for reading!

Henry’s Dinner

For ages Henry my twelve year old son (thirteen in May) has wanted to buy his own full ingredients to cook his own dinner entirely on his own without help, including pudding – he saved up his money for a month to do this because the food he wanted was quite expensive.

He did it all successfully and I am proud of him, the only thing was that he didn’t want to share what he cooked with the rest of us – he wanted it to be his and his only, though he allowed small samples to taste for everybody.

He made a homemade chunky tomato sauce with chilli, fried himself up a steak and ate it with rice and mixed vegetables.  For his pudding he baked a peanut butter sponge cake and gave himself a side of strawberry ice-cream to go with that.

I am proud of him – his chunky tomato sauce tasted like unsweetened Doritos salsa; it was almost identical in fact, though the vegetables were chunkier and there was a lot of spice in it but not overbearing.

I had a small bite of his peanut butter sponge cake too, it was nice actually – I was surprised I liked it because I hate peanut butter on bread and cakes usually – I love peanut butter on cookies or fruit and vegetables, but never on breaded products.  It was a pleasant surprise.

Paul was at a loss because he was absolutely forbidden to interfere at all and that was very difficult for him and you could see the stress in him.

Henry got himself a basic recipe for cake mixture off the internet, everything else was experimental – I was shocked at how professional it was and how the flavours didn’t clash at all!

Being a cook is one of the four things Henry keeps thinking about being when he leaves school – though he is sure that right now he is going to be an accountant with a side-line in politics as a local MP until he can make it quite high up the ladder, then give up accountant work for politics full time – he also has an interest in acting, but mostly Shakespearian theatre work or musicals.

Henry has a dream of either being the finance minister or prime minister or both eventually.

I will say it again, I am proud of my boy!

Thanks for reading! 

Conspiracies…

Paul has told me something strange recently about people online.

He has told me that some people are quite upset about me in some way and it is causing issues in their lives, whilst others seem to be delighted about discovering me.

He seems very sure that I have a brand new life waiting for me and that something major is going to occur by the end of the month.

What?  He won’t tell me.

But he is practically packing my bags!

I don’t do gossip and rumours and I am a little flummoxed and upset that there is so much of it going on about me and my life and that people are actively doing things in their lives which is upsetting others. 

Paul claimed these very rumours are a small part of why he decided we should separate last June.

It’s frustrating because Paul is determined that I know something about these rumours and that I am denying any knowledge of it – he is slowly trying to accept I am in the dark – because I really am!  But he is both puzzled and confident about something is going to happen.

It’s all a big mess.

I wished I knew what the blazes he is on about and what the blazes all these mysterious messages I keep getting online from places.  It’s like I have fallen into a huge conspiracy theory or something and I don’t like it!

People are trying to drop hints at me about things, but it is all cryptic and I am not smart enough to understand any of it – what the blooming heck is going on please?

If anyone would care to tell me, email me at TheTardyCreative@gmail.com because I am not sleeping over it, Paul is sure I am going to have a huge upheaval soon and move out – but I am not privy to this if it’s true and I want to know why?

I sound like a crazy woman right now – but I have to put it out there, because whoever is causing all of this, one thing I do have clarity on is that they read this blog daily!

I need to know what’s going on so I can start making plans in my life and get things in order – I can’t just up and go like Paul seems to think I can!

It’s all stupid and doesn’t make sense!

Paul is convinced someone is going to contact me quite soon – so if they are… why aren’t they?

What do they want and why is Paul trying to talk me into packing?

Paul has already told me, yes we’ve separated but I don’t need to move out and he personally isn’t eager for me to move out – he has told me this – but something is going on and he won’t spill the beans!

Come on… what’s the big mystery for?

It’s causing arguments here and ructions and I am not sleeping because of it and I am starting to get ill due to prolonged anxiety because Paul is very convincing something is afoot!

Thanks for reading!

TV and simple life’s pleasures

From the other day I forgot to mention another fandom I am hugely into; Dr Who.  The thing is, since living with Paul I am behind on all the series of Dr Who because it is a fight for me to watch anything in this house without being disturbed.

So I am several years out of sync with the TV and movie trends.

It’s annoying, because before I moved in with Paul I watched TV about 2 hours a day, usually movies or sci-fi, fantasy series and along with this I used to also buy specific magazines in the genre I am interested in – such as Rock music magazine and Sci-Fi Now.

For the six months living with Paul we didn’t own a TV, he didn’t want one and it was a battle to convince him to get one – he didn’t, my mum gave me one of her old ones instead and then he had to go and get a TV license, he resented her for this.

It’s one of the small things I was actually grateful of my mother doing!

These days I kind of keep up to date with things by watching movie and TV news on YouTube, so I am not totally in the dark about what’s going on – but I sit and watch in envy because I know most of the things I see up there are out of my budget and reach and I will only ever see things if it turns up on Freeview at a convenient time where the household isn’t going to disturb me!

Convenient times are hard to come by – generally I am left alone between 8:30 and 10pm most evenings, but Sunday is the best time for me if I want to watch something.  7pm to 10pm, this is why I was able to watch Lucifer until the seventh episode – I didn’t get to see anymore because Henry was sick and I missed a week and if I miss a week I know I can’t get it back so I gave it up.  It’s a shame because I got to like that series a lot!

We have watched “Zomboat” and “What we do in the shadows”, Paul and I because it was on around 10 or 11pm at night and its horror comedy, which Paul is OK with.

I have never gone to the cinema as an adult either; the last time I saw anything on cinema was when I was 12yrs old and that was Jurassic Park!

Simple life’s pleasures like watching TV seems a feat in this house, it’s so bloody weird how everything seems unobtainable whilst I live here – it’s like the house has cursed me!

I’m pretty sure my lung problem is to do with the damp, Paul denies it! 

Thanks for reading! 

Just one game…

I’m a recovering gaming addict.

I used to play games for hours when I was bedbound sick every single day, right up until around Easter 2022 when I decided enough is enough!

I am tired of being sick and gaming and doing nothing else – I am tired of pretending to be a farmer on Sims4 because I can’t garden anymore.  I am tired of being a Sims character with a dog, because I can’t have a dog.  I am tired of living a virtual life!

I knew that once I gave up gaming that I might go round the twist pretty quickly because it was the only thing that took my mind off the pain I have every day.

But I came to the conclusion that if I wasn’t gaming as much, then I would be practising art and writing more and for a time that was true.

You have no idea how much I actually miss gaming!

Especially since today I learned that Sims4 updates are becoming cooler than ever!

Sims4 wasn’t the only game I was addicted to when I was a gamer in early 2022 – no – I loved Rome Total war and a Warhammer card game – I loved Bee swarm simulator on Roblox and other games on Roblox too, since I was a toddler I have been a gamer chick!

It was something I held in shame for most of my life, but around the end of 2021 I started to become proud of it and even thought about being a gamer on YouTube doing reviews because of free promotional stuff peeps get on there!

But then I started to try and get mature.

I don’t know why I wanted to do that, because giving up gaming is the only thing that I did – everything else about me is as immature as ever and I am not ashamed to consider myself one of life’s Peter Pan types.

On Twitter today I posted how I want to play Sims4 again today and how I want to eat popcorn and game all night and I really do – but it won’t actually happen… why?

My big gaming machine is downstairs in the living room and we only have heating down there for two hours a day and those two hours are around the time I would eat dinner approximately.  Henry has the habit these days whenever he sees me on that machine he either wants to play himself so I can’t enjoy my time on it – or he will try to control which games I play so he can observe or play with me through his laptop – so it’s never my time anymore!

I am starting to get back into the gaming mind-set for the last three days because Henry demanded I go on Facebook Trainstation to play with him for half an hour because he wants boosts and international trains from me to help him get an achievement.

I don’t particularly like Trainstation because its more or less the same all the time and I am bored of it, I got bored of it around five years ago.

But I have got roped into about an hour of that a day since the weekend and its boring – plus I am a little upset it is eating into the time for the only game I play these days which is FlightRising.

I play flightrising as my writing warm up exercise for about 45 to 90 minutes a day, thanks to Trainstation I am only there for ten minutes just to feed the dragons and turn their eggs and scavenge.

I am upset because I have projects I wanted to do on that; I wanted to gene up some of my baby nocturnes from the Night of the Nocturnes festival and level them all up to 25 in the coliseum to sell, because they are all 1^st generation babies, which makes them extra special to other gamers.

I can earn approximately 300k of treasure in game per day, but at this rate, with Henry’s demands for Train station, I am barely able to get 30k a day now.  Ordinarily that would mean I could splice a gene every two days, but now it could take a month!

I seem to be losing more and more ability to do what I want or need in every manner these days, even eat – it’s all so dumb – everything thing has been taken out of my control!

It’s not just Paul interfering anymore with what I do, it’s now Henry.

I can’t eat most of my dinners anymore, because it’s really stressful.  It’s stressful to sit at the dining table with my family, because of the arguments and when I get tense I can’t eat or I start purging, so oftentimes I am going hungry or eating in vain because I can’t keep it down!

Since Henry has been diagnosed with autism it’s like it has given Henry permission to completely revert back to being a toddler!

I go to the toilet and I am disturbed all the time, because he is demanding attention.  I wouldn’t mind, I would love to give him attention and get him off the laptop and talk with me – but he does it every time I go to the toilet – I am deaf, I can’t hear him through the door and when I finish he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.  This is starting to mess up my system if you get me?

Not that you needed to know that, but this is how highly stressed I am these days living here – I have stomach ache a lot and the only time I can relax toileting these days is after 1am when I know the whole house is going to be quiet and not disturb me!

It’s not right living like this and when I talk to people about their behaviour here, it gets vicious – it gets nasty, I just can’t talk to them anymore, they just won’t be civilised with each other or to me anymore!

I am severely depressed by it all because I feel so trapped here and I am!

I just can’t seem to do anything!

A simple thing like eating a meal, going to the toilet or playing a half hour game on my big machine can cause huge ructions and stress!

I am having nightmares about it – seriously!

The amounts of boring things I used to do day to day is actually becoming something like Ground Hog Day dreams at night time – so I am not getting any respite from reality lately.

I am waking up, thinking certain things have been done, to find they haven’t been – then the realisation it was just a dream starts to eat away at me and I start feeling hopeless and tearful again – because I was pretty sure I swept the stairs last night!

I was pretty sure we bought the new mop.

I was pretty sure the bad neighbour was seen moving out yesterday!

I am pretty sure I found my missing vampire files last night! 

It’s all really sending me around the twist now.

I really feel like I am descending into madness and everything is like déjà vu or repeating itself! 

Maybe I am already dead and I am trapped in limbo like my mum always said I would be, because I am not baptised and was born out of wedlock – I am after all, in her opinion “The Devil’s child” anyway! 

Thanks for reading and pray for my sanity please!

Femininity in the family

My feminine influences growing up!

I was raised by an unglamorous tom boy, who was never without her pair of jeans, white t-shirts or turtle necks under thick jumpers or oversized blouses, she preferred sandals to heels or trainers and she never wore make up and her hair was always cropped short and her nails were always bitten back and sore looking.

That thankfully, was not my only feminine reference growing up and I yearned for my mother to be more like her sisters or cousins, because the majority of my family oozed femininity – even my mum would say she was the black sheep of her family and to see her amongst her sisters and cousins in photo shoots you’d believe it!

I spent a lot of my childhood being shunted around – again, thankfully!  Because I grew to be influenced by other people about what it means to be a woman rather than taking guidance from my mother, which was practically non-existent!

What did my mother teach me about being a woman?  That women are always burdened upon and are doomed of having a life of sexual harassment and fighting for their rights on a constant basis.  That when you get married you have to train your husband  and she was being serious too!  She really believed these things!

She never wanted me to grow up and have a relationship or have children, but she did tell me if I were inclined to do so that I’d need to get a professional man who doesn’t want children and who is smaller than me and submissive!

Not on your Nellie, that’s not my type at all mum, sorry!

My influences were from women who insisted that just because you are married to a man it doesn’t mean you let yourself go, you know?  You have to keep a certain standard, you have to make an effort or then whose fault is it if they strayed?

Don’t bite your nails dear, put nice things in your hair and if you are not going to bother wearing make up at least make an effort to pinch your cheeks and wear lip gloss instead!

You want a nice man who will look after you, protect you and make you feel loved and safe and you want to be able to support him as much as you can and treat him like a king!

Hearing this being spouted to me at a young age, my mother’s reactions was often covering my ears up and giving short nasty criticisms to whoever was poisoning her daughter to become a man’s slave!

Shame on you!  Shame on the lot of you and to think where women have come from, only for stupid women like you to talk the next generation back a hundred years! 

Don’t you listen to them my girl, they are wrong; you don’t need that, you are better off far away from all of THAT!

That was my influence growing up and I still stick to my aunts and cousins concepts and steer well clear of my mother’s!

On my dad’s side of the family, up until the 90s it was quite common for the older generation to help you look for your husband if they knew you were leaning towards wanting a family at a young age.  My mother hated that about them – my grandmother knew when I was fifteen that I only wanted a career because my mother and big brother expected me to have one of their choosing, not my own.  But ultimately I wanted a large family and work from home either as a writer, designer or childminder. 

When I was seventeen my grandmother had found some nice young gentlemen to set me up with, but my mum got furious about it and it is one of the many reasons why mum decided never to speak to my dad’s mum again.

I had to listen to my mum, though I liked what gran was doing, because it’s been a thing I’ve wanted my whole life – a large traditional family.  Had I of started young, it would have been fun to see how many children I would have had by now!  I know a second cousin who is the baby of 17 and she too had 17 children of her own so large families are not uncommon in my family!

But I am forty now and only with one child and it really has never been my intention to have such a small family, fate was taken out of my hands.

It has left a deep hollow in me; it is something I have never accepted looking back in my life.  I am hugely envious of women who are running alive with kids!

I think I would have been healthier for it too, if I had got my way.  I don’t live for myself, I live for other people and when you have just one child and his father completely takes over and pushes your nose out of the way all the time, it makes you feel unwanted and useless – I think that’s why I got sick.

On my dad’s side of the family, they are feminine too, but they are a different kind of feminine than my mother’s side of the family.

My mother’s side of the family are very glamorous and are often mistaken for rich women.  The kind of women who feel naked without make up, stink of expensive perfume, wearing heels and have three inch long decorated nails with diamante on them.  One or two are unethical fur enthusiasts and all of them spend an hour on their hair a day!

Their focus is mostly to please their man, care for their looks, socialise with friends and then the children come somewhere after all that! 

My dad’s side of the family are the old fashioned but very maternal types.  To the women in that side of the family, it is you feed the man and take care of him when he is sick and support him in most of his endeavours if he is sensible, but outside of this you don’t dare come between a woman and her children!

The children come before everything after the basic care of the husband, the house cleaning is next, self-maintenance and then friends if you have the time – but as long as self-maintenance and friends doesn’t interfere with you becoming a good citizen, volunteering at charities and attending church or entertaining the elderly in nursing homes.

These women dress in simple country clothing, floral dresses with lace and mid shin and tend to wear pearls.

They also have the same ration ratio per family, the man gets the biggest portion, then the kids and the women tend to go hungry if they are poor or have meagre rations in comparison.

This is why almost all the women in that side of the family are gardeners, they grow most of their own food and have a “be prepared” attitude to life, as most of them were girl guides in their past!

They are the women who will eat left over from the day before or make soup from them, unlike my mother’s side of the family who seem to have a phobia of all food once it’s been opened or cooked!

As I was growing up, my mother’s family regarded me as an anomaly, because there I was a mere slip of a girl telling them what they can do to budget their food and how to save money.   Because I had learned it all by staying with my paternal relatives!

My dad’s family also taught things like sewing by hand, basketry and all sorts of things. 

Whereas my mother’s family knit only when they are past 50yrs of age and before then have no idea about darning socks and whatnot.

My family to onlookers would appear to be like Last of the summer wine ladies at tea Vs the Kardashians.  Or putting them as individuals my dad’s family as a whole woman would be Emma Thompson’s Karen from Love Actually vs Elizabeth Taylor.   Whereas my mum is more like Ellen Degeneres!

I like to consider this has made me more like Dolly Parton, well eventually lol!  She is like a good healthy mix of the two!

Anyway, those are my feminine influences according to how I was raised by my family and I have a lot of sprucing up to do, because being sick for so long has made me lazy.  I am looking forward to transitioning back to the old vain me again! 

Thank you for reading!

I hate silence

I have another victory within the home today, a small one.

I can now have music in my bedroom without relying on YouTube videos on the TV and I no longer need to work on a lagging laptop because Amazon music is on the background online.  Instead, Paul has agreed to surrender the living rooms Echo Dot to be taken upstairs as I am the only person who really listens to music.

This has already boosted my writing productivity hugely and it’s only been upstairs for two days now.

Music does a lot for me in regards to writing and doing art.

Music is in my soul, it’s a part of who I am.

Why did I get the victory?

Because I was watching a YouTube video with Paul the other day and they had a choose an item thing on the video about what your spirit guides want to tell you about why you are having obstacles or ill health in your life. 

The advice I got was, music is in your soul, sound leads your way, you do not do well in silence – music affects your health and your productivity, listen to the music that lifts you up and you will see a rapid change in your life!

I said to Paul – see, I told you, I need to buy an Echo Dot for up here, I think I will do that with my next allowance as I have seen them cheap online for £18.  He wouldn’t let me buy it, instead he said, have the one downstairs no one uses it but you anyway, I will bring it up here for you right away and lo and behold he did!  Instantaneously without waiting…. My goodness, something he did on the spur of the moment, a rare event!

I am so happy!

It’s only been two days and I have done more than I have for ages!

Also I am starting to read more too, because the break in the silence is making it feel less monotonous.

I hate silence, I have never been once to like pure silence – it actually gives me a headache!

Thanks for reading!

Doubtful future

This post has been a long time coming, but I held off thinking that things will improve – but no.  I am shocked by some things I have discovered today.

A lot of things going on behind my back.

I really need to get something off my chest – something heavy. 

If anyone really wants the best for me and to get to know me, please do not contact Paul about anything regarding me unless you are worried something bad has happened, OK?

It really isn’t a good idea, as there seems to be a lot of bitterness coming from him lately.  I know he will read this and I am expecting ramifications for it, but – just needed to get it out there.

The bitterness is affecting even the relationship with my son and my son has told me something recently and let’s just says I was shocked – very shocked, I never thought Paul was capable of saying things like that to anyone!  It’s just getting too tense no for me here! 

I don’t like to put my arguments online with anyone, but Paul is doing it behind my back so I have my side to tell too, but I won’t put it online – not all the nitty gritty like he seems happy to. 

I really do recommend emailing me or privately DM-ing me because I am being watched like a hawk these days. TheTardyCreative@gmail.com

I have no outlet, I have no one who talks to me regularly in private, I have no way in getting things off my hcest and I have no support system whatsoever.  Paul has.

So I am very alone in this and my story is not being heard properly. 

I have no family but Henry. I have a penpal but I can’t rely on her. There are two aunts I talk to from time to time and the only person I could turn to lives too far away to help and is a bit of a zealot. Other people live abroad, one I trust is in rehab.

Also Paul doesn’t have a day job, like he tells people he does!  You can’t take much at face value from him, sorry – now I sound vitriolic, but I live with him, you don’t!

I am in a very stuck and awkward situation, I can’t move out – there are issues as to why, debt being the major factor and health being another. 

I am on very shaky ground right now – I have no security and no outlet and no one to turn to – it’s very serious.

Anything can happen good or bad.  I don’t like being this vulnerable.  But this needs to be said.

I am very frightened on an emotional and a home security level right now – physical safety is assured, but I am very mentally vulnerable right now.

I just can’t see a way out of things at this moment in time.  I never saw Paul as toxic until recently, his behaviour is unwarranted because he is the one who rejected me, not vice versa.  He is being grossly unfair and this is why in the past two or three weeks I have been very open about what is going on between us.

Because I felt, he is getting the bad stuff out there about me, but no one is hearing my side. 

I think he felt too comfortable that he could get rid of me when he wanted, when it fell flat on its face he thought he could just turn back to me like nothing happened.  I would have been glad to have stayed in his life, if he had of been in the open relationship and told her it was open – but he chose to be vanilla with her and dump me.  That’s not forgivable.  Not when we lived together for years under the notion we will be secure with each other for as long as we need each other and potentially life long. 

I tolerated a lot of discomfort for the idea of a good solid and secure relationship for the trust to be broken over a whim of someone he met online but never met off it; Breaking up with me before he even saw the woman physically. 

Am I unreasonable?

I don’t think so.

That hurt me. 

His behaviour has changed dramatically, he talks to me like he is talking to Henry now and he has never sworn before, but he is sometimes losing his cool and starting to throw in the odd cuss now and again.  It’s not a pleasant environment. 

It’s affecting the whole house not just me – nobody can talk to each other much anymore because of the atmosphere.  I am a live and let live type, I plodder on doing what I always do and try to ignore things.  But it’s getting tense here, because he is in a permanent bad mood, throwing his weight around and finding civility awkward.  I am shutting myself in my room because of it, because I feel unwanted and because it’s cold. 

I need a drastic change in my life and fast. 

Thanks for reading.

It’s just not me

I like to be organised and tidy, but if you saw my home you would accuse me of not being honest about that!

The thing is, it’s true – however I am in a constant battle for space and living with people who do not pull their weight around the house.

A large part of my depression is due to the blockages in the house.  What do I mean by blockages?  Large piles of stuff in certain areas, literally blocking my access to books, files, art supplies etc at best it can take me around fifteen minutes to access something I want – I can’t just decide to fetch something and take it away and be immediately productive.  Sometimes the blockages are quite dangerous and have heavy stuff there, so I can’t access thing without inconveniencing Paul in helping me get to them. 

As time is going on, more of these blockages are occurring around the house in more areas that used to be mine and they are blocked by things that are not mine!

A simple idea of getting on the exercise bike needs fifteen minutes of preparation beforehand, because people have used it as a coat, hat and glove stand and used the seat as a place to pile books.

I fight hard to tidy things away, but other blockages means I can’t move some things from one place to another easily without causing another major blockage.  Paul is definitely reverting at a faster pace than usual to his pack rat past, because it is him who is causing these blockages and piles to occur!

Since we have decided to separate he isn’t even trying to stop himself anymore just to keep peace.

He doesn’t care how this affects my productivity in all areas of my life, he doesn’t care how this is actually affecting my independence around the house by accessing things – he just cares about his own convenience of stacking things!

It drives me around the bend, because I am quite OCD and particular about things.

But being the woman of the house, who gets tarred for how it all looks smells, etc?  Not the man I can tell you, not the kids… it’s always the woman’s fault!  That’s just society’s psychology.

If there is a woman in the house, she is the one to blame for how good or bad the house looks inside, she is the cleaner, she is the organiser, she is the one who gets the bad rep for the shittiness if she lives with slobs and happens to be sick!

It’s how I was raised, I was brainwashed by my mother than if I don’t get a handle on Paul quickly, visitors will think I am the dirty cow – I am the lazy woman who allows this to happen and I have to tell you it has always made me paranoid that people will think about me like that!

Because it really is not me!

You know I rebelled a couple of times living here – I actually decided to play them at their own game – throw wrappers on the floor without bothering to pick them up because I got pissed off.  Those wrappers stayed there for days until I got mad enough to literally knock myself out and clean the whole room over an eight hour period, only for the room to look similar a day or two later.

It is normal for people to leave used tissues anywhere they like and throw their wrappers on the floor if it is by the bin, it’s excusable to them – sorry, and for me it isn’t!

Was given the disgusting excuse of how ordinary poor folk live like this – I am sorry but they don’t!

I’ve lived with poorer people than this in the past and they certainly aren’t dirty or messy!

They have their pride, he doesn’t!

The kitchen is fully Paul’s abode, the kitchen is the most disgusting place in the house except for the tops of the units and that is only because I insist in a food preparation area Paul you’ve got to keep it clean!  In the past he didn’t care, I trained that out of him at least!

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because I can’t access my books and art supplies in Paul’s bedroom anymore because he has caused huge blockages – I can’t access half my crystals – I can’t access any art supplies except for a box of sharpies and inks – I can’t access my new laptop – I can’t access the memory files – I can’t get to two thirds of my writing files or my musical instruments – I can’t access the tin food cupboard or the plates if I am hungry when Paul is out – I am finding more and more things out of bounds!

The amount of things I have had I have given away to charity in charity bags of mine over the past few months in order to try and shift things to make room and still there is no more room.  He stacks things differently in a way it takes up more space and I am left in wonder as to how the fuck he managed to do that?

Paul has a very strange incomprehensible phobia of putting up shelves, to make space.  He tells me to put shelves on the walls will make the walls fall down – this is a stone house…

Doesn’t make sense to me!

All I know is, several times this week I have wanted to review previous works done and I can’t find them!  I have also wanted to do some more art, but I can’t access the stuff!

I am going crazy… you have no idea how much at this point right now I actually want to SCREAM!

I really feel like jumping up and down on the spot screaming and screaming and screaming because of it – I want to scream at Paul for it, I want to scream him into action.  But I won’t, because I am passive and I don’t like negativity and whenever I try to assert myself with Paul he screams and usually takes out the mess blame on my son, which in turn starts him screaming and hurting himself and the Paul feels better because everyone feels as shit as he does and he knows that it’s just a screaming match and nothing else will happen.

So he can sit easy for another few weeks until I blow up again!

I don’t leave my bedroom unless to eat anymore.

Around September, I think I gave up. I’ve hardly done anything, because what’s the point? I am using energy without seeing rewards! I vacuumed three days ago and cleared my own personal corner in the living room. But, you can hardly notice now. I saw a banana skin left on the 3 seater that Paul and Henry shares, took 3 hours of nagging to make them throw it away in an actual bin! I’d have done it myself, but there was a pile of junk in front of the sofa where it was and Henry was sitting at the other end blocking access and wouldn’t give me it!

The horrifying things I have found around the house when cleaning I can’t mention, due to humiliation and disgust! One major thing is I have weak lungs and we do have black mould, but Paul won’t help me with it. I cant have my arms above my head for prolonged periods due to black outs and its above the window. Paul just doesn’t care, I sometimes wonder if my depression and apathy is actually a sort of empathic soak and not really my own problems at all. I am like a sponge, I totally absorb the energy around me and reflect it back – when around the wrong people, I become the wrong sot of person, but quickly become a different person around different energies.

That’s me.

That’s life here. 

I hate it.

I hate it so much!

It’s not me to be like that, dirty, apathetic, depressed, giving up – it’s not me at all!

Thanks for reading.