I am so excited that I have lost another dress size!
In the UK I am a size 20 going into 18, I should be fully in the size 18 in about six weeks’ time – to the US I am a size 16 going into a 14 – which makes me about the same size as Oprah Winfrey, well Paul thinks I have similar shape to her only my waist is more defined – which really flattered me! Especially as I see myself more like June Shannon, Honey Boo Boos mum from ten years back every time I look in the mirror, but I have been suffering from body dysmorphia my whole life, so I can’t trust what I see!
I struggle at looking at pictures of myself because it makes me just cry, whether those pics were of me when I was thin or not, because to me, I am just hideous, even now when I look in the mirror I see no visible difference to how I am now vs two or three years ago!
But the scales and the clothing tells me something different, I am significantly different now – I wish my brain wouldn’t lie to me!
On a positive note, my nails are growing!
I had to unfortunately chop both index finger nails down though, because they were peeling and it looked ugly, don’t know why them and the right pinkie are doing that, so they have been cut down and I am trying to grow them, but it looks odd as all the other nails are half an inch long now!
I did a huge mistake in putting clear nail varnish on the other day, it is uncomfortable and irritating and I don’t have any nail varnish remover in the house until weekend!
I really must put up my stats again soon, been meaning to but keep forgetting and I am writing this at like 3am so it’s not convenient to wake Paul up so he can help me measure my stats, lol.
You can hardly tell I had alopecia now, though there is about a four or five inch thick strand of hair that stands up all on its own when I don’t wax it down, because that’s where the alopecia used to be, but my hair is nearly 2 inches longer than shoulder length nowadays, so it’s easy to hide now.
I am one shoe size bigger in the US – I am a 7 to 7.5 so in the US I am an 8 to 8.5!
If your grandma ever tells you that the bigger the woman’s foot is the less trouble she has in labour and the baby is likely to cannon ball out, please believe them! Worked for me!
Even if I did nearly break Paul’s finger with my death grip on his hand during labour, at least I didn’t scream like all the other wussy pussy mothers in the ward that night! I may have growled a little whilst chanting I love you and I want this baby almost seemingly demonically, maybe once roared when the midwife used the scratch and scrape to induce me, but I didn’t scream!
Paul’s finger was bruised for two months.
I often joked that next time he gets me pregnant I’ll get him a baseball mitt for protection! But that’s never happening now, so, lol!
Are you a mum who plays foosball with your son and it sets off your old carpal tunnel problem again?
You’re lucky, I envy you!
I unfortunately I am such a mum!
I am sulking and I want to play foosball and I want to play it now! Well, maybe not right now as it’s like 3:30am I am writing this and my son is in bed asleep… got to be reasonable don’t I?
Unfortunately the Christmas junk food has rattled my brain and I have no idea what to write for today’s post so I thought of the first thing that came into my head!
Now for the second thing that came into my head – this high protein diet is making my hair and nails grow faster than normal, in literally only six days my nails has grown as much as they would in three weeks! It’s so weird… I am not used to it, I am literally scratching my body to pieces as I am not used to it and typing is becoming fun and slippy…
I have gone through bouts of growing my nails before in the past, but it takes weeks, shocked they are this long and it’s been days!
I hope I don’t have a bout of anxiety, or they will go… though I am biting less and less these days since I have discovered a healthy obsession for solitaire card games and practising tarot.
Henry wants me to start painting them as they are nice and long-ish for me, but I won’t because I don’t like it. I prefer the French manicure look, personally, unfortunately I haven’t a clue whether those cuticles should be left alone or not. I believe they should be, as it is painful to do what my mother always taught me to, pushing them back after a soak in the bath and my skin is so sensitive the skin often splits under the pressure!
I am happy to say that my hair growth is getting better again too, the alopecia is almost growing out, unfortunately it makes me look a bit untamed in one area, but there is no bald patch anymore or fuzz, in fact there is now four inches of growth there – but as the rest of my hair is past shoulder length, it is noticeable a little and can stick up like an aerial or something if I don’t wax it down.
Today I wanted to post a pic of myself on Instagram but I refrained because I forgot how swollen I am because I was gifted chocolate that contained soy as a Christmas present and that means I am a whole dress size bigger with the swelling it causes. I am half thinking about either suffering it till it’s all gone as I love that chocolate, or just be grown up and give it to my son instead, so the swelling goes down again in three days?
My face swells making me look about fifty pounds heavier than I actually am whenever I eat soy or mustard, as well as my spleen and abdomen, it’s weird how it can happen in such a short space of time. There are times I absent-mindedly eat soy and the effects work within ten minutes and by thirty minutes I have to change out of my clothes because it all cuts into me and sometimes actually makes me bleed if I ignore it too long!
It’s like I’ve turned into a hulk woman or something… only less green…. Though saying that, sometimes I physically become sick over it all!
I have strict and painful rules from January, if I know there is soy or mustard in something I am not going to have it anymore, not even as a one off and that’s going to be so hard for me!
I love Heinz salad cream, I love Dijon mustard with sausages, I love Chinese food, I love nutty chocolates like Peanut M+Ms and Ferrero Roche and Nutella, oh my goodness do I have an absolute passion for Nutella!
I want a food scientist to make Dijon mustard without mustard…
I want Nutella without soy and Heinz Salad cream without mustard but taste authentically the same!
I feel a near Verruca Salt type tantrum coming on in fact…
“Don’t care how, I want it now”!
Trying to remind myself it is probably healthier this way, but it’s no comfort!
My idea of comfort is eating roast potatoes with ham, boiled egg and cheddar cheese with a hugely packed salad and doused in a tablespoon of Heinz Salad Cream, that’s comfort.
Or eating ham salad crusty rolls with the salad cream as a favorited lunch!
Comfort is also crispy crepes covered in Nutella and turned into a wrap with more Nutella on the top and a sprinkling of sliced almonds, icing sugar snow and whipped cream on the side.
Or trying to catch peanut M+Ms with your mouth annoying anyone sitting near you with being pelleted by the failures!
I haven’t done that in years…
It is also fudge and donuts too… yes for some weird reason they have soy in them as well!
Did I mention the washing machine broke down a few days before Christmas? We’re having to wash the clothes by hand like old Victorian washer women for about a month, as we can’t get one delivered until around the 17th January and that’s being bought on credit.
Paul confused me the other day, so I spent more than we could afford on non-credited gifts for Henry as he wasn’t clear, which made us slightly overdrawn – Paul doesn’t take responsibility for that, totally blames me, but he was the one who wasn’t clear. He was the one that made it sound like two things were already paid but in fact it was only one! Coincidentally this has meant that for two weeks I have no personal allowance, until the overdraft is paid back – which means my business plan on WordPress is delayed in the next payment and my gym membership has to be delayed by a month too.
Something similar happened once before a few years back, just as I planned to be constructive with our finances… my mother was the same, I am wondering if it’s not at all accidental if you get me?
That’s the thing with me, you talk in numbers I am easily muddled so you have to be clear with me, if you give me several numbers I get confused so it’s easy to mess with my head and make me feel like a fool and give me any old gibberish you like to be in the clear of any faults – it’s easy to take advantage of someone who isn’t very smart!
I think the delay is part of Paul being worried I am trying to knock weight off and find my inner vanity again, because I’d like to start dating around Easter time, maybe sooner if someone asks. Because I was told that I could potentially achieve my weight loss goal a month earlier than I thought with gymophobics if I maintained my protein diet as well.
I am joining the gym because I need support learning how to slim and tone down my upper arms because they are stubborn and I tend to bulk too much there, so I want to know what I am doing wrong! I don’t want 15 inch biceps, you know? No matter how tones they are! Well mine aren’t just saying…
I tried non weighted exercises at home with videos from YouTube, but still I am bulking – I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope I am not genetically made to look like a female boxer! To be honest, though I haven’t exercised since the end of the first week of December because of a chest infection, but I am getting better!
I already have what my grandmother referred to as hockey legs; don’t want boxer arms to go with that!
Though to be fair I’d rather be a muscular healthy woman than a big lardy one like I am now!
Because if I wear my scruffs, a thick woolly sweater and jeans and someone calls me fat in McDonalds I can do what I used to do in my early twenties, take the sweater off and fold it up looking at them in the eye, in my camisole and see them go white with how toned I am. They soon apologise and try to explain themselves usually self detrimentally!
I used to do weight lifting in my early twenties – but as I said, I don’t want to be bulky now. Back then I wanted to be like the pro-wrestler Chyna! She was my pin up idol, amongst Diana Dors, Kathleen Turner, Glen Close and Reggie Bennett… in fact my body is a little like the latter at the moment lol!
Just a little less toned and my waist is actually narrower or as Paul would say, more defined!
Seriously it’s just eight months of hard work that’s all I need for my idea of a perfect body!
Shame about my face and remember, the dentist hasn’t got back to me about those braces I wanted, because I have a tooth missing and there is a half gap, because it was a sticky out tooth that got damaged to its root. The braces will just close the gap after six months and my teeth are pretty much ok then.
I need to professionally dye my hair too as I am going white lol, it’s a trait in my family; we tend to be pure white by fifty!
Or do I embrace the natural change and pretend to be natural platinum eventually? Lol Because it really looks like I am going to be snow white all over, not the horrible grey some people go.
I used to have snow white platinum hair from baby to around six of seven years old, then for some reason I became brunette!
I was nicknamed The Angel of Burnt Oak and won local pageants and things.
I have a bit of a Barbiecore leaning, so perhaps I should wear it with pride? Don’t know!
With what I regard my waist being my best feature as well as my eyes and lips, I think I could eventually tone myself to be a nice Barbie doll, alright forget the age thing… I am sure I could manage it… lol… I am going to try!
Stupid probably… but… I’ll try!
Probably over optimistic, but I won’t know unless I try!
I have green eyes which makes me more special than Barbie as they are rarer!
Why did I confess about my supressed vanity and why do I seem so proud of it?
Because, it is a major part of my natural personality that got the hardest beatings and chastisements over the years, to me it feels like it was 50% of my personality and that since my suppressors took a hold on me – to get me out of the mind-set of it, it was like I have lived my whole life a lie.
I lived as my shadow self for too long, though many people feel that vanity is the shadow aspect in itself, maybe my mind is all muddled up – but to me, this is what came naturally to me and it is this what got moulded out of me.
I know a lot of people, my mother included will tell me that vanity is the shadow self, because vanity is a sin.
I don’t see how it’s a sin to make the most of what you have, why shouldn’t you adorn the precious body God gave you however you like? Why should you not worship God through your temple, which is your body and give thanks and honour him for a job well done?
Why is it more holy to hate yourself and live modestly about your looks or abilities, surely revelling in it all is the biggest form of gratitude to the creator?
I remember slaps across my face as a child when I actually used to have the guts to ask these questions to my mother!
“How dare you” she used to say as she’d drag me to the bathroom to wash my mouth with soap, literally!
To wash those dirty words out of my mouth, because I say something that can’t be redeemed, her long nails scratching the back of my throat as she washed my tongue deeply!
I hate Imperial Leather soap to this day!
All the women I admired growing up were the vain glamorous types, I always kind of screwed my nose up at the ordinary woman and lived in amazement at how much some women put the time into their looks above everything else.
I always wanted to be like that too, but I was only like that for two short years in my adult life before I moved in with Paul and about a year when I moved in with Paul – funnily enough the year before I became sick.
Its sods law that I want to get to grips with my true self now and I have long Covid alopecia which is ruining my idea of what great hair is! I have learned these things over the years, your hair is your crowning glory, and the thing that gets you judged the most; second to that are your shoulders, people look at your shoulders and your neck and judge your posture a lot! Thirdly to this is the clothing or accessories you choose to wear and it’s generally make up as the last thing people will notice about you.
Though going back to the clothing, people don’t look up and then down, they look down and go up, they judge you from your footwear. This is my experience in any case.
Your smile is another factor that probably comes before the cosmetic application judgement! Which is why I have a closed mouth smile, I am ashamed of my mouth.
My mouth is the most abused part of my body, my voice suppressed a lot, my mouth has had a lot of abuse – forced feedings, mouth wash outs, slapped across the face a lot, squeezed to keep silent, hand over my mouth, is it any wonder my throat chakra is hard to unblock?
So what is going on here, why is it vanity week?
Well it’s not intentionally vanity week – it’s just I am really working on my inner child in the past two or three weeks and it just so happens to coincide with a few of the self-therapies I am doing.
Waking up the true me, the unblocked me, the real me.
I want to take you all on a journey with me – weight loss and changing my image and I hope it will be fun for all of us!
I am not going to be happy until I can rock a pair of suspenders better than Dr Frank n Furter!
Just don’t think of me in them now huh, don’t want to have nightmares now do we?
For me one of the big things I hate about living here is the inability to get access to someone who can do household maintenance when it needs to be done, instead of having to wait years between projects! Our shower broke down in 2016 and I bought its replacement in 2018 and it still hasn’t been installed! I need my twice daily showers and twice weekly exfoliations!
I miss lathering myself in shea butter for an hour and then showering it off, the stretch marks were reduced a lot and it does a lot to help with cellulite, but you can’t get into a bath to wash it all off, ew!
I think my biggest goal since childhood was to have the confidence as well as the body to rock a velveteen cat suit too! One I’ve dreamt of designing since I was a nine! When I had the figure to wear something like that I didn’t have the guts!
Its really weird how since doing all this inner child stuff, I am seeing a lot of butterflies, dragonflies, caterpillars, flamingos, ibises and peacocks – all representatives of transformation, flamboyance, vibrancy, vanity and confidence.
I have been taking care of my body with a high protein diet, a little exercise per day and face yoga and I am seeing a major difference to my face and figure personally. I am starting to like myself a bit but I am thinking that’s a lot to do with the change in my mentality, thanks to that Mel Robbins technique I shared with you a couple of weeks back!
I am now able to plank for about one minute, which is impressive when you think that I struggled to hold a squat for fifteen seconds at Easter!
Six weeks ago I could only do ten reps of bicep curls without weights before needing a two minute break to continue to the full thirty reps – now I can do fifty reps off the bat without resting, though I am slightly out of breath by then.
My main focuses in toning up are my triceps area, as that is not a very nice part of my body, as well as my abs, because I look five months pregnant if I am being honest right now. The rest of the body seems to be doing itself naturally and appropriately, I don’t know why these two areas in particular are being stubborn!
The aim isn’t to become too muscular, but to tone it up and not be horribly flabby.
At the moment my arms look alien to the rest of my body, which is why I pose with them tightly behind my back, because I look like an ape… well I am an ape, all humans are… but you know what I mean!
So, I just want to be beautiful and feel good for it, I want to be in a position of belief when someone tells me I am beautiful. But I don’t want to be a mean cocky bitch about it like some women are.
I just want to wear what I want, feel great in it and be who I want to be, when I want to be it, instead of cringing and thinking I am making a fool of myself, or that people are going to think that two little boys are fighting up my skirt as I walk down the road!
Black and white abstract for me today, maybe diamond or dog tooth patterns if I had that type of clothing, but definitely black and white colours today.
I have been learning about the shape of my face this week and I am trying to sculpt it slimmer by using a method called “face yoga”; I am not blessed as I have a pear shape or inverted triangle shaped face.
The reason why I am starting to do exercise and beauty regimes behind Paul’s back is because he discourages a lot of it, only to be surprised at what I’ve done afterwards. So lately, things are going more underground here – or as underground as I could when you consider I am hardly ever alone.
I found out that a curled bob would suit my face, so I decided to use my curling tongs to do that – I’ve always had curling tongs but never used them as they were once an unwanted Christmas present.
My first attempt at curling my hair was a failure, because I remembered my mother’s advice about it and Paul learned what I was up to and immediately suggested that this hairstyle wouldn’t suit me and that I was doing it all wrong anyway!
My mother taught me when using these hair irons you have to keep your hair soaking wet and let the tongs burn into your hair until it dries into shape! YIKES! I never knew but this was hugely bad advice and probably an evil attempt of hers to make me look worse!
Paul was angry when he heard her advice reminisce by me as I was trying to do it after I washed my hair!
I was also upset that my hair wasn’t staying in shape, to which Paul advised again, you need to use hairspray, love.
I asked him how he knew all of this and he reminded me of his days when he was a glamor model photographer and so he knew what went on behind the scenes and picked up a lot along the way!
Paul didn’t look optimistic at my curly bob hairdo, but when it was done he was stunned and Henry just can’t stop touching my hair and hugging me since I’ve done it and I am trying to get into the habit of doing it daily.
I wanted to post a picture of it today, but I didn’t sleep well last night and I can’t get the puffiness out of my eyes, so maybe another day?
It definitely makes my face look less big and cumbersome and has made me look gentler.
I say curly bob, but my hair is about 3 inches longer than my jawline right now and I still have sticky up hair in the middle from the Long Covid alopecia, but never mind, though its less noticeable as the curls kind of hide it and I pin it down a bit with the spray.
I wished I could afford the money to go to a hairdresser and dye my hair, because I am developing large blocks of white! Though I’d love to go completely white, but I am forty years old and I just look too young for it right now – I don’t know, I am dithering about it really.
I also need make up, but I just can’t budget that right now, ho hum.
Especially as I have to force myself to save whatever I can because most of my clothes are way too big on me now and I need replacements ASAP, I think I am about a month away from having to go into credit to get clothes that actually fit me!
No other choice for me, sorry to say!
Paul is determined outside of writing and art that he doesn’t want me going out to work but I don’t really know why, he reckons it’s worry because I am sick too often. But I don’t really know beyond that, why he is so adamant about it.
But there you go, abstract black and white day with beautiful curly bob, and if my eyes weren’t so puffy, you’d have seen a pic of it!
Also, to be honest with you – my depression has been really bad, so a lot of the puffiness could be the crying I’ve done.
Anyway, stop those sympathetic awes and I will see you in my next post!
I am getting a little more confident in my looks recently, though I still have days again when I feel I am still hideous, but it is improving thanks to three things in particular.
I have had a front tooth removed recently and discovered that I am not too old for braces, this I have already shared, I haven’t got a date for the installation of my braces yet, but I was told it could be around six months’ time, to give me time to heal. This would give me a straight smile, because I had double sets of teeth and two were crooked.
I won’t have braces at the top of my jaw, only the bottom, because it is said to be lucky to have a gap in the teeth up there and it’s not much different to what Madonna had/has.
They say a woman who has a gap in her teeth is destined to become rich or famous. I don’t mind fame if my privacy is respected; but I do hate people who feel entitled to interfere with a celebrity’s life just because they have the wrong idea that just because a person is famous – they are owned by the world! That mind-set makes me angry and I am worried that I might be overly aggressive to the invasion of my privacy, especially as I am generally a gentle and loving person.
Though gentle, loving and nurturing I am also incredibly fierce about injustice, unfair treatment and inequality!
The second thing that has helped my confidence is that I accidentally discovered a large mark that was forming on my face wasn’t skin cancer or a mole, but was a horrible large wart and now that’s gone entirely! It was about the size of a twenty pence piece.
I accidentally got rid of it when I bought some aloe vera wipes to help me clean my face as I started to develop acne when I did a detox diet and noticed that the mark on my face was shrinking, so I continued doing these wipes for three months and it went entirely!
The third thing is thanks to the motivational speaker Mel Robbins when she suggested people who lack self-love and confidence, should high five themselves in the mirror and treat your reflection as a friend you love and who deserves kindness and respect. I thought it was baloney, but it’s strange seeing how my confidence has shifted a little and its only been four days now.
I am not confident with my hair because I have developed acute alopecia due to three things according to my GP, those are, my previous mental health problem of trichotillomania (self-hair pulling) that was pretty bad when I lived with my mother weakening the roots; a symptom of long covid and a hormonal imbalance of a woman who is potentially starting the perimenopause early. I don’t believe the latter, because other than hair problems I am OK with everything else.
So, as I said before, I am working on many things at once in my life.
I am feeling proud of myself and I will improve much more than this, I will make sure of it!
TardyCreative.com was named mainly because I realised that although I am a writer and I aspire to someday becoming a selling artist, I knew that I have other interests which can sometimes absorb me!
Especially interests regarding gardening, reading, pets and other matters close to the heart, such as the LGBTQ community and generally defining myself as a person, healing from abuse and having fun!
I had wanted this blog to become a broad outlook about me, this was never meant to be a professional blog in which I will sell my books, because to me, this is a personal blog. When I approach an agent with my work in the future, I will create a professional blog separate but connected to this.
This blog was purely intentionally made to share my life with people and my progressions in my life, including my progression as a creative.
I suffered a lot of abuse from controlling people who moulded me into becoming what THEY wanted; this blog was my attempt at showing the world that I am becoming who I want to become!
Unfortunately until this point, I have done so with some sense of shame and embarrassment.
I have not been confident enough in sharing photographs and things in too many depths, but I am learning to change and I am building confidence, slowly but surely!
Any idea that this was meant to be my actual “Professional” blog is wrong, this is a personal blog, and it always has been!
I am fine tuning myself in various ways in my life at a fast pace, because I am determined that my life really will start at forty, like the old adage says it does!
I need it to work, I need it to happen and I need to stop living in fear!
But ultimately, I need to learn to love myself, be happy in my own skin and I am not. But I am trying my best to change how I see myself and to learn to love the skin I am in!
I am going to be shouting loud and clear about who I am in up and coming posts, but I do not intend to preach and I do not intend to convert, my intentions are to purely and wholly be me, without shame and to share who I am to the world!
Because hardly anyone knows the real me, they just know the trained, tamed version of me that my mother and other abusers have made me into.
The boring me, the monochrome me, the quiet me, the me that is not me… basically. My shadow is more me than me!
So, as I fearfully crawl out of this rock, learning technology as I go my way, I am also learning not to fear being rejected for who I really am by the world I am creeping into!
Hello, I am The Tardy Creative, my real name is Tina, but that is going to change soon to something that is more me, it is something I have always intentionally wanted to do – change my real name.
So I will be forty in October, October the 3rd to be precise and I heard that life begins at forty and I really hope so for me!
I have struggled with two different and very clashing eating disorders in my life, both compulsive eating (when angry, stressed, feeling trapped and bullied) to anorexia and bulimia (when sad, grieving, depressed and sick). However, when I am relaxed and happy and enjoying life, I have been known to forget to eat because I am in the moment, whether or not that is anorexia or not, I don’t quite know, but it’s a funny thing with me!
I have body dysmorphia, I believe I am really hideous, so I don’t like to share images of myself – I am trying to change my perception of myself, by adding pictures of myself here soon and regularly. To see whether or not I am as hideous as I think or not!
Stupid in reflection, because social media is often cruel as it is sometimes kind!
Things most people don’t know about me, is that I am very bisexual or rather pansexual, if I find someone attractive and I get along with them, I will go into a relationship with them, whether man, woman or trans. I have dated Trans men before and ladies, but I was never open about it.
I am also shy about my own crossdressing forays. I love to dress as the young dandy of the late eighteenth century but I am also really into Bohemian and kawaii styles too, I am very eclectic and I live each day differently.
If I could have any magical power I suppose it would be transmogrification, so I can change my looks according to my feelings of the day!
I love to have long hair, but I have alopecia as well as mild trichotillomania (which is triggered when badly stressed or bullied) which is ruining my looks – I have thought about shaving my hair to a very short pixie cut or crew cut and wearing wigs, but I am frightened of doing that, in case of abuse and attack and becoming unattractive to new relationships in my life.
My alopecia is due to malnutrition as I have a digestive disease and pernicious anaemia where I am not able to absorb B vitamins and biotin in particular.
Despite not wearing makeup much and having a limited wardrobe, I am very fashion conscious and love the fashion industry and watching Vogue on YouTube etc. I have never been educated in how to use make-up by anyone, except the videos I see online; I am really quite a novice. I am not confident about knowing what I am doing and this too is something I want to change!
I am not known for wearing dresses, but I am getting into them these days! I never liked wearing trousers, but I did it because I was told to for so many years, that wearing them became a habit!
I always liked maxi-dresses and skirts and certain styles and colours and up until recently I have been mostly black (influenced as a perfect choice by my mother) and occasionally pink (chosen by Henry and Paul).
I like loud and bright looking clothing and I was told in order to wear bright garish clothing, I need to be a super confident, loud and garish person! If I am not that, then I will be humiliated by the public and picked on! So I have avoided it.
This too, will change!
I always felt that nobody is interested in somebody like me, no one wants to hear what someone like me wants to say – but as I am learning more about the social media, the more I have learned that you become who you are, share what you are and you will find your tribe, you will find others like you and the world will become smaller and more inclusive for you as an individual.
Gone are the days of true isolation.
This is why I want to harness using technology and social media, I need to find out for myself that I truly am not alone, that there are people out there just like me, who think like me and like the things I like too – that I am not a weird little thing that needs to be hidden in case it is destroyed by society, like I have always been told I am!
I have the right to exist how I want to exist, so does everybody! So I am going to fight for it and become exactly who I want to be!
You realise of course I am shitting brick as I am saying this? Because now I have told this to you all, I have to now actually act upon it… don’t I?
I am still going through the process of trying to define myself and I am not doing so with confidence, in fact, I feel like I am dragging myself along in a clueless manner and I am frightened of embarrassing myself, but I am trying to overcome that fear!
One of the major things is my self-image, how I look; because in my mind I am hideous!
I feel that my eyes are too squinty when I smile and I am embarrassed by that and that makes me feel a huge pang of guilt, because my eyes are an inheritance of my Singaporean and Vietnamese ancestors. Henry has also inherited these eyes.
I have always been bullied for my squinty eyes or my cunning, sly looking eyes and I have always been called a snake in the grass etc, before a person even knows me – because a lot of peoples first impressions are – those eyes look untrustworthy as they seem too stereotypical of those characters of cunning and sneakiness.
Even my own mother has hated my eyes for apparently having this ulterior motive undertone to them and she has often called me a sneaky girl because of it. Primarily because she knows it hurts, as people at school often point out my eyes and call them weird.
I love the colour of my eyes, but not the shape, I am very proud of having the almost rare green eyed gene.
Another thing I hate is my general face shape; it is an inverted triangle, one of the worst shapes in the world in my opinion, because no matter what your weight is, you will always have a fatter looking face!
I have never really got the hang of shaping my eyebrows either – I have never really had any feminine role-models to personally help me hone my self-preening skills. They have only been the people I could find with a similar face shape on YouTube, but no one to really guide me on a one to one personal level and I don’t feel confident enough to approach professionals, especially with my more than limited budget.
To make matters worse, I am suffering from malnutrition due to a digestive problem I have and this is starting to cause alopecia – which I am getting very self-conscious about. This digestive problem is making me lose a lot of weight and is making me eat only eight hundred calories a day on average, a good day I will eat as much as eighteen hundred calories in a day – this has meant in the past six months I am losing an average of two or three pounds a week!
Because of the weight loss and lack of money, I am struggling to buy clothes that look half decent on me, I have got used to wearing over-sized stuff, because I just can’t budget new clothes anymore!
I look a mess and so I have been dawdling about updating my latest profile pic, due to all of these embarrassing factors that are happening in my life!
I have also tried my best to use YouTube tips in putting make up on for the picture update – but I think I look like a clown!
So many people are curious as to what I look like now and I will show you two pictures! The first picture is of me in 2018 and the next picture is of me today (or rather when this post was written – 11th June 2022)!
In the 2018 picture, there is a large mark on my face which has now gone completely, it was a skin cancer scare – a scare, because it wasn’t that at all, but a wart, lol, its gone now! I found out by accident when I starting to clean my face with aloe vera and witch hazel daily, it faded within six weeks!
It’s likely I will lose another forty pounds between now and the emergency consultant assessment date.
Though its worrying Paul, I am taking advantage of it whilst I can by trying to make myself exercise and tone up the excessive skin I am getting because of it – because let’s tell the truth, I was obese in 2018 – I am thankful for that, because imagine what I would look like now if this happened and I wasn’t!
What makes matters worse is I have a history of eating disorders that the doctors are aware of, which makes them feel it could be self-inflicted again.
When I am sad and miserable, I don’t eat (and go into anorexia and bulimia quite easily).
When I am angry or stressed and under pressure I compulsively eat and occasionally become bulimic.
When life is OK or I am happy – I eat regularly but I nibble rather than eat good sized meals.
I also have a history of having aggressive feeder abusers, which made me obese – as well as my mother having the attitude of eat this or starve mentality with me to the extreme, basically if I refused to eat what she gave me, no matter what it was or how regular she was feeding me, she would then cut out food for the next day or make access to food difficult. What I mean is, if I didn’t finish everything on the plate, she would think that the next day I wouldn’t want anything either, sometimes mealtimes were timed, this meant I ate fast! This meant that my body had an unstable dietary schedule, which meant anything I did eat turned instantly to fat because it never knew when I would be made to starve again.
This stabilised for the first time in my life since living with Paul. I was also struggling to eat less calories than I was used to, when I used to be athletic and active. I needed an average of 3k calories a day sometimes 4.5k calories, otherwise I would black out due to not eating enough fuel. When I became sick and could no longer exercise the weight started to pile on again, though I was away from my mother’s influence and I had to relearn how to eat normal portions whilst becoming involuntarily sedentary due to sickness.
Thankfully living with Paul I was able to eat at my normal speed, which is actually very, very slow! I am always the last at the table to finish a meal!
When I ran away from my mother the last time in 2009 I was 305llbs in weight at 5ft 8!
When I broke from my mother entirely in 2013 I had exercised and dieted down to 190llbs at 5ft 8 and generally looked muscular and slightly chubby, but nothing near how I was!
In winter of 2014 I got badly sick with a chest infection that never really healed fully and other ailments came on, I started the steady process of gaining weight due to becoming sedentary.
By 2018 I became 258llbs due to becoming sedentary because of illness, but never eating any more than 2100 calories in one day.
Now I eat an average of 800 calories and twice a week 1500 calories and I am losing a steady 1 to 3 pound a week in weight, still sedentary due to sickness!
Paul is worried, but I understand from a medical point of view, it is also necessary though concerning.
The features I am most proud of are my eye colour and the fact that I have an unusually tiny waist, even for someone who is considered big! I also have strong looking legs that go all the way up! Some rude people call them hockey legs, but most men I have dated in the past reckon that my legs are one of my best features as well as my waist.
I have an hourglass shaped body.
I am not confident yet to show a full length picture, but I am working on getting this done by Christmas – when I would have no doubt lost a lot more weight due to sickness.
I am not deliberately starving myself – I just can’t physically eat more than half a sandwich worth of food without pain more than three times a day anymore and I don’t mean to make you all feel sick – but I can’t keep it down if I push more than that down myself.
I had to remove some cousins from my social media a few weeks ago who insinuated that it is bull-shit that I have an illness and this is happening to me, because in their opinion I must have had a secret bariatric surgery or something, because it shows all the signs – but no, I haven’t!
Unless I was kidnapped by body conscious aliens and had it done in my sleep one night, which I somehow doubt!
These are the main health concerns I am having recently, along with my neurological problems and my breathing issues which seem to hinting at COPD and MS, but we’re not clear yet to be honest!
So here are the photos below… enjoy… or not… but please keep negative comments to yourself!