The bliss that once was

Have you forgotten how to laugh?

How words fell out of mouths to bring joy not discontent

For the want of a light hearted time and prosperity

To throw away the darkness of a day and just forget

When did we lose our sense of humour?

When once we frivolously bantered in the want of fun

And nobody took it seriously, the words, mere words spoken by a jester because of sardonic irony

Never any real malice was its intent

And the sun shone bright back then, for we people forgave the attempt to alleviate

When did we all deviate from the light of the world?

When did our blood run cold to jocund distractions and bent ourselves up in anger and bitterness?

When will time show us what we have lost in pleasure?

Cautious to laugh as sacred joy has become a sin

It’s no use now, use it or lose it and we are nearly lost

Lost in the darkness, fearful to inject blithe reflections of the human state

Swamped in the sensitive depressions of those who have strayed from their souls too long

And together we will all stand in the shadows of our former selves

Unthinking, unfeeling and silent

Soon to forget the bliss that once was

I can sense your every movement

You have come so far, I am proud of you

All the things you’ve done, all the things you do

Your heart is dedicated and kind

You are beautiful inside and outside your mind

I cherish all you’ve done for me

In your attempt to make me happy and be free

Though it’s been a while now

I know the time is near

And I can sense you through your joy

You no longer have fear

I appreciate what you’ve done for me

Though you probably cannot tell

I can sense your every movement, like I’m under a spell

Written 4:54pm 22nd February.

Good Morning

A good morning kiss

A sweet hello

A warm loving hug to make you glow

I wish you joy and goodwill

I hope today you’ll have a thrill

I hope you smile and I hope you laugh

May all your movements be a happy choreograph

Don’t give up, just carry on

And someday you’ll sing a happy song

For I am with you in everyway

And I will love you every day!

So stretch your limbs and get out of bed

And put some positivity in your head

For today is the day where you start anew

And as always I am rooting for you!

It’s a con

My heart breaks daily, that I’m alive

I wake and everything is the same

I’m going demented with the sameness

It’s all a drain

The things I want – unreachable

The love and the joy is gone

People say that life is great

I say it’s a con

What is winter?

What does winter mean to me?

Cool crispy frosty mornings, where cobwebs are frozen solid, glistening in the morning sunlight forming prisms on the snow.

I’m like a dragon breathing smoke because my breath is hot in comparison to the air around me and I am snug and warm in fleece from head to toe.

I get to throw snowballs at my favourite people in jest and run after each other in tension that we might slip and fall down; if we’re lucky it will be powdery snow this year, not the sludgy wet kind.

Winter means lots of lovely filling hot meals, beef stew, chili, roast dinners, soups – all my favourite comfort foods and it’s plum season to boot!

Morning walks are more of a pleasure because of the icy beauty around us from the night before; everywhere has newly made crystals which shine like rainbows if you look at them the right way.  Skinny dogs are uncomfortable and need a coat, fatter ones are eager to stay indoors – but get the right dog and it is a heavenly time of year to go for a walk!

Just at the end of winter is the time where I start to think about the garden for the coming year, sometimes prepping seeds before spring in the greenhouse already, to give me a few weeks head start in comparison to other people, therefore a longer harvest time.

It’s a spicy season, it’s a sweet treat and high fat season – it’s not the season for diets!

It’s the season for hot water bottles and fleece blankets and cosy snuggles by the fireplace.

It’s not the season for cold desserts; it’s the season for cherry pie, French toast and peach crumble all washed down in hot chocolate, ginger or hot apple spiced tea.

Poinsettias around the house welcoming in Christmas with holly and ivy and red roses!

The house sparkles in the joyous illuminations of the season of celebration, hope, renewal and promise.

Families and neighbours come together to sing, to dance, to pray, to forget the badness of the past year and to give thanks, gifts, charity and love.

It may be the end of the year, the harbinger of death all around us as nature is laid bare – but it is really the busiest time for creation, planning and new beginnings.

That’s what winter means to me – it means hope – it means a new start!

Thanks for reading!

Blessed stinging eyes

My eyes are stinging with the breaking of my heart

All joy is vacant here

The shadows are inviting me to a party

But I decline

The light offers me its blessings

But I deny

I am OK in this state

For in this state I am learning

I don’t always know what my lesson is

But to me

To me I will learn in any case

Eventually…

I don’t wallow in self-pity and sadness

To me everything is education

Although I am swallowed up by tears, I feel blessed

I have a blessed life

Things could be much worse than this

Gratitude goes a long way

Even if you don’t enjoy what it is you have

At least things are not worse than this

That is why I am blessed

100 things of joy

This post exists because I am trying very hard to buck myself up, heal myself mentally and find a purpose in life other than just what other people tell me my purpose is.

Since becoming bedbound and housebound sick around eight or nine years ago, I slowly fell into a depression that lead to suicidal thoughts and I forgot how to feel happy; even certain hobbies I used to love, no longer bought me joy and because of lack of space and money, those things diminished more and more to the point that I no longer had a way in feeling even the slightest bit of joy.

A majority of the things that bought me happiness was physical activity, I love sport, I love exercise, but my illness made me slow down to the point of stagnation.

Slowly I am rebuilding my health, I have a new diet which is helping me get there halfway but I am out of practise in moving my body in general and so I am starting the slow process to get my mobility back – it’s going to take months, if not a couple of years to get to the level I would like!

I have been watching a lot of Mel Robbins videos lately, instead of honing my writing skills and learning about graphic novels like I said I was going to; because I felt I couldn’t market myself or do things confidently unless I was actually feeling confident and capable.  Mel Robbin’s videos on YouTube are helping me find my capabilities in baby steps.

One of the things was to learn to find ten things that bring me joy or excitement and try to do three of them about once a week each; instead I decided I like a lot more variety so I spent three hours last night just sitting down thinking about one hundred things that bring me joy, happiness and excitement and wrote them down, with the goal of trying to do three a week.

Although Paul was disappointed I didn’t add any word count to any of my current projects whilst I did this, he did agree that this list needed to exist too and that my mental health is just as important as my writing, if not more so!

So here is my list, unfortunately many of the below cannot be done until either finances improve for me to travel, get a dog or get the fitness level I need to do them, but there are plenty things in my list that work well for a sedentary impoverished life, it was just my task to try and find them!

Now these things below really do make me happy, relaxed, confident, excited and I can spend hours doing any of these activities below – ironically you won’t find much about writing down there, because I lost my joy of writing a few years back and I have been trying very hard to get it back!

Writing is literally a job now, or it will be once I start getting paid for it, but it is not something I would say brings me joy these days and I know why!  Writing bought me joy when I was brainstorming my ideas with friends and family, but there is no one available to me in recent years to do that with other than Paul and Paul lacks the enthusiasm I used to get from people of my past.

An asterisk in the list means there is an obstacle for me at the moment for the thing I wrote down. 

Some of the things with asterisks are things I used to do before there were obstacles and I miss them.

So let’s show you the list…

1. Writing vampire stories even though the world hates them! One of the major reasons why I don’t get much other writing done in my other genres and projects, spending too much time with my vampires.
2. Gardening * I have a really obnoxious neighbour who is abusive so I don’t do it anymore
3. Reading in the garden on a swing hammock or by a pond *same as above
4. Playing with dogs and training them * don’t have a dog anymore but working on getting one when finances improve
5. Painting
6. Carboot sales * can’t travel to them, they are out of a bus route
7. Watching vampire, demon and mafia movies
8. Watching aquarium or pond fish * don’t have either of those things yet
9. Cooking for people * Paul worries too much about me not coping that I find it difficult to cook without interference, we argue about it frequently
10. Board and card games with 3+ people
11. Drama classes and amateur theatre * at the moment there are other things I need to work on before taking this hobby back up again!
12. Practising musical instruments
13. Shopping * finances need improvement can even be daring with an extra £2.50 these days! 
14. Visiting libraries
15. Visiting garden centres * none within a bus ride even if I just window shopped
16. Going to parks, gardens and woods
17. Going to museums * none in bus ride I haven’t exhausted
18. Brainstorming my creative ideas with a group * don’t have a trustworthy group again yet
19. Swimming  & diving * can’t afford the fee for the local centre
20. Doing tarot readings for people
21. Having picnics
22. Rowing on lakes * no rowing lakes nearby, no one to row with and I can’t be the only rower, because sometimes my carpal tunnel syndrome or my arthritis flares up, my arthritis is worse in my left shoulder than anywhere else! 
23. Rock pooling * nowhere local to my knowledge to do it
24. Playing with sand
25. Painting stones and pebbles
26. Making prisms
27. Watching horse racing * no one likes to do this with me yet
28. Watching cruft’s and other dog sport events
29. Watching gymnastics
30. Watching rugby
31. Watching wrestling * can’t afford subscription tv to see them and it’s on too late here in the UK so often miss it
32. Halloween preparations and parties
33. Firework displays and parties
34. BBQ parties
35. Going to the Severn Valley steam railway * finances need improvement
36. Whipsnade zoo & picnics * can’t get there easily and I like large picnics with lots of people
37. Zip wires – the longer the better!
38. Trampolining * need more fitness first
39. Netball * same as above
40. Arcades * financial improvement needed first
41. Pub lunches * same as above
42. Going to musical theatres * same as above, also a willing companion needed! 
43. Going to circuses * same as above
44. Going to fetes, country fairs and fairgrounds * same as above
45. Learning new languages
46. Giving and receiving massages
47. Research for my stories
48. Upcycling things * same as above
49. Playing darts * don’t have a dart board anymore
50. Snuggling with people and pets * not even my rabbit likes to snuggle cries*
51. Building cushion forts * no room, not enough cushions for fort making
52. Playing Ovipets online
53. Playing console games * TV broke and the ones we have don’t have the thingys according to Paul
54. Word games, particularly with other people
55. Tae Bo workouts * need to get fit again first to do the proper 45 minute work out
56. Singing * people complain too much in this house
57. Belly dancing and watching belly dancers * I’d love to try and dance them someday too, if I ever become a published author or famous enough, I’d like to be invited to come dancing, one of my fantasies! 
58. Watching tango, paso doble and flamenco dances
59. Reading books on culture, religion and mythology
60. Charity work and volunteering * can’t get to places lately
61. Daydreaming on long car journeys * – I don’t talk on long car journeys, sorry! Also we don’t have a car and there is no one to take me for a ride! 
62. Long over ground train journeys – again I don’t talk much on those, unless it’s about the scenery or if its urban sceneries then I’d have my nose in a book!
63. Blowing bubbles for myself but it is more fun with dogs and babies! 
64. Hand making things with children
65. Organising children’s parties
66. 1000 piece or bigger jigsaw puzzles – like to have one set up all the time!
67. Watching the RHS show
68. Reading gardening and fashion magazines * had to give up four subscriptions recently, can’t afford them anymore
69. Looking for hag stones and other things in nature
70. Being inside the darkness of dense mossy woodlands, meditating * the local place is too dangerous now as there are too many avalanches into the lake it’s sealed off!  Need to find another dense mossy woodland elsewhere! 
71. Playing swing ball * don’t have one anymore and not doing it with that neighbour around – found out recently that they aren’t leaving after all because he spent the deposit money to move behind his wife’s back!  I think the whole neighbourhood heard that screaming match!
72. Walks on frosty mornings – weather permitting
73. Walks particularly at the top of hills at dawn or dusk taking pictures!  * Can’t get up the hill in Quarry Park since 2015, working on trying to get fit for it again
74. Moon bathing… yes it’s a thing!
75. Watching the local bats flying around
76. Midnight walks at full moons especially but never alone! *
77. Photographing wildlife and plants
78. Baking
79. Sugar crafting
80. Making soups and casseroles for people
81. Making seasonal decorations
82. Running and jogging with dogs * don’t have a dog currently and not fit enough anymore, but trying to get it all back!
83. Watching short movies and art movies
84. Whittling or carving art into wood with knives
85. Designing clothes, especially ball gowns
86. Playing marbles
87. Playing jacks
88. Flower arranging and making elaborate arrangements especially for formal occasions!
89. Making puppets or soft toys for kids
90. Having an Indian head massage
91. Motivating others
92. Walking in the summer light rain
93. Writing in cafes *
94. Making wands, staffs and homemade natural weapons
95. Learning new skills, that are fun
96. Playing the discus
97. Playing Frisbee with dogs and children
98. Strategic war games
99. Collecting specific things – buttons, dragons, seeds, books, trump cards & crystals
100. Knitting for people * brings on my carpal tunnel syndrome if I knit more than fifteen minutes a time

Happy reading everyone!

Shove me in a box…

“You can’t have and do everything, you’ve got to narrow yourself down”; Have you ever been told that by anyone in the past?

I have endlessly, particularly by Paul – he has constantly lived in fear since we moved in together that I am overdoing everything, stretching myself too thin and he has tried to endorse a cut version of me. Purely because he fears I will burn myself out!

I never realised until now, just how little by little, I have lost myself.  Around seven years ago I became severely depressed and suicidal; I couldn’t find joy in anything anymore.  I didn’t realise until recently, when I have been soul searching just why this might be the case!

Why am I no longer happy?

Why even when I was being badly abused in a toxic parent/child relationship, I was still happier then, in myself, than I am now that I am free?  Because I realised, although I was isolated and abused, I was allowed to have my hobbies and a lot of them!  I was able to skip from this to that and know that the house was always spotlessly organised and nothing needed to be cleared away and cleaned before I could use it.

Although my life with my parents was terrible, I had the environment perfect for creative growth.

My heart and soul sings when I am able to read books at the drop of a hat, write stories and songs and poems and practise any musical instrument.  I could do art and I always had a dog next to me, I was never without a dog when I lived with my parents.

I could sing anywhere from the hours of 9am to 9pm without being hushed, as long as I isolated myself in my room or in the garden to do so.

I could get the exercise I need without clearing the floor and vacuuming first and have the right music to motivate me to finish the work out all the way through!

I could listen to any music and watch any movie I so desired; although I was isolated, threatened, blackmailed and all the rest, I was free to hone my skills and entertain myself however possible, as long as I just don’t go out and as long as it didn’t interfere with chores or whatever my mother wanted from me, which were minimal anyway because my mother had OCD and everything was perfect all of the time around the house.

But here, I don’t have the same freedom.  In my own house, I don’t have that.

There is always a complaint at how loudly I sing, it’s ok to sing, but do you really have to sing opera or songs that reach a high note in jazz?

It’s ok for you to have these musical instruments, but you can’t have your keyboard constantly set up outside of the box, there is no room for it – let me bring it downstairs for you every time you want to use it and wait until we clear the dining table and you can use it there!

It’s ok for you to do your watercolour painting, but we need to clear your art table up as we’ve had lunch on it today, it will only take fifteen minutes and then you need to fetch it all down from boxes from the spare bedroom before you get going on it… is it any wonder half an hour later especially when I’ve had a bad day with my sickness that I decided after all of that nonsense I don’t want to paint anymore?

Especially when there is never any room to store the art to dry and the work ends up with piles of toys on it and lost for several weeks… there is no respect with my efforts. Nobody cares, but me. I have very little personal space and I am made to feel guilty when I fight for it.

I have a 4ft by 4ft corner in the living room with my desktop computer and a chair; I had to fight for that space and to maintain it as tidy as it is like it’s some kind of ongoing battle… and it is!

They can take anything away from me, but not this space!

And they do.

Sometimes I need to pee, but I get hemmed in this corner by fortresses of lego or robots, then they leave the room abandoning me to try and get out of it, because really, they don’t care.  Or they barricade me in this corner with an ironing board and baskets of laundry and I have to wait a few minutes whilst they rescue me out of it, just so I can go to the toilet.

It’s nice he does the laundry, I really appreciate that – but I need space to do the work and I have been struggling for two years now in getting Paul to help me set up the spare room as an office, because I am too weak to move the huge cabinets up there myself to make room for my desk.

The mess is depressing, the lack of freedom to just up and go anywhere in the house is… if you can understand it’s… it’s just… I don’t know.  It makes me want to give up, stay in bed and rot away.

The only place I can absolutely guarantee a clean and tidy place with the freedom to move un-obstructively is between my side of the bed, my side of the bedroom, the upstairs landing and the bathroom; but lately, the bathroom is getting obstructed as Henry is becoming a teenager and floods the floor, so I can no longer trundle from bed to toilet in fleece socks without seeping into a lake and sitting on a toilet with a wet bottom because for some reason or another, Henry doesn’t just wash himself, but the whole room!

Is it any wonder that I sit back and wish to leave?  That I can’t cope anymore with this kind of life?  Because nobody I live with uphold the same quality control of how the house should be as I do?

Because I was stupid to think I could change a hoarder.

“We’re not obsessed with everything like you are” is the response I get when I complain.  “We don’t have time, we’re tired, we can’t help it” is always the excuse I get and I am drained by the whining and then I don’t want to create – I just want to sink back in bed and hope that I do actually die of whatever is making me sick! It’s probably the black mould, I never had asthma before I moved in here!

I was offered a free writers retreat holiday the other week, I refused to go because I was genuinely afraid that if I went, I’d enjoy the freedom too much and won’t want to come home again.

I am a musician as much as I am a writer, I am a composer and lyricist, I am an artist and photographer – but I can only be a writer whilst I live here, there isn’t any room for the other stuff and I miss my piano and keyboard so much, the glockenspiel, recorder and kalimba are available easily, but the house has eaten my harmonica and portable electronic drum!

Oh I still have it, it’s upstairs in a box, but I can’t get to it, it’s barricaded behind loads of boxes of things we never use and I can’t carry it downstairs to use it, without thirty minutes of tidying up first and then there is the issue that I am disturbing someone.  Or that “they” want to play my keyboard too as though it’s some kind of novelty game;

I am thrilled in particular that Henry has an interest in playing the keyboard, though he never practises, but why is it always when I only just bring it down for me after months of not seeing it? 

Maybe I am just a selfish asshole, but I can’t help feel I am being boxed as much as the junk in the spare room is!

Sometimes I feel I am in the way, that if they could, they would, shove me in a box and put me out of the way.

How I miss my music.

I need to find a way out of all of this, before I grow old and bitter and become a mega bitch; it’s slowly happening, I used to be happy for everyone, never a glum thought crossed my mind – but lately, I am getting envious and I am starting to turn green and have ugly thoughts about things.

I feel like I am losing my soul!

Happy reading everyone!

Show this butterfly the way

Can I be a butterfly

Flying in the wind

Can I be so colourful with my wings?

Can I find a place where my heart can sing?

Can I find joy, is it a thing?

I am open to a life

Where paradise sings

Show me where it is, so I can spread my wings

I am ready for my flight into the light

I am ready for it all

Let me stand tall

I am dreaming of a place that is better than this

Show me now, where that place is

I hope when I fly I will not fall

That I will find a place where I can grow tall

I need to love and I need to find peace

I need to find someone who doesn’t lie and tease

I need to find a place that I can call my own

A place where I am loved, a place I can call home

I need to find freedom, show me where it is

Because I am ready for a life filled with bliss!

So show me where to fly

Into the grey, pink or blue sky?

Point the way for me

Help to set me free

So I can be

Unadulteratedly me!

Can I be a butterfly?

The enthusiasm to talk is leaving me

The thrill to communicate is strange to me

When I open my mouth, I am shut down again

Because people kick me down so I can never mend

Joy is an alien world to me

Happiness is something I’ve never seen

Fear is a place that I call my home

Down to the dumps is the place that I roam

I fake positivity at every turn

Trying to change my life, because I yearn

To feel better things, like elation and approval

From this dim place I seek a removal

I thought I found someone who would help with that

But then it turned out they were full of scat

I am no better here than I was there

I am stuck in this situation and nobody cares

I can’t leave this place, I am too sick and I am poor

Can someone show me how to open this door?

I can’t help but feel trapped in this hell called life

I’m sorry to those who I’ve hurt if my words cut like a knife

But you promised me this and then gave me that

Every lie from your mouth pours on me like scat

I can’t keep a life that is poison to me

I am drowning in the grey toxicity

I can’t do this alone

For years I have tried

My spirit is dying… no it has died

I find it hard to feel

I find it hard to speak

I am growing every day more emotionally weak

I can’t see the horizon for all of the clouds

Surrounded by depression, suffocated by the crowds

I am feeling trapped and I need a way out

To positive thoughts I used to be devout

But now I give up

I can no longer see, the sunny situation seems far from me

I am falling fast

Am I about to fail, following the path of a better trail?

I really don’t know what I should do

I am trying to find my tribe, my encouraging crew

But then I go home

And things kick me again

Kick me down every time I think I found my zen

It is like, his only joy

Is to disappoint me, his sullen toy

Keep me alive with vague little promises

But he always forgets what a promise is

I can’t keep living this way anymore

I need to find the key to open this door

I need to get out before I drown in tears

Like Alice lost in Wonderland, only I have lost years

I need to get out and get myself a life

Because I can’t cope in this grey life of strife

It is killing me slowly

My heart is almost gone

I need to spread my wings, instead of singing swan song

This little caterpillar, needs to find her cocoon

To wrap herself up so she can bloom

Into a butterfly that she’s meant to be

Then fly into the world, happy and free

Am I really a butterfly, is that really me?

Can I become a butterfly?

Can I be free?

Clear the clouds away, so that I can see

That happiness is a place, where I can be!