Mirror from Hell

I never felt I was beautiful

I used to pretend I believed the lies

When others looked in awe at me, with their eyes opened wide

They tagged me beautiful, gorgeous, goddess and all the fancy names

Never once did I believe them, even though I was once vain

It was all a game to me

A game of “let’s pretend”

Perhaps one day I’ll believe them

Let’s try and set the trend

I did my hair and face up, but I felt like I was a clown

I wore a smile on my face, but in my heart I wore a frown

I stared in the mirror to try and see, what others thought they saw

But all I saw was flab and guts and pimples and all the flaws

I couldn’t understand what the heck they saw in me

And still to this day, it puzzles me

Though I’m not like how I used to be

I am heavier and I have aged

I’ve white in my head of hair and the light in my eyes has disengaged

I had let myself go completely, for I thought why bother now?

I’ve passed my best and what’s the point?  Fat stupid cow!

But you know, I had a glimmer of hope and it came to me

To pick myself up again

Preen myself and see!

Could I trick myself to believe, that I am something good?

And that I’ve had it all along, though see it – never could!

Can I be so bold to imagine, a life where I agree with you?

That I am a beautiful goddess and I can see it too?

Because right now I don’t see it

Though my eyes are opened wide

And I am staring down the mirror

And I’ve tried and tried and tried

I can’t see the Venus, I can’t see the Belle

My mirror comes from a circus, a circus from Hell

I don’t know why I can’t see it

I don’t know what is wrong

But I know I will keep trying

Maybe I’ll come along?

Who knows one day I’ll see it

But till then I sit confused

And my ego sits all battered, beaten and bruised

Whilst I keep on staring in the mirror that’s from Hell

And wonder why I don’t see the true me – I wish someone could tell

And till then I will keep on trying

To see myself in a better light

Though it’s a real big struggle right now

A historically epic fight

I won’t give up like I did once

I will keep on till I drop

Because I can’t keep seeing the lies can I?

The penny’s got to drop!

Why did you give up?

Why did you give up?

One inch from the diamond

In the caves of darkness and joyless work

Through all the soot and tears you’ve been through

Why did you give up?

Just one inch away…

Just one more hit away…

Did you think that things won’t go your way?

Did you think your instinct was only play?

Did you think that it was fruitless before you sowed the seed?

So you gave up and didn’t proceed

To get the diamond freed

So your life abundant be

So you can stand proud because you succeed

In never giving up life’s game

So life will always be the same

Because you gave up

That’s insane…

Written 2:02am 20th March 2023

Losing the fight

One thing about me is I am good at not showing negative emotions.  Online it seems like I am a drama queen that I am suckered into my emotions and I go to dark places and I seem self-absorbed. 

Offline however, I hide it.  I hide myself when I am down so I don’t bring down others I am around.

I am an empath; I soak up energies of other people, even just by thinking about them I can kind of get a feel what’s going on in their lives.  So I respect that other people might be empathic too.

It’s a real hard adjustment living with someone who is as apathetic in life as I am; it’s like a prison of despair in a very real sense.

I never used to be like this.  I am trapped in depression because I am around apathetic or superficial people, or people who just seem unemotional a lot of the time.

I used to be such a happy Pollyanna type; those days seem very far away right now. 

I am getting to the point I am losing my strength to fight it and carry on, I am getting into a hopeless place.

Gradually over the months I’ve lost more and more of my appetite, to the extent I think soon I will not even bother to try and eat.  I have only just realised today that it’s actually probably due to depression that I can’t eat, because on the days I have been able to eat a little more, things have been a little lighter around me.

I am doing less and less as time goes by, it’s like I am a clockwork doll which is about to lose her energy at any moment and there is no one left to wind me up again.  Isolation has done that to me, isolation and a lazy superficial person I live with.

I needed Samaritans today, but I am deaf, I can’t speak on the phone – they don’t do text speech yet in my area apparently, but it’s coming soon…

Will it come soon enough?

I try to hide when I cry, I don’t like people seeing me like that, imagine how awkward it was for me when Henry walked in on me because I lost track of time and he came home from school and rushed to my bedroom to give me one of his ever increasingly rare hello hugs and instantly his smile became a face of concern. 

Guilt, that’s what hit me when I saw his face, cold hard guilt.

I had my hoodie up and I shielded my eyes but he is a smart boy, he wasn’t convinced when I faked a cold.

He demanded to know what caused it and hugged me as he became firm about getting to the bottom of it.

He left eventually. 

What bothers me is not that he caught me, but that his father came into the room just ten minutes before completely unfazed by how he found me.  He never asked any questions other than when I wanted dinner and was eager to leave again without battering an eyelid.  When Paul left, I got worse, because one of the reasons why I was upset was because I felt lonely and I felt no one could care if I were to die tomorrow.

To me, this proved it.

No one but Henry would.

Perhaps I am selfish, perhaps I am a drama queen – perhaps tomorrow I will snap out of it?

Perhaps!

But right now, I am losing heart to try anymore. 

I am tired of broken dreams, broken promises, and snapshots of a better future without any proof or real taste of it.  I am tired of the lies; I am tired of people using me as a pawn in a game.

I am tired. 

Thanks for reading…

Us creatures

That game which is no longer a game

It is known to me

The spirits tell me everything

For they want me to be free

They’ve shown me all your dreams and fears

They’ve shown me all you’ve done

They have promised that someday

You, in my life will come

I won’t judge you for playing

Because I know you’re not playing now

Don’t judge me before you know me

When you know me, anyhow

Yes we’ve known each other

In another life

We’ve known each other in spirit

We’ve see each other’s strife

Our connection is a strong one

Telepathic and its true

Don’t think you have anything to prove to me

Because I know you through and through

All I am doing is waiting

For you to come to me

And talk awhile about what it is

What you want from me

I know it sounds strange right now

But I know what it is you want

And I have always been waiting

For this guy I’ve dreamt of, who haunts

I don’t think you realise

Just how much I know

The question is, will you come

Yes or no?

I can’t do a thing for you

Until you reach out a hand

I have been waiting all my life

And waiting is not grand

It breaks my heart to know things

The darkness has been warm

But my heart is heavy and cold

My heart is scratched and worn

But I know you will heal me

Because you feel it too

You and I share everything

We are one, not two

We live in the shadows

We pretend to kiss the light

But we both know what we really want

We really want the night

So offer me your hand

And I will take it for sure

Because living without you hurts me

And I can’t take it anymore

Saffy is close to falling fast asleep

So close to giving up

She needs her emperor beside her

To wake and shake her up

We are not giving up this easily

We are one you and I

We will fight this battle united

You will no longer cry

We will walk this earth together

And rule it with an iron might

Because together we cannot be vanquished

Us creatures of the night

8:07pm 25th February 2023

You won’t ruin two birds

You won’t ruin two birds with your game

The raven sees your stinky name

You won’t get the broken doll

Because she finds you very dull

Her metallic knight is bright and true

He loves her, not like you!

You won’t get to play with me

Because I don’t like you, can’t you see?

So go ahead and threaten me

But I will sting you like a bee!

If you dare come between me and he

Just you wait and see!

Space wars

Some people are bitter bullies

Trying to burn a star with a sun

A war out in space

An idiot thinks it’s fun

Some can’t take an answer like “no”

But how one can stoop, ever so low!

They try to punch an envious blow

Cause a fire in the pan

But does he really know who guides my hand?

His own presumed Lord and Master and his sister he hurts

He thinks he is untouchable, but he’ll get his just desserts

Because I am a Queen and I reign well

Anyone who messes with me, will burn in Hell

It is presumed we are the same

But we are not, he is lame

Because he messes with a game

That he can’t win at all

Because the guy is just a fool!

He has a choice to end this now

Stop his silly games

Or else he’ll feel the bite of hounds

Taking all his gains

I’m not the same

Choose life

Not the knife

Not the stainless steel

Don’t be ironic, be iconic

Live your life with zeal

There is love and it’s all for you

You don’t know how much its true

Because the shark came to claim

Doesn’t mean I’ll think the same

I don’t play that horrid game

I have been there too

Just know that I love you

So what are you going to do?

Chess

Life is like a game of chess.

You are a pawn to play.

Life has these strategies to move you along.

Some of them are kind to you and others set you challenges.

Some of the strategies are a complete mystery, a curse or a blessing.

Whatever!

But yes, life is like a game of chess.

What will the next move be?

Guess…

What do you see?

So, the huntress is being stalked

I see them in the shadows when I’ve walked

I know they are following my way

I know they are learning how I play

I hear them tittering and I hear them talk

About how far I have walked

But I amusedly walk on

Because they are only a con

I don’t believe what the shadows say

I only believe that they play!

Because why are they hiding away from me?

I think they’re afraid… do you agree?

Too scared to come and talk to me

Or afraid of themselves, now what will it be?

I walk on – maybe forever

But when I hear them… I think…. Whatever!

It’s just a child’s game to you

You enjoy this thing you do

No real intention behind your words

To think there is, would be absurd!

I’ve grown enough to know

The lengths that silly people go

To find amusement in their boring lives

By spreading rumours and lies

I continue on my walk

Maybe someday we will talk?

Maybe not

Why should I care?

If you are still watching from over there?

No business of mine what you do

Unless there are lies that you spew

If there are lies, why did you do that?

Have I offended you?

If I have, then tell me how?

I don’t remember our spat…

I was just walking this lonely path

I didn’t mean to fill you with wrath

I am just ambling through my life

I didn’t mean to cause discontent or strife

So why do you follow and why do you talk?

About me on my path and where I walk?

I don’t understand your mind at all

Maybe I am just a fool

But I am curious why me?

And why so interested you be?

I don’t get it, so I continue on

All these games make me feel wan

It has simply gone on too long

And I need to know, why me?

I am unassuming and I am plain

I have nothing to lose or gain

I sleepwalk through this life of mine

Literally just biding time

I’m bored with life and I have lost my spark

It isn’t fair, if you just lark

I just want to get through my life

Without any more cuttings from a knife

I just want to stop bleeding

I just want to stop needing

I just want the pain to go

I am tired of hate and woe

I live in the shadows for a reason

I have been burned by the hot season

No longer do I wish to feel

My only wish is to heal

My second wish is to remember one thing

What it was like to be happy and sing?

Is that so much to ask of life?

I’m fighting against the after-life

But I am losing strength and heart in that

The deep blue is my habitat

I just wish I knew the truth about you

Why do you watch this creature blue?

What fascination is there about me?

I look in the mirror but I don’t see…

What curiosity is there in me?

Except of course, to capture me…

They didn’t think I was playing right

I think they thought I wasn’t playing right.

But tragically I was.

Someone wanted to play a game on twitter the other day with their followers, but I guess nobody believed I was playing properly because nobody answered me, everyone bypassed my answer.  I am not bothered by it, in fact when it comes to truth questions, hardly anyone believes me when I tell them the things I’ve gone through.

Used to it.

The game was two truths and a lie, so I told them this.

First thing – I have broken my leg and walked on it for 9 months without seeing anyone medical about it.

Second thing – I have survived a bomb explosion.

Third thing – I am a model.

For your information, I am not a model; the other two are sadly true.

I broke my leg when I got out of the bath awkwardly around 16yrs ago, it was extremely painful and for months I couldn’t rest my calf on anything and had to sleep with a cushion under my rump to keep my calf from touching the bed.  My mum wouldn’t let me see a doctor about it, around nine months later the doctor accidentally knocked into my leg on his swivel chair and I screamed.

He thought I was overly dramatic until I explained what happened to me several months earlier, then he sent me for a precautionary x-ray and found I had been living with a break for all that time and that they want to rebreak my leg to fix it properly or I could have ongoing issues all my life.  My mother wouldn’t let me opt for that, so I have ongoing issues all my life with that. 

I also want to say there was another incidence where I broke several ribs and again, I wasn’t allowed medical help. I wanted this to be my third option – where I would have said, I broke one rib once, it would have been a lie as I broke several all at once. But I guess people have a problem with macabre realities.

The bomb explosion was 200 yards from my house and broke all the windows; I was sitting 2ft from one of those windows at the time.  It was a prime location for IRA attacks.

I guess some people just can’t believe a person can go through so much?

Nobody believes the broken doll, of course, she’s just an attention whore!

Happy reading!