Lessons & time

Everything that happens in life is a lesson!

Well that is what has been told to me time and time again by various people of all walks of life and I sit and I wonder, well, what am I learning from what I do?

What can be learnt from sitting down three hours per day skipping between three YouTube Livestreams of nesting birds? 

What can I learn from watching a solitary albatross chick pulling grass on the edge of his nest, ducking from incoming adults of neighbouring nests as they land?

What am I learning from watching five little owlets being fed rats by its parent in a dingy dirty owl box in Florida?

What am I learning from watching Osprey pulling apart fishes given to her by her mate to feed her two little chicks?

What am I learning by scrolling through various female artists throughout history?  Especially when I can never remember their names or the names of the pieces of their art?

What am I learning from collaging bits of paper onto a canvas and then painting the edges of it?

What am I learning when I am laying down staring out the window cloud gazing?

If everything that happens to me in life is a lesson, then what am I learning from everything that I do?

Somethings don’t make any sense to me, other things are very clear – but not the so-called mundane things of sitting and watching or just sitting and thinking; the most nonsensical thing about my life is how often I sit down and imagine conversations I want to have with people dead or alive, or imagine creatures or people having lives within stories I’ve made.  I understand that imagination makes me productive when I use it to make stories, but what exactly is its lesson when I am more or less making it up as I go along?

The lessons I have understood and learned, yet still appear to be a student of nonetheless, which must mean I’ve not entirely grasped them yet are these…

Dropping food I am eating – I have presumed the lessons here are;

Don’t take anything for granted

Be grateful for what you eat

Don’t eat so much

Yet I still appear to need to learn that lesson – not that I am in the habit of dropping food on the floor, but you get my drift?

I’m bored and philosophical right now, so I am coming out with a load of crap – but its thought provoking nonetheless and I do waste oodles of time thinking such things!

When I was little my grandmother said there is a very good reason why we drop food or spill drinks and it is to do with the fairy folk around us!

I asked her… what fairy folk make us become slobs?

She tutted and swiped at me and said, no silly – when we drop food or drink we’re to remember not to forget the fairy folk and give them an offering – it’s a kind of magic where we get accident prone with food and drink because it’s a sign they’re hungry or thirsty and feels neglected by us!

At the moment I am inclined to believe this house has a fairy who is particularly fond of sausages, because Henry is constantly dropping his and Paul has been known to drop them whilst serving them on plates too… so whatever fairy we have in our house sure is a sausage lover!

We used to leave offerings out for the fairy every night but we’ve got a rodent problem right now so can’t.  People have become very accident prone at dinner ever since.

My grandma would say (if she were still around, bless her) that it will only get worse till we make an offering.

But we really can’t right now!

I have been thinking about playing my recorder in the dining room to see if the rat will think I am the Pied Piper of Hamlin and follow me dancing out the door, or whether or not that idea is completely ludicrous, a waste of time and liable to get me called weirdo by Paul again.

It’s irritating having a rat, especially when you live with someone so jumpy and fearful of the things.

It’s tried eating the window to get out at night – our window frames are wood, there are gnaw marks all along it, I said to Paul unless you’ve got a spare 15k I suggest you try to flush the rat out because we’re going to lose our window!

The terror immediately hit Paul and he plans in a couple of days he will try and get rid of it, it’s always in a couple of days though with him on everything.  It’s been a couple of days since summer of 2016 that he promised to fix the shower… it’s been a couple of days since 2017 to finish painting the living room green… my goodness I feel immortal right now, a God… 800 million years is a day isn’t it to God?

They said he made the world in 6 days and rested on the 7^th, which means according to science this planet is approximately 4.6 billion years old meaning a day is around 800 million years, so I have to presumably wait 1.6 billion years for him to do it?  Because I am pretty sure he is not using Earth human mortal dates here!

I have the strangest life.

Never mind.

Thanks for reading!

Falling fool

Can somebody stop me now?

I am falling hard

Falling fast

Into a sea of sharks and pain

Falling hard like rain

Falling down the drain

Spiralling out of control in the air

Can somebody stop me?  Do you care?

I am in pain right now

It hurts so bad

It drives me mad

I am clad in thick grey clouds

Falling through the crowds in despair

But nobody sees me there

Am I alone in this world?

Is everyone deaf and blind?

Or have I really lost my mind?

Do I exist at all?

Why do I exist to fall?

I can’t keep falling more

There has to be a time where I can soar

And fly these heights on a feathered wings

A time where my cries leave me and I can sing

It can’t always be this way

Falling more and more each day

Things surely have to change

Or else I am deranged

I’m a falling fool

With nowhere to land

Falling onwards and onwards into dreamland

Fake people causing problems

Today I am wearing a green and black floral dress, where I really want to be wearing a lovely pair of corduroy dungarees with a cosy jumper underneath, but never mind!

If my grammar is bad today I apologise, but I am not sleeping well lately.  I have had eighteen hours sleep in three days all told.  Last night was the longest bout of sleep I’ve had in three days, ten hours but I was disturbed four times.

There is a lot I am thinking about and a lot of it is along the lines of “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” but never mind, I’ll learn to cope, I always do!

I always make do, its just me, I am easily adaptable and flexible and I try to make the best of any situation, but certain things are just going on too long now and I have nobody backing my corner, supporting me or cheering me on, it feels.

It’s hard to stay strong when you’re doing everything by yourself with no release to outsiders.

I am a fiery bitch today, because of issues going on. My Mediterranean ancestry is certainly noticeable today because a lot of people have riled me up! Beware as I am a super angry Italian mama today, I am usually very passive and calm as far as the rest of my family is concerned! This is a rarity of mine! But don’t piss me off today, as I am not holding back!

The only person I have patience with right now is my son, who is actually 40% of the problem, but he can’t help it!

Then strangers online have the audacity to put their insecure shit on me because I’m not there for them when they demand it!  They challenge what I say and get bitchy or they become drama llamas, I mean, come on – you don’t actually know me do you?  What gives you the right to add to my problems right now?  Are you ever going to be in my life? 

I very much doubt all of you will be!  There are six individuals this is aimed at and I will block them if they start this crap one more time, because I don’t need any more toxicity in my life thank you very much!  Get off your high horse and take a walk, if that’s how you’re going to treat me, because right now, I have REAL things going in my life I don’t need to take on FAKE problems like you!

I am sorry to say, but you mean nothing to me unless you are in my life or making an effort to be a TRUE friend.

Be realistic guys, are you genuinely in my life?  No, you six individuals have only spoken to me less than five times in your whole life online – yet you think you can get away with trying to get a reaction from me, like a clingy baby?

Grow up!

For those who read my blog a lot, I wholeheartedly apologise for posting this, but I need to get this out there.

Please understand.

Thanks for reading…

A little bit of me

Sorry I forgot to schedule something for today, didn’t mean for this to be late.

My ultimate favourite colour is Royal Purple, followed by lime green, orange and chocolate brown.

I dislike the colour grey in anything other than suits and rocks and I dislike large blocks of white or ivory colours.

My ultimate favourite animal in the whole wide world are dogs, followed by goats, guinea pigs, rabbits, cheetahs, corvids (crows, magpies, ravens), snakes, bats and bears.

I didn’t have arachnophobia until I have been bitten several times because I picked spiders up and I developed an allergy to their bites, which is saying something because in the UK our spiders aren’t venomous generally.

I laugh, cry and talk in my sleep.

The more nervous I am or worried about anything, the less likely I am to shut up, I can talk for hours!

I say “ooh” quite a lot if I am excited or find something interesting.

I am like a squirrel with a huge caffeine rush generally, but especially after eating sugary food, exercising or having sex. Energiser bunny indeed!

I always forget grape tomatoes squirt when cut wrong!

My nervous stomach can be quite loud at times and often the subject of embarrassment.

I can’t be physically active or go for a walk within fifteen minutes of eating, as I have slow digestion issues and activity after eating will make me ill.

When given a hot beverage, I am the last to drink it because I can’t drink molten lava like the rest of the world, so in order to be social I shrug and ask for water as people tend to take my undrunk tea away before I am ready and I never get to drink anything!

I struggle to be graceful with biscuits/cookies as to me they are all bite sized… in public I am well behaved but at home, I am faster than the cookie monster and put them in my mouth whole like a greedy little gannet.  This is why I like American cookies; it makes me look less savage as they are so big!

I appear to be in a constant state of awe and wonder, primarily because I am – the world is baffling to me and beautiful.

I am prone to mixing my words up and having what is referred to as “spoonerisms”, or I am prone to forgetting the name of things, people and words in general.  You know, like that big round thing that bounces?  A what you call it… sphere like thing… ball!  That’s it – ball!

One famous spoonerism I had whilst living with Paul was “buttered nymph” I can’t remember what I actually wanted to say to him.

Sometimes my brain works too fast and that’s why I have them.  For example I might want to say “what a superb plinth” but it might come out as “Splinth”.

My spleen swells when I have mustard or soy, I am also sort of allergic to pineapple –cooked pineapple is ok, but sometimes raw makes my mouth swell for some reason.  I can’t eat flax/linseed either because of the spleen. 

I hate marmite.

Favourite ice-cream flavour is probably raspberry ripple or chocolate mint or strawberry. 

I hate pistachio ice-cream.

I have insomnia and hypersomnia, so weird and so I sleep whenever I can.

I have asthma, rheumatic arthritis, IBD, IBS, Auto-immune inner ear disease, pernicious anaemia, PTSD and a disabled left hand due to twisted tendons as 100% confirmed conditions.

I have had fifteen operations in my whole life, only three of them major. The worst one was when I was a teenager I had a full mastoidectomy which took to years to recover fully from. For two whole years I couldn’t bend over, turn suddenly, move my head fast, or wash my hair without assistance. My mastoid infection was ignored by my mum until it was really too late, almost.

The consultant who saved my life said he had never seen an infection that bad in his whole forty year career, give or take forty eight hours and the infection would have eaten into my brain he estimated.

This is why I gave up swimming and judo as potential careers.

My PTSD is triggered by aggressive people, shouting and sudden moves near me that is fast and unexpected.  I am quite jumpy to sudden things, if I know what to expect I am generally quite calm.

I have to have special treatment when I go to the dentist because medical procedures of the mouth are a bad anxiety trigger for me, because of bad things happening to me when I was young.  Being forced fed to the point the fork ripped my mouth, having a doctor be impatient with me they split my lip when they needed to give me treatment in hospital and a bunch of other things.

If you look very closely to my mouth, you’ll see they are uneven because of the scars, well maybe not; Paul has been looking for years and reckons he can’t see it.

I have a hearing aid for the left ear.  I should have one for the right too, but I have a condition of the inner ear which causes my right ear in particular to have eczema inside it, so I am advised never to wear a hearing aid in that ear – so I am completely deaf in that ear. 

Despite being deaf I have never learned to sign.  I am considered profoundly deaf and eligible for a hearing dog; I rely heavily on vibration, like a bat really… and lip reading.  Echoic places are difficult for me as are dense places where sound can’t flow from wall to wall.

I have to wear corrective lenses all the time because I am so short sighted I can’t see my own feet without them, thanks to a head injury I sustained from my mum when I was 10yrs old, lucky she didn’t blind me as I have astigmatism.

My biggest goal in life was to have five children and I haven’t succeeded in that, yet; awfully jealous of large loving families.

When in a relationship I like to touch and be touched a lot as I was attention starved as a child and crave physical attention almost all the time, unfortunately I consider myself to be a bit clingy when I find someone who reciprocates.  Touch is addictive, except the times when your hands get too sweaty because you held them for too long and me being in a constant state of anxiety means that too long could be a whole minute – lol.  Well time to lock arms then, eh?

Outside of my hobbies, writing, reading and normal schedules, I do tend to need to be guided to do other things as I get stuck in a rut a lot.  It’s difficult when I have a partner who just lets me get on with things too much and if I chose to do nothing, well, that’s OK to them.  I don’t like that, I hate not being useful and challenged.

I am very competitive and I end up with very humble unassuming people who are very laid back – it’s hard to improve around people like that.  I need the stimulation from others to improve myself and I love competition!

I am a very goal oriented/motivated person, but it’s hard doing it when no one else is reminding you or even nagging you about it!

I remember going for a jog before I got ill and found it hard to do three laps around the park, Paul’s attitude was, well let’s go and sit down then.  I didn’t need to hear that, I needed to be told, come on you can finish this lap at least and have them motivate me by showing me they aren’t tired yet either.  Pah, but people like that are gold dust to me!

I have to admit living with Paul has made me incredibly lazy as there is nothing to push me and I have progressively got less fit, this is why I made the changes in my life early this summer.  It was all a way of me getting fit enough to socialise and find those kinds of people to bring into my life again – because this life I have right now is really boring.

But as much as I like to be humble and modest, I will admit one thing and that is I am a huge attention whore!  I like praise, I like to be noticed, I like people being friendly to me and I love compliments!

Why?

Because I love feeling loved and I love loving.

There is a dark side to me too, one thing I am slightly, only slightly, ashamed of and that is when I was slimmer, I enjoyed peoples envy.  They envied my hourglass figure, they envied my hair, they envied the attention I got from men and I do miss that.

But despite the envy I was never horrible.  I always tried to make people feel good about themselves if they are nice, but I did enjoy that they envied me, because there is one major vice I have and that is I am prone to being the green eyed monster and so it made a change someone else was envious of me instead.

I hold grudges if people are mean to me.  I try not to, but I was raised by a mega bitch and the apple didn’t fall too far regarding this trait.  If someone hurts my feelings, I will pay it back sometimes.  But mostly I am just passive aggressive or I keep away from the person for diplomacy sake.  The problem comes when I avoid people and they ask why – because I am so damned blunt and honest!

Paul has often said I can destroy a person with just one sentence, ouch.

Luckily though, I think I’ve changed a bit.  I am slow to react these days because I have realised people generally can’t help themselves for being rude.  So I plodder on until they get too obnoxious.

But gosh am I easy to rile up if I know someone else thought the same as I did about a person?

I prefer kindness. Treat everyone as your favourite cousin and make them feel good wherever possible.

My creativity is a funny thing; I find inspiration in the weirdest of places.  I am a cloud gazer for example and I see funny shapes in shadows on blankets etc.  Sometimes when my glasses are off, I mistake a leaf under the table for a fairy peeking at me.

But that’s a little insight to me.

Happy reading…

Hey people

To the people who talk about me to Paul, why don’t you ask me questions yourself? (didn’t mean for that to sound rude).

Paul is getting uncomfortable with it all and I really like talking to people lol – gosh I sound desperate! TheTardyCreative@gmail.com

I’ve heard rumours he gets a lot of messages about me from random people and he doesn’t like answering things, me though, I am a big talker… within reason.

I’ve got nothing to hide!

Happy reading!

I need a place

There are people who love me but they are not close

There are people who judge me without knowing me, the weirdos

There are things I know but I just can’t explain

Perhaps this is what it means to be insane?

I see things that aren’t really there

I hear voices that seem to really care

I know a place that I call home

But it doesn’t exist, so I continue to roam

I am awkward and I’m not at peace

I wish that life would just ease

I need to know where I belong

I need find others to sing with, who understands my song

I am lonely and I want to be

Completely and utterly without adversary

I need a place to call my own

I need my dream life before I’m a crone

Why are only aliens nice?

I feel like an alien in this world as I am in a constant state of confusion.

Everything puzzles me. 

I feel lost and very lonely most of the time and before you think, you should know this is not a poem.

This is a post of statements of how I currently feel.

There are days when I feel like I have stepped into a groundhog day, I am sure I have done this day before?  There are days when I wake up and I am sure that it is Friday, but it isn’t it is actually only Wednesday.

I have an understanding of how the world should be, but I am not an oppressive, I love the individuality of everyone I meet, but it can be hard when I think that what I do is right and proper and I have people gawp at me as though I am some kind of purple spotted beast who just farted in their faces!

Yet all I did was, what I thought was any common decent thing to do – please may you pass the salt?  Maybe the people I generally spend time with are not used to manners like that?  I don’t know, but they make me feel like I am a strange and complicated thing.

I dare to be polite to serving staff at cafes and do small talk with them, how dare I… the staff don’t react badly to it, but other customers and those who are with me at my table seem to think there is something odd about that.  “Do you know them”?  They ask almost accusingly – “No”, I reply.  Most strange isn’t it? Apparently so!

I have had some friends who are on the same wavelength as me and they appreciate this personality in me and they have suggested what they call another cropping of my contacts!  I shouldn’t feel alienated by being polite or simply just conversational and friendly – but people like me seem to be a minority and it is getting worse as years go on.

The people at your local supermarket and those who serve you green tea at the café and the teacher at your child’s school are people, they are not machines, you can be nice to them you know?  It would make the world a better place to do so, would change the way humanity progresses… try it!

Be nice, you never know, you might enjoy the outcome!

Happy reading!

You can’t judge a person by their face

A person can be many behind their familiar visage

A person of good will or an evil doer at large

No one knows the truth in them, not everything they know

So when someone who is kind to you, to another it isn’t so

A face can have so many forms, depending on who you are

To one they are a devil from the depths of Hell, to you a wondrous star

So when others try to defame the one you love, always remember this

That love isn’t always truth and kindness and ignorance isn’t bliss

But do not put down the truth-sayer when you hear things that may not feel right

Because you don’t know the blamed one in both their darkness and their light

You can’t tell who someone is, not everyone’s a book

You can’t judge a person by their face; there are things you will overlook

People change in the shades of time, people grow old and wise

Some become more stupid, others will surprise

But just because you love someone, do not be blind to truth

Always listen with an opened mind, a good heart try to accept the truth

Not a poem, food food thought

The world is a confusing place.

Everyone wants acceptance and yet they all criticise others.

Everyone wants peace of mind and yet they will still hold grudges and set themselves up for failure or arguments.

Some people want a better life, yet instead of trying to find a way to make their lives better they would rather end it instead.

It is easier to hate than to love for many.

It is easier to ignore than to question.

Everybody wants a better world but no one is ready for the effort and strife to make it better.

A single person has a lot of power, yet they choose not to use it, because they have no time, energy, health, they have other commitments – so they sit and watch TV or play online games for three hours without fail every evening; instead of doing something constructive that will either improve their lives, the lives of their family members, a sad friend or their environment, it is strange, but true.  They would rather poison their bodies with junk food, alcohol and drugs, than spend that extra fifteen minutes in the kitchen to make something healthier for them, something that will prolong their life and give them better mobility or health.

A lot of people would rather not see that they are doing this because then that would mean that they have admitted to being a failure in some way; they can’t pass the buck, they can’t blame anyone but themselves if they realise and admit it.  People can’t stand being wrong or thinking that they are more ignorant than they know.

People would rather walk out in difficult situations rather than solve them, they would rather break up or divorce someone than work it out – because of the time and energy and self-satisfaction factor.  If you want a relationship you need to look first at how much you get along with the person in a non-romantic setting, are you good friends?  Then you have to question whether or not you both have the same life goals, morals and ethics, then after these things are established and known, you should have a relationship together and once in that relationship it should be easy to focus each other on remaining with each other, supporting each other as friends, working things out like a team – not abandoning ship.  If you feel you are a person who cannot be strictly monogamous for goodness sake be honest about it before you let someone get too deep with you – the world is more liberal than you think!

People have got to start becoming more open with the people who are involved in their lives.  They have to work together, work things out, they have to get out of the habit of this throw away culture – because people are treating other people like material possessions too much – this will eventually lead to us all losing our humanity, it is bad enough as it is with the millennial generations mobile device addiction, let alone allowing ourselves to continue how we’ve always been.

Humanity needs to concentrate very deeply on their psychology, on the way that they think, how they handle things.  No more should people just simply walk away when the going gets tough, because that will never solve anything and will only poison your spiritual environment more and more, attracting more negativity to you.

We are probably the loneliest generations ever known to human earth.  More and more we are cutting ourselves off from others.  It was said once that the average human was close to 120 people at all times with around 1000 known acquaintances – but recently that figure has dropped to a contemporary socialite having only 26 close contacts and around 300 acquaintances – online people you have never met do not count – if it did, I would be extremely gregarious!

Fifty years ago it would be normal if a friend knew you were sick and lived in the same street, to come and visit you and make sure you didn’t need any help and would make a fuss about helping you even if you didn’t want it – these days, they could care less.  So long as visit and visiting is exactly 50/50 split, like tennis, taking turns one after the other, they couldn’t be bothered to come and see how you are – even family life is becoming like this.  I have never liked the concept of a nuclear family, I always wanted to have a lot of children, but ill-health dictated that to me as well.  I do not like it, I would love nothing better than to have around five children and a little organic smallholding in a suburban place somewhere as I can’t do strict rural again.

I’m really very lucky at growing vegetables in particular, they seem to yield more than average for their type and are always bigger than expected, I have often been told I should attend vegetable shows, but I would feel silly doing that, sometimes people in those contests get a bit daft.  Now if I was to show anything, it would be dogs and guinea pigs, I would love to do that eventually.

The purpose of this post and like many more to come is to broaden your mind and help you see how you can try to have a better and happier life.  I am going to stop writing more to this now as I have noticed I am losing focus and it is 5am when I am writing this on 19^th January 2020.  I will schedule this for later in the week, because I have a lot of things going on at the moment.  I am not yet over the pneumonia though I feel better today, but in the next few days I have several medical appointments to get to as well as an ESA medical and another minor operation (not sure they’d entertain that if they know I have a chest infection, it has been cancelled 6 times before because of serious sinus, throat and chest infections, it takes 6 months each time to get a new appointment).

Wandering in my mind (Wimm) 1

I am watching the mass of people that have gathered here today expecting something new and unique to show them.  They are watching me with patient curiosity as to where I will take them today, the man who is slightly balding in his mid-forties is grinning with anticipation and scratching gently his wrist around his watch and the beautiful auburn young lady in her early twenties beams at me and clasps her hands in front of her.  I shan’t disappoint them, or the many others besides.

There is an icy chill in the air, a large bonfire crackles in the moonlight behind me and I turn to it to add another log to the fire, a scent of lavender fills the air as a beautiful blond lady in blue silks and a medieval gown throws a large bundle of lavender into the fire.  We sit down, this lady and I, upon felled wood and I play upon a pear wood recorder as she begins to recite a poem sang in beautiful Latin about the coming of snow, it is a haunting piece which fills the gathered audience with solemn peace and nostalgia, though they don’t audibly understand the words she is singing, they can understand it by the lilt and chill of her voice along with the biting of the air around them.  The young lady with auburn hair is almost overcome by the power of the ladies voice and others take in deep sighs and close their eyes as they soak in the night air.

Men dressed in blue velvet and silver medieval court clothes pass around toasted vanilla flavoured marshmallows to the audience, a taste of warm sweet snow, a great paradox to the subject of the song.  The marshmallows fill the audience with hope of warmer climes to come, a glimpse that it shan’t be forever cold, that tonight is just an interim and those come and go quickly.