Triggers of grief

Grief comes in waves

A trigger of a memory

A word or two heard in passing

Thoughts of them come to you

Trespassing your mind

You can’t help it, you find

You love those memories, but they make you sad

Bittersweet, you feel bad

Guilty that you don’t want the memories, guilty you think of them

Moving on is difficult because it hurts again and again

Any little trigger will make you think of those

Who are in the heavens, those whose death caused you woes

But you know that you love them and happy memories you did share

But why does it have to hurt so much? 

When they are no longer there?

Synchronised post

I yearn to do a lot of art and what is strange is, just as I wrote those first eight words, I paused because the TV said “You have what it takes to be a great creator” weird coincidence, but I digress.

I want to make art doesn’t seem right, it is more than that – it’s becoming a need.  I want to write my stories too, but making art is a deeper pull for me right now.

I’ve kind of found my style, I believe.

In the past few days I have been practising art and I am feeling happier for it.

When I was a child I was obsessed with what my teacher called “cutting and pasting” but I realised recently, it was actually collaging.

This is very strange, the TV just spoke about “finding your inner child” just as I spoke about a childhood memory, you know – the synchronicities happening in my life lately is driving me bonkers, I am bombarded by so many of them lately!

Paul has noticed it too, noticed the TV or the radio appearing to be on the same wavelength as my conversations with him, particularly when those conversations are about seeking a new relationship or doing anything with regards to creative pursuits.

Anyway, I digressed again.

I have decided to throw myself into junk journaling, abstract conceptualism and collaging, mixed media art that sort of thing.

I started to follow several people on Instagram for art, the people I follow on YouTube mostly and somebody there sent me a private message and noted that I have this blog and wondered why I only post up facial pictures of myself and not my art.  I didn’t really think about that before they mentioned it, because most of the time I post my art on DeviantArt – but I am considering adding them on Instagram.

Problem is that I don’t have a very good head for technology and a lot of the photos I put on my Instagram get cropped by Instagram in annoying ways and I don’t understand it – so most of the pictures I want to put up get deleted because Instagram did a boo boo.

If you get me?

I will try again in the future, so there’s a heads up for you…

Thanks for reading!

True Love Heals

Love is the gentle tickle as the breeze brushes past your ears, whispering sentiments of warmth, comfort, memory and tranquillity.

It is the tight embrace around your waist and the flickering of butterfly wings kissing your cheek.

Its scent is powdery, floral with a hint of spice and soothes your soul as you breathe it in deep.

Its taste an addictive mellifluous dessert, a treat for your tongue, a caress for your mouth as it tickles and teases its way down your throat and makes everything feel just right.

It’s the warm soft cashmere worn in the late autumn around your neck, smothering you in all its glory with its protection from the coldness of life, a sweeper of strife and a reassuring nuzzle when you are not feeling you best.

Love sounds like a happy baby, kind words, a lullaby and soft like cotton it pacifies you as you are gently lulled to sleep.

True love doesn’t make you weep.

True love cannot harm you.

True love heals.

Cruel memory

Shut up and stop causing trouble you said that fateful night

That night you locked me in a room, to succumb to a cruel plight

The mirrors they sucked me in

They took me away from you

I saw my reflection amongst the glass

And I knew it couldn’t be true

Pulled in by the mirrors lies

The mirrors pulled my heart

Tore me away from myself

Tore my soul apart

I am lost in limbo

Trapped by this loveless fate

In agony I yearn for you

But now it’s just too late

You’re not coming to save my soul

You’re not real at all

You are just a dream too me

A memory that is cruel

This poem is based on larger works that I will be finishing the final draft of by the end of this year. A long fantasy saga, I’ve worked on for nearly 25yrs.

I need to rest upon the shore

Dear, you are so dear to my heart

You pull me apart

With those words you say

Dear release me from your potion

Don’t let me get washed in the ocean

Hear me say

Save me now

I can’t bare those waters again

I just need my heart to mend

I can’t be always swimming here

I love you, so, so dear

But is it worth all these tears

After all these years

I am growing tired of the crying and the loneliness

I just need a rest

Upon the shore

Why can’t you listen, please don’t ignore

I implore you to stay with me

I know it sounds pathetic but I was once in this scenario where I was pushed away from someone, called back, pushed away, called back, constantly and I never learned for nearly three years that it would be a constant cycle. 

I thought that when they called me back they had a change of heart, so I’d dotingly went back to them and it wasn’t until pure mental exhaustion that I chose to ignore them finally.  But they still kept tabs on me for years and it wasn’t until my mum in fact, threatened to tell the police about them that they backed off finally.

I am embarrassed to share this actually, because upon reflection I behaved pathetically. 

These are not thoughts I still have of the person, but these are memories of that place I used to be in – sometimes people are confused that my poetry are reflective of my current mental state and it’s not always.  I have an excellent emotional memory.

In fact this emotional memory happened in 2004.

I am thinking that sometimes my poems might actually need explanations at the end, because there are times I post things like this and a bandwagon of lovely people thinks I am in a dark place again.  OK – let’s make a deal… if there is no explanation with a dark poem, I might be in a dark place at the time.

If there is an explanation, rest easy my friend! 

Thanks for reading!

Forgotten things & hungry house

I have the memory of a sieve.

Do you know how many things I am supposed to be updating here on this blog that I have forgotten about?

Even regular things, like “who am I today” posts and diet/weight loss updates weekly and word counts and all sorts of stuff!

I am sorry about that, I do actually have a to do list that used to sit on my desk, but sometimes a wind blows it away into the mess of the house and I lose it.

I make other ones, but it seems to happen quite a lot here.

I did try to pin it on the wall but it fell off and the back of the desk ate it!

This house is prone to losing things, eating things… it’s like the house is alive or something and ravenously hungry!

I sometimes wonder if I sat in a place long enough the house would eventually eat me?

I have been known to sit for three hours or more writing at the desk without moving even for a toilet break and I have had spiders that had the audacity to attach webbing to my shoulder because they think I am part of the furniture because I haven’t moved so long… the blooming liberty!

So this is my apology to you all for all those broken promises!

Thanks for reading!

Catalina (Kitty)

Though I never knew you, I light a candle for your name

I have never met you, but I bring your life some fame

I talk about how short you lived

I’ve shared my tale to all

You will be remembered by me

Right now you would be tall

You are nineteen happy birthday

Though you were never born

I will love you forever

And forever I shall mourn

An explanation will be posted in the morning, because of the graphic content of the explanation. Sorry guys!

Who’s energy is this?

Having lived a life of semi-isolation pre-covid, because of life circumstances, I have not developed in a usual manner for other people in society.

My life has effectively been similar to that of a yogi.

Why do I say that? 

Because I have spent a lot of my life in social isolation because of one reason or another and I have always had reflective thoughts on everything that happens to me.  My memory is very good when things happen to me, because they seldom happen to me, if you get my drift?

Religion, philosophy and self-improvement has always been a way of life for me, indeed, it is a lifestyle of sorts.  I am always soul searching, I meditate often though not in the usual manner and I spend a lot of time inside of myself.

This has made me become described by many people as a sensitive and highly empathetic being.

I come from a very spiritual and somewhat occultist background with my grandmother’s gypsy and witch heritage, so I have learned to be open regarding everything and I have inherited my gypsy ancestral ability for clairvoyance.

Not only this but working with angels has always been a major part of my families indoctrination and so I have always worked with my spirit guides or guardian angels as it were on a very close one to one level to such a degree, I do not need to meditate to hear them, like most practitioners do.

Because of all of this, I have become a person to which friends rely on for messages.  Some friends of mine in the past and even my exes have become a little afraid of my abilities because it is my lifestyle.  I never push my beliefs on anyone, but people find it really hard when I am unsurprised by events that have happened in their lives.

Some are so afraid that they feel invaded and have left my life; others kind of try to abuse my ability and constantly try to get more answers to their questions to their lives.

Why am I sharing all of this?

Because I am finding myself socialising more online these days with new people and there are certain people I can feel want to say something “BIG” to me, but I sense they are afraid of rejection.  I think it is only one person; though I can sense seven who have similar intentions to this “main” energy I can feel.

I can tell there are seven new people who want to be a part of my life in a major way, in my opinion there is only the one that connects well to me and what’s so strange about it is, they haven’t made themselves known to me yet.  But my spirits have told me, they know everything that they can about me and it’s not just through my blog either!

This particular person who connects to me really well is definitely American, but there are four Americans amongst the seven.

This particular person is begging for a miracle because there are circumstances in his life, which indicate that they cannot do what a regular guy can do, he has a lot of responsibilities and he is afraid of getting me caught up in it all and becoming stressed.  He is deeply concerned for my mental health and stability.

He is afraid I will reject him, because he feels I am afraid of the challenges he brings with him.

He is afraid that I will feel emotionally neglected because he is a very busy, constantly on the go kind of guy and along with this, he is afraid he might physically exhaust me as well.

I sense a lot of people in his life know about me and is trying to support him through this awkward emotional time for him.

I feel he is afraid that I will not be impressed by him or that I may feel he is a narcissist in some way if he does what he instinctively feels he should, regarding me.

He is afraid that his lifestyle or certain associations within his lifestyle may emotionally harm me in some way.

He is also unsure how I cope with change and he really doesn’t want to stress me out with a huge upheaval, I definitely see him as very caring and nurturing.

He is also afraid that he might be overreacting about me, that maybe when things calm down a little in his life he may not think the way he does about me.  He worries that I have become discovered by him at a vulnerable time in his life – and it is a vulnerable time for him.

But what I can sense about this person is that we are so much in tune with each other.  We have the same needs almost and we are perfectly balanced in that, what he wants from me, I have the ability to be naturally that for him and vice versa – we really do not need to change much of ourselves to be part of each other’s lives.

I do feel that they have hugely underestimated my stamina and endurance, not physically, but emotionally.  Yes, I do feel physically their lifestyle will be very tiring for me for a while, but he has the ability to improve my stamina over time.  But emotionally, we’ll be OK, more than OK in fact.

He is very sensitive and he needs someone who can respect his boundaries and his choices and he is a very private and security oriented person.  Maybe he has been hurt a lot in the past or perhaps he is afraid of being taken advantage of or something along those lines…

I am really good at keeping things to myself, I dislike gossip and I am rather security conscious myself – though I do put myself out there a lot online, but depending on my circumstances I can tighten things up for the right person very quickly.

I can train dogs; dogs make me feel more secure… sorry for going off on a tangent there.

I feel our only issue, if we were to have a relationship with one another is that he will definitely find me a little too childish at times and selfish, but he will endeavour to kind of reign that out of me over a time.  He likes the playfulness and creativity in me, but the over excitement, the squeals and hyperactivity he will feel he has to step in and calm me down a bit.

He does feel that other people’s opinions mean a lot to him, he is very image conscious but he is not shallow, this much I can feel from him and he is living in frustration that people expect him to be shallow for some reason?

I sense his biggest desire with me is to help me experience a life of fun, freedom and happiness.  This is important to him; he wants me to be happy and less tight, it means a lot to him.

He is also afraid that I will reject him because he is a very physical person and somewhat clingy.  I don’t mind this actually because I have been attention starved most of my life, I am actually afraid I would slow his life down because of how demanding I can be with snuggles and mooching around them.  I know I am a very physical person too and I don’t mean sex, though I have to admit my tantric energy is rarely turned off!

Whoever this guy is, my only concerns are… can you cope with a hyperactive squirrel type woman?  Who is always in a snuggle mood, that is super creative and loves to brainstorm her ideas with you all the time.  Can you cope with the idea that she hates contraception for herself personally and wants a large family even though she’s forty?  If you don’t want kids, can you really keep your hands to yourself until you do? 

Do you like dogs?  I need a dog in my life… though I’m sympathetic to allergies.

I prefer suburban areas or areas that have a lot of nature around us, like big gardens and trees lining the streets, if nothing else and local parks…

I have a 12yr old son who will not be coming with me in my new life, as he has already chosen to stay with his father because of his 300yr ancestry in this village – will you think less of me for honouring his choices?

Do you like Mediterranean and Asian food as that’s my main diet? Because my ancestry is predominantly Italian with some Sephardic Jewish and Greek roots too.

Are you easily jealous?  This could be a problem as I am super friendly with the whole world, likely to hug everyone and be super nice and even a little flirty at times, but I am loyal to a fault!

Can you take the reins if necessary as I need a lot of direction and I get anxious when I am involved too much in a passive relationship… basically, do you have the patience with a person who is constantly asking “is this ok” “is that ok”? Or is that going to annoy you, because I know it has bothered many exes in the past.  I am also apologetic as I always feel like I am doing things wrong!

Do you have the patience to help me become the best that I can be as an individual? 

How are you with positive people who try to motivate you and help you?  Do you allow others to help you?  As I am always trying to help people and some people get moody about it, I only need to be told gently – I am OK thank you.

Do you like the outdoors?  I love it!

I don’t sunbathe; drink (unless it’s a special occasion & limit myself to 3) or smoke and I don’t do night life with the ladies, like most women do.  I am more of a lunch in town or an afternoon tea at home or at friends’ homes type.

How snobby are you?  I like thrift stores and markets and antiques.

I have a huge problem with spending loads of money on something I know I can get at a bargain price down the road of the same quality – this was something a couple of my rich exes couldn’t get over and they were snobby about where they got things, regardless of the price.  Which made no sense to me, you know look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves and all that…

Besides I like needlecraft and thrift stores have some nice clothes to touch up and make your own designs with!

I don’t travel light and that is the understatement of the century!

My rabbit Ray means everything to me and if he can’t be part of your life, well… sniff* meanie!

I am a drama queen at times, especially if I feel emotionally neglected and I can sense this is the same for the person I am talking about here.  So that will be interesting… two queens in one home…

But I sense I am the submissive one in this energy.

I am really laying myself out there for an energy I don’t know is going to take the plunge with me… are you actually all energy and hot air with no real intention… or are you going to find your balls and talk to me?

Sorry to be blunt, but the suspense is killing me!

I can feel your energy so much it is distracting – when I try not to hone in on this energy I am seeing some weird signs everywhere that makes me refocus again.

222

444

Snake

Trees

11

Watches/pocket watches

Ibis

Flamingos

Peacocks

Dragonflies

Butterflies

Bubbles

Red with gold in blocks or tiles

Purple with teal usually seen with peacocks and shiny metallic blue and horses?

Crystals – jade in particular

Wheels

Crab

Aries signs

March for some weird reason is important, like 2023 March

A black and white cat

A ruby ring

Rose tinted glasses

Chakra alignments

The kabbalah

Adam & Eve references

Alpha and Omega references

It’s all just weird and I know it’s somehow connected to you… whoever you may be!

Why the blazes does my instinct tell me that when I meet you I am going to want to run away and scream and then come back to you like super calm and cool and like… yeah hi, how are you?

Nobody does that to me!

Who are you?

Really…

Whoever you are, in dream time we have a certain way of knowing if we’re the right people for each other. Its subtle, but we’ll know.

Thanks for reading!

In memory of The Queen.

The whole family has been affected greatly by the loss of our Queen.

We have been stunned to say the least, like the whole world has and it is a big adjustment to get used to. 

I have never met the Queen but Paul has on a couple of occasions because he used to be an officer in the Royal Navy, it sort of came with the job and so it has hit Paul the hardest here.

I think I speak for us all when I say, we will miss The Queen.

May people remember her for all the good she has bought to the world.

May she rest in peace!

Thank you all for reading.

ADHD writer?

I realised for years I said I was hypoactive but really it’s hyperactive – didn’t know they were two very different things!  I certainly don’t have any problem with my sex drive, not that you’d be interested anyway – but, there you go!

Why am I babbling on about this?  Because I wanted it to be clear that I have a hyperactive mind and when my body allows it a hyperactive body too!  Because of this I find it hard to concentrate on things for longer than fifteen to twenty five minutes a time – a long stretch for me – in fact, even ten minutes occasionally is stretching the boundaries of what I can do!

I have to change tasks or I suppose they call it fidget, if I am made to do something for longer than fifteen minutes.

When I am writing – anything, no matter how my flow is or not, I have to stand up randomly, dance whilst writing and even sing!  I need a lot of stimulus all the time when I am writing, but preferably nothing that means I need to communicate with others verbally.  For example, I need music or I need background television turned on something akin to what I am trying to write. 

I will pause as I write and make notes, I will observe the wildlife through a nearby window and I will pet my pets.  After around fifteen minutes of writing, I will check social media and stay there for around ten minutes before hopping back into writing, sometimes quite literally!

I am going to buy a standard desk and put it next to my sitting desk and have the laptop and my desktop on at the same time, so that eventually I can update my cloud with my stories on them and get up from the desk and use the laptop and type whilst standing up – this would benefit my health immensely, whilst catering to my ADHD.

In between writing and social media there are two or three online games I play whilst taking a break from those – such as ovipets.com, candy crush and paper Io.

Sometimes when I get physically jittery, I will randomly get up and walk around the garden once and come back to writing. 

I basically just can’t sit on my buns all day and write; fifteen minutes can sometimes be torture!

On days when my main isn’t so bad, I become really hyperactive as a writer and can write in excess of 4k words in that day and sometimes I have been known to reach 12k in a day!

But these days only tend to happen when my physical pain is significantly low for the day!

I get a lot of people who disbelieve that I can do this, that I can push out more than two thousand words in a day, especially when as far as they are concerned they think I haven’t left twitter for hours!  When in actuality, I have it opened on a tab on my computer and I am only really going back and forth from twitter approximately every fifteen minutes sometimes more, because I get side-tracked with games and other things too!

I just needed this to get out there… I need people to know just how I do things, because it is frustrating that nobody seems to believe me at times.

What makes it worse is my memory.

I endeavour every day to post a word count list, but I often forget to do this and I even forget to add the hand written notes and the laptop additions I do at night after I have shut social media down. 

I am even forgetting to update my goodreads.com account regularly these days, because I am so absorbed in reading and writing and then after two weeks I’ve added that I have read three books seemingly over night, when in fact it was over the two week period!

I am all over the place, I seem disorganised and frantic, but actually I feel quite serene, happy and I am a pedant in organising things – it’s just other people who don’t respect my stuff and move things, that cause chaos in my life!  I am incredibly OCD about things and it drives me nuts living in a house where someone is not meticulous like me and will throw a spanner in my neat and tidy works!

I had spent three weeks once re-arranging all of my books alphabetically and within certain genres around the house, for people to want to browse through my books and dump them wherever they like; same for my DVDs.

I have a pile of papers next to my desk and when I am in bed asleep, as my sleeping schedule is anywhere between 3am and 1pm, usually 5am to 11am if I am honest – I find that someone has opened a window in the living room near my desk and the papers have been blown everywhere and they’ve tried to save my work by not looking at the page numbers and randomly compiling them together again, with a shoe print on one or two and then they wonder why I get mad!

Sometimes a note will blow away without me realising it and ends up under the sofa for months and things like this or little files I have in another room get knocked over by people and they fall out their little plastic pockets and behind a dusty old cabinet and nobody has told me they couldn’t be bothered to rescue it and I find it weeks later covered in spider poo.

It’s hard to be a writer here with that going on, it’s even harder when you have ADHD, OCD and another problem I don’t have a name for, when you’ve found your stuff being disrespected like that you get so upset and disheartened you can’t bring yourself to work that day because you have to try and clean it all up and retype it or cry yourself back to sleep because you fell into a depressive nap.  Whatever that mental problem is, I have that too!

So there you have it, that’s how I work.

I can’t help it and I have tried to change, but its impossible.

Thanks for reading!