Big boys

I’ve played with bigger boys than you

Those who respect a lady true

Big boys don’t use girls like toys

They don’t mope and make a noise

They lift their chin up and keep their pride

They don’t play games and then run and hide

They don’t bully girl who says “no”

Because they are valiant chivalric beaus

Unlike you, who cry and weep

Because you thought this girl was cheap

And she told you to go away

And so this is why you started to play

But her big boys are onto you

They know how to play, they’re not new

So this is what I suggest to you

Leave me alone

Stinky… whew!

You stink Mr.

You stink

You spaced out green monster

You stink

You Mr Scrooge

You stink

And you won’t have me

Because his love for me is huge

You stink

And you know it

It’s there in your name

You stink in all your glory, your power and your fame

You sit and you sulk

Like a pitiful little boy

Because you know this broken doll

Won’t become your toy

I love the one who is working hard for me

And you should know it isn’t you

You stink and I can’t take it

You stink like…. Ew

I know these games you are playing

I know what you try to do

But you’re not getting this broken dolly

So off you go now, shoo!

Just one game…

I’m a recovering gaming addict.

I used to play games for hours when I was bedbound sick every single day, right up until around Easter 2022 when I decided enough is enough!

I am tired of being sick and gaming and doing nothing else – I am tired of pretending to be a farmer on Sims4 because I can’t garden anymore.  I am tired of being a Sims character with a dog, because I can’t have a dog.  I am tired of living a virtual life!

I knew that once I gave up gaming that I might go round the twist pretty quickly because it was the only thing that took my mind off the pain I have every day.

But I came to the conclusion that if I wasn’t gaming as much, then I would be practising art and writing more and for a time that was true.

You have no idea how much I actually miss gaming!

Especially since today I learned that Sims4 updates are becoming cooler than ever!

Sims4 wasn’t the only game I was addicted to when I was a gamer in early 2022 – no – I loved Rome Total war and a Warhammer card game – I loved Bee swarm simulator on Roblox and other games on Roblox too, since I was a toddler I have been a gamer chick!

It was something I held in shame for most of my life, but around the end of 2021 I started to become proud of it and even thought about being a gamer on YouTube doing reviews because of free promotional stuff peeps get on there!

But then I started to try and get mature.

I don’t know why I wanted to do that, because giving up gaming is the only thing that I did – everything else about me is as immature as ever and I am not ashamed to consider myself one of life’s Peter Pan types.

On Twitter today I posted how I want to play Sims4 again today and how I want to eat popcorn and game all night and I really do – but it won’t actually happen… why?

My big gaming machine is downstairs in the living room and we only have heating down there for two hours a day and those two hours are around the time I would eat dinner approximately.  Henry has the habit these days whenever he sees me on that machine he either wants to play himself so I can’t enjoy my time on it – or he will try to control which games I play so he can observe or play with me through his laptop – so it’s never my time anymore!

I am starting to get back into the gaming mind-set for the last three days because Henry demanded I go on Facebook Trainstation to play with him for half an hour because he wants boosts and international trains from me to help him get an achievement.

I don’t particularly like Trainstation because its more or less the same all the time and I am bored of it, I got bored of it around five years ago.

But I have got roped into about an hour of that a day since the weekend and its boring – plus I am a little upset it is eating into the time for the only game I play these days which is FlightRising.

I play flightrising as my writing warm up exercise for about 45 to 90 minutes a day, thanks to Trainstation I am only there for ten minutes just to feed the dragons and turn their eggs and scavenge.

I am upset because I have projects I wanted to do on that; I wanted to gene up some of my baby nocturnes from the Night of the Nocturnes festival and level them all up to 25 in the coliseum to sell, because they are all 1^st generation babies, which makes them extra special to other gamers.

I can earn approximately 300k of treasure in game per day, but at this rate, with Henry’s demands for Train station, I am barely able to get 30k a day now.  Ordinarily that would mean I could splice a gene every two days, but now it could take a month!

I seem to be losing more and more ability to do what I want or need in every manner these days, even eat – it’s all so dumb – everything thing has been taken out of my control!

It’s not just Paul interfering anymore with what I do, it’s now Henry.

I can’t eat most of my dinners anymore, because it’s really stressful.  It’s stressful to sit at the dining table with my family, because of the arguments and when I get tense I can’t eat or I start purging, so oftentimes I am going hungry or eating in vain because I can’t keep it down!

Since Henry has been diagnosed with autism it’s like it has given Henry permission to completely revert back to being a toddler!

I go to the toilet and I am disturbed all the time, because he is demanding attention.  I wouldn’t mind, I would love to give him attention and get him off the laptop and talk with me – but he does it every time I go to the toilet – I am deaf, I can’t hear him through the door and when I finish he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.  This is starting to mess up my system if you get me?

Not that you needed to know that, but this is how highly stressed I am these days living here – I have stomach ache a lot and the only time I can relax toileting these days is after 1am when I know the whole house is going to be quiet and not disturb me!

It’s not right living like this and when I talk to people about their behaviour here, it gets vicious – it gets nasty, I just can’t talk to them anymore, they just won’t be civilised with each other or to me anymore!

I am severely depressed by it all because I feel so trapped here and I am!

I just can’t seem to do anything!

A simple thing like eating a meal, going to the toilet or playing a half hour game on my big machine can cause huge ructions and stress!

I am having nightmares about it – seriously!

The amounts of boring things I used to do day to day is actually becoming something like Ground Hog Day dreams at night time – so I am not getting any respite from reality lately.

I am waking up, thinking certain things have been done, to find they haven’t been – then the realisation it was just a dream starts to eat away at me and I start feeling hopeless and tearful again – because I was pretty sure I swept the stairs last night!

I was pretty sure we bought the new mop.

I was pretty sure the bad neighbour was seen moving out yesterday!

I am pretty sure I found my missing vampire files last night! 

It’s all really sending me around the twist now.

I really feel like I am descending into madness and everything is like déjà vu or repeating itself! 

Maybe I am already dead and I am trapped in limbo like my mum always said I would be, because I am not baptised and was born out of wedlock – I am after all, in her opinion “The Devil’s child” anyway! 

Thanks for reading and pray for my sanity please!

Fandoms? More like Fangdoms!

Here is the subject of fandoms.

I have been asked in social media a few times over the past few weeks about why (other than horror and vampires) my fandoms are not more widely shared and why I haven’t narrowed them down to specifics?

I haven’t the clue to be honest.

But it’s an interesting thing to think about sharing. 

I think I have made it clear in some of them, but there are a few which I think would even surprise some of my most dedicated followers here.

I think almost everybody knows by now that I have a huge passion for Alice in Wonderland and Alice through the looking glass books and anything pertaining to it, their adaptions and generally collecting stuff that has the characters on them?

This is because I have a huge passion for nonsense, nonsense rhymes, absurdism and surrealism and therefore this also means that I like those kinds of art, I also like abstract art and impressionism.

Another widely known fandom I love is The Wizard of OZ and the whole series of fourteen books and the adaptions of those too. 

I like Peter Pan and all their adaptions too.

But I like other things too, not just fandoms pertaining to classical literature, because I am also a fan of Charles Dickens, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and The Bronte sisters and their adaptions.

Everybody knows I have a passion for vampires, I love the vampire diaries but I am also mad keen on Vampire the Masquerade since a friend introduced me to them fifteen years ago because they felt I was copying them – which I couldn’t have been because I knew nothing about them before they told me!

Actually there was a lot of similarities that I had to rehash a huge amount of work for, because I too, was afraid of the coincidences.  This had meant that literally after I learned about Vampire the masquerade I had to totally re-edit about thirty whole books I had finished and stashed, waiting for the time I found my courage to send them off.  Luckily I didn’t, is all I can say!

Since finding them on YouTube two years back, I have been trying to watch Vampire the Masquerade L.A by Night and its so much fun! 

I’d totally love to be on that show!

I have only got through season 1 episode 10 so far, that’s an epilogue, so I have to finish the epilogues before I move onto season 2; I’ll get there eventually!

I also love Anne Rice, naturally.

Another fandom I like has been The Sandman Comics from Neil Gaiman.

I also like mafia movies and series such as The Sopranos.

I am a huge fan of Stephen King and have been since I was a kid; I started horror young, thanks to my grandma!

I also love anything to do with the Froud family, their puppets, their artworks I absolutely adore their works!

I love the muppets too and sesame street! I love puppets, but I am scared of certain types like the traditional ventriloquist wooden dummies and Pinocchio, Pinocchio freaks me out!

I’m huge keen on Queen, the rock band I got into them with another one of my big fandoms “The Highlander” movies, TV series and books!

I am also a huge fan of Batman, have been since I was 5yrs old and all their villains.

I like the original Star Trek too – one of my exes is such a big trekkie he is actually a famous lifestyle Klingon these days – seriously, he speaks fluent Klingon and works day in and day out purely entertaining his hobby with other fans, it’s his day job!  I am not such a huge fan to do that myself – but hey Star Trek is pretty cool!  I never missed an episode growing up!

I also love anything to do with the Lord of the Rings.

Both Henry and I are huge Lady Gaga fans as well or little monsters!

I personally love Monty Python and Mr Bean too.

I will never grow up either, so I love Trolls and Winnie the Pooh and I still collect things to do with them!

I also love musical theatre and operas as well, so I have quite a few passions for some of those – such as Phantom of the Opera, Cats, Witches of Eastwick, Carmina Burana, various Shakespeare plays too.

I am mad keen on anything to do with circuses, fairs and carnivals and I have a huge passion for masquerades!  With this being said, I love Pierrot, jesters, harlequins and these days clowns too – I used to be terrified of clowns and now I love them – go figure!   

I love anything pertaining to the occult as well, I do a lot of research in that and love learning new things about superstitions and other stuff – usually because I write horror and love horror.

I am also involved with several horror fandoms, mostly pertaining to Stephen King but I do like other stuff too, things from Susan Hill, Edgar Allen Poe and Max Brooks.

I like anything to do with fairyland and gnomes and things like that as well.

So I would say my fandoms are broad, I do spread myself thinly – but I am mostly just horror, vampires, batman, absurdism and that sort of thing.

I would also include dogs but do they count?  I think they do!  Also goats and guinea pigs, but hey there you go!  People don’t acknowledge those as fandoms!  LOL

I love Rome Total War and Warhammer games too, but I am too poor to enjoy them when they are new out and that sucks!

I like war games and anything to do with strategy – I also love learning about ancient warfare.

I also love Victorian or regency dramas.

I really love Discworld too!  Terry Pratchett is amazing!

I liked, but didn’t want the whole thing – Once Upon A Time a TV series, that was cool too – just didn’t have the time to see all of it and then the DVD player broke down halfway through the box-set in fact right at the part they first met Captain Hook!

So sucky – I loved it and I want to know what happens – but NO SPOILERS PLEASE!

So, yes that’s me in fandoms… I wouldn’t say I am hard-core in much except vampires and Alice in Wonderland though.

Thanks for reading! 

End those wars

You are bored drama llama

You have a beef that is decades old

You can’t help yourself

So you are bold

You tease and manipulate

Till you find an end

But you can never find solace

So you can’t ever mend

Playing games with the pawns of the people in your life

Feeling very proud that you are like a knife

Sharp witted and sharp tongued

The people you’ve stung

Another trophy for your wall to be hung

When will you stop playing these games?

When will you stop playing with the flames?

When will you live in peace and love?

What will it take for you to put back on your gloves?

When will you listen to that heart of yours?

And live in true harmony and end those wars…

Paranoia

Too many eyes

Too many tongues

Too many heads this way turn

Too many secrets

And many lies

Why do their stares burn?

What’s the problem?

What have I done?

Why do their eyes burn me like the sun?

Why do they whisper and play these games?

And who are they?

What are their names?

Too many questions

None have revealed

How can I hide?

How can I shield?

What do they want?

What do they know?

Why are they doing this?

I want to know!

The eyes talk

But not a lot

Why am I burned?  Why are their eyes hot?

Too much mystery

Too many clouds

Some voices are quiet

And others loud

Some drive me mad

Some make me sad

But ultimately why do they look so bad?

What do they see when they look at me?

It is all such a big dark mystery…

A cold warning

I’m not one for being used

Unless I give my heart

But if you don’t cherish me enough

We simply have to part

I’m not into short term love

They are ten a penny

I am tired of all the games

I don’t want any

Don’t try to trick me with your charms

It won’t work with this witch

Hurt me and cast me aside

You’ll soon see a bitch!

I’ll hunt you down and tear you apart

For thinking you can play with my heart

I go cold and black quite quick

If you try to fuck around this chick

I’ll chew you up and spit you out

Before you even know it

And that will be your just desserts for treating me like shit!

Art project for tarot

Over the next few days I am drawing up a plan for a relatively big art project, an art project I am hoping to put out into the market to sell; the project is creating my own deck of tarot cards!

It is something I have always wanted to do, but until recently I have had little confidence in both my ability to read the tarot without referencing to books and even less confidence in my artwork.

I am now a little bit better off where I can afford to replace art supplies again as I use them, so there are no more excuses in me not doing art anymore.

There is only one true thing against me and my art now that is doing the art in a stress free environment away from the icy cold.  My art table is used for other means most of the time and so it is a fight to get the space used for what it should be and I can’t move it to a warmer location because it is currently being used as a dining table in order to make room in the house.

The art table was also my jigsaw puzzle table, needless to say I haven’t touched a jigsaw in nearly three years and you’ve guessed why by now haven’t you?

So, being as my art table is being used, I have to try and consider doing art elsewhere… the only other option is to use my adjustable laptop table in the bedroom, but then that risks getting ink and paint on the bedclothes and the table rocks a lot whenever I tap on it, which could ruin the art consistently.

My other option would be to sit on the floor and place a dragon box between my legs whilst my Pooh board balances on the top of it and I cover the board with cling film so I don’t ruin the art of my Pooh board.

What is my Pooh board, you may ask? 

It’s a board with Pooh on it – Winnie-The-Pooh, I once had this board downstairs and Henry was around 3yrs old and drew a scribble on the board, or so Paul thought it was a scribble – I looked at it and I said – OMG IT’S AMAZING LOOK WHAT HE’S DRAWN PAUL!  Paul nodded and smirked and I said, can you see what he has drawn?  No, he said.  I said, look, there is a snout here see?  And an eye… to me this is the very head of Winnie-The-Pooh!  Oh yeah said Paul vaguely… I am still not sure he saw it.  But after a few months went by I decided I was going to thicken the outline with a sharpie, exact to the lines Henry made and then Paul saw it!

This board was shunted around the house without any real value or meaning, never to this day did I know why we kept it, but it became useful when I became sick around a year later – because it became my sandwich board!

Meaning, as I was too sick sometimes to leave the bedroom to eat, I would rest my plate usually sandwiches or a bowl of soup on the board whilst I sat in bed and I ate alone.  Over a time this board developed more and more pictures as in the boredom of being mostly bedbound I started to draw all kinds of various images/crap on it.

Some aspects of it positively scream street art or graffiti, other aspects old style cartoons and yes, some occult images too and affirmations.

Paul told me, one day, when I sell my book and people hear or even see this board, they’d want to buy it!  I should frame the board in a manner it can be framed double sided, so you can choose which side you want it on the wall.  I said nobody will be interested in my sandwich board!

He said nobody will see it as your sandwich board; they’ll see it as art – put it up online for sale and see what I mean! 

I AM NOT SELLING MY SANDWICH BOARD!

He told me if I died he would!

So yeah, that’s what I am doing over the next few days, planning the art I want to do for each tarot card, then it will take me one day per picture to create on average, maybe three depends on what medium I intend to use – I think I intend to use ink personally.  So there are usually 78 cards to a tarot deck, this means that the project should be finished around 90 to 100 days after I start the plans. 

So I am going to presume that it will take me two days a picture which gives me an estimated time frame of the finished product being around the 1^st August to the end of August 2023.

This is achievable if my work is done at my usual pace of 3 to 7 hours per picture every two days.  Really the 1^st August is 201 days away from now – and I only really need 156 days to do it, but I know I procrastinate and have sick days so I’ve made allowances for that and a couple of down and out failures and restarts as well as artistic lethargy! 

Thing is, I want to do more than one deck in the future, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

Let’s do one deck first and let’s see!

The art for the tarot will be used to sell prints, pins and stickers as well as a bunch of other items and I plan to sell them via square space.  I also plan to start a paid subscription service here on my blog where my users will get a huge discount voucher and a bunch of other stuff. 

Yes a paid subscription for extra material is coming up sometime in the future, not sure when I am trying to figure all the technical stuff out first and I am procrastinating because technology outside of games is just boring to me!

So yes, that’s what I am up to now.

Thanks for reading! 

Pure apathy

Sometimes it is hard for me to knuckle down and do anything, especially when there is a lot of emotional upsets going on in my life and it doubles up in being difficult to do anything, even for pleasure when I become sicker too.

We lost a relative a few weeks back, that hit the whole household hard and then Henry was diagnosed with autism, that was OK, things have improved a little with his behaviour – but there are other issues going on which has meant writing anything outside of the blog has been difficult for me.

It’s not that I don’t want to, but I am easily consumed by negativity and it can fully take up my head space.

I am now worried about a friend who is badly sick in ICU.

I have done better this week than I have since September towards my AD project though, I admit that just under 2500 words isn’t anything to brag about during that time, but it has been the best that I could do under the circumstances.

I am trying to get myself back into the flow of things again; however, a lot of things in my ordinary day to day life has just literally stopped, not just the novel writing!

I haven’t kept up much with my Italian lessons and I haven’t been reading very much either.  Though saying that, I am slowly getting back into the flow of it again since the 8^th of December!

Slowly is the key word here.

I’m not very well right now, writing this to you all – I have very bad bronchitis and a throat infection and I keep going hot and cold, my glands are swollen too – not a good sign for me, especially as I am getting the rosiness in my face again… the rosiness which may be the lupus rash – but doctors decline to diagnose that with me or have me tested for it, but Paul is convinced it’s lupus.

I don’t really know why since September my whole life seems to have been put on hold.  I have had emotional setbacks before but still managed to keep my writing, gaming, reading, researching, learning habits alive despite it.  But it’s affected everything – I don’t watch TV much anymore, no YouTube, no magazine reading, no book reading, no research, not gaming as much as I used to and barely writing – also my language lessons have almost stopped completely too; my appetite is non-existant, my insomnia has increased hugely and I am finding it hard to maintain the will to talk to Paul anymore. 

In fact I have to force myself to, it’s like I have gone beyond depression… if you can understand me?

I am struggling to even maintain the will-power to keep my blog alive, which is one of the reasons why I deliberately spent £18 of my £25 this week purely on a business subscription to keep it alive – as I felt I was losing interest even in this.

Did it to encourage me to do something, not to waste the money.

It’s like all I want to do is shut myself away in my room alone and stare into nothingness all the while, whilst being occasionally disturbed by pretty pictures of my tarot card collection (I have 18 decks) which I obsessively look at and seeing a weirdly large amount of spirits more than usual.  Remember, I am clairvoyant, but there is a strange vast activity of visitors lately.

All I seem to want to do is stare at pretty pictures and be alone – which is strange as I hate being alone… I hate the quiet…  I hate being alone… I hate being unproductive… I hate feeling lazy and useless… yet, I have become all that since September and I honestly don’t know why!

I have gone into extreme apathy and I have discussed this with Paul, but all he does is nod and agree, yes indeed I have become quite apathetic – but he does nothing to help me resolve it and after such conversations with him, I feel like why did I waste energy sharing my thoughts and feelings with him?  Then I feel worse, tired and I have a nap.

I told him in the hope he’d do or say something to awaken me from this state, but I didn’t get that response.  Just a nod and agreement and confirmation of what I said and that’s that. 

Maybe it’s just me… but I feel alone in trying to help myself out of it… really alone and I am not sure I can do it alone anymore…

Thanks for reading…

I was made

I was created to love you and hold you in my arms

Stroke your hair as you snuggle, whilst I fall for your charms

I was made to help you, feel like a child again

Only this time you are nurtured and I’ll help the pain to end

I was created for you, so you had someone to hold

Someone to always be there for you, someone you could mould

We’ll be like peacocks you and I and the world will be in awe

Because together you and I, we will surely soar

You need a playmate and a friend, who’ll have patience, love and care

And you will be my guardian, my big ferocious bear

You needed someone like me, to follow in your games

And be a changeling for you, nothing is ever the same

You want a docile woman, who will be like a little doe

Who tirelessly follows wherever you may go

You want a dedicated woman who will pep talk you and soar

But ultimately you want her to match you and more!

You want me to be creative; I can do that for you

You love brainstorming with me it’s your favourite thing to do

We are both like children, enthusiastic in our play

What is life going to be like tomorrow?  It won’t be like today!

I’m an undemanding woman, well, outside love and foreplay!

I hope we will be together some day?

I am an unassuming woman, I don’t want a lot

Just lots of love and snuggles and some babies in a cot

I just want a garden and a few little pets

But outside that, I just want you because with you I am set!

I can’t wait will we’re together

But I don’t think we will

Because there is something stopping you

And it makes me ill

I know I’ll die without you

If you chose not to come

Because I was made for you and that is why I’ve come

I am going to stop this poem

Because I’ve said all I can

But you need to know this one thing…

I am lost without my man!