Gypsies & cockneys

Today I want the gypsy look, a beautiful ruffled light brown skirt with gold coins sewn around it, a lacy crocheted camisole and beaded jewellery; big double circlet earrings, anklets and bangles and wedge heeled sandals.

That’s the look I’d like today, I have the skirt, but not the top, I have the shoes but not the style of jewellery.

Most of my jewellery has gone now.

My best crocheted light brown cardigan which had a sort of gypsy/Slavic style to it has lost some of its patterning with age and had to be thrown recently, that was a shame, it was my favourite summer cardigan, worn for comfort not warmth.

My hair would be styled with the curling tongs, that suits me a lot and makes me look like a porcelain doll, especially if I had make up to glamour myself up a bit better instead of making do with being a pasty natural thing.

I’ve always had a passion for the gypsy look, since I was a kid – well it’s in my blood, my grandma on mum’s side always said she’d half Romany and sent me to visit various locations where the gypsies lived to introduce me to them.  Two places mostly, a caravan in Portobello road is a distant cousin and there is a fairground ride repair place in Hendon, which are all apparently relatives of mine.

I miss Portobello road for lots of reasons, it’s a place I sorely miss since leaving London.  I visited it three times a year before I left London; I haven’t seen the place in almost fourteen years now.

The Cockney’s pie & mash shop there knows me well, saw me grow up – I often wonder if fourteen years is too long and maybe they’ve forgotten me, I hope not!  I hope they’ll remember me when I got back again someday, I hope the lady who runs it will be there again.

I was afraid just before Covid hit, there were rumours Cockneys pie & mash shop was going to close down due to a lack of custom, I hope not.  I have checked recently, they appear to still exist.

It’s one of the first things I want to do if I ever go back to London – have lunch at Cockneys!

Thanks for reading!

Hippy child & hedgehog invasion

A lazy day today, real lazy, I slept something like five hours longer than normal and didn’t realise the time at all when I woke up – it’s frustrating because I went to sleep four or five hours earlier than I normally do because I want to get into a new routine!  Ironic really!

Though I think I’ve caught the cold Paul and Henry has, as I am achy and bleh!

If I could dress however I wanted to today how would I?

A light cotton dress made useless by a hugely thick knee length fleece cardigan, white dress potentially and rainbow cardigan – I want to wear large beaded jewellery, so I would probably have three different length necklaces on, wooden beads with copper or brass and bracelets to match.

It’s not summer and it’s not a warm day, but I am crazy enough to wear sandals with this because I know I will be warm with that cardy. 

As lazy as I feel I’d actually make more effort with my hair today and have them done with curling tongs, so I have a cute but scruffy rainbow dolly look to me.

I may even do something I really love and wear one of my knitted plaits in my hair and maybe attach a couple of feathers to it.

Basically I want to look like a child from Peter Pan’s lost boys or like something that fell out of my all-time favourite TV series, The Tribe, today.

It’s an OK day to be gardening, dry at any rate – so I’d have probably have been out there today if it wasn’t for the bad neighbour.  Especially as I seem to have window trained a great tit to befriend me in the last few days, I have a feeling he’d actually sit on my lap or something if I were outside he doesn’t seem afraid of me when I am at the window and he has come up to look at me within 3 inches and I move and he doesn’t flinch.

As I said before, when it comes to wildlife, I am a bit of a Disney Princess.

Talking of which I had a dream last night that six hedgehogs came into the garden one after the other and walked into the house and wouldn’t leave and as I was trying to encourage them to get out, they hid.  When Paul felt that they can’t live in the house, he went to chase them out and as he did so they all slowly morphed into porcupines instead and aggressively tried to defend themselves from being man handled. 

Paul was so upset in the dream he phoned up a specialist to get rid of this very problem, the man came and said that the hedgehog/porcupine problem is down to him not remembering things for me and not taking care of me properly, so the porcupines are trying to fill in his duties.

Paul sarcastically said what like doing the washing up etc?  This made the entire four little baby porcupines become bigger than their largest parent and they all chased Paul – I don’t know what happened to Paul in the dream after that, but I was confused and went into the garden.

I nearly trod on a frog and the frog was sitting in a crack in the patio looking at me.  When the hedgehog/porcupine specialist came out into the garden and was on the phone to somebody – he then turned to me and said that someone special has arranged a party for me and that they are going to be coming soon.

I was confused because nobody visits us.

So, when people started letting themselves into my house to set up the party in the garden I was amazed to find loads of people there, mostly celebrities, like Queen, Whitesnake and a bunch of others.

I never did find Paul again in the dream.

I woke up when someone behind me kiss me on the cheek and cuddled me from behind, whilst Brian May was about to start on his guitar for me.

Weird dream, but fun!

I think that the hedgehogs is something to do with my inability to do art because of my art table being used for other things – hedgehogs are one of the main animals I tend to paint and draw with confidence.

Thanks for reading!

Raven warrior day

Today I feel like a warrior, the raven warrior I used to be.

I feel like dressing up in my old black clothes and wearing my raven feathered necklace and rethinking about designing that raven feather cloak I have always wanted to make.

I miss my gothic make-up today; I used to be a Goth as a teenager and into my mid-twenties – a big contrast to the semi-kawaii style I like these days.

I was the Gothic Jock type at school, but also sort of nerdy – because I was an A & B grade student mostly and I was teased for it some of the time, though I never flaunted it and tried to conceal my grades wherever possible – because in my family, nobody got grades like that it is a sort of anomaly, a weird thing which I held close to my heart in shame.

My dad and his side of the family was the only people I felt comfortable knowing my grades, because on dad’s side of the family there are teachers and government workers, so education is important to them and it’s not a cause for shame there.

But today, I am the raven warrior again – or at least it’s the first time in years I feel like she’s been awakened again.

At least I do have some black clothes, though no make-up – at least I can sort of feel like my old self again, in part. 

A black lace cami, a long black skirt, a back flowing shrug, black socks though ruined by pink diamonds, but you can’t have everything in this place.  It’s a cheerful day, despite the kind of poetry I am producing and despite looking mournful – to me it’s a brighter day in my heart.

I wonder why the raven spirit in me is so strong today?

I used to be called Raven Mother by some people in the past – sometimes The Raven Warrior – sometimes The Vampire – sometimes the warrior goddess  and I tried to get people to call me Raven but they didn’t do it, because I guess they didn’t like my sense of humour in being known as The Raven Lunatic, haha.

Some people have no sense of fun – in fact most, don’t.

I had lots of interesting nicknames before I moved in with Paul and every ounce of my identity in all of them has gone, you wouldn’t recognise me now from what I used to be.

I may have been abused badly in my past and mostly isolated – but to be honest I did still socialise on my mother’s terms and I did so more often than I do now I live with Paul.  I may have been living day to day scared for my life with violence and unpredictable people and living day to day with loss after loss – but strangely enough, I was happier then than I am now.  I still don’t understand it.

Maybe I was happy because of how many people used to visit?  Maybe I was happier because I was a lot richer back then and never had to wait months between necessary non-food purchases?  Maybe I was happier because I had more personal freedom around the home, even though I had copious amounts of duties and chores to do between them?

I don’t know.

As I said, I am still puzzled by it.

How can someone be so happy in a situation where day to day they are not sure if they would be alive by the end of the day?

Food for thought I guess?

Yet when I was in that situation I was desperate to get away because I was under so much stress, I often had black outs because things got too much for me and I had to constantly make excuses to non-family people about why I can’t be normal, why I can’t just take their invitation on the spur of a moment etc – because there was often a violent backlash if I did.  Not from them or from me, but if my mother found out she’d go nuts and literally hunt the person down.

So the raven took her flight and said “Nevermore” to that situation and came to live with Paul.

Thanks for reading…

Rock or metal? Whatever!

I feel like a vampire rock chick today, feel half gothic, half rock chick.

I have black jeans which is something but I want them ripped – not doing that to the pair I’ve got!

But I haven’t got what I really want today and that is a black jean jacket with red roses embroidered on it.  I have the white cami with a lace trim which is good, I can’t find my bike chain necklaces unfortunately or my SLAYER brooch and the box containing my heeled boots I bought a couple of years back but never wore is also lost!

I also had a box of cheap costume jewellery rings, again lost.

That’s the thing with this house; it tends to eat things and regurgitates them back up again a few months later in a sorry state usually!

I also haven’t got any decent make up; I want to wear red lipstick today and who the blazes has nicked my crimper?

I shouldn’t say rock chick really when I am listening to my vampire metal playlist – because the songs I am listening to are metal version of Vivaldi and O Fortuna with the occasional Marilyn Manson… don’t ask – just don’t ask!  It’s one of those days!

It’s also one of those days where I am concentrating a lot on vampires, dark poetry and general dark stuff and a little erotica with it too!

If I have days like these I must use it to those genres – I can’t force myself to focus on Project AD or Steampunk 1 when days like that happen – I have to go with my flow or to put it mildly, I will get fuck all done for ages!

And yes…. Seeing me head banging is productive because it gets me into the mood for a scene I want to write, lol – it’s that or I am banging  my head against the flipping writing desk!  Your choice!

Thanks for reading!

Spring fashion 2023?

I clearly don’t utilise the internet enough and I don’t think outside of the box much, in fact only recently I have learned how ignorant I actually am – no in fact, stupid is the word, stupid.

Before I got sick I would spend a fortune each month on fashion and gardening magazines just to keep up to date with both trends and the same for certain science magazines too.  It never occurred to me in the whole twenty six years I’ve had the internet that I can get this information for free online!

It has only been recently when I have been watching fashion trend videos on YouTube and reading money saving books from the library had I actually realised, I shouldn’t have been missing out in the past seven or eight years because lo and behold it’s online!  What a numpty I am!

I realised the other day when a friend shared on Twitter that Vogue and various magazines are on there as well as my favourite fashion brands etc. and I was like WOAH.  I thought it was all about fandoms and movie geeks, but no, there’s more to the net than that!

Yes I am definitely forty and finding this out so late in my life has made me feel older than my parents!

You didn’t believe me the other day when I said I might well be a nerd, but I am also the biggest airhead I know, did you?

So with that being said I am surprised a couple of my favourite colours are trending for this coming spring, thank goodness they are moving away from grey! 

Here is what I think of the main five main colours for the upcoming season;

Digital lavender, I love all shades of purple and this particular shade makes my bedroom look fashionable right now, which is a plus!  Though don’t tell anyone I haven’t painted the room in 11yrs!  Whoops!

I am excited to see luscious red up there on the list because the amount of clothing I have right now of this colour already, means I won’t look out of touch this year!  Especially since I have lost a lot of weight and oversized jacket and blazers are the rage now, so woo hoo, go me!

Sundial, I wouldn’t say that’s a spring colour though would you?  I’d say late summer autumn?  I have a lovely shrug like this and I personally wouldn’t wear that in spring.  Though Henry loves the colour and wants a tailored suit of this colour he has seen online recently, but we just can’t afford £200 for something like that!

Tranquil blue is a similar shade to many things I have too in my wardrobe, but I don’t think it suits me too much. 

Verdigris now I love this colour and I wished I could get my hands on more things that are this colour!

I don’t know what it is with me and squirrels but I have a Verdigris jumper with squirrels on it climbing a paisley tree – yikes, is paisley out? 

Now you see, the thing with me is – I like to watch the trends, but I don’t chase them and follow them, instead I find the joy in predicting the trends and making my own!

I stick with comfort and what I find is pretty, I am quite a critic when it comes to fashion. 

For example I predicted that grey is in for the long haul a few years ago and I was right about that it lasted nearly 3yrs in the area I lived in particular and unfortunately stone seemed to be getting popular too, well thankfully that was a short one!  I hate grey; it’s the ugliest colour in the world! 

Yellow is never a good colour to wear in the summer, insects are attracted to that colour so it is usually a late autumn and early winter colour for me, so I hope that they won’t transition yellows into the coming summer trend! 

I predict magenta and rose pink may be colours for the summer as well as cobalt blue and metallic like copper and perhaps white or black denim.  Just my thoughts!

Or wish list, who knows?

Though I like lime personally and orange needs a comeback, which I heard is currently trending?!

Now the idea of all those pockets is horrifying, that’s something I can’t find tasteful. 

It is typical that the low rise waist is fashionable when I don’t have the abs for it right now; I have wanted that in trend since I was in college!

As well as lace tank tops so I am seeing…

Oh and I have always loved sequins since I was a girl, there is a hint in which wrestler I am related to now you read that! 

Everybody loves the heart motifs so I am totally down with that, this is why I predict rose pink or magenta is coming up for the summer trends!

Today after writing this I feel in a black and pink mood with heart motifs and pink shiny bead piping!

But alas, I have nothing like it!

Thanks for reading!

I am everything or a rainbow

Above is a picture I took a few days ago – the lighting is not good and no its not filtered. Definitely seeing the weight loss in my face, in my opinion.

That’s face yoga for you!

I’d like to show another updated full-length picture of me but people are not patient with me when I need them to shoot me… I mean take my picture so I bought a full-length mirror – now I have to probably wait six months for Paul to put it up on the wall for me so I can shoot myself – I mean do selfies.

The other day I shared a dream about how I want to look and I told you all that I regard it with embarrassment a bit – that’s true, but what I failed to tell you all is that even with that I dither at times.

Most the time I want the platinum/white hair and to dress how I like in rainbows, fluff and pinks – but there is another side of me.

Sometimes, though not often, I want to be the strong looking athletic brunette with a long French plait, good toned arms, but stockier than the image I have about the platinum/white haired version of me.  Sometimes in the brunette form I have in my mind, I would wear a crown braid and I would mostly wear black jeans and a white tank top, everything toned. 

I like both ideas and I know which one is easier to become, it’s the secondary one.  I could never really shape or mould such a muscle dense body such as this into the body shape of the platinum/white haired dream.

However, the brunette version of me I only ever really think about once a week – so I don’t like it as much as I do the platinum/white version I have in mind, also the vampire/dark side in me prefers the brunette.

The purpose of the photo was to show you what I look like and what you think would suit me best?

Why did I mention this?  Because today is a brunette day – a big contrast to yesterday where for about half a day I wanted rainbow coloured hair, glittery make up and rainbow dungarees for some weird reason!

I think though it had something to do with the “Who am I” meditation I did, because one thing was clear to me in the meditation – I was the warm sun on a rainy sunny day and what happens on rainy warm sunny days like those?  Rainbows…

I felt both dark and light all at once, good and evil all at once and what do you get when you mix dark and light whilst holding crystals in your hand?  That’s right… rainbows!

So I am everything or a rainbow… I am still not very sure just of yet!

I didn’t share everything I said I was in my meditation yesterday as a lot I was embarrassed about – such as being a rainbow and other weird things like that! 

I very nearly cut out the sex but then I remembered that you all know I am a nympho anyway! 

I don’t think I can make up my mind what I want to look like between the two – my sensibilities tells me go with the one I want the most and think about the most and that would be the white/platinum me – but that is the hardest path to tread in moulding my body naturally.

I’ve mentioned before, in my adult life I find it hard to be lighter than 180 pounds because of muscle mass – I used to do weight lifting when I was younger I just can’t get below 180.  I gain muscle really fast and it is scary what I will look like if I hit the weights again – I really need one on one advice which I am hoping to start at the end of the month at the local gym.

It seems logical then to go with the secondary choice as I don’t think my body shape once I’ve reached my goal would suit a white/platinum woman in Barbiecore clothing, would it?

Oh I don’t know, this is exactly the reason why I was in the TPE lifestyle (total power exchange), the man in my life makes those decisions for me!  LOL

Thanks for reading

Blue spooky clown girl

I have a playlist for everything and some of my playlists are downright weird to people who walk in on me listening to them!

I regard my music tastes as more than just a little bit eclectic, I like songs or tunes from every genre, though my main focus is on rock and the 80s – those aren’t weird, those are permissible as relatively normal but my candyland playlist?  My lullaby playlist?  How about my end of the world playlist or the vampire playlist?  Yes, these are playlists I actually have!

Currently I have been stuck between the playlists of lullaby’s and circuses for the past two days, which is dangerous really because it is making me think of my fairground and circus stories, which have been put on the back bench for nearly three years and I really shouldn’t encourage it!

Because I should be concentrating on project AD and the lesbian steampunk more than anything else, which in turn, has their own playlists too!

But I am just in a spooky carnival, haunted circus and creepy fairground mood right now!

Coincidentally, today is a spooky day for me… in fashion I think I would find it hard not to be some kind of weird gothic/emo Pierrot today.  I feel like dressing primarily in white and royal blue and silver, but also feel like wearing a lot of strange make up which kind of turns me into some kind of weird silver blue clown – don’t ask why, I get days like these!

I don’t expect to make any sense!

LOL

But knowing me I’d hold back even if I could do it, because, you know… I find it boring explaining my every waking thought to people time and time again, when they ask me “why”?

People don’t accept it’s just a spooky Pierrot day, is all!

Which is funny really, because I initially woke up thinking it was definitely a white, cream, ivory, caramel or linen day, with an emphasis as always with something fluffy worn, with baggy white trousers or something.  But you know, in America I’d probably get shot for it or something.  Paul mentioned something about Labour Day.

Well anyway, I feel a mix of the two.

I do feel so tempted to go back to the spooky circus story though, it’s kind of connected to a short story I wrote on here a few years back called “Casey’s Crown” – not sure if it is still available on here or not – use the search bar and see! 

Thanks for reading!

Life of a cold dragon

Today I wished I had the stuff I need to wear cosmetics and dress up real nice – I don’t know why but today I woke up thinking, you know what?  I want to be a glamour queen today!

Instead however, because it’s Sunday and nobody is doing anything, I am just in scruffy lounge wear, wearing baggy pink fluffy cardigans and looking like I have just woke up – cuddling my cardigan to myself and wishing I had a different life!

Eating beef stew and a side of string beans, drinking a chocolate protein shake and wondering if that’s all I am having today?  It seems likely actually – I am not gaining any appetite and it’s been like this for weeks now!

Barely having more than 1200 calories on a good day – not good, not good at all!

However, I am flattening up a lot in the tummy area despite being disappointed by my triceps – I am very self-conscious about those actually… but I am trying my hardest to figure things out!

Still sticking to the two a day green tea with cinnamon and turmeric idea and freezing myself a bit to see if it all works – but it’s tough sitting around in the cold, when I like to be snug and warm and live in the temperature fit for a dragon!

I just need to think in a different dragon kind of way… an ice dragon… lol

I was raised in a household that from November the thermostat is permanently on 30c that’s 86F – since living with Paul our thermostat is set at 21.5c which is 70.7F and to me that’s always made the house too cold for me – but I am getting used to it.  My mum would always have windows opened with the thermostat that high too – totally insane, she was not the worst in the family – my maternal grandma was crazy enough to have the heating on in the height of summer!

So, is there any wonder then that Paul sees me as some kind of pampered fire dragon?

Though to be honest I hate it when it’s hotter than 24c/75f but I definitely hate it when it’s cooler than 21.5c/70.7f too!

All day long I have had this song stuck in my head “catch a falling star” by Perry Como – such a pretty song and I keep getting art ideas for it, but I don’t have supplies to make it and the art table is being used for something else these days which makes just doing art at random a chore, because I need to clear up for twenty minutes before I can do it – that also means move stuff from around the table, just so I can access it!

Going to be quiet from the 30^TH November to potentially the 3^rd December, because I have to be the one to sort the house out so we can have Christmas decorations up – if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done and there is a chance this house won’t have decorations at Christmas if I don’t!

Every year when I have to do this, I tend to get ill during or after I have finished the decorating because of the amount of dust that gets into the air with the old decorations and moving furniture around – because nobody helps me keep on top of things here!  I have a severe dust allergy and often get chest infections around this time! 

To boot, I have a bruised ankle and it hurts when I walk on it.

Paul puts the decorations away every year, but I have to put them up – this means that no decorations are cleaned before putting away, like they would have been if I had put them away – but sometimes the chest infection is so bad I am off my feet until late January!

Thanks for reading!

Sleek and grey

Today is a semi-masculine day for me, I feel like having a pixie cut or spiky hair and wearing a grey pinstripe suit, odd for me as I usually hate the colour grey, but I want a really nice sexy silky white top on that’s not a button up shirt, no, instead it has a slit down to the navel showing off cheeky cleavage.

I may feel masculine but I still want to feel sexy.

Though I feel masculine I still want to be glamorous and so I would probably have been wearing lots of make up today if I could have had it, particularly a dark red lipstick with a darker lip liner and Cleopatra eye make-up.

Shame I don’t have either the body, make up, the clothes or the style of hair to be like that today!

May have topped it off with a fedora too!

Happy reading!

It’s rainbow tardy day!

It’s a rainbow tardy day, I want to be surrounded by prisms and rainbows and I just can’t decide which colours to wear today so it’s almost anything I can find, which isn’t much in my wardrobe unfortunately!

I saw some really cool knee high rainbow stockings on Pinterest today, I so want them!  But they wouldn’t suit me, I have to hide my legs, I have hockey legs, or so gran called them!

I tried making a banner for free today on Canva, spent an hour trying to make it, for it to turn out wrong and I gave up!  Setting up YouTube by January may be another fail, unless I can get to grips with it.

I hope I can.

Happy reading!