Emotionally depleted

I’m trying something incredibly counterintuitive right now.

I am suffering in a lot of areas in my life, I am hugely stressed and growing in apathy for almost everything and I am finding it hard to get the get up and go.

I am losing my fight.

So, usually, when under so much tension and uncertainty and sickness, people tell me to rest, take it easy, don’t overthink things, don’t do this and don’t do that and most certainly don’t start anything new – you need to calm down and rest up.

It would be natural to think I am crazy because I am going to do the opposite.

It’s based on an idea by Mel Robbins called “Bluewater”.

She took a glass of water and filled it to the brim and put dirt in the cup, lots of dirt and she mixed it up to show how a person looks when they’re feeling overloaded and stressed out.

She then explained how people then try to deal with each individual problem they have at a time, to try and lessen the load, she did this by demonstrating how people try to spoon out the dirt little by little and over a time, their cup gets emptier and emptier and this emptiness is representing the persons emotional health. 

Over a time, as you’re spooning out the dirt, you are becoming more and more emotionally depleted and burned out and the idea of doing anything becomes so exhausting you just can’t bear to do anything anymore and you lose yourself and you feel that you might never be happy again.

A dangerous situation for anyone!

She said the simplest thing to do at a time like this is to make yourself do something for yourself, something that you think you’d enjoy or if your apathy is so bad, go back to something you once enjoyed – force yourself to have some time in the week to yourself to do it and gradually ease more and more things that you like into your life – make the time to do some self-care and find yourself again!

So she showed what happens when you start adding more water into the dirty cup, it eventually cleans up, not entirely, there will always be a little bit of dirt, but as you add more and more back into your life that you enjoy, that makes you feel like you have some kind of purpose or soul again, your cup is going to get cleaner and cleaner and you will stop feeling so depleted in yourself and you will be stronger and healthier in the long run for it.

I’m trying to force myself right now into going into autopilot and doing some of the things I used to enjoy from the past, whether I am tired or not, whether I feel like it or not, whether I am currently enjoying it or not and no matter how bad the physical pains are in my body – I must do them. 

Because, maybe that’s what I am missing right now?

I’ve been encouraged to take it easy, stop and relax so much over the years that I have come to a virtual stop and any notion of doing anything makes me have this kind of feeling of MEH!

I’ve allowed peoples advice to make me lazy and I don’t like it!

I actually started about a couple of weeks ago.

I started to force myself to read 30 pages of a book again per day, like I used to a year back. 

I am forcing myself to write anything, no matter what it is, whether it intends to be published or not.

I am forcing myself to do some kind of exercise again.

I am practising art at least once every couple of days. 

I am forcing myself to take an interest in thinking about my future again and start planning things and maybe even start thinking about chasing dreams again, because around four years ago I gave them up.

So I am thinking about creating an inspiration or dream board again, I used to be a big fan of those but got out of the habit of it because Paul started pinning his things onto MY board!  He wouldn’t get his own.

I completely forsook any dream because I was convinced I was about to die at any moment!

Along with this I have been trying to remember to do the “High five habit” Mel Robbins also spoke about, but I need more practise with that and I am also trying to remember to count down from five when I am about to go back into a negative habit.

My memory has issues because I have been on survival mode and doing practically nothing with my life for the last eight years, because I have been recovering from bed bound sickness.

I have also had a scare recently.

I know as I am getting older, certain health problems, particularly mental health problems are getting much worse.

I came across a video online purely by accident, I wasn’t looking for anything in particular when I came across a video titled “loneliness is dangerous for your physical health”.

I knew it was dangerous for mental health, but not physical health.

It turns out people who have been isolated or lonely most of their lives have a hugely high risk of developing auto-immunity issues as well as memory loss.  Now that woke me up, because my memory is unreliable and scary at times and I have four different types of auto-immune disease.

Much of the abuse and neglect I had as a child was due to isolation, my mum refusing for me to socialise outside of tight family and friendship circles, even home educating me most of the time!

So I never really had a healthy social life that lasted, it always came in dribs and drabs.

Knowing this and knowing that people who have lived in isolation a lot are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s or dementia before they are 60yrs old, worried me a lot!

They did say though that reversing this can be very quickly done actually and socialising for at least 30 minutes week outside of your home regularly or more can put you back on the right track in not getting that type of dementia, as it’s a specific type apparently.

So there is a lot going on in my life and according to the Bluewater technique there really should be a lot more going on too.

But right now, I am trying to concentrate on solving a mystery in my life and getting my passion for writing back.  Because I haven’t felt passionate about anything for a long time!

Tell a white lie, I have, but then I quickly felt, what’s the point someone will ruin it…

So, yeah, that’s what’s up lately!

Thanks for reading!

Thoughts & changes

Why have I been so quiet on my blog and in social media for the past few weeks?

The easiest and quickest question to answer of the two is this; I have not been updating my blog regularly, particularly with poetry due to lack of inspiration.

The latter answer is longer;

I have a lot to process in my own mind, I have a lot of habits I need to change and I need to prepare for a major transformation because I am no longer content living the life I have been living for the past thirteen years.

I am trying to heal myself mentally and physically, whilst in the very literal sense fighting against two negative forces in my life tooth and nail daily to maintain any positive outlook whatsoever and I have become exhausted.

I have realised that in recent years I have lost myself and this was a shock and revelation a few months ago, in fact so shocking to me that it practically made my mind numb for a long time whilst I tried to process what the heck happened to me and try to remember how I let it and why?

I realised I was nothing of my former self whatsoever, everything little thing about me had gone and I had been replaced by a sick, bitter, dozy woman who was becoming hateful by the day!

I realised this around a couple of weeks before Easter 2022, but it didn’t really hit me until December 2022.

In December 2022 I realised I had nothing of my former self left in me and no ambition has been realised at all and I needed to work out what happened, when, why, how – I needed to analyse it within an inch of its life.  It’s what I do; I have always been rather over analytical about things and slow to process stuff of scale.

I wanted to start a YouTube channel for March 1^st; this didn’t happen because I had an awful shock.

I recorded my first video and tried to edit it, I had no idea what I was doing and I watched back my video and I realised several things;

The major thing is, I didn’t realise what a mess I look like physically!  My hair, my face, I didn’t even realise until I saw the video I had black puffy circles around my eyes and I looked exhausted and I looked haggard in my opinion.

That bothered me and I thought to myself I need to get a grip on my image pronto.

The other thing that I noticed was, my voice was not my own – my voice had become rather down market for me and I wanted to know – how could I be so lazy in my speech?  It was like I couldn’t be bothered to string a sentence together like how I used to, I also noticed I had this habit that Paul has… I kept throwing my eyes up as though everything irritated me, even though it was a relatively chipper video!

That is a habit I never had before and it shocked me how I appear to be turning into Paul!

I was even pausing in my speech like Paul does; Paul talks like a politician, no, sorry a specific kind of politician – a conservative politician!

When I saw this video, I well and truly wanted to know – what the fuck has happened to me?

I realised another thing.

This house only has two mirrors, one in the bathroom and one in the entry hall and I never look into any of them, because the one in the bathroom is too high for me to see myself properly!

It’s a strange thing upon reflection – why aren’t there more mirrors?

I decided to buy a full length mirror for my bedroom being it is the main place I am in day to day when I am at home.

Paul has not put it up for me and he will not let me use the drill!

But I started to get myself into the habit of looking into the mirror every day and there was slow progress in how I changed for the better!

I was not aware of very many things at all – especially how little I was drinking and maintaining hydration!

I learned I was drinking a quarter glass of water approximately every three hours, which was not good and not getting enough fluids in me day to day.

I also never really thought about how much I was eating, never eating a breakfast and rarely eating a lunch with two to four snack a day and eating half a dinner had become normal to me and that was bad!

I put quite a lot of my energy and health problems down to insomnia and a poor immune system, but it was actually probably more than this.

Every time I got motivation to do something, within minutes I was instantly hit with the notion of “why bother”?  I wanted to know why this became a habit, so I tried to break those habits and keep positive and motivated.

I realised, when I sat back and observed “the why” that the “why bother” idea came about usually after I attempt something, but someone had physically got in my way to prevent it, or had emotionally drained me to the extent I needed to lie down and rest, as they exhausted me.

Between October and December I was quite active on social media and I had several people tell me that they believe Paul sounded toxic – I didn’t trust this observation of theirs, because to me, Paul was the least toxic person I had ever known my whole life and I still stand with that.

But observing things from a neutral stance, I realised that he slowly slipped into becoming a toxic person and it was so slight the changes I didn’t realise it, until it was too late!

I realised why can’t I do such and such around the house?  I am feeling healthier these days, let’s go and do it and see if I have improved my physical fitness after those 5 minute HIITs I’ve been doing since Easter 2022. 

I learned, it had nothing to do with my physical health and everything to do with the fact that Paul would actively prevent me, tell me to sit down, take over what I was doing or would moan so much I got mentally exhausted.

I have tried to discuss things with Paul about giving me more freedom now I am no longer as sick as I used to be and it’s been a battle.

A very real battle!

Along with this, I have been trying to lose weight, buck up my ideas regarding my looks, taking pride in my appearance again (poverty permitting) and acting like I have a life outside these walls, outside of unemployment!

I have no support whatsoever offline from anyone – no cheerleaders, no positive vibes, no nothing, I am completely alone in my transformation and it’s very hard.  Because there is no rest from the negative onslaught I am living with.

I have nobody to talk to about any of this, except for you, reading my blog!

It is amazing to realise that, since I have learned all these things, the suicidal thoughts have alleviated quite a bit.

It’s bought me to a place of action.

I have anxieties which mean I am very co-dependent and I will not go out alone, not because I have social phobia, that’s completely untrue – but because I was trained to feel guilt and shame in having independence as I was growing up and into my late twenties by my mother, who would often become physically violent if I ever left the house without permission, even after the age of eighteen!

Unfortunately some people harness this to their advantage when I live with them.  Paul has never attempted to try and make me independent, not like other exes have.  I truly felt, he left the ball in my court, but I never thought he would allow me to live like this for so long without trying to get me to do things!

In fact the less I do, the happier he appears – he quickly comes under a lot of stress whenever I do anything for myself, even within the house.

None of this was known to me until I went into my deep investigation within myself, about what has happened in my life?

It is taking me a lot to realise that I am going to have to try and somehow retrain my emotional reaction, whenever I try to do something independently like leaving the house to go somewhere alone – so I can remove myself from this negative environment so that I can function and achieve my dreams.

Guilt and shame are hard emotions to control and retrain.

“Shame on you” were regular words out of my mother’s mouth to me, growing up – particularly if I ever did anything independently without permission.

A mother’s job is to nurture, so your child never needs you forever, so that they can grow and they can take care of themselves when you die.  A mother is not meant to hold a child back from their growth, their happiness, and their choices in how to live their life!  That is not the response of a proper mother!

That is the response of someone who is frightened to be alone or disappointed in some way, they are not thinking of their child, they are thinking of themselves or at worst, how best can I make others feel jealous of me, because of my child and how I have moulded them?

Some so-called mothers have no real heart in parenting; some mothers use their children as fashion or status icons.

My mother used me like this once, but then she decided she was too insecure to have me have a life without her, because she was the one who had social phobia and she was the one who was lonely every time I went to school, college or work – so she held me back – because she was lonely.  Because she chose to stay home all day for a few years!

All these things have shown themselves to me over the past few months.

It is these things which have caused me to not concentrate on writing my novels like I want to, or practising my art.

Because I am so focused on healing myself in so many different ways, because I want to live and I want to have a life.

There is so much to think about – then there have been several opportunities that have come my way and I have had to say “no” to some of those opportunities, because I am not ready yet.  Or I believe that those people will not be helpful towards me right now.

I need someone who understands me, connects with me, have been through something similar.  Where they had to change their whole being too, from all the dirt that has been dragged up behind them from childhood!

This person needs me as much as I need them.

Together I am convinced we will transform each other and make each other stronger and happier and we will heal each other and yes, there is someone out there like that for me – because he found me.

In fact, through this very blog.

Right now, we’re both in limbo and we’re not ready to be in each other’s lives as there are things he needs to sort out too, but we both know it won’t be long before we are!

There are certain circumstances that mean we have to wait for each other – but when we’re ready we know things will move quite quickly and I am trying to prepare myself for everything!  Because the change in my life is going to be more than huge!

It’s going to be astronomical and I need to prepare for it on a mental level. 

Emotionally I am raring to go, but mentally I need to adjust and tweak certain things, so I don’t mess up, basically.

I know the guy is reading this, I hope he knows he is the one I am hinting at here and not somebody else.

But there it is.

I’m trying my best to look good, feel good and find my positivity and lightness again, so I don’t ruin our union.

I don’t want to start a new relationship where I am going to be sulky and anxious and feeling fat and frumpy and looking a mess – I want to feel like I deserve it, that I at least made some effort for them.  It’s only right.

Yes, Paul knows about this new guy and he is fully supportive of me leaving him for them, in fact, he hopes that this guy would talk to him about me because he is worried that I may be stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire by leaving him – he needs the reassurance that this person can and will take better care of me than he did. 

They are a top quality guy and I need to try my best to match him, though realistically I can’t with my circumstances, but it doesn’t mean don’t even try, does it?

I have got to look like I have at least made some effort!

When I am in his life I am unsure about the future of this blog, I will admit that.

I am not sure what will happen with it.

Will I be too busy to post daily?

Will I still be able to write for the blog?

I don’t know!

I may need to make it completely professional and delete the unprofessional stuff… I haven’t a clue.

Time will tell.

But I do know on thing, those novels must be written, he is counting on them!

For now, I am still trying to get my shit together!

Thank you for reading!

Raven warrior day

Today I feel like a warrior, the raven warrior I used to be.

I feel like dressing up in my old black clothes and wearing my raven feathered necklace and rethinking about designing that raven feather cloak I have always wanted to make.

I miss my gothic make-up today; I used to be a Goth as a teenager and into my mid-twenties – a big contrast to the semi-kawaii style I like these days.

I was the Gothic Jock type at school, but also sort of nerdy – because I was an A & B grade student mostly and I was teased for it some of the time, though I never flaunted it and tried to conceal my grades wherever possible – because in my family, nobody got grades like that it is a sort of anomaly, a weird thing which I held close to my heart in shame.

My dad and his side of the family was the only people I felt comfortable knowing my grades, because on dad’s side of the family there are teachers and government workers, so education is important to them and it’s not a cause for shame there.

But today, I am the raven warrior again – or at least it’s the first time in years I feel like she’s been awakened again.

At least I do have some black clothes, though no make-up – at least I can sort of feel like my old self again, in part. 

A black lace cami, a long black skirt, a back flowing shrug, black socks though ruined by pink diamonds, but you can’t have everything in this place.  It’s a cheerful day, despite the kind of poetry I am producing and despite looking mournful – to me it’s a brighter day in my heart.

I wonder why the raven spirit in me is so strong today?

I used to be called Raven Mother by some people in the past – sometimes The Raven Warrior – sometimes The Vampire – sometimes the warrior goddess  and I tried to get people to call me Raven but they didn’t do it, because I guess they didn’t like my sense of humour in being known as The Raven Lunatic, haha.

Some people have no sense of fun – in fact most, don’t.

I had lots of interesting nicknames before I moved in with Paul and every ounce of my identity in all of them has gone, you wouldn’t recognise me now from what I used to be.

I may have been abused badly in my past and mostly isolated – but to be honest I did still socialise on my mother’s terms and I did so more often than I do now I live with Paul.  I may have been living day to day scared for my life with violence and unpredictable people and living day to day with loss after loss – but strangely enough, I was happier then than I am now.  I still don’t understand it.

Maybe I was happy because of how many people used to visit?  Maybe I was happier because I was a lot richer back then and never had to wait months between necessary non-food purchases?  Maybe I was happier because I had more personal freedom around the home, even though I had copious amounts of duties and chores to do between them?

I don’t know.

As I said, I am still puzzled by it.

How can someone be so happy in a situation where day to day they are not sure if they would be alive by the end of the day?

Food for thought I guess?

Yet when I was in that situation I was desperate to get away because I was under so much stress, I often had black outs because things got too much for me and I had to constantly make excuses to non-family people about why I can’t be normal, why I can’t just take their invitation on the spur of a moment etc – because there was often a violent backlash if I did.  Not from them or from me, but if my mother found out she’d go nuts and literally hunt the person down.

So the raven took her flight and said “Nevermore” to that situation and came to live with Paul.

Thanks for reading…

Inspiration in the air

Any progress towards any project is good progress in my opinion, even if that progress is only around one paragraph a piece – this is how I am doing things these days!

Today for example, I struggled to get into a creative mind-set, I told you earlier what I did and the results of that – well that wasn’t the full story as after I posted that post other things occurred.

I did a little bit more towards one of my previous projects, the Steampunk 1 project to be precise.  This hadn’t been worked on since Easter 2022 and after I posted my previous post I started to draw up a map of a new area within the story.

I had also had a brainstorm of what happens in the mid-section of the novel, an area I was struggling with for months.

After I did this I had yet another entirely new idea for yet another story and once again it is another horror idea although I would say this is more of a psychological horror than a dark fantasy and no sign of any animal distress in this tale at all, thankfully!

This story will be known as The Hermit Horror story and you’ve guessed it, there is a hermit in the story.

I wrote the synopsis to that already and I know the beginning, middle and end which is unusual for me as it usually takes me months or even years to see all the three sections pieced together appropriately; which got me starting the project immediately and I am halfway through the first chapter already – again, highly unusual for me!

What is concerning is this story reflects quite a lot of my personal life as the main character had a life of isolation and has a similar health problem to me and well… let’s just say I can really identify with her!

So by “How to write” books this book is destined to be a bestseller then?  With any luck, though I am not holding out!

I have also added paragraphs towards the Anthropomorphic Dystopian project too today and I have to say this has meant that today has been my most productive day since September – which is something I didn’t think I would do this morning because of how difficult it was to get into the creative mind-set initially!

I don’t think I have finished yet, yes I am having a break – but technically not because I am still writing… well this post for you right now – so that’s not a true break is it?  But to my brain if feels like one!

I feel poems coming on, so I am going to wrap this post up now and I am pretty sure later on tonight I will do more Project AD snippets as well as Steampunk 1 and even more towards the Hermit Horror… I can feel inspiration in the air!

Thanks for reading!

Isolation & cabin fever

I have a very boring life.

Seriously, since Covid hit the world my life has been boring and extremely isolating!

I have a weak chest, I have asthma, but I have also survived pneumonia four times over the past eight years the second from last bout nearly killed me!

Therefore this has meant I am one of the few thousand vulnerable who is so scared of going out that I haven’t left the house since July 28^th and that was to have a tooth pulled!

I didn’t start going to the library like I said I would at the end of November.

Though I caught Covid19 on Thursday the day before Good Friday 2022, I did pretty well – I wasn’t hospitalised at least and it was around 9 weeks after my first ever Covid vaccine. 

I am sharing this because there are rumours going around that I no longer live with Paul as nobody has seen me in months!  Believe me I am still here, I am just hiding from all the germs!

Because I can’t find a mask that is safe enough to wear whilst having asthma, my asthma is still pretty bad and I don’t breathe very well through my nose because of sinus issues – so it’s really not an option to wear a mask.

I was starting to think about going to a gym and going back to the library weekly starting from January, but now I hear there is an even deadlier new strain coming out of China again and China is opening their international doors again!

So I thought, aw fuck it, why now?  Just as I was about to risk going out at least once a week and without a mask! 

So I am in limbo again and this is part of the reason why my depression hit me hard the other day – I just want a normal life!

I don’t trust the NHS to save my life if I were to get the new strain of Covid – especially as the NHS can’t seem to get me my second dose of Astra Zeneca and they agree with my health issues the other two are a no-go option!  Yes, for nearly ten months I have been waiting for them to contact me about Astra Zeneca for my second shot, I am not fully protected!

The NHS is also struggling to get me a much needed appointed for something else – an overdue appointment, I won’t mention what.  But should it take a year to try and get a simple appointment and still there are none available?  We try every single day in hope of a cancellation, but to no avail and I am in pain whilst waiting!

So we decided to go to the pharmacy and buy the kit to do it ourselves, but when they heard I had a symptom with it, they said, no you really need the hospital to do it… WTF? 

The pharmacist thinks it’s urgent, the NHS doesn’t!

I’m glad I am not any sicker than I was the last time the doctor saw me, because based on what the doctor feared, I could have been dead by now – but that’s really not important apparently!

So because I haven’t worsened in the three months, six months and nine months the doctor contacted me by phone, they are presuming it’s not cancerous.  That’s all I am saying on the matter, yeah so for cancer they are still dragging their heels with appointments.  But that’s not all, I have relatives and friends of relatives tell me that cancer patients are more or less considered the walking dead now as the NHS is bankrupted and cancer diagnoses have a two year waiting list and guess what?  Most people are dead by the time they get checked out!

But right now I don’t care about all of that – I care about getting out and about again!  I can’t go into my own garden thanks to the twat that lives next door and his vicious dog!  I haven’t felt the breeze on my face or wind in my hair or the rays of the sun for months!

Months!

I feel like an indoor caged animal, left in a cold room all alone and forgotten! 

I can do lengthy isolation, my childhood trained me for it, but I have never ever in my entire life gone more than three weeks without leaving the house, before Covid came about and during those times we were always guaranteed at least three to five different visitors per week on average! 

Paul and I are hardly speaking these days without arguing, we get approximately thirty minutes a day to talk now – Henry is too absorbed in whatever he is absorbed in at the time that I generally get less than fifteen minutes with him, other than the house rabbit Ray – I have no one I can verbally talk to anymore and guess what?

I am embarrassed to say, its causing some of my long forgotten speech problems to come back – I stammer occasionally again and my lisp can be caught every now and again, problems I thought I got rid of in college!

Why?

Because I am not talking enough to anyone!

So as crazy as it sounds, I told Paul – you will hear me talking to myself in the bedroom because I need to keep practising my speech, as problems are reoccurring.  So I record myself again, yabbering on to myself in the bedroom like a crazy woman, to try and prevent the speech problems from coming back!

I am talking about everything, doing running commentaries on anything I can see and hilariously I forget to shut up when I am in the company of both Paul and Henry occasionally.  They think I’ve lost the plot and I know they’re right!

So with that being said…

I love you all… I am going round the twist… and I hope I make it to the other side in one piece!

At least I know I can last five months before cabin fever starts setting in!

Thanks for reading!

Who’s energy is this?

Having lived a life of semi-isolation pre-covid, because of life circumstances, I have not developed in a usual manner for other people in society.

My life has effectively been similar to that of a yogi.

Why do I say that? 

Because I have spent a lot of my life in social isolation because of one reason or another and I have always had reflective thoughts on everything that happens to me.  My memory is very good when things happen to me, because they seldom happen to me, if you get my drift?

Religion, philosophy and self-improvement has always been a way of life for me, indeed, it is a lifestyle of sorts.  I am always soul searching, I meditate often though not in the usual manner and I spend a lot of time inside of myself.

This has made me become described by many people as a sensitive and highly empathetic being.

I come from a very spiritual and somewhat occultist background with my grandmother’s gypsy and witch heritage, so I have learned to be open regarding everything and I have inherited my gypsy ancestral ability for clairvoyance.

Not only this but working with angels has always been a major part of my families indoctrination and so I have always worked with my spirit guides or guardian angels as it were on a very close one to one level to such a degree, I do not need to meditate to hear them, like most practitioners do.

Because of all of this, I have become a person to which friends rely on for messages.  Some friends of mine in the past and even my exes have become a little afraid of my abilities because it is my lifestyle.  I never push my beliefs on anyone, but people find it really hard when I am unsurprised by events that have happened in their lives.

Some are so afraid that they feel invaded and have left my life; others kind of try to abuse my ability and constantly try to get more answers to their questions to their lives.

Why am I sharing all of this?

Because I am finding myself socialising more online these days with new people and there are certain people I can feel want to say something “BIG” to me, but I sense they are afraid of rejection.  I think it is only one person; though I can sense seven who have similar intentions to this “main” energy I can feel.

I can tell there are seven new people who want to be a part of my life in a major way, in my opinion there is only the one that connects well to me and what’s so strange about it is, they haven’t made themselves known to me yet.  But my spirits have told me, they know everything that they can about me and it’s not just through my blog either!

This particular person who connects to me really well is definitely American, but there are four Americans amongst the seven.

This particular person is begging for a miracle because there are circumstances in his life, which indicate that they cannot do what a regular guy can do, he has a lot of responsibilities and he is afraid of getting me caught up in it all and becoming stressed.  He is deeply concerned for my mental health and stability.

He is afraid I will reject him, because he feels I am afraid of the challenges he brings with him.

He is afraid that I will feel emotionally neglected because he is a very busy, constantly on the go kind of guy and along with this, he is afraid he might physically exhaust me as well.

I sense a lot of people in his life know about me and is trying to support him through this awkward emotional time for him.

I feel he is afraid that I will not be impressed by him or that I may feel he is a narcissist in some way if he does what he instinctively feels he should, regarding me.

He is afraid that his lifestyle or certain associations within his lifestyle may emotionally harm me in some way.

He is also unsure how I cope with change and he really doesn’t want to stress me out with a huge upheaval, I definitely see him as very caring and nurturing.

He is also afraid that he might be overreacting about me, that maybe when things calm down a little in his life he may not think the way he does about me.  He worries that I have become discovered by him at a vulnerable time in his life – and it is a vulnerable time for him.

But what I can sense about this person is that we are so much in tune with each other.  We have the same needs almost and we are perfectly balanced in that, what he wants from me, I have the ability to be naturally that for him and vice versa – we really do not need to change much of ourselves to be part of each other’s lives.

I do feel that they have hugely underestimated my stamina and endurance, not physically, but emotionally.  Yes, I do feel physically their lifestyle will be very tiring for me for a while, but he has the ability to improve my stamina over time.  But emotionally, we’ll be OK, more than OK in fact.

He is very sensitive and he needs someone who can respect his boundaries and his choices and he is a very private and security oriented person.  Maybe he has been hurt a lot in the past or perhaps he is afraid of being taken advantage of or something along those lines…

I am really good at keeping things to myself, I dislike gossip and I am rather security conscious myself – though I do put myself out there a lot online, but depending on my circumstances I can tighten things up for the right person very quickly.

I can train dogs; dogs make me feel more secure… sorry for going off on a tangent there.

I feel our only issue, if we were to have a relationship with one another is that he will definitely find me a little too childish at times and selfish, but he will endeavour to kind of reign that out of me over a time.  He likes the playfulness and creativity in me, but the over excitement, the squeals and hyperactivity he will feel he has to step in and calm me down a bit.

He does feel that other people’s opinions mean a lot to him, he is very image conscious but he is not shallow, this much I can feel from him and he is living in frustration that people expect him to be shallow for some reason?

I sense his biggest desire with me is to help me experience a life of fun, freedom and happiness.  This is important to him; he wants me to be happy and less tight, it means a lot to him.

He is also afraid that I will reject him because he is a very physical person and somewhat clingy.  I don’t mind this actually because I have been attention starved most of my life, I am actually afraid I would slow his life down because of how demanding I can be with snuggles and mooching around them.  I know I am a very physical person too and I don’t mean sex, though I have to admit my tantric energy is rarely turned off!

Whoever this guy is, my only concerns are… can you cope with a hyperactive squirrel type woman?  Who is always in a snuggle mood, that is super creative and loves to brainstorm her ideas with you all the time.  Can you cope with the idea that she hates contraception for herself personally and wants a large family even though she’s forty?  If you don’t want kids, can you really keep your hands to yourself until you do? 

Do you like dogs?  I need a dog in my life… though I’m sympathetic to allergies.

I prefer suburban areas or areas that have a lot of nature around us, like big gardens and trees lining the streets, if nothing else and local parks…

I have a 12yr old son who will not be coming with me in my new life, as he has already chosen to stay with his father because of his 300yr ancestry in this village – will you think less of me for honouring his choices?

Do you like Mediterranean and Asian food as that’s my main diet? Because my ancestry is predominantly Italian with some Sephardic Jewish and Greek roots too.

Are you easily jealous?  This could be a problem as I am super friendly with the whole world, likely to hug everyone and be super nice and even a little flirty at times, but I am loyal to a fault!

Can you take the reins if necessary as I need a lot of direction and I get anxious when I am involved too much in a passive relationship… basically, do you have the patience with a person who is constantly asking “is this ok” “is that ok”? Or is that going to annoy you, because I know it has bothered many exes in the past.  I am also apologetic as I always feel like I am doing things wrong!

Do you have the patience to help me become the best that I can be as an individual? 

How are you with positive people who try to motivate you and help you?  Do you allow others to help you?  As I am always trying to help people and some people get moody about it, I only need to be told gently – I am OK thank you.

Do you like the outdoors?  I love it!

I don’t sunbathe; drink (unless it’s a special occasion & limit myself to 3) or smoke and I don’t do night life with the ladies, like most women do.  I am more of a lunch in town or an afternoon tea at home or at friends’ homes type.

How snobby are you?  I like thrift stores and markets and antiques.

I have a huge problem with spending loads of money on something I know I can get at a bargain price down the road of the same quality – this was something a couple of my rich exes couldn’t get over and they were snobby about where they got things, regardless of the price.  Which made no sense to me, you know look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves and all that…

Besides I like needlecraft and thrift stores have some nice clothes to touch up and make your own designs with!

I don’t travel light and that is the understatement of the century!

My rabbit Ray means everything to me and if he can’t be part of your life, well… sniff* meanie!

I am a drama queen at times, especially if I feel emotionally neglected and I can sense this is the same for the person I am talking about here.  So that will be interesting… two queens in one home…

But I sense I am the submissive one in this energy.

I am really laying myself out there for an energy I don’t know is going to take the plunge with me… are you actually all energy and hot air with no real intention… or are you going to find your balls and talk to me?

Sorry to be blunt, but the suspense is killing me!

I can feel your energy so much it is distracting – when I try not to hone in on this energy I am seeing some weird signs everywhere that makes me refocus again.

222

444

Snake

Trees

11

Watches/pocket watches

Ibis

Flamingos

Peacocks

Dragonflies

Butterflies

Bubbles

Red with gold in blocks or tiles

Purple with teal usually seen with peacocks and shiny metallic blue and horses?

Crystals – jade in particular

Wheels

Crab

Aries signs

March for some weird reason is important, like 2023 March

A black and white cat

A ruby ring

Rose tinted glasses

Chakra alignments

The kabbalah

Adam & Eve references

Alpha and Omega references

It’s all just weird and I know it’s somehow connected to you… whoever you may be!

Why the blazes does my instinct tell me that when I meet you I am going to want to run away and scream and then come back to you like super calm and cool and like… yeah hi, how are you?

Nobody does that to me!

Who are you?

Really…

Whoever you are, in dream time we have a certain way of knowing if we’re the right people for each other. Its subtle, but we’ll know.

Thanks for reading!

Some clarity on me

There is a problem in my life at the moment;  Paul and I are trying to work out how to handle this together, because things are moving faster than the both of us has planned.

It all has to do with the open-relationship we have.  Paul has found someone else, this means that we are in a predicament about what to do with me?

It’s not simple for us both to part like any other couple would.  Paul is scared this lady might run away from him no sooner had she got to know him more personally and then there is the issue of me.

What’s the issue with me?

I have never recovered properly from PTSD and I have a lot of anxiety issues, self-care issues and I have been struggling with dark suicidal thoughts for a long time.  Paul feels it is positively dangerous for me to live alone, at all!

In his mind, even at the loss of his own new found happiness with another woman, he is not happy about letting me move out unless he knows I am going to be cared for by someone who understands what is happening with me and who can take that on willingly.

Sometimes my mental illness can be so bad that I self-harm, but also my physical health can sometimes leave me zoning out at inappropriate times because it’s the way I manage pain.  I am also not reliable in medicating myself.  I have no mental health medication, it’s all physical.  But still, I forget it.

I am also not known to eat and drink regularly and often needs to be prodded to do so.  Though Paul often forgets the food aspect himself, I only really reliably eat a dinner every day, every other meal is usually skipped or I just snack.

It’s not as simple as just moving me out and Paul won’t have it.  Also Paul has told me, if I found another relationship that is willing to take care of me properly but they then decide that they no longer want me – he wants to just let this be clear, he would have me back here anytime.  Which would put a strain on his new relationship, but Paul feels responsible for me, like a father really.

He kind of adopted me when he helped me get away from my parents and he takes this role very seriously. 

But there is another problem with this.  He also agrees he is not the best person to care for me, because he is so absorbed in other things, he doesn’t have the time to talk to me or snuggle with me like he should.  He has also admitted that he feels quite neglectful towards me, because he is absorbed with caring for Henry and being chair of the governors for the local schools. 

We don’t share a room anymore and only hug each other to say goodnight or goodbye and he has told me that this is not enough for someone like me who has been attention starved most of her life – but he can’t spend more time with me, because he is exhausted with everything else.

I am only just recovering from a long standing sickness which made me bedbound for nearly nine years.  It has only been since Easter that I have been able to move around the house more, do some small exercises and even help a little with chores again.

The notion of just moving away into my own home without anyone living with me is not realistic right now and Paul wouldn’t let me anyway, as its too dangerous for me.

We are also in quite severe poverty, where paying taxi fees to see doctors is an issue.  I should be seeing the doctor very regularly, but we just can’t budget the taxi fares without starving ourselves for it!

So, even if I did find someone online to take me on – they’d have to literally go out on a huge limb to get to me and make so many compromises, that both Paul and I are very uncertain anyone is up for the challenge.

So we see ourselves as pretty much stuck together.

What hurts Paul the most is that this new lady of his, really wants to marry him ASAP and she is so much like a former fiancé he had, that died before they got married, thirty years ago.

Paul is twenty seven years my senior.  I am forty years old now, Paul also worries that if I cannot find a new relationship quite soon, that I may be alone anyway, because he might die of old age whenever and that scares the both of us, because it is likely at this moment in time – if I were to lose Paul tomorrow for example, I am likely to be made to go into a residential home for the mentally vulnerable and my son may spend a temporary time in welfare care, whilst they make arrangements to a distant cousin.

That’s my situation in a nutshell.

However, it’s not that simple again…

There is big interest in me from a handful of men.  I am not leading any of them on as such, just a little friendly flirtation with one or two, but I am not looking seriously.  Because I think nobody would be interested in someone like me… not with the problems I have.

Not genuinely and not in a non-toxic kind of way.

I don’t drive, we don’t have a car, we rely on public transport and we can’t afford to travel outside of our town Rugby in Warwickshire and I don’t have a passport.

When I said in the past posts about my isolation in life, I was being VERY sincere about that.  Until I met Paul, I rarely went out without anybody being with me.  I have always had someone accompany me to places; I have been that badly micromanaged.

I virtually never do anything alone outside the house; the idea is alien to me!  It’s alien to people reading this, but it’s normal to me.

My PTSD has never been treated properly because when I refused medication for mental health, the therapist refused to further management of it.  I am triggered by tiny things; things which can make me zone out and even lose wads of time, black out or panic.

I am not a social phobia person like my mum would make you believe; on the contrary I am quite an extrovert.  I prefer being around large groups of people, I am more anxious in quiet places that are unfamiliar to me or haven’t got anyone familiar in them. 

I am more secure when it is an open space with lots of escape routes, because I have experienced a lot of outside violence too, not just abuse at home, but it has to be filled with lots of people as it makes me feel safer in crowds. 

What I am trying to say is, I am even nervous alone in my own home.  I have always strived to live in places where the idea of being alone will be at its minimum.

A lot of people hate the idea of always having people around them, but for me, it’s what helps me thrive.  I need people.

Also I dislike handling people at the door, I would rather someone else deal with them because new people make me anxious, because again, I have experienced a lot of violence even on my on doorstep with people coming in to attack my mum or brothers! 

I don’t talk on the telephone either because I am deaf, texting is OK, but most people conveniently forget I am deaf, so all telephone calls are taken on my behalf.

Well, that’s me and my situation.

Happy reading and please understand!

Social confusion

A fundamental thing that nobody understands about someone who has been raised in isolation, especially someone like me who didn’t get away from all that until the age of twenty seven is this;

They don’t grasp how difficult it is to understand social cues.

They haven’t experienced being socially isolated to the extent you have no idea about what is socially acceptable, except for the things that they have learned from their oppressors.

That although you have been socially isolated and talk sometimes online to people, you are still clueless about how to interact with people, even there!

You still have your oppressors telling you that emailing a person more than once a week will make you come across as sad and needy, or that they may misread your intentions as flirtation if you talk to them too much!

Though I understand in part that this is untrue, I still haven’t the foggiest about just how much contact with people is acceptable – especially people I hardly know. 

That someone like me is likely to make a lot of major social fuck ups, because she hasn’t learned what is normal to society as a whole, not even online.

So, when I slip up, I expect someone to be open with me about how I have made them feel and guide me – not just walk out of my life because I am strange or I am aloof, I seem disinterested, because that isn’t true at all. 

I remember a time I met my adult nephew in-law for the fourth time ever in his life, he decided to hug me goodbye but I learned that the hug was uncomfortably long and made everyone feel weird.  These simple gestures, I am clueless about!

I believe I have said it before on this blog, that I am really a baby to society and it’s true – though I am forty next month, I still haven’t learned the social basics.  I had just three years’ experience of true social freedom before I became bedbound sick for nine years – I am starting from scratch again now that some of my health is stabilising and it’s scary.  Because nobody understands a woman of forty who has never socialised enough to know what she is doing!

Believe me when I say I read about twelve books at a time, not at the same time, but around the same time, if you get me?  I read a book to ten to thirty pages, then I put it down and pick up another – a majority of these books are self-help books, books about society and culture, body language and how to have conversations with people.

I have learned how to ask open ended questions, either the books are full of shit or the people I have met are more socially awkward than I am, because they just answer with a blunt endings and scoot away a bit from me.

Maybe it’s the type of questions I ask?  I don’t know! 

But I don’t see how talking about the artwork someone is looking at or generally talking about the school (if collecting my child from it) can cause a reaction where someone would scoot away.  It’s not like I am asking “who are you and where do you live”?  So it’s puzzling to me.

I generally wait until people approach me these days, because I am new to all of this.

I am way too open about myself to almost everyone, because I am not ashamed of who I am and I have nothing to hide, but apparently that makes people uncomfortable.  It’s like I can’t win.

But then again, when I don’t talk much, I get the same reaction, again can’t win! 

I genuinely want to know how a person feels, not how tired they are or what the state of their health is like, I want to know if they are happy and comfortable.  I want to know how they feel about the artwork they are looking at, what they really do think about the school that their children go to and just generally ask where locally is best to take the children, maybe there is something I haven’t heard of nearby?  Why do I get the cold shoulder… is it me or is it them?

I reckon it’s me; it has to be me, because I was the one in social isolation for twenty seven years and rose by a narcissistic and a verbally abusive mother.  They have friends around them sometimes, I don’t – so it’s not like they are truly socially awkward, like me.

I bought this up because there are friends online or rather online acquaintances that would be nice to become friends with, however, they talk a lot for an hour or so, then they either never contact me again or it’s a couple of months between.  It’s odd to me.  I’d have imagined once a week a little line, but not regular every day contact.  But sometimes, they decide never to talk again and I can’t help but wonder did I get too personal with them?

I sit back and think; maybe they can’t cope with my changes?  Maybe talking so positively and confidently about myself one day and then the next day being a little anxious about things is something that everyone experiences – but for me, it seems to lose friends at a rapid rate.  I can’t be positive and confident all of the time, I am only human.

I noticed I get more followers when I am confident and no sooner had I had a post where I am anxious I have lost half a dozen or so.

I am not a robot.

I am a person.

Everyone has those days.

I can’t feed other people’s egos all the time, because I have off days too!

If you expect that, then, maybe you have social issues too?

But right now I am in a state of perplexity and this is why I have become relatively quiet on twitter lately.

If I am not being contacted by depressives who are using me as a therapist in DMs, I am being contacted by scammers pretending to celebrities I follow in their little private account messages.

Thing is, one thing that seems to set me apart from the average person in society is that I can smell a scam and a liar a mile off, because my family aren’t entirely honest folk and I know the tricks people play, because as I was growing up my family sort of prepared me in the form of little games and tricks the family did to each other, to keep our minds sharp about society in general. 

I am not very trusting, but when I have been raised in a situation like that, you can understand it!  I’ve had relatives do the nastiest social tricks on me over the years, as what they believe is training, that I never get my hopes up about anything anymore.  I had the joy of life sucked out of me at a very young age, I can’t trust and I can’t feel excited about anything, because I have been trained that it is usually a ruse or that things are easily cancelled.

So there is no point being excited about anything.

There is more than just socialising I have to learn in my life, so much is ingrained though.

My son and Paul gets excited about things and I just sit there, pan faced and nod and say things like “well it would be nice if it were to happen, wouldn’t it”?  They rightfully ask me if I am excited too?  Me being blunt and honest as I am would reply “Yes, I’d like it to happen, but I am not too excited, because you never know…” I am sorry I just can’t help it!

I am not a kill joy really, but there are times when I am cautious about good things that when they are actually in process I am anxious, waiting for people to jump out at me and laugh at me for being such a sad bitch who thought it was all going to be perfect etc.  It’s happened before, its happened a lot!  I find happiness difficult, because there is always someone out to ruin it or make it false, if you understand that?

So, I am a boring person upon reflection.  I don’t like surprises because in the past I have learned that anything with surprise in it is generally going to be unpleasant and humiliating.

Well, that’s all I have to say on the matter, because this post is getting too long.  But I hope you are all starting to get a clearer picture of who I am and why I am this way!

Happy reading! 

Shove me in a box…

“You can’t have and do everything, you’ve got to narrow yourself down”; Have you ever been told that by anyone in the past?

I have endlessly, particularly by Paul – he has constantly lived in fear since we moved in together that I am overdoing everything, stretching myself too thin and he has tried to endorse a cut version of me. Purely because he fears I will burn myself out!

I never realised until now, just how little by little, I have lost myself.  Around seven years ago I became severely depressed and suicidal; I couldn’t find joy in anything anymore.  I didn’t realise until recently, when I have been soul searching just why this might be the case!

Why am I no longer happy?

Why even when I was being badly abused in a toxic parent/child relationship, I was still happier then, in myself, than I am now that I am free?  Because I realised, although I was isolated and abused, I was allowed to have my hobbies and a lot of them!  I was able to skip from this to that and know that the house was always spotlessly organised and nothing needed to be cleared away and cleaned before I could use it.

Although my life with my parents was terrible, I had the environment perfect for creative growth.

My heart and soul sings when I am able to read books at the drop of a hat, write stories and songs and poems and practise any musical instrument.  I could do art and I always had a dog next to me, I was never without a dog when I lived with my parents.

I could sing anywhere from the hours of 9am to 9pm without being hushed, as long as I isolated myself in my room or in the garden to do so.

I could get the exercise I need without clearing the floor and vacuuming first and have the right music to motivate me to finish the work out all the way through!

I could listen to any music and watch any movie I so desired; although I was isolated, threatened, blackmailed and all the rest, I was free to hone my skills and entertain myself however possible, as long as I just don’t go out and as long as it didn’t interfere with chores or whatever my mother wanted from me, which were minimal anyway because my mother had OCD and everything was perfect all of the time around the house.

But here, I don’t have the same freedom.  In my own house, I don’t have that.

There is always a complaint at how loudly I sing, it’s ok to sing, but do you really have to sing opera or songs that reach a high note in jazz?

It’s ok for you to have these musical instruments, but you can’t have your keyboard constantly set up outside of the box, there is no room for it – let me bring it downstairs for you every time you want to use it and wait until we clear the dining table and you can use it there!

It’s ok for you to do your watercolour painting, but we need to clear your art table up as we’ve had lunch on it today, it will only take fifteen minutes and then you need to fetch it all down from boxes from the spare bedroom before you get going on it… is it any wonder half an hour later especially when I’ve had a bad day with my sickness that I decided after all of that nonsense I don’t want to paint anymore?

Especially when there is never any room to store the art to dry and the work ends up with piles of toys on it and lost for several weeks… there is no respect with my efforts. Nobody cares, but me. I have very little personal space and I am made to feel guilty when I fight for it.

I have a 4ft by 4ft corner in the living room with my desktop computer and a chair; I had to fight for that space and to maintain it as tidy as it is like it’s some kind of ongoing battle… and it is!

They can take anything away from me, but not this space!

And they do.

Sometimes I need to pee, but I get hemmed in this corner by fortresses of lego or robots, then they leave the room abandoning me to try and get out of it, because really, they don’t care.  Or they barricade me in this corner with an ironing board and baskets of laundry and I have to wait a few minutes whilst they rescue me out of it, just so I can go to the toilet.

It’s nice he does the laundry, I really appreciate that – but I need space to do the work and I have been struggling for two years now in getting Paul to help me set up the spare room as an office, because I am too weak to move the huge cabinets up there myself to make room for my desk.

The mess is depressing, the lack of freedom to just up and go anywhere in the house is… if you can understand it’s… it’s just… I don’t know.  It makes me want to give up, stay in bed and rot away.

The only place I can absolutely guarantee a clean and tidy place with the freedom to move un-obstructively is between my side of the bed, my side of the bedroom, the upstairs landing and the bathroom; but lately, the bathroom is getting obstructed as Henry is becoming a teenager and floods the floor, so I can no longer trundle from bed to toilet in fleece socks without seeping into a lake and sitting on a toilet with a wet bottom because for some reason or another, Henry doesn’t just wash himself, but the whole room!

Is it any wonder that I sit back and wish to leave?  That I can’t cope anymore with this kind of life?  Because nobody I live with uphold the same quality control of how the house should be as I do?

Because I was stupid to think I could change a hoarder.

“We’re not obsessed with everything like you are” is the response I get when I complain.  “We don’t have time, we’re tired, we can’t help it” is always the excuse I get and I am drained by the whining and then I don’t want to create – I just want to sink back in bed and hope that I do actually die of whatever is making me sick! It’s probably the black mould, I never had asthma before I moved in here!

I was offered a free writers retreat holiday the other week, I refused to go because I was genuinely afraid that if I went, I’d enjoy the freedom too much and won’t want to come home again.

I am a musician as much as I am a writer, I am a composer and lyricist, I am an artist and photographer – but I can only be a writer whilst I live here, there isn’t any room for the other stuff and I miss my piano and keyboard so much, the glockenspiel, recorder and kalimba are available easily, but the house has eaten my harmonica and portable electronic drum!

Oh I still have it, it’s upstairs in a box, but I can’t get to it, it’s barricaded behind loads of boxes of things we never use and I can’t carry it downstairs to use it, without thirty minutes of tidying up first and then there is the issue that I am disturbing someone.  Or that “they” want to play my keyboard too as though it’s some kind of novelty game;

I am thrilled in particular that Henry has an interest in playing the keyboard, though he never practises, but why is it always when I only just bring it down for me after months of not seeing it? 

Maybe I am just a selfish asshole, but I can’t help feel I am being boxed as much as the junk in the spare room is!

Sometimes I feel I am in the way, that if they could, they would, shove me in a box and put me out of the way.

How I miss my music.

I need to find a way out of all of this, before I grow old and bitter and become a mega bitch; it’s slowly happening, I used to be happy for everyone, never a glum thought crossed my mind – but lately, I am getting envious and I am starting to turn green and have ugly thoughts about things.

I feel like I am losing my soul!

Happy reading everyone!

Songs that seem written for me

Ten songs that match my personality or feel like they were written by someone who knows me and below them explanations of why I think this, also a huge insight to me as a person! 

1. The lady is a tramp especially the Lady Gaga and Tony Bennet version!
2. Pain by Three days grace
3. It can’t rain all the time by Jane Siberry
4. Crush Em by Megadeath
5. Champion by Three days grace
6. Smile by Nat King Cole
7. Dollhouse by Melanie Martinez
8. Rose Garden by Lynn Anderson
9. Touch-a-touch-a-touch me from Rocky Horror Picture Show
10. Cry little sister by Gerard McMahon

The Lady is a tramp;

This song connects well to me because I will eat a couple of hours before a meal out, as I can never guarantee whether or not the meal will be enough… you know nouveau cuisine and all that – if I am hungry, I hate waiting around for food!  So to be polite, I tend to eat a little before I go anywhere! 

I won’t ever wear real fur, I hate the cruelty of it, though it’s pretty I tend to wear faux versions a lot and have a lot of faux blankets around the house.  Though I happen to like pearls, so that part doesn’t connect! 

One thing I can’t stand is gossiping with other women, it’s not my thing, hence why most of my friends tend to be men.

I don’t really like to make myself up too much to impress others if that means I have to be uncomfortable, but I do like to look impressive generally.  Clothing must always be comfortable or else I would rather go naked and being someone who isn’t an exhibitionist, that’s something I won’t do!

I like being fashionable though and I do like showing off a bit, I am a bit of a peacock – I think this is why I love Lady Gaga, I see a lot of me in her!

Pain by three days grace;

There was a time that I became afraid that I would never feel again.  My post-traumatic stress syndrome got so bad I became what they call Non-comprimentos, I don’t know if I spelled that right I tried to google it, but found nothing.  I wouldn’t speak and hardly ate for nearly a year, I became numb to everything.  Conscious, unlike people think I was, but numb.  I didn’t want to react, I didn’t want to speak, I didn’t feel a thing.  It’s a scary place, it’s like I gave up and didn’t die, but I was supposed to, if that makes sense?

It took a long while for me to get out of being such a poker face, so pan faced and unemotional, a very long while.  I wouldn’t smile for nearly four years and when I did smile it was at the irony that people were trying to save my life (due to mastoid infection) and all I really wanted to do was die; but I smiled because of the darkness of it all.

What happened?

I was a huge wrestling fan; in particular I loved The Undertaker.  I was afraid of becoming brain damaged due to the surgery and my mother came into the operating theatre to help settle me down for the injection which would put me to sleep – her comforting words came out without realising what she had said until she saw the horror on the anaesthetists face.  “Don’t worry, just think about The Undertaker” she said, smiling down at me.

I didn’t just smile for the first time in years; I full out laughed and then had to explain to the nurses around me that my mother isn’t mental, it’s my favorite wrestler!

But after that time, I did decide that if things hurt me, I’d rather feel it than be numb.  Strange I know, but if you have been there yourselves, you’d understand the loss and the loneliness of it all.

I soon developed into transferring that to physical pain rather than emotional after a while and entered the dark phases of self-harming, it helped me to cope and though the scars I have are bad, they make me feel like a warrior.

It can’t rain all the time;

That’s kind of my motto nowadays; there is always sunshine through the rain or after it, though the bursts of sunshine in my life are usually short, it’s best not to take them for granted and to recognise them when they are around.  It’s easy to forget the light side of life to the extent it becomes alien at times and you can often miss them!

Crush Em;

At times I feel like life is a war, you have to fight for who you are and what you stand for, because so many people want to change you or destroy you.

I used to submit a lot, but as I grew and suffered so much, I decided that if I am going to suffer, I am going to suffer in order to stay true to myself because living a lie hurts me more than I can bear!

I was suffering either way, really.  So it’s best to suffer to your own painful tune than somebody else’s.

I’ve had so much of other people thinking that other people’s lives are their business, their personality, likes and dislikes have to be critique within an inch of their lives to the extent I’ve had enough! 

I say and do what I want, but I am always ready to roll my sleeves up and start to fight and often times that leads me to gas lighting the other person, because I am not determined to just say my piece, I am determined that they can absolutely be themselves and they can absolutely hate me for being myself – but they absolutely cannot try to change me and I absolutely cannot try to change them, only enlighten them to the fact that all forms of hate is evil! 

My intention when I am in an argument is to shed light on the fact that it is ok to love and hate, as long as you accept each other’s differences and learn to live in peace.  If the other person isn’t being peaceful and won’t leave me alone after I suggest we agree to disagree, then they have to be prepared that I will defend myself anyway possible and that it could lead to problems.

Champion;

I have fought so hard to be where I am and who I am I have been dragged up and beaten up and bruised and battered in so many ways, not just physically – it is hard not to become something formidable after it all.

I have learned that the harshest of words and the hardest of beatings can make you stronger and in doing so, it can make a person become so strong that they develop into something that their haters and abusers can no longer fight – a true champion!

When a person tries to destroy another, it makes them feel strong when in fact they are weak.  Some people allow themselves to be destroyed, others learn to get back up and fight and I am one of the fighters.  Very little can intimidate me these days and I do not shy from throwing myself in front of others weaker than me, to take the hits!

Because I know I can cope and I can see that the world is full of weakness and it needs a champion sometimes!

I have a deep fire in me to teach the world, but also shield the weak from it.

I have even learned not to hide my tears anymore, I am no longer ashamed of them – though people may read that as a sign of a broken weak person, for me, it’s a sign that they’ve hit a nerve and with love I will show them what they’re doing, but carry on, I may feel pressured to fuel my fire.  I never say things lightly and I am a compassionate teacher, who gives other people time to think before I react!

But as they say, you can’t always help the stubborn.

Smile;

It took me a long while to get my emotions back; it took even longer for me to learn to put a mask on my face for the sake of the others who are much weaker or disadvantaged than me. 

I learned that the world definitely needs a champion, it needs compassion and love and tenderness and I leaned that it starts with me, my actions, my love, my care; yes don’t take on other people’s problems for your own, because it won’t help them in the long run, but you can hold their hand and give kind words to make them feel a little stronger in their battles.

It starts with a smile, then listening, then trying to understand and then holding their hands whilst championing them along the way, but never, ever let their battles become your own.  Stand back and let them do it for themselves, whilst quietly nodding and smile, you’ve done it little champ!

When I laugh at some people who try to do me down, it’s not mockery, its irony.  They are trying to be strong by showing the biggest weakness they have.  But I am delicate, I don’t laugh in their face, that’s not compassionate, my laugh is a smile and a small ha, I try to be amicable amongst the discord.

Dollhouse;

I really resonate with this lyrical line “I see things that nobody else sees”, for two reasons, one is that I am clairvoyant and clairsentient, the other is that I have seen the true faces of various people behind closed doors and I know the truth about a lot of things – many things, big, but they will never be exposed.

My life is like the twilight zone at times, but enough of that.

I often felt played like a doll in the past by other people who were always changing my shape and my form and personality to suit them and they isolated me in a little house most of the time.

A particular person in my life played me like a doll so much that it was almost like I was her ventriloquist dummy and her hand was up my arse even controlling what I said.  I didn’t realise until I went to a psychologist in 2012 that she used a lot of NLP against me, with little subtleties that made me behave a certain way – they made references to the Pavlov experiments in how she raised me.   If you are not familiar with these experiments here is a link. https://www.simplypsychology.org/pavlov.html

Like most paradoxes in my life, it is the very thing that hurt me to begin with that is helping me to heal.

Rose Garden;

I could never get over the fact that people want to be in relationships with people who accept their baggage and everything is going to be perfect, when the going gets tough, they leave each other!  I never understood this.

Love needs work and compassion, it’s not a given, you can’t just waltz into someone’s life and expect a picture perfect romance, because things like that may happen to some, but it never really lasts.  Love needs time and work. 

Most of my best relationships happened through friendship first and I know it sounds weird, but a long conversation over two or three picnics about what each other wants from life and each other and then almost like a handshake and business proposal we get together.

You have to lay your entire self on the table in front of them, reveal all; dark and light – then you make a decision on whether you are suited together or not.  Do you have the same life goals?  You see how many compromises you are willing to make with each other and if the BIG things don’t match, don’t go there, don’t choose them and start the process over again with someone else – life is too short to be unhappy with someone you live with!

When someone develops an issue with me it is usually because they were not honest in the conversations leading up to the relationship, because they wanted to tell me what I wanted to hear, rather than stay true to themselves!

You must never do this, because you can’t mould everyone!

So I always remind people, I am sorry but did I promise this to you initially?  It’s hard and I know I sound like a bitch, but I am only trying to save hearts from being broken in the long run, because I have a terrible guilt conscious.

You’d be surprised actually how many people hate people being so open like this.  But I feel it’s essential; you could be spending your life together some day – what have you got to hide?

I sound dominant but I really am not.  This is something that shocks people when they get to know what I want from life, because I seem so assertive off the bat – but that’s the point.  It’s to show each other your boundaries so you can live happily together.  I am not a huge feminist, I do believe women can save themselves and they can do many things, but I am super traditional and submissive in my best relationships that most feminists don’t find someone like me acceptable!

It’s a contrast I know, but as I said – it’s vital to be open with people.

Be strong enough to say “I need this, and I need that” and “don’t engage me with this, or that”, it’s important.

I welcome you to my garden, but I didn’t offer you constant sunshine, a perfect lawn and neat borders, I have brambles in there, some nettles for the playful butterflies and some beautiful thorny roses!

Touch-a-touch-a-touch me;

Self-explanatory really; I have been isolated most of my life that I get thrilled when people want to get close to me, even more so when touched.  I have been touch starved most of my life.  Though I can’t be called a slut as my life experience hasn’t reflected my inner most thoughts and feelings, I have the mind of one though.

I am not ashamed to admit it either.  I love being touched, I crave it, but I only desire it from certain people I feel are worthy!

This is not an invitation for anyone to come and touch me without asking first, but it is an invitation to ask if you could get close to me – I don’t mean to sound threatening but I will deck those who take advantage!

I am also very much proud to be considered a creature of the night, because my life has been filled with darkness and in darkness I found my strength, the light weakened me.  I am dark and to many people I resent to say, I am dirty – though I see it as cheekily playful and clean fun!  Dirty is a bad word when it is pertaining to fun pursuits and I don’t like hearing it!

To me the most sacred thing in life is sex, the meaning of life is sex and we should have more of it in our lives and we should spread the love ashamedly!

Cry little sister;

I have always wanted to spread love around the world and make it more acceptable and available to people I come across; I wish that the world was a more open place, a place where people are not afraid to be who they are and do what makes them happy without judgement.

I’ve always hated the lack of love in this world, particularly the kind where you can be free to touch the hand or a knee of a person in order to comfort them, without all this fear that surround’s physical contact with people.

I’ve never found it a healthy aspect of society, though I do appreciate the fact that it protects people from being touched by people they don’t invite into their lives.  I remember a time where I had to get the police involved because of a stalker who readily kept touching me up and I didn’t invite that.  But generally, when you know someone that is beyond a mere acquaintance, why is it still shunned?

I have seen pained expressions in male friends eyes when they see me crying and you know they want to put their arm around you and comfort you, but they are afraid of so many things if they do that.  Will I misinterpret this as a romantic interest?  Will his girlfriend misinterpret it as having an affair?  Will I take him to court for it?  So many things, so I sit there crying more or less alone, when all I want is the extra courage by having someone hold me tight; I wouldn’t care who it is, if they are nice and won’t take advantage of it further.  But most won’t even try.

A gentle touch can spark a healing energy and break the cycle of loneliness, breaking chains that bound us.

Happy reading all!