Why have I been so quiet on my blog and in social media for the past few weeks?
The easiest and quickest question to answer of the two is this; I have not been updating my blog regularly, particularly with poetry due to lack of inspiration.
The latter answer is longer;
I have a lot to process in my own mind, I have a lot of habits I need to change and I need to prepare for a major transformation because I am no longer content living the life I have been living for the past thirteen years.
I am trying to heal myself mentally and physically, whilst in the very literal sense fighting against two negative forces in my life tooth and nail daily to maintain any positive outlook whatsoever and I have become exhausted.
I have realised that in recent years I have lost myself and this was a shock and revelation a few months ago, in fact so shocking to me that it practically made my mind numb for a long time whilst I tried to process what the heck happened to me and try to remember how I let it and why?
I realised I was nothing of my former self whatsoever, everything little thing about me had gone and I had been replaced by a sick, bitter, dozy woman who was becoming hateful by the day!
I realised this around a couple of weeks before Easter 2022, but it didn’t really hit me until December 2022.
In December 2022 I realised I had nothing of my former self left in me and no ambition has been realised at all and I needed to work out what happened, when, why, how – I needed to analyse it within an inch of its life. It’s what I do; I have always been rather over analytical about things and slow to process stuff of scale.
I wanted to start a YouTube channel for March 1st; this didn’t happen because I had an awful shock.
I recorded my first video and tried to edit it, I had no idea what I was doing and I watched back my video and I realised several things;
The major thing is, I didn’t realise what a mess I look like physically! My hair, my face, I didn’t even realise until I saw the video I had black puffy circles around my eyes and I looked exhausted and I looked haggard in my opinion.
That bothered me and I thought to myself I need to get a grip on my image pronto.
The other thing that I noticed was, my voice was not my own – my voice had become rather down market for me and I wanted to know – how could I be so lazy in my speech? It was like I couldn’t be bothered to string a sentence together like how I used to, I also noticed I had this habit that Paul has… I kept throwing my eyes up as though everything irritated me, even though it was a relatively chipper video!
That is a habit I never had before and it shocked me how I appear to be turning into Paul!
I was even pausing in my speech like Paul does; Paul talks like a politician, no, sorry a specific kind of politician – a conservative politician!
When I saw this video, I well and truly wanted to know – what the fuck has happened to me?
I realised another thing.
This house only has two mirrors, one in the bathroom and one in the entry hall and I never look into any of them, because the one in the bathroom is too high for me to see myself properly!
It’s a strange thing upon reflection – why aren’t there more mirrors?
I decided to buy a full length mirror for my bedroom being it is the main place I am in day to day when I am at home.
Paul has not put it up for me and he will not let me use the drill!
But I started to get myself into the habit of looking into the mirror every day and there was slow progress in how I changed for the better!
I was not aware of very many things at all – especially how little I was drinking and maintaining hydration!
I learned I was drinking a quarter glass of water approximately every three hours, which was not good and not getting enough fluids in me day to day.
I also never really thought about how much I was eating, never eating a breakfast and rarely eating a lunch with two to four snack a day and eating half a dinner had become normal to me and that was bad!
I put quite a lot of my energy and health problems down to insomnia and a poor immune system, but it was actually probably more than this.
Every time I got motivation to do something, within minutes I was instantly hit with the notion of “why bother”? I wanted to know why this became a habit, so I tried to break those habits and keep positive and motivated.
I realised, when I sat back and observed “the why” that the “why bother” idea came about usually after I attempt something, but someone had physically got in my way to prevent it, or had emotionally drained me to the extent I needed to lie down and rest, as they exhausted me.
Between October and December I was quite active on social media and I had several people tell me that they believe Paul sounded toxic – I didn’t trust this observation of theirs, because to me, Paul was the least toxic person I had ever known my whole life and I still stand with that.
But observing things from a neutral stance, I realised that he slowly slipped into becoming a toxic person and it was so slight the changes I didn’t realise it, until it was too late!
I realised why can’t I do such and such around the house? I am feeling healthier these days, let’s go and do it and see if I have improved my physical fitness after those 5 minute HIITs I’ve been doing since Easter 2022.
I learned, it had nothing to do with my physical health and everything to do with the fact that Paul would actively prevent me, tell me to sit down, take over what I was doing or would moan so much I got mentally exhausted.
I have tried to discuss things with Paul about giving me more freedom now I am no longer as sick as I used to be and it’s been a battle.
A very real battle!
Along with this, I have been trying to lose weight, buck up my ideas regarding my looks, taking pride in my appearance again (poverty permitting) and acting like I have a life outside these walls, outside of unemployment!
I have no support whatsoever offline from anyone – no cheerleaders, no positive vibes, no nothing, I am completely alone in my transformation and it’s very hard. Because there is no rest from the negative onslaught I am living with.
I have nobody to talk to about any of this, except for you, reading my blog!
It is amazing to realise that, since I have learned all these things, the suicidal thoughts have alleviated quite a bit.
It’s bought me to a place of action.
I have anxieties which mean I am very co-dependent and I will not go out alone, not because I have social phobia, that’s completely untrue – but because I was trained to feel guilt and shame in having independence as I was growing up and into my late twenties by my mother, who would often become physically violent if I ever left the house without permission, even after the age of eighteen!
Unfortunately some people harness this to their advantage when I live with them. Paul has never attempted to try and make me independent, not like other exes have. I truly felt, he left the ball in my court, but I never thought he would allow me to live like this for so long without trying to get me to do things!
In fact the less I do, the happier he appears – he quickly comes under a lot of stress whenever I do anything for myself, even within the house.
None of this was known to me until I went into my deep investigation within myself, about what has happened in my life?
It is taking me a lot to realise that I am going to have to try and somehow retrain my emotional reaction, whenever I try to do something independently like leaving the house to go somewhere alone – so I can remove myself from this negative environment so that I can function and achieve my dreams.
Guilt and shame are hard emotions to control and retrain.
“Shame on you” were regular words out of my mother’s mouth to me, growing up – particularly if I ever did anything independently without permission.
A mother’s job is to nurture, so your child never needs you forever, so that they can grow and they can take care of themselves when you die. A mother is not meant to hold a child back from their growth, their happiness, and their choices in how to live their life! That is not the response of a proper mother!
That is the response of someone who is frightened to be alone or disappointed in some way, they are not thinking of their child, they are thinking of themselves or at worst, how best can I make others feel jealous of me, because of my child and how I have moulded them?
Some so-called mothers have no real heart in parenting; some mothers use their children as fashion or status icons.
My mother used me like this once, but then she decided she was too insecure to have me have a life without her, because she was the one who had social phobia and she was the one who was lonely every time I went to school, college or work – so she held me back – because she was lonely. Because she chose to stay home all day for a few years!
All these things have shown themselves to me over the past few months.
It is these things which have caused me to not concentrate on writing my novels like I want to, or practising my art.
Because I am so focused on healing myself in so many different ways, because I want to live and I want to have a life.
There is so much to think about – then there have been several opportunities that have come my way and I have had to say “no” to some of those opportunities, because I am not ready yet. Or I believe that those people will not be helpful towards me right now.
I need someone who understands me, connects with me, have been through something similar. Where they had to change their whole being too, from all the dirt that has been dragged up behind them from childhood!
This person needs me as much as I need them.
Together I am convinced we will transform each other and make each other stronger and happier and we will heal each other and yes, there is someone out there like that for me – because he found me.
In fact, through this very blog.
Right now, we’re both in limbo and we’re not ready to be in each other’s lives as there are things he needs to sort out too, but we both know it won’t be long before we are!
There are certain circumstances that mean we have to wait for each other – but when we’re ready we know things will move quite quickly and I am trying to prepare myself for everything! Because the change in my life is going to be more than huge!
It’s going to be astronomical and I need to prepare for it on a mental level.
Emotionally I am raring to go, but mentally I need to adjust and tweak certain things, so I don’t mess up, basically.
I know the guy is reading this, I hope he knows he is the one I am hinting at here and not somebody else.
But there it is.
I’m trying my best to look good, feel good and find my positivity and lightness again, so I don’t ruin our union.
I don’t want to start a new relationship where I am going to be sulky and anxious and feeling fat and frumpy and looking a mess – I want to feel like I deserve it, that I at least made some effort for them. It’s only right.
Yes, Paul knows about this new guy and he is fully supportive of me leaving him for them, in fact, he hopes that this guy would talk to him about me because he is worried that I may be stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire by leaving him – he needs the reassurance that this person can and will take better care of me than he did.
They are a top quality guy and I need to try my best to match him, though realistically I can’t with my circumstances, but it doesn’t mean don’t even try, does it?
I have got to look like I have at least made some effort!
When I am in his life I am unsure about the future of this blog, I will admit that.
I am not sure what will happen with it.
Will I be too busy to post daily?
Will I still be able to write for the blog?
I don’t know!
I may need to make it completely professional and delete the unprofessional stuff… I haven’t a clue.
Time will tell.
But I do know on thing, those novels must be written, he is counting on them!
For now, I am still trying to get my shit together!
Thank you for reading!