Tag Archives: fears

How can you understand?

The life I’ve had has been painful

Hard lessons I have learned

How to dodge a slap

How not to be burned

The world is a hard place

A school of knocks and tears

A place where you cannot rest your laurels

Because of all the fears

A place where life is challenged

Where love is mocked and caned

A place where compassion is weakness

And happiness is strained

I can’t tell you what I’ve seen and know

Because it’s hard to tell

For how can someone who lives in Heaven, understand someone from Hell?

Written 5:05pm 22nd February 2023

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I regret the scrawls

I’m lost in pain

Drowned in thoughts

Twisted in knots

My heart churns like a sick stomach

Going insane with the loneliness

Swirling in a spell of bad blood

Spitting poisons and toxins till they flood

Because I had a dream

The dream scared me

Told me I can’t be free of being used

Cast away like an old shoe

Nobody can love someone like me

Because I’m ugly, can’t I see?

I’m stupid, immature and broken

Even worse, I’m stupid because I’ve spoken

About my fears though they might be wrong

But I can’t wait till I belong

With someone who loves me true and through

Someone to swim with me in the blue

Or better yet pick me up in a yacht

And sail off with me like a shot

I try to think of better things

But fears like that just ring and ring

Inside my head day and night

It makes me dribble words when I write

Lots of drivel on my blog

Creating a depressing catalogue

Of all my thoughts, hopes and fears

Things I will regret down the years

But I do try to calm myself

And put my feelings on a shelf

But the burden grows intense with weight

So writing this alleviates

Though it’s hard to stomach I know that

I am sorry for all the inner combat

I haven’t slept last night not much at all

Just sat up and regret the scrawls

But I need to get these things out there

Because those dreams did really scare!

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How you’ll ride this storm alone

The world becomes darker when you lose a friend

When the world becomes darker, you need that friend

All your fears come true, when their life ends

There is no one to hold you tight and make things right again

All hopes and your fears are turning the gears

Your friend who has helped you all these years

Is no longer there to help you through

You are without a clue

Of what to do now

You don’t know how

You’ll ride this storm alone

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The Hanged Man

Like the fool

I ran with the dog at the edge of the cliff

Like the fool I stumble to the ground

I am like a silly clown

Because I do not hit the ground at all

A branch has broken my fall

I am like the hanged man now

Hanging on this bough

The sun has come to laugh at me

Laugh at me because I’m not free

Dangling on this bough

The moon has come with her fears

The fear that I shall fall on spears

Down below my wooden bough

Afraid I will fall somehow

The ten of swords look up at me

I look down on them in glee

For they cannot touch me see

And the star knows too and laughs

Tee hee

The hermit has found me dangling here

He has come to end moons fear

He has sent a rope to me

To free this hanged man from this tree

The chariot also helps with ease

To pull me up from the tree

And settled me by the cups three

So we all can drink a cup of tea

For a job well done

In saving me!

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Fool myself

Sleep deprived and hungry

I hold back the tears

I dream of fantasies and it takes away my fears

I see a rainbow in my head and I chase it down

Because I am hiding from myself and my own frown

Maybe here I can hide and pretend I am really happy

Dancing with the pixies like everything is sweet and sappy

Maybe I can fool myself till it is true

Maybe I can dance away all these blues

I sing good luck to myself

Hang my sadness up on the shelf

And make believe that it’s OK

And skip around and play all day!

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Lost Lion

The raven sees the Lion

The lion doesn’t know

The lion slowly roams

Which place does he go?

The raven knows his destiny

The raven knows the way

But the lion doesn’t see her

Maybe he will some day?

God had put him on this path

But he is in denial

Stricken by his heart of morals

Scared he’ll be put on trial

So cautiously he takes his steps, deeper into the sands

Hoping that somehow things will become clear to him

A miracle in his hands

The raven tries her best to tell, to shout – I know the way

But her voice is drowned out by his fears

As he tearfully prays

So many signs she have given him

To show him the path is near

But slowly he wanders off too far

So that he doesn’t hear

Too many times the raven caws

Too many times unheard

Too many times the lion has walked too far from the bird

God has told her have patience dear

Let him find the way

Soon things to him will be all too clear

Right now the fogs too grey

But the raven sits in worry

That maybe he’ll roam too far

That maybe he will become lost

Just like the fallen star

But God said that he will be fine

All he needs is a rhyme

A rhyme to find the way

So the little raven sits on her perch and sings the rhyme today

Will he hear her, I don’t know

But we sit and watch and wait

Because nobody is like the lion

The lion is strong and great

The lion has a purpose

And it is not safe to tell

But all you need to know is

The lion frees us from Hell!

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Can we be?

I have been followed in my dreams for years

There is someone in there that erases all fears

I’ve known them the longest time

They are coming the clocks chime

I am afraid I will be a fool

Acting like some silly mule

Embarrassing myself when they come

Nervous laughter and bothersome

I am also scared of what they’ll think of me

Large and round and squirrelly

How can I be confidently me, when I in their presence be?

But the spirits say, it’s OK

They will love you anyway

But I don’t know, I am not so sure

My heart is too weak for more sores

I know they’ve been foretold for years

But that still does not erase my fears

They deserve better than what I can give

But the spirits say, he’ll make you live!

So cautiously I heed their words

I try to learn to trust

But despite all that I feel right now

I know, to meet them, I must

They are real, the spirits say

As real as flesh and bone

You’ve manifested each other

When you both ruled Heavens throne

Can we be that powerful?

Two people, you and I?

So powerful we made each other and together we will fly?

I can’t believe what I am hearing

I can’t believe it’s true

But all I know is, all my life, I have wanted you!

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Reading and writing past and present

I have always wanted to be a writer since I was ten years old when Mr Alistair a therapist/teacher told me that I had a gory imagination and extraordinary talent; back then my specialism was horror and it has only been in the past seventeen years that my writing has moved onto fantasy, comedy and poetry.  I started writing stories about alien invasions, vampires and alarmist ideas about climate change, El Niño and the end of the world.   I have for most of my life been a dedicated environmentalist, but since I talked so much in a spiritual forum about my concerns I lost confidence to continue writing this journalistically (is that a word? if not why not?), because I was accused of being a doom-sayer and me being a very uplifting positive person this accusation hurt me enough to stop me.

My first ever short story of any real length was based on Persephone in the underworld that I wrote when I was eleven.  I imagined how life must have felt like living in the underworld and even when I was that young I had a good clear understanding that not everyone is 100% evil or good, so I wrote about Hades in a positive form and it was very much influenced by my passion for Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.  This is a theme that has followed me through my writing life; if there is a misunderstanding in something, I am always willing to show another side to it – determined to prove to everyone that nothing is just black or white; it is a multitude of colours.  I can do this to the most indigestible of subjects too, according to a few people who have seen my handwritten work – thus I am sometimes known as an excellent mediator and diplomat, as long as the subject doesn’t get me too personally hot under the collar. 

One friend recently told me that they see me as society’s apologist, whatever that means.  I looked it up and I am not really that religious enough to be considered an apologist, though I suppose if you were to watch me answering questions whilst I am watching many quiz shows on religion, you’d say I seem to know an awful lot about religion for someone who isn’t interested in being religious.  You see I think this is where people misunderstand me – it is not that I am not religious, I am more humanist because I think that religion by and by causes division and I am all for world unity.  However I am a deeply spiritual person who literally believes in anything until it is absolutely solidly proven not to exist – hence why I leave milk and honey next to the stove at night for the house spirit (Nisse/elf) and ask permission to the tree itself before I prune it and honestly believe in various ancient customs and ideas – though I am still soul searching, but I will make this abundantly clear now, this is not an invitation to be converted to anything.  My ancestry history is so mixed, whenever I feel I should dedicate myself one way or another, I feel like I am upsetting some ancestor on the other side, so I don’t bother myself with dedication of that sort.

Anyway, this post was going to be about how I started writing and what I started with and where I have ended up.  I have written a lot of comedy and comic themes recently that I have noticed I have more and more of the fantasy and sci-fi comedy genre, if that is a genre.  I told Paul the other day that I feel like I am being possessed by the spirits of the deceased members of the Monty Python gang and Terry Pratchett, I try and write serious high fantasy and I can’t help putting in some silliness into it and I am seeing corny puns in everything!  The more I fight it, the funnier I get.

Unfortunately the comedy themes are rarely if ever posted on here, because I have made this mostly into a life update and poetry blog, rather than the intended fantasy blog, because I worry that my worst writing might be my best and my best my worse in the eyes of the world.  So I never really know which short stories and snippets to risk posting here.

I have decided to make this blog more of a writing diary, but again I have fears that I might reveal too much of my plans.  Fear is a major factor for me not posting much lately.

I have a handwritten diary I update about once a week on average because I keep forgetting to add to it – this diary is purely about my writing, my plans and any strange themes I have noticed that day or week.  For example, I have noticed I get a story idea in my head, then a book falls off the shelf in the library of a similar theme I was thinking about – weird coincidences like this happen a lot to me.  Then whilst television flicking, subjects of things I have been thinking about or themes of the day seem to be found everywhere, even on my sons chocolate wrappers as adverts at times!

I was thinking about sharing these day to day themes and the weird occurrences they have been discovered as part of my day to day blogging, as these things often develop into story ideas for me as I sit back and wonder what the universe wants me to do with these supposed signs?  What story is she prodding me towards and I believe this is why I have more ideas than actual work – I am never without a new idea, the problem for me is writing them down fast enough and concentrating on less than three at a time.  This is extra difficult for me because I am an attention deficit sufferer, I get bored doing the same thing or thinking about the same thing for longer than twenty minute bursts – hence why my current reading list on Goodreads usually has around twelve current books on the go!  It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a book, it just means I really can’t concentrate for more than twenty minutes.

Thinking about my reading list on Goodreads has actually just reminded me to make a point here on a matter a friend recently said to me the other day – she noticed that I have all these books on Goodreads I am currently reading but I only manage to read between ten and forty pages a day of maybe two or three books and she said that as far as she understands I am always reading but the Goodreads activities doesn’t prove it.  I said it is simple really when you consider that Goodreads is not designed to update magazines and newspapers and out of print books that are not listed on their site at all as well as local pamphlets and guides, game back stories, research websites, other people’s blogs and so forth. 

Here is a list of my magazine subscriptions and I do mean, I read them every time they are published either weekly or monthly;

Writing Magazine

Garden News

Sci-Fi Now

Gardeners World

Tesco

Yours

Pets @ home

Total TV Guide

Amateur Garden

Kitchen Garden

Lego club magazine

WWF membership news and stuff

Bibliophile

BBC History

New Scientist

Focus

Classic Rock

When I pick up a new magazine, that is the only thing I can read from beginning to end and it takes me around an hour to two hours – the reason why I can do that with a magazine rather than a novel is simple, the subject changes every few minutes.

Honestly, I am addicted to reading, I am addicted to downloading new information into my mind on a constant basis and I am a person who doesn’t enjoy sleep – I see it as a waste of time, but being ill, I have to sleep more than most and it literally drives me crazy!  All I want to do is think learn and do.

So there you have it!

Hello, I am Tina Cousins and I am a reading and writing addict and I don’t intend to cure myself of it, goodbye.

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All a jargogle

My mind is all a jargogle, my sanity is not here

I am not well in my head

But please do not fear

Don’t misunderstand my situation

I cannot take your infiltration

Leave me be and I will overcome my fears

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