Emotionally depleted

I’m trying something incredibly counterintuitive right now.

I am suffering in a lot of areas in my life, I am hugely stressed and growing in apathy for almost everything and I am finding it hard to get the get up and go.

I am losing my fight.

So, usually, when under so much tension and uncertainty and sickness, people tell me to rest, take it easy, don’t overthink things, don’t do this and don’t do that and most certainly don’t start anything new – you need to calm down and rest up.

It would be natural to think I am crazy because I am going to do the opposite.

It’s based on an idea by Mel Robbins called “Bluewater”.

She took a glass of water and filled it to the brim and put dirt in the cup, lots of dirt and she mixed it up to show how a person looks when they’re feeling overloaded and stressed out.

She then explained how people then try to deal with each individual problem they have at a time, to try and lessen the load, she did this by demonstrating how people try to spoon out the dirt little by little and over a time, their cup gets emptier and emptier and this emptiness is representing the persons emotional health. 

Over a time, as you’re spooning out the dirt, you are becoming more and more emotionally depleted and burned out and the idea of doing anything becomes so exhausting you just can’t bear to do anything anymore and you lose yourself and you feel that you might never be happy again.

A dangerous situation for anyone!

She said the simplest thing to do at a time like this is to make yourself do something for yourself, something that you think you’d enjoy or if your apathy is so bad, go back to something you once enjoyed – force yourself to have some time in the week to yourself to do it and gradually ease more and more things that you like into your life – make the time to do some self-care and find yourself again!

So she showed what happens when you start adding more water into the dirty cup, it eventually cleans up, not entirely, there will always be a little bit of dirt, but as you add more and more back into your life that you enjoy, that makes you feel like you have some kind of purpose or soul again, your cup is going to get cleaner and cleaner and you will stop feeling so depleted in yourself and you will be stronger and healthier in the long run for it.

I’m trying to force myself right now into going into autopilot and doing some of the things I used to enjoy from the past, whether I am tired or not, whether I feel like it or not, whether I am currently enjoying it or not and no matter how bad the physical pains are in my body – I must do them. 

Because, maybe that’s what I am missing right now?

I’ve been encouraged to take it easy, stop and relax so much over the years that I have come to a virtual stop and any notion of doing anything makes me have this kind of feeling of MEH!

I’ve allowed peoples advice to make me lazy and I don’t like it!

I actually started about a couple of weeks ago.

I started to force myself to read 30 pages of a book again per day, like I used to a year back. 

I am forcing myself to write anything, no matter what it is, whether it intends to be published or not.

I am forcing myself to do some kind of exercise again.

I am practising art at least once every couple of days. 

I am forcing myself to take an interest in thinking about my future again and start planning things and maybe even start thinking about chasing dreams again, because around four years ago I gave them up.

So I am thinking about creating an inspiration or dream board again, I used to be a big fan of those but got out of the habit of it because Paul started pinning his things onto MY board!  He wouldn’t get his own.

I completely forsook any dream because I was convinced I was about to die at any moment!

Along with this I have been trying to remember to do the “High five habit” Mel Robbins also spoke about, but I need more practise with that and I am also trying to remember to count down from five when I am about to go back into a negative habit.

My memory has issues because I have been on survival mode and doing practically nothing with my life for the last eight years, because I have been recovering from bed bound sickness.

I have also had a scare recently.

I know as I am getting older, certain health problems, particularly mental health problems are getting much worse.

I came across a video online purely by accident, I wasn’t looking for anything in particular when I came across a video titled “loneliness is dangerous for your physical health”.

I knew it was dangerous for mental health, but not physical health.

It turns out people who have been isolated or lonely most of their lives have a hugely high risk of developing auto-immunity issues as well as memory loss.  Now that woke me up, because my memory is unreliable and scary at times and I have four different types of auto-immune disease.

Much of the abuse and neglect I had as a child was due to isolation, my mum refusing for me to socialise outside of tight family and friendship circles, even home educating me most of the time!

So I never really had a healthy social life that lasted, it always came in dribs and drabs.

Knowing this and knowing that people who have lived in isolation a lot are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s or dementia before they are 60yrs old, worried me a lot!

They did say though that reversing this can be very quickly done actually and socialising for at least 30 minutes week outside of your home regularly or more can put you back on the right track in not getting that type of dementia, as it’s a specific type apparently.

So there is a lot going on in my life and according to the Bluewater technique there really should be a lot more going on too.

But right now, I am trying to concentrate on solving a mystery in my life and getting my passion for writing back.  Because I haven’t felt passionate about anything for a long time!

Tell a white lie, I have, but then I quickly felt, what’s the point someone will ruin it…

So, yeah, that’s what’s up lately!

Thanks for reading!

Raven warrior day

Today I feel like a warrior, the raven warrior I used to be.

I feel like dressing up in my old black clothes and wearing my raven feathered necklace and rethinking about designing that raven feather cloak I have always wanted to make.

I miss my gothic make-up today; I used to be a Goth as a teenager and into my mid-twenties – a big contrast to the semi-kawaii style I like these days.

I was the Gothic Jock type at school, but also sort of nerdy – because I was an A & B grade student mostly and I was teased for it some of the time, though I never flaunted it and tried to conceal my grades wherever possible – because in my family, nobody got grades like that it is a sort of anomaly, a weird thing which I held close to my heart in shame.

My dad and his side of the family was the only people I felt comfortable knowing my grades, because on dad’s side of the family there are teachers and government workers, so education is important to them and it’s not a cause for shame there.

But today, I am the raven warrior again – or at least it’s the first time in years I feel like she’s been awakened again.

At least I do have some black clothes, though no make-up – at least I can sort of feel like my old self again, in part. 

A black lace cami, a long black skirt, a back flowing shrug, black socks though ruined by pink diamonds, but you can’t have everything in this place.  It’s a cheerful day, despite the kind of poetry I am producing and despite looking mournful – to me it’s a brighter day in my heart.

I wonder why the raven spirit in me is so strong today?

I used to be called Raven Mother by some people in the past – sometimes The Raven Warrior – sometimes The Vampire – sometimes the warrior goddess  and I tried to get people to call me Raven but they didn’t do it, because I guess they didn’t like my sense of humour in being known as The Raven Lunatic, haha.

Some people have no sense of fun – in fact most, don’t.

I had lots of interesting nicknames before I moved in with Paul and every ounce of my identity in all of them has gone, you wouldn’t recognise me now from what I used to be.

I may have been abused badly in my past and mostly isolated – but to be honest I did still socialise on my mother’s terms and I did so more often than I do now I live with Paul.  I may have been living day to day scared for my life with violence and unpredictable people and living day to day with loss after loss – but strangely enough, I was happier then than I am now.  I still don’t understand it.

Maybe I was happy because of how many people used to visit?  Maybe I was happier because I was a lot richer back then and never had to wait months between necessary non-food purchases?  Maybe I was happier because I had more personal freedom around the home, even though I had copious amounts of duties and chores to do between them?

I don’t know.

As I said, I am still puzzled by it.

How can someone be so happy in a situation where day to day they are not sure if they would be alive by the end of the day?

Food for thought I guess?

Yet when I was in that situation I was desperate to get away because I was under so much stress, I often had black outs because things got too much for me and I had to constantly make excuses to non-family people about why I can’t be normal, why I can’t just take their invitation on the spur of a moment etc – because there was often a violent backlash if I did.  Not from them or from me, but if my mother found out she’d go nuts and literally hunt the person down.

So the raven took her flight and said “Nevermore” to that situation and came to live with Paul.

Thanks for reading…

Lost poetry & young love

The world has lost seven new poems in the past two days.

When I write a poem I am in a certain emotional state or a semi-trance and I write them; if I am disturbed sometimes it is OK if it is for a few seconds, but seven poems in the past two days has been interrupted for five minutes or more with much needed emotional feedback which meant the poem was half finished and the flow was gone, so they got deleted. 

I never get the flow back ever again when a poem has been interrupted in its creation, there were times in the past I put the unfinished poems into a folder on my computer and I have tried to get back into that space but it never happens – so poems that are disturbed like that are lost forever, so now I delete them.

Every poem I write always ends up on my blog; this is another reason why my blog has been so quiet.  There is a lot of emotional turmoil going on within the house and people want my response to what’s going on because I am the mother of the house; however, when you are mother of a house where your opinion doesn’t matter, what can I do other than sit there, give whatever emotional support I can, sit and shrug and say – “you know I can’t do anything about love”.

Its hard being a mother to a child and making suggestions for that child when the father has opposing ideas and is very strong-minded and shoots my opinions down like we’re in a war against each other!

It’s even harder when you know your child has come to you to speak to you in private because he doesn’t want his dad to get on his case again for his honest opinion about the situation.  So when he asks you for help, you have no choice but to talk to the father and then realise that the father seeks the child about it and starts the mini wars again. So the child asks for help, you tell them, I need to speak with dad and he asks you not to, or sometimes he says ok, but you know it’s always the same. It’s more difficult than you can know!

It is very difficult knowing too, that when you tell your child you are separating and in a few months’ time will be moving out – that this child choses to stay with the person he rarely goes to for any emotional comfort simply because he wants to stay in this house (which he will inherit as it’s in a trust for him) and to stay in his school with his friends because he doesn’t like the concept of change.

It’s hard because you know in your heart that his emotional declination is almost assured if he stays.

But as stupid and irresponsible as it sounds, my child is thirteen in May and in my opinion I should honour his life decisions whether or not it hurts me – that’s the kind of liberal parenting I do.  It’s all about my child, not me, that’s the way I am.

His father is much more conservative about raising children, education comes before anything – that includes emotions. I often joke that Paul is like a cross between Data and Spock, but in actuality it isn’t funny!

There are times when Henry gets emotional about not being able to do a question in his homework and I swear Paul is struggling to hold back from saying “Being emotional about this question is illogical, you need to do the homework now and do the emotional reflection later.”

It’s Henry’s choice to stay here and I am not going to wrench him away from what he wants, simply because my ego has told me I know better than him.

Maybe I am a bad parent, but for me, I want him to be happy and thrive in a way that doesn’t cause any unnecessary stress for him, also he has a girlfriend, he is dating already and so who can split up young love like that without having some huge pangs of guilt?

Thanks for reading…

Fake people causing problems

Today I am wearing a green and black floral dress, where I really want to be wearing a lovely pair of corduroy dungarees with a cosy jumper underneath, but never mind!

If my grammar is bad today I apologise, but I am not sleeping well lately.  I have had eighteen hours sleep in three days all told.  Last night was the longest bout of sleep I’ve had in three days, ten hours but I was disturbed four times.

There is a lot I am thinking about and a lot of it is along the lines of “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” but never mind, I’ll learn to cope, I always do!

I always make do, its just me, I am easily adaptable and flexible and I try to make the best of any situation, but certain things are just going on too long now and I have nobody backing my corner, supporting me or cheering me on, it feels.

It’s hard to stay strong when you’re doing everything by yourself with no release to outsiders.

I am a fiery bitch today, because of issues going on. My Mediterranean ancestry is certainly noticeable today because a lot of people have riled me up! Beware as I am a super angry Italian mama today, I am usually very passive and calm as far as the rest of my family is concerned! This is a rarity of mine! But don’t piss me off today, as I am not holding back!

The only person I have patience with right now is my son, who is actually 40% of the problem, but he can’t help it!

Then strangers online have the audacity to put their insecure shit on me because I’m not there for them when they demand it!  They challenge what I say and get bitchy or they become drama llamas, I mean, come on – you don’t actually know me do you?  What gives you the right to add to my problems right now?  Are you ever going to be in my life? 

I very much doubt all of you will be!  There are six individuals this is aimed at and I will block them if they start this crap one more time, because I don’t need any more toxicity in my life thank you very much!  Get off your high horse and take a walk, if that’s how you’re going to treat me, because right now, I have REAL things going in my life I don’t need to take on FAKE problems like you!

I am sorry to say, but you mean nothing to me unless you are in my life or making an effort to be a TRUE friend.

Be realistic guys, are you genuinely in my life?  No, you six individuals have only spoken to me less than five times in your whole life online – yet you think you can get away with trying to get a reaction from me, like a clingy baby?

Grow up!

For those who read my blog a lot, I wholeheartedly apologise for posting this, but I need to get this out there.

Please understand.

Thanks for reading…

Things are different but hard

Disclaimer, this is a very long post, nearly 3k, sorry.

Things are definitely changing in my life, I have a little more personal freedom – not much, but it’s a lot for me and I haven’t had this amount of freedom for at least eight years now.

My physical health is improving enough where I am no longer staying in bed most of the time; in fact I am able to do a little exercise and chores on a daily basis now.  I believe it has everything to do with the new high protein diet.  I do however choose to escape into the bedroom for up to three hours a time these days, because I am not coping with Henry’s behavioural problems and the arguments in the household.

I am trying my best to do the housework, but Paul and Henry have got into the habit that I have been sick, so when I have made the efforts to tidy up, no one appreciates it and undoes my work around the house almost as soon as I have done it.  There is no respect for me in this regard.

I clear an area and Paul or Henry fills it again, in less than half a day, I have to say, it makes me wonder why I bother.

The other day, I spent forty five minutes cleaning the carpet in the hall and clearing away coats, hats, garden equipment and the vacuuming the living room, clearing up shoes, clothes and robots all over the floor.  Paul and Henry were both out – they came home and threw their coats wherever they liked, it had rained heavily and the mud was trapesing all over the floor, they sat down and not one of them mentioned about noticing I had done anything.

When I asked them about if they had noticed, all I got was an “ooh sorry, yeah, thanks”; But no effort to amend their slobby mess in the hall.

There are things I am desperate to clean, but with the finances being really hard on us, Paul is reluctant to buy the cleaning materials I am used to.

We have mild bleach and antibacterial wipes and a sponge for the bathroom, but that is all.

I struggle living in this house because a house usually reflects the quality of the wife or mother of the house – believe me when I say, this house is not a reflection of me at all!  I have been sick for years and Paul was a hoarder/pack rat before he met me and I had to struggle and deal with this problem of his for ages before I got sick and I nearly sorted the whole house out.

There are things Paul leaves for months, no matter how much I complained when I could leave the bed, he still never got around to doing things.  There are four rooms in the house that I ban everyone from going into, if they are guests because I’d die of embarrassment over it – Paul doesn’t have the same inclination as I do.  He doesn’t see what’s so bad about things, though he admits it needs to change.

The dining room has been unusable as Paul’s hoarding is coming back; this has been unusable for three years now.  The kitchen is just plain dangerous and dubious.  The utility room is dangerous and the roof has caved in and there is fibreglass hanging from it, every time it rains the whole room gets soaked and that is where we do our laundry – or rather where Paul does the laundry as it’s too dangerous and narrow for me to get out there, as whatever Paul can’t throw away, old broken electricals etc. gets stored out there.

The other room isn’t a room a guest would go to anyway, that’s the big bedroom, which is now Paul’s room and the room where we store Christmas decorations, DVDs, towels, linen and clothes.  It’s basically an enormous disorganised store room.

Paul is very tactical, he knows with my balance problems and weight, that I can’t get to places if he puts things a certain way.  This means there are lots of places I cannot access around the house unless he assists me; this makes me completely dependent upon him to help me.  The thing is, with this new diet of mine I am slimming down and I am gaining better balance, dexterity and agility as well as energy.  This is starting to cause ructions between us, as he doesn’t like the idea I no longer need him, despite knowing we’re separating soon.

I am a house proud woman; I was raised by very domesticated OCD housewives through my mother, paternal grandmother, various cousins and aunts I was sent to live with over the years.  I am meticulous about the house, I am an organised person who is driven nuts by the idea of piles upon piles of things and a throw it anywhere attitude. 

I am the kind of woman who goes into cafes and wipe the table down before I do anything and wipe up after myself too, I am that tidy it’s my nature.

I am the kind of person who has dinner, take the plates out and the sauces.  Whilst Paul says, leave it on the table I will deal with it later.  The plates are taken out and washed immediately, but the sauces can be there for days.

My little bit of freedom is that I can now do a little per day around the house, but living with people like this I often wonder if I should bother at all?

I have also paid off a debt, which means I now have for the first time in three years £25 a week to treat myself with.  I haven’t seen this kind of money for three years!

Paul won’t let me spend the money on anything but treats for myself, but the thing is, I need to.  I need to consider putting £10 a week away for savings, for travel money to the doctors and hospital.  Paul doesn’t know that’s why I am saving the money.  Because of the heat or eat crisis, I have tried to give Paul £5 here and there for treats for me and Henry, he accepts it but doesn’t like it if I extend that to say… fruits or meats I may want to add to the diet too as he sees that as part of the family money.  He doesn’t want me to spend money on the family or the house.

He admits he is proud and he doesn’t like that he can’t provide for me.

I want him to spend some of my money on getting the cleaning equipment I want but that is hard for him to digest, Paul tells me, he will clean it himself with what we have.  I am still waiting…

To be Frank with you, I can’t wait until I move out.  But Paul doesn’t like the idea of me being alone, because of my inclination towards avoiding meals and going into bouts of depression where I could self-harm.

I wasn’t depressed like this before I got sick and lost control around the house.

My depression was mostly to do with being sick and in constant pain, then it got worse because of my helplessness, followed by seeing the declination of the house hygiene and my son’s mental health and then the severe poverty, where we relied on a food bank for Christmas and for other occasions.

I don’t care that Paul is starting a new relationship with another woman, I care that I will lose my son, because Henry wants to stay here with his dad because he knows I go with the flow  and I probably wouldn’t stick around Rugby town when I move out.

I go where I am wanted or needed.

I am very flexible.

I am able to start going out once a week without it affecting any budget, this is why I have chosen to go to the library once a week on a Saturday afternoon around 1 to 4pm or thereabouts. but not today.

I will take my laptop so I could get extra writing done there for my novel, because I can’t write in a smelly, untidy house where Henry and Paul have screaming matches every fifteen minutes.

Perhaps as I get fitter, I could eventually walk to the library like I used to instead of getting the bus and then maybe go every day? 

I remember around 2014 before I got sick, that I regularly walked 9 miles per day, I miss that!  I also had enough energy left in me to be meticulous around the house, chasing a toddler and doing 45 minutes of Tae-bo a day too, this is not counting whatever I did at the recreation ground near the house, I used to power walk or jog around that five to seven times three times a week!

Paul was in constant exhaustion as he followed me everywhere, because I have a weird problem.  I don’t like going anywhere alone, ever.  Unless I have a dog, then that’s different as I don’t feel alone with a dog.

I can go out on my own, if I have a dog.

I’m weird I know, but there is something that makes me anxious when I am not in a small group.  I like groups, I thrive in them, but make me alone or put me into a situation where I am having a 121 or a 2 on 1 discussion with people I hardly know, I get so tense.

I tell you, it’s this weird… I will willingly go and talk to an audience of a thousand strangers about any subject you want as long as there is one person back stage or on stage that I know is there, the more people I know, the better; than say, go into a small confined room where I am far away from a door with two complete strangers.

It’s a trust issue.

If people are friendly with me around three or four consecutive visits, I will relax to them very quickly and they go into my trust circle, but if they are rude or mean in anyway, they will never get into that sense of security with me.

It’s just the way I am.

I am very much a pack animal and without my pack I am lost.

My fitness efforts are part of my project to get myself fit enough to find myself a pack, so I can feel like I want to live again.

I think finding my tribe or people who want to be in my life, as the key to my happiness.  I did have a wonderful community here in Rugby before I got sick, but when my sickness got so bad I couldn’t leave the house anymore, people dropped me over a time.  Nobody wanted to come and visit someone who was so sick they could hardly talk and they couldn’t get off the sofa.  Especially as I wasn’t diagnosed with anything that was potentially fatal!

I was just recovering from pneumonia and having multiple chest infections over the years that meant I became very disabled, it badly affected my mobility and I gained a lot of weight. 

In 2017 I decided that perhaps food could be my medicine?  I read a book called “The Wahl’s Protocol” which enlightened me enough that I went on an elimination diet, no gluten, no lactose, no eggs, no soy and as paleo as you can get.  I did see some improvement but not a lot, but I then developed certain deficiencies.

I then decided to try going slowly back on everything; it was fine until I started back on soy and mustard.  Then I decided to listen to my body from when I used to be athletic – go back to a high protein diet.

It’s the protein I need.

It’s the protein fixing me.

I try to get 75g of it per day at minimum, but it’s hard on our budget and I am writing this on the 28^th October 2022 – today I haven’t been able to eat much at all.  I had some chicken barely enough to fill half a sandwich and a protein shake and a little light snack, but I was unable to keep things down today.  I had barely 800 calories worth of food, this is becoming regular these days and it’s scary.

Paul think its stress, because I can’t cope with Henry’s behaviour and Henry’s behaviour is worse at the dinner table, where things get so heated between everyone, my stomach goes into knots and I physically cannot eat more than a couple of mouthfuls for a couple of hours.

We have discussed that I should have a separate meal time, away from Henry.

Henry appears to be developing such bad behavioural problems that it is almost like autism, the thing is, he didn’t have any of the signs of this when he was younger.  He is nearly thirteen, but his behaviour is so erratic and sometimes dangerous that it puts tremendous stress on us, especially me.

I half believe he is putting it on, so he doesn’t go to school.  He also finds his behaviour hilarious and doesn’t seem to understand that this behaviour is not funny, the more we show our concern and try to calm him down or even ignore him, the worse he gets.  We can’t win. Paul believes there is something genuinely wrong with him, but I think he is playing us a fool.

Why do I say this?  Because Henry is a huge attention seeker and because I used to work with the mentally disabled, that are far more severe than Henry and they were adults and I can tell you now – Henry’s behaviour is extreme and Henry is an A+ student, he only acts like this when he wants attention or when he doesn’t want to do something.

This is something the school has noted.  Henry is fine in certain classes and when he is around his favourite people, but put him into things he don’t like, he goes berserk literally.  He isn’t violent, he just plays up – acts the fool, reverts back to a toddler, if you get me?

For example, whilst at home if he gets his favourite dinner he is happy, naturally.  But he starts to grin really big and make repetitive noises such as heeee heeee heeee almost donkey like and starts to bounce on his bottom rapidly and shake, then he will hand the food into his mouth without using knives and forks.

This gets him noticed, this causes a reaction from Paul – Henry sees this reaction and likes the attention, so does it all the more and does other things that Paul will notice and comment on, making Henry get all the worse.  Till it escalates and they scream at each other, Henry hits himself and runs away, Paul makes chase, scream, scream, scream, Henry comes back at the table going on about how everybody hates him.

It is happening daily.

It’s exhausting.

I have suggested that we talk to Henry calmly, I am ignored.  I have suggested not giving attention to bad behaviour but noticing and praising the good behaviours instead, I am ignored.

When Henry has lunch when Paul is out, he never acts like this.

This is why I have severe reservations about leaving Henry with Paul.

Henry doesn’t react badly like this, when Paul is out, Henry is attentive, vain, clean and tidy when it’s just me and him.  Around Paul he loses it, he doesn’t want to take care of himself, he doesn’t want to do anything good and I can understand why.  Henry gets more attention when he is bad and is completely ignored when he is good, except by me.

I over compensate for Henry’s good behaviour, because I know it is lacking from his father.

There are times when Henry and I speak together away from Paul, because both of us do not want to trigger another screaming match by being overheard.  Henry often talks about how he doesn’t feel wanted or loved and because I am anxious about any shouting going on around me because of my PTSD, I am eager to be out of ear shot of Paul when he tells me these things.

It’s difficult here.  This is why I am finding it hard to do much.

I am constantly drained; I am running on empty lately.  Whenever I sit or lie down, I am inadvertently falling asleep very easily.  I have black circles under my eyes and it’s not lack of sleep or dehydration.

Sorry for such a long post, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Thanks for reading. 

Mini book of me.

WARNING – approximately 5k and first draft unrevised, don’t want to revise it; too much to do, did re-read it all to Paul, he says its fine. It’s an honest insight to my personality, thoughts and feelings, though not comprehensive. A lot of explicit details which some viewers erm readers may find shocking! *Shrugs* warned you.

Today’s post is a huge insight to me as a person or at least how I view myself, the good and the bad – why do I want to share this?  Because I think it will answer a lot of questions for the people interested, also a greater understanding why I have been tardy to start my life as well as my creative projects.

It has been mentioned many times before that my start in life was a bumpy one, growing up with a toxic narcissistic and hedonistic parent that isolated me, overfed me and was Munchausen when I was healthy and neglectful when I wasn’t and who destroyed my social life time and time again.

I will not give too many details about what went on in my life before I finally and permanently got away from her, when I was twenty seven – but I think you should know, I underplayed a lot of the things that happened – a lot!  What I have said in the past is enough.

I would say my biggest issue with new people is trust – I have been blackmailed by various people my whole life, that if I sense anyone trying it on with me in the future, even just a little bit, I walk.

Yes, I know other people have emotional baggage too, I understand that and I am loving and caring towards people, but to place their problems on my shoulders then cry about how I don’t care enough, to me is emotional blackmail and I don’t stand for it.  I don’t like anyone making demands of me, if I have not invited them into my life willingly. 

I am tired of taking on people who never considers my thoughts and feelings but always demands I must consider theirs, I have been self-sacrificing for too long and it saddens me.

It saddens me that people want to do this to me time and again, because all I want is to love someone and be loved unconditionally and to care for someone in my own way and to just have a happy life – I need vibrant people, even if they have baggage, they have to be able to rise above it, sigh, take a deep breath and try their hardest to get on with it without burdening others.  This is how I am and I am sure I can’t be the only person out there who can do this?

If you know anything about chakras, you’d understand that my throat chakra is always blocked and I practically live with a sore throat all the time with the amount of stuff I don’t talk about – the amount of stuff I refuse to burden others with.

I have lived with so many energy vampires, I attract them, because of my fake vibrancy (yes I fake it, because I don’t like to zap others) and so I have to become picky about who enters my life in the future.

I am an understanding friend, I will be a pillar of support when you really need me – but ultimately, I am not someone who likes to sit back and wallow.  I am the sort of friend who seeks out the funny side of things, often quite inappropriately and childishly, it is the way I cope.

When I talk fast, apologise a lot with lots and lots of insane giggles, you know I am not coping with the energy around me and I am trying to lighten the atmosphere.

I may even become over the top caring, to the extent I do random acts of stupidity like impulse hugging the person who is sad etc. and then I leave the room and cry in embarrassment about how I acted like a moron in there and can I ever look the person in the face again? as they misunderstood my intention as something that was, you know… a bit too intimate?

I haven’t got out much – seriously I haven’t, I have very little social skills and I am very childish.

When I make friends, I am like a child in kindergarten – what do you do for fun?  What’s your favourite colour?  What’s your favourite food?  Do you have any pets?  I know it’s not normal adult conversation, but that comes easy for me!  These are questions that come to the top of my mind all the while, because these things genuinely interest me about a person!

I do weird new people out, it’s just me…

I like professional conversations or conversations about events that are happening with new people around me, as I can focus on those things and not make a fool of myself, as much.

So, this school is great isn’t it?  Love the fete that’s on right now, what stalls have you been at so far?  Isn’t Mr whatever lovely with the children?  Those conversations make me seem normal.

Some women avoid me because I am quite tall and muscular for a woman.  I am 5ft 8 but I used to weight lift a lot when I was younger and so I have a lot of defined features, basically I look like I shot put; which is a massive contrast to both my bone frame (medically petit) and my sweet fairy face, as some people describe me.

Before I got mono and pneumonia which made me really ill with a permanently bad chest back in 2014 ish, I could carry a man that weighed 248llbs across the room with a bit of struggle, now I struggle to lift Henry two inches off the ground, he is twelve years old and 116llbs and 5ft 3. 

I am hoping to get healthy to manage to lift 250llbs again, I know it will take a couple of years work, but it’s one of my goals.  I have no intention of doing weight lifting professionally nor having very ugly large muscles where I lose my bust, no way, not for me! It’s not ladylike!

But I do know with my muscle mass that it is virtually impossible for my body to weigh less than 180llbs because of the work I did in my youth.  One amazing thing about my body, which I love, is how narrow my waist always seems to remain, I am an hourglass shape and I often get comments about how long my legs are too!

I have big feet, which according to grandma means that babies will cannon ball out of me; I didn’t believe her, until the midwife nearly dropped Henry on his way out!  Now there’s an image for you!

I love the colour of my eyes, though I find them too squinty, but I am kind of proud of them as it shows I have some throwback genes of my four or five great grandpa’s Vietnamese roots, they are also the rare colour green. 

I am self-conscious of my laugh and smile, even though I seem to endlessly giggle – believe me its anxiety, stress and nerves!

I sound like a horse racing commentator when nervous and I often exhaust myself quite quickly when I am stressed out and meeting new people; It takes me a few meets to get comfortable enough to talk freely with a person, but it depends on how nice they are and kind.

I am very body aware and self-conscious because I have certain things about my body I don’t like. 

I have lots of small scars for example, in weird places a sort of small birthmark style thing which makes me self-conscious about showing my back, it’s not big, but I know it’s there; which seems to be inherited as my mum and gran had the same thing. 

I have pigmentation patches on the tops of my legs and lower abdomen (the abdomen patches has faded completely now) which an ex once said he believed wasn’t a pigment problem, he said it was just dirt – so that helps confidence a lot doesn’t it?  I showered daily and he knew it!

I don’t know my own strength a lot of the time, too.  Some people think I deliberately hurt them when I hug them, I don’t, I am just a klutz and accident prone.  I am a nightmare doing the dishes because I have a problem with my left hand; it’s weaker than my right because of tendon issues and I am known to break wine glasses just by holding them. 

My body is unpredictable in that it swells up and goes down in short notice, it’s really weird and significant, I literally wake up fatter or slimmer day to day, I never know what the day is going to be like and often it makes my face swell too!  When my body swells it often makes me look nine months pregnant!  Which is yikes!

We’re relying on a broken NHS system to figure out what’s wrong with me, but they haven’t managed to diagnose why yet.

I hate the inconsistencies and lately I am paranoid about my hair, because I am developing alopecia in a particular place, which makes me have perfect brushed hair like Sandra bullock, but with a fuzzy top like weird brown exotic grass sitting on my head! Thanks long covid!

As a child and teenager I used to have a lisp and stammer that was quite bad, but not as bad as a friend of mine, that is still friends with me to this day because we bonded over our speech impediments.  By the time I was Sixteen my stammer and lisp had completely gone thanks to intense speech therapy – unfortunately in the past two years the stammer is slowly coming back. 

I think it’s because I am out of practise of talking, in all seriousness, my therapist did tell me the more I talk the less I will stammer!

My stammer is annoying as it is worse when I am trying to shout or argue with someone, I can’t be taken seriously, because the stammer just makes a mock of me!

I am talented in doing voices, but still the stammer can come and go whenever it likes.

As for my habits, I only drink to socialise at dinners and parties and limit myself to three alcoholic beverages; yes I am the bore who asks for water or fruit juice. 

I try to drink three glasses of water per day, a chamomile tea and green tea.  I am now only having Pepsi or cherry cola once a week and only one glass, hurray me!  Oh and I love cranberry juice and smoothies.

I don’t smoke and never will. 

I don’t like to sunbathe, bad for the skin and I am a bit of a vampire really… though I love playing in the water, or when I am at beaches I am a big kid digging trenches, playing with the sand and rock pooling or burying the ones I love… all normal here… I say that about beaches, but only been to a beach twice in my life.  I tend to go to the fake beaches that are inland, you know, the lidos and the thingamabobs. 

I am a water baby though, love swimming, get me a pool you will struggle to get me out, also love those diving boards!

I am a bit of a germ-phobic too, I clean my laptop etc. whenever anyone I believe is unsanitary has used it and I am reserved about. 

I don’t have much to talk about except for recent things, because I have so far had a boring life, its best for me to talk about what’s going on immediately in my life and what I plan for it in the future.

I love cooking for people; I like to feed people, but nice food, healthy foods.  It is one of my joys in life, especially if the food it made from scratch by me, like lasagne with all the homemade sauces not canned stuff from a supermarket!

I am easily bored so I am always looking to be doing anything else at any time and I love people who motivate me to do things, like, go for a walk, or anything!  I am happy for change; I easily stagnate when I am around people who do nothing.

I am very modest in what I want from life and people, I like praise but I don’t take it well, it kind of embarrasses me to have people be nice to me and that.  In fact that’s a weird thing about me, whenever people are super kind and nice to me, I tend to need to leave the room and cry because I am not used to it and I don’t know why I am like that!

I am prone to nervous stomach as well, which is a huge embarrassment!  My stomach gets unnecessarily noisy and I can’t control it!  Groan grumble groan, groan, like some moany old man and sometimes, depends on the situation or people I am dealing with – now this is excessive anxiety, usually bought on by having medical procedures or dealing with people who I am afraid of, but I visibly shake and my teeth chatter.  I can’t hide my emotions very well when I am anxious. 

Thankfully, on a general note I tend to be braver than the average person, or so Paul seems to think so!

When people hurt my feelings or are mean to me or shout too much around me and there is a lot of anger in the room, I tend to leave the room and get away from that kind of energy until I think the person has calmed down.  I also try not to speak to them if I bump into them again and leave the ball in their court to speak first, so I don’t screw up; because it’s likely I will start with the inappropriate jokes, usually on the person’s behalf and it can blow up again.

I have the habit of saying “no offense” immediately before or after I have insulted someone, because often I have the habit of saying what I think and then thinking oops, but also I am kind enough to arm a person before a supposed insult ensues.  I don’t really mean to insult people and don’t go out of my way to.  But I have been known to say things like… “No offence, but that was bitchy of you just then” or “No offence, but you are a little behind with the times”.

If a person is an asshole, they’ll know I think that too… just too honest for my own good!

But the thing is… some assholes are actually nice assholes!  What I mean is a certain type of dominant that has gusto, poise and finesse can get away with it if they putting down someone nastier, but not a regular asshole who is an asshole for assholes sake!

I don’t want any trouble, but I will give trouble if it comes my way; I am feisty, like I was raised to be!  Because my past had a lot of violence and abuse in it, it means that threatening me with violence is a dumb idea, because I’ve been there done that, worn the t-shirt got tough and so what is the big deal huh?  You want to hurt me?  You’re going to get some pain too!  Sorry, but I do not back down to bullies, it took me twenty seven years to build that strength, I am not going to be a victim again!

I’ve played with some nasty people over the years and I know all the dirty tricks and I’ve learned over the years that the people likeliest to try and abuse me are all soft pussys who never experienced it themselves and will curl in a ball shouting mama, no sooner had I slapped them back!

People think because I have had an abusive past that I am a victim for the rest of my life, yes some women get destroyed by it and never find their courage, but I am one of these that the more I was abused the thicker my skin got and let’s put it this way… Paul can vouch for the truth in this, I broke my leg and it hurt a lot!  But I didn’t feel I needed the doctor, I didn’t see any protruding bones etc, but I could walk on it and I did for nearly nine months until a doctor accidentally bumped my leg with his chair and I screamed, asked what happened, told them, they sent me for an x-ray and found I was living with a break the whole time! That’s one of the reasons Paul decided to get me away from my family.

That’s how much I’ve had in my life, so much that breaking my leg was nothing to me.

I am not saying this to impress anyone.  I am saying it to put a point across, that I am not going to be abused again, not in a way that is detrimental to me. 

I like dominant self-assured guys who know what they like, I love and admire that.  A guy can dominate a woman without destroying or hurting her.  I have a past in the lifestyle, what is the lifestyle you ask?  I have been an active part of the BDSM community and there are guys out there who are not abusive, but tender, nurturing and protective of their women.  The total opposite to what society thinks the lifestyle is about.

Ironic that my past domestic violent relationship outside of my childhood home was vanilla and was a very religious man to boot – vanilla is what we in the lifestyle call non-BDSM couples!

My mental health and my strength to stand up for myself would never have happened if it weren’t for these wonderful men training me how to overcome it all.

Because I was used to pain, I began to self-harm when I didn’t get regular bouts of pain – weird I know.  I self-harm when I am stressed.  These guys helped me with that; they toned down the punishment I’d do to myself to a safe sane level under their control. 

I can take a lot, so I am pretty fun to play with in the scene.  But don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not abuse, because it is something I have agreed on and no one goes beyond another person limits.  There are safe words and understandings, everything is talked through, and everyone is respected including the submissive!

But I tell you now, it takes a very special person to get me in the lifestyle, because a couple of my exes were amazing men.  I have found it very hard to replace them.

Why am I not with them anymore?  The first one I was jealous of their new submissive as they were polyamorous, the second one went to war and came back mentally unstable and felt for my sake, he should let me go.

I didn’t live with them though.

I feel bad for the first one, because jealousy is no longer an issue for me and I am currently in an open relationship with Paul, where he actively seeks other women – however, Paul is the least dominant person I’ve ever met, despite meeting him in a lifestyle community room.

Paul has been pushing me to find someone else for a long time, someone who will bring out the Empress in me, because Paul thinks I am naturally dominant, but I don’t see it personally.  He thinks I would have been quite a formidable woman had it not have been for my toxic upbringing.

I don’t think he knows me that well.  When I am in love and I respect a man a lot because of their gumption, good manners, and self-certainty and so on, I go weak at the knees and it is Yes Sir all the way! As long as I feel respected and above all cherished like a favourite pet! 

Some of you no doubt are disgusted by all of this, but I don’t care.  It’s me, like it or not.

All I want from life is someone to respect me, look out for me, protect me, guide me, nurture me, help make me the best that I can be by keeping me on track with my goals, motivate me, love me so much it feels unreal.  I want dogs, a herd of goats and guinea pigs, an aquarium, a large garden I can turn into a food forest, some more children and endless amounts of art supplies and a cosy home. 

I am forty now, I don’t know how many kids I can have before I dry up!  But if I become rich due to a lottery or becoming a bestseller, I think I’d have my eggs stored so I don’t miss out on a new family.

The Italian, Irish and Greek blood in me is so strong; I need to be mama to a large brood!  It is something I’ve always wanted, but my relationships have always controlled that.  I love family life, but unfortunately things contrived to leave me virtually without one.  I only really have Paul and Henry now.

All I want to do is share my ideas with the world, my art, and my stories, perhaps start a new weird sub-culture because of my works and see other people play or be inspired by my ideas!  I want to garden, I want to go to dog sport events with my future trained pups and cook good food for good friends.  I’d like to go to the occasional country fair and things like that.  A simple life really, filled with love and passion for everything.

This post is becoming a bit of a novella I suppose; it is very long right now. But I want you to know me more, I don’t know why I want to do this, I have some kind of instinct it’s a good thing to post out there.

But one thing I have problems with is my chronic embarrassment by how I look and talk, smile and laugh.  I don’t want this body, I want a new one.  I like being 5ft 8, I like having green eyes, I like having the narrow waist and the legs that go all the way up, but it’s everything in between I hate.

I hate my big nose, I hate my shape of the face, it’s an inverted triangle, how ugly, makes me look like I have huge jowls and I squint too much!

What I hate more than anything is, I can’t shout, because I stammer and because my voice breaks and screeches like Madeline Kahn from History of the world part 1, I can’t sound composed and mature when I need to shout suddenly.  If I work up to it by thinking about it before shouting, I can sound a bit, sergeant major like, but a sudden shout will be a screech.  So embarrassing!

Anyway not much positive stuff yet I know, but I am getting there.

I know I care very deeply for people who are in my life, whether they are neighbours (except the bad one) or friends or family or mere acquaintances I see often in town.  I don’t ever walk away from a person in need, even a stranger, even if I get into trouble for it from my bosses because I left my post to help a woman who was having a heart attack.

I believe the whole world is a family, we’re all cousins and I don’t like it when people disagree I find it so short sighted.

I always thank people who serve me whether it’s protocol or not!  I don’t care for protocol if it means we forget our manners!

I am the sort of person who’ll wipe the table down at a café or restaurant before anything else and will tip generously if the service was genuinely friendly and nice and sometimes leave a message for their bosses about how lovely the specific and named worker was. 

I can’t walk past homeless people without giving them food or water, unfortunately when I am out with some people they grab me by the arm and move me away from them because they know I am so generous.

I often do the gardening without shoes, which worries Paul a lot.

I have all sorts of weird holistic remedies for people I love, if they need it.  Got a stomach ache?  I have a crystal for that you should hold.  Got a headache?  Rub your head with the nearest pebble and throw it away.  That sort of thing; I eat flowers too, some are edible.

I garden organically and with nature’s aid, got a pest problem?  I will endeavour to encourage pest eaters to the garden!

I like fantasy, sci-fi, dystopian, comedy, animation, non-slash horror, martial art and mafia movies.  I am addicted to vampire movies, Pixar movies, DC and Marvel.

I like reading a lot and there are always around ten to fifteen books on my bedside cabinet!

I like doing oracle readings and tarot readings for people who are close to me.

I can’t drive a car or ride a bicycle, never learned.

I am terrified of horses but will go near them as I like them, but I am too scared to get within touching distance.

I am more of a dog person than a cat person.  I love cats too, though, but I do tend to get sinus problems around them if I am with them too much, same with pug specific dog hair, but I love all animals so I think its worth the suffering!

I don’t know why it’s just pugs, but there you go.

I have an excellent strong sense of smell, which makes me really sensitive to all kinds of odours and I have a strong gag reflex!

I have quite a prominent mustard allergy unfortunately, it makes my spleen swell! I also have issues with eating soy occasionally.

My biggest food problem (as in the foods I love too much) are cream and dairy anything, lamb, kebabs, southern fried chicken, Indian and Chinese food.  I mostly have a Mediterrean mixed Asian diet though.

I have five different personalities that come out from time to time, a masculine me, a kawaii/Lolita loving me, a gothic me, mother of the world me and a jock me. 

I do love sports, despite being fat and unfit.  I’ve been housebound for eight years!

I love watching sports, but I love doing them too.  A major part of my depression has been what I describe as physical boredom.  I love to move my body, but I am not motivated when I live with or am around lazy sedentary people. 

Unfortunately, although Paul walks everywhere, he loves to be immobile most of the time and me being a water dog, I flow with those around me.  So if people are stagnant around me, I stagnate too.

I really do become the energy of the people around me the most.

Before my illness, I loved Tae-bo, netball, Frisbee, swing ball, belly dancing, skipping, rowing machine, power walking, hurdling, swimming, lots of sports.  There is a sport in the UK called rounder’s which is like baseball really, I love that at picnics.

On TV I like to watch gymnastics, rugby, wrestling, horse racing, dog sports and other things.

I am a positive person really, I always see the good in most things, and I have a Pollyanna type problem lol.

When people first get to know me I am very open and honest immediately with little or no reservations after the first few meets, but tend to allow others to lead conversations bore I get comfortable with them.  It puts some people off, making them think I am trying to put them off, but I am not.  I just like to let people know where I stand and set boundaries immediately.  I don’t mean to come across defensive with things like “so why did you want to contact me then”? 

If they happen to start to talk to me online for an example.

I am over excited when people are nice to me too, as it’s a novelty.  Stupid as it sounds.  It takes a lot to bite my tongue about things so I don’t sound weird, but often I just want to blurt out to kind people things like this… “omg you are so sweet, I love you for that”, but I hold back with an “oh wow, or that’s nice”.

My music tastes are jazz, rock and easy listening.  But I like opera and classical music too and weird modern classical like Nox Arcana, I suppose that’s the best way to describe it?  Though saying that, it is dark fantasy or gothic instrumental.

I consider myself in having mostly Jewish ideas, though I am not Jewish.  My ancestors were but not me; my parents raised me to be Christian and Jehovah Witness.  I don’t hold with their beliefs.  I think of myself more of a Noahide/Ben Noach with a lot of spirituality with it, some pagan stuff and Buddhism and I love myth and folklore.  But I do believe in just one god, all other gods from pagan beliefs etc I think were just spirits perhaps angels that got misunderstood or whatnot.

I don’t believe Hell is for humans, I don’t believe in being god fearing, because fear comes from the devil, love comes from god.

My personal addictions are perfume, sparkly things (but I don’t like wearing jewellery casually or wearing makeup) formally though make up and jewellery is essential.  I have a caffeine problem I am overcoming.  I love fleece and faux fur (fake fur) and cotton. 

I love cushion forts and can easily get addicted to video games, I have a huge gaming past and I am trying to curb it these days. Doing well with that actually!

I love war games, Rome Total War and real strategy games.  I am a master of ancient warfare; I was 5^th in the world leader board for the original Rome Total war twenty years ago, for being one of the best generals in the world. 

For a woman I have a lot of weird hobbies and knowledge.

I know how to change a fuse and build a wall and change the water in the car, weird things like that.

My experience of being passed around different relatives as a child, meant I experienced lots of different family lives and I learned that the bigger the family the calmer the environment and easier it is to actually feed them all.  Sounds counterproductive, but it works!  Really less than three children is hard work!  More than five kids is easier!  I know it sounds nuts, but its quieter, because they keep each other amused and there is less sibling rivalry.

Henry is extremely demanding and hard work as he constantly needs attention as an only child. I warned Paul about this, but he didn’t want to risk me getting sicker by having more children.   I can’t force Paul to get me pregnant, so I didn’t have anymore.  He knows I resent this, because he hasn’t respected my choice with my body.  But the thing is, he does want more children.  The other thing is, we are in an open polyamorous relationship, where he is going to be getting another woman pregnant someday and I am sitting there not having another baby.  Which is hard to digest!

I have struggled to have any kind of life outside of everything I have said in all the above paragraphs, because I have been controlled by other people all my life and I have put myself aside for them. I am also trying to boost my confidence to get a life, because I am scared.

I don’t know how to react and socialise in a normal acceptable kind of way. I am ugly and so even when I fake confidence, people call me pretentious and all sorts of horrid names.

The amounts of time I have thought about suicide, just so I can have a fresh start.

I have heard I am getting popular, Paul has told me certain people have told him things. Whether its true or not I don’t know, it could just be his attempt to boost my confidence, but if its true – it’s terrifying me the kinds of attention I am getting.

Why are they so interested in me in a nice way?

I am not that talented, I am just weird, nervous, I live in the clouds and I am ugly, I am fat and honestly… if they showed up I’d hide. I’d probably swear out loud, run away and vomit in a corner somewhere because of the attention. I’m a mess. Or sometimes, as I have been known to do this instead when I am a little more brave, is become too friendly if you get me? Almost desperate like.

I am fascinated and confused by the attention Paul claims I am stirring up in some people. You know I don’t get it, but Paul is getting fan mail. Fan mail? Really?

I haven’t done anything yet!

Nothing significant, this blog is nice, but its underworked and certainly not what I call my best work!

So what’s the big deal?

I don’t get it.

I love you for being interested in me, but I don’t get it.

There is a handful of people, not just one or two and I don’t get it.

I think though, I might not get it, even if I am a bestselling author someday.

I think, it’s all dream and nothing has happened yet!

People contact Paul more than me – I invite you to talk to me directly, either on twitter DM or my email at TheTardyCreative@gmail.com Paul is tired of the questions and the cryptic stuff. I am more than happy to talk in depth with you all.

I can’t think about what else to say about me.  Other than I am so confused. I have been writing this for nearly two hours now and it is 5k long, so I am posting this as a mini book of insight to my personality.  I don’t think it’s full and comprehensive, but it will have to do for now, because my fingers are icy cold and going stiff.

But all I want is love, a few more children, a lot of pets, good food, friends, to be creative and have a lovely forest garden and some health and fitness, is that too much to ask for?

I feel like deleting this and wasting those two hours, but Paul won’t let me.

Happy reading!

Push or die?

I will not be participating in Inktober this year due to lack of supplies and lack of money to buy new supplies.

I will not ask for a crowdfund for Inktober, I have had friends online suggest I do this, but I am uncomfortable with that.  Also, I don’t think I’d have the time between now and my deadline to do four hours of artwork per day on top of it all.

I am having a hard time emotionally in the last few weeks, lots of bad news in the family, near and far. 

Really, instead of sticking to my deadline I should take a couple of weeks off everything but housework and child rearing to recuperate; but I set this goal and I won’t forgive myself unless it is accomplished, even if I don’t get an agent like I want to, at least I can say I did try on my set timeframe.

I will miss doing Inktober, I enjoy this event every year and I tend to do my best artwork during those times (autumn theme is the best), but this year I just can’t manage the time to do it.

I am juggling my own mental health problems along with my son’s problems and Paul’s stress about the heat or eat crisis here in the UK as well as general family grief over the diagnosis of cancer of two relations, the death of a cousin and the loss of a child friend who recently broke her back horse-riding and has to live for several months in a hospital fifty miles away and my own yet to be diagnosed neurological issue.

Henry’s issues are existential, he is having gender crisis issues and is suicidal because he wants to be both genders at the same time, but is being severely bullied at school over it as well as his very elaborate fashion tastes, a penchant for pink, faux fur and glitter as well as tailored clothing; it isn’t so bad, but he is being picked on because of his surname and the fact that he speaks excellent King’s English – in other words he is quite posh for the area.

The bullies threw sticks and stones at the house at the start of the year, the police had to deal with it.

It is hard to manage his behaviour at times, because he is constantly punishing himself physically and it is exhausting to constantly be his sentinel to watch him and physically stop him harming himself.  Paul blames Dobby from Harry Potter for him starting this, because before Henry got into Harry Potter, he’d never harm himself.  Although people find Dobby funny, living with a child who is re-enacting what Dobby does is far from humorous, it’s downright blooming scary, especially when the child starts punching himself in the chest during dinner and forgetting he has a knife and fork in his hands!

This is not the reason however, that Paul and Henry often argues with each other over, on the contrary, it’s almost everything, they see eye to eye on very little.

For me it is mostly mental exhaustion, because Henry is particularly challenging lately.  I am also exhausted because I have no social life and the only person I have to talk to is exhausted both physically and mentally to the extent we hardly talk more than twenty minutes per day together alone anymore – Paul.

I haven’t written towards my novel since the 20^th September 2022, hopefully by this posts scheduled date I’d have written more towards it, but it is difficult. 

I am trying to keep myself active in some kind of creativity though, mostly poems and scheduling blog posts, reading about how to structure different kinds of poetry and learning about screenwriting, just to keep doing something to keep me sane.

But I have to say, I am struggling to make sense about anything and I am pretty sure in a couple of months’ time, when things have calmed down a bit more and I re-read this month’s posts, I will wonder where the heck my mind was all through these weeks?

A couple of friends of mine have DM me who are already published authors, they believe because of my stressful time and because it is generally a bad time of the year for finding representation, that I should hold off until February – but I am debating this.

You see, I fully want to approach an agent before Christmas, because I’ve planned it for so long.  January I will start my YouTube channel and I will look into affiliate programs and my blog will become more focused too, with photographs of me and my artwork etc.

I am determined that life starts at forty and I am forty on the 3^rd October 2022.

Paul is super stressed out by my proclamation of starting a new life in October, because he sees his cup as half empty and doesn’t see how I am able to do all my plans for a new life, when we can’t pay our heating bills and our food budget is going to be halved from next month. Remember I’ve said in the past I don’t go to doctor appointments anymore, because we can’t afford the taxi fare, well, whether I am sick or not from next month or onwards, I can only go now in a life or death situation, meaning I am neglecting myself medically all the more!

It’s that or food, or it used to be like that – now its the doctor, food or heating and we’re choosing food right now, we’ve stocked up on hot water bottles and over the years we’ve bought fleece blankets, thank goodness!

But I say, financially our lives will improve from January, because I am stubborn and I will make something happen, I am not like Paul – I don’t like making do and I don’t like making excuses for being in poverty, I don’t whine and sit back hoping for someone to give me a leg up.

I was bedbound sick for years, but I eventually got a little better and now able to do more around the house – but still not strong enough for my January plans – but still, I am going to force it, because I can’t stand this life!

I refuse to tolerate it any longer!

Paul has convinced himself our relationship is over once I get published, because he doesn’t see why I would want to stick around, it’s almost like he is pushing me away these days.

My choice is to push myself out of the mud no matter what the pain or the embarrassment or commit suicide; one or the other and I chose life!

Happy reading…

My views on Mr Perfect (not the wrestler)

I have mentioned before and I will probably say it again, I am not like other women, I don’t go in for too many romance scenes and weak female roles in my stories.  Yes, there are some love scenes in a handful of my works, but generally it isn’t all googly eyes and sweet nothings, it is usually love in a deeper sense or some kind of strange dynamic and understanding between the two in question.

I have never been a romantic person and in my own relationships I tend to fall into a sexual relationship with those who I have a deep friendship and connection with, because we understand each other and accept each other.  I don’t go around chasing for the perfect man in the perfect scenario and drive myself crazy with how perfect everything must be!

I don’t believe in chemistry in the usual sense of the word, I believe in mutual respect and understanding and a close friendship where you can be completely open and honest with each other – if you don’t have that, I really don’t understand why people waste their time bothering with each other, because the relationship is likely to fail eventually without those things!

That’s just me I suppose, I know my ideas about relationships are not popular ones, especially as I am so open about being bisexual and involved in an open/polyandrous/polygamous relationship.

I have never been a person who chases trends and normality, I am very bohemian in my ways and I truly believe the spice of life is variety.  Yes, I know, I have said it before – my stories have taboo themes in them, now you are beginning to get the picture – but those scenes are reserved for my adult audience pseudonym.

I have this belief where nature never intended for any creature to be monogamous, so why do we cut ourselves up emotionally when we try to enforce an unnatural law onto ourselves?

It doesn’t make us any better than the other animals in the world – it just makes us more stressed out and unproductive – literally!

Life is too short to be picky and waiting around for Mr. Perfect, life is too boring not to take advantage of the fun that is out there!

In my experience the more open and honest you are about your most deepest desires in life and talk about them without shame, the more likely you are to find your tribe, which think like you, the more likely you are to find your peace and your true love.  Just because I am in an open relationship doesn’t mean I value any less the people I am involved in, it just means I do not burden them all the time with making them my one and only.  That can be stressful on your lover, to make them feel that they are the only one for you, it is a big responsibility to live up to and it can put a strain on your relationship in itself.  Best to spread yourself around a bit, as long as you are open about it to everyone you are in a relationship with… don’t want heartaches and jealousy do we?  Be open!

That’s my two cents on the matter.

Happy reading!

Open honesty and healing

Henry is my inspiration to keep on going despite the depression, Henry is my son and he turned twelve on Sunday.

Other than him, the other things which keep me going are things I have to work hard to find and think about – it can take some training to learn how to remove yourself from your present state and look at yourself as though you are a stranger or a friend. 

Most people can’t bear to look at themselves in a positive light, because most of them feel too attached to who they are, that they forget that everyone and everything is changeable and that if you just forget that you are you, for just a few moments, you can then see clearly and work things out in yourself. 

For me, I stand back and pretend I am as perfect as I want to be – I imagine seeing the imperfect me right in front of me (easier to do in front of a mirror) but instead of judging who I see, I imagine that I love this person tremendously, because they have potential that they do not see – that they are in effect = my child!  A child who is very sensitive and a child who has been treated badly by others, a child who you have rescued and adopted!

You have to see yourself this way, so that you act cautiously and lovingly towards this frightened, abused and mislead creature; because you are going to be the one who rescues it wholly, changes it for the better and you are going to be the one who will make it happy and healthy!

Don’t see this person as the adult it might be, see it as a very young child, because that will trick your brain, a good method in making it more believable would be to make yourself look more childish, dress the part and put a mirror at a lower level than you, so you are looking down (effectively making yourself look smaller).

This works for me at times, when I have the opportunity to be alone. 

For me, one of the biggest healing methods is the “inner child nurturing therapy” I have kind of learned about in dribs and drabs over the years.  Your parents were either good or not, but now you are an adult, you have to parent yourself and you must do it with the kindness of a good parent!

As a good parent, if something happens in your life that makes you uncomfortable or someone says or does things to you that makes you uncomfortable it is your responsibility to take it into hand and to tell the person that you don’t like it and to please stop.  You need to think in your mind, that this child needs someone to stand up for it and you are the only one who can do that, because this child needs to be saved from anymore turmoil.

In order to do this, you need to start understanding that you need to heal, you need to acknowledge the fact that you need change and that you and only you, can speak up about how things make you feel and to explain that this bad thing another person has done to you, is a trigger – so please stop.  If the person is a true out and out bully and they find amusement in this and continue their behaviour or it gets worse, then you need to remove yourself from this person or seek professional help via the police, because no one has the right to make you feel like a laughing stock for your sensitivities – no one has the right to do this to another person, so please stop taking their shit!

Would you tolerate a bully doing this to your adopted badly neglected and abused child?  If not, then why are you tolerating it for yourself?  What makes you different from that child?

Nothing, nothing at all!

You only believe you are worthless and you deserve it, because for so many years you have allowed other people to dictate to you how you should or shouldn’t think about yourself, instead of understanding that it is just lies to control you  in order to inflate their own egotistical needs!

So stop it, stop it now – stop feeding their egos – stop making them feel good, when you feel so awful!

Consider this…

What wonderful changes have you done to the world simply because you exist right now?

STOP THINKING TOO BIG ABOUT THIS ANSWER!

The little things count too!

I remember things I have done in my life that have helped others, without me, they would never have got through certain things – everyone on this planet has done this!  Only you were so busy abusing yourself that you didn’t realise and remember you did it.

I will give a few examples from my own life, which make me feel better about existing…

When I was 6yrs old a new girl came to join my class late in the year, she had muscular dystrophy and couldn’t make friends because other children saw her as very different, she was also mixed race and at the time this was still considered rather strange in the community I was raised in.  I was very popular in this school and I had a lot of friends, I didn’t like how people treated her and I told them all how I felt about what they are doing to her.

I told them I was very sad that people find enjoyment in hurting another person, especially a person who is so sick and very scared because she is new, that because they are mean to her I will sit with her and I will play only with her until they feel that they can be kind to her.

This changed and the girl became very popular too by the end of the week.  This young girl has always remembered me and she found me some years later to let me know that she is working towards a career in fashion now and she insists that this one day, changed her own opinion about herself and that it was because of me!  I never thought anything about it, because I left the school a few weeks later and literally thought everyone there would have forgotten me – but she didn’t!  She recognised me when we were in college, I didn’t recognise her, yet she still had her walking frame and though she did kind of stand out, I didn’t specifically associate this girl as her!

I have helped several complete strangers, one of which was an old lady in her eighties, she had her shopping bag on wheels caught in a drain and I was walking past and pulled it out without thinking.  She stopped me for a moment to thank me, and I said think nothing of it and walked off.  The old lady tried to call me back but I was late for work at the time and told her so – she eventually found me, it was easy because I was in uniform and she came to my workplace to seek me out and told my manager how nice I was to her and that she wanted to do something for me.  But I wouldn’t let her, she was so surprised at my kindness and said it was so rare these days that she tried to work something out with my boss.  But I wouldn’t let her reward me, she always remembered me as after this day, whenever we passed each other she’d say something friendly.

This same job place, there was a woman who was having a heart attack in store, she was frightened and the company said that in first aid situations like this, if you are late for your duties forego your humanity and get to your post – but I couldn’t leave this woman who was scared for her life.  I was reprimanded by the manager for being fifteen minutes late for the checkout services, but I wanted to go with the woman on the ambulance like she requested, but I was told I would lose my job.  She died, but later on in the week her daughter sought me out and told me what her mother said about what I tried to do for her and she gave me a gift.  Meanwhile, they spoke harshly to the manager about their mistreatment of me.

I also found a lost child, a young boy around ten years of age who couldn’t speak English, his mother couldn’t speak English either, when she found I was comforting her little boy and trying to find her, but her actions spoke louder than words.  Because she gripped my arm and bowed her head several times to my arm and I presume was thanking me wholeheartedly.  I think they were Chinese but I am unsure.  But that little boy could have come to great harm where he was, because he was so frightened he was curled up in a ball crying when I found him in a place where a car could have parked and hit him as in that area, cars often parked up onto the pavements without thinking.

I have also rescued a handful of people from suicide, spoke them through their hard time online (people I never met, but had online friendships with). 

A few people have also turned away from a life of crime because of comforting words I supposedly had said to them which changed their ways and even gave a child a father.  What I mean is, I had a friend who fathered a child and his instant response was to run away and pretend she didn’t exist because he wasn’t ready to be a father.  I told him to speak this through with his girlfriend and work something out together about it, because running away will only cause both his girlfriend and daughter to hate him potentially.  He told me he was brutally honest to her about how he can’t commit to the child but he will do whatever he can to help her as long as he doesn’t have to live with them.  This worked out fine for them and in as little as eight months down the line he felt he had value as a father and eventually moved in and married her and now he is a happy present father.

A lot of people mess up their lives because they are afraid of being honest, because they think that their honesty is going to make things worse… how ironic, it is usually always the opposite!

Whenever someone has difficulties in their lives and they need a loved one to fully understand, they normally choose not to communicate it and things blow out of proportion.  I often suggest, well just tell them, but the answer is always – “I can’t, because (insert irrational fear here).  Those who have felt confident to do so, come back to me a few days later, thanking me, because, literally – their fear was worse than the reality of it!

My attitude is this… if a person hates you for your honesty and mistreats you for your honesty, then they don’t love you enough to be worthy of sharing your life!

Believe me when I say, there are more than enough people in the world who will share your beliefs, your traditions, your ways and ideas, you have just got to make the effort in looking for them and the only way you can do this, is by living your life as honestly and as openly as you can!

That is the key to good relationships – open honesty.

Thanks for reading!

I’m about to fall

Have you ever had a bad mental health day where you feel so down that when you walk around, you feel like you are about to pass out or that whenever you hear yet another bad thing turn up in your or your loved ones lives, you feel like you are about to drop where you stand?

I’ve been living in this kind of state for about a month now and it’s getting worse.

 I suppose if there has to be a positive note about it, at least I am not as suicidal as I was between 2013 and 2017, I suppose that is something.  But I can’t describe exactly why I feel on a constant state of near fainting, just because of mental stress…

This is one of the major reasons why, in spite of being physically ill, I have struggled to put words to paper for a while.

I have had two nervous breakdowns in the past, this is not like that, it feels different and the difference is scary!

It’s scary because it feels like I am so down in the dumps that my own heart is starting to pack up – because I have palpitations and my blood pressure is sky-rocketing even on Ramipril!

No I haven’t spoken to a doctor about it, because I don’t want therapy (of the mental kind), it makes things worse (experienced it, thank you).

The thing is, I have identified my problems, I have acknowledged what they are and worked out a method of overcoming them, but it is totally impractical right now, when I am too sick to do those necessary self-care essential things and what is more, I do not have the money to make one major difference possible.  You might say that money isn’t everything, but you know, for me, right now, it is a matter of if I have more money; I have a means to move out of one home and into another.

Now this is where the big Catch-22 comes into play!  You see, I know I need the money to do the major thing that will uplift me, but I am too sick and depressed to motivate myself to do it.  So until I decide at some point that I must suffer through the work in order to get some money, I won’t get through this!

I don’t have a support network that I can lean on and say… remove myself for a respite break from my current situation and get my thoughts together, then come back to it in a month or two – otherwise that would be exactly what I would seek out right now, someone who’d tolerate me for a month or two.

Because I don’t have that reprieve, I am more or less stuck, until my depression allows me to do the work I need to.

I am not using my depression as an excuse not to do the work, but if you knew how my depression is presenting itself right now, you would know that I am sleeping thirteen hours a day because I dread waking up each day, I wake up with the instant thought of “oh fuck it, I survived the night, how delightful” with the most sarcastic stance you can think of!

“Why, oh why, couldn’t I have drowned in my COPD mucus during the night?  What other kinds of shit experiences does the universe want me to experience today?”  Yes, I wake up with such enthusiasm.

Then I am made to feel guilty at 8:00am when my son bursts into the bedroom full of smiles and love for me and wishes me a great day, as he skips off to school!

Conflicted – much, I stay alive for him you know…

I think he knows it, he has planned as soon as he leaves school to become a father, so I must care for his grandchildren as a glorified unpaid babysitter for him.  Oh joy, no that’s not sarcasm, that is sincere, but then when can I feel that nobody needs me so I can just die?

That’s how I feel these days, I am literally plodding on like a zombie, one that is about to falter at any moment and it’s scary, but it is also exciting because… have I gone so far in my depression my body is finally going to give out?  Because, though I want things to get better for me, I feel hopeless, so in a big way, I am excited about death.

For those with a dark sense of humour you may find comedy in the fact that despite what I am saying here, I am drinking eight glasses of water a day, reducing sugar and fat wherever possible and has a mostly plant based non-vegetarian diet, meaning I do eat meat but it’s like 25% of my diet.  On good physical health days, which are not often, I do try and partake in high intensity interval training (HIIT) on my exercise bike and jogging or skipping on the spot five to ten times a day for 3 minutes a time.

To say I am not at war with myself would be laughable.

But that’s how it goes.

Thank you for reading!