The elevator dream

I had a dream last night, it was very strange.

I dreamt I was in an elevator that kept going up and down, but when it was up I was in a hospital like place, which also kind of felt like a hotel – I felt I lived there and I did art and crafts and things whilst there.

But then I knew I had a husband who was on a lower level, so I went into the elevator to go and see him a lot.

When I was with my husband in his lower levels, it was like gothic luxury – red and black furniture, high quality, living in a space that was almost like a luxury penthouse or something – not like a hospital at all.

Each time I went to visit him; he was getting further and further away, to lower and lower levels.

Until eventually at full speed, the elevator took ten minutes and nearly a thousand levels or more to get to him.

Also with every visit he was getting more and more affectionate and excited to see me and I knew I was becoming addicted to my visits, because I would stay in my own levels for shorter periods of time! 

On the last trip, the elevator spoke to me and said that “my husband feels that our relationship is strained”. 

What is weird is that, the man I kept visiting wasn’t anyone I am currently in a relationship with (I am not in a relationship right now… to my knowledge lol) and each time I visited him he was in fancy dress – so kept changing!

In the elevator hearing that he felt our relationship was strained, I became distraught and frightened instantly and started to panic, but the elevator never got to him, and it was going faster and faster and falling lower and lower into thousands upon thousands of levels – I woke up just as real tears were starting in my eyes.

Weird.

Thanks for reading!

Emotionally promiscuous

One thing about me and my poetry is that sometimes I have relapses.

There might be nothing negative going on in my life at all at the time, but then I sit back and I think about something and the old fears come back to haunt me.

What’s worse about all of it is how lonely I am and isolated.  How I haven’t got anyone to really care or love me as pathetic as it sounds.  It’s worse because not only am I needy, I am emotionally promiscuous (though a good girl generally) lol and confirmation bias.

I don’t whine, it’s not my nature.  I am a considerate depressant.

I try to stay happy for people around me; I try not to sap their energy.  I literally shut myself away in a room of my own and absorb myself in gloomy poetry giving you the misconception that this must be my personality – some tragic depressant who mopes around all day looking glum and ugly.

But it’s not true.

I’m one of the happy go lucky people who walks around like some kind of summer camp rep so nobody really knows what’s going on inside me, unless they live with me and catch me out!

I do everything I can to make life a happy place for others, I live for others, I am not motivated by my own selfish needs – this is why I found it essential for me to be “in the lifestyle” (BDSM lifestyle, specifically TPE).

That kind of lifestyle makes me motivated to do things consistently, because my partner or Master as they are usually known, will ensure I don’t have time to think and dwell or makes me utterly focus on them and their needs and expectations. 

I don’t mean to sound horrible or anything, but I wasn’t depressed before I moved in with Paul, my depression was diagnosed at a hospital when Henry was around five months old as being post-natal depression, which I found was wrong because I had absolutely no negative feelings for Henry; Just going through a bad patch with my mum and getting down in life in general because of the state of the house.  I explained this to them, but they wouldn’t have it.

I was at the hospital because of chronic heartburn being mistaken for a heart attack, by the way – at the time my blood pressure was sky high and still hadn’t regulated after the birth!  103 over 145 I think it was at the time!

I was hospitalised regularly with blood pressure and extreme morning sickness when I was pregnant with Henry, morning sickness was so bad I lost approximately thirty pounds in weight before he was even born!

Anyway, I digress…

The fact of the matter is – my poetry sometimes seems aimed at people specifically but it’s not.  People from my distant past maybe and fears about possible reoccurrences in the future in new people – but most of the time, it’s just current bouts of fear and uncertainty.

I’m scared you see.

I’ve given myself a time line, that if something hasn’t drastically changed in my life by April (and I don’t mean career wise, I mean on a personal level), then I think I am likely to do something stupid.

Because I’ve had enough of not getting any sort of comfort, love, security, health, warmth and happiness.

With this to be considered first things first – I will reluctantly try and get into the lifestyle again around the end of March to test the water and see what’s available for a forty year old – not much I know, a submissive should be between 21 and 30 by most master standards, especially if they want to have a family, like I do.  I may extend my deadline to the end of May, depends.

But generally in my past, when I’ve been on those sites I’ve found someone and moved in with them in less than a month – I’ve always moved fast in relationships, I am impulsive like that!  But I have to consider I am fourteen years older than I was the last time I was on there and overweight, with a tooth missing and no professional qualifications or good health to inspire a new master to take me on.

Especially not in the roles I was used to at the time – I was a consensual slave, not a submissive – a vast difference and I was always involved in what they call a princess slave role, an alpha slave girl of a poly household – this meant I was trained to keep other girls in line, because I can switch.

Thing is, it’s difficult if there are masters who switch too, because I find it difficult domming a master who I love and respect, in a humiliating way.  In a passive way, fine, like letting them suck my toes and worship my body etc. – but the whole spitting on them and that I can’t do – because I respect them too much!

I also had daddy dominants, I am very playful by my very nature and never really grew up – but I am not infantilised if you understand me?  But I can roleplay really well!

I was also a kitten girl for a time too, but that’s pretty boring as you are animalised and aren’t expected to be human.  I liked reading books and the master I had back then found it amusing I wanted to read, and relented occasionally to giving me books to read inside my cage.  Yes I had a cage.  I was a part time live out kitten girl. 

Boring for someone who thrives on chores, cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing etc. -I am very domestic! 

I don’t do well in vanilla (normal) relationships because my partners get annoyed at me constantly asking their opinions on things – which dress should I wear today?  What should I eat?  What should I do today?  I am perfectly happy to hand that level of control over to a person – depending on how healthy it is and safe Etc. 

I was very sought after before I moved in with Paul because I hadn’t very many limits and I am a pain slut, as they call them, women who find pleasure with certain types of pain.  Most of my limits were due to medical reasons, or squeamishness that resorted to play not being very fun!  Or anything that triggered my PTSD, such as humiliation – that’s a hard limit!  I’m a praise worth, I function better with praise, attention and tenderness.

Around the right people my confidence can bloom or crash, depends on them and depends on circumstances, with the right people I feel as though I can do anything and I can become a bit of a daredevil if I feel, safe, loved and protected!

I don’t like masters who like breaking people down to rebuild them, I like the kind that wants the best from a charge and always thinks the best for their charge, the kind that see their good girls as precious and when they are bad they will know it!

If I am lucky to find someone before May, I’ll live – but my blog may be closed, depends on the master.  I surrender completely to the right ones.

If not, I can’t guarantee I’d want to carry on to be honest.

I am getting older; all I want is love, a family, a purpose.  As I said I am never motivated for myself and there is no incentive to stay here, I am not needed here with Paul.

But it’s scary because a new master could do anything and I will tolerate a lot until I think things are too unsafe.  I really don’t want to come back to Paul again, but he is my safety net – he’s promised.

I was sought after for another reason too – I don’t need micromanaging like most!  I have a brain, I use it and I have been trained to determine what the master wants, because I pay attention!  I ask a lot of questions, which isn’t always ideal for most – but the good ones appreciate it, because they know I am trying to make an effort to understand them and adjust for them.

Another of my limits is, I won’t submit to women – absolutely not!  They can submit to me however, but never try to make me less than the best female in the room!

I have a jealous heart and I like being smug and precious.

So shoot me, guilt trip me, do whatever you want – but I am proud to be me!

I know you will miss me if I find someone who doesn’t like me blogging and I know the world will lose what you call “a talent”, but hopefully I will be happier.

Who knows?

There are a lot of bad masters out there, I know…

Just felt I needed to explain myself is all!

This is why I like men with big egos, smart, social, virile and sarcastic – pure heaven if they are into the lifestyle and have a knack for motivating others in a positive, robust and fun and patient kind of way!

Thanks for reading! 

Isolation & cabin fever

I have a very boring life.

Seriously, since Covid hit the world my life has been boring and extremely isolating!

I have a weak chest, I have asthma, but I have also survived pneumonia four times over the past eight years the second from last bout nearly killed me!

Therefore this has meant I am one of the few thousand vulnerable who is so scared of going out that I haven’t left the house since July 28^th and that was to have a tooth pulled!

I didn’t start going to the library like I said I would at the end of November.

Though I caught Covid19 on Thursday the day before Good Friday 2022, I did pretty well – I wasn’t hospitalised at least and it was around 9 weeks after my first ever Covid vaccine. 

I am sharing this because there are rumours going around that I no longer live with Paul as nobody has seen me in months!  Believe me I am still here, I am just hiding from all the germs!

Because I can’t find a mask that is safe enough to wear whilst having asthma, my asthma is still pretty bad and I don’t breathe very well through my nose because of sinus issues – so it’s really not an option to wear a mask.

I was starting to think about going to a gym and going back to the library weekly starting from January, but now I hear there is an even deadlier new strain coming out of China again and China is opening their international doors again!

So I thought, aw fuck it, why now?  Just as I was about to risk going out at least once a week and without a mask! 

So I am in limbo again and this is part of the reason why my depression hit me hard the other day – I just want a normal life!

I don’t trust the NHS to save my life if I were to get the new strain of Covid – especially as the NHS can’t seem to get me my second dose of Astra Zeneca and they agree with my health issues the other two are a no-go option!  Yes, for nearly ten months I have been waiting for them to contact me about Astra Zeneca for my second shot, I am not fully protected!

The NHS is also struggling to get me a much needed appointed for something else – an overdue appointment, I won’t mention what.  But should it take a year to try and get a simple appointment and still there are none available?  We try every single day in hope of a cancellation, but to no avail and I am in pain whilst waiting!

So we decided to go to the pharmacy and buy the kit to do it ourselves, but when they heard I had a symptom with it, they said, no you really need the hospital to do it… WTF? 

The pharmacist thinks it’s urgent, the NHS doesn’t!

I’m glad I am not any sicker than I was the last time the doctor saw me, because based on what the doctor feared, I could have been dead by now – but that’s really not important apparently!

So because I haven’t worsened in the three months, six months and nine months the doctor contacted me by phone, they are presuming it’s not cancerous.  That’s all I am saying on the matter, yeah so for cancer they are still dragging their heels with appointments.  But that’s not all, I have relatives and friends of relatives tell me that cancer patients are more or less considered the walking dead now as the NHS is bankrupted and cancer diagnoses have a two year waiting list and guess what?  Most people are dead by the time they get checked out!

But right now I don’t care about all of that – I care about getting out and about again!  I can’t go into my own garden thanks to the twat that lives next door and his vicious dog!  I haven’t felt the breeze on my face or wind in my hair or the rays of the sun for months!

Months!

I feel like an indoor caged animal, left in a cold room all alone and forgotten! 

I can do lengthy isolation, my childhood trained me for it, but I have never ever in my entire life gone more than three weeks without leaving the house, before Covid came about and during those times we were always guaranteed at least three to five different visitors per week on average! 

Paul and I are hardly speaking these days without arguing, we get approximately thirty minutes a day to talk now – Henry is too absorbed in whatever he is absorbed in at the time that I generally get less than fifteen minutes with him, other than the house rabbit Ray – I have no one I can verbally talk to anymore and guess what?

I am embarrassed to say, its causing some of my long forgotten speech problems to come back – I stammer occasionally again and my lisp can be caught every now and again, problems I thought I got rid of in college!

Why?

Because I am not talking enough to anyone!

So as crazy as it sounds, I told Paul – you will hear me talking to myself in the bedroom because I need to keep practising my speech, as problems are reoccurring.  So I record myself again, yabbering on to myself in the bedroom like a crazy woman, to try and prevent the speech problems from coming back!

I am talking about everything, doing running commentaries on anything I can see and hilariously I forget to shut up when I am in the company of both Paul and Henry occasionally.  They think I’ve lost the plot and I know they’re right!

So with that being said…

I love you all… I am going round the twist… and I hope I make it to the other side in one piece!

At least I know I can last five months before cabin fever starts setting in!

Thanks for reading!

Puffin “clown of the sea”

A couple of months ago I have been mentioning how flamingos, ibises and peacocks are being seen almost everywhere I go and how those things signify certain areas of a person’s life – more recently, puffins, raccoons, geese and squirrels are becoming more noticeable.

Puffins signify a new long-term and strong partnership is about to occur, I am finding puffins in the weirdest of places recently and before this time puffins were not something I would regularly come across anywhere – they are relatively unknown creatures really.

It is also quite amusing to note that out of my many tarot decks, the pictures with puffins on very rarely turn up in readings, but they are turning up in almost every reading I am doing with them lately.

I thought nothing of it until I have started to see puffins on TV a lot more in the last few days and then people talking about them on Twitter, so I thought I had better look into what they as a spiritual animal could be trying to relay to me!

Puffins signify new relationships, strong family bonds, new family units, a coming together or a partnership – usually relationships which are very strong and long term or where you would have an intense bond with.

Alternatively puffins can also relate to spiritual or religious faith strengthening or again faithfulness in a relationship that is about to arrive in your life.

The puffin signifies that the person coming into your life will have a strong sense of family and a smashing sense of humour as puffins are known to be clowns of the sea.

They symbolise the strongest of love and devotion.  Often they symbolise a soul-mate union and people who have come across puffins before meeting their future husband or wife also say that it is as though they’ve always known the person or may have knew them in a previous life.

Puffins also signify a new beginning, usually always positive and happy and a new beginning which will stand the test of time!

An amazing creature with amazing symbolism!

The picture at the top of my post was painted by me few a few years ago and can be found on DeviantArt under my username FFGallery.

Thank for reading!

Our ancestors are having tea!

So, you know I am spiritual right?  Well recently there has been some new spirits visiting me and they are visiting me because they are the ancestors of someone who is coming into my life and they have told me that they are determined to adopt me into their family!

So whether this person who is coming into my life knows they are doing this or not, I haven’t a clue – probably not, but his family seems determined to have me in the family! 

I have been meditating and speaking with my ancestors a lot recently too, because they have made their presence known to me and they have also told me that his ancestors are getting to know them too – like they are bonding because they believe things are imminent! 

So they are basically having tea and talks about us together! Apparently we have a similar life where we are multi-faith people, half Jewish and could turn back to the old family way together, which is exciting for them! Especially my granny Annie (great great grandmother), who was the last proper Jew in my family before Great Granny Rose married a catholic and gave birth to my maternal grandfather!

I still haven’t a clue what’s going on and the dreams are getting stronger with this guy now! 

These new spirits are very nice and friendly, there is a lot of feminine energy there and there is a woman in particular who is making it her mission to help me develop my psychic skills even stronger, which is why I seem to have developed a seemingly new and all absorbing hobby of tarot reading – it’s not a new hobby, I am just learning new ways in reading that I never knew before thanks to this lady! 

This lady has a very Eastern European accent; she has beautiful black wavy hair and a strong face, almost square shaped and long eyelashes.  Despite having an Eastern European accent, she dresses in very Middle Eastern or perhaps Indian style clothing, or at least they look almost like saris to me.  I quizzed her about it and she says she is part Iranian but many generations ago that probably the guy who is interested in me doesn’t even know he has Iranian in him!

I know the person who is coming into my life reads my blog – they’ve told me he does, recently a conversation with the ancestors have told me that they love reading me so much that they are addicted to my writings and learning anything they can about me.

They have also said he is excited to see my larger works as he has a lot of faith in my creativity and would like to eventually be a part of my life and brainstorm with me! 

Their situation is a difficult one and they are having a hard time transitioning into my life like they would like, for them, everything has to be perfect.

From what I understand from my conversation with the ancestors, their ancestors have been frequently communicating with my ancestors too as they are convinced we will be joining families quite soon!  So our ancestors are making themselves comfortable with each other it seems, in fact sometimes in my dreams I have had dreams of your ancestors moving in with mine and we are unpacking lots of boxes and making room for people! 

They have suggested that I should let you know now, that there is no fear of rejection because you and I are perfect for each other – we balance each other out, we are exactly what each other needs and we have similar pasts to each other, though one is more extreme than the other.

You are trying to keep me off guard by being elusive with your description, so I was warned you are trying to trick me so I won’t instantly realise who you are!  Because you’re shy! 

They also wanted me to state that I am not naturally an introvert, I am not someone who enjoys too much solitude but I am someone who is very prone to anxiety, such as nervous stomach – lol – but that’s purely because I have never been one who can tolerate too many surprises.  I was warned you are an impulsive person and so anxiety will perhaps be part of my life!

You see, they felt I needed to share that because you’ve voiced these concerns with them! 

But you shouldn’t worry, about the fact I won’t socialise – you shouldn’t worry about the fact I don’t want children, because I do!  There is only one thing that which worries me though, for some reason or another my ancestors say that I will travel a lot with you… that does worry me because I am not used to that kind of life.  I also don’t have a passport!  I have also been warned I will be physically exhausted for a while too, because you are a person who is constantly on their feet and I will have to be the same until I am used to it as apparently you will want to drag me everywhere with you! 

Also, don’t worry about being too suffocating with me – to be perfectly honest I’ve been so starved of love and attention for so long I think I need it!

I am not a demanding person either, I am quite easy-going and happy go lucky, I am not as gloomy as you seem to think I am… I am a playful and tender, understanding and I communicate a lot with people in my life, in fact people struggle to shut me up!

I annoy Paul with my constant questions about his opinion on anything and everything – he isn’t a very social person and I find it hard that he isn’t as talkative as I am and my family.

I can literally talk about anything in a very prolonged way if there is nothing else to talk about, so I never run out of things to say!

When I am nervous I tend to talk like my words are trying to catch a train and that can give some people a headache, I am terrible around introverts because I think I just make them feel tense!

When I find other people who are similar to me, introverts of society tend to keep away, lol!   As we tend to become fast talking foreigners for them!  Well this is how Paul describes me whenever I talk to my friend from the village Dee, she’s totally like me!

I am also very observant and I will break my observances at random into the conversation and most people miss the things I have seen and get confused because they are always slow to actually follow my finger at what I just pointed at!

So yeah… that’s me…

Oh and they wanted me to share that your hunches about certain people are totally right!

Also, they say you are not as shallow as I fear you might be… because in my dream time I am quite aware you are a bit of a… you are a vain person… but your ancestors say that you are vain but not shallow!

Hope they’re right!

Because this stresses me out!  I was planning to reach my goal weight by July/September and they keep telling me, well he will be here before then sweetie!

Also please stop giving people a hard time just because you are anxious about approaching me, the ancestors have said you are starting to get out of character a bit with your behaviour.  Calm down!

Relax, take a deep breath… I am not a bitch monster sweetie!

Oh and I have to let you know that I am definitely quite a passive person who goes with the flow and the only time I don’t go with the flow and become turbulent is if I think the person I love isn’t looking after themselves properly, then the maternal instinct of mine kicks in like a super mum and kicks your ass into gear!

You will eat properly, you will be healthy, you will eat this soup when you have a cold or this curry because I love you and you are not allowed to be ill!

That’s totally me!

Just don’t say no to me when I care!

You can say no to me any other time, other than when I am looking out for you!  LOL

You are going to be loved so there!

I have also been stressed out by how childish and wacky I am –as this guy seems quite a serious person sometimes in my dreams.  But apparently, no, he will thrive on it!

I hope so!

Just needed to get this out there, as the ancestors say he needs the boost, he needs these fears allayed!

No rejection here – passive, calm, communicative, playful, childish and don’t intend to grow up or old, creative, friendly, social, air-headed but also slightly nerdy (as in likes comics, Terry Pratchett and other fandoms) has a wacky sense of glamour and fashion!  But bohemian, nature’s child and dungaree wearer in casuals!  Always had a goal of 5 children and a hobby farm or a homestead kind of life whilst being an artist and writer!  I love animals and wildlife and nature – I am environmentally conscious and spiritual and believe in the powers of crystals!  I am also inclined in the future to return to my ancestral root of Judaism, I was never baptised and I have strong leanings there even if I don’t know much. 

My only negatives are, I don’t have any wanderlust, I easily get anxious stomach, I am deaf, weak immune system, can be a clingy attention seeker and quite submissive even to the wrong people sometimes, unless there is a very strong dominant character in my life who is protective enough to make me steer clear of others that way!  I talk too much about everything and I hate gossip and normal small talk!  I also hate being alone and doing anything at all alone!  In fact I clam up when I am alone, even in my own home – I do better in small groups of familiar people or crowds!  I am happiest when around a dog, if alone.

So there you go… me in a nutshell.

So… stop being like me… anxious…

Or we won’t get anywhere!

LOL

Thanks for reading!

Habits lost & found

Trying to wake myself up from this sleepwalk from life, get back into semi-normality at least because I am starting to lose my identity a bit – no a lot.

Up until six months ago, I might not have done much with my life due to sickness, but I did things regularly and daily – since September, most of my regular daily habits have dropped totally!

The good ones that is, a lot of the bad ones have been dropped too – which is a good thing!

I no longer drink two litres of caffeinated sodas a day like I used to, but I do still drink them occasionally, in fact it’s dropped to a litre every two weeks, which in my mind is excellent – yes I did go cold turkey on that for a while and it worked, but I do miss it as an occasional treat and went back to buying a litre bottle every two weeks.

The potato snacks have also dropped hugely, still a regular habit, but at least it’s not a disgusting three to yes, shockingly sometimes six bags a day anymore!  Yes, crisps were always my biggest vice since I was a kid!

But the good things that made me productive daily have dropped and I feel really bad about it, so today I am trying really hard to force myself to get back into them again. 

Reading thirty pages of something a day.

Practising even If it’s just a five minute lesson on Duo Lingo French or Italian per day!

Writing at least five hundred words per day to a novel!

Researching or looking for inspiration and keeping up to date with relevant genre news for ninety minutes per day!

Practising drawings for an hour a day!

Daydreaming for my stories at least ten minutes an hour throughout the day! 

All those things were regular habits I had daily, but for some reason or another since September the desire to do any of them seems to have gone and I have gone into a state of severe apathy.

I have replaced what I did do, with things that don’t make me feel like I am valuing my time – things such as studying tarot cards as my grandmother never taught me that no card is an island and that you get things such as blocked cards and different spreads and don’t forget not all reversals are really reversed in their meanings.

I have made more effort with my appearance and being mindful about the kind of nutrition I am putting in my body for the first time in years.

I am staring into nothingness, but I don’t call that meditation, because I am not relaxed, I am finding myself having a lot of emotional blips and being tearful and I don’t really understand why – but I am starting to get shy even around the family now.  Putting up hoodies and avoiding people.

I am becoming much more withdrawn, the most difficult time of the day for me is sitting with the family at the dinner table to eat – because as soon as someone says something negative I get a lurch in my stomach and I can’t finish the meal.  I am under eating, though I am dieting – it’s not ideal how little I am actually eating!

I have even asked Paul to perhaps consider a separate meal time for me, just so I get to eat properly, but it really isn’t convenient for any of us to do that!

I am feeling trapped and it’s making me become a little snippy with Paul in particular lately and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I just can’t help it!  I think it’s because I know what’s going through his head, we’ve separated but still living together and none of us really wants to be around each other anymore.  Though saying that, Paul is starting to come and sit close to me a lot lately, even if he isn’t talking to me – this is something he has never done throughout the whole of our relationship.  I know that sounds odd, but he has never been the type to actually sit next to me, even when we we’re OK with each other – because he has always been too fond of his laptop.

The other day I was so shocked by this unusual behaviour I looked at him in the eyes and said “You’re sitting next to me”?  He smiled and said that he knew – I then said “you smiled, are you feeling OK?” because honestly, Paul doesn’t do that much either!

He just nodded and smiled wider… freaky…

Honestly if you knew him you’d be freaked out too!

So today I am trying to wake myself out of this sleepwalk in life.

Though I sometimes wonder about this writing habit… I know in September we got news our finances are going to be much worse and we can’t afford ink for the printer and I tend to print everything I write and look at the papers multi-tasking whilst I write, which I can’t do anymore because of funds.  So I try to keep lots of tabs opened to keep peeping at folders from my cloud, but it’s irritating as it means I am staring at screens more than I want to and it’s making me tired faster.

I know it sounds like an excuse, but paper helps me be more productive – maybe that’s the factor here – but it doesn’t explain why all the other habits have dropped!

Talking of which, Paul admitted an underestimate of our financial capabilities, I have now learned we will be better than we thought, in fact our diet can improve very slightly and we can now afford to go out once a week via taxi or bus now, which will mean there is transport money for me to see doctors if I need them now.

Thanks for reading!

Cross of changes

This time last year I would struggle to see how my habits and day to day activities would have changed so much in such a short space of time – I would want to question, what’s happened to me?

I still do… but I think I know what’s happened…

Yes, it all goes back to my instinct that everything is going to change soon and I mean everything!

For me on a personal level, on all levels of personal life – not the world, this isn’t some kind of big major worldwide prophecy; no… it’s very personal to me.

I think this energy has spurred me on to fight for life a bit.

Though I do have setbacks, I am not as depressed as I used to be and I am not so absorbed in unhealthy things and trying to zone out as much as I was.  As I said, I do have setbacks; there are days where I wonder if I should bother to fight – but then this energy shows up and acts like some kind of motivational coach with me.

Don’t dare give up on the idea of “me” kind of energy!

Somebody is coming into my life soon, I can feel it – and I think they have a strong spiritual connection to me whoever they might be.  They don’t want me giving up on them, because by not focusing on changes in my life and by not fighting for my life, I would have given up on them!

Now this can all be in my head – I may very well be suffering from imaginary friend syndrome or something along those lines… but is it so bad for me, if it makes me get up in the morning, change my eating habits, exercise a little and make outlandish plans for myself and make me fierce about any adversary? 

If it’s a spirit tricking me, then are they really malevolent for doing so?

Except for the fact that this idealistic person not coming into my life after all and heart-breaking me a year down the line… the rest of it is pretty good, no?

So, what’s changed?

Whether for good or bad, I am not reading more than a couple of pages a day on average now.

I find it hard to sit around for longer than an hour without doing some small thing.

I am singing a lot and starting to dance a bit.

I am not playing games online for longer than an hour a day anymore.

I am talking to strangers more – OK, they are online, but I never used to bother so much until recently.

I am forcing myself to eat a high protein and Vitamin C diet.

I am trying to get 20 minutes of exercise every two days at minimum.

I am fighting to spend time and be more active in my son Henry’s life more, instead of giving up without a fight to whatever his dad wants!

I am no longer afraid of telling Paul exactly what I think about him and what’s going on in our situation in regards to the poverty, the house falling apart etc. – I am no longer accepting our life!

I am starting to get back my old high standards for myself and living in general – unfortunately there are too many obstacles but I am trying to smash them down wherever possible!

I haven’t stuck to my goals in regards to my writing, because I am too focused on my transition and because the environment is too chaotic at times.

I also decided that I am going to throw caution to the wind and practise reiki on my son to see if it helps his behaviour and it has!

Henry was diagnosed autistic last week and since I started to treat him exactly how I did my former clients and since doing reiki on him, he is a different person.  Henry and I have come to an agreement that many things we like to do or say together should be kept away from his dad, because his dad gets hot-headed about it all.

Henry likes to learn about culture and religion, particularly the Jewish aspect of our ancestry and he likes to ask questions about other religions such as Christianity and specific biblical figures such as Moses and Jesus.  But if Paul over hears us, the arguments that blow out of control is… I can’t describe it, sorry!

So Henry and I have agreed to be more private about it and talk about it when his dad is downstairs and we’re in his room together or he is in mine.

Henry clings to tradition; it’s his comfort blanket, as it is mine… I can understand that, but Paul can’t!

Henry was so excited about something he learned about Jesus today that he absent-mindedly rushed off to tell his dad – but was met with terse rejection and then Paul started ranting about his mess and stuff and Henry came back in tears to me, hugging me tightly because he doesn’t understand why his dad hates it all so much!

Because Henry was raised to dislike Jesus for being a terrorist etc – yet I put Henry straight and said on the contrary, he was a God fearing man who respected God and was even a rabbi – Henry was shocked that Jesus was Jewish and Henry admitted to me that he was always afraid of Jesus because he thought he was a bad guy.  I said, no – but what is wrong is that he is would turn in his grave if he knew people worshipped him instead of God!

Henry’s eyes literally lit up, he looked so enlightened and it was a lovely change in him, he looked genuinely joyous!

But this and other things we can’t talk about around Paul – professional wrestling, robot wars, and the history of politics and good family memories to a certain extent.

Unfortunately, it’s all the things that Henry loves and shuts himself away doing on his own for hours every night.

Henry is slowly learning there is a vast contrast between me and his dad and Henry asked me a couple of days ago – “why didn’t you even share and say these things to me before” and the answer was simple and true… because your dad wouldn’t like it!

Why am I choosing to go behind Paul’s back now?

Because Henry needs the balance, Henry feels attacked at all sides and when I don’t take any stance at all and just sit there – he looks at me imploring me for help or a response and when I just say… do as your dad says, he looks defeated and broken and that’s hard to stomach long term!  Especially when you feel that what your partner or ex-partner has just done, is wrong!

Henry’s biggest struggle in life is learning that his father will not give him a cultural identity.

Everybody needs some kind of cultural identity, even if they are mixed up like my family – it shows us where we are from and shapes who we are, take that away and you are left to wonder what you are… what do you stand for and all kinds of existential worries!

Something like that is hard on an adult, let alone a child, especially an autistic one that doesn’t even have the security blanket an autistic person needs of a regular schedule day to day.

Henry functions quite normally at school, because it is scheduled.  Since Henry was three years old, around the time I got sick – I have been fighting Paul to get dinner at 6pm sharp.  But dinner in this house can be anywhere between 4pm and 10pm, there is no regular meal time table here and its worse in the school holidays.

Since Henry’s diagnosis I have tried to instil in Paul, schedule is everything for an autistic child, please sort it out!

But it goes in one ear out the other.

It drives me crazy no having a schedule too, my stomach can’t stomach meal times that are all over the place!

You try giving a child a roast dinner an hour before he goes to bed!

I struggle sleeping if I eat too much before bed, but a child?

There are days where we have our dinner and we have our crepes for pudding and fifteen minutes later, it’s come on Henry, bed time!

After all these years and all the times I’ve told him – it’s got to change, it never has!

I am grateful I am getting better physically – that I am able to do a little around the house, not much – because my efforts aren’t respected, they are usually undone in a couple of hours by Paul.  But – I am trying to really fight to take back control over the house.

So I can stand on my own two feet and do so well enough that I can move out into my own home!

Paul is becoming rebellious lately because he knows what’s up; I haven’t hidden anything from him.

We had a good friendship which seems to be slowly turning toxic since he found that other lady – which no longer is in his life.  He has tried to make amends with me, tried to bump up a little affection by being more mindful about hugs goodnight and goodbye etc. – but I am rejecting them, because he originally rejected me.

I lived in this house dotingly knowing that I was never happy here, that the house was a disgrace, that the environment was uncomfortable, that he was financially lazy and insecure and that he didn’t have any inclination towards intimacy with me and he certainly never defended me from our neighbour.  I did so dotingly because it was my family and I made do… I don’t want to make do anymore, because I realised that I was more loyal to him than he was to me and that was a big slap in the face!

I can and will tolerate a lot from a person if I know that they love and want me – take that away from me and I won’t stay, I don’t like leaving people, but if I know I am unwanted or easily disposed of, it makes it hard for me to want to try and make do.

I really will tolerate so much from a person, if they remain consistent in letting me know how much they love, respect and want me!  Just those things, that’s all I require oh and don’t humiliate me or insult my intelligence. 

I can tolerate so much; I tolerate rude behaviour, wacky behaviour, selfish behaviour, jealousy, and control, loss of identity, being made to become a tireless servant and to a certain extent a little aggression.  But I can’t tolerate humiliation, being reminded I am disposable, people constantly correcting me, because they believe I am stupid or misinformed. 

As long as you want me, respect me, love me, never humiliate me or treat me like I am stupid – then we’re going to be OK! 

Because my very nature is easy-going, I go with the flow and I blend in with whatever people and environment I am around the most, I am a chameleon – I am happy to be like that.  I thrive on love and acceptance and I give so much back and I don’t complain – I may cheerfully joke around and be sarcastic about my guy’s malchauvinistic ways or ego or mock affronted about their laziness… but its all in jest, really I wouldn’t want things to be different.  I miss those kinds of relationships, which is why I used to be heavily involved in the BDSM lifestyle, I wanted a husband like that.

They love me, they keep me, they get everything – I make sure to give the world to them and more if I could!

Hopefully the guy would be a touchy feely kind of guy, hands on, obsessed slightly – because I like being touched and I touching too!  In normal relationships I am too clingy, I am too passive, I am too needy or odd because I want to do things for them all the time… does that make sense?  I know the only guys who appreciate the kind of woman I am, are those in the lifestyle who aren’t emotionally distant and healing from some obscure emotional wounds from their past.  The kind of dominants who know what they want and will get it out of me by hook or by crook!

I find the most painful thing about being in a relationship like that is being ignored for too long!  Or not being given a sense of duty or daily tasks to fulfil and it can be hard when things aren’t regularly appreciated in some way – when there is no reward, whether just verbal or otherwise.

Yes I know, I sound pathetic – but it’s just me and it’s what makes me tick!

I think that if these spiritual insights aren’t founded to be true within a few months’ time, but I manage to get fit enough to leave Paul… I may go back into the lifestyle, look for a dominant or a daddy figure and do that rather than be alone.

Thing is, most dominants don’t like women over 28yrs old, especially if she wants to have more children like I do!

So I may not get what I want from life soon enough.

But I am trying so hard to manifest this, you have no idea!

Thanks for reading!

Once again

Sometimes things get awkward

Sometimes things get hard

Sometimes you can’t talk about them

Because talking can get you barred

There’s an awkward situation

And it’s getting quite bad

It’s getting very toxic here

I’m feeling very sad

Once they used to love me

Now they want me gone

They use to care about everything

I don’t know what’s gone wrong

But I know that something

Isn’t quite right

And I have to sit alone and wonder about my plight

This house is seeped in tension

Snappiness and snipes

There’s a lot of angry tension

Here every night

Is there any wonder, why I can’t write?

When things are getting worse than this

Like I know they might?

I try to keep away from them

And shut myself away

But its not healthy living likes this

Every single day

No one to break the tension

No one to hear me talk

I wish it was easier for me to walk

Trapped in a bubble of apprehension

No way to ease the tension

Not a single soul knows or cares

About any of my fears and scares

But I try to plod on

and try so hard

not to moan and be on guard

For things are not turning out nice

And the change in him cuts and slice

How can someone change so much?

Be best friends then out of touch?

He was the one who wanted me gone

Yet he has turned it on me because I walk on

Am I the one to blame for this?

Am I so hard on him?

When I was happy to remain

Till he dumped me on a whim…

I’m so confused at how he’s changed

And why we’ve come to this

I left one toxic pot for another

And once again I drown in piss

Through the window

I had a dream last night that I couldn’t close a window.

The window wasn’t broken, as in had broken glass or anything like that – it is weird that I had this dream after someone requested I write a poem about windows…

The window just wouldn’t close, someone had messed with the locks and stuck a plant on the frame of the window that wouldn’t come off and so the window could only remain ajar.

I got angry about this in the dream, because winter was only two weeks away – I found out it was my mother that did this to my window and I told her bluntly, then we will have to change bedrooms when the winter comes – I don’t want to be cold all winter, you can if you like – but not me!

She wouldn’t change bedrooms and out of nowhere I said to her – I am not as poor as you think you know, I have money and I only stayed because I had faith you’d change, but you never will – so now I am taking my money and I leaving you!

Even in the dream I was surprised at what I said, like I thought I was lying to myself by telling her this – but then I instantly went online in the dream and found that I was right, there was hundreds of thousands of pounds in my account all of a sudden.

I was amazed in the dream… but then something at the back of my mind explained how this happened.

I served my parents up their last meal and I went out to find my new home.

But I didn’t buy this home, I just literally walked into a house that looked pleasant and there were three adults and two children at a dining table and I started serving them the food I gave to my parents and we sat down happily together, like we’d always been together!

Weird dream!

I would say “through the window of broken glass, deep things changed in me last night” but the windows glass wasn’t broken…

What’s weirder is just now I heard the word “FAITH” said quite loudly and then I saw the numbers 222.

Thanks for reading!

My idea of romance

Is not what you find in the average romance novel, sorry, well, not the ones my mother shoved down my throat when I was growing up – ew!

Though I reckon my idea of romance is too way out there for the modern day too, a little old-fashioned or a little too fantasy based.

I have a lot of old fashioned values.  I believe man and woman has their place and this is hard to hear according to some of my friends which are super modern feminists or who know I am bisexual.

Here are my core beliefs about men and women;

Man is the protector and must have what it takes to physically and verbally defend his woman whenever necessary.  Unfortunately I have seldom come across anyone who fits the stereotypical protective male role; basically I’ve been on my own under confrontation from strangers whilst the guy I was dating was there.

The woman is the nurturer moral and emotional supporter of the whole family, not just the kids, but the man as well and must be patient and understanding with the man when he is having a bad day.

Basically as women, it’s our job to ensure that our husband’s day doesn’t get any worse – we have to cheer him up, we have to spoil him as it were with good food and snuggles and kind words.

Both the man and the woman should be completely honest with each other at all times, trust and honesty as well as a deep friendship are the keys to a longstanding relationship – if you don’t have that, then you don’t have a proper relationship in my opinion!

Whenever I hear my friends say that they can’t date their best friend I pity them, because relationships need friendship as its foundation, don’t you think?

I am also traditional in the sense that when you choose to have children, you need to have a career that works around them, not vice versa.  Your children’s well-being and presence in your life should be the priority.  I know it is hard for some women, especially single mothers – I understand you, but this is what I believe.  There are options for working at home, that’s all I am saying!

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that women should be able to have whatever rights they desire – but just don’t force your ideas on other more traditional women like me!

I have been discriminated against for my beliefs of being a stay at home mother before I got sick, because in the opinions of other local women, women like me are disgusting and lazy and are seriously damaging the women’s right campaign.

At the time, before I got sick, I was actually trying to hone my skills in social care and tried to fix the house up by taking Paul out of his hoarder’s paradise, to consider becoming a foster mother as a job.  Which I know I would have loved!

But for me – romance is nothing like Mills and Boon, choose any novel there you like! 

For me, my idea of the perfect romance is what Morticia and Gomez Addams have!

Seriously!

A partner you can listen to music with and randomly get up and dance with around the living room, smooching, swaying and snuggling and embarrassing your kids!

A partner who’d bring you a regular dose of flowers for the house so you can rearrange them around the house with maybe some of your own cut flowers from your own garden too!

A partner who wants to take you on one to one picnics occasionally, or sends the children away to friends or family for the night so we can have a homemade candlelight dinner with just the two of us!

A partner who isn’t stuck in a rut in regards to bedroom matters and is adventurous and spontaneous.

I want a guy who will teach me how to tango with him and maybe roleplay with him and silly things like this.

I like vain men who have big egos, especially if I know they like to look meticulous in public but behind closed doors he won’t moan at me when I scruff up his hair and give him cute nicknames…

I like to be very hands on with my guys, I like to give and receive massages and so forth and I am very good at reiki, I’ve been told I should be a practitioner, but I am not interested in that for a career.  I like to touch and be touched and I have a real problem with rejection when I put my hands on a guy in bed and they flinch or tell me to get off – when we’re supposedly engaged, you get me?

I like guys who don’t want sex over and done within thirty minutes if you are lucky – I like long nights, not just dip and collapse with no build up or tease, you know?

A big part of a relationship to me is talking… talk a lot… talk about everything, be open, share your day, share your ideas, play with ideas and make plans to ensure your life never gets boring together – always try new things, not just sexually, but in life in general!

I think that when you bond with a life partner, there should be a sort of effort to have an unspoken language between you or keywords, where you can communicate with each other privately but in public too – it’s a lost art for these times, but it was quite common pre-Victorian era.  Fan or hand language, language of flowers and little innuendos that only you and he knew the meaning of. 

I show my love by cooking for the person in my life, by asking them if they want help with something or by doing things they’ve specifically asked for.  I like to bond with them by writing out my thoughts and feelings and reading it to them and hope they’d tell me more about themselves too.

I like the idea of a relationship where we motivate each other all the time to become the best that we can be, we always challenge each other!

I even like a little mock fighting – knowing we will never truly hurt each other’s feelings, it’s all play and end up wrestling each other to bed or something!  This is why I love the tango a lot, oh and the paso doble! 

I have a lot of fire in me, a lot of passion and I need someone with a lot of energy and creativity and desire to be playful with me! 

I think this is another reason why I love the BDSM lifestyle a lot, there is a lot of fun light-hearted roleplay there, with kinks and spanks and other delights – it’s not meant to be vicious and bullying!

I want someone ready to take on my challenges with me and me with theirs!  Together we’ll ride the storm!

I have never been comfortable with this is their problem and these are my problems and we live separately like that – I believe in sharing and caring about each other a lot!

I really don’t like it when I know a partner is upset about something going on in their lives and they won’t tell me about it, because I hate feeling helpless and I hate not knowing and I hate not being able to lighten the load for them!

It literally kills me inside!

I have had exes in the past who hated the way I treat them at times, because I apparently smother them, mother them and sometimes I’ve been accused of babying them!

I don’t see it; I just see it as maybe caring too much?

Maybe I go overboard, but it’s just me!

So yes, I want love like Morticia and Gomez Addams… you get me?

Someone with all the above and someone to live in mutual weirdness with!

Oh and can match my libido!

Thanks for reading!