The bliss that once was

Have you forgotten how to laugh?

How words fell out of mouths to bring joy not discontent

For the want of a light hearted time and prosperity

To throw away the darkness of a day and just forget

When did we lose our sense of humour?

When once we frivolously bantered in the want of fun

And nobody took it seriously, the words, mere words spoken by a jester because of sardonic irony

Never any real malice was its intent

And the sun shone bright back then, for we people forgave the attempt to alleviate

When did we all deviate from the light of the world?

When did our blood run cold to jocund distractions and bent ourselves up in anger and bitterness?

When will time show us what we have lost in pleasure?

Cautious to laugh as sacred joy has become a sin

It’s no use now, use it or lose it and we are nearly lost

Lost in the darkness, fearful to inject blithe reflections of the human state

Swamped in the sensitive depressions of those who have strayed from their souls too long

And together we will all stand in the shadows of our former selves

Unthinking, unfeeling and silent

Soon to forget the bliss that once was

Doubtful future

This post has been a long time coming, but I held off thinking that things will improve – but no.  I am shocked by some things I have discovered today.

A lot of things going on behind my back.

I really need to get something off my chest – something heavy. 

If anyone really wants the best for me and to get to know me, please do not contact Paul about anything regarding me unless you are worried something bad has happened, OK?

It really isn’t a good idea, as there seems to be a lot of bitterness coming from him lately.  I know he will read this and I am expecting ramifications for it, but – just needed to get it out there.

The bitterness is affecting even the relationship with my son and my son has told me something recently and let’s just says I was shocked – very shocked, I never thought Paul was capable of saying things like that to anyone!  It’s just getting too tense no for me here! 

I don’t like to put my arguments online with anyone, but Paul is doing it behind my back so I have my side to tell too, but I won’t put it online – not all the nitty gritty like he seems happy to. 

I really do recommend emailing me or privately DM-ing me because I am being watched like a hawk these days. TheTardyCreative@gmail.com

I have no outlet, I have no one who talks to me regularly in private, I have no way in getting things off my hcest and I have no support system whatsoever.  Paul has.

So I am very alone in this and my story is not being heard properly. 

I have no family but Henry. I have a penpal but I can’t rely on her. There are two aunts I talk to from time to time and the only person I could turn to lives too far away to help and is a bit of a zealot. Other people live abroad, one I trust is in rehab.

Also Paul doesn’t have a day job, like he tells people he does!  You can’t take much at face value from him, sorry – now I sound vitriolic, but I live with him, you don’t!

I am in a very stuck and awkward situation, I can’t move out – there are issues as to why, debt being the major factor and health being another. 

I am on very shaky ground right now – I have no security and no outlet and no one to turn to – it’s very serious.

Anything can happen good or bad.  I don’t like being this vulnerable.  But this needs to be said.

I am very frightened on an emotional and a home security level right now – physical safety is assured, but I am very mentally vulnerable right now.

I just can’t see a way out of things at this moment in time.  I never saw Paul as toxic until recently, his behaviour is unwarranted because he is the one who rejected me, not vice versa.  He is being grossly unfair and this is why in the past two or three weeks I have been very open about what is going on between us.

Because I felt, he is getting the bad stuff out there about me, but no one is hearing my side. 

I think he felt too comfortable that he could get rid of me when he wanted, when it fell flat on its face he thought he could just turn back to me like nothing happened.  I would have been glad to have stayed in his life, if he had of been in the open relationship and told her it was open – but he chose to be vanilla with her and dump me.  That’s not forgivable.  Not when we lived together for years under the notion we will be secure with each other for as long as we need each other and potentially life long. 

I tolerated a lot of discomfort for the idea of a good solid and secure relationship for the trust to be broken over a whim of someone he met online but never met off it; Breaking up with me before he even saw the woman physically. 

Am I unreasonable?

I don’t think so.

That hurt me. 

His behaviour has changed dramatically, he talks to me like he is talking to Henry now and he has never sworn before, but he is sometimes losing his cool and starting to throw in the odd cuss now and again.  It’s not a pleasant environment. 

It’s affecting the whole house not just me – nobody can talk to each other much anymore because of the atmosphere.  I am a live and let live type, I plodder on doing what I always do and try to ignore things.  But it’s getting tense here, because he is in a permanent bad mood, throwing his weight around and finding civility awkward.  I am shutting myself in my room because of it, because I feel unwanted and because it’s cold. 

I need a drastic change in my life and fast. 

Thanks for reading.

Toxic slurs

Jealousy is a poison that seeps deep within your soul

Dragging you into a hell of your own making without your control

So many times you speak with bitterness on your tongue

You hope that the words you vomit would have stung

But they bounce off me because they are lame

Because every sentence you speak to me, sounds the same

You whine like a baby who wants more candy

Drinking yourself into a stupor with more brandy

Slurring your vitriol and your contempt

I know fully well what is your intent

But its not working because my dear

I see your frustration and your tear

I feel pity for someone like you

Because you are a toxic old shrew

Why I smile when I am sad

Shame is a feeling I am familiar with

Anger is a feeling I have lived with

Envy is a feeling I still experience and share with shame

As with pride it is the same

I know all too well the crying game

As sadness rips my heart again

And bitterness takes control of me

Whilst I look at others in their glee as they glance and then look down on me

I have seen the cunning face of those people who will disgrace

My name my status my love and care, they enjoy it I swear, I swear

But they don’t know the love I have

The forgiveness I give when they’re bad

The joy I have when they say they are sorry

But not many do so it is a quarry

That many do not like to go and so they continue spreading woe

Because they can’t stand to be so deep

They’d rather forget and stay asleep

To the pain they cause and the harm and shame

They keep on repeating again and again

Some people learn and others don’t

Because it’s too hard so they won’t

But I have seen some better men

Who have changed their ways and turned to Zen

I have faith that not all is bad

This is why I smile when I am sad

Loneliness

Disappointment, I’m used to that

I don’t ask for much, but it seems like I ask for the world

A hot dinner eaten cold, sitting alone at a table because you no longer form part of this little unit anymore

They are making it blatantly obvious you aren’t wanted

Being consulted about nothing, only little shots here and there for an update, if I’m lucky

Conversation is too difficult for them, they don’t even try anymore

Yawn, looking forlorn, worn and tired of hearing you, even if you are friendly and chipper!

Good to know they find you so boring, good to know they are there to comfort you and it is good to know they aren’t spreading their toxicity to the child you share

Sarcasm comes easy these days

Teamwork is dead and gone

But I am told I am wrong, it’s not like that, I am just tired and I think I have a chill

But it’s been like that for weeks

Merry Christmas is just an ordinary day

Nothing changes, most things forgotten like candy canes, pigs in blankets, meat in the stuffing and old family rituals

Nobody cares anymore

Nothing is important

Everyone has given up

But I still try to keep things normal until I leave

But nobody else wants to

Yet I am not leaving because I want to, I am leaving because I am unwanted

Though he learned his mistake when my replacement turned out to be a fake

Hastiness is punishing him still

I have months of a life like this before I can go

Lots of the old shit I have to clean up before I can be free from this toxic environment

I can’t just up and leave, I have things to do first – pay the debts I suffered due to broken promises

Trying to keep this family together, warm, cool, clothed all on credit

I have to work on my health too, get myself fit for the only work I can do which will guarantee payment for me – trolley dolly; I am too deaf for telephone work now and too stupid for other things

This is why I am trying to let my creativity and daydreams pay my way through life soon

I never wanted to be alone

Never

But life is making me walk the lonely path

Doing everything alone

Like Rambo a lone soldier, battling the world against the odds and never getting love or comfort

That is too much to ask for it seems

Though don’t pity me, I suppose my lack of tolerance for the past is punishing me somehow

They were tests I failed and this is the booby prize for not living up to lower standards

I should have tolerated the abuse, at least I wouldn’t be alone

At least I could feign some kind of happy families now and again

Instead of living in a cesspit of toxicity and loneliness, with bitter people who don’t even try

Should have tolerated being their money pig and Tina the tea maker

Do this and that and cry yourself to sleep at night because you can’t get away and you can’t choose to be yourself, be an individual, that’s not allowed

But hey, go and cry with the people we let you talk to from time to time, they might cuddle you if you are lucky and they are sucker enough

Those times were better than now and it is a horrifying revelation

Things were fine before I got sick

I did it all

Living with an overprotective father figure who wouldn’t let me try and fight my ailments by allowing me to continue running the family

Go back to bed – slow down – go to sleep – just stop…

Stop…

So I stopped… for years I got worse

I tried every now and again to do things but it was always the same pattern

Slow down…. Go to bed… go to sleep… just stop…

Is there any wonder I wanted to stop completely?

I snuck exercises in when he wasn’t looking and was out of the house

Convinced I could turn things around and guess what?

I could

Just a little, but that little was a lot!

The resentment for my successes were in his eyes but not on his tongue

Feigning pride for me, but he looked hurt I was trying

Looked hurt that he might not be needed anymore

And in less than three months of my change, he was looking for someone new

But still he says… I don’t want to get rid of you

Ah but he did when he thought Emmie was real

That’s the deal

And it hurts still…

Naturally Glamorous

My weird contrasts are even astounding to me.

On the one hand, I am a hippy nature’s child running bare foot in the garden catching frogs, collecting snail shells and taking home pretty pebbles and rocks from the woodlands on my walks and making leaf nests and mud pies with children; then on the other hand I am spellbound by shinies, fluffies, heady scents and glamour!

Since I was very small I have struggled with who I want to be – which one do I want to be…  sugar and spice and all things nice Elizabeth Taylor… or up to my knees in mud with autumn leaves in my hair in dungarees Elle Mae Clampett?

All my life I have had people say to me unless I can make that decision, people will always think I have a split personality and mental problems and nobody is going to take me seriously either way!  I have to make a decision… I never could.

As I am getting older I am trying to define myself and narrow myself down, but these two basic personalities in me just can’t be cut away…

They are both too prominent, but I have to say Sugar and Spice is more neglected than the Natures child in me, because I never had anyone teach me how to wear makeup and style the hair appropriately.  I know how to spruce myself up nice when I need to, but I tend not to wear makeup unless I get offered one of those free make overs at a cosmetics store, which I used to go to often when I was on the dating scene.

So there are a few people in the world who doesn’t know that side of me.

I have to admit, that side of me is filled with guilt and shame, because nobody likes a vain person – nobody likes a show off!  Well not in the circles I’ve ran in.

I used to tell people, I don’t do it to show off, I do it to feel nice and happy in myself – but the kind of people I knew didn’t think I was telling the truth, they thought that I thought I was better than them!  I never did and never do – because quite personally, I think I am hideous!

The only thing that is ever going to change my mind about how pretty I am or not, is being on the front page of a big fashion magazine without any criticism headlined and that’s probably never going to happen!

Out of all the major Hollywood stars I saw on TV and in magazines growing up, the one that impressed me the most with her regality and beauty was Elizabeth Taylor and every Christmas on my present wish list is always at least one perfume from her brand, which I tend to get!

I look at stars today on TV and I wonder what has happened?  What has happened to the traditional glamourous woman?  There are less than ten major celebrity women that impress me these days and the one that impresses me the most is Lady Gaga, as she knows what real traditional glamour is!

Paul used to say I scare him, because when I become an author he is sure I’d be a best-seller and he is sure I am going to need to be like Roseanne Barr, where I have to buy a house just to store my clothes!

Does he actually know how little authors get?

I don’t think I will be that excessive, but I can see myself having good quality evening wear where they may need to be stored in a preserving way, like museum pieces.

But despite how much I love glitz and glamour, I find it morally difficult to justify the expense and this is where I have a lot of inner conflict!

I have a tremendous guilt conscience about money and being thought of as better than someone else – because it’s not me… I am nice, I don’t brag, I hate hurting people’s feelings, I genuinely care for people who I think are less fortunate and it hurts me to think that they often think so little of me in return. 

Because I have never always been this poor, I have said it in the past and it is true!

My grandmother comes from traditional aristocratic stock, she never liked how much I love costume jewellery, because to her, it is cheap tack – but to me, I liked how they shine and look – to me it’s not the cost it’s the look!

She never under understood that for me it is aesthetic not saleability when family falls on hard times!

She always said when you get the money, buy lots of high value gold and keep it in store as you never know when you will need it for a hard time! 

I collected a lot of junk in her opinion over the years and many of which I gave away to charity about four or five years ago as I felt I will never be well enough to ever spruce myself up again.  In fact, up until late last year, I really thought I’d be dead by 45 as I was getting sicker.

But I am getting a little better, though I am going through a health blip right now with a chest infection – it’s not as bad as it used to be!

I started talking about this subject because I found something I thought I had thrown away a long time ago, it was hiding in the back of a rarely opened drawer – a massive fake diamond ring, made of plastic but it’s on a cheap silver base and I mean it is massive!  It’s larger than a postage stamp. 

I wore it today and I felt very nostalgic and kind of sad.

I looked in the mirror whilst wearing it and that was a big mistake… instant fallen from grace feeling – I don’t often eat my feelings unless I am angry, as I am an angry eater… but today I ate my feelings of sadness with a mince pie and felt instant regret and shame.

Tried to cheer myself up with “Well it is Christmas”!

Didn’t work, sat my buns down on the bed, typing this up and hoping this time next year, I’d had reached my weight goal and I had reached my self-employment goal and I would feel a little like the old me again!

But who knows, maybe I’d have pulled my finger out and got a best-seller and got this weird 100k deal Paul imagines I’ll get!

Lol, yeah right…

So why do I hate talking about this sort of thing?  Because I have lived a very good life in the past and when people know you have money, the vultures come out or the people who hate you and guilt trip you into their sad stories or force you to believe that it is your duty as a wealthy person to donate 75% of your money! 

Not a lot of people will actually listen to well off people, about discrimination – because they sarcastically say “aw yeah, poor little rich girl”, so I have been made to feel ashamed of having better and it is hard not to feel guilt when talking about these things!  Especially since a lot of my former social circles have abandoned me and I am quite literally alone in the world, without people who understands me and my side of the coin! 

But in my experience, aristocrats and the wealthy are more discriminated than other types of people, but we can’t voice it, because nobody can believe we have a hard life too and most think, we deserve the shit we get!  But it’s all just spiteful jealousy.

Well I am like you now… good laugh isn’t it, bet you feel great about it, one less rich bitch to worry about?

It’s hard not to be bitter about this sort of thing!

Thanks for reading!