Since 2017 the idea of me getting out of bed and being eager to write anything towards a novel first thing has been a laughable notion; I used to be like that every day, but not since then.
Before September 2022 I would write approximately 1500 to 3k words a time, approximately 3 times a week sometimes more, but since September that too has been a laughable notion.
Yet there it is, several times this week I have done some creative work almost daily, though mostly drawing, but today was different.
I woke up with the enthusiasm to write and I wrote for nearly two hours and although it was only just under 2k words in that time, painfully slow in comparison to past efforts – it made me feel accomplished in some way and that perhaps I am getting my mojo back again?
Though the story I wrote towards was a project known here as Steampunk 2, I haven’t thought about this story for a long time, in fact it was last mentioned in a post here dated 3rd July 2022 and that was probably the last time I did any thinking about it!
I have no idea why I woke up and immediately thought about that project, usually ideas stew in my mind for days before I get around writing things down, but not today – this was an instant!
I am still unsure why, but it doesn’t matter – the thing is, I did it! I wrote like how I used to years ago, woke up with energy and enthusiasm to do so and I did it!
I think the idea of forcing myself to concentrate on a particular project just because, could be the reason why I may not want to write it. I have pressurised myself and before I moved out of my parents’ house, I never did that. I never pressured myself into saying oh well; I have written five chapters to project such and such I must do so again tomorrow! I never did that, I skipped from one thing to another quite merrily and was very productive back then!
I think I’ve been too influenced by the scientific and orderly mind of Paul in this regard, because he has been the one to convince me to only concentrate on one maybe three projects a time, not all seventy odd!
So I kind of developed an element of guilt behind it wanting to write outside my planned five main projects.
I decided three wasn’t enough for me, I needed five. That didn’t make me anymore productive either.
So, now I am going back to the idea that any work on any day is good work as it is towards something – no work in one day because I don’t want to focus on one of five ideas is unacceptable to me.
You know what? Last week I wanted to start writing towards a horror story that’s been in my head for two years and I didn’t knuckle down to do it, because it wasn’t my main five projects. I had this guilt complex of writing towards that story, because I should be working on ABCD or E – you get the idea?
So I spent just 45 minutes half-heartedly writing towards project AD and the quality in my work was terrible! In fact I feel like deleting last week’s work!
But if I had of written towards that horror I know I would have got 2 or even 3k done that day, because there were a few things I wanted to write about in that story and I was in the mood for it.
Guilt stopped me.
I am being disloyal to my main five projects I felt!
I am not going to do this anymore!
I believe the universe was talking to me directly tonight because I was reading a book called “Tate – brief lessons in creativity” and they reckon that every creative has their own process and when they deviate from it, they become naff or blocked. It’s not 100% quoted accurately, but the gist is there!
Today I decided to do whatever I feel like from now onwards and today has been the most productive writing day I’ve had since 2017 in my opinion!
I noticed my poetry is becoming difficult for me, because I am trying to push myself to create at least one poem a day to keep the blog alive. But that’s not working anymore for me!
I am putting myself into a poetry block mind-set and my creative brain is rebelling by thinking about other things – like art where I don’t restrict myself and I have even caught myself dancing and moving my body more and doing wacky things (which is normal for me anyway) only I think about random lyrical lines I am making up as I go along but it’s all freestyle and unrecorded. Then I realised, it’s a kind of performance art this!
Once again I felt the universe was talking to me, because it was at this time I saw an advertisement for a performance art show being performed at The Belgrade theatre called “Drive your plow over the bones of the dead”; where it is apparently dance, poetry, acting and all sorts of things in one show. I don’t know much about it, but it kind of spoke to me and I would like to see the show some day – though I probably won’t get the opportunity to!
My brain doesn’t like limitations, so it’s removing me from what it sees as harmful creative pursuits and setting me free in others I don’t overthink too much!
When I start overthinking and when I start making rules, I block those pursuits too… I think I am learning a lot about myself lately!
There are many things I would like to write for my blog but I worry about how chaotic it may appear to my readers.
Abstract thoughts, descriptions, no real story, no real poetry either; just words thrown together almost lyrically with descriptions of random acts and I sit back and wonder – what am I doing? What is this called? Overthinking again… then I block myself and I delete what I have done because I become embarrassed.
It’s odd, nobody will get it, I think to myself.
This is the true reason behind my procrastination – the reality is, I am doing things but I am destroying them no soon as I have done them, because I think the world will find it strange or unfathomable.
Like I have lost my mind and lost in thought and dribbling on with different words, to the extent I appear to be talking gobbledygook and as though I’ve lost the plot entirely… men in white coats will be coming for you soon – echoes Paul, who also doesn’t really grasp what I do at times! But then again, he doesn’t grasp creative people as a whole, does he? Being a scientist and all that!
Then I think – what the heck… should I take a risk and publish it?
I never really know for sure… but I think I will risk it soon!
Thanks for reading!