Dream home prompt

WordPress prompt today was interesting.

“Write about your dream home”.

My dream home would always have at least one spare bedroom in case anybody ever wanted to stay over.  Not many people do, but I kind of live in hope that someday a relative of mine will want to reconnect and we can have the stay, or whatever.

Before I became sick, I kind of had an open door policy, if you were related to me or you were a friend, you could come and visit whenever you liked and nobody really imposes on me because I am happy to have people around!

I’ve had Paul ask me in the past not to make people too comfortable or they will never leave.

It’s just my nature; I’d adopt the world if I could!

Because of this, I always like to have the biggest room in the house as the kitchen which has a communal soft living space in it and an informal dining area – because I love cooking for people and although I don’t socialise these days, I love to have people over.

I like large gardens both front and back, because I do a lot of home grown fruit and vegetable growing, so I can do big canning projects at the end of the year.  I love autumn/fall because of the harvest season and it’s a good excuse to spend several days in the kitchen making conserves and chutneys etc. for the year ahead.

I’d be a homesteader if I could and if I had the time.

I’d have chickens again to get my own fresh eggs and I love animals anyway, so I’d have a lot of different pets everywhere and a bunch of children and babies too!

There will be lots of soft areas around the house, with lots of cushions and swing chairs – I’d have areas on the floor where we could sit on cushions, because I prefer to sit cross-legged like a guru rather than sitting on a sofa like normal adults.

“Get your feet off the sofa” is commonly said to me, as I will sit cross-legged with my legs under me on the sofa, it’s a bad habit I guess? Especially when I encourage any pet I have to sit up there with me!

I like to both shower and bath and have the choice of that.

I like to have several different sections in my garden for different things.

My dream home would also include an indoor and outdoor swimming pool, because I am a water baby and love swimming a lot and I haven’t done it in years!

I am a bookworm and I have a huge book collection, over a thousand in fact and I want more books, a lot more.  So a library and an office would be essential for me – especially an art studio like a sun room or conservatory.  I really want to throw myself into art and I would love a small area where I can store my musical instruments in a safe, clean way where they won’t get damaged or forgotten!

I always fancied the idea of having a pet room, where indoor pets live, like guinea pigs, house rabbits and hamsters, like a rodent room I suppose, where they have homemade makeshift enclosures and in the garden would be separate areas fully protected from predatory wildlife, so they can go out from time to time.

I know the house sounds huge right now.  But it is a dream home; it doesn’t have to be practical or doable, just a little fantasy!

Henry and I have always wanted a miniature railway going all around the perimeter of the garden with little model villages we’d make together every fifty feet or so. 

I have always wanted a home as well with a brook or river on the edge of the property and a property that backs onto woodlands.

I have often thought about living somewhere similar in landscape to the river Severn as its really beautiful around there, the river banks etc. is lovely.

However much of a nature’s child I am, I will miss being too far away from a bustling city or a large town, I’d like to still be within range of great shopping opportunities and socialising.

I love the woodlands, I love lakes.

I like quirky homes or old homes but I am not too keen on beams everywhere.

I am sort of into Feng shui, so that sometimes needs consideration – but I can work around things.  Living with Paul who won’t help me against this war of the mirrors situation he has and the idea of having two or three small mirrors all close together in order to see a whole reflection has been one of the biggest problems we’ve had between us.

He hasn’t dealt with this yet and won’t let me take the mirrors down myself in fear I’d break them, because you know… I’m such a klutz!

It’s ridiculous as a grown woman I have to either bend over to see my reflection when brushing my teeth or brush my teeth on tip toe because the mirrors cut off from each other at my upper lip!

Very bad Feng Shui, Paul is not too affected, he can see in the top mirror fine, but he has a lot of stomach issues, as do I and as does Henry now he is of similar height to me now!

I wonder why?  Hmm such a big mystery I think not – not if you know your Feng Shui!

I bought a new mirror a few months back so he could take them down – ha-ha still not up yet!  My new full length one isn’t up yet either!

Which explains my last thing for a perfect home – all chores get done when they are needed and nothing is left at minimum 6 months before it’s done, and never left for years upon years half finished by the main maintenance guy of the house!

Oh and lovely healing crystals everywhere almost – especially hanging them in the window for rainbows to flood the room during the day!

Thanks for reading! 

P.S Amazon wish list can be found on my blogroll, someone asked to see it recently.  Thank you! 

Doubtful future

This post has been a long time coming, but I held off thinking that things will improve – but no.  I am shocked by some things I have discovered today.

A lot of things going on behind my back.

I really need to get something off my chest – something heavy. 

If anyone really wants the best for me and to get to know me, please do not contact Paul about anything regarding me unless you are worried something bad has happened, OK?

It really isn’t a good idea, as there seems to be a lot of bitterness coming from him lately.  I know he will read this and I am expecting ramifications for it, but – just needed to get it out there.

The bitterness is affecting even the relationship with my son and my son has told me something recently and let’s just says I was shocked – very shocked, I never thought Paul was capable of saying things like that to anyone!  It’s just getting too tense no for me here! 

I don’t like to put my arguments online with anyone, but Paul is doing it behind my back so I have my side to tell too, but I won’t put it online – not all the nitty gritty like he seems happy to. 

I really do recommend emailing me or privately DM-ing me because I am being watched like a hawk these days. TheTardyCreative@gmail.com

I have no outlet, I have no one who talks to me regularly in private, I have no way in getting things off my hcest and I have no support system whatsoever.  Paul has.

So I am very alone in this and my story is not being heard properly. 

I have no family but Henry. I have a penpal but I can’t rely on her. There are two aunts I talk to from time to time and the only person I could turn to lives too far away to help and is a bit of a zealot. Other people live abroad, one I trust is in rehab.

Also Paul doesn’t have a day job, like he tells people he does!  You can’t take much at face value from him, sorry – now I sound vitriolic, but I live with him, you don’t!

I am in a very stuck and awkward situation, I can’t move out – there are issues as to why, debt being the major factor and health being another. 

I am on very shaky ground right now – I have no security and no outlet and no one to turn to – it’s very serious.

Anything can happen good or bad.  I don’t like being this vulnerable.  But this needs to be said.

I am very frightened on an emotional and a home security level right now – physical safety is assured, but I am very mentally vulnerable right now.

I just can’t see a way out of things at this moment in time.  I never saw Paul as toxic until recently, his behaviour is unwarranted because he is the one who rejected me, not vice versa.  He is being grossly unfair and this is why in the past two or three weeks I have been very open about what is going on between us.

Because I felt, he is getting the bad stuff out there about me, but no one is hearing my side. 

I think he felt too comfortable that he could get rid of me when he wanted, when it fell flat on its face he thought he could just turn back to me like nothing happened.  I would have been glad to have stayed in his life, if he had of been in the open relationship and told her it was open – but he chose to be vanilla with her and dump me.  That’s not forgivable.  Not when we lived together for years under the notion we will be secure with each other for as long as we need each other and potentially life long. 

I tolerated a lot of discomfort for the idea of a good solid and secure relationship for the trust to be broken over a whim of someone he met online but never met off it; Breaking up with me before he even saw the woman physically. 

Am I unreasonable?

I don’t think so.

That hurt me. 

His behaviour has changed dramatically, he talks to me like he is talking to Henry now and he has never sworn before, but he is sometimes losing his cool and starting to throw in the odd cuss now and again.  It’s not a pleasant environment. 

It’s affecting the whole house not just me – nobody can talk to each other much anymore because of the atmosphere.  I am a live and let live type, I plodder on doing what I always do and try to ignore things.  But it’s getting tense here, because he is in a permanent bad mood, throwing his weight around and finding civility awkward.  I am shutting myself in my room because of it, because I feel unwanted and because it’s cold. 

I need a drastic change in my life and fast. 

Thanks for reading.

It’s just not me

I like to be organised and tidy, but if you saw my home you would accuse me of not being honest about that!

The thing is, it’s true – however I am in a constant battle for space and living with people who do not pull their weight around the house.

A large part of my depression is due to the blockages in the house.  What do I mean by blockages?  Large piles of stuff in certain areas, literally blocking my access to books, files, art supplies etc at best it can take me around fifteen minutes to access something I want – I can’t just decide to fetch something and take it away and be immediately productive.  Sometimes the blockages are quite dangerous and have heavy stuff there, so I can’t access thing without inconveniencing Paul in helping me get to them. 

As time is going on, more of these blockages are occurring around the house in more areas that used to be mine and they are blocked by things that are not mine!

A simple idea of getting on the exercise bike needs fifteen minutes of preparation beforehand, because people have used it as a coat, hat and glove stand and used the seat as a place to pile books.

I fight hard to tidy things away, but other blockages means I can’t move some things from one place to another easily without causing another major blockage.  Paul is definitely reverting at a faster pace than usual to his pack rat past, because it is him who is causing these blockages and piles to occur!

Since we have decided to separate he isn’t even trying to stop himself anymore just to keep peace.

He doesn’t care how this affects my productivity in all areas of my life, he doesn’t care how this is actually affecting my independence around the house by accessing things – he just cares about his own convenience of stacking things!

It drives me around the bend, because I am quite OCD and particular about things.

But being the woman of the house, who gets tarred for how it all looks smells, etc?  Not the man I can tell you, not the kids… it’s always the woman’s fault!  That’s just society’s psychology.

If there is a woman in the house, she is the one to blame for how good or bad the house looks inside, she is the cleaner, she is the organiser, she is the one who gets the bad rep for the shittiness if she lives with slobs and happens to be sick!

It’s how I was raised, I was brainwashed by my mother than if I don’t get a handle on Paul quickly, visitors will think I am the dirty cow – I am the lazy woman who allows this to happen and I have to tell you it has always made me paranoid that people will think about me like that!

Because it really is not me!

You know I rebelled a couple of times living here – I actually decided to play them at their own game – throw wrappers on the floor without bothering to pick them up because I got pissed off.  Those wrappers stayed there for days until I got mad enough to literally knock myself out and clean the whole room over an eight hour period, only for the room to look similar a day or two later.

It is normal for people to leave used tissues anywhere they like and throw their wrappers on the floor if it is by the bin, it’s excusable to them – sorry, and for me it isn’t!

Was given the disgusting excuse of how ordinary poor folk live like this – I am sorry but they don’t!

I’ve lived with poorer people than this in the past and they certainly aren’t dirty or messy!

They have their pride, he doesn’t!

The kitchen is fully Paul’s abode, the kitchen is the most disgusting place in the house except for the tops of the units and that is only because I insist in a food preparation area Paul you’ve got to keep it clean!  In the past he didn’t care, I trained that out of him at least!

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because I can’t access my books and art supplies in Paul’s bedroom anymore because he has caused huge blockages – I can’t access half my crystals – I can’t access any art supplies except for a box of sharpies and inks – I can’t access my new laptop – I can’t access the memory files – I can’t get to two thirds of my writing files or my musical instruments – I can’t access the tin food cupboard or the plates if I am hungry when Paul is out – I am finding more and more things out of bounds!

The amount of things I have had I have given away to charity in charity bags of mine over the past few months in order to try and shift things to make room and still there is no more room.  He stacks things differently in a way it takes up more space and I am left in wonder as to how the fuck he managed to do that?

Paul has a very strange incomprehensible phobia of putting up shelves, to make space.  He tells me to put shelves on the walls will make the walls fall down – this is a stone house…

Doesn’t make sense to me!

All I know is, several times this week I have wanted to review previous works done and I can’t find them!  I have also wanted to do some more art, but I can’t access the stuff!

I am going crazy… you have no idea how much at this point right now I actually want to SCREAM!

I really feel like jumping up and down on the spot screaming and screaming and screaming because of it – I want to scream at Paul for it, I want to scream him into action.  But I won’t, because I am passive and I don’t like negativity and whenever I try to assert myself with Paul he screams and usually takes out the mess blame on my son, which in turn starts him screaming and hurting himself and the Paul feels better because everyone feels as shit as he does and he knows that it’s just a screaming match and nothing else will happen.

So he can sit easy for another few weeks until I blow up again!

I don’t leave my bedroom unless to eat anymore.

Around September, I think I gave up. I’ve hardly done anything, because what’s the point? I am using energy without seeing rewards! I vacuumed three days ago and cleared my own personal corner in the living room. But, you can hardly notice now. I saw a banana skin left on the 3 seater that Paul and Henry shares, took 3 hours of nagging to make them throw it away in an actual bin! I’d have done it myself, but there was a pile of junk in front of the sofa where it was and Henry was sitting at the other end blocking access and wouldn’t give me it!

The horrifying things I have found around the house when cleaning I can’t mention, due to humiliation and disgust! One major thing is I have weak lungs and we do have black mould, but Paul won’t help me with it. I cant have my arms above my head for prolonged periods due to black outs and its above the window. Paul just doesn’t care, I sometimes wonder if my depression and apathy is actually a sort of empathic soak and not really my own problems at all. I am like a sponge, I totally absorb the energy around me and reflect it back – when around the wrong people, I become the wrong sot of person, but quickly become a different person around different energies.

That’s me.

That’s life here. 

I hate it.

I hate it so much!

It’s not me to be like that, dirty, apathetic, depressed, giving up – it’s not me at all!

Thanks for reading.

Broken things

This has been bugging me for a while now.  Around once every six to eight months something breaks down in this house – usually Henry’s laptop or power supply.  Since Henry was seven years old it has happened regularly, he will be thirteen in May.

I learned the second time it happened that we should really be strict with how Henry uses his laptop; Paul still hasn’t learned this and is endeavouring yet again to try to afford buying a new power supply for Henry – just so the screaming fits about not having laptop access, stops!

The power supply breaks because Henry is a mindless twiddler, he twiddles on the sofa at the power supply cable mindlessly and ignores us when he is on it.  I told Paul that Henry is on the laptop too much every day, so an hour to maybe an hour and a half should be his limits and the power supply should be plugged in when he isn’t using it!

However Paul lets Henry have the laptop every waking second the boy wants it!  He is on his laptop more than I use mine!  As soon as Henry wakes up in the morning around 7:15am he is on that laptop, spooning his cereal into his mouth whilst playing Roblox until it is required for him to get dressed by 8am to leave the house by 8:20am, often leaving the laptop on to die out whilst he is at school!  To me this is and always has been unacceptable, to Paul it’s convenient.

As soon as he comes home from school at 3:25 he raids the kitchen cupboard for several snacks, plonks himself down in front of his laptop again and mindlessly eats until we say stop, or take the food away, usually with huge tantrums in tow!  He will struggle to get off the thing to come and sit at the dining table for dinner and will rush his food to be back on it ASAP until bedtime! 

The arguments I have had with both Paul and Henry over this and I have exhausted myself, because nobody cares what mama has to say – I’m a nobody here! 

Whenever it is the weekend or Henry isn’t at school he is on the laptop from around 9am when he will usually wake up until his bedtime’s which school is usually around 11pm if there isn’t the next day.  Again to me, this is highly unacceptable!

But for Paul, it’s convenient, because whilst he is on the laptop he is relatively quiet; whilst he is on the laptop he isn’t making messy robots and Lego designs or doing messy art!  Whilst he is on the laptop he is out of the way!

I am always made to feel unreasonable by both Paul and Henry if I were to criticise this routine they have.

I am such an unfair parent who doesn’t want him to have any fun; I just want to take away his freedom and happiness, because I like hurting him apparently.  Henry is allowed to say these things to me when Paul listens on, Paul says nothing other than tell me that he is alright, leave him alone, at least he isn’t getting in the way of the ironing or the cooking etc.

So every six to eight months, Henry gets a new laptop replacement from Paul and we get extra credit debt, because of Henry’s carelessness and Paul’s idea of an easy life!

Just before Christmas our oven broke down, Paul went into credit to get another one, it isn’t paid for yet – then the microwave broke down around ten to twelve days later, that hasn’t been replaced and then the washing machine around two week ago, that hasn’t been replaced yet either – but Henry’s power supply breaks down and Paul breaks into savings to get him a new one immediately – because that’s how much Paul values convenience.

You have no idea how hard it is to keep my mouth shut about all of this!  Time and again it happens; time and again needful things are kicked under the carpet for that boys addiction to computer games!

What is worse is that recently Henry was weighed by the doctor and the doctor told us that Henry is becoming obese!  I saw it, Paul didn’t!

For a year I have been trying to get that boy off his butt to do the exercises he used to love doing – he used to love running in the local field training for marathons and this year he couldn’t be bothered to do his usual annual charity run – which I was disappointed in and he gave up litter picking with the local environmentalists three months ago, purely because he wants more laptop time!

He is even starting to think about giving up his charity clubs that he goes to once every two weeks, because he loses a whole three hours a time away from his precious machine! 

Young Carers will do him well in hard times, he needs their support – but still he is considering giving it up, not worth it you see… he hasn’t the time you see, the club interferes with his plans!  Paul is OK with the boys obsession, I am livid by it!

I have always wanted an active, social family with strong family bonds – instead I get a bunch of bums who hate spending time with each other and often sit in separate rooms!

I am the only one who lifts a finger to actually tidy and clean anything in this house, but when I live with two people who addicted to their machines and don’t give a rats ass about how sick I am and what efforts I’ve put into the house – its hard to maintain.  I spend three hours cleaning one room because it’s excessively messy and dirty, only for the mess to be back all of the next day without any sign I have actually vacuumed the place at all!

You can clearly see my areas in the house, I am very territorial, my areas are spotless and organised the rest of the house is disgusting and sort of represents a junk yard or pack rat house!

The back garden is definitely a junk yard, old washing machines dumped out there with a rotten old sofa and computer desk because we can’t afford to get a skip and the junk man rarely comes this way anymore!

I find the whole thing, the whole house and the attitude of the family very humiliating, I am ashamed of the lot of it and Paul knows, because I’ve broken down in tears during my worst days telling him what I need in order to feel sort of normal again. But he whines like a kid and chants “I know, I know” it’s not like talking to another adult at all and to be totally honest – I don’t think he really does know what I am on about!

The other day, when I had my bout of suicidal thoughts and dark poems, it was such a day!  I told Paul again about how I can’t hack it anymore how I am trying and he snapped at me and said to me – “I do my fair share around the house, I do the cooking, the washing and the ironing” and I said that’s all you actually do though, that and cleaning the rabbit, you do nothing else, the house rots around you and you often forget to check on me or talk to me anymore!  He snapped and swore, he rarely swears “he said fuck it, I won’t do the laundry then, I won’t do anything anymore – I’ve had enough”!  So this is what happens when I ask for help – I get threats like this, that fewer things will get done.

I am afraid these days to ask anything extra of him anymore, because of these big outbursts!

I didn’t ask him to do anything other than to check on me from time to time, as he just doesn’t bother.   Even when I go downstairs to sit there, he will actively ignore me whilst he plays solitaire or a Facebook game. 

I was angry that day because I slept so long – I slept for thirteen hours solid, which is weird for me!  I didn’t wake up until 3:55pm, which is disgusting – but he didn’t once come and check on me to see if I was OK – his excuse was, he was busy hand washing the laundry all day and couldn’t spare the two minutes to check on me as he passed my room on the way to the only toilet in the house that he uses an average of once an hour because he drinks copious amounts of tea all day!

When I used to be very badly sick and bedbound, I was often afraid I’d die in bed and he wouldn’t find out until dinner or bedtime, the only two times per day I can actually guarantee he’ll look for me!

I once rose a concern to Paul how if I ever became paralysed or had a stroke, I’d die of neglect – the horrible thing about it is, he sincerely agreed as he wasn’t sure he could care for me either!

This was a huge wakeup call and this is why whilst I sat in bed several months ago I tried looking for bedbound to fit exercises on YouTube to try and help myself out of it.  But I had to do it in secret, because Paul doesn’t like knowing, I am doing anything out of the ordinary!

This is why my depression has been really bad since September. 

I am well enough now to spend around an hour a day cleaning, sometimes more – but you see I can’t!  Because either Paul gets in the way, or both Paul and Henry kind of leaves a trail of their mess behind me as I move to clean the next thing. 

When Paul suddenly knows I am cleaning a lot, he will (I believe) deliberately stop buying cleaning products to slow me down, as all of a sudden, he can’t find them in store or he had an unexpected bill so the bleach has to wait a week!

Yes, this house can go a whole disgusting week without bleach!

Paul claims he was never like this before I moved in – when I moved in I came with so much extra stuff, so that is why he can’t clean.  But you see it’s a lie, he was a pack rat before I moved in, I remember one of the first things I did when I moved in was to pull up all the carpets because of how thick the grime was in it that the whole carpet was hard like black gum and hundreds of silver fish crawled out as we pulled it up!

I wanted to go back to live with my mother so bad, but I grinned and bared it because I saw freedom and was intoxicated by it!

It took me nearly two years to get this house into a liveable state and remember I got pregnant within the first six weeks of living here, so it was no easy feat!

You have to also take into account, both gardens were severely overgrown and I levelled it all, by myself.

I was so proud by what I had accomplished and within six months of being ill – it’s like I never touched the place!

This is why I struggle to see the Brightside of anything these days, living in poverty with two pure bums.

I can’t really remember what true happiness feels like anymore, true relaxation or comfort, or even love… but then again, did I ever really know what love was?  I kind of had it once… funnily enough with another Paul – not this one, there was another Paul once… but that one let me down.

I kind of new love once I guess!

No doubt I will get an earful if Paul reads this, that’s another thing – he is becoming very watchful of all my online activities lately, which is making me wonder if he is actually jealousy looking for anyone who might show an interest with me.  It’s weird because there was a guy who liked me a few weeks back, but they reckoned someone warned him off.

Didn’t know who, they didn’t either.

Anyway, just a heads up and thanks for reading! 

I apologise

I’m sorry I scared you

I was hurt and I did not have a clue

I was selfish and I was alone

I just want a place to call my home

I didn’t mean to drive you insane

I didn’t mean to make you cry again

I didn’t want to make you feel sad

And I feel so bad for hurting you

I apologise

For the grey skies

I have caused you

I can’t wait!

I step in time

With the dancing mime

Lost in a mirror

Lost in rhyme

Trapped within myself

Hung upon a shelf

Teased by the light

It’s their delight

Broken like a china doll

I cry and cry alone

Nobody to love me

Nobody is home

All I ever wanted

My dream is quite pure

Is to have a love

That will endure

That’s all I’ve ever wanted

That’s all I want for me

But pushed aside forgotten

Is all that came to me

I would gladly throw away

All my songs and rhymes

All my stories and my freedom

For those better times

But locked in sadness I’m alone

And trapped in time I cry

Is it any wonder

I can’t wait till I die?

Sorry if I ruin your day

I had a bout of depression yesterday that was pretty bad because I felt extra lonely.

So I created a lot of really down in the dumps poetry scheduled for today, but as the day moved on I felt happier in myself and so all of those poems are really passé now.

Please don’t worry, I was feeling dramatic – but I keep myself to myself when I am like that and start creating morose poetry and songs, like a sad vampire at a piano… think of The Vampire Lestat at the piano talking to Louis in the 1995 movie Interview with a vampire… it was that kind of creative vibe for me yesterday afternoon!

Hey it got work done didn’t it?

I don’t like to drown people in my sorrows offline and in my home; I like to keep my home and family at a happy place… I suppose then that Pollyanna hasn’t died yet in me, like I said she had a couple of months back!

There is hope for the little dear yet!

Thanks for reading… and I am sorry if I ruin your day with what’s to come!

I know it’s hard… but enjoy it?  *cringe*

My dreams scream

I am driven insane

By the things I know

Little bits of secrets

Of all the world glows

In my mind they fight for space

In my dreams they scream

I can’t escape all the weirdness of dream

I am going mad by the violence of life

The cold hearted people are my vice

I can’t stand doing this alone

I need to be free… I need to go home

Sentimental & very ready!

I am a very sentimental person and this is something that people have tried to get out of me, sentimentality is not respected in the world or rather the societies I was raised in. 

My mother had always tried to force that sort of thing out of me, by forcing me to get rid of a third of my stuff every three months so I never grew attachments to anything!

When a person dies in the family, people have to fight for things like photographs and things of sentimental value, because other members of the family will just get a skip (a hired dumpster) and throw things away – yes – even photos!

What things I had managed to keep over the test of time and hid from my mother, I still have and I know it sounds lame, but I am never getting rid of those things – including the fifteen soft toys I have managed to keep, because it was a huge fight for many years to keep them and I had to be tactical about it!

Over the years I have been gifted small things by people who have since died and I am not happy about leaving things like that behind or throwing them away either and I am paranoid about them breaking when I move out of Paul’s!

I don’t have many things, probably enough to fit in a suitcase or two, but they have a lot of memories for me. 

A little book ornament my grandma bought me with a rose on it for my birthday – that meant a lot to me because, I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead or anything, but my maternal grandma was a known miser and rarely got gifts for anyone – especially something like this, especially something personalised!

So the fact I got a personalised ornament with a gold engraving on it, means a lot to me, because nobody else has ever got such a valuable gift from her before!  I mean, it’s not expensive, but it’s not a simple chocolate box like she normally gave her adult grandchildren, you know?

It tells me that although she was never vocal about how she felt about me, she knew we had a special bond in comparison to everyone else, because she let me live with her a lot as I was growing up and we spent a lot of time together alone and shared the same hobbies!  I was also the only descendant she had who trusted her stories of our ancestry and who would listen to her little quips of gypsy magic etc; whereas everyone else rolled their eyes up and was like “whatever”.

I have some soft toys which mean a lot to me too, unfortunately a couple of them have got lost in the pack rat mess of Pauls here – so I have to try and find them and I hope they are not ruined like a couple of other things have been, which has broken my heart over the years, because Paul has moved somethings of mine temporarily but forgot to put it back!

So, yes, I am transitioning into getting into the mind-set to prepare myself to move out – it won’t be soon – it can’t be for a small number of reasons, but also because I need to start thinking about self-employment on a serious level now, so I can support myself.

I researched online last night with Paul actually about how much I need to try and earn monthly in order to be able to confidently leave him and support myself and I would need £1600 a month if I am to stay within a 3 mile walk of Henry my son, as he won’t be coming with me apparently.

I also will not move out unless I can support a dog in a rentable accommodation that allows a dog that is essential for my sense of personal security!

But for years, before Paul decided he had found someone else, I have not been happy here but just tolerated being here.  I have never been happy about the house environment; Paul has different standards than I do about what constitutes good, clean and tidy living!

Paul has come to realise that the house will be very empty when I move out, because I bought most of the furniture and Paul insists anything I have bought, must go with me – whether I want it or not!

I told him don’t be stupid, you won’t have any chairs, any sofa, any bed – what about Henry, you think I am going to take these things from him?

Sometimes he can be very irrational!

He will only have a dining table set when I leave and a bedframe for himself, if he is going to go that far!

Because I have to admit, a lot of my debt is due to me having to use my credit score in order to buy things we needed to replace as things broke down or became too dangerous to use anymore, because Paul was already in debt before I moved in!

My debt was caused by having to support breakdowns, because he couldn’t and we needed to feed a baby, we needed a new cooker, we needed a new mattress as I was cut to ribbons in the old mattress, Henry needed a bed, we needed a sofa because my mum broke it etc., you get the idea?

I came with 3 boxes of books and there were no bookshelves, so I bought those.

I am certainly taking the rugs with me so Henry goes colder!  Before I moved in there was no rugs on our stone and laminated floor at all, it’s an ice-box in the winter – Paul has always resented the rugs, but we can’t sit in a freezer all winter – especially when Henry sits on the floor all the time!

To say I am looking forward to leaving this house is an understatement!

I will hate the quiet solitude of living alone, because personally, any time I am alone I am in high anxiety and I prefer to be in any company at all, than alone!

It’s very likely no sooner had I paid my first rent, I’d have got into a relationship with someone and got them to move in with me, because I won’t hack living solo!  I just hope they are a decent person, whoever they might be – no one is planned yet!

But I need to start setting up my business and rolling up my sleeves now, because I never realised how much Paul could change in a short space of time and I don’t like it!

I am not comfortable here anymore, we have split up as far as we’re both concerned, so why does he still walk into the bathroom when I am having a bath to take a pee next to me?  That’s acceptable when we was an item, but now I am feeling a little weird about it!

I know I sound stupid, but it just doesn’t sit right with me anymore to do that.

As I am starting to go into a nesting phase mentally… I have started to try and gather things of mine whenever I can and weigh up whether I really want those things or not anymore and I am bagging them for charity.  But it hurts when I find something I love and had meaning to me, be destroyed because it had been thrown amongst the pack rat pile and got damaged, often severely!

I found a doll of mine which had been perfect all these years squashed against a radiator and her face had melted, broke my heart because it was the only proper doll I had outside of Barbie.

I know I sound like a stupid kid, but it still puzzles me how she got out of the bag she was in and thrown all the way over there like that!

Like a pair of kinky boots I had when I used to be involved in the lifestyle (BDSM) as a switch for a short while, as an ex master of mine thought I am a good alpha girl for others, so why not try and train me to be a dominatrix to earn some cash!  I never did that, but he let me keep the boots nonetheless and I loved them, but they were shifted from my boot box out into the utility room by Paul and when the storm damaged the roof the box dissolved and I didn’t know about it until months later, when I found the box had rotted into the boots and the boots were literally glued to the floor of the room like they had melted!

I didn’t know about this and a bunch of other things in the utility room, because the floorboards in the room were cracked, dipped and damaged and Paul banned me from using the room – even though it’s still used as our laundry room – so I never got to see the damage out there until I wanted to clean it up two years ago!

The utility room is our only safe access to the back garden – the other one is a shared entryway that is guarded by our bad neighbour’s ferocious Dalmatian dog, which is untrained and attacks everything – only Paul is stupid enough to use that entryway and twice the dog has caused him an injury, but still he won’t complain!

Be glad to be out of here, I can tell you!

Get to do my gardening again, get to have the safety that the bad neighbour isn’t going to come glaring into our downstairs windows whenever he likes, get to have a clean and tidy home that has fresh air and windows opened regularly!  Get to be able to access the food in the kitchen without twisted my sides as it’s all out of reach… seriously… I can’t wait!

If I had the money tomorrow to get out of here, you won’t have seen me move fast enough, believe me!

So, the 8^th of December my domain name gets renewed, with that I am adding some money to WordPress to update it to a business account to get advertisers to pay me!  I am also going to try and figure out how to use Instagram properly for business and poetry.

I am going to compile several of my old blog post poems into a book to sell on Amazon kindle. 

I am going to look into what I can do to utilise patreon and Pinterest. 

Then I am going to have to figure out alone how to set up my webcam and microphone on my desktop to start a YouTube channel!

Also, I am going to forego treat money for about six weeks to save up for a bulk in art supplies so I can sell my art in different formats on Squarespace. 

Every little helps!

Whilst doing all of that, I will be trying to add two hours a day again to writing my novels as I am not giving up on those either!

Busy, busy, busy, especially as I am trying to get healthier and fitter and exercise and what have you.

If these things haven’t got started by the second week of January then I am just a bum and that’s not acceptable to me!  Because I am no longer bedbound sick anymore! 

Thanks for reading!

Dorothy is acing it!

I am dancing in the winds of change

I hear the storm is coming

Like Dorothy to another world

I hear the spirits drumming

I will be taken up in the clouds

And thrown to a different place

A place where I will feel at home

And it’s going to be ace