The bliss that once was

Have you forgotten how to laugh?

How words fell out of mouths to bring joy not discontent

For the want of a light hearted time and prosperity

To throw away the darkness of a day and just forget

When did we lose our sense of humour?

When once we frivolously bantered in the want of fun

And nobody took it seriously, the words, mere words spoken by a jester because of sardonic irony

Never any real malice was its intent

And the sun shone bright back then, for we people forgave the attempt to alleviate

When did we all deviate from the light of the world?

When did our blood run cold to jocund distractions and bent ourselves up in anger and bitterness?

When will time show us what we have lost in pleasure?

Cautious to laugh as sacred joy has become a sin

It’s no use now, use it or lose it and we are nearly lost

Lost in the darkness, fearful to inject blithe reflections of the human state

Swamped in the sensitive depressions of those who have strayed from their souls too long

And together we will all stand in the shadows of our former selves

Unthinking, unfeeling and silent

Soon to forget the bliss that once was

Moon’s light

The moon is like a pill in the sky

Though the world is often too jaded to see it

A luminescent tablet healing the world as it sleeps

Making waves and a balance it keeps

Shining a torch down on all the lands

Making silver of the sands

Glowing brightly up high

Our brightest light in the night sky

Though sometimes it is dimmed and gone

It always will return

Each time it does it is a wonder

Yet mankind always seeks to plunder

And someday they will steal its light

And build great cities with all their might

And when that day is doomed to come

The moon will become grey and glum

And nevermore shall we look to see

The beauty that shines upon the sea

And never more shall there be silver light

Because the moon won’t shine as bright

Vomiting rainbows?

I’m going to rant a little.

It looks to me as though people really enjoy depressing content.

Since being a little more chipper on my blog and avoiding melancholy, I’ve noticed I have lost nearly 200 followers in a week… really?

I mean, really?

Never mind the fact that I am a real human being who has a hard time and she is trying to buck herself up and get out there in a lighter way, in a happier way… oh no, she’s getting happy, let’s unfollow her!

I’m sorry but I do what I do, when I do it.

You have to accept my ups as much as you accepted my downs.

If you can’t tolerate that, then I am sorry to say good riddance.

It is a real struggle to deal with suicidal thoughts and depression, whilst trying to handle the PTSD of the violence I’ve experienced throughout my life. 

I don’t need private emails from people suggesting that I am trying to cover up my depression by vomiting rainbows and statements like that and how they believe I genuinely don’t have depressions because I try to do that from time to time.  I am sorry, but I do.

I am genuinely suicidal in comes and goes in bouts and I vomit rainbows to try and stop myself from going over the edge! I have to and if you can’t hack it, then keep away and keep your nasty comments to yourselves!

Thanks for reading, for those who stay with me through thick and thin, through the darkness and the light!

Who cries?

Who cries for a heart that’s broken?

Who cries for a mind gone mad?

Who cries for the downhearted and fallen?

Who cries for the sad?

Left alone in our misery

We burden all who are around

Fake smiles and words of lies

Makes everything seem sound

Wear a mask upon your face

To cover up your pain

Wear a costume and dance a bit

Like darkness has been slain

Don’t let them see your sparkling tears

Don’t utter a wretched cry

Just keep on faking happiness

Just keep up with the lie

For sorrow spreads like a disease

It swamps all that it goes near

Keep the mask upon your face

For those you love so dear

Keep their hearts away from it

And shine your light so bright

So that all you love right now

Will never have the same plight

What sights!

She was on the edge of the world

Looking down into insanity

Darkness mingled with dots of light

The world was spinning 

What sights!

What sights!

Writer’s insomnia

Must I write when the world is black and everyone’s lulled to sleep?

May I not sit with muse when the sun ejects his shards of light?

Do I have to be present with my muse at night?

Or is sadism he’s delight?

For I can only ever write

When there is an absence of the light…

Is my muse a demon?

Is my muse so dark?

Is my muse only really having a lark?

For my mind can’t settle to sleep at night

It only thinks and plays

This insomnia a writer has, keeps us in our daze

A tragedy we know so well

We write when he sits and tells

We can’t be free of our muse

We cannot sit and choose

What to do and when and how

We can only sit in the boat he sails

And lose another day

Demon Brothers

The Leviathan is my brother

We are so deep and dark

The light will weep forever

With our sordid larks

As we devour all the light

All the happiness will decay

We will take revenge for our fallen cousins

There are angels to slay

War is upon us

Incipit

This is the time for our cruel exhibit

Samael walks on a path of wrath

Taking them down one by one

Angered by their betrayal

Angered by the sun

Our wings are black

As is our hearts

Together we stand

For liberty and art

For freedom is our name

And lust is our desire

Punishment our game

Towards the wrong Messiah

We stand together, straight and tall

Because we know, its darkness that rules!

And from this night all will dwell

Writhing in the flames of Hell!

Never let me go

I’m a jewel that shines real bright

If my conditions are really right

If you love me and cherish me too

You can see all the different things I’ll do

I love deep and I give my all

But that doesn’t mean that I’m a fool

I love hard and I care a lot

I don’t like love that’s cold then hot

I need to be the precious one

In your life and heart

Although I let you play at times

I know we’ll never part

Not if you love me true and through

That’s all I really want from you

To be your baby kind and sweet

To be your favourite kind of treat

To know that each and every day

I am yours in every single way

I won’t betray you

So don’t betray me

I am still open

So trust in me

I am not a short term girl

I am a precious sort of pearl

A rare find in this world of ours

I could sit and talk for hours

About what I am and what you mean to me

As long as you remain keen of me

You can play with others too

But just remember who is who

That you will always come home to me

Talk with freedom and honesty

I’ll obey you most of the time

But what is the purpose of my rhyme?

To let you know that I do care

That my earlier poem did quite scare

But I want you to know something right now

That as long as you make a solemn vow

To love me and keep me for all your days

I will honour you in all your ways

But treat me bad and break my heart

Be sure, that vengeance will be stark

Because I’m tired of the pain

Of loving again and again

Only to love in vain

And be alone once again

Giving love to tricksters who do not care

To be hurt again I could not bear

So many times I’ve been broken

Used again like a temporary token

Don’t I deserve to love and keep?

Do I deserve to cry and weep?

Feeding pride and ego too

For people who keep me in the blue

Why can’t I love someone?

Who will cherish me in return?

Someone who will shield me from the sun

So that I will never burn!

The love I give is deep and tense

For I do give my all

Anything you want my love

Just give me a call

But don’t cast me aside at all

Adore me all you can

Because I need husband

That is a protective sort of man

His pride and joy that would be me

Though submissive I’ll be free

Because I would know he loves me much

I will be tender with my touch

Because he loves me so

Because he will never let me go!

I can’t wait!

I step in time

With the dancing mime

Lost in a mirror

Lost in rhyme

Trapped within myself

Hung upon a shelf

Teased by the light

It’s their delight

Broken like a china doll

I cry and cry alone

Nobody to love me

Nobody is home

All I ever wanted

My dream is quite pure

Is to have a love

That will endure

That’s all I’ve ever wanted

That’s all I want for me

But pushed aside forgotten

Is all that came to me

I would gladly throw away

All my songs and rhymes

All my stories and my freedom

For those better times

But locked in sadness I’m alone

And trapped in time I cry

Is it any wonder

I can’t wait till I die?

I am everything or a rainbow

Above is a picture I took a few days ago – the lighting is not good and no its not filtered. Definitely seeing the weight loss in my face, in my opinion.

That’s face yoga for you!

I’d like to show another updated full-length picture of me but people are not patient with me when I need them to shoot me… I mean take my picture so I bought a full-length mirror – now I have to probably wait six months for Paul to put it up on the wall for me so I can shoot myself – I mean do selfies.

The other day I shared a dream about how I want to look and I told you all that I regard it with embarrassment a bit – that’s true, but what I failed to tell you all is that even with that I dither at times.

Most the time I want the platinum/white hair and to dress how I like in rainbows, fluff and pinks – but there is another side of me.

Sometimes, though not often, I want to be the strong looking athletic brunette with a long French plait, good toned arms, but stockier than the image I have about the platinum/white haired version of me.  Sometimes in the brunette form I have in my mind, I would wear a crown braid and I would mostly wear black jeans and a white tank top, everything toned. 

I like both ideas and I know which one is easier to become, it’s the secondary one.  I could never really shape or mould such a muscle dense body such as this into the body shape of the platinum/white haired dream.

However, the brunette version of me I only ever really think about once a week – so I don’t like it as much as I do the platinum/white version I have in mind, also the vampire/dark side in me prefers the brunette.

The purpose of the photo was to show you what I look like and what you think would suit me best?

Why did I mention this?  Because today is a brunette day – a big contrast to yesterday where for about half a day I wanted rainbow coloured hair, glittery make up and rainbow dungarees for some weird reason!

I think though it had something to do with the “Who am I” meditation I did, because one thing was clear to me in the meditation – I was the warm sun on a rainy sunny day and what happens on rainy warm sunny days like those?  Rainbows…

I felt both dark and light all at once, good and evil all at once and what do you get when you mix dark and light whilst holding crystals in your hand?  That’s right… rainbows!

So I am everything or a rainbow… I am still not very sure just of yet!

I didn’t share everything I said I was in my meditation yesterday as a lot I was embarrassed about – such as being a rainbow and other weird things like that! 

I very nearly cut out the sex but then I remembered that you all know I am a nympho anyway! 

I don’t think I can make up my mind what I want to look like between the two – my sensibilities tells me go with the one I want the most and think about the most and that would be the white/platinum me – but that is the hardest path to tread in moulding my body naturally.

I’ve mentioned before, in my adult life I find it hard to be lighter than 180 pounds because of muscle mass – I used to do weight lifting when I was younger I just can’t get below 180.  I gain muscle really fast and it is scary what I will look like if I hit the weights again – I really need one on one advice which I am hoping to start at the end of the month at the local gym.

It seems logical then to go with the secondary choice as I don’t think my body shape once I’ve reached my goal would suit a white/platinum woman in Barbiecore clothing, would it?

Oh I don’t know, this is exactly the reason why I was in the TPE lifestyle (total power exchange), the man in my life makes those decisions for me!  LOL

Thanks for reading