I’m sorry for the worry

Ugh, I have poetry pushed back for months that I forget about and if I don’t check my prescheduled posts more than three times a week, sometimes the bad stuff gets out there without me noticing and that is what happened in my previous post.

I have bouts of depression where I write things like that and at the time I wrote them, they are genuine emotions at that time for me; but because I want to be more focused on happier things and healing myself I wanted to do away with those poems for times when I am feeling down again – if I ever do and no doubt I will someday.

Today’s poem “When” was written in January approximately, there are twelve other poems written around the same time that are prescheduled in the future, but I push them back so not to upset my readers unless I am actually having those emotions currently.

I’ve been slow and ill in the last three days and I forgot to keep watch of the gloomy stuff.

Please be assured, I am 50/50 right now, neither depressed or happy, just miserably suffering from a thousand sneezes an hour, a scratchy throat, hearing loss, ear infection, chest infection and a cold virus all rolled into one!

I’m physically suffering to the extent I have no time to think about how I emotionally feel right now, lol.

It can kind of be a blessing in disguise, though saying that, if I am ill too long – that can bring dark thoughts back again, because illness lasts too long at times that it makes me just feel like I was just born to suffer!

I did say earlier in the year I’d date the prescheduled poems, but I forgot on several because I have the memory span of a goldfish.

So please don’t go panicking over me, I am in a MEH kind of state right now.

Though if you want to give me any kind of “positive” attention, please do, I am feeling quite needy and sorry for myself right now – rolling around in bed like I’ve got man flu reciting the lyrics of Alice Cooper’s “Nobody likes me”.

Yes, I can be an attention seeker sometimes, I’ll admit it.

If anyone cares enough to donate extra soft tissues and honey and lemons I’d be more than grateful, lol!

When life gives me lemons I make cough syrup!

When life gives me a lottery win when I am sick like this, I buy hot Indian food to burn the MF out! 

I did actually win the lottery this week – £3.40, just £3.40… suppose it’s better than nothing, but it’s not enough for a celebratory Indian take away!

So yeah, thanks for caring, I appreciate it!

Thanks for reading!

Health update & dystopian dinner

I have a bad chest infection again, so it’s back to bed life again until it blows over – oh such fun, you realise of course that was sarcasm?

Another one to three week delay in getting my body into shape, at this rate I won’t be my goal weight until October, it’s more than a little annoying!

What’s frustrating is I was throwing myself into reading and research to try and get me motivated to write again, so that’s been delayed too!

Because when I am sick like this, I can’t read a book and remember what I’ve read, the memory of what I’ve read gets coughed out of me!

The amount of poems I’ve started between Wednesday and today but didn’t finish, because a coughing fit or a sneezing fit literally blew me out of my zone, I tell you it was numerous!

My chest hurts so much, this chest infection actually feels worse than last Easters Covid which is weird, and it’s not Covid though.  I am scared to go to the doctor for two reasons, in recent years when I’ve had chest infections the doctor believes its viral and won’t give me antibiotics unless I literally get so bad it turns into pneumonia or pleurisy and I am in A&E with breathing difficulties – or I will get Covid whilst there on top of it.

I can’t afford to spend £10 taxi fares to see a doctor and get no help, what’ more, if a taxi drive sees me having coughing fits, of course he isn’t going to be happy to take me to the doctor – not after Covid issues in the world! 

Paul is in agreement with me, it’s one of the worst infections I’ve had in nearly 2yrs, he is saving money the best he can, because we’ve been down this road before – it’s likely in a week or two if it carries on, I will be going to hospital in Coventry which is more than just £10 transport fees then!

What’s more is, Paul will have to leave me there in Coventry hospital alone until I need to come home again, because Paul can’t afford to come and visit me every day and no one else will! 

Typing is slower, but it’s getting done.

I need to try and keep to a normal routine, even if my work is my crappiest at this time! 

If I make no sense in this post, you can at least appreciate and understand why?

I have 7 library books to read in just 3 weeks, with this illness, there’s no chance in getting them read in time!

I rarely have more than 4 books out from the library these days; this is how serious I was last week about reading and researching to get my work done!

A massive poetry book; a poetry exercise book, a screenwriting book, a book about the senses, a book against procrastination (lol, the irony), atomic habits and eating to extinction.  Eating to extinction is both environmental research and personal interest combined with contemplating ideas for Project AD.

Project AD has a beginning, middle and end planned now, but I am not happy with it and it needs to be fleshed out and needs to be more interesting.  The novel has not been written, but there are several scenes for a graphic novel done, there are in depth bullet points for 40 different scenes, but there is no actual structure yet.  It’s not properly done in my opinion, yet – no dialogue, just action scenes.

I can’t help but have this nagging feeling it needs more.

I know it does need more, I mean, that there should be a sub plot along with it, but I am struggling with this decision.

I tell you how much it’s bothering me, having this chest infection making me slower… I had a dream last night about post-apocalyptic characters from all my favourite movies, especially Mad Max and Tank Girl, I was slow and coughing and serving dinner for people worrying about things as I always do and the biggest Mad Max villain gave me a hug and told me to stop worrying about it all, things will get done in their own time and maybe it’s a sign I should slow down.

There’s those two words I hate again, “slow down”. 

Actually it’s quite common to dream about Mad Max villains, they inspire a lot of my stories – usually stories from their perspective.

Because I’ve learned in my life, those psychopaths in society, those who people cross the road to avoid, the social out casts that scare people because they are dressed like goth with “I love Satan” t-shirts or who are Hells Angel Harley Davidson types, in my experience, they have the highest morals and the biggest hearts and are hugely misunderstood!

Some are mean and twisted purely because it was their survival mechanism to be that way.  But in reality, they can be very protective and generous people by nature.

I am not suggesting that Mad Max villains are lovely people, but I often wondered what made them that way… how horrible was their lives before the world fell down as it were?

This is not something I am putting into Project AD by the way, this is another project – an adult dystopian – Project AD is a child’s dystopian and is a lot cleaner than my other idea.

As I mentioned in other posts in the past, one of the biggest tropes I love writing are the “descent into madness” tropes.

So yeah, last night in dream time, I was cooking dinner for Tank Girl, Cundalini, Toe Cutter, Gabriel Byrne’s Satan and Lola from Run Lola Run, amongst several others I forgot who!

Oh the throes of a writers mind!

Thanks for reading! 

Emotionally depleted

I’m trying something incredibly counterintuitive right now.

I am suffering in a lot of areas in my life, I am hugely stressed and growing in apathy for almost everything and I am finding it hard to get the get up and go.

I am losing my fight.

So, usually, when under so much tension and uncertainty and sickness, people tell me to rest, take it easy, don’t overthink things, don’t do this and don’t do that and most certainly don’t start anything new – you need to calm down and rest up.

It would be natural to think I am crazy because I am going to do the opposite.

It’s based on an idea by Mel Robbins called “Bluewater”.

She took a glass of water and filled it to the brim and put dirt in the cup, lots of dirt and she mixed it up to show how a person looks when they’re feeling overloaded and stressed out.

She then explained how people then try to deal with each individual problem they have at a time, to try and lessen the load, she did this by demonstrating how people try to spoon out the dirt little by little and over a time, their cup gets emptier and emptier and this emptiness is representing the persons emotional health. 

Over a time, as you’re spooning out the dirt, you are becoming more and more emotionally depleted and burned out and the idea of doing anything becomes so exhausting you just can’t bear to do anything anymore and you lose yourself and you feel that you might never be happy again.

A dangerous situation for anyone!

She said the simplest thing to do at a time like this is to make yourself do something for yourself, something that you think you’d enjoy or if your apathy is so bad, go back to something you once enjoyed – force yourself to have some time in the week to yourself to do it and gradually ease more and more things that you like into your life – make the time to do some self-care and find yourself again!

So she showed what happens when you start adding more water into the dirty cup, it eventually cleans up, not entirely, there will always be a little bit of dirt, but as you add more and more back into your life that you enjoy, that makes you feel like you have some kind of purpose or soul again, your cup is going to get cleaner and cleaner and you will stop feeling so depleted in yourself and you will be stronger and healthier in the long run for it.

I’m trying to force myself right now into going into autopilot and doing some of the things I used to enjoy from the past, whether I am tired or not, whether I feel like it or not, whether I am currently enjoying it or not and no matter how bad the physical pains are in my body – I must do them. 

Because, maybe that’s what I am missing right now?

I’ve been encouraged to take it easy, stop and relax so much over the years that I have come to a virtual stop and any notion of doing anything makes me have this kind of feeling of MEH!

I’ve allowed peoples advice to make me lazy and I don’t like it!

I actually started about a couple of weeks ago.

I started to force myself to read 30 pages of a book again per day, like I used to a year back. 

I am forcing myself to write anything, no matter what it is, whether it intends to be published or not.

I am forcing myself to do some kind of exercise again.

I am practising art at least once every couple of days. 

I am forcing myself to take an interest in thinking about my future again and start planning things and maybe even start thinking about chasing dreams again, because around four years ago I gave them up.

So I am thinking about creating an inspiration or dream board again, I used to be a big fan of those but got out of the habit of it because Paul started pinning his things onto MY board!  He wouldn’t get his own.

I completely forsook any dream because I was convinced I was about to die at any moment!

Along with this I have been trying to remember to do the “High five habit” Mel Robbins also spoke about, but I need more practise with that and I am also trying to remember to count down from five when I am about to go back into a negative habit.

My memory has issues because I have been on survival mode and doing practically nothing with my life for the last eight years, because I have been recovering from bed bound sickness.

I have also had a scare recently.

I know as I am getting older, certain health problems, particularly mental health problems are getting much worse.

I came across a video online purely by accident, I wasn’t looking for anything in particular when I came across a video titled “loneliness is dangerous for your physical health”.

I knew it was dangerous for mental health, but not physical health.

It turns out people who have been isolated or lonely most of their lives have a hugely high risk of developing auto-immunity issues as well as memory loss.  Now that woke me up, because my memory is unreliable and scary at times and I have four different types of auto-immune disease.

Much of the abuse and neglect I had as a child was due to isolation, my mum refusing for me to socialise outside of tight family and friendship circles, even home educating me most of the time!

So I never really had a healthy social life that lasted, it always came in dribs and drabs.

Knowing this and knowing that people who have lived in isolation a lot are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s or dementia before they are 60yrs old, worried me a lot!

They did say though that reversing this can be very quickly done actually and socialising for at least 30 minutes week outside of your home regularly or more can put you back on the right track in not getting that type of dementia, as it’s a specific type apparently.

So there is a lot going on in my life and according to the Bluewater technique there really should be a lot more going on too.

But right now, I am trying to concentrate on solving a mystery in my life and getting my passion for writing back.  Because I haven’t felt passionate about anything for a long time!

Tell a white lie, I have, but then I quickly felt, what’s the point someone will ruin it…

So, yeah, that’s what’s up lately!

Thanks for reading!

Grandma brings the class act

Gulping rats in a den of filth that is the childhood of a barn owl

Beating rats in a den of iniquity that’s the childhood that shouldn’t be allowed

Baying stray dogs in the darkened streets

Better than seeing your brother running from the bobby on his beats

As your mother sways home at nights from her clubbing and her fights

Whilst your father meek and mild takes care of her child, and whispers it’s alright!

Grandma brings the class act and makes you nice and posh

As your mother sits in the corner mouthing it’s all tosh!

Your father sits there tenderly, ignore her, you will hear

As he holds you close to his chest with a love that will endear

As horses are racing on the telly and gran fills your belly

Whilst mother sits and mocks you for turning into jelly

And choking you with her smoke, whilst gran complains it’s bad – get outside in the garden!

My mother shouts its raining are you mad?

Gran says it’s bad for her health!

My mother sits there smugly and says with happy stealth

Take her with you if you are so concerned, it doesn’t bother me!

She gets in the way of my fun – my gran nods and then agrees

She took me home and kept me, for a week or two and this happened regularly

Because of you know who!

And happy I was back then, living with my gran

And when it wasn’t with her, it was with cousins or Aunties June or Jan

I got around a lot when I was very young

Made friends in all sorts of places, where I was bunged

I learned to adapt so readily, to lots of different things

So there was never a song I couldn’t ever sing

That’s how I got to where I am today

In very different places

I’ve changed in many ways

And so I keep on growing

And I keep on learning things

Because I’ve become a butterfly

And I fly on colourful wings

The irony in procrastination

I learned something today which has helped me feel a little less frustrated about myself and accepting the fact that I am not lazy when I have procrastinated in my work, because of something a motivational speaker on Instagram had said.

“When a person goes into procrastination it is the brains coping mechanism, a response to coping with too much emotional trauma and overload”.  I may not have quoted them correctly, but it made me understand why I have procrastinated so long in my work.

Since September 2022 I’ve hardly written a thing towards any novel, because I have undergone a lot of emotional turmoil in my life.  A grief, followed by a diagnosis in my son, followed by erratic behaviours and arguments and a break in a long term relationship – coupled with the emotions I was already trying to tackle of loneliness, recovering from long-term sickness, trying to start foundations for a new routine, career, every aspect of my life I was trying to concentrate on all at once and I got overloaded and emotionally burned out.

This is why I have procrastinated so long, because I was trying to fix too many problems in my life at once, that I ended up exhausting myself on an emotional level and found I lacked the energy to think creatively, because I’m tired.

I’ve tired myself out by overthinking other problems that I did not have the energy to throw myself into the problem solving of make believe problems.

I understand this now and it has taken a huge weight off my shoulders, the weight was the anger that I had become lazy, when in fact I was the opposite.  I was working myself like a slave to do everything and being hard on myself when I failed my personal creative and career goals and dreams. 

I have also sat back and reflected that some of the things I was angry about because I felt I was lazy about them, I had actually accomplished great things but didn’t notice because I was bogged down in over perfecting them or just simply not noticing the progress I had made.

For example, March 2022 I could barely get out of bed and walk downstairs and up just once without having an asthma attack and shaky legs. 

From Easter 2022 I started to do small exercises, forcing myself to do the little things, until they built up.  Well they did build up over a time and I didn’t notice the physical achievements I was able to do.  Now I can walk up and down the stairs five times before feeling shaky.  I can do 70 reps of side reaches before I feel I need a break and for the past week I have been able to start preparing my own meals and even cooked a meal for the whole family the other day!

Things I haven’t been able to do in almost eight years!

But did I praise myself for doing all that?  No!  Because I didn’t notice until I sat back and reflected on the past year.

No more than had I noticed last week that I’ve lost 14 inches around my waist in 2yrs!  14 inches!

I’ve been on a high protein diet and I have cut out a lot of the unhealthy snacks and caffeine I used to drown myself in, not all of them, but most – to the extent my diet is almost unrecognisable from last year! 

Certain aspects of my health have improved immensely, though I still have two major problems which will never go away completely because it’s part of the auto-immunity problem I have. 

I’m reading emails daily, whereas this time last year I used to go three weeks without checking them! 

I’m spending a lot less time on social media too, I spent my whole day on social media last year! 

I’m starting to read more books.

I’ve finished an art class online.

I am halfway through two more free courses, one ran by Mel Robbins. 

I’m posting on my blog more often than not, whereas early last year I could only really post about once a week. 

I’m cutting my nails instead of biting them. 

I am replying to friends and family as soon as they message me instead of taking weeks to get back to them! 

I’ve accomplished more milestones in the past year than I have my whole life and I didn’t notice them!

I was beating myself up for being lazy and yet I was doing so much – the irony!

I also noticed another thing – I felt I didn’t have the energy to write towards my novels and I was journaling my life pretty hard in private for the past two months and guess what?  I noticed all my journal entries about my life amounted to 350k words, 350k in just two months!

I was writing approximately 2k in private journals and 4k on another one which I sometimes share with selected people a day, I say was, I still am.  This is not including the word counts for my blog posts and poetry by the way, I never counted those up! 

I told a friend online about this and I said why can’t I write like that towards my novels?  She asked the same question back at me too!

Yes, why can’t you?  Why can’t you implement changes in your style of writing so that you can do that just to get the first drafts down quickly?  Maybe you are overthinking your first drafts way too much?  You are trying to perfect first drafts immediately because you feel it’s urgent to write your novel, yet you are not writing your novel because of it. 

Irony again!

Once again I may not have quoted her 100% but that was the gist of the conversation.

Using the same method I do for journal writing to write down first drafts would mean that I would get the first drafts of four or six novels down per month that would be amazing if it is as affective as my journal writing is!

However a novel is more than just a first draft, so that was just over optimistic thinking!  But you get me, right? 

I haven’t started implementing this yet, I am talking about it today, because it is today I am trying to start with that, today is the day I am going to change my first draft method.

Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading!

Thoughts & changes

Why have I been so quiet on my blog and in social media for the past few weeks?

The easiest and quickest question to answer of the two is this; I have not been updating my blog regularly, particularly with poetry due to lack of inspiration.

The latter answer is longer;

I have a lot to process in my own mind, I have a lot of habits I need to change and I need to prepare for a major transformation because I am no longer content living the life I have been living for the past thirteen years.

I am trying to heal myself mentally and physically, whilst in the very literal sense fighting against two negative forces in my life tooth and nail daily to maintain any positive outlook whatsoever and I have become exhausted.

I have realised that in recent years I have lost myself and this was a shock and revelation a few months ago, in fact so shocking to me that it practically made my mind numb for a long time whilst I tried to process what the heck happened to me and try to remember how I let it and why?

I realised I was nothing of my former self whatsoever, everything little thing about me had gone and I had been replaced by a sick, bitter, dozy woman who was becoming hateful by the day!

I realised this around a couple of weeks before Easter 2022, but it didn’t really hit me until December 2022.

In December 2022 I realised I had nothing of my former self left in me and no ambition has been realised at all and I needed to work out what happened, when, why, how – I needed to analyse it within an inch of its life.  It’s what I do; I have always been rather over analytical about things and slow to process stuff of scale.

I wanted to start a YouTube channel for March 1^st; this didn’t happen because I had an awful shock.

I recorded my first video and tried to edit it, I had no idea what I was doing and I watched back my video and I realised several things;

The major thing is, I didn’t realise what a mess I look like physically!  My hair, my face, I didn’t even realise until I saw the video I had black puffy circles around my eyes and I looked exhausted and I looked haggard in my opinion.

That bothered me and I thought to myself I need to get a grip on my image pronto.

The other thing that I noticed was, my voice was not my own – my voice had become rather down market for me and I wanted to know – how could I be so lazy in my speech?  It was like I couldn’t be bothered to string a sentence together like how I used to, I also noticed I had this habit that Paul has… I kept throwing my eyes up as though everything irritated me, even though it was a relatively chipper video!

That is a habit I never had before and it shocked me how I appear to be turning into Paul!

I was even pausing in my speech like Paul does; Paul talks like a politician, no, sorry a specific kind of politician – a conservative politician!

When I saw this video, I well and truly wanted to know – what the fuck has happened to me?

I realised another thing.

This house only has two mirrors, one in the bathroom and one in the entry hall and I never look into any of them, because the one in the bathroom is too high for me to see myself properly!

It’s a strange thing upon reflection – why aren’t there more mirrors?

I decided to buy a full length mirror for my bedroom being it is the main place I am in day to day when I am at home.

Paul has not put it up for me and he will not let me use the drill!

But I started to get myself into the habit of looking into the mirror every day and there was slow progress in how I changed for the better!

I was not aware of very many things at all – especially how little I was drinking and maintaining hydration!

I learned I was drinking a quarter glass of water approximately every three hours, which was not good and not getting enough fluids in me day to day.

I also never really thought about how much I was eating, never eating a breakfast and rarely eating a lunch with two to four snack a day and eating half a dinner had become normal to me and that was bad!

I put quite a lot of my energy and health problems down to insomnia and a poor immune system, but it was actually probably more than this.

Every time I got motivation to do something, within minutes I was instantly hit with the notion of “why bother”?  I wanted to know why this became a habit, so I tried to break those habits and keep positive and motivated.

I realised, when I sat back and observed “the why” that the “why bother” idea came about usually after I attempt something, but someone had physically got in my way to prevent it, or had emotionally drained me to the extent I needed to lie down and rest, as they exhausted me.

Between October and December I was quite active on social media and I had several people tell me that they believe Paul sounded toxic – I didn’t trust this observation of theirs, because to me, Paul was the least toxic person I had ever known my whole life and I still stand with that.

But observing things from a neutral stance, I realised that he slowly slipped into becoming a toxic person and it was so slight the changes I didn’t realise it, until it was too late!

I realised why can’t I do such and such around the house?  I am feeling healthier these days, let’s go and do it and see if I have improved my physical fitness after those 5 minute HIITs I’ve been doing since Easter 2022. 

I learned, it had nothing to do with my physical health and everything to do with the fact that Paul would actively prevent me, tell me to sit down, take over what I was doing or would moan so much I got mentally exhausted.

I have tried to discuss things with Paul about giving me more freedom now I am no longer as sick as I used to be and it’s been a battle.

A very real battle!

Along with this, I have been trying to lose weight, buck up my ideas regarding my looks, taking pride in my appearance again (poverty permitting) and acting like I have a life outside these walls, outside of unemployment!

I have no support whatsoever offline from anyone – no cheerleaders, no positive vibes, no nothing, I am completely alone in my transformation and it’s very hard.  Because there is no rest from the negative onslaught I am living with.

I have nobody to talk to about any of this, except for you, reading my blog!

It is amazing to realise that, since I have learned all these things, the suicidal thoughts have alleviated quite a bit.

It’s bought me to a place of action.

I have anxieties which mean I am very co-dependent and I will not go out alone, not because I have social phobia, that’s completely untrue – but because I was trained to feel guilt and shame in having independence as I was growing up and into my late twenties by my mother, who would often become physically violent if I ever left the house without permission, even after the age of eighteen!

Unfortunately some people harness this to their advantage when I live with them.  Paul has never attempted to try and make me independent, not like other exes have.  I truly felt, he left the ball in my court, but I never thought he would allow me to live like this for so long without trying to get me to do things!

In fact the less I do, the happier he appears – he quickly comes under a lot of stress whenever I do anything for myself, even within the house.

None of this was known to me until I went into my deep investigation within myself, about what has happened in my life?

It is taking me a lot to realise that I am going to have to try and somehow retrain my emotional reaction, whenever I try to do something independently like leaving the house to go somewhere alone – so I can remove myself from this negative environment so that I can function and achieve my dreams.

Guilt and shame are hard emotions to control and retrain.

“Shame on you” were regular words out of my mother’s mouth to me, growing up – particularly if I ever did anything independently without permission.

A mother’s job is to nurture, so your child never needs you forever, so that they can grow and they can take care of themselves when you die.  A mother is not meant to hold a child back from their growth, their happiness, and their choices in how to live their life!  That is not the response of a proper mother!

That is the response of someone who is frightened to be alone or disappointed in some way, they are not thinking of their child, they are thinking of themselves or at worst, how best can I make others feel jealous of me, because of my child and how I have moulded them?

Some so-called mothers have no real heart in parenting; some mothers use their children as fashion or status icons.

My mother used me like this once, but then she decided she was too insecure to have me have a life without her, because she was the one who had social phobia and she was the one who was lonely every time I went to school, college or work – so she held me back – because she was lonely.  Because she chose to stay home all day for a few years!

All these things have shown themselves to me over the past few months.

It is these things which have caused me to not concentrate on writing my novels like I want to, or practising my art.

Because I am so focused on healing myself in so many different ways, because I want to live and I want to have a life.

There is so much to think about – then there have been several opportunities that have come my way and I have had to say “no” to some of those opportunities, because I am not ready yet.  Or I believe that those people will not be helpful towards me right now.

I need someone who understands me, connects with me, have been through something similar.  Where they had to change their whole being too, from all the dirt that has been dragged up behind them from childhood!

This person needs me as much as I need them.

Together I am convinced we will transform each other and make each other stronger and happier and we will heal each other and yes, there is someone out there like that for me – because he found me.

In fact, through this very blog.

Right now, we’re both in limbo and we’re not ready to be in each other’s lives as there are things he needs to sort out too, but we both know it won’t be long before we are!

There are certain circumstances that mean we have to wait for each other – but when we’re ready we know things will move quite quickly and I am trying to prepare myself for everything!  Because the change in my life is going to be more than huge!

It’s going to be astronomical and I need to prepare for it on a mental level. 

Emotionally I am raring to go, but mentally I need to adjust and tweak certain things, so I don’t mess up, basically.

I know the guy is reading this, I hope he knows he is the one I am hinting at here and not somebody else.

But there it is.

I’m trying my best to look good, feel good and find my positivity and lightness again, so I don’t ruin our union.

I don’t want to start a new relationship where I am going to be sulky and anxious and feeling fat and frumpy and looking a mess – I want to feel like I deserve it, that I at least made some effort for them.  It’s only right.

Yes, Paul knows about this new guy and he is fully supportive of me leaving him for them, in fact, he hopes that this guy would talk to him about me because he is worried that I may be stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire by leaving him – he needs the reassurance that this person can and will take better care of me than he did. 

They are a top quality guy and I need to try my best to match him, though realistically I can’t with my circumstances, but it doesn’t mean don’t even try, does it?

I have got to look like I have at least made some effort!

When I am in his life I am unsure about the future of this blog, I will admit that.

I am not sure what will happen with it.

Will I be too busy to post daily?

Will I still be able to write for the blog?

I don’t know!

I may need to make it completely professional and delete the unprofessional stuff… I haven’t a clue.

Time will tell.

But I do know on thing, those novels must be written, he is counting on them!

For now, I am still trying to get my shit together!

Thank you for reading!

Nearly two days…

No posts for nearly two days? 

Why?

I had poetry up for scheduling, I wrote them six weeks ago, but they would make some readers feels I am in a bad place again emotionally and so I didn’t post them after all.

I did that because some readers care deeply about me and they would genuinely worry about me if they had seen those poems, thinking that the feelings were current and they are not.

Sorry about that, I have been trying to get around writing new things for the blog but I am a little preoccupied lately and I also have a bad cold and ear infection.

Thanks for reading!

Jellybeans Vs Raisins

Doing my Easter story project is not a good idea when I am trying to throw myself into a healthy lifestyle as it makes me constantly think about candies.

But I have to suffer through it because I really love this story!  I also really want to lose some weight and rediscover my old athletic self again, life is physically boring right now and I have had enough of it!

I’ve been physically bored for eight years.

So here I am dreaming up candy floss, jelly beans and chocolate because of a man who owns a sweet shop and he has supply issues at his most crucial time of the year and I am sitting here on a diet, trying to convince myself that my raisins are a new flavour of jelly bean to sate my appetite as I do so!

Funnily enough it works well and the honey mixed nuts also work a treat, but only at 50g a day that’s my lot, to keep within the diet rules – I am a slow deliberate eater, so it works well for me.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy my stupid enterprises of the future!

Good ratters

I have slowed down a lot writing anything in the past couple of days because I have a cold and a mild (for me) chest infection developing – it could be due to the dust from Monday afternoon’s cleaning exhibition.

I hope it doesn’t get worse, I know it’s the dust because there are a few small hives on me too – dust does this for me, I have a terrible allergy to dust both for breathing and skin irritation.

We need a dog – I know you know I have wanted a dog for a long time now, but now it has got to a point we actually need one!

A Jack Russell please, our neighbour stores flour and grains in their attic/loft and some kind of rodent has eaten its way through our attic and has got into the house – we need a Jackie to deal with the situation, they are good at that, a Jackie or a yorkie will do.

We can afford neither.

I actually know how ratting dogs work, it’s actually far quicker and more humane than any other method, a five second shake and the rodent is dead, can you say the same for poison or traps?

Its times like these I miss Star, Jack and Max – excellent ratting dogs I used to know!

Thanks for reading!

Poetry updates

A few of my poems are hard to digest for sensitive readers, I know.

But, there are times when I write loads of the negative poems to post on here when I am having a huge bout of depression – sometimes on bad days, I can write quite a lot and post them at advanced scheduling.

Sometimes I can write up to twenty of these poems in one day – so sometimes I need to post them spaced out over a time. 

About a week ago I had a huge bout of depression which meant that for eighteen whole days I would appear to be getting bleaker and bleaker, because I was really feeling very dark back then.

So I am trying to write poems which aren’t always depressing on good days to try and break up the bad.

Because I am not always miserable or feeling sorry for myself and that could be hard to believe for some of you.

I know it sounds utterly ridiculous, but, I feel ashamed of myself when I have happy days – because I feel that when I am happy, other people are sad and it’s like I feel guilty about it.  Over the years when I have had a happy moment, its like the people I’ve spent time with has tried to make me feel guilty about it by making sarcastic comments such as…

“Oh, I am glad someone is happy at least, my foot is killing me” blab la bla.

I remember the time when I went for an ESA medical, on my forms it said I had depression – I had a particularly good day that day and I cracked a joke and smiled, the assessor outwardly accused me of lying about my depression and suicidal thoughts because as someone who is depressed and suicidal, we don’t do things like smile and crack jokes apparently.

This marked me down and we lost some of our monthly allowances over it, which in turn, made my depression worse again.

Never mind the fact that I had scratched up my legs and a bald patch because the stress about the humiliation I was going to receive at this medical made me self-harm to a serious degree for three whole weeks before it as I was scared stiff of it!  This was during my worst in 2015.

I’ve stopped the self-harming and hair pulling for a while now.  Which is why I am pissed off that Long Covid caused me to have alopecia, I had finally got my hair nice and even and stopped a nasty habit, only for alopecia to come into my life for a few weeks around Easter 2022.

Whenever I am super scared about something I tend to self-harm, or at least used to.  I used to be a big coward, still am in a lot of ways, but I appear to be getting more courageous as I am getting older.  Terrible coward as a child though.

I remember being hit when I was 9yrs old by a 5yr old child in the street and ran home screaming like I’d broken a leg or something – got much tougher when I was 14yrs old though, as there was a lot of violence in my life between those years.  I never used to hit back until I was 11yrs old for example, I used to just run away and cry and hide in toilets or cupboards etc.

Quite an embarrassment upon reflection!

These days I am quick to react if people hit me, it shocks people because people presume as I am so nice and I don’t seem to be like other traumatised people that I’ve had a cushy life or something – so they think they can slap me across the face and I will stand there stunned or something.  Not me – I go into a scrum like action and make sure they hurt worse than I do! 

Which is why some of my college friends couldn’t believe I became a victim of domestic violence when I left college as they knew I was formidable – but my ex did a huge number on my confidence, ego, pride and vanity and I was knocked off my pedestal – he worked as a team to do that with my mum and aunt on board.

In fact the day he dumped me was because I had enough and I slapped him in front of his Godmother because he hit me in front of her – she immediately called him into a private meeting between him, her and her daughter in the bedroom whilst I made dinner – to find later on that night he drove me to the middle of the countryside and dumped me there to walk to the nearest train station myself luggage in tow at around midnight!

Twenty five minutes’ walk in an isolated country lane full of fields to get to the train station, where no trains would be departing until 6am the following morning, so spent the night on a cold metal seat on the platform in the middle of a cold May night, three days shy of my wedding, which was cancelled.

The saddest part isn’t what happened and how he couldn’t be bothered to take me all the way to the train station – the saddest bit was he gave me a 3ft giant purple rabbit soft toy as a breaking up present and I had to sit sobbing in the train station with this giant thing and carry it on the train in the morning and all through London until I got to my parents’ house again. 

I remember a lovely young man who came over to me and sat with me to talk when I was finally on the train, talking to me because I was crying on the train with this big beastie toy – he thought I was a mother who lost a child and he told me I should throw the toy in the nearest bin rather than take it with me when he found out my story – but I clutched it tight to me and kept it.

However, it wasn’t a proper break up, he kept calling me back to him for a while afterwards and I was always in limbo where I stood with him.

I think Henry acquired the big purple rabbit eventually; I never got rid of it.  I am a softy for soft toys; I have a bunch of them, to this day.

Henry took a few, but I am possessive with others.

Yes, I am forty years old and I still have around twenty soft toys from my childhood with me, and a few newer ones I’ve collected over the years. Big kid, I know!

I have a thing for hand puppets, I have a few of those, but they are in Paul’s room in a big box and I can’t get to them right now.  I have Wiley Coyote, Tweetie Pie and a bunch of different animals.

I can sort of do ventriloquism and I like playing puppets with babies and toddlers.

I have digressed hugely.

I want to say that, when I post depressive poems, I may not actually be depressed at the time it was posted.

In fact today I feel pretty chipper, in fact, I’ve been feeling chipper since Friday.  Lonely, but more relaxed and happy about things, I think things are coming together a little bit.

Things are not so mysterious anymore and things are being explained to me in droplets a bit.

The more I know, the happier I seem to get.

But yes, I am getting happier – curious – confused – but happier nonetheless.

I’m also frustrated because I am eager to exercise as I have a bigger goal to reach for now – but I have a sprained wrist and ankle which is annoying and painful.

My ankle comes and goes since I injured it around 4yrs ago tripping over laundry that got twisted around it, I fell and the ankle kind of snapped to the side a bit but didn’t break, sometimes I am absolutely fine, but other times I would walk and it’s like a hammer hit me to the side of the foot and I start limping at random.  It literally comes and goes and it’s so blooming weird!  Paul believes it a tendon problem.

The foot was x-rayed and it appeared to be fine.

But whatever – I am trying to make my poems more upbeat.  But weirdly enough, since a couple of them have been happy this week I’ve noticed my blog follower numbers have dropped dramatically – I guess nobody likes the idea I am getting happy huh?

I’ve lost around forty followers in three days.

Thank for reading…