I come from

I come from the smoky rooms of former North London cottages

A place where, as time goes by becomes more urbanised and exotic as does its people

A close peaceful community nudged out by hordes of shoppers, losing your family in the chaotic crowds as the familiar becomes ever increasingly strange

The cosy smells of fish and chips, apples, fruit and wool, overtaken by spice and petrol as new buildings pop up like toadstools in the night

The meadows I played on with dogs and cousins too polluted now, the solution?  More pollution of course, another hundred toadstools pop up to house more strangers, till the village is devoured by the ever starving beast called London

I come from the gossiping nurses and the nagging sheet metal workers, sitting around smoking their money and complaining that making it is too hard!

The smell of bleach stuns your senses and makes your eyes bleed but at least it’s clean

Helicopters sing you lullabies as you fall asleep and police sirens wake you up the next day

I come from neighbours leaning over your fence, giving you gardening advice and cake and eventually curry!

Stray dogs chasing loose cats and getting run over by milk carts

Pigeons swamping the garden pecking at stale bread and the last lizard I’ll ever see gets taken by a fat crow, falling down roof tiles and into a gutter unceremoniously

I come from two sides of a road that society says shouldn’t be crossed

But here I am and I am me and both sides are equally mine

I come from sugar, fat and bread, fizzy drinks and tea

Pure white walls broken by ivory and chrome

Vacuums replaced yearly due to overuse and the bigger the telly the more kudos to you!

I come from a large garden, a sanctuary and au pair

I come from fashion critics, jealousy and violence

In books I hid myself in multiple worlds so that it could never touch me

So I would be free to be me and not them

Finding my own way to a new place

A place that is more like me

It is lost forever now, that place, where I come from.

Project AD and art

Tonight I have done some art for the first time in ages, sitting on the bed, giving up the idea of using my art table and I did a small A5 page of ink abstract drawings with some metallic inks; it made a nice effect and I plan to use it as part of a collage later on in the week.

I am writing this on the 18^th February around 3am in the morning, but it is likely not going to be posted until Sunday afternoon because there are a lot of things being posted here between now and then.

I decided to do this because I am reading a book about getting back into the habit of doing art and being a creative person again, because I am tired of obstacles.

I know it’s messy to paint on the bed, but I have very little choice as the only room I can guarantee will be exactly how I want it to be is my bedroom, since Paul has been put into the spare room and I am fierce like a cave bear about what goes in and out of my room now!

There is a little area in my room that if I got rid of a small cabinet and a footstool, I could put an art table there and paint there instead, but Paul told me not to buy anymore furniture because it seems likely in his mind that I won’t be here for long anyway.  He seems sure there is some mysterious man ready to sweep me off my feet, but I’ve told him stop being ridiculous, who’d want someone like me and why would they tell you and your friends and not me, eh?

It’s getting rather silly; Paul is getting obsessed with the idea.

There is enough room for an art table there, good light too – I could get one.

I told him I am getting the table in March if this mysterious man hasn’t turned up by then.

Paul is angry about that for some reason.

I don’t see how – I have after all promised everybody I would start a home business or art business by the end of this spring, is there any wonder I’d want to do this now?

I promised myself by the end of spring 2023 I would start my business up so I can get us out of this poverty as I am not sitting on my arse anymore, just having handouts – especially when I am not as sick as I used be!  Paul is not very supportive of this at all!

I have a lot of art projects I want to do – namely practise for Project AD as I want to do the art for it as I can clearly visualise exactly how I want those characters to look.

I am upset because earlier this week I found a movie trailer on YouTube called “Shimmy, the first monkey king” and I thought Oh no, one of the main supporting characters in my project has to be changed.  It was a small tamarind monkey girl called Shimmy, I thought – people would say she’s a rip off!  She was called Shimmy, because in Italian Scimmia (pronounced shimmy ah) means monkey and it was also in memory of a cousin of mine who loved to shimmy, but she died aged 16.

She was going to be a girlfriend to an inventor ape which assists the main character in his lair with gadgets and weapons etc.

She was so cute too – she would go “Ooh shimmy” and shimmy sometimes and she was going to wear a pink glittery dress and have really cool hair.

Things like this happen a lot over the years and it upsets me and makes me feel like I would be seen as a fraud if I ignore little things like this and just carried on anyway.

Paul is also kind of trying to make me self-conscious about a pack of dogs in my story too, which in his mind seem to have very similar personalities to another movie coming out called “Strays”.  I said, I doubt it, my dogs are child friendly!

Anyway, so that’s what’s going on here right now…

Thanks for reading!

Universe is throwing things at me

In some dreams, quite abruptly and aggressively too!

But they are nice and useful things.

For the past three months I have been having a dream regularly, its main themes are quite repetitive and they are very odd and not like my usual dreams.

You all have read before about my dreams about neglected found babies turning into food right?  Well there has been another repeating dream which is less disturbing.

This dream is where I am often eating in the dining room of my parents’ house in North London but I can’t finish what I am eating because there is some kind of chore I need to do in their garden, usually putting pets back into their pens or hutches, bringing the dog in or feeding a pet.  But just as I open the door a huge earthquake or sometimes thunderstorm occurs and I am forced out into it, because the animals aren’t safe out there! 

Usually the animals were fine and I found that I didn’t need to do anything at all, because my parents were wrong that they were out of their enclosures or that they had nothing to eat or drink – sometimes I discover that the animals are severely neglected or have out bred their enclosures and I am worried what to do, it changes from dream to dream.

Sometimes in these dreams I am still in my parents’ house and garden, but I live there with Paul and Henry and I argue with Paul about the state of the animals and in the dreams with Paul sometimes those animals are killed by the flood of the storm or have run into a neighbours garden that has a vicious dog, or their enclosures have fallen into the garden pond somehow.

But the main thing that stands out from these dreams is the fact that when the storm stops suddenly, it brightens up into clear blue skies quickly and that sky melts away quickly too, the entire atmosphere has gone and we are exposed to seeing the universe right before our eyes.   Big planets, the moon, the stars, seen very clearly, some planets oscillate becoming bigger and smaller like they are being swung on pendulums and sometimes things fall from the universe into the garden.

When I look at those things they are usually maps, jewels, coins and letters, though sometimes it has been known to rain rabbits and guinea pigs..  The letters are always snatched away from me so I can’t read them, but when I read a map I sometimes find myself floating upwards and out of our world into space and I am given a choice in the map of where to go, where things will be less turbulent for me.

Sometimes I allow myself to go, other times I panic about going and suggest I need lots of safety measures like breathing equipment, a ship etc., all of which is provided by the universe as I fret about it, all being thrown down into that garden for me.

Sometimes when I choose to go in the safe way, near the end of my journey everything breaks away and I have a huge panic attack about not surviving, only for me to gently land in the middle of a hospital where a doctor asks me why I am wasting their time, as I am absolutely fine!

I am then lead out into a carpark by a kindly nurse who then leads me to a man sitting a very posh car, sometimes a limousine and I am always shocked by who it is.  I am always like… “Oh, it’s you” in an excited kind of way and its usually then I wake up, when they either wink or laugh.

Strange dreams, but apparently there are soon to be strange times…

My tarot cards have been telling me amazing things about how someone is coming into my life soon and how my entire world is going to be turned upside for the better – but when I dig in and ask for more information, they tell me it’s a huge secret, don’t pry, don’t worry, don’t ask – all you are allowed to know is it is a soul connection, you will both be on creative teams together and you will both succeed together in everything you set out to do and you will marry quickly… it’s all weird.

Thanks for reading!

What is winter?

What does winter mean to me?

Cool crispy frosty mornings, where cobwebs are frozen solid, glistening in the morning sunlight forming prisms on the snow.

I’m like a dragon breathing smoke because my breath is hot in comparison to the air around me and I am snug and warm in fleece from head to toe.

I get to throw snowballs at my favourite people in jest and run after each other in tension that we might slip and fall down; if we’re lucky it will be powdery snow this year, not the sludgy wet kind.

Winter means lots of lovely filling hot meals, beef stew, chili, roast dinners, soups – all my favourite comfort foods and it’s plum season to boot!

Morning walks are more of a pleasure because of the icy beauty around us from the night before; everywhere has newly made crystals which shine like rainbows if you look at them the right way.  Skinny dogs are uncomfortable and need a coat, fatter ones are eager to stay indoors – but get the right dog and it is a heavenly time of year to go for a walk!

Just at the end of winter is the time where I start to think about the garden for the coming year, sometimes prepping seeds before spring in the greenhouse already, to give me a few weeks head start in comparison to other people, therefore a longer harvest time.

It’s a spicy season, it’s a sweet treat and high fat season – it’s not the season for diets!

It’s the season for hot water bottles and fleece blankets and cosy snuggles by the fireplace.

It’s not the season for cold desserts; it’s the season for cherry pie, French toast and peach crumble all washed down in hot chocolate, ginger or hot apple spiced tea.

Poinsettias around the house welcoming in Christmas with holly and ivy and red roses!

The house sparkles in the joyous illuminations of the season of celebration, hope, renewal and promise.

Families and neighbours come together to sing, to dance, to pray, to forget the badness of the past year and to give thanks, gifts, charity and love.

It may be the end of the year, the harbinger of death all around us as nature is laid bare – but it is really the busiest time for creation, planning and new beginnings.

That’s what winter means to me – it means hope – it means a new start!

Thanks for reading!

Changes

I am struggling to eat and sleep properly, not sure really what’s wrong with me; I am barely able to eat more than 900 calories most days now and I am sleeping an average of 5 hours per night.

This is why I am going quieter than normal again.

I am trying hard to keep my activities up but I am just zoning out a lot during the day because I am tired and uncomfortable and there is this strange feeling as though, something in my life is going to be turned upside down… whether for good or bad I am not sure…

I know something big has already happened in my life, I have gained two new freedoms in this past month – one could be life-changing, the other was kind of predicted by me a few years ago.

Paul and I are living together but we are no longer in a relationship – we have our separate rooms and we are starting to kind of get separate lives too – but we’re still friends.  He is more of a guardian of me now, really.

The other change is my personal finance, I have paid off one of my personal debts which helped us get by Christmas to Christmas over the years and soon another debt will be completely gone too.  This will make my £25 per week treat money go up by another £15 in January!  Now that’s not all, because Paul is now officially retired, it means I have the option of self-employment without the guilt of cutting family funds down if I fail.

So Paul is trying to help me learn how to use technology in order for me to do the YouTube channel I am interested in doing and to also learn how to monetise Pinterest, Instagram and this blog.  So for the next month I may be quieter than usual, only doing one to two posts per day whilst I get educated about what I need to do for self-employment.

I am trying to write a business plan out to see where I could potentially earn an income and how; whilst improving my creative outlet, because ultimately I want my job to be creatively based – not just promoting and advertising.

Paul has a good concept I am thinking of running with – putting my poems on Instagram with royalty free videos as one of the things to do. 

As I am getting healthier and able to do more things physically, I think I may be able in a month or two to start going for walks at the local wildlife reserve again and take photographs to sell as postcards and other things.

I particularly like taking photos of dawn and dusk – the twilight hours, I love twilight!  I am not talking about the sparkly vampire novels and movie; I am talking about the time of day!

Our wildlife reserve has a very high hill that is perfect for landscape photography at those times of day for you can see for miles around you – the problem is getting up there when you are sick and not as fit as you used to be!  Five flights of stairs over a twenty minute walk; each step is a different size from 2 inches to 2ft!  Some of the steps you have to hoist yourself up or jump down!  They are wooden and rickety and look like something in a fairy forest because they are covered in moss and lichen and go through the darkest depths of the woods, which can be spooky at times!

Especially as these woods have something the locals call “Screaming deer” a small deer that sounds like a woman being murdered from time to time, unnerving when you get to the shady depths of the wood and you get to see the glimpse of one in the darkness scurrying out the brambles and hopping over the dark stream away from you!

They are a kind of muntjac, not native, but escaped into the British wildlife a few years back!

There are quite a few things I am planning to do, unfortunately a gardening blog and vlog will have to wait until I move away, because the bad neighbour practically lives at his window waiting to see me do anything in the garden before he comes out and harasses me again.

I had thought the garden blog and vlog would actually probably be 50/50 with my writing up until 2yrs ago when that horrible man move in next door!  He is so unpopular in the village he has been more or less banned from three of the local pubs for his obnoxious behaviour and nobody will employ him as a handyman either!

The dog he has he has made vicious lunged at Paul the other day and Paul fell into a dog rose bush and has really nasty gashes all up his forearm – Henry has a phobia of big dogs like that Dalmatian because of what happened when he was a toddler when he was playing in a park, a dog jumped at him and bashed his head hard.  He is OK with little dogs though.

Henry and I don’t use our garden path anymore because of both the man and the dog, we cross to the left and use an alternative neighbours path, which takes us about 300ft out of our way whenever we want to go out to the right side of the street, but at least we don’t get harassed! 

When the dog is in their back garden we can’t be in our back garden either, because it uses their outdoor dining table as a means to jump over the fence to try and attack us yet still Paul won’t complain to the police about it all.

So we are one of the lucky families to have a garden that is bigger than 20ft by 20ft which is rare in this country and area, but we can’t use it because of one neighbour and his dog!

My child stuck indoors all day every day summer or not – just so he is safe!

I am only thankful that I have a washing machine with a dryer, I would hate having to go into the garden risking all sorts of things to hang clothes up like how we used to a few years back!

You know this neighbour has affected my mental health so badly that whenever I so much as think about gardening, I have nightmares of him doing things to sabotage my efforts or hurt me or the family, that night?

Something as simple as a flippant comment about wanting to grow Blue Himalayan poppies as a goal, made me have a horrendous dream about him last night and no doubt today I will have a worse one!

What really ticks me off is that the man isn’t supposed to be living next door, he is a tenant – so it would be easy to have him moved on, but Paul is too nice and passive, just because he is fond of his nice step daughter.

Paul is trying everything he can to appease me about the situation whilst not solving it – he is doing everything he can to try and get me an allotment so I can garden again, but that would mean I have to go 10 minutes down the road to grow my flowers, fruits and vegetables on land that isn’t my own whereas I have a 50ft by 30ft back garden and a 20ft by 30ft front garden which we own!  Not only that but it will cost us around £80 a year for the privilege and we’re limited to what we can and cannot grow there!

Before this bad neighbour became a problem, I gardened so much it saved us £60 a month in fruit and veg, right now we need to garden more than ever – but we’re going hungrier than we should be, because of peace sake.

I’ve never known a man like it and I am talking about both Paul and the bad neighbour here!

I do know one thing – if an apocalypse was to happen Paul won’t help defend me against other men and that’s a scary thought!  Very scary! And I know my fears aren’t unwarranted because I first learned of Paul’s cowardice when Henry was 3 months old, when a man tried to attack me when I was pushing Henry in the pram – Paul was walking several feet behind me, whilst I dealt with the man myself, Paul walked right past us like he was pretending he didn’t know us!

I called after him about what happened when I chased the guy off – he claimed he never saw a thing!  I said, you heard shouting and roaring though didn’t you?  No.

So when I say I literally do a lot by myself, I mean it.  I can’t rely on Paul for anything, the house is falling apart – shrug, too tired and busy to do anything oh and play the poverty card too!

Very convenient for him!

So in the past few weeks in particular, he is becoming less like the Paul I know and more like someone I don’t want to.  He has changed a lot since he felt he could reject me and then reclaim me at the drop of a hat without ramifications… he had a shock when he learned I don’t work like that.  You reject me for someone you haven’t met yet, and then you reclaim me when she turns out to be a fake… on your bike!

So that’s why I am going self-employed and this is why I won’t be giving any of my money to Paul to help with anything.  I will give to my son and for us to eat, but that’s about all I will do –  I have had enough of him sitting pretty thinking I am totally helpless and I want a life – I can’t bare this mediocrity any longer, even I or this lifestyle has to die – one of us and I would rather it not be me!

I would rather not be lonely either, but hey ho, sometimes we’re lonelier when we live with people!

To say I am not heartbroken by how my life has turned out is an understatement; I had hoped I would do better than this!  Much better!

Thanks for reading!

Getting older

But I don’t like it; I refuse to go with the grain on this!

Although I love baking cookies and cupcakes and sitting down on cosy autumn days knitting and doing crochet, that’s as old as I get!

I am still a child at heart, mind, soul, behaviour – not so much body, but I am trying to get there again believe me!  Haha!

I have been hearing people talk about getting older these days, a lot of people who are ten years older than me and my own age peers and I sit there and think – “Oh my goodness, they are all turning into a load of boring frumps, no offence”!

“When are you going to cut your hair short”?  They ask me, like it’s a rite of passage! 

“Don’t you think you look odd getting older with waist length hair”?

Erm, no actually, I quite like it!

So it got me thinking about what I want to be as I get older…

Certainly not what society expects!

Slowing down as you get older?  OK, I was diagnosed with arthritis when I was 21yrs old, but I like to think as I get older I speed up… my life gets better, gets more exciting – I have always had the notion that life begins at forty, not slows down! 

If I haven’t learned how to roller-skate and ride a bike by fifty, I have done something wrong!

If I am not rock-climbing and haven’t started to professionalise my writing career by sixty, what the heck did I do with my life between now and then?  I hope I would have changed a lot, unrecognisably so!

To someone more energetic, fit, fun and a little bit reckless!

I am tired of living life in the cautious slow lane, like those old ladies who never do more than 20mph on freeway!

I think the slowest thing I want to do when I am much older, is go to one of those big tantric orgasmic meditation centres or do tai chi, which would be cool!

But ultimately if my legs are causing me problems that I physically slow down I have thought about using a push scooter to get me around faster and attached the leash of a dog to each handle to help me!

But to be perfectly honest with you I am very much inspired by Melissa Neill in a high protein and weight training lifestyle, so I would like to think that I would be like an Elaine Lalanne when I am ninety!

Only I’d dress like a hippy with ten bangles up my arm and be surrounded by a pack of dogs and grandchildren and great grandchildren, lol.

Panicking my kids, like Henry and maybe others I may have in the future if all goes to my plan – because ma is going on the world’s longest zorb ball track again or she’s decided to do dancing on ice, three months after a hip replacement therapy, lol!

You can’t keep a good dog down!

“Aren’t you a little too old to google Care Bear sweaters for your age and size”?  Erm, no – why’d you ask?

No, growing up was never for me – so I didn’t do that and so it’s the same with growing old too…

Sorry to disappoint you, but I refuse to grow up and I refuse to act my age!

Got a problem?

Yes you do… you are afraid to live, I pity you!

Slow down? My ass – no sir!  My life has been virtually non-existent these past eight years because of illness and I am determined to change that drastically and so far in a short space of time I have managed to overcome a lot!

You are going to witness me do some crazy shit in a year or two, just watch me!

Or I eat my words… one or the other!

Watch this space anyhow!

Thanks for reading!

Top 10 obsessions, hobbies and collections

It’s top 10 time again, today I will be talking about my obsessions, hobbies and collections – things that I don’t just like but really love and love a lot!

Top 10 character/people or story obsessions

Anything pertaining to Alice in Wonderland and its world– this is a huge one for me!

Anything regarding The Wizard of Oz or the world of that!

Anything about the concept of Candyland in any way shape or form, such as Charlie & the chocolate factory, Easter bunny etc;

Anything about vampires and the mythology of them, especially the Karnstein trilogy & Dracula!

Batman stories and villains

The Addams family

Anything pertaining to Peter Pan

Anything regarding muppets and puppets (but not traditional ventriloquist dummies) so anything like The Muppets and Sesame Street I love as well as Fraggle rock, The Froud’s and Jeff Dunham!

Anything to do with Jurassic Park and dinosaurs

The minions!

Top 10 things I love in general

Anything with dogs on it

Anything with any of my favourite characters on it

Zebra print

Anything fluffy

Crystals

Perfumes

Plant life

Anything with dragons on them

Anything with butterflies on them

Anything with peacocks on them

Top 10 lazy hobbies

Painting with watercolours

Ink drawings

Jigsaw puzzles

Tarot reading

Reading

Practising a musical instrument (proficient in nothing)

Writing poetry and songs

Board games

Junk journaling

Online or console gaming

Top 10 energetic hobbies, things I used to do and miss

Training and walking dogs

Swimming

Tae-bo

Netball

Air hockey

Walking including power walking

Belly dance – when I lose weight I’d be more confident doing this again, needs to loosen up a bit

Rowing

Trampolining

Bowling

Top 10 things I collect

Crystals

Dragon ornaments

Books

Tarot cards

Oracle cards

Perfume

Soft toys & cushions

Fairy ornaments

Poster art I keep in files

Hardback notebooks

Upon conclusion… yes I know I am a big kid – get over it lol.

Top 10 pet stuff

Top 10 favourite pets are now listed along with a few other ideas regarding pets. 

Top 10 species to have as a pet!

Dogs

Guinea pigs

Tropical fish

Rabbits

Hamsters

Macaw parrots

Cats

Pond fish

Ducks

Chickens

Top 10 favourite dog breeds

Mixed breeds

Border collies

Australian Shepherds

Yorkshire terriers (Not the tea cup varieties!  teddy cuts only)

Shih Tzus (best lap dog, I miss mine they had teddy haircuts or a 6 in the summer)

Rottweilers (they are softer hearted and gentler than you think)

Boxers

Irish wolf hounds

Bearded collies

Labradors

Top 10 tropical fish tank inmates

Guppies

Neon Tetras

Dalmatian mollies

Platies

Panda loaches

White mollies

Black mollies

Black mottled mollies

Harlequin rasbora

Gold barbs

Top 10 pets wanted in the future

Dogs any kind would prefer minimum of 2 but will tolerate 1 on its own

Tropical fish tank

Pond fish

Guinea pigs

Buff Orpington chickens

Goats

A pair of macaw parrots

A hamster city

A pair of tortoises

A black or ginger maine coon cat or both lol

Big dreams given up

This post is all about the big dreams and goals I had in life that are too far reaching I have given up wanting them because of one thing or another. 

As a young child I had a huge love for fashion, particularly fashion design; I remember watching the Fashion Roadshows on TV and The House of Elliot and I remember begging my parents for the Barbie design packs and the make your own design toys.  I got a small pack once, but mum didn’t like my enthusiasm for it. 

When I was going through the pack like nobody’s business, she grew angry about it and tersely stopped my enthusiastic interest in fashion by stating that a fat girl like me would be torn apart in the fashion industry.  She really did a number on my confidence when she knew I actually wanted this as a career.

I was eight or nine years old when I gave up wanting that sort of thing and I grew to detest other girls who were really into that sort of thing because of jealousy issues… if I can’t have that life because of how I look, then why should I support them?  I grew bitter, I admit that.

Because even when I had lost the weight to my mother’s satisfaction there was always the issue of my squinty eyes and my smile is never right either, in fact, my smile looked like a snarl or a grimace.

So the big dream I had as a kid to be a fashion designer went out of the window as did my dream of ever going on the cover of Vogue magazine – which is still something I kind of dream of from time to time.

Another dream I am trying to come to terms with is the fact that since I was a child, I had always wanted a large family – I wanted a minimum of five children all told and as many as nature or God would give me. 

I am coming to terms with the fact I am now 40yrs old and have only one son because of the lack of enthusiasm from his father to have any more with me.

It’s hard to digest because I have the belief that as a woman, I should be mother to a large brood as its natures intention – but there you go, circumstances out of my control dictates to me I can’t have anymore; unless I am lucky enough to have a new relationship soon and I have taken a large chunk out of my paternal families genepool, so that I am fertile into my mid 50s like they are!

OK I suppose for many being a mother to a large family isn’t such a big dream, but it’s one of mine.

Another one of my dreams is to have my stories made into movies, comics or TV shows.  I prefer them to be on screen, I have never written for the motivation to create books – just stories for a screen.

I write the things I want to see on TV.

I have always had the dream of brainstorming with the stars my new story ideas, sitting there discussing what we should do and testing the water a bit with some playful dialogue with each other or play acting things as we’re thinking about them.  I loved drama class at school, though I’d never be confident enough to be a professional actress, it’s not stage fright I have, it’s the idea of becoming too well known where I lose control over my right to peace and tranquillity of not being bothered everywhere I go.

I had my fifteen minutes of fame as a teenager and it drove me bonkers.  I won a fight with the biggest group of school bullies single handed and I became the popular kid for about a month, until my grumpiness about being followed around made people avoid me – Well, I was a moody Goth at the time.

It also became bothersome for a few years that every so often I’d be pulled up in the street being mistaken for two celebrities, this was worse when I was thin!  People didn’t believe I weren’t one of them, because my voice is so much like hers.  Martine McCutcheon, the singer that was also on EastEnders for a time.

I have to admit; I worked on my voice a lot to try and not to sound like her so people would believe me!

I had also wanted some of my stories to be theatre plays, musicals in particular for some of them as I have a huge love for music as much as I do writing and fashion.  I haven’t learned to read music, but when I lived in London and was still in contact with my family my brother let me use his Cubase and was astounded at the compositions I made for my rap/rock band I had in college.

A few people in my family and friendship circle keep telling me I should be a professional singer but I don’t want to do that, I only really want to write the lyrics and compose the music whilst someone else sings them.

I know it sounds like I don’t care about my craft very much but the average song or poem I write can be done in less than half an hour on average and it’s never revised.  Composing music can take one to three days with Cubase, that’s my average anyway – unfortunately I don’t have access to Cubase anymore.

I have also wanted to have a breedable pair of dogs and train them like I always do, but specifically for agility contests and go to dog sports events with them as a competitor.  It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but when I had dogs when I lived with my parents my mother wouldn’t let me go to the events unless they were within three miles of the house.  So the only event I went to was for three years and that was the Silverstream summer fete contests in Burnt Oak, North London.

My dream has been to have a breedable pair of dogs because I want to keep the bloodline of my original dog in the family for generations, so I am never without at least one dog and the dogs could be inherited down to the family.  Henry loves the idea of this, but Paul says we can’t afford a dog anymore – not with this heat or eat crisis that is going on in the UK right now.

I have also been interested in fly ball and other dog sport activities.

In the past I have been known to train dogs to understand at least thirty commands, but it depends on the dog and my time with them.  To get to the thirty command stage I worked on a new dog three hours a day for four months solid.  I didn’t have that much time with some of the others when I lived with my mum.  But mum hated the bond I had with that dog in particular so much, she got rid of it and gave it to an aunt, broke my heart.  That puppy would have been amazing when she was older.

Another dream of mine is to rebuild The Garden Of Eden, but there you go, probably a little too big for me?

I have simple dreams really – like winning a bakery contest in a country fair, or a contest in applique design.

I know given the right circumstances and resources, I’d be as glamorous as Lady Gaga and other similar stars – I know I would have wacky ideas for fashion, I love to play – I am a very playful person and I like shinies – not necessarily jewellery, I don’t really like to wear that much of it – but I do like shiny things and bold fashion.

I am a big fan of Moschino since Jeremy Scott took over a lot of the designs, that’s the kinda wacky I am on about!

I’m unashamedly a big kid at heart, really I am – there are times I wished that the public weren’t so snippy as I’d love to wear plaited pig tails again in public, not just around the house!

I say I don’t like wearing jewellery much, but I do love bangles – I am the annoying office worker that has ten up each arm and types at 90wpm and jingles all the way!  Or at least I used to be, before the bracelets got presumably lost.

I try to keep a turquoise at my throat area as much as possible too.

But other than that most of my ideas for my dreams are pretty small. 

If money was no object I’d probably have a huge house simply so I can adopt more people and let people stay over and use me as a stop gap – as I am very friendly and I like guests if they are friendly.  I’d have acres of land just so I can have many different types of garden and entertainment areas and play areas for children and pets. 

I’d probably be a party animal, any excuse for a party if I knew I had friends or a lot of people to invite to them, that is.  As I do love parties, but I don’t like drinking much – I just enjoy the positive energy of parties.  Easter, Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, BBQ, New Year, etc.  I love dinner parties too especially if there are guests who are not opposed to games after dinner.

I love planning for events, decorating, preparing, I love it sometimes more than the actual thing itself.  I put my heart and soul into things like that – but it’s an almost non-existent life here with Paul, he doesn’t socialise and so… life in a word is DULL.

I am always thinking about how amazing things are going to be for the people who are going to attend, it’s selfless, I think about individuals who will be there.  It’s just me – I don’t know if I have ever mentioned this before but I was in the hospitality trade for a while as a PA for VIPS.  I was doing so well at Nordic Cruises base as a meet and greeter and was quite popular with the clients for it, that I was offered to go on the cruises for some of the people, but I had to give up the job when they offered me that – because mum didn’t approve me leaving the house for weeks on end.

Because part of my job as a meet and greeter was to also provide lunches and I was so friendly and got to know people so well that I started to customise lunches for people I knew were going to attend meetings that day.

I loved that job, I am a people pleaser if I am honest – it brings me joy to make people feel at home!  I think it was Nordic Cruises anyway; my memory might be a big off.  But whatever, I loved it there even if I wasn’t there for more than a couple of months, of all jobs I had up to that point I thrived there.

So I think the biggest most extravagant thing outside of being on Vogue’s cover magazine and having my stories made into movies would be this… A three day party cruise with a pool with all my favourite people on board almost like an annual thing.

Another extravagant thing is an ice-cream sundae I always wanted to try in New York at Serendipities, it’s the opulent sundae.  Just because it looks freaking cool… no pun intended, its ice-cream – eye roll time!  But it’s like 1k for it!  1k!

But there you go.

Other than that, I just like simple things.  Like the idea of going on the world’s longest zip wire… going zorbing… learning to roller skate and ride a bike… silly things like that. 

Thanks for reading!

Sleepy caterpillar

Today I feel quiet; it’s a solitary and reflective day for me.  I just want the cosiest clothing possible, to be warm and snuggle up with my laptop writing stories, doing tarot readings, playing with my crystals and reading some books.

Though I feel like being kind of social, I just really want a quiet day.

I really miss having a wandering pet in the house like a dog or a cat, because I could do with fur baby snuggles right now too and I really miss my border collie Candy who used to lie on my feet whenever I was reading, because she kept my feet warm in the winter, whilst bill my shih Tzu kept my abdomen or lap warm and his sister Beau to my side.

I often sat in piles of dogs or other fur babies, it was quite normal for me.

As much as I miss her I don’t miss her habits, Turquoise my tortoiseshell cat, she could never get close to me thanks to the dogs, so her only option was to sit behind the back of the sofa I was on and half lie on my head whilst I read.  Kind of itched a bit as she made my head too warm!

I miss the occasional tweet from my budgies too and the sofa suddenly moving like an earthquake because Amy the Irish Wolfhound has decided to hide behind my sofa right now, disturbing the whole pile of animals around me as she blunders her way behind the sofa to hide again, only for her to re-emerge sticking her wet slimy nose into my ear for a tickle almost immediately.

I miss them all.

But today is a cotton and cotton lace kind of day, with fleecy socks and blankets or shawls; light colours for me, like white, pale yellow or cream, maybe a smattering of oatmeal or coffee, but only very small amounts. 

It would be too cold to go out in what I want to wear today, unless I took an oversized oatmeal or banana yellow fleecy shawl or poncho with me.

Today however, is a day where I just want to be home.  I’d like some company, but quiet, tranquil company.  It’s a reflective day after all and a day of words for me.

I have done a lot of writing today, but not towards a novel.  I have done a lot of words towards blog posts and therapy essays I am doing for myself, as I am trying to heal some major emotional wounds.

Spiritual energy is quiet today, it’s like there is a major focus on me, to give me lightness, give me energy, sending healing my way.

I thank whoever it is doing that.

I certainly feel a lot of inner calm today, like someone has given me Valium or something.

My spirits have tried their best to encourage me to sleep a lot over the past few days, but I haven’t been listening, only for me to nap suddenly whenever I get comfortable.  Henry got afraid yesterday as I fell asleep twice and I wasn’t even tired, but I told him it’s OK.

My spirits told me, “you are not a butterfly yet; you are still a caterpillar and it’s time to get your sleep, because your transformation is very near”.

I suppose it explains why I am fat, then, I am a caterpillar.

I am fighting against their advice though; life is too short to be a sleepy head.

But they insist, I should sleep as much as possible until the second week of November, because after that, I won’t have a chance – things will move too quickly in my life and I may not have the energy to keep up with it, and I must keep up with it!

It’s a strange thing.

But there you go.

Thanks for reading…