April 21, 2023 · 11:15
Could I ever trust a kind word?
A soft touch of the hand
Could I ever believe the words softly spoken in my ear?
Should I believe the promises of new, like I did yesteryear?
Although the people are different
Should I treat them all the same?
Or should I treat each differently, as different as their name?
Should I grasp at straws to accept that they are different than those?
Or should I risk discrimination and spite my own nose?
Will I ever love quite freely and feel secure in trust?
Or is confidence of another, something I’ll always lust?
Perhaps someday I’ll find them
Someone who is honest and loving too
And then maybe I’ll trust again
Who knows, it could be you?
But till then I keep on wondering, if I’ll ever know
If I could believe in another, like I did long ago
Filed under poetry
Tagged as believe, discrimination, honest, loving, lust, poem, poetry, promises, secure, true, trust
March 24, 2023 · 11:15
Silent, lest we betray our promises
Ever close to our hearts
Curiosity bites at our ankles
Ridiculously and childishly they pester for information
Elegantly springing from the snaps
The mouths that wish to know
Selling out not once
Written 11:28am 14th March 2023
February 28, 2023 · 20:40
One thing about me is I am good at not showing negative emotions. Online it seems like I am a drama queen that I am suckered into my emotions and I go to dark places and I seem self-absorbed.
Offline however, I hide it. I hide myself when I am down so I don’t bring down others I am around.
I am an empath; I soak up energies of other people, even just by thinking about them I can kind of get a feel what’s going on in their lives. So I respect that other people might be empathic too.
It’s a real hard adjustment living with someone who is as apathetic in life as I am; it’s like a prison of despair in a very real sense.
I never used to be like this. I am trapped in depression because I am around apathetic or superficial people, or people who just seem unemotional a lot of the time.
I used to be such a happy Pollyanna type; those days seem very far away right now.
I am getting to the point I am losing my strength to fight it and carry on, I am getting into a hopeless place.
Gradually over the months I’ve lost more and more of my appetite, to the extent I think soon I will not even bother to try and eat. I have only just realised today that it’s actually probably due to depression that I can’t eat, because on the days I have been able to eat a little more, things have been a little lighter around me.
I am doing less and less as time goes by, it’s like I am a clockwork doll which is about to lose her energy at any moment and there is no one left to wind me up again. Isolation has done that to me, isolation and a lazy superficial person I live with.
I needed Samaritans today, but I am deaf, I can’t speak on the phone – they don’t do text speech yet in my area apparently, but it’s coming soon…
Will it come soon enough?
I try to hide when I cry, I don’t like people seeing me like that, imagine how awkward it was for me when Henry walked in on me because I lost track of time and he came home from school and rushed to my bedroom to give me one of his ever increasingly rare hello hugs and instantly his smile became a face of concern.
Guilt, that’s what hit me when I saw his face, cold hard guilt.
I had my hoodie up and I shielded my eyes but he is a smart boy, he wasn’t convinced when I faked a cold.
He demanded to know what caused it and hugged me as he became firm about getting to the bottom of it.
He left eventually.
What bothers me is not that he caught me, but that his father came into the room just ten minutes before completely unfazed by how he found me. He never asked any questions other than when I wanted dinner and was eager to leave again without battering an eyelid. When Paul left, I got worse, because one of the reasons why I was upset was because I felt lonely and I felt no one could care if I were to die tomorrow.
To me, this proved it.
No one but Henry would.
Perhaps I am selfish, perhaps I am a drama queen – perhaps tomorrow I will snap out of it?
But right now, I am losing heart to try anymore.
I am tired of broken dreams, broken promises, and snapshots of a better future without any proof or real taste of it. I am tired of the lies; I am tired of people using me as a pawn in a game.
I am tired.
Thanks for reading…
Filed under About Me
Tagged as apathy, appetite, awkward, cold, cry, dark, depression, doll, drama queen, Dreams, emotions, empathy, future, game, hope, imagine, lies, Pollyanna, promises, Samaritans, selfish, suicide, superficial
November 15, 2022 · 07:55
Balconies and black scarfs
A party behind closed doors
Laughter and dancing
Merriment fills us to the core
Red lips and biting
Our game is bittersweet
Promises of eternity make us both complete
Golden gowned you saw me
Shining bright and true
Because you knew when you saw me
I am just like you
No scarf to hide my commitment
I am not ashamed of you
We’ll be together I know it
Until our lives are through
October 16, 2022 · 11:15
I walk through this world broken hearted
I can’t find who or where you are
But know this, I need you
You, the man from my dreams
The one who promises me everything
But the only thing I want is you
Your warm embrace
Your firm and loving words
Your guidance and protection
February 17, 2016 · 13:35
My rabbit died today. His name was Rozzy, a masculine version of his original name Rosehip because Pets@Home thought he was a girl and I took him home thinking OK girl name it is then, well my husband and I at the time was obsessed with herbal teas particularly rosehip so we figured that would suit him; it didn’t occur to us to call him anything else even though he was snowy white with tiny pale flecks of grey and big floppy ears, he was a dwarf rabbit they said.
Well anyway, this was in October 2009 and I was two months pregnant with my soon to be son Henry. Around Christmas time I decided that Rosehip was in fact male, because I had rabbits before and they were usually male and chosen by accident not design and he showed he had the stuff down there for being male – I double checked, yes, he was male alright, so Rosehip became Rozzy. Rozzy means fuzzy hair, which suited him a lot as his hair between his ears stuck up like some Mohican.
He also didn’t turn out to be a dwarf rabbit either; he was as big as a cat when he died.
He hadn’t had a good life in comparison to my other pets in my life, in my personal opinion.
His first few months was excellent, he was a house rabbit and I didn’t want anything else to happen to him, I wanted him indoors with us all the time, being that it was impossible to have a dog at that point in time. He was well trained, let loose in the lounge most of the day and locked in his (recommended by the pet shop) 80cm cage!
When I was 7 months pregnant the pregnancy didn’t go too well for me, in fact I became almost physically disabled, I couldn’t bend or crouch down, particularly when I got to 32 weeks, an old lady out walked me with her Zimmer frame and asked if I was alright! That’s how bad I got, I was so embarrassed! I was 27 and outwalked by a granny with a zimmer! The baby kept lying in difficult positions. My mother was coming to stay, I thought, to help me because I am having a bad time with the pregnancy and was warned that the baby might be premature – well little did I know but she had planned to turn my whole world upside-down, she insisted the rabbit be moved into the utility room, so we did this, because she bought her dog with her and he is a terrier breed.
I could barely get out there to visit my rabbit. Eventually when the baby was born, mother left the day after I went home from hospital – she had no intention of keeping her promise to me and teaching me how to bathe the baby, change the nappy, etc, I had to learn all of this from midwives!
I could never understand why she lived with me for seven weeks during my pregnancy and then went back to London the day after the baby comes home! What was the point in coming at all?
To top it all, the baby was in hospital for the first 5 days of his life with an infection, so I was at my wits end and I was calmed at the idea my mother had nursing experience. She didn’t look at it that way and went anyway. She redecorated my house when I was in hospital without permission, things were moved from places they should have been kept and it took us ages to find them all again.
I was wrapped up with the baby for the first 2 months and then I started to go and see my rabbit in the utility again; Paul looked after him for me. I decided that I would like him moved back into the lounge but the midwives and other people said it would be unhygienic for the baby and that the baby might develop allergies or asthma because of the straw.
I wasn’t happy.
I said to my husband that I was about to play bingo online and that if I won anything over £50 I would get a hutch and have the rabbit outside as I would take it as a sign. I won £150! So out he went, reluctantly, to live in the garden, just before autumn of 2010.
Pauls family, my dad, and Paul himself did a lot to try and make the garden decent for my rabbit. But then I got ill and Paul got tied up with all of my chores as well as his own, raising the baby, caring for the pets (as I have more than just a rabbit, I have guinea pigs too), so the garden wasn’t kept good, the utility room became a hoarders haven and because of that, I couldn’t get out into the garden myself unless Paul was there for support as I have chronic vertigo and other disabilities. So I personally only got to see the rabbit to touch him about four times a year.
I promised the rabbit that if I came into any more money, I would buy a large cage on wheels and bring him back in with me, but that didn’t happen until last week. I won £300 last week and I found that a cage 120cm was being sold on ebay for £40. I got it and it was delivered Monday – unfortunately the whole household has flu, I still have it, but I needed to write about this today. I feel so guilty about his life and I feel this is the biggest example of SODS LAW I’ve ever known. My husband had promised that even though he had flu, he would have tried today if it wasn’t raining to get the rabbit moved into the new cage – well it rained today, but the rabbit died this morning and I am so sad, angry at myself, angry at sods law and I just wished he knew I kept my promise to him!
Poor Rozzy. He is buried under the ash tree in the garden with his 5 siblings. 3 guinea pigs and 2 hamsters. Scrabble, Checkers, Autumn, Donald and Bella. His sister Rowan was told and I don’t believe any scientist that tells me that animals don’t understand people, because she shed a tear! She knew him, she was put into a play pen in front of his hutch in the summers with her sister Autumn, Ruby never knew Rozzy her big brother (Ruby is another guinea pig that is companion to Rowan, she is tiny and Rowan became her mum when she moved in as I believe the seller sold Ruby too young, because Ruby had toilet trouble when she first moved in and Rowan helped lick her to help her).
My little boy wants another rabbit. But his dad says no, not yet, he also asked me if I would like to get the girls (my guinea pig duo) another one to two girls to live with them or a boar? Paul used to be a guinea pig breeder (hobbyist) he once had 50 guinea pigs all to himself, he said he misses it.
I only ever had the 5 guinea pigs since I lived here with him. I would love to see baby guinea pigs. They live indoors and they are not the sinus problem, because I had them moved out for a few weeks and it made no difference to me whatsoever.
I love pets. I don’t have much money right now to have more than just 2 cages of guinea pigs, approximately 6 guinea pigs. But if I had more money, I would be like my godmother, Gina. She is like the female equivalent of Ace Ventura! In her glory days (as I call it) she had this amounts of pets = 9 cats, 6 dogs, 6 rabbits, 2 ducks, 6 terrapins, 2 guinea pigs, 6 cockatiels, an aquarium of fish, 3 rats and 3 budgies, she also whilst having all of these to herself, had a donkey for 2 months but had to give it up due to expense and unruly behaviour! Her eldest daughter would also get her mum to babysit her pets for her from time to time, two more dogs.
I would never keep birds though, but chickens or ducks are OK. Cats don’t like me generally and Paul don’t like cats – I am loved by most dogs though, the bigger the dog I’ve noticed, the more likely it chooses me for its pal! I don’t know if it’s because I look like I can handle them and they think, PERFECT the mama is big! I am 5ft 7 and large and prone to gaining muscle when I exercise too easily!
I can see me having 12 chickens, 3 dogs, 30 guinea pigs, 4 rabbits and 6 hamsters, maybe if I had room goats or pigs and always a large aquarium. Well, that’s my dream.
I would like lizards and snakes, but my husband can’t do them, or rats. I don’t mind any animal, as long as it isn’t spiders. I would even love a fruit bat!
People cringe at me, because I will kiss any animal. Trained my guinea pigs to kiss me, kissed a rat, kissed a snake, and kissed a camel. I am very kissable!
I don’t have parrots sitting on my shoulders, I have Irish Wolfhounds. That was typical when I visited Gina, her Irish wolfhound Amy loved me so much she would use me as a chair. Some fete for a huge dog! A lot of pain for my shoulders! I had to sit back on the sofa, rigid so the dog wouldn’t lose its balance!
I nearly worked with animals on 4 occasions, when I lived with my mum. Every occasion she made me forget the idea. I even had job interviews with vets to train as an auxiliary nurse. I had been accepted to become a police dog trainer, as I am very good at training dogs to do almost anything I want them to, I have a knack with them. I also applied to work for the dog kennels but mum wasn’t happy about that either as I would only be earning £100 a week. The other job was to train to be a dog groomer.
Anyway, I should wrap this up and stop the trips down memory lane of all the animals I ever knew, as the list would be astronomical! Seriously, had too many pets in my experience, too many animal friends instead of people friends. So, I hope you enjoyed this post.
Rest in peace my little bunny xxx
Filed under About Me
Tagged as Ace Ventura, angry, animal, animals, aquarium, ash tree, Autumn, baby, bella, bird, birds, breeder, broken promises, brother, budgies, bunny, cage, camel, cat, cats, checkers, chicken, chickens, cockatiel, death, decoration, died, disabilities, dog, dogs, donald, dying, eBay, emotion, emotional, finances, fish, flu, fruit bat, Gina, goat, guinea pig, guinea pigs, hamster, hamsters, Henry, hoarding, hobbyist, husband, hutch, infection, influenza, Irish Wolfhound, jobs, kissed, kissing, lizard, love, loved, midwives, money, morbid, mum, nature, parents, Paul, pet, pets, pig, pregnancy, pregnant, promises, rabbit, rabbits, rat, rats, reptile, reptiles, rosehip, rowan, rozzy, ruby, sad, science, scientist, scrabble, sibling, sinus, sister, snake, sods law, spiders, terrapin, utility
November 2, 2013 · 11:41
Go to sleep and all your wishes will come true they say
I tried to sleep but was dismayed
I couldn’t sleep, well, not that deep
I was full of excited energy, my essence wanted to play
I am sleepy now, tired, and woeful that I didn’t sleep
I hope my wishes aren’t lost, wiped away by a sweep
They’ll try again, they always say
To get me back to where I belong
But I am tired of them repeating, the same old song
My soul cries loudly and my essence is dying
It’s dying of many broken hearts
For I love quite deep and I love a lot
Yet I feel forgotten and left to rot
I need their warm embrace
I don’t need false promises wrapped in pretty lace
Filed under poetry
Tagged as dream, essence, heart, lace, love, poem, poetry, promises, prose, rhyme, sleep, song, soul, wish, wishes