We all die

Its terminal

Life

Everyone dies

Many try to escape this fate

But it is really a stupid mistake

For we all die

It’s no lie

Why cry like you didn’t expect it?

Why?

Crushed like a lemon

Crushed like a lemon

Made sour by broken promises

I pucker back my disappointment

I swallow my harsh words

My mouth, dry with distaste

Another dream smashed to pieces

Another lie spoken to allay a fate

A fantasy caterwauling torment to my ears

For I know you can’t help yourself

For another snow globe dream splintering my hands

Because you had a dream I’d stay

Prove yourself wrong

Your heart is made of iron

You are very strong

You can get through all of this

Prove yourself wrong

Don’t give up trying

Don’t give up the fight

Get what you really want

Fight with all of your might

You can do this truly

You have come so far

Though fate is sometimes unruly

You have worn the warriors scar

You can win this battle

I’m your cheerleader

Go ahead and do it

Don’t give up right now

Live your dolce vita

Don’t stick with the stale

I’m rooting for you

In each and every way

And I know you will get there

Some special day!

It might not be tomorrow

It might not be next week

But I know when you do

I won’t critique

You’ve come so far

And I am proud of you

You can only do

What you can do

Don’t be so hard on yourself

Put your worries on the shelf

Keep the fight and keep real strong

And try to prove yourself wrong

Femininity in the family

My feminine influences growing up!

I was raised by an unglamorous tom boy, who was never without her pair of jeans, white t-shirts or turtle necks under thick jumpers or oversized blouses, she preferred sandals to heels or trainers and she never wore make up and her hair was always cropped short and her nails were always bitten back and sore looking.

That thankfully, was not my only feminine reference growing up and I yearned for my mother to be more like her sisters or cousins, because the majority of my family oozed femininity – even my mum would say she was the black sheep of her family and to see her amongst her sisters and cousins in photo shoots you’d believe it!

I spent a lot of my childhood being shunted around – again, thankfully!  Because I grew to be influenced by other people about what it means to be a woman rather than taking guidance from my mother, which was practically non-existent!

What did my mother teach me about being a woman?  That women are always burdened upon and are doomed of having a life of sexual harassment and fighting for their rights on a constant basis.  That when you get married you have to train your husband  and she was being serious too!  She really believed these things!

She never wanted me to grow up and have a relationship or have children, but she did tell me if I were inclined to do so that I’d need to get a professional man who doesn’t want children and who is smaller than me and submissive!

Not on your Nellie, that’s not my type at all mum, sorry!

My influences were from women who insisted that just because you are married to a man it doesn’t mean you let yourself go, you know?  You have to keep a certain standard, you have to make an effort or then whose fault is it if they strayed?

Don’t bite your nails dear, put nice things in your hair and if you are not going to bother wearing make up at least make an effort to pinch your cheeks and wear lip gloss instead!

You want a nice man who will look after you, protect you and make you feel loved and safe and you want to be able to support him as much as you can and treat him like a king!

Hearing this being spouted to me at a young age, my mother’s reactions was often covering my ears up and giving short nasty criticisms to whoever was poisoning her daughter to become a man’s slave!

Shame on you!  Shame on the lot of you and to think where women have come from, only for stupid women like you to talk the next generation back a hundred years! 

Don’t you listen to them my girl, they are wrong; you don’t need that, you are better off far away from all of THAT!

That was my influence growing up and I still stick to my aunts and cousins concepts and steer well clear of my mother’s!

On my dad’s side of the family, up until the 90s it was quite common for the older generation to help you look for your husband if they knew you were leaning towards wanting a family at a young age.  My mother hated that about them – my grandmother knew when I was fifteen that I only wanted a career because my mother and big brother expected me to have one of their choosing, not my own.  But ultimately I wanted a large family and work from home either as a writer, designer or childminder. 

When I was seventeen my grandmother had found some nice young gentlemen to set me up with, but my mum got furious about it and it is one of the many reasons why mum decided never to speak to my dad’s mum again.

I had to listen to my mum, though I liked what gran was doing, because it’s been a thing I’ve wanted my whole life – a large traditional family.  Had I of started young, it would have been fun to see how many children I would have had by now!  I know a second cousin who is the baby of 17 and she too had 17 children of her own so large families are not uncommon in my family!

But I am forty now and only with one child and it really has never been my intention to have such a small family, fate was taken out of my hands.

It has left a deep hollow in me; it is something I have never accepted looking back in my life.  I am hugely envious of women who are running alive with kids!

I think I would have been healthier for it too, if I had got my way.  I don’t live for myself, I live for other people and when you have just one child and his father completely takes over and pushes your nose out of the way all the time, it makes you feel unwanted and useless – I think that’s why I got sick.

On my dad’s side of the family, they are feminine too, but they are a different kind of feminine than my mother’s side of the family.

My mother’s side of the family are very glamorous and are often mistaken for rich women.  The kind of women who feel naked without make up, stink of expensive perfume, wearing heels and have three inch long decorated nails with diamante on them.  One or two are unethical fur enthusiasts and all of them spend an hour on their hair a day!

Their focus is mostly to please their man, care for their looks, socialise with friends and then the children come somewhere after all that! 

My dad’s side of the family are the old fashioned but very maternal types.  To the women in that side of the family, it is you feed the man and take care of him when he is sick and support him in most of his endeavours if he is sensible, but outside of this you don’t dare come between a woman and her children!

The children come before everything after the basic care of the husband, the house cleaning is next, self-maintenance and then friends if you have the time – but as long as self-maintenance and friends doesn’t interfere with you becoming a good citizen, volunteering at charities and attending church or entertaining the elderly in nursing homes.

These women dress in simple country clothing, floral dresses with lace and mid shin and tend to wear pearls.

They also have the same ration ratio per family, the man gets the biggest portion, then the kids and the women tend to go hungry if they are poor or have meagre rations in comparison.

This is why almost all the women in that side of the family are gardeners, they grow most of their own food and have a “be prepared” attitude to life, as most of them were girl guides in their past!

They are the women who will eat left over from the day before or make soup from them, unlike my mother’s side of the family who seem to have a phobia of all food once it’s been opened or cooked!

As I was growing up, my mother’s family regarded me as an anomaly, because there I was a mere slip of a girl telling them what they can do to budget their food and how to save money.   Because I had learned it all by staying with my paternal relatives!

My dad’s family also taught things like sewing by hand, basketry and all sorts of things. 

Whereas my mother’s family knit only when they are past 50yrs of age and before then have no idea about darning socks and whatnot.

My family to onlookers would appear to be like Last of the summer wine ladies at tea Vs the Kardashians.  Or putting them as individuals my dad’s family as a whole woman would be Emma Thompson’s Karen from Love Actually vs Elizabeth Taylor.   Whereas my mum is more like Ellen Degeneres!

I like to consider this has made me more like Dolly Parton, well eventually lol!  She is like a good healthy mix of the two!

Anyway, those are my feminine influences according to how I was raised by my family and I have a lot of sprucing up to do, because being sick for so long has made me lazy.  I am looking forward to transitioning back to the old vain me again! 

Thank you for reading!

Choose a door

Calm down, I can’t sleep

Calm down, I can’t eat

Calm down, my sweet

I know things are hard for you

I can feel it in my heart

I know you are taking a risk

But I won’t let you fall apart

I will hold you up when you fall down

I will hold you tight and close

Because I feel you in my soul

Your spirit blooming like a rose

I don’t know who you are

You don’t know that I care

But I will love you always

I promise, I swear

When you are stressed I feel it

When you are calm I sleep

When you are near I feel it

Your presence is so deep

I can’t explain these feelings

But I know that we are one

You think you shine bright like a star

But to me you are the sun!

I can feel when you deny me

My spirit caves away

When you are happy to have me

I wilfully live and play

I am so connected to you

With each action that you do

I will respond to it

But you will never have a clue

Not until you find me

And choose to hold me dear

Because my fate is bound to you

Let me make that clear

I was born to be yours

As you’ve always prayed

But if you choose not to have me

I’ll easily fade away

But I can feel you strengthening

In everything you want

I can feel you choosing

In fact the feeling haunts

The spirits they have told me

That soon you will be here

But I don’t trust them fully

Because your worries I can hear

Each time you waver in your choice

There is a flutter in my heart

I am scared you will not choose me

Then I’ll fall apart

I am scared of my future

Do I have one at all?

Or do I have a hope in Hell

That I shall never fall?

Right now I am on a tightrope

Or so it feels to me

Will I get to the other side?

Will you come to me?

Or are the wobbles a warning

That I will surely fall

And then you will not have me

And that will be cruel

Because you prayed so hard to make me

You deserve me as your kin

Just trust that you have got this

Trust in everything!

For right now I am at a stumble

There is no net for me

Just one choice will determine

What is next for me!

You can be happy my love

You can have it all

But make a choice quickly

Before I lose step and fall!

We balance each other, you and I

But I can’t choose for you

My life is bound to you, but you haven’t a clue

I am here waiting

But I don’t know how long for

Just make a choice quickly

Now please choose which door…

Surrendering…

OK today is about surrendering to the fates and accepting whatever is supposed to come into my life and to stop being such a control freak about it – so, what do I do to start accepting that?  Simple, panic and go and read my tarot cards and speak with spirit guides too, with the simple question of…

What was I born to do?  What is my purpose?

You are to be thrusted into the unknown where you will reach the bottom of life and reach high to the top in new self-discoveries.  That explains a lot. 

You will constantly go into a re-training process. This will explain why reality seems indefinable to me, when I think I know something; something happens where I doubt it all over again and learn a new way in processing that information! 

Your goal is to save others in order to save your self and you may be tempted to give up before trying.  This explains something to me – I seem to befriend the lost and the lonely and then see them fly off into the horizon forgetting me once they’ve had their boost of ego from me.  I don’t mind, at least they seem happy now!  I’ve had a few people say I am like a life coach and motivator for them, some have even thanked me because before they found me they said they were going to commit suicide, a couple have outwardly said they owe their lives to me – which I replied thusly “don’t be so dramatic”. 

Depression will come when you ignore your creative talents.  True, but also it comes because I can’t write everything down all at once like my brain wants me to, at the pace of seven ideas at the same time!  The amount of times I have cried in frustration over this! 

You may not always be aware you are hurting others in the process, because your successes will hurt others, either through jealousy or because you are moving on.  Well, I haven’t seen any of that, so yes… I am unaware if I have hurt anyone in the process – sorry if it’s you! 

You can restore your sense of joy in bad times through meditation and astral travel – You will feel there is a huge lack of substance throughout your life.  Yes I do in fact. 

Your creative hobby will consume much of your life because this is a huge part of who you are meant to be, you are a creative spirit.

A man will come into your life and be prominent similar to a knight in shining armour that is vital to your development both emotionally and creatively.  So long as he isn’t a knight in shining armour in the traditional gooey romance novel typicality I am OK! 

You will need time alone for a long while to recuperate from what life throws at you and after this long period of loneliness you will be thrusted into a lot of social commitments you won’t be able to escape from, so enjoy the solitude whilst it lasts.  Oh boy, that’s started my anxious stomach problems!  I am no introvert; in fact I am an ENFJ-T personality type, so go figure! 

A musician will be important to you in your life.  I used to be in a rap/rock band at college – but other than that I don’t know any musicians on a close personal level yet! 

You will lack confidence in both your image and your abilities throughout most of your life; imposter syndrome affects you hugely, this is why there will be people coming into your life to give you that reassurance and to develop you into accepting yourself.  Along with this you will be hesitant to enjoy the good things in life, because you have experienced the bad for a long while beforehand that you are afraid that it won’t last.  This includes a hesitancy to enjoy your upcoming wealth and success to the fullest.  Actually this is why some of my exes are exes, they couldn’t get over the fact I was so hesitant about things – always scared things were about to fall flat on their faces and I found it hard to let my hair down and I had a huge guilt complex about a lot of things!  This is funny, because in other aspects of life, I am considered quite an optimistic person! 

So yeah regarding success and money I always have the attitude of, it’s not going to last – so why get excited about it?  One of my exes forbade me buying anything second hand as it was beneath him and I practically live in thrift/charity stores and car boot/garage sales – so, that’s one reason why he is an ex as I am not a snob! 

You will start a strong relationship quite late in your life, this relationship will be rock-solid and will be the catalyst for your life changing events, everything will be turned on its head for you; your life won’t ever be the same again and loneliness will start to become a challenge for you, because you will be surrounded by lots of people who will become extended family to you.  You will become part of a strong community someday; here you will be charismatic amongst them!  How late is late, because I want more kids?  Also, I hope this is true because I need a loving family!  Oh and I am not going to hide the fact that I am actually desperate for this!  I am not ashamed of wanting this! 

You will eventually master everything that life has got to offer but it will take you awhile to get there!  Everything?  Be real! 

When you are on the cusp of giving everything up, everything will come to you and you will be in childlike awe of how fast it comes into your life, you won’t have time to think and may be in a state of long-term exhaustion until you adjust to it!  Things will come to you that you didn’t ever dream of, it is like a wave of people just waltzes into your life and changes it all for the better and you will be in a state of pure shock!  It is something you won’t ever quite get over and something you will constantly question as being real.  And I am supposed to be excited about the fact I will be in long-term exhaustion? 

These people will make you stand out from the crowd whether you like it or not!  Hey who do they think they are?

You will find these people amongst the Bohemians of society; the person who is the catalyst of all of this is a bit of a friendly rogue that has pulled out all stops to help you in some way.  Who and why?

The more playful you are in your creativity the more you will earn from it, more conventional art forms will not pay as well for you, you are unique, celebrate it – don’t hide from it!  I have a problem with this, because I don’t believe anyone is unique, everything has been done before! 

You will practise a new talent and be restless about it!  This seems to be a theme, restlessness and tiredness – oh my future looks joyous, can’t wait… insert eye roll here* 

You will find a new life partner which will love you and have the deepest sense of spiritual connection you have ever known with anyone before!  This connection is very deep and psychic for the both of you!  This is a soulmate of the deepest kind!  Cool, OK – where are they? 

For a long time in your life you will experience disharmony in your home life and you will be in a constant state of tension and loneliness – you will find it hard to trust anybody or lean on anybody to support you, you can only depend on your self during these phases of your life.  But once this cycle has ended, it has ended for good and everything you’ve experienced in your personal relationships and home life will be turned on its head for the rest of your life!  Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel after all?  Should AI hold my breath about this or think it’s a load of old… you know!

You will eventually break free from all the bad stuff in life because of a cunning roguish person will manipulate you into believing a white lie that will ensnare you into a relationship with them that will change everything for you – but you will realise they had to do it this way because things are complicated for the both of you and you will forgive them!  Especially when you will learn they had risked so much to be with you!  Yikes, I am not all that great you know?  I mean, ew… look at me… no, please don’!

Wow… well, it would be nice to have most of the above anyway – I don’t like losing control socially, I don’t like the idea of permanent exhaustion and I definitely hate being pulled out of my comfort zones… but the rest seems nice.

At least I know one thing about me will never change as I can see if all this is to be true, I will live in a permanent state of anxiety – so I guess some kind of consistency is still available, even if it’s not the consistency I want! 

But the love, harmonious home and friends are much needed!

Long-term exhaustion… can I be anymore exhausted than I already am?  Please don’t take that as a challenge universe… please!

Thanks for reading!

Avoiding fate

I was chasing dreams that I only half want

I had to keep pushing because they haunt

And I can’t get away from what the fates have to say

I have to take it on the chin and let things be this way

Too many years I have pushed against it

Only to find I have leant against it

And to find that fate has moved my path

I am walking in a circle, please don’t laugh

I can’t get away from those things

The universe keeps making my path as rings

So I can’t walk away from the light and the fame

Because another path will be the same

Why can’t my fate be about love and togetherness?

I feel like a bird, but I am featherless

So I can’t fly to another path

I know it sounds stupid, so please don’t laugh

It has happened before

And I closed the door

To open another, only to find more

And I can’t believe how much this has happened to me

Constantly opening new boxes only to see

The same gift of life staring back at me

It’s a weird sort of thing a weird tragedy

My life is opened for all to see

Whether I like it or not, whether or not I agree

So should I give in, to what fate has to say?

Or can I escape this fate someday?

I don’t know, but I am giving up

The next door I open, I don’t think I’ll shut

Because the fates are determined this is what’s for me

Even though I partly don’t agree

So I will sulk on and open that door

Because I can’t keep on running anymore

Each time I close it, my life gets worse

It is like the fates have said, then be cursed

So I am terrified of closing that door

In case life gets worse, some more

So here I am, giving up with fate

Taking what’s given even though it’s late

Because I don’t need to make any more mistakes

So here I go…

Trusting fate

And no sooner had I finished this poem I saw the clock said 15:55 = 555 again.

Fate less world

I lie awake thinking of a life that wasn’t mine

I dine on the feast of your dreams

They are mine

They belong to me

But no, I don’t have the diamonds in my hair

But I know you are there

I know you are scared

Of my words

They burn your mouth like a kiss from the devil

I am lost and dishevelled

But you don’t know

The things I know

To be where I am

I am lost in the land

Of hopelessness and decay

Why is it this way?

I can’t stand it here anymore

I am lost and I am bored

In this fate less world

This is what I call a brainless poem – what do I mean by that?  Sometimes the words flow so fast it’s like I am channelling the spirit world, like I have gone into a trance – this is one of those poems.  I have taken a risk putting it here, maybe I’ll embarrass myself with it, and maybe I will surprise myself with your reaction – who knows?

But this is the kind of stuff that happens regularly and is often deleted, because to me, I don’t know where it came from and sometimes even I don’t understand it.

There were about three sentences that were not written in the above, because the words flowed too fast, but I managed to keep its flow anyway.  If there is any flow at all…

Thanks for reading

1st reading p2

Here is part two of my tarot card and oracle readings for the month to come and R means that the card is in reverse.

These are the tarot decks and they are;

1 – Russell Grant’s Astro Tarot

R-CHARIOT – R-RABBIT – HEIROPHANT – R JUDGEMENT

1. R CHARIOT

The card shows me there is indecision, hesitation or a slowing down of energies.  Because of what happened in my oracle decks, I take this as I am hesitant to make a decision because of emotional struggles and potentially trust issues.

1. R RABBIT

This indicates that I will feel insubstantial to something; it is making me feel that what is happening, whatever it might be is implausible and not real, or a trick.

This cards position also shows me that I must not be sceptical, rude or abrupt to the person who is coming with an offer for something, as this person is a loving individual who means to help me and lift me up in some way.  They are also someone who feels there is a deep spiritual connection with me and the cards warn that they are just as fiery as I am and their willpower is stronger, so tread carefully! 

1. HIEROPHANT

This card indicates a relationship where spiritual values are well-matched.  Someone is about to reveal a huge secret to me and give me plenty to think about.  They are going to be part of my major transformation and increased sense of overall wellbeing.

This person fully wants to adopt me into their life on all possible levels of existence, but ultimately they want to be my mentor for life and living well.  They could also increase my spiritual power.

1. R JUDGEMENT

Something is going to make me restless.  I have definitely reached the end of a phase in my life and will have to say goodbye to some people.

There could be disappointment with a legal matter or legal papers or a small delay in them, which will ruin plans on the short term. 

This card also indicates an offer for a change of abode/home. 

Personally I think that for this to happen in just 4 weeks, is just too fast, but there you go.

• – THE TRADITIONAL RIDER WAITE TAROT DECK

QUEEN OF CUPS – QUEEN OF WANDS – 7 PENTACLES – KING OF SWORDS I ALSO DROPPED THE 10 OF WANDS

• QUEEN OF CUPS – under reversed chariot

This card shows me that there is definitely a new romantic relationship that could start in the next four weeks.  It is also indicating that there is nurturing energy around me too, someone who is kind, compassionate, empathic with me on most if not all levels.  This person is going to be supportive and heal my emotional wounds and help me learn to move on and have fun with life.

This person has very powerful, strong but gentle energy about them throughout this entire reading overall.

It’s going to be a very deep relationship that also indicates that eventually we will also be part of each other’s career somehow.  They are a creative person like me, perhaps we’ll collaborate?

There is a slowing down however, as there is reversed chariot energy above the queen of cups.  So we’re taking it slower than we’d like, because I think we both have a bit of nervous tension here and some kind of blockade to overcome?

• QUEEN OF WANDS – under the reversed rabbit card

This card is a card of transformation again as well as indicating a new relationship or a strong fidelity coming my way.  So this card shows me there is a lot of determination and passion from this other person towards me, it’s almost like obsessive energy but it’s certainly not toxic energy, other cards have assured me that.

Despite an oracle card earlier indicating that this person is going to make the decision for me, but it is a decision they made out of love, not from a place of control – because they can see that I do not trust easily and they are so desperate to show me that they are different, and according to the reading overall, they really are!

You see the rabbit energy above the Queen of wands tells us, that I am insecure about how real their offer of a relationship with me is.  I am the one being cautious and frightened to go with my heart and instinct as I am scared of getting hurt or being tricked again.

• THE SEVEN OF PENTACLES – under the hierophant

Is showing me that again, there is a relationship because I have become somebodies labour of love – they are determined and persevering to show me that they are different.  It’s really lovely to see how much work they are willing to put into trying to convince me they are OK, that they are genuine.  With the hierophant energy they are trying hard to mentor me to heal and to trust. 

They are so full of patience with me, that it’s actually very touching to read this…

It even shows they are willing to sacrifice a lot for themselves in order to convince me and show me another way, they are really investing a lot of themselves for my happiness and to help me heal and to be with me.

Other cards in the past showed me that this person will put a hold on their entire life, even their career if needs be, if it meant that they got me in their life. 

Seriously dude, whoever you are, you don’t need to be so drastic, OK?  I am sure we’ll figure something out!

• KING OF SWORDS – under the reversed judgement

The King of swords indicates a struggle with figures in authority, particularly as it is underneath the reversed judgement card.  Someone in authority is holding something back from progressing as fast as I would like.  Their standards are high and strict and they could be blocking how fast my transformation is. 

I need to be stern about what is going on and show people I won’t be pushed away from something or someone, but I also see that I need someone else’s candid approach to make things work too, this is a third person I am seeing here – someone who holds the keys to legal documents or some kind of authority over me or this new person coming into my life.

• TEN OF WANDS – under the Queen of cups

I see that there is a huge obstacle I have overcome in order for this new relationship to come about – the huge blockade will successfully have been removed but it isn’t without its blood sweat and tears for the both of us involved.

It strongly indicates that the block is coming from my new person’s career, but his friends will support him all the way and will help ease him out of a sticky situation.  Fascinating.

We both will definitely feel a little burnt out because of the struggle, it is definitely a stressful time.  But the hurdle has been got over and we are going to be OK it appears.

• – KABBALISTIC TAROT

10 OF CUPS – R QUEEN OF SWORDS – R 3 OF WANDS – THE MAGICIAN

• 10 of cups – under the Queen of wands

OK so this is a good reading but it feels unrealistic, I am not usually a pessimist but the readings I have been getting lately are outrageously outlandish!  It’s totally out there – it’s too good to be true, you know? 

The ten of cups is always a positive thing to have in your reading it means, abundance, it indicates legacy, it indicates wealth and prosperity it is not dissimilar to the wheel of fortune, there is definitely a lot of positive energy and happiness in this card. 

It is immediately underneath the Queen of wands and she is directly underneath the rabbit card – all of this indicates a wonderful relationship that will literally alter my reality in every single way shape and form.

I told you the energy I have been sensing lately is BIG! 

Happiness, homecomings, fulfilment, emotional stability, security, domestic harmony is all indicative of this card.  In just 4 weeks?  No way, I can’t see how!  But amazing if it’s true!

It’s the “you’re gonna have it all” card.  To be frank, I’m scared at how quick this is coming… I mean, like… WTF?

Deep spiritual connection, new relationship, feeling of being delusional that things are not real – then this card shows up?  No freaking way!

Gosh, who is this guy?

I am going to burst I can tell you and I am going to feel so stupid next month if I am doing another reading and there is nothing that happened, lol.

• R QUEEN OF SWORDS – under the 7 of pentacles

I am very pessimistic with what the person coming into my life is all about, this card shows that I am judging them harshly and maybe lose my temper with them a bit because I feel that they are wrong about what they want from me.

But they are going to persevere because they really want this!  They are not going to give up on me and they won’t let me give up on life either!  There are going to be some harsh home truths coming my way or going their way, either or both.  

It’s going to be hard, because this person is going to use a trick to convince me and I will apparently fall for it.  But it’s not a nasty trick, because the cards above it indicate otherwise, but to onlookers what he will propose to me looks utterly toxic, but it’s what is necessary for him to do in order to show me that – hey – I am real and genuine with you and I am going to have you!

According to the reading as a whole, they are completely consumed by me and they are not letting me go anywhere, they are not taking no for an answer, because they can sense I really want this too!  And to be honest with you, I do!  I think…

They are going to lay my life on the table and make me look at it and then offer me something completely different, but I won’t believe them because I feel unworthy and that’s when they are going to shove it in my face apparently… harshly… then give me an ultimatum about it!

Phew, oh boy, some big energy from this guy!  It kind of makes me feel like saying… “Who do you think you are you beautiful lovely persistent asshole”?  Whilst also hugging him tight and not letting him go anywhere!

• R 3 OF WANDS – under the King of swords!

So again, we have a delay because of authority, but also a delay could be caused by my insecurities with what is going on with my new person.  I or they have to learn to compromise and understand new things.

We both need to lay all of our problems on the table immediately to clear the air so we can help each other overcome all of our obstacles, so that the relationship can start smoothly.

Patience for all of us is called for, patience is the key – don’t be eager to rush ahead, because it could scare the weaker person away… the weaker person is me as the cards indicate that throughout.

There are also challenges at my partner’s work!  Who the heck has a job where their boss has a say on what goes on in their personal life?  All I can think of is that maybe this is indicative of a military establishment?  I can’t think of any other industry where someone would have to answer to their boss about new relationships… if you can please comment below!

• THE MAGICIAN – under the 10 of wands

So OK, the hurdles we had to leap over in regards to starting our new relationship was definitely indicative of my persons career – but now the cards say that we are going to be OK because we will overcome it with our skills and trickery and desire and sheer willpower!   We are both powerful masters of manifestation, so he is a highly spiritual person, whoever he may be!

It’s definitely going to be a battle of the wills, most likely for him more than me as the cards indicate my willpower is much less than his, I am easy in defeat but he certainly isn’t giving up!

He is certainly going to make things happen and he is pulling out all of the resources to make sure he gets what he wants here!  There is no stopping this guy, I think I am in love with him before I’ve even met him – I love persistent little asshats with an huge ego who grabs life by the balls and don’t let anyone get them down, gosh I love this guy! 

Come to me daddy, come on! Lol

• – THE WITCHES TAROT by Ellen Cannon Reed

R 6 OF WANDS – 10 OF WANDS – 5 OF SWORDS – R ACE OF CUPS – R SUN

• R 6 OF WANDS – under the 10 of cups

Although the card it is under is great and very exciting, it also indicates that my confidence is at an all-time low or that maybe my new person may feel a little neglected because of my insecurities to relax around them.

I really do need to change my attitude and build my esteem or this relationship could turn bitter, if I am insecure for too long.

This reading totally indicates that I will be to blame if this relationship fails because of my insecurities and my inability to believe in myself.

I’ll drive this poor patient guy into exhaustion because I won’t understand why he likes me so much.  But like all fortune telling, tarot cards are here to show us what is what and how not to make bad things happen.  So I have a lot of self-reflection to do and I can’t sit back and say “I am not worthy” when he wants me so much, it isn’t fair.  He has worked hard to get to where he is in asking me for this relationship and probably will lose a lot too, over it. 

It’s almost like I feel he is too good to be true that I am talking him out of the relationship, because… why are you bothering with someone like me?  Look at me… you know.  I know I am insecure, but I can totally see why this card says this!

So I have to believe in this guy as much as he believes in me, it can’t all be one sided here!

The cards are more or less saying – it will be successful, IF I LET IT HAPPEN!  My insecurities and my self-value will determine if this happens or not! 

There is nothing else against us except for this authority figure that is controlling him and my own insecurities, if these things can be overcome, we will be flying!

• 10 OF WANDS AGAIN – under the reversed Queen of swords

This energy is doubled as it was in the reading earlier!  Here is a reminder of what that said.

“I see that there is a huge obstacle I have overcome in order for this new relationship to come about – the huge blockade will successfully have been removed but it isn’t without its blood sweat and tears for the both of us involved.

It strongly indicates that the block is coming from my new person’s career, but his friends will support him all the way and will help ease him out of a sticky situation.  Fascinating.

We both will definitely feel a little burnt out because of the struggle, it is definitely a stressful time.  But the hurdle has been got over and we are going to be OK it appears.”  This is doubled in its energy here. 

But because this card is also under the reversed Queen of swords it also shows us that once again my insecurities are a huge factor in the success or failure of this relationship and my person is not the type to give up without a fight!

He is going to have me and I just have to love him for it, basically, because ultimately, all the cards and previous readings have indicated we’re perfect for each other, we are going to be so happy together, but it’s all down to my acceptance that I am worthy of all this!

My other readings in other fortune telling mediums and other tarot readings have shown me, this is a till death do us part relationship – so once we overcome the hurdles, we are each other’s last, long-term relationship!

• 5 OF SWORDS – under the reversed 3 of wands

There is a huge conflict against a figure of authority again, there are major hostilities going on because of what my person wants and someone is getting in their way, big time! 

This shows, although they will win on this matter he will lose something equally important to him. 

This indicates that we are both victorious in what we want, but we are going to be left picking up the pieces of something that has been completely destroyed by this third person.  For my person, they literally have to start again from scratch. 

This makes me feel so bad for them!

What are they losing?  Looks like their career or something… its huge whatever it is!  The card indicates a friendship tied to a career.

But whatever it is, my person is glad to have done it because the inner conflict of not having what he wants the most would hurt him more, according to the cards – so for him, it was worth it in his eyes!

Yikes, I feel so awkward.

• THE REVERSE ACE OF CUPS – under the magician

We will endure a long suffering to get to where we want to if this is a relationship reading, like it appears to be. 

There is insecurity in the relationship, it could also mean a breaking up or a parting of the ways, but that could just be between Paul and I, because as I have said before in other posts, we’re on the cusp of separation and this new person is definitely here to stay according to so much in this reading as well as others in the past.

The magician shows us that we do prevail, but it’s going to be sad, frustrating and there are going to be hostile people around us initially.

• THE REVERSED SUN – under the reversed 6 of wands

Once again my pessimism gets into the way a little bit.  I am confused why this person likes me so much and it could put a block up for us both to start the relationship.

I understand that I do want him as much as he wants me, but for me, the cards show me I will think he is far too good for me and that why would he want someone who like me when there are better out there for him?

The cards show me this is some top quality guy, ticks all of my boxes in every single way, but I feel so insecure about myself because I have a low opinion on both my looks and my personal situation that I just can’t see, why he’d want someone like me! 

True if he is exactly like how I am reading him to be… in my opinion, why would he want a fat, 40yr old, who is deaf and one step away from society calling her trailer trash?

I mean, come on, I am a realist you know?  Things like this don’t happen to women like me!

The cards tell me, stop this attitude, because it’s real, get out of your head woman and just accept your fate!

Everything indicates this is destiny, yet all I can think about is… if he turns up and he is as great as these cards says he is, I am going to either faint run away or vomit!  I am a highly stressed individual with a constant nervous stomach!

• – THE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES TAROT DECK

R 4 OF SWORDS – PARANORMAL – R CHARIOT – WHEEL OF FORTUNE – 8 OF CUPS AND R 10 OF CUPS

• REVERSE 4 OF SWORDS – under the 10 of wands

It’s a restless time there is a lot to do, it’s going to be an emotional and bumpy ride and the stress can affect my health a little bit. 

There is a temporary blip in the new relationship, where I am given time to think things through after an ultimatum, they are going to give me time to adjust to what they are going to offer me in my life with them.  They won’t let me rush my decision either, they will find it hard to remove themselves from me in the short term, but they believe it is necessary to force some kind of reflection and absorb it all. 

They ultimate will be relentless in telling me that I am absolutely what they want and they will be very harsh with me about it, they don’t like how I feel about myself.

The temporary blip will rejuvenate me and it will ignite something big in the both of us.  This is totally going to improve matters and make things final, that we are going to have a relationship – as long as I am determined to be strong and think differently about myself and what it means for us both as a whole.

This card is not final – this card is indicative of what may happen if I allow my insecurities to take over.  So basically… do I really want to be put into a situation where I want them, but they removed themselves from me for a time, because I am having adjustment issues?

Hmm.  If they are as great as I think they are, then – no way do I want that.  So, I have to swallow my inverse pride and get on with it and jolly well be happy about it too!

• PARANORMAL CURIOUSITY under the 5 of swords

A dire need to sort something major out in in my life.  This indicates that the supernatural will take over this problem and create a miracle for us so that we can manifest our aims.

This is in regards to dealing with the figure of authority who is trying to get in the way – this is right after the cards which said my person could lose a lot and have to start again somehow. 

Apparently someone is going to do something unethical and I am not to step on their toes about their beliefs regarding how to handle this matter. 

I am not allowed to know what it is that happens to make the changes necessary – the spirits have asked me not to pry into this.

• R CHARIOT – under the reverse ace of cups

This cards energy is doubled as it has occurred twice in this reading in the same line – reverse chariot below the ace of cups which is below the magician, which is below the 10 of wands, which is below the queen of cups that is below the reversed chariot – so we have the reverse chariot at the beginning of the reading and we have the reverse chariot at the end of the reading in the same quadrant.

So there is a delay in whatever is about to occur, this is definitely indicative.

So there is definitely a lot of hostility about us being together and there is a lot of blockages and I have to trust my instincts that this guy is genuine and that he knows what he wants and it happens to be me!

No two ways about it.

It’s going to be hard and emotional and I have to get used to it, or lose it all, whilst he too, will lose it all because of me and I have to live with the guilt if I don’t!

As this energy shows me, some very negative stuff will be witness by me, if I choose to let my insecurities get the better of me and I will become sick very quickly as a result of this.  Something terrible will happen to the guy who wants me, if I am not going to be brave enough to accept what I want and that I am deserving of good things.

Something so bad could happen if I refuse him that I will never forgive myself and I will become bitter and broken hearted and very ill.

Basically, I know it sounds dramatic.  But it’s like we’re both going to die if we don’t get together… you know what I mean?

I mean crap…

Who are we Romeo and Juliet?

Sorry but… erm… ew… I don’t do romance… definitely not Shakespearian romance!

Gosh we’ve got to get a grip on ourselves!

• WHEEL OF FORTUNE – under the reverse sun

Yeah ok this is indicative of fate, destiny, tremendous luck, good fortune and everything else that good! 

We are definitely going to have a good life together, it is all going to be brilliant, it is pre-ordained almost, so I suppose I have to swallow my inverse pride and get brave and stop humbling myself huh?

It makes me sound ungrateful and moody and pessimistic, but I know I am going to be so happy anyway… so I really don’t get what it is that is making me so insecure about the guy!

He is going to be either super-hot, rich or famous or knowing my luck all three and that’s why I can’t believe it and I am running away…

In fact it would probably explain a lot, but NAH it’s not like…. NAH….

Look it’s not like my biggest celeb crush of all time is going to knock on my door is it? 

Or is it?

Oh my gosh…

Well, you’ll never know if it is!  Lol, I have enough celebrities in my family to know how to keep things to myself for their privacy sake!

So, too bad for you if it is this…

OMG

Could be…

Nah!

Just probably super hot and kinda well off.

Was told to read the reverse sun again – OMG stop being so pessimistic!  HELP… no please don’t… but please do… I mean… I never wanted to be mega famous; I am scared of the paparazzi!  Especially after what they did to someone in my…  never mind… forget what I said!

• EIGHT OF CUPS under the 4 of swords

“The Eight of Cups signifies time for change or transition, by means of walking away from something. Just like a caterpillar has to die before transforming into a beautiful butterfly, we all need to transform ourselves in our lives from time to time. This is the case especially after being tired of living what was the day to day, and embarking on a journey that will help one have a deeper understanding about life in general.” I have quoted this from Labyrinthos which has been helping me with the readings…

OMG I have been saying I am like a caterpillar and butterfly for ages now!

I am asked if the partner is good for me then why am I trying to make them abandon me?

They will walk away for a small time, but not first without giving me an ultimatum… again, it’s my fault with my insecurities.  I have got to just go with the flow and just do what my heart wants to and that is to scream YES OK in their face whilst dancing like a lunatic…

• REVERSE TEN OF CUPS under the paranormal card

There is definitely a separation, but that’s definitely me and Paul… as we know we are on the road to that right now.

An external figure is trying to get in the way of my new relationship, we have established that already and we know it is something to do with his job – however, this card also indicates it could also be a relative of his.

Some arguments could be very public – erm I don’t like the sound of this.

But either way, we’re sticking together and apparently after a long while of stress and hostility from others, we will be OK.  More than OK in fact and according to the cards, people will relax about us quicker than we anticipate.

Unfortunately though, again, I feel guilty.  Because this guy is going to lose a lot – gosh I hope I am worth it, poor guy!

I really want to squeeze him tight right now as I feel real bad about it all.

But know this… I like the sound of you whoever you are!

Though quite frankly you terrify me and I have no idea why, yet!

Thank you for reading and thank you whoever you are for trying so hard!

Who designed me?

Your past does not define you

Your love is always requited

You need to be brave to find me

Be brave and you’ll be knighted

I am yours but you don’t know

That I dream of you every night

I know you watch me daily

You don’t lose me from your sight

But I can’t be yours until you tell me

That is a fact I know

Because I don’t know who you are

But I want for us to grow

I know you are warm and kind

I can feel it in my bones

I know you are perfect for me

You’re my Goldilocks zone

I know you send me messages

Each and every night

You buzz through my sacral chakra

And fill me with delight

I know you are unhinged

But that doesn’t frighten me

Because we are one, you and I

Together we’ll be free

I know you can be brave

I see it in my visions

That you will turn up on my door

Because you lack inhibitions

Together we will soar

In each other’s arms

And I know that you will always

Protect me from harms

I don’t have long to wait

My depression is getting worse

I don’t want you to lose me and feel that you are cursed

Time is of the essence

And the time is running short

I need my knight to find me

And take me to his fort

I have such love to give

I need a warm embrace

I know much more than this

I sound like a nutcase

But know one thing about my song

And that is I need you

You don’t need me, but want me

And you know what, I want you too!

So know the answer to your question will always be a yes

Don’t leave it till the last minute

Or things will get into a mess

I know you are the man

Who will release my soul

You are my missing piece, you will make me whole

I dreamt of you since I was nine

I knew you did exist

Just where you are I had a clue…

But I thought I’m round the twist

Like a snake wound round a tree

I know you see me

But I wandered through life alone

Wondering, when will you bring me home?

Home is a place and it is in your arms

A place where I am safe, from all the evil and the harms

I am like a friendly dog, waiting for you dear

It drives me crazy when I know, that you are so, so near

Has the left hand lead me astray?

As it throbs this very day…

Maybe it’s all a dream

The agony of not knowing makes me scream

I need you

But you don’t need me

I love you, can’t you see?

These dreams grow more intense each day

For you to find me, I pray

But do you hear me, as I hear you?

Do you even have a clue?

Do you love your gentle Saffy?

Or am I being soft and sappy?

Who knows what is right or wrong

Perhaps I have lost my mind

Perhaps I should become silent

But I feel we are entwined

Like a fool when you find me

I will babble and laugh a lot

Because I do that when I am shy, nervous and hot

I’ll be a mess when you meet me

I will find it hard to speak

But I know as soon as you ask me

I will answer with a squeak

Yes!

I don’t need to know more than that

I just know you, when you come

You’ve designed me with the universe

When you were feeling numb

I am here to help you heal your heart

And to love you so

I am the sunshine in the spring, to melt your winter’s snow

I exist because of you

Because you wanted me

I need you because of this

But you don’t need me

Take me or leave me

I will know my fate

Once you are sure you don’t want me

I’ll go back to Heavens Gate

Sorry for how sickly sweet this is, I am not known for this kind of stuff. But that is an outpouring of my heart, because I sense something. I know it sounds strange, but there it is.

For the longest time I have felt that I was made specifically for a certain person and I never found them. My whole life has felt a sham, because they aren’t in my life.

I know it’s crazy talk, but this is what has affected me a lot over the years.

What is bad is the synchronicities are getting worse, I am getting signs from people who seem to know something is going to happen by November, but nobody is letting up what. Paul is convinced something is afoot too, but I think maybe its’ just his wishful thinking too as it would get me out of the way…

But you know what? This has gone on many years before the signs that other people have given and this is all happening at a time where I am in my opinion, my most emotionally vulnerable.

I am finding it hard to live in the hope that al of these visions since a child, are ever going to come true. I am getting older and I feel like a silly love sick child of a presumed imaginary romance if you can call it that? Been telling myself for years, it’s time to grow up now.

The ultimate thing is, I feel there is a major decision that will determine whether or not, this is going to happen or not. I don’t know where this feeling is coming from – but what I do know is that my fate is heavily tied to it.

It really is a queer feeling, knowing you might have been created just for a person and I feel so stupid putting this out there, but my instinct tells me it’s time.

So mad or not, it’s out there now.

Let’s see, what will happen… I have a feeling I won’t share one way or the other on here. As I feel that once I know something, I have to remain hushed for a while and I may only post poems and fashion tips on my blog in the future with no life updates whatsoever. Just a feeling, thats all.

Happy reading!