Why I smile when I am sad

Shame is a feeling I am familiar with

Anger is a feeling I have lived with

Envy is a feeling I still experience and share with shame

As with pride it is the same

I know all too well the crying game

As sadness rips my heart again

And bitterness takes control of me

Whilst I look at others in their glee as they glance and then look down on me

I have seen the cunning face of those people who will disgrace

My name my status my love and care, they enjoy it I swear, I swear

But they don’t know the love I have

The forgiveness I give when they’re bad

The joy I have when they say they are sorry

But not many do so it is a quarry

That many do not like to go and so they continue spreading woe

Because they can’t stand to be so deep

They’d rather forget and stay asleep

To the pain they cause and the harm and shame

They keep on repeating again and again

Some people learn and others don’t

Because it’s too hard so they won’t

But I have seen some better men

Who have changed their ways and turned to Zen

I have faith that not all is bad

This is why I smile when I am sad

Fool myself

Sleep deprived and hungry

I hold back the tears

I dream of fantasies and it takes away my fears

I see a rainbow in my head and I chase it down

Because I am hiding from myself and my own frown

Maybe here I can hide and pretend I am really happy

Dancing with the pixies like everything is sweet and sappy

Maybe I can fool myself till it is true

Maybe I can dance away all these blues

I sing good luck to myself

Hang my sadness up on the shelf

And make believe that it’s OK

And skip around and play all day!

I need to rest upon the shore

Dear, you are so dear to my heart

You pull me apart

With those words you say

Dear release me from your potion

Don’t let me get washed in the ocean

Hear me say

Save me now

I can’t bare those waters again

I just need my heart to mend

I can’t be always swimming here

I love you, so, so dear

But is it worth all these tears

After all these years

I am growing tired of the crying and the loneliness

I just need a rest

Upon the shore

Why can’t you listen, please don’t ignore

I implore you to stay with me

I know it sounds pathetic but I was once in this scenario where I was pushed away from someone, called back, pushed away, called back, constantly and I never learned for nearly three years that it would be a constant cycle. 

I thought that when they called me back they had a change of heart, so I’d dotingly went back to them and it wasn’t until pure mental exhaustion that I chose to ignore them finally.  But they still kept tabs on me for years and it wasn’t until my mum in fact, threatened to tell the police about them that they backed off finally.

I am embarrassed to share this actually, because upon reflection I behaved pathetically. 

These are not thoughts I still have of the person, but these are memories of that place I used to be in – sometimes people are confused that my poetry are reflective of my current mental state and it’s not always.  I have an excellent emotional memory.

In fact this emotional memory happened in 2004.

I am thinking that sometimes my poems might actually need explanations at the end, because there are times I post things like this and a bandwagon of lovely people thinks I am in a dark place again.  OK – let’s make a deal… if there is no explanation with a dark poem, I might be in a dark place at the time.

If there is an explanation, rest easy my friend! 

Thanks for reading!

Sentimental & very ready!

I am a very sentimental person and this is something that people have tried to get out of me, sentimentality is not respected in the world or rather the societies I was raised in. 

My mother had always tried to force that sort of thing out of me, by forcing me to get rid of a third of my stuff every three months so I never grew attachments to anything!

When a person dies in the family, people have to fight for things like photographs and things of sentimental value, because other members of the family will just get a skip (a hired dumpster) and throw things away – yes – even photos!

What things I had managed to keep over the test of time and hid from my mother, I still have and I know it sounds lame, but I am never getting rid of those things – including the fifteen soft toys I have managed to keep, because it was a huge fight for many years to keep them and I had to be tactical about it!

Over the years I have been gifted small things by people who have since died and I am not happy about leaving things like that behind or throwing them away either and I am paranoid about them breaking when I move out of Paul’s!

I don’t have many things, probably enough to fit in a suitcase or two, but they have a lot of memories for me. 

A little book ornament my grandma bought me with a rose on it for my birthday – that meant a lot to me because, I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead or anything, but my maternal grandma was a known miser and rarely got gifts for anyone – especially something like this, especially something personalised!

So the fact I got a personalised ornament with a gold engraving on it, means a lot to me, because nobody else has ever got such a valuable gift from her before!  I mean, it’s not expensive, but it’s not a simple chocolate box like she normally gave her adult grandchildren, you know?

It tells me that although she was never vocal about how she felt about me, she knew we had a special bond in comparison to everyone else, because she let me live with her a lot as I was growing up and we spent a lot of time together alone and shared the same hobbies!  I was also the only descendant she had who trusted her stories of our ancestry and who would listen to her little quips of gypsy magic etc; whereas everyone else rolled their eyes up and was like “whatever”.

I have some soft toys which mean a lot to me too, unfortunately a couple of them have got lost in the pack rat mess of Pauls here – so I have to try and find them and I hope they are not ruined like a couple of other things have been, which has broken my heart over the years, because Paul has moved somethings of mine temporarily but forgot to put it back!

So, yes, I am transitioning into getting into the mind-set to prepare myself to move out – it won’t be soon – it can’t be for a small number of reasons, but also because I need to start thinking about self-employment on a serious level now, so I can support myself.

I researched online last night with Paul actually about how much I need to try and earn monthly in order to be able to confidently leave him and support myself and I would need £1600 a month if I am to stay within a 3 mile walk of Henry my son, as he won’t be coming with me apparently.

I also will not move out unless I can support a dog in a rentable accommodation that allows a dog that is essential for my sense of personal security!

But for years, before Paul decided he had found someone else, I have not been happy here but just tolerated being here.  I have never been happy about the house environment; Paul has different standards than I do about what constitutes good, clean and tidy living!

Paul has come to realise that the house will be very empty when I move out, because I bought most of the furniture and Paul insists anything I have bought, must go with me – whether I want it or not!

I told him don’t be stupid, you won’t have any chairs, any sofa, any bed – what about Henry, you think I am going to take these things from him?

Sometimes he can be very irrational!

He will only have a dining table set when I leave and a bedframe for himself, if he is going to go that far!

Because I have to admit, a lot of my debt is due to me having to use my credit score in order to buy things we needed to replace as things broke down or became too dangerous to use anymore, because Paul was already in debt before I moved in!

My debt was caused by having to support breakdowns, because he couldn’t and we needed to feed a baby, we needed a new cooker, we needed a new mattress as I was cut to ribbons in the old mattress, Henry needed a bed, we needed a sofa because my mum broke it etc., you get the idea?

I came with 3 boxes of books and there were no bookshelves, so I bought those.

I am certainly taking the rugs with me so Henry goes colder!  Before I moved in there was no rugs on our stone and laminated floor at all, it’s an ice-box in the winter – Paul has always resented the rugs, but we can’t sit in a freezer all winter – especially when Henry sits on the floor all the time!

To say I am looking forward to leaving this house is an understatement!

I will hate the quiet solitude of living alone, because personally, any time I am alone I am in high anxiety and I prefer to be in any company at all, than alone!

It’s very likely no sooner had I paid my first rent, I’d have got into a relationship with someone and got them to move in with me, because I won’t hack living solo!  I just hope they are a decent person, whoever they might be – no one is planned yet!

But I need to start setting up my business and rolling up my sleeves now, because I never realised how much Paul could change in a short space of time and I don’t like it!

I am not comfortable here anymore, we have split up as far as we’re both concerned, so why does he still walk into the bathroom when I am having a bath to take a pee next to me?  That’s acceptable when we was an item, but now I am feeling a little weird about it!

I know I sound stupid, but it just doesn’t sit right with me anymore to do that.

As I am starting to go into a nesting phase mentally… I have started to try and gather things of mine whenever I can and weigh up whether I really want those things or not anymore and I am bagging them for charity.  But it hurts when I find something I love and had meaning to me, be destroyed because it had been thrown amongst the pack rat pile and got damaged, often severely!

I found a doll of mine which had been perfect all these years squashed against a radiator and her face had melted, broke my heart because it was the only proper doll I had outside of Barbie.

I know I sound like a stupid kid, but it still puzzles me how she got out of the bag she was in and thrown all the way over there like that!

Like a pair of kinky boots I had when I used to be involved in the lifestyle (BDSM) as a switch for a short while, as an ex master of mine thought I am a good alpha girl for others, so why not try and train me to be a dominatrix to earn some cash!  I never did that, but he let me keep the boots nonetheless and I loved them, but they were shifted from my boot box out into the utility room by Paul and when the storm damaged the roof the box dissolved and I didn’t know about it until months later, when I found the box had rotted into the boots and the boots were literally glued to the floor of the room like they had melted!

I didn’t know about this and a bunch of other things in the utility room, because the floorboards in the room were cracked, dipped and damaged and Paul banned me from using the room – even though it’s still used as our laundry room – so I never got to see the damage out there until I wanted to clean it up two years ago!

The utility room is our only safe access to the back garden – the other one is a shared entryway that is guarded by our bad neighbour’s ferocious Dalmatian dog, which is untrained and attacks everything – only Paul is stupid enough to use that entryway and twice the dog has caused him an injury, but still he won’t complain!

Be glad to be out of here, I can tell you!

Get to do my gardening again, get to have the safety that the bad neighbour isn’t going to come glaring into our downstairs windows whenever he likes, get to have a clean and tidy home that has fresh air and windows opened regularly!  Get to be able to access the food in the kitchen without twisted my sides as it’s all out of reach… seriously… I can’t wait!

If I had the money tomorrow to get out of here, you won’t have seen me move fast enough, believe me!

So, the 8^th of December my domain name gets renewed, with that I am adding some money to WordPress to update it to a business account to get advertisers to pay me!  I am also going to try and figure out how to use Instagram properly for business and poetry.

I am going to compile several of my old blog post poems into a book to sell on Amazon kindle. 

I am going to look into what I can do to utilise patreon and Pinterest. 

Then I am going to have to figure out alone how to set up my webcam and microphone on my desktop to start a YouTube channel!

Also, I am going to forego treat money for about six weeks to save up for a bulk in art supplies so I can sell my art in different formats on Squarespace. 

Every little helps!

Whilst doing all of that, I will be trying to add two hours a day again to writing my novels as I am not giving up on those either!

Busy, busy, busy, especially as I am trying to get healthier and fitter and exercise and what have you.

If these things haven’t got started by the second week of January then I am just a bum and that’s not acceptable to me!  Because I am no longer bedbound sick anymore! 

Thanks for reading!

Once again

Sometimes things get awkward

Sometimes things get hard

Sometimes you can’t talk about them

Because talking can get you barred

There’s an awkward situation

And it’s getting quite bad

It’s getting very toxic here

I’m feeling very sad

Once they used to love me

Now they want me gone

They use to care about everything

I don’t know what’s gone wrong

But I know that something

Isn’t quite right

And I have to sit alone and wonder about my plight

This house is seeped in tension

Snappiness and snipes

There’s a lot of angry tension

Here every night

Is there any wonder, why I can’t write?

When things are getting worse than this

Like I know they might?

I try to keep away from them

And shut myself away

But its not healthy living likes this

Every single day

No one to break the tension

No one to hear me talk

I wish it was easier for me to walk

Trapped in a bubble of apprehension

No way to ease the tension

Not a single soul knows or cares

About any of my fears and scares

But I try to plod on

and try so hard

not to moan and be on guard

For things are not turning out nice

And the change in him cuts and slice

How can someone change so much?

Be best friends then out of touch?

He was the one who wanted me gone

Yet he has turned it on me because I walk on

Am I the one to blame for this?

Am I so hard on him?

When I was happy to remain

Till he dumped me on a whim…

I’m so confused at how he’s changed

And why we’ve come to this

I left one toxic pot for another

And once again I drown in piss

Devil’s feral child

I was raised like a feral child

Though my playground was a cage

I was kept away from others

I could not with others engage

I could look on and wonder

What it’s like to play

With the other children

I see from my garden each day

But never be a part of their society

Because I was never meant to be free

No one to hug me when I cried

Not when people went and died

I had to do it all alone

Alone and lonely in my home

Without any comfort or kind words

Their only touch was to hurt

Constantly berated for my heart

Don’t be weak we’ll tear you apart

Go back upstairs in your cage

No way to ever assuage the pain

Just you remember, don’t be vain!

You are the devil’s child

Don’t do it again!

Grief

Grief tastes likes the salty sea

Bites like a salty dog and screams like a spoiled child

It feels like an over enthusiastic aunt cuddling you so tight you can’t breathe

It smells like warm salty blankets and looks like a broken toy

Makes you feel alone in the world and blinds you with abstract pictures through a window in a heavy rainstorm

Grief pains your heart and gives you cramp and a snotty nose and a lump in your throat

Grief sedates you as you cry yourself to sleep

That’s what grief is

Blessed stinging eyes

My eyes are stinging with the breaking of my heart

All joy is vacant here

The shadows are inviting me to a party

But I decline

The light offers me its blessings

But I deny

I am OK in this state

For in this state I am learning

I don’t always know what my lesson is

But to me

To me I will learn in any case

Eventually…

I don’t wallow in self-pity and sadness

To me everything is education

Although I am swallowed up by tears, I feel blessed

I have a blessed life

Things could be much worse than this

Gratitude goes a long way

Even if you don’t enjoy what it is you have

At least things are not worse than this

That is why I am blessed

In memory of The Queen.

The whole family has been affected greatly by the loss of our Queen.

We have been stunned to say the least, like the whole world has and it is a big adjustment to get used to. 

I have never met the Queen but Paul has on a couple of occasions because he used to be an officer in the Royal Navy, it sort of came with the job and so it has hit Paul the hardest here.

I think I speak for us all when I say, we will miss The Queen.

May people remember her for all the good she has bought to the world.

May she rest in peace!

Thank you all for reading.

I tried

My soul is dead

It’s gone and buried

It died slowly these past nine years

It was awful

Painful and harried

I tried to save myself

So much, alone

But there is only so much you can do

When the birds eat the seeds you’ve sown

You try to pick yourself up

Brush yourself down

But then you look around you

All you see are frowns

No one is happy here in this place

The house is a mess, no it’s a disgrace

You try to smile and spur them on

To pick themselves up and sing a happy song

But they frown harder still and scream for silence

It’s funny to think I chose this over violence

It’s a funny old world

But I do not laugh

I’ve not had a life, not even half

I’ve tried to pull through all the shit and decay

I’ve done it alone but I’m covered in heavy clay

Of the burdens of my choices

The ones I thought best

But instead the path I fell to

Was an utter mess

It’s weighing me down

All this clay

I am growing tired to fight or play

I just can’t cope anymore alone

I’m just not happy in my own home

I need to try harder I guess

But I feel weak, drowned in mess

I don’t have the spark anymore to try

I only wish that I could die

I need to start again

In another life

I can’t go on

But at least I tried