My creative process

Since 2017 the idea of me getting out of bed and being eager to write anything towards a novel first thing has been a laughable notion; I used to be like that every day, but not since then.

Before September 2022 I would write approximately 1500 to 3k words a time, approximately 3 times a week sometimes more, but since September that too has been a laughable notion.

Yet there it is, several times this week I have done some creative work almost daily, though mostly drawing, but today was different.

I woke up with the enthusiasm to write and I wrote for nearly two hours and although it was only just under 2k words in that time, painfully slow in comparison to past efforts – it made me feel accomplished in some way and that perhaps I am getting my mojo back again?

Though the story I wrote towards was a project known here as Steampunk 2, I haven’t thought about this story for a long time, in fact it was last mentioned in a post here dated 3^rd July 2022 and that was probably the last time I did any thinking about it!

I have no idea why I woke up and immediately thought about that project, usually ideas stew in my mind for days before I get around writing things down, but not today – this was an instant!

I am still unsure why, but it doesn’t matter – the thing is, I did it!  I wrote like how I used to years ago, woke up with energy and enthusiasm to do so and I did it!

I think the idea of forcing myself to concentrate on a particular project just because, could be the reason why I may not want to write it.  I have pressurised myself and before I moved out of my parents’ house, I never did that.  I never pressured myself into saying oh well; I have written five chapters to project such and such I must do so again tomorrow!  I never did that, I skipped from one thing to another quite merrily and was very productive back then!

I think I’ve been too influenced by the scientific and orderly mind of Paul in this regard, because he has been the one to convince me to only concentrate on one maybe three projects a time, not all seventy odd!

So I kind of developed an element of guilt behind it wanting to write outside my planned five main projects.

I decided three wasn’t enough for me, I needed five.  That didn’t make me anymore productive either.

So, now I am going back to the idea that any work on any day is good work as it is towards something – no work in one day because  I don’t want to focus on one of five ideas is unacceptable to me.

You know what?  Last week I wanted to start writing towards a horror story that’s been in my head for two years and I didn’t knuckle down to do it, because it wasn’t my main five projects.  I had this guilt complex of writing towards that story, because I should be working on ABCD or E – you get the idea?

So I spent just 45 minutes half-heartedly writing towards project AD and the quality in my work was terrible!  In fact I feel like deleting last week’s work!

But if I had of written towards that horror I know I would have got 2 or even 3k done that day, because there were a few things I wanted to write about in that story and I was in the mood for it. 

Guilt stopped me.

I am being disloyal to my main five projects I felt!

Pah!

I am not going to do this anymore!

I believe the universe was talking to me directly tonight because I was reading a book called “Tate – brief lessons in creativity” and they reckon that every creative has their own process and when they deviate from it, they become naff or blocked.  It’s not 100% quoted accurately, but the gist is there!

Today I decided to do whatever I feel like from now onwards and today has been the most productive writing day I’ve had since 2017 in my opinion!

I noticed my poetry is becoming difficult for me, because I am trying to push myself to create at least one poem a day to keep the blog alive.  But that’s not working anymore for me!

I am putting myself into a poetry block mind-set and my creative brain is rebelling by thinking about other things – like art where I don’t restrict myself and I have even caught myself dancing and moving my body more and doing wacky things (which is normal for me anyway) only I think about random lyrical lines I am making up as I go along but it’s all freestyle and unrecorded.  Then I realised, it’s a kind of performance art this! 

Once again I felt the universe was talking to me, because it was at this time I saw an advertisement for a performance art show being performed at The Belgrade theatre called “Drive your plow over the bones of the dead”; where it is apparently dance, poetry, acting and all sorts of things in one show.  I don’t know much about it, but it kind of spoke to me and I would like to see the show some day – though I probably won’t get the opportunity to! 

My brain doesn’t like limitations, so it’s removing me from what it sees as harmful creative pursuits and setting me free in others I don’t overthink too much!

When I start overthinking and when I start making rules, I block those pursuits too… I think I am learning a lot about myself lately!

There are many things I would like to write for my blog but I worry about how chaotic it may appear to my readers.

Abstract thoughts, descriptions, no real story, no real poetry either;  just words thrown together almost lyrically with descriptions of random acts and I sit back and wonder – what am I doing?  What is this called?  Overthinking again… then I block myself and I delete what I have done because I become embarrassed.

It’s odd, nobody will get it, I think to myself.

This is the true reason behind my procrastination – the reality is, I am doing things but I am destroying them no soon as I have done them, because I think the world will find it strange or unfathomable.

Like I have lost my mind and lost in thought and dribbling on with different words, to the extent I appear to be talking gobbledygook and as though I’ve lost the plot entirely… men in white coats will be coming for you soon – echoes Paul, who also doesn’t really grasp what I do at times!  But then again, he doesn’t grasp creative people as a whole, does he?  Being a scientist and all that!

Then I think – what the heck… should I take a risk and publish it?

I never really know for sure… but I think I will risk it soon!

Thanks for reading!

Flux to Fluck?

I am in a flux today.

I am experiencing deep depression and high motivation and there is no real in-between.

On one hand I feel extremely down and tearful and struggling to even think that I’d get to April and on the other I feel pumped to exercise and morph my body over a time into how I really want it to be.

I’ve been staring in a mirror for months trying to see myself through other people’s eyes and occasionally I see something, but then I move my head a certain way and the ugly comes back to haunt me.

So, exercise raises endorphin levels when you do it after a time, but it’s getting the will to get up and just move today that’s eating at me.  Because I just want to hide under my fleece blanket and cry about things, cry deeply – I’m wearing hoodies a lot lately to hide the fact I’m crying so much to other members of the household.

They really haven’t noticed, perhaps my friend is right – I’d be a good actress?  Who knows!

When I have got used to never dreaming because things never happen for me, someone comes along and tells me that life is soon to be great and it’s like another tease.  More disappointment for the future and more broken dreams and an even more shattered heart – that’s the forecast for me I think.

I used to be a positive person, a Pollyanna and I used to tick people off with my ray of sunshine and words of encouragement – it’s like someone was bothered by it so much they’ve cursed me!

I’m told regularly, I will have great things because I have a great talent and this person and that person likes you – it’s all bullshit really, because I haven’t seen these people tell me things.

There are lots of talented people in the world who don’t have those great things – I’m not the only one and it’s not things that I want.  It’s love.

A few rich men haven’t got that into their thick heads yet – they think they can seduce me with things, but they can’t.

Why are the simplest things in life so hard to obtain?  A persons time, snuggles; words of love, support and encouragement, a good time and a laugh without judgement?

A tactile relationship that feels real and not based on lies and broken promises, a relationship where we encourage each other, instead of one of us being a sponge and draining the life out of the other in order to make the other one feel better?

I know I have had a life of abuse, but it sounds strange to roll this off the tongue, but I was always a happy kind of person, known for being bubbly and friendly and since I’ve moved here slowly and steadily I am being drained of life.

I remember before I moved here that I could never imagine the day I’d die, I was scared of death and wanted to be immortal – but now I crave death.  It’s so contrast!

My willpower for survival is weakening.

Paul told me the other day that when a problem used to occur when I first moved in and I wasn’t moved by it and stayed relaxed and the same, that it bothered him, frustrated him even.  Now, whenever there is a problem I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, where a problem can become a huge drama quite quickly and it’s a big contrast and he thought that I’d be more supportive and take it more seriously, but instead it’s made me fall apart.

I know why.

When I lived with my parents, emotions were not tolerated if it made a person loud or unmanageable and unproductive. 

When I came here, it’s ok to be loud, shouting, ranting and raving at the slightest problem and to not let go.

I’m a huge empathic sponge, I soak up the energies of people around me and become like them – I’m a spiritual chameleon of sorts.  This is why it’s essential I remove myself from this environment somehow, but it’s difficult when the energies around me are apathetic, depressed, defensive and aggressive.

On the rare occasion a visitor comes who is of lighter energy, it rubs off me quickly and I feel like the old me again – their energy can boost me for a couple of days in fact, but it never lasts.

I remember having such high energy when I first moved in that I drained Paul instead.  Paul looked awful and exhausted all the time.  Because I was always on my feet, being bubbly, finding joy in the smallest thing like a child in a candy store, no matter what happened in life – everything was like a novelty to me and it was.

Because I rarely got to choose anything and go out when I lived with my parents.

I had comments from Paul that I looked at the world in childlike wonder and innocence and that I was so excitable, he kept telling me to slow down, calm down, sit down, lie down, everything had to come down.

Till I emotionally fell down and can barely get up with the weight of it all.

Words can’t describe how I truly feel – all of this feels like intense whining of a bitter heart who hates the world for the joy it has because she hasn’t got it.  Jealous slurs, that’s probably what you’re thinking about this post right now.

If you aren’t thinking that, then I apologise.

Art would show the world more of what I feel inside, but then again I can’t use my art table right now can I?

I really miss doing art.

I think the reason why I look younger than forty is because as tragic as it sounds I cry so much my tears sometimes dry on my face and make it feel taut after a while.  Like now, my face feels tight because the tears have dried.

I try to keep my sense of humour and find something to laugh about, which is part of the manic depression I have.  One minute extremely low and playing with sharp objects near my wrists and then the next moment cracking jokes about my darkness.

I might be depressed but with the tear treatment at least it keeps me young.  It’s a little light, but still gloomy and incredibly pitiful.

But that’s where I am today.

No in between – motivated to exercise and cry my heart out at the same time whilst being at my most deeply creative. 

Lack of sleep, slept four and a half hours again last night, my average for the past few weeks actually.

Motivated to exercise because I saw a glimmer of hope in the mirror the other day that I could look exactly like Diana Dors (Diana Mary Fluck) my main idol after all!  Just dye the hair, tone up and lose around forty pound and yes, I can see its possible I could be like her…

Maybe someday I will get myself out of this dump and sell my work and get myself a red dress covered in rubies and diamonds and wear a pretty wine coloured faux fur shrug with a silk ribbon?  Maybe someday I can walk in high heels without looking like a rookie tranny and actually be elegant and swan like?

Or maybe someday I will be found in a pile of my own poems covered in blood and white as snow, cold and still like ice and maybe my finders will publish my work for me and I will become posthumously famous?

Sods law that.

Thanks for reading…

I trust wildlife

One of my crows died this morning, Kerr.

I heard a hullabaloo outside and looked out the window to see their offspring mourning on the grass verge and the rest of the murder in the sky trying to dive bomb away the local buzzard which was trying to swoop down to eat the remains.

I liked Kerr, he was quite old.

It’s odd it should happen the day after I was talking to Paul about how I haven’t seen Scruffy for weeks, another crow I like.  A female, her mate is called the Sentinel by me, as he seems to watch the house and me more than the others.

Barbar was really distressed.

I’ve lost two of my crows in a short space of time as well as a magpie, which I believed was killed by his own family.

He was a runt by comparison, I called him Rocky.  He would sit on the window ledge and was so tame I could nearly stroke him when the window was opened.  He had an obsession with a pebble that he carried everywhere with him, he was unusually thin and although he was about a year old – he was still being fed by his family, sometimes forcibly.  I think they killed him as he was a burden, he never grew up and he was quite strange for a magpie.

I miss him too.

I am silly like this, I get attached to the local wildlife and name them and I will try to tame them when they come into my garden and care for them. 

A few years ago Paul wanted to take me to live with him in Canada, but our plans fell through due to my ill-health.  He always said, he could imagine me on the porch surrounded by bears and raccoons and hand feeding them berries, treating them all like pets!

I actually think that would have happened too, if we had gone!

I am rather shamanic and very brave around all animals.

I have nearly touched a real live bear once too – they were passive, I got within two inches of their snout before their keeper stopped me in my tracks.  You see I had found a way through the bars of a zoo cage to touch them.  It was a friendly bear and it sniffed my hand and tilted its head like it was going to let me stroke it.  That zoo made renovations very quickly after this happened.

I had a deep sense of trust it wasn’t going to hurt me, because I could read its energy. 

But that’s just me, a feral creature in her own right with a deep understanding for nature; humans are far more dangerous than any bear!

All I think about is love, I send love to the animal, peace, I don’t have a fleeting feeling of fear at all – I feel happy, content, loving, peaceful and trusting and say over in my head like I am talking to the animal itself – I just want to share my love, I won’t hurt you, let me touch you. 

Thanks for reading!

The happy house

I don’t know what to write lately, so it has me thinking about going back to my old way of doing “Morning pages” to get myself out of this rut, writing random things for three pages; though not in long hand because writing more than half a page a time sets my arthritis off real bad.

I am getting into a rut of mindlessness.

I am becoming apathetic even with my imagination lately; because I think my emotions are literally eating me up, like a monster from the deep blue abyss as I lazily float on the water doing nothing.

I am lying to myself a lot about being productive in doing other things though, but it is lies nonetheless.

What are those supposedly productive things I have lied to myself about? 

Learning how to read the reversals and blockage positions of tarot cards and other types of spreads!

Checking out other people’s blogs or Pinterest boards, usually with the intent to find inspiration for my art or writing, but instead end up looking at the fashion pages or recipes.

Staring at homes wanted for local puppies in resentment that these people have dogs they don’t want and I don’t have a dog but want one.

Reading motivational posts and memes and resenting people being in their happy space, whilst I am still in my apathy and depression… I’m becoming a bad sport as time goes on and that’s totally not like me, I have started to see myself becoming bitter and sour whereas I used to be genuinely happy for other people.

I think I am turning into one of those bitter and sour spinsters you see in Victorian dramas and that scares me as I have never wanted to be like that!

I have even heard myself talking like them lately.  Someone tells me that they are ecstatically happy about something happening in their lives and I have heard myself say under my breath “it won’t last”.  I don’t know what’s got into me, but I am becoming mean.

When someone compliments me or is nice to me I am actually questioning why they did that and why would they want to?

I always thank them and tell them that they are sweet, but I do question their sanity at the same time and I won’t forget to tell them that they are an unusual spark in the world and that they shouldn’t let other people change them, but no doubt the world will, like they did with me.

It’s tragic but true and it’s scary!

I am still playful at times and I try to feign happiness and motivation – but it’s getting harder.  Several times this week I have said something uplifting to Paul, to find him blank and unresponsive and I wonder why I bothered at all to lighten the atmosphere, so I walk off and depression seeps in again!

It’s sad to know I have come to this, because only ten years ago I remember being complimented by a neighbour about how vibrant and happy my house is how I particularly seem to be so positive and laugh at the smallest thing and how I put a smile on their face every day they see or hear me.

How the other neighbours agree with them that this is a happy house that people like to walk past because of a beautiful wildlife garden full of life and hearing the almost constant laughter coming from the opened windows in the summer.

Paul has mentioned the neighbours are concerned about me as they don’t hear me anymore, it’s like I’ve vanished, like I am not here anymore, some have offered to pop in to see me – but Paul tells them it’s best not to – so I asked him why he did that?  He never answers.

I am so different these days and I don’t like it.

Who am I?

Indeed.

Thanks for reading…

Emotionally promiscuous

One thing about me and my poetry is that sometimes I have relapses.

There might be nothing negative going on in my life at all at the time, but then I sit back and I think about something and the old fears come back to haunt me.

What’s worse about all of it is how lonely I am and isolated.  How I haven’t got anyone to really care or love me as pathetic as it sounds.  It’s worse because not only am I needy, I am emotionally promiscuous (though a good girl generally) lol and confirmation bias.

I don’t whine, it’s not my nature.  I am a considerate depressant.

I try to stay happy for people around me; I try not to sap their energy.  I literally shut myself away in a room of my own and absorb myself in gloomy poetry giving you the misconception that this must be my personality – some tragic depressant who mopes around all day looking glum and ugly.

But it’s not true.

I’m one of the happy go lucky people who walks around like some kind of summer camp rep so nobody really knows what’s going on inside me, unless they live with me and catch me out!

I do everything I can to make life a happy place for others, I live for others, I am not motivated by my own selfish needs – this is why I found it essential for me to be “in the lifestyle” (BDSM lifestyle, specifically TPE).

That kind of lifestyle makes me motivated to do things consistently, because my partner or Master as they are usually known, will ensure I don’t have time to think and dwell or makes me utterly focus on them and their needs and expectations. 

I don’t mean to sound horrible or anything, but I wasn’t depressed before I moved in with Paul, my depression was diagnosed at a hospital when Henry was around five months old as being post-natal depression, which I found was wrong because I had absolutely no negative feelings for Henry; Just going through a bad patch with my mum and getting down in life in general because of the state of the house.  I explained this to them, but they wouldn’t have it.

I was at the hospital because of chronic heartburn being mistaken for a heart attack, by the way – at the time my blood pressure was sky high and still hadn’t regulated after the birth!  103 over 145 I think it was at the time!

I was hospitalised regularly with blood pressure and extreme morning sickness when I was pregnant with Henry, morning sickness was so bad I lost approximately thirty pounds in weight before he was even born!

Anyway, I digress…

The fact of the matter is – my poetry sometimes seems aimed at people specifically but it’s not.  People from my distant past maybe and fears about possible reoccurrences in the future in new people – but most of the time, it’s just current bouts of fear and uncertainty.

I’m scared you see.

I’ve given myself a time line, that if something hasn’t drastically changed in my life by April (and I don’t mean career wise, I mean on a personal level), then I think I am likely to do something stupid.

Because I’ve had enough of not getting any sort of comfort, love, security, health, warmth and happiness.

With this to be considered first things first – I will reluctantly try and get into the lifestyle again around the end of March to test the water and see what’s available for a forty year old – not much I know, a submissive should be between 21 and 30 by most master standards, especially if they want to have a family, like I do.  I may extend my deadline to the end of May, depends.

But generally in my past, when I’ve been on those sites I’ve found someone and moved in with them in less than a month – I’ve always moved fast in relationships, I am impulsive like that!  But I have to consider I am fourteen years older than I was the last time I was on there and overweight, with a tooth missing and no professional qualifications or good health to inspire a new master to take me on.

Especially not in the roles I was used to at the time – I was a consensual slave, not a submissive – a vast difference and I was always involved in what they call a princess slave role, an alpha slave girl of a poly household – this meant I was trained to keep other girls in line, because I can switch.

Thing is, it’s difficult if there are masters who switch too, because I find it difficult domming a master who I love and respect, in a humiliating way.  In a passive way, fine, like letting them suck my toes and worship my body etc. – but the whole spitting on them and that I can’t do – because I respect them too much!

I also had daddy dominants, I am very playful by my very nature and never really grew up – but I am not infantilised if you understand me?  But I can roleplay really well!

I was also a kitten girl for a time too, but that’s pretty boring as you are animalised and aren’t expected to be human.  I liked reading books and the master I had back then found it amusing I wanted to read, and relented occasionally to giving me books to read inside my cage.  Yes I had a cage.  I was a part time live out kitten girl. 

Boring for someone who thrives on chores, cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing etc. -I am very domestic! 

I don’t do well in vanilla (normal) relationships because my partners get annoyed at me constantly asking their opinions on things – which dress should I wear today?  What should I eat?  What should I do today?  I am perfectly happy to hand that level of control over to a person – depending on how healthy it is and safe Etc. 

I was very sought after before I moved in with Paul because I hadn’t very many limits and I am a pain slut, as they call them, women who find pleasure with certain types of pain.  Most of my limits were due to medical reasons, or squeamishness that resorted to play not being very fun!  Or anything that triggered my PTSD, such as humiliation – that’s a hard limit!  I’m a praise worth, I function better with praise, attention and tenderness.

Around the right people my confidence can bloom or crash, depends on them and depends on circumstances, with the right people I feel as though I can do anything and I can become a bit of a daredevil if I feel, safe, loved and protected!

I don’t like masters who like breaking people down to rebuild them, I like the kind that wants the best from a charge and always thinks the best for their charge, the kind that see their good girls as precious and when they are bad they will know it!

If I am lucky to find someone before May, I’ll live – but my blog may be closed, depends on the master.  I surrender completely to the right ones.

If not, I can’t guarantee I’d want to carry on to be honest.

I am getting older; all I want is love, a family, a purpose.  As I said I am never motivated for myself and there is no incentive to stay here, I am not needed here with Paul.

But it’s scary because a new master could do anything and I will tolerate a lot until I think things are too unsafe.  I really don’t want to come back to Paul again, but he is my safety net – he’s promised.

I was sought after for another reason too – I don’t need micromanaging like most!  I have a brain, I use it and I have been trained to determine what the master wants, because I pay attention!  I ask a lot of questions, which isn’t always ideal for most – but the good ones appreciate it, because they know I am trying to make an effort to understand them and adjust for them.

Another of my limits is, I won’t submit to women – absolutely not!  They can submit to me however, but never try to make me less than the best female in the room!

I have a jealous heart and I like being smug and precious.

So shoot me, guilt trip me, do whatever you want – but I am proud to be me!

I know you will miss me if I find someone who doesn’t like me blogging and I know the world will lose what you call “a talent”, but hopefully I will be happier.

Who knows?

There are a lot of bad masters out there, I know…

Just felt I needed to explain myself is all!

This is why I like men with big egos, smart, social, virile and sarcastic – pure heaven if they are into the lifestyle and have a knack for motivating others in a positive, robust and fun and patient kind of way!

Thanks for reading! 

Who am I meditation

WHO AM I?

This meditation was literally me singing and chanting “Who am I” over and over again slowly and elongating the words each time until I heard a voice speaking to me. I sat in silence for 45 minutes listening to them and writing things down in a trance like state.

This is a meditation reading I did today to find out if I really did truly know myself and I am happy with the response, because it looks like I was spot on as this reading really does reflect who I am! 

Though I am too humble to accept some of it!   

I can zone out in meditation and write, it is a similar technique I use for writing and so here is the reading… enjoy! 

Decent and law-abiding, someone with a strong sense of right and wrong.  A mindful person who cares a lot for other people! 

You always try to be balanced and harmonious, you do not like letting your emotions consume you in a way that would affect another person’s energies negatively, and you would rather remove yourself from others so you do not drain them!

You are a well-connected person who guards their heart ferociously and the hearts of those you care about.

You are not happy with yourself unless you are achieving something almost all the time.

You have a strong maternal and nurturing spirit about you! 

You have trust issues and guard your heart and emotions too much that it can sometimes be hard to let others in fully, especially if there was the slightest bit of negativity between the person and you in the past.  You easily wear your heart on your sleeves with people who are kind to you though.

You are a very affectionate and fun personality around family and close friends, but distant with strangers until you warm to them over a time – generally your instinct for new people is usually very accurate – keep trusting that intuition of yours! 

You are creative and make friends easily if there is nothing negative going on with new people.

You don’t like being alone, you are all about togetherness and being in large warm groups of people!

You celebrate the smallest achievements in other people wholeheartedly!

You are a person who is afraid of using their creative talents in case it burdens you in some way!

You are very good at communicating your feelings to other people to offload yourself and them!

You are always trying to grow yourself spiritually and emotionally and sees life as an opportunity for transition and continuous flows of change

You are a person when in love that has tremendous patience with your partner and the capacity to accept them for who they are and to empathise with them, though you can be very smothering with affections most of the time.

You have very strange quirks and habits and some people may find you too weird to socialise with, you aren’t suitable socialising with very conservative folk!

You are quite submissive in nature regarding intimate relationships and very self-sacrificing.

You are not known for your logic at times and sometimes depending on the situation you may have a little bit of a vengeance spirit in you – but the vengeance never overtakes your integrity for true justice in the matter!

You may have a hidden masculine side to you, a side that likes the idea of power in work and society, even though at home you’d rather be the peace keeper and surrender everything to your special loved one.

It is easy for you to walk away from negative relationships without looking back as you have had enough of people trying to deplete your self-worth, you submit to the worthy only and the worthy has to be just and kind.

You mirror the negativity in others if they try to do you down or crush you in anyway; it is how you have learned to survive!  Therefore it is essential that you keep away from violent people, because it could hinder your growth spiritually. 

You are a true hedonist that has addictions to both fun and sex and general all round pleasure pursuits.

You have a small mischievous sadistic streak in you, which is usually fun and playful but can be a little nasty when you think people need to be taught a lesson, as we have mentioned before, you have a vengeance nature to you and if you are around physically aggressive people you will try to match them regardless of gender and ability!

You are a responsible and focused person when around the right people, but you are not easily motivated without them.  You need the right people around you or you will stagnate and become a lazy mess!

You are quite disciplined around the right people and you are quite ambitious, loyal and practical if you think that you have the right and supportive people by your side!  You will never achieve anything alone, you are a pack animal, and you don’t thrive in solo situations. 

You are curious and adventurous and nobody can ever call you truly boring once you have the courage to do things!

You tend to find your courage in the support of other people; you are less confident alone and tend to close yourself off into a corner and rot away when you haven’t got them around you! 

You are a natural leader with a natural charm about you, but you may not utilise this very well if you isolate yourself and socialise with the wrong types of people!

You need gregarious people in your life, because you are a naturally gregarious soul! 

You have a very clear vision of the future and is very innovative and creative!

You are an unconventional person with some traditional leanings, but you like to do things on a new more liberal stance, you are open minded and broad in what you accept and dislike those who try to suppress other people’s individualism.

You can be ferocious in supporting people who you like, even if you don’t know them very well! 

You have the tendency to be very passive in relationships and committed to the person to your own detriment at times, you will forego so much of yourself when you are in the wrong hands.  You can be vulnerable, insecure and persevering too much, that sometimes you forget that you too have needs!

With the right kind of relationship, a relationship that supports and nurtures, you will fly high and succeed at almost everything you put your mind to!  Because you were meant for great things and only great people are worthy of being in your life!

You’d do well with a partner who expects the best from you and motivates you each day! 

You are a highly intuitive and lucky person, the good things in life easily fall into your lap because it is your destiny to have those things – you were not meant to have a mediocre life and an existence of hardships and solitary confinement.

How best can you be who you truly are?

Seek out people who are successful, motivational and supportive, leave those which do not fit these categories.

Do not forget to take time out to meditate and reconnect to your spirit family, they are there to guide you in every aspect of your life.

Do not neglect your inner child but also keep it in check, because sometimes it can get out of control with the pursuit of pleasure! 

Take care not to soak up the negative energies of those people around you whose zest for life has virtually depleted.

Keep with your daily affirmations and visualisation of the better things, because this energy you exude when focusing on such things creates it for you in abundance – when you focus on negative energies, especially self-pity you are putting a blockage in those things you are trying to manifest!

You are on the right track for eliminating negative people from your life mercilessly, keep doing that and only keep the people around you that you deserve, because this is the way that you will personally thrive!

Do not be afraid to dream big, because big things are destined for you – VERY BIG THINGS!

Feet to source

It’s a funny thing being me, especially with the kind of past I have had and the kind of life I have lived – if you can call it a life that is…

Especially if you’ve read me for a while, you’d know my life has been a life of mostly isolation growing up and it wasn’t much better when I got away from my abusers, I had three years of true freedom before I became bedbound sick for a number of years.

You’d know too, that I am getting better, not spending so much time in bed anymore and I am able to do a little more for myself, such as exercise a little and today in particular was the first time I ever cooked anything since around 2017.  Nothing big, we have a lot of pecans going to waste as nobody but me seems to like them outside of a pecan pie – so I decided to get people eating them I’d make them into candied pecans.

To say I did it though feels wrong, as I had too much help from Paul; help I really didn’t need, but there you go – I don’t have the heart to tell people to go away I’m fine, especially when I know that its touchy for him when I say things like that.

It’s also difficult to do it effectively where you wouldn’t burn the caramel you’re making when he is standing in the kitchen like a saw thumb between you and the nuts, so you have to communicate to him to pass them – only he doesn’t – he puts them in for you, takes the spoon out of your hand and completes the rest.   Making me feel like a privileged child as I spoon it all out the pan whilst he holds it onto a baking sheet to dry – it’s lovely he wants to help me, but it’s frustrating too as I am trying to be more independent around the house so I can move out.

It wasn’t how I’d like to do the candied pecans either, we don’t have brown sugar and had to use white cane sugar instead, not the same; also there was no vanilla in the house.

A simple thing like making candied pecans in fifteen minutes is a battle for independence, I’d never thought I’d say that when I moved out of my mother’s in 2009.

Three years ago I used to love my garden, now I am getting to the subject that was the catalyst for this post; until the bad neighbour moved in next door and started sexually harassing me every five minutes, literally!  But of course there is no proof, no CCTV to show the police about it, so Paul just shrugs it off and does nothing – so the garden is no longer a haven or a means of exercise or joy for me anymore.

Paul hates gardening so he doesn’t really like just standing around like a sentinel scarecrow to make the guy keep away, because he won’t do anything when he knows Henry and Paul are around he is a coward!

I miss my garden a lot – my whole life I was raised in a garden, literally!

As a child I was sort of home-educated mostly between short bursts of mainstream schooling and when I wasn’t having the occasional lesson from my dyslexic mother, I would be bare foot out in the garden for hours on end, playing with the dogs, the neighbours cats and my rabbit.

The garden was my place, until my parents claimed it when I was around nineteen years old.  I grew things donated to me from lovely elderly neighbours who’d pass things over the fence to me for me to plant and care for, whilst telling me how to look after them.

Now you’d want to be deadheading those daffodils with a good pair of scissors, leave the foliage alone to die back naturally or the bulbs will be useless for next year!

Things like that.

My parents had a three room stone shed in the garden, they were big rooms too, and the middle room had its very own toilet, which meant I didn’t need to go indoors unless I was hungry or thirsty!

The room further into the garden was my dad’s shed for storing tools and lawnmowers etc. – but the room closest to the house was mine from late March to late October and was decked out like a Wendy House by me, I wanted a light out there but I wasn’t allowed, but I was gifted candles and matchsticks by people and sometimes used to sit in the dark windowless room by candlelight pretending it was my very own home!

I played in the garden all year around, but I lost my little house for those few months because it was a warmer place to store the rabbit – or so my parents said – out of the wind and all of that.

Paul was horrified that I had gardened so much and ran about barefoot, because I have never not even to this day ever had a tetanus shot!  My parents were anti-vaxers – I had my first ever vaccine two weeks after Henry was born, an MMR vaccine and I really should think about getting a tetanus shot someday too!

But until the bad neighbour moved in, I was out in the garden quite a lot and half of the time I was bare foot – I say half the time, because Paul was always moaning at me to put the shoes back on again as it isn’t safe… but I like feeling grounded to the earth and I am pretty sure it’s why I got sick – the lack of connection to the Earth, I was took from my feral habitat from a North London garden to the midlands where they wear shoes all the time!

I don’t think it’s good for me!

You can’t take a semi-feral nature’s child and put her in shoes all day and expect her to wear slippers even around the house, because of whatever nonsense notions you’ve got.  I like being barefoot and why can’t I be barefoot around the house? 

And what is wrong about dipping toes in the local lake, when you’re sitting on a pier watching the fish, swans and toads whilst you are scooping handfuls of birdseed into the beaks of ducks and geese?

Yes the water has algae but it doesn’t stick to my feet and its not toxic waste, so what’s the problem?  My Henry’s life is far too sanitary thanks to Paul and thanks to Paul; Henry has a phobia of all insects, dogs and soil!

Why soil, you may ask?  Because Paul has given him the misconception that all soil is some kind of poo or dead creature!  Enough to put anyone off touching soil with that tosh!

I feel so much like a fish out of water in this place you’d have no idea!

Yes, shoes are nice, I like shoes, in fact I am like a normal woman in regards to loving shoes and handbags and bracelets, more than any other fashion item!  Before poverty stepped in I had thirty pairs of shoes, I tend to buy for every kind of weather and every colour I can so I can match my clothing.

But its quite another thing to connect to the earth via your feet!

Also it’s weird wearing one colour entirely and then having completely different shoe colours – it’s ok if it is black, but if say you are wearing black and have red shoes that’s weird to me, or mostly brown dress and you have green shoes… to me it just feels wrong!  Unless you balance it off with the same colour hat or clutch!

But I digress… I have felt desperate for nearly three years to get into my garden to a cleared area and just stand there in my bare feet and soak up the energies of the Earth… especially since our house sits on top of an underground river, where my energies are regularly being taken down stream quite literally without any boost.

Despite how isolated I was growing up, I always had a strong connection to the Earth.  A feral child who practically learned the shamanic arts all by herself by sitting, observing nature in its entirety and befriending the wildlife like a Disney princess and absorbing everything… crazy I know, but I have a strong connection and understanding for animals and I believe they speak to me because I understand them… people laugh at me when I tell them that until they witness the most astonishing things!

You have bear and horse whisperers in the world; well I am one of those kinds of people, though I tend to whisper to everything… except most wasps, most wasps are highly strung creatures!

My neighbour in London thought we had a rabid squirrel once, when he was shrieking loudly clinging for dear life on the pebbledash walls of their house, screaming at our bedroom window – I explained no he isn’t rabid, he is just angry that it’s nearly 11am and I haven’t opened the window yet to feed him the peanuts I usually give him by 10am!

They laughed and called me crazy, so I told them, look up at the window now, I’ll feed him and he will be quiet until tomorrow… if I am late again he’ll scream, I will prove to you its why he is shouting – then the next day I will feed him the normal time and you won’t hear him at all.  They didn’t believe me until the squirrel reacted exactly as I predicted on all occasions!

The neighbour was amazed!  This same squirrel caused chaos for three months when I moved in with Paul, because for three months he was sure I’d be there and I weren’t.

Same here with Paul – my strongest spirit guide is a crow, raven or magpie in fact any corvid.  All of those communicate with me a lot and if they don’t see me for more than two days, it is like the owl scene from Harry Potter, only with crows and magpies around the house!

If I am going away for any length of time, I have to tell the local magpie or crows because of the chaos they will cause in the street I live if I don’t!

A crow saved my life once; I think I mentioned it in a previous post?  Funny really, because I’ve saved two in my life!

What’s even more funny is that it was only recently I was told by a fellow witch that crows symbolise the cross between alternate realities and worlds, I knew they were the keepers of secrets and messengers from the spirit realm, but I never knew they were known for flying between realities and that people who have them as their main animal spirit guide tend to be the strongest of shamans.

It would explain a lot really, as I am able to go into trances pretty quickly, my clairvoyance skills are very strong and I do live between realities a lot.  In fact, whenever I go into a new spiritual shop who don’t know me very well, the first thing the owners tend to say to me or other witches that are there is… you need to ground yourself love, we feel you’re not doing that enough!

That’s something a lot of people who knows me always think about me… you’re just not grounded enough, come back Tina!

There is a friend my mum had once who had a dog who was cared for by someone whilst she went on a holiday to Turkey, my friend wanted to know why her dogs behaviour had changed so much when she got back!  I did my usual, looked into the dogs eyes deeply and I said, “What’s got into you”?  He kicked me, she said through her eyes… I said this out loud and my mum’s friend screamed out WHAT?  WHO?  I said who?  She named the person, because apparently there were three carers she had on hand.  She named them; I didn’t know the person but told the friend.

The friend was amazed that I got this information from her dog and how the blazes do I know his name?

I just pointed at the dog and my mum shook her head and told her friend, she never lives in this world I’ve told you! 

Her friend always referred to me for spiritual readings but she was amazed I could communicate like that with her dog!

Crazy… maybe… but I have stunned a lot of atheists with accuracies and Paul is one of them – he is a hard-core atheist, but even he admits that he can’t deny the things that happen around the house since I moved in!

The problem comes with how busy I am, the more busy I am the more disconnected I am to the source where I am able to be like this!  I remember before I got sick, it was the least spiritual time of my life – I was walking around with shoes on most of the time because of Pauls concerns for my feet – and I was too busy with everything that I was doing to even meditate and then CRASH – I got sick and I don’t think it was a coincidence!

I need a good long holiday somewhere where there is a lot of wildlife and nature, somewhere I can walk barefoot whenever I like, sit on the ground and dip my toes in a natural spring or running water, breathe fresh air, meditate and away from human noise – talk to some animals and the ancestors of the earth, have lots of sex and reconnect to my source in a big way!

Yes sex is important… more important than you think!  LOL I run on tantric energy!

Despite this… it sounds like I love being a solitary creature doesn’t it?  But no, I hate it in fact!

For me living in solitude is like a toxin… I don’t get that buzzing feeling I usually get when I socialise… I recharge alone to some extent, but I don’t buzz and become fully charged in solitude… I am not like that!

As I once joked on here before, I have the life of some kind of yogi.

But that should really be taken quite seriously.

As I am getting older I am sticking more to my instincts and intuition more than what I read in books and I am getting stronger spiritually in myself.  This is being seen by quite a few people.

For example, most books told me to use white light healing around me – this actually makes me ill and it isn’t good for me, so I told the people who suggested this to me and they said it’s because I am blocking the spiritual power, let myself go and continue.  But I got sicker.

For me, when I was spell crafting it was always electrical blue light for magick and dense gold light for anything else… when I ignored the white light and went with dense gold, I got results!

So much so, that now when I think of the dense gold light, I am actually visibly turning gold by sensitive onlookers, which gets a lot of conversations starting up in spiritual shops I can tell you!

My Henry for example was very startled by this a few weeks back!

He never believed his mother is a former witch, until he saw that golden glow in my face and palms of my hands whilst I was trying to heal a wound of his with reiki.  Weirdly enough, that mark he had would have been on him for two weeks, if I hadn’t of used the reiki on him that I did – the mark vanished within hours!

This post is getting a bit long now so I think I will stop here…

Thanks for reading! 

The animal in me

What animals are in my soul according to how I see it… what quirks and personality traits do those animals have that I see in myself?

This is my honest opinion about who I am, in my animalistic side.

My strongest personality I believe is the spirit of the dog or the wolf, which I believe are the same animal really! 

I consider myself very friendly and easily excitable around my favourite people, people I trust and the better I know somebody the more playful I tend to become.  I am also very emotionally insecure and always out to get affection of some kind or another, or give affection and be amongst my pack in general.

I am a pack animal who is outcast as it were, right now – I am without a pack and it is killing me inside, it really is!

I mean it when I say I am excitable around my favourite people!  I exuberate the energy of “oh my goodness, you’re great, you’re this and that, I love you, come here, give a hug, who hurt who?  Let me at them”!  It’s quite funny to see me at times…

Yes I am needy I suppose, no shame in that I guess?

I want to be everyone’s friend but the world seems to fight back against people like me, fiercely it would seem!

I can easily adopt people if they are nice to me, it’s my nature but also like a dog or a wolf I don’t forgive others who bite or bark at me if they’ve been too fierce!  But boy can I be a bitch (pun intended) if you hurt the ones I love and who mean a lot to me!

Like a dog, I can easily feel shame and guilt about the slightest thing, rolling over trying to win back the favour of those I have disappointed if I love them, like some attention seeking hussy!

The other animal I am like is a squirrel – in the right places I tend to have a lot of excess energy and excitement, a bit like a hyperactive dog – but it can be more extreme.  Like a squirrel I love nuts, to eat them but also I like nuts as in people who are considered oddballs of society or Bohemian. 

Like a squirrel I am a bit of an airhead and can forget a lot of things, because I store away knowledge and items all the time and what’s worse, I move them around in case other people borrow them a lot, so sometimes those items can be lost to me… forever… so it would seem!

Also squirrels plant trees, I plant trees too, lots of trees, I like trees.

Give me caffeine or candy or a combination of them both I start talking like a horse racing commentator and speed walk everywhere at high energy for several hours, laughing my head off!

And like a squirrel I can often freak out about things, like the worry wart I am!  When I am stressed or worried, I talk so fast and so high pitched that people just stare at me wide eyed and think rightfully so… “What the fuck”?

Paul has got into the habit of grabbing me by the shoulders after I’ve told him things and then looks at me calmly and says to me…. “Breath, now tell me again… SLOWLY”!

So sometimes I start off again at the same speed and he patiently says “tut tut tut, slowly and focus”… to see us together like this makes you think I am demented or something, but sometimes even I feel I might be at times!

It’s more fun when I have had caffeine and candy and I am worried or have been recently affronted by something… its full steam ahead then, won’t get sense out of me for hours!

An ex of mine had the right idea when I get like that – just snog my brains out and I calm down and become passive almost immediately and then I manage to talk like I have actually got a brain instead of a hamster on a wheel in my head!

Another animal I am like is self-explanatory – rabbits.  You must know me enough by now to know what I am on about here!  The innuendo of what rabbits representation to society is enough for your imagination – but it is also one of the major things which boost my energy!

I am definitely an energiser bunny!

You can also see the rabbit in me when I garden as I often like to kneel on the ground and dig deep holes like I am making a warren… I don’t do it aimlessly, I am not insane!  There is always a purpose for the hole, such as a plant.

I lied.  I am insane, don’t you believe otherwise!

A cow is another animal, I am very nurturing by nature and I tend to graze rather than eat meals, because my body struggles with volume these days, a sandwich is a huge meal to me of late.

If we had the budget my diet would be reminiscent of my grandma’s advice, 7 small meals a day, no bigger than a tea plate (sandwich plate), because volume is an issue!

I remember I thrived when I lived her, it meant of course I seem to constantly eat – but I was thinner for it and I never had stomach ache!

Like the dogs, cows like to go around in herds or packs and I do miss having people in my life.

I miss having a nurturing role, Paul has made my ability as a mother almost obsolete since I’ve become ill, he has taken over everything and there is a huge power struggle for me to become an active mother again with Henry!

I can’t even nurture this family in other ways, such as baking or cooking because of finances but also because Paul has kept the kitchen in a manner that things I need are out of access for me or the kitchen is in such a mess that it takes me three hours of cleaning before I am happy to do anything in there!  It’s not as simple as pop into the kitchen to make a tuna sandwich, because the tuna is in a section of the cupboard I can’t reach because of a mound of boxes in the way and Paul is much taller than I am – I am 5ft 8 and still struggle to get things!

Even on tippy toes I can’t reach the highest shelves of a cupboard and that’s where most of the snacks are stored, so Henry doesn’t binge behind our backs, but it also means I am heavily reliant on Paul to reach them for me as he has forbidden me to use the step ladder, due to my vertigo issues.  I don’t have a fear of height; I have vertigo because of ear damage.  I am fine using them, but he is over protective.

Like a cow, I like to be around children as much as possible and I love to mingle with others in nature.

Another creature I am like is a peacock, though it strongly depends on who I am around.  I am heavily influenced by other people who are in my life the most.  If I am around people where image doesn’t matter, I fall on the wayside with them and don’t make an effort because it’s never noted or appreciated when I do.

I absolutely adore people who are vain, narcissistic or believe that image is everything… they are my kind of people; they are the kinds of people who keep me to my standards!  But I don’t like the ones who make things too personal.  Yes, nag me to take care of myself, my hair, and my fashion, give me tips and advice, but don’t go getting personal about weight and things I can’t change like nose shape and eye shape etc.

I know I am overweight, I am working on it, I don’t need to be told, I am already deeply ashamed about that aspect about me without being reminded or judged for it!

There is nothing I can do about my nose and eyes other than surgery and I don’t want to be the Bride of Frankenstein, no offence.  Though I do need surgery on my nose, because I have broken cartilage that has never healed, but it’s not aesthetic. 

Also I don’t like the ones who think there is something I can do about my big scars.  Yes I know make up works wonders, but some of my scars go into my hairline and messes my hair up if I use cosmetics in those areas!

Always be kind in your advice, never vitriolic.

I love glamour, but I am not well versed in using make up – I never had a feminine influence who taught me things like that.  It’s something I need to learn!

Like my mother never made a point about hygiene, I learned from other people who took care of me over the years.

I remember when I had my first menses as a child, I was unusually early, 8yrs old – my mother gave me sanitary towels but never told me how to use them and for the first few months I wore them with the glue attached to my vagina and not the underwear – when I got my first hairs I learned I had been doing it wrong, because I complained to her about it one day and she called me a fool!

But anyway, I love fashion and I like to stand out a little.  But I do love my baggy comforts and rough and ready looks in dungarees and what not on a day to day basis.  But generally, I love to play with my looks whenever possible because I am a suppressed attention whore, I know I love attention if I can get it and showing off my latest outfits is one way to get attention!

I know when I was a lot younger I was very much the “notice me, notice me” type – but I got beaten pretty badly off my pedestal over the years.

I refuse to believe that as I get older my ability to be a peacock is less and less obtainable, I mean just look at some of the classic stars in Hollywood still bombing around at their best at ninety!

There’s life in the old dog yet, lol what am I saying?  I am only forty!

Growing up I loved the egotistical and I have a playlist called “Vanity” where I have all sorts of songs on it, one of them happens to be the theme tune “Sexy boy” from the wrestler Shawn Michaels – “eat your heart out girls, hands off the merchandise”!  I had Shawn Michaels as a pin up in my bedroom but the bigger poster I had was his quote rather than him “IMAGE IS EVERYTHING”!

Gosh, if I hadn’t of been brutalised, what would I have been like right now as a person?

Though I say all this, yet I am nothing like how I want to be right now – I am a shocking mess, enough to make the true inner me heave whenever I look in the mirror.  But I do feel – why bother when nobody cares and you’re just spending money on your looks that you can’t afford?

I spruce myself up occasionally but it doesn’t get a reaction from anyone around here, not even Paul.

I am embarrassed to say, my depression got so bad in 2016 I found it hard to get the motivation to do basic things like brush my hair etc. around the house – I wasn’t going out as I was bedbound and so often times I didn’t bother.  It made me go around the twist a bit and I think I went stir crazy, because one day I woke up and decided to literally buzz cut my hair clean off!

With the alopecia I have, I am near wanting to do that again, but scared I’ll regret it, especially as my hair is long now and it’s becoming a pacifier for me to brush my hair through with my fingers when I feel insecure.

I think I am also like a snake – it hurts to admit this, because my mother used to call me that a lot when I was growing up and made me feel guilt, shame and disgust for it. 

Why do I think I am like a snake?

Because when someone hurts me, I am quieter than I used to be – I am more observant and I tend to strike at their weakest moment and strike hard!

I think I am a snake because like a snake I sit in the grass watching my attackers, seeing what they are doing to me or trying to do to me and I am calculating… calculating their next move, then WHAM!  I find out their weakness and it’s not pretty. 

I have always been the quiet observer – as my auntie always said “you’ve got to watch the quiet ones”, she kept warning people not to push me too far as I am one they’ve got to be more careful of!

A snake isn’t untrustworthy; it’s a misunderstood creature because it has a superior intelligence for survival, which is unique in the world.  Because they do strike when you least expect it, because you never respected the snake, you underestimated it – you thought it was small and helpless and an easy touch – but the snake will always show you!

If someone criticises me and I give a small strained smile and go quiet, just understand, you’ve hurt me more than you think.  I tend not to be vocal about my hurt feelings too much with people I hardly know.

But also that same smile can be confusing I guess – because it is the same smile I have when I feel anxious or not very confident.

I am also like an elephant… I never forget – I forgive sometimes – but I never forget and I will always make sure you never forget either, if you’ve ever hurt me!

I am also big and a klutz and I survive with my hearing loss because I rely on vibrations, like elephants do!  I also don’t know my own strength, I am unusually strong really.

I mean, before I got sick I could carry a two hundred a fifty pound man over my shoulder!

I used to have big aspirations as a glamazon strength contest woman, this was a thing in the early 2000s in the UK – like the strongest women in the world contest but they were also glamour pusses too!  Not all of them had grotesquely huge muscles; some looked like normal women, but could bench press three hundred or more pounds.

I got out of that ambition when I was 21 because men found it a turn off.

I still kind of dream about doing something similar again, like I used to dream about being a gladiator or a contestant on that show or a female professional wrestler, yes, these are genuine past ambitions I once had!

I loved fitness a lot and it is something I really want to get back into again in a big way – but again, without other like-minded folk in my life, it’s hard to motivate myself!

I like to think that I could get fit enough again where I could potentially do those things in the future and maybe go on the new show Apocalypse Wow too!

But I can be a bit rough with people and I have been known to break the stems of wine glasses by holding them too tight – really I sometimes wonder if I am half orc or something!

I look big and muscular whether overweight or not and people are often shocked when they hear me talk when I feel anxious or shy, because… yeah… my voice doesn’t match my physique and no… I do not have an annoyingly high pitched voice… I have a really strange calm, soothing voice by all accounts that sounds slightly young, but it’s not high pitched unless I am excited or angry.

The closest British actress I can think of that has a voice similar to me is Camille Codari, she is definitely a close sound alike – Americans will probably know her from the John Goodman and Peter O’Toole movie King Ralph!  But also Jackie Tyler from Dr Who; I can be a sociopath at times and put on voices depending on the situation, I am self-conscious of my childish common natural voice, so I do try and suppress it a lot.

My grandma did a lot of elocution lessons on me as I was growing up and so I do know how to talk more mature and aristocratic when I need to and keep it up for quite some time!  It was an essential survival tactic I needed as I was growing up in mixed religious and class cultures.

I can put on a voice that does suit my looks but it is the kind of voice that gets you noticed in public and I don’t like that – it’s a rough and ready school ma’am type of voice, that sounds like I won’t have any funny business!  Lol!  That voice can sound reminiscent of Pam Ferris or Martita Hunt, scary contrast if you ask me!

But there you go me in animal form.

Cross of changes

This time last year I would struggle to see how my habits and day to day activities would have changed so much in such a short space of time – I would want to question, what’s happened to me?

I still do… but I think I know what’s happened…

Yes, it all goes back to my instinct that everything is going to change soon and I mean everything!

For me on a personal level, on all levels of personal life – not the world, this isn’t some kind of big major worldwide prophecy; no… it’s very personal to me.

I think this energy has spurred me on to fight for life a bit.

Though I do have setbacks, I am not as depressed as I used to be and I am not so absorbed in unhealthy things and trying to zone out as much as I was.  As I said, I do have setbacks; there are days where I wonder if I should bother to fight – but then this energy shows up and acts like some kind of motivational coach with me.

Don’t dare give up on the idea of “me” kind of energy!

Somebody is coming into my life soon, I can feel it – and I think they have a strong spiritual connection to me whoever they might be.  They don’t want me giving up on them, because by not focusing on changes in my life and by not fighting for my life, I would have given up on them!

Now this can all be in my head – I may very well be suffering from imaginary friend syndrome or something along those lines… but is it so bad for me, if it makes me get up in the morning, change my eating habits, exercise a little and make outlandish plans for myself and make me fierce about any adversary? 

If it’s a spirit tricking me, then are they really malevolent for doing so?

Except for the fact that this idealistic person not coming into my life after all and heart-breaking me a year down the line… the rest of it is pretty good, no?

So, what’s changed?

Whether for good or bad, I am not reading more than a couple of pages a day on average now.

I find it hard to sit around for longer than an hour without doing some small thing.

I am singing a lot and starting to dance a bit.

I am not playing games online for longer than an hour a day anymore.

I am talking to strangers more – OK, they are online, but I never used to bother so much until recently.

I am forcing myself to eat a high protein and Vitamin C diet.

I am trying to get 20 minutes of exercise every two days at minimum.

I am fighting to spend time and be more active in my son Henry’s life more, instead of giving up without a fight to whatever his dad wants!

I am no longer afraid of telling Paul exactly what I think about him and what’s going on in our situation in regards to the poverty, the house falling apart etc. – I am no longer accepting our life!

I am starting to get back my old high standards for myself and living in general – unfortunately there are too many obstacles but I am trying to smash them down wherever possible!

I haven’t stuck to my goals in regards to my writing, because I am too focused on my transition and because the environment is too chaotic at times.

I also decided that I am going to throw caution to the wind and practise reiki on my son to see if it helps his behaviour and it has!

Henry was diagnosed autistic last week and since I started to treat him exactly how I did my former clients and since doing reiki on him, he is a different person.  Henry and I have come to an agreement that many things we like to do or say together should be kept away from his dad, because his dad gets hot-headed about it all.

Henry likes to learn about culture and religion, particularly the Jewish aspect of our ancestry and he likes to ask questions about other religions such as Christianity and specific biblical figures such as Moses and Jesus.  But if Paul over hears us, the arguments that blow out of control is… I can’t describe it, sorry!

So Henry and I have agreed to be more private about it and talk about it when his dad is downstairs and we’re in his room together or he is in mine.

Henry clings to tradition; it’s his comfort blanket, as it is mine… I can understand that, but Paul can’t!

Henry was so excited about something he learned about Jesus today that he absent-mindedly rushed off to tell his dad – but was met with terse rejection and then Paul started ranting about his mess and stuff and Henry came back in tears to me, hugging me tightly because he doesn’t understand why his dad hates it all so much!

Because Henry was raised to dislike Jesus for being a terrorist etc – yet I put Henry straight and said on the contrary, he was a God fearing man who respected God and was even a rabbi – Henry was shocked that Jesus was Jewish and Henry admitted to me that he was always afraid of Jesus because he thought he was a bad guy.  I said, no – but what is wrong is that he is would turn in his grave if he knew people worshipped him instead of God!

Henry’s eyes literally lit up, he looked so enlightened and it was a lovely change in him, he looked genuinely joyous!

But this and other things we can’t talk about around Paul – professional wrestling, robot wars, and the history of politics and good family memories to a certain extent.

Unfortunately, it’s all the things that Henry loves and shuts himself away doing on his own for hours every night.

Henry is slowly learning there is a vast contrast between me and his dad and Henry asked me a couple of days ago – “why didn’t you even share and say these things to me before” and the answer was simple and true… because your dad wouldn’t like it!

Why am I choosing to go behind Paul’s back now?

Because Henry needs the balance, Henry feels attacked at all sides and when I don’t take any stance at all and just sit there – he looks at me imploring me for help or a response and when I just say… do as your dad says, he looks defeated and broken and that’s hard to stomach long term!  Especially when you feel that what your partner or ex-partner has just done, is wrong!

Henry’s biggest struggle in life is learning that his father will not give him a cultural identity.

Everybody needs some kind of cultural identity, even if they are mixed up like my family – it shows us where we are from and shapes who we are, take that away and you are left to wonder what you are… what do you stand for and all kinds of existential worries!

Something like that is hard on an adult, let alone a child, especially an autistic one that doesn’t even have the security blanket an autistic person needs of a regular schedule day to day.

Henry functions quite normally at school, because it is scheduled.  Since Henry was three years old, around the time I got sick – I have been fighting Paul to get dinner at 6pm sharp.  But dinner in this house can be anywhere between 4pm and 10pm, there is no regular meal time table here and its worse in the school holidays.

Since Henry’s diagnosis I have tried to instil in Paul, schedule is everything for an autistic child, please sort it out!

But it goes in one ear out the other.

It drives me crazy no having a schedule too, my stomach can’t stomach meal times that are all over the place!

You try giving a child a roast dinner an hour before he goes to bed!

I struggle sleeping if I eat too much before bed, but a child?

There are days where we have our dinner and we have our crepes for pudding and fifteen minutes later, it’s come on Henry, bed time!

After all these years and all the times I’ve told him – it’s got to change, it never has!

I am grateful I am getting better physically – that I am able to do a little around the house, not much – because my efforts aren’t respected, they are usually undone in a couple of hours by Paul.  But – I am trying to really fight to take back control over the house.

So I can stand on my own two feet and do so well enough that I can move out into my own home!

Paul is becoming rebellious lately because he knows what’s up; I haven’t hidden anything from him.

We had a good friendship which seems to be slowly turning toxic since he found that other lady – which no longer is in his life.  He has tried to make amends with me, tried to bump up a little affection by being more mindful about hugs goodnight and goodbye etc. – but I am rejecting them, because he originally rejected me.

I lived in this house dotingly knowing that I was never happy here, that the house was a disgrace, that the environment was uncomfortable, that he was financially lazy and insecure and that he didn’t have any inclination towards intimacy with me and he certainly never defended me from our neighbour.  I did so dotingly because it was my family and I made do… I don’t want to make do anymore, because I realised that I was more loyal to him than he was to me and that was a big slap in the face!

I can and will tolerate a lot from a person if I know that they love and want me – take that away from me and I won’t stay, I don’t like leaving people, but if I know I am unwanted or easily disposed of, it makes it hard for me to want to try and make do.

I really will tolerate so much from a person, if they remain consistent in letting me know how much they love, respect and want me!  Just those things, that’s all I require oh and don’t humiliate me or insult my intelligence. 

I can tolerate so much; I tolerate rude behaviour, wacky behaviour, selfish behaviour, jealousy, and control, loss of identity, being made to become a tireless servant and to a certain extent a little aggression.  But I can’t tolerate humiliation, being reminded I am disposable, people constantly correcting me, because they believe I am stupid or misinformed. 

As long as you want me, respect me, love me, never humiliate me or treat me like I am stupid – then we’re going to be OK! 

Because my very nature is easy-going, I go with the flow and I blend in with whatever people and environment I am around the most, I am a chameleon – I am happy to be like that.  I thrive on love and acceptance and I give so much back and I don’t complain – I may cheerfully joke around and be sarcastic about my guy’s malchauvinistic ways or ego or mock affronted about their laziness… but its all in jest, really I wouldn’t want things to be different.  I miss those kinds of relationships, which is why I used to be heavily involved in the BDSM lifestyle, I wanted a husband like that.

They love me, they keep me, they get everything – I make sure to give the world to them and more if I could!

Hopefully the guy would be a touchy feely kind of guy, hands on, obsessed slightly – because I like being touched and I touching too!  In normal relationships I am too clingy, I am too passive, I am too needy or odd because I want to do things for them all the time… does that make sense?  I know the only guys who appreciate the kind of woman I am, are those in the lifestyle who aren’t emotionally distant and healing from some obscure emotional wounds from their past.  The kind of dominants who know what they want and will get it out of me by hook or by crook!

I find the most painful thing about being in a relationship like that is being ignored for too long!  Or not being given a sense of duty or daily tasks to fulfil and it can be hard when things aren’t regularly appreciated in some way – when there is no reward, whether just verbal or otherwise.

Yes I know, I sound pathetic – but it’s just me and it’s what makes me tick!

I think that if these spiritual insights aren’t founded to be true within a few months’ time, but I manage to get fit enough to leave Paul… I may go back into the lifestyle, look for a dominant or a daddy figure and do that rather than be alone.

Thing is, most dominants don’t like women over 28yrs old, especially if she wants to have more children like I do!

So I may not get what I want from life soon enough.

But I am trying so hard to manifest this, you have no idea!

Thanks for reading!

Getting older

But I don’t like it; I refuse to go with the grain on this!

Although I love baking cookies and cupcakes and sitting down on cosy autumn days knitting and doing crochet, that’s as old as I get!

I am still a child at heart, mind, soul, behaviour – not so much body, but I am trying to get there again believe me!  Haha!

I have been hearing people talk about getting older these days, a lot of people who are ten years older than me and my own age peers and I sit there and think – “Oh my goodness, they are all turning into a load of boring frumps, no offence”!

“When are you going to cut your hair short”?  They ask me, like it’s a rite of passage! 

“Don’t you think you look odd getting older with waist length hair”?

Erm, no actually, I quite like it!

So it got me thinking about what I want to be as I get older…

Certainly not what society expects!

Slowing down as you get older?  OK, I was diagnosed with arthritis when I was 21yrs old, but I like to think as I get older I speed up… my life gets better, gets more exciting – I have always had the notion that life begins at forty, not slows down! 

If I haven’t learned how to roller-skate and ride a bike by fifty, I have done something wrong!

If I am not rock-climbing and haven’t started to professionalise my writing career by sixty, what the heck did I do with my life between now and then?  I hope I would have changed a lot, unrecognisably so!

To someone more energetic, fit, fun and a little bit reckless!

I am tired of living life in the cautious slow lane, like those old ladies who never do more than 20mph on freeway!

I think the slowest thing I want to do when I am much older, is go to one of those big tantric orgasmic meditation centres or do tai chi, which would be cool!

But ultimately if my legs are causing me problems that I physically slow down I have thought about using a push scooter to get me around faster and attached the leash of a dog to each handle to help me!

But to be perfectly honest with you I am very much inspired by Melissa Neill in a high protein and weight training lifestyle, so I would like to think that I would be like an Elaine Lalanne when I am ninety!

Only I’d dress like a hippy with ten bangles up my arm and be surrounded by a pack of dogs and grandchildren and great grandchildren, lol.

Panicking my kids, like Henry and maybe others I may have in the future if all goes to my plan – because ma is going on the world’s longest zorb ball track again or she’s decided to do dancing on ice, three months after a hip replacement therapy, lol!

You can’t keep a good dog down!

“Aren’t you a little too old to google Care Bear sweaters for your age and size”?  Erm, no – why’d you ask?

No, growing up was never for me – so I didn’t do that and so it’s the same with growing old too…

Sorry to disappoint you, but I refuse to grow up and I refuse to act my age!

Got a problem?

Yes you do… you are afraid to live, I pity you!

Slow down? My ass – no sir!  My life has been virtually non-existent these past eight years because of illness and I am determined to change that drastically and so far in a short space of time I have managed to overcome a lot!

You are going to witness me do some crazy shit in a year or two, just watch me!

Or I eat my words… one or the other!

Watch this space anyhow!

Thanks for reading!