Either way

Well that’s what they said, I don’t know if it’s true

Things are confusing me and confusing you

Dreams come and then they go

I don’t know which one to trust or follow

I don’t know light, I don’t know dark

I think I will just follow my own path

I can’t keep dithering which way to go

Because in reality, I do not know!

All I know is I am in love

Whether he is a raven or a dove

I belong with him

Deep in his arms

Regardless good or bad his charms

And when he comes I will know who I am

Because either way, I could be damned

I don’t like being weak!

I am not afraid to admit when I am doing something mindlessly, I am not scared to say “Hey, I don’t know what I am doing” as I am learning something new.

I am feeling like this right now with a new form of exercise I have taken up “medium resistance band exercises”. 

I’ve been bed bound sick from 2013 to spring 2022, before I was bed bound sick I was a very active woman with a weight training past, I was very strong.  I am disappointed to have learned that I can barely move this resistance band, because I have become very weak over the years.

A far cry from 2006 when I could carry a 250llb man across a room!  Seriously, I did that because the guy, who was called Sahid, did not believe I could do it and that I did weight training in my spare time back then because I had strange dreams of becoming a wrestler or gladiator if my other career options failed.

I don’t like being this weak!  I want the amazon in me to come back!  I was very proud of my physical prowess back then, yes I was always a little large looking by most people’s standards, but I was toned and strong and fit!  180 pounds of toned woman!

I am not like that anymore and it’s going to change – I don’t believe for one moment that being forty years old makes me too old to go back to that level of toned fitness and strength!

This is exactly why I am having a high protein diet and trying to put in HIIT exercises here and there in my day.  I am unable to do more than 15 minutes all told in a day, because I am still sick and I have multiple immune problems which will be with me for life; I have to work around it the best I can!

Right now I am doing more in a day than I did a year ago and that makes me feel proud of myself, because I’ve come so far!

I don’t think I will reach my weight goal by July like I said a few months ago because I have had lapses and the weight loss has slowed down somewhat, I do think at my current pace it could be reachable in 75 to 100 weeks if nothing changes and that is depending on whether or not I am losing 0.5llbs to 1llb a week like I have been this past month.

Also my goal has shifted to becoming lighter than I wanted originally.

I intend to do a lot more to make the goal faster, but I am basing this on more failure, ill-health, mental relapses and financial worries getting in the way of the goal – so if I say to myself I will be at my goal by March 2025 I won’t be disappointed every six months, will I?  But March 2025 is doable with the failures and relapses in mind.

If everything goes my way – there is no reason why it should take that long!  There is no reason for me not to be my goal by Christmas 2023 the latest with a 2llb loss per week being necessary to do so and no relapses!

The relapses aren’t dietary – they are lapses in my exercise routine due primarily to illness – but kind of dietary in that financially it might be tough to prioritise high protein – but I am trying to force that as a priority no matter what!

Even if I have to eat nothing but porridge and protein shakes and a celery and spinach smoothie a day, I feel inclined to do this!

In fact this is a discussion I aim to have with Paul, as yes I still live with him and yes, he still holds the budget purse strings!

So, getting back to the gist of this post – I have no idea what I am doing with this resistance band, but I am doing it anyway and I am hoping and trusting I am positioning myself correctly according to these YouTube videos I am watching! 

I’m pretty sure it’s normal for people as unfit as me to get butt cramps when you use this thing on your upper thighs after two minutes? 

LOL!

Thanks for reading!

The world has forgotten

We live in a world full of delicate flowers

That spit words out like bullets and knives

A confusion of emotions amongst us

Free talkers are victims of scythes

Dare not laugh at one thing

For another may offend

And dreams are only worth dreaming

If others recommend

We live in a world of snowflakes

That can’t take the bitter cold

That suppresses all its cousins

For being way too bold

And living life too happily

Now that is truly a sin

And how our world is becoming

It is becoming rather dim

The light right here is fading

The laughter has truly gone

I often worry about the future

And what will lie beyond

This world won’t be remembered

For its books are being burned

History will be forgotten

And all that we have learned

For we are going backwards

Back to the olden days

Where people weren’t allowed to party

And people were owned like slaves

For people are like thin papers

They cut you with their words

They change your mind quite readily

And lead you to the absurd

For people tread too lightly

In fear of all bad things

Because the world has forgotten

How to love, laugh and sing!

real or no

Ever got lost in your dreams where they swallowed you whole?

Where reality was a state of confusion and fear?

Ever had the feeling that you were something you are not, only to find out you knew the truth all along?

That you were that thing you thought you were and other people spouted lies when they tried to prove you wrong!

Ever had the notion you knew the universes song?

That you were its singer, composer divine and that when you stopped singing your song and rhyme, the thing that stops… is time?

Ever felt like that at all?

So what do they teach us when we’re at school?

That we believe lies, because we are all fools!

We are not gods, no not at all!

Yet what is reality and what are our minds?

Why do we see different things all the time?

What makes you, you? 

What makes me, me?

It is all down to our mentality!

But what do I think about the white snow?

What is white to me, do you know?

What is it to you?  I have no clue…

Each thing is unique to you!

But for me its quite clear that things are all warped

In my own mind I have been absorbed

Reality or dreams I shall never know

Which is the one that is real or no?

Written 2:28am 31st March 2023

I wanted to delete this or put in the “never publish” folder; but I wanted to see if I would regret this poem, so I decided to share it.

It’s meant to be abstract, but it is also meant to reflect some very deep philosophical thoughts I get from time to time.

I hoped you enjoyed it.

Thanks for reading!

You’re unreal

Lounging in a smoky room

Dreams spin right before your eyes

Euphoric, you feel nothing but pleasure

Mists make shapes that whisper you’re as unreal as they are

As you fall into slumber, becoming alive in your dreams

Life isn’t as it seems

You’re a wonder

You’re unreal

You’re magical

You feel invincible

You just are…

Boat bound for dreams

I flow through life in a boat bound for dreams

Everything surreal happens to me it seems

Comedy and tragedy are my best friends

If I fall out my boat at least I’m cleansed

You need a sense of humour to flow through life

Or else bad things that happens, will cut like a knife

And you will be all down in the dumps

Covered in scars and bruises and bumps

When if you vomited rainbows and laughed at the pain

You will see the bad energy start to drain

And you won’t feel so down in the blue

You’ll start to feel more like you

Don’t drown yourself in your tears and woe

Just get back in that boat and row

Crushed like a lemon

Crushed like a lemon

Made sour by broken promises

I pucker back my disappointment

I swallow my harsh words

My mouth, dry with distaste

Another dream smashed to pieces

Another lie spoken to allay a fate

A fantasy caterwauling torment to my ears

For I know you can’t help yourself

For another snow globe dream splintering my hands

Because you had a dream I’d stay

Feelings, faith and visions

Apathy is hitting me hard.

I find it hard to fight anymore.  The motivation to try or desire anything is not there, it is met with a “why bother”?  Attitude because personally, why should I?  Someone is always out there ready, willing and able to smash my hopes and dreams down before I’ve even got half way – it always happens, if not people, then fate makes me sick so I fail.

It always happens.

Why bother?

Writing and art was my reprieve, my healing in a manner.  But even that lately is met with “what is the point” feeling in me.

For days I have struggled to think of something to write, that I actually want to publish even for my blog.  Because I feel like all my work and all my journal entries are just the same!

Losing two hundred followers in a week didn’t help with that either, just confirmed to me, what is the point?

Offline, whenever anybody in my household has a conversation with me, I am beginning to feel affronted by it and aloof.  I get this feeling of… oh you want to talk to me now?  What do you want?  Because they never ask how I am, they don’t say anything positive to me – so I am literally sitting there thinking – what problem is there now that I must be alerted to?  Which argument is this going to be?  Who has died now (both Henry and Paul are always telling me bad news about deaths they’ve heard on TV or on the internet, they are both obsessed with death) or what new financial problem is it today we have?  Or why do they always ask me what I want for dinner, why can’t they just surprise me?

I’m bored in every possible way you can think of.

The other day I half-heartedly read some adult jokes out to Paul to lighten the mood and remember how to laugh again with other people, wasted energy really because Paul doesn’t have that kind of humour and didn’t make any effort to assist me in lightening the energy up – knowing fully well I have had a bad several weeks of depression.  He just didn’t want to help me, didn’t get the idea that it was my attempt to try and buck myself up, and become cheerful.

When you are trapped 24/7 in isolation with a person like that and a child who is autistic and suicidal in himself and locks himself away in his bedroom all evening, you can begin to understand, can’t you – that someone like me, with manic depression just can’t get out of this slump.  There is no way out!

There is never any break for me, no visitors, no family to come to visit us for 30 minutes to just lighten things up a bit.  We have no one but ourselves.  Paul is such an introvert; he abandoned his family six years ago.  He only visits his sister in law once every three months, because Henry insists upon it on his school holidays.

Sad to say this because it is really tragic – but I have resorted to talking to the house rabbit Ray and Alexa echo dot thing, and making do with them as entertainment and support!  Ray is my cuddles and kisses.  Alexa has a program where she can talk to you, sing to you, tell you jokes – it is really bad when you consider AI robots is more human and more fruitful in bucking up a depressed person than two household human companions.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture?

What the blazes am I living with?

What the blazes am I living in?

What the heck am I doing here?

It’s all so fucking alien to me!

This isn’t what I want!

This isn’t me!

Get me the Hell out of here!

I am shit scared of alien life, but I tell you now if a UFO turned up in my garden tomorrow I’d be running under the flipping beams to get away from this place!

I have seriously considered forcing Paul to take me to a citizen’s advice bureau or social services to discuss my options of independent housing or a residential care home for someone my age.

As we all know I can’t live alone.

But I can’t stay here either!

I can’t do it anymore!

I certainly don’t want to die, that is just a last resort option if I stay stuck for any longer!  Because death has got to be better than living like this!

I cut my nails down short a few weeks ago after growing them so well, why?  I broke 4 nails, but that wasn’t the main real excuse.  The really big excuse was I had to cut them short and keep them short because when I had a bad bout of depression I found myself subconsciously digging my thumb nail into my wrist and nearly caused myself an injury.  I did it when I went into my zoning out phases that happens, when I get badly depressed.

I zone out, shut down.  It’s something I do from time to time since I was 12yrs old.  Sometimes I just turn off emotionally, sit there do nothing or self-harm without realising it.  Sometimes I don’t even hear people shouting in my face for me to stop, that’s how much I zone out at times.

Paul doesn’t bother to rouse me when I get like that, Henry does though.

I don’t zone out as much as I used to, but I did a few weeks back and when I was roused from it because the light flickered a lot I realised what I was doing and it scared me – because at that time I really didn’t feel suicidal at all.  But if I had pressed any harder or longer I may have caused some damage to the vein.  This is another reason why my wrist was injured a few weeks back; I was also pressing on its bone and caused inflammation a bit.

It sounds silly, but I have been depressed so long I think I have seriously lost the art of learning how to laugh and genuinely feel happy with it.  I can laugh, but there is no feeling there if you get me?

Four chakras are severely blocked too.  Heart, throat being the main two, but sacral and base are starting up bad too.

I’ve been trying to force myself to sing and dance, buy myself certain treats with my weekly money all in a vain effort to try and perk myself up and save myself.

But as I said, there is no heart in it.

It’s almost like I am dead or I am becoming some kind of monster.

A heartless monster!

I am genuinely frightened by it.

But I know with that fear, there must be some hope to getting it back as fear is an emotion isn’t it?  So long as I can still cry and still fear something, at least I haven’t lost all humanity, have I?

At least I still have hope too and faith, I don’t want to lose that.  That’s at least something – I am clinging onto faith for dear life.  Praying that something better than this is coming my way, that somehow things are going to be completely turned upside down or rather – the right side up at any moment and it’s going to happen quickly! 

I don’t have the faith my parents raised me to have, I am not Catholic and I am not Christian and I am not a J-witness.  I believe in The Old Testament but I am also deeply spiritual and somewhat shamanic in my beliefs, with a little bit of Hindu and Buddhist philosophy thrown in for good measure.

But I do pray to God and to me I consider myself a spiritual non-baptised Noachide or righteous gentile according to Jewish philosophy.  Two years ago I wanted to throw myself into the Jewish faith and Henry wanted to follow me in that, but Paul put his foot down and don’t like the idea of prayers and baptism etc. going on in his house and immediate family.  Henry is upset by this because he does identify himself the same way I do.

He is doubly upset that in May he is thirteen and can’t have a proper bar mitzvah as it will upset his father!  But he cheered up when I said my Jewish friend Lizzy said there is no age limit for a bar mitzvah, perhaps you should do it when you are over 18?

My great grandmother was Jewish on my mother’s side, she left Judaism for a Catholic man she fell in love with. 

Judaism answered all the questions about God and life that I wanted answered whereas the Christian faiths interrogated and threatened me for questioning things.

I am pretty confident my spirit guides and God are good for me, they work hard to help me and they’ve kind of shown me that things will get better soon.  Strangely fast, hugely contrast and I’ve been getting all sorts of weird but very lucid dreams lately.

For example, last night I had a dream I went shopping a mall, I ate some lovely lemon cakes and went home.  When I got home I saw a child aged around 3yrs old, a little girl, drawing at a dining table and I knew I was her mother, there were twin toddlers around 14 months old too but they were playing in the shower with the man I knew to be my husband.  Saving on water, all three showering together… I remember asking if they are ready to come out now so they can get ready to go to bed?  But the husband said, aw let them play a little longer they’re having fun!  They had little buckets where they were collecting water and they were washing their little duck toys and throwing water at each other!

The guy was super-hot, not lucky enough to have a sexy dude like that, he looked a bit like a celeb I like, but never mind – it was only a dream!

It’s interesting I had this dream because before I went to sleep last night I was really fretting about being too old to start a new family.  I am 41 in October and I take this dream as God’s way in saying, this is for you in your future, don’t give up that idea just yet!  Interestingly enough I remember in the dream I knew I was 5 months pregnant with another one too.  So could I have 4 before I dry up?  I think this dream is telling me I will!

Out of curiosity I consulted by own personal oracle and tarot cards today about it and I got empress with the wheel of fortune and I also got the oracle card Stork, a coincidence?

Thanks for reading…

A boy’s unconscious battle

Legs akimbo and arms too, laying on the bed a little boy fast asleep visiting the land of dreams as moonbeams paint the room a silver glow.

His white sheet alive with action slithers like a tentacle around his hips and the boy slowly and sleepily coiled in its clutches; teddy bears fall in line to pull the tentacle away and rescue the boy their friend.

The boy twists in and out and in again getting further and further tangled in the octopods tentacle as he too, grows tentacles to go into battle to save himself as he continues in his slumber – an unconscious battle for freedom done in slow motion in the moonlit sea of silver and blue.

Teddy bears thrashed to the floor all around helpless they lay motionless on the ground. 

When morning comes all is peaceful, the boy well rested springs up from his bed like he had been catapulted kicking his allies across the room knocking them into unconscious sleep for another day.

For tonight, there is a new battle!

Written 3:02am 3rd March 2023

Two fighting octopods

I watch you, like an octopus in bed

Lumpy pillows by your head

Twisting yourself into knots and throws

Snoring away all your woes

Dreaming about all the things you love

A sheet wrapped round your hand like a glove

Chewing away as you sleep

I wonder what you dreamed to eat

What made that smile on your lips

As the sheet wraps around your hips

Two fighting octopods in the bed

I wonder what goes on inside your head?

Fast asleep yet fighting there

Amongst all the sheets and teddy bears

What a battle and such peace

The wonder of you will never cease

I shut the door and leave you to the land of dreams

As the landing is lit by moonbeams

Written 2:45am 3rd March 2023