Raven warrior day

Today I feel like a warrior, the raven warrior I used to be.

I feel like dressing up in my old black clothes and wearing my raven feathered necklace and rethinking about designing that raven feather cloak I have always wanted to make.

I miss my gothic make-up today; I used to be a Goth as a teenager and into my mid-twenties – a big contrast to the semi-kawaii style I like these days.

I was the Gothic Jock type at school, but also sort of nerdy – because I was an A & B grade student mostly and I was teased for it some of the time, though I never flaunted it and tried to conceal my grades wherever possible – because in my family, nobody got grades like that it is a sort of anomaly, a weird thing which I held close to my heart in shame.

My dad and his side of the family was the only people I felt comfortable knowing my grades, because on dad’s side of the family there are teachers and government workers, so education is important to them and it’s not a cause for shame there.

But today, I am the raven warrior again – or at least it’s the first time in years I feel like she’s been awakened again.

At least I do have some black clothes, though no make-up – at least I can sort of feel like my old self again, in part. 

A black lace cami, a long black skirt, a back flowing shrug, black socks though ruined by pink diamonds, but you can’t have everything in this place.  It’s a cheerful day, despite the kind of poetry I am producing and despite looking mournful – to me it’s a brighter day in my heart.

I wonder why the raven spirit in me is so strong today?

I used to be called Raven Mother by some people in the past – sometimes The Raven Warrior – sometimes The Vampire – sometimes the warrior goddess  and I tried to get people to call me Raven but they didn’t do it, because I guess they didn’t like my sense of humour in being known as The Raven Lunatic, haha.

Some people have no sense of fun – in fact most, don’t.

I had lots of interesting nicknames before I moved in with Paul and every ounce of my identity in all of them has gone, you wouldn’t recognise me now from what I used to be.

I may have been abused badly in my past and mostly isolated – but to be honest I did still socialise on my mother’s terms and I did so more often than I do now I live with Paul.  I may have been living day to day scared for my life with violence and unpredictable people and living day to day with loss after loss – but strangely enough, I was happier then than I am now.  I still don’t understand it.

Maybe I was happy because of how many people used to visit?  Maybe I was happier because I was a lot richer back then and never had to wait months between necessary non-food purchases?  Maybe I was happier because I had more personal freedom around the home, even though I had copious amounts of duties and chores to do between them?

I don’t know.

As I said, I am still puzzled by it.

How can someone be so happy in a situation where day to day they are not sure if they would be alive by the end of the day?

Food for thought I guess?

Yet when I was in that situation I was desperate to get away because I was under so much stress, I often had black outs because things got too much for me and I had to constantly make excuses to non-family people about why I can’t be normal, why I can’t just take their invitation on the spur of a moment etc – because there was often a violent backlash if I did.  Not from them or from me, but if my mother found out she’d go nuts and literally hunt the person down.

So the raven took her flight and said “Nevermore” to that situation and came to live with Paul.

Thanks for reading…

Moonlight Sonata

Listening to moonlight sonata fusion in metal and I can’t help but love it more than the original – thing is, I loved the original a lot anyway – but this is just so sweet!

I think this kind of music really speaks to my soul, I prefer a lot of metal fusion from classical music actually.  It’s super cool and it really helps me focus on the modern aspects of my vampire stories.

I listen to a lot of weird stuff when I am writing and Henry doesn’t like a majority of the music I listen to, he gets upset with it, which is why I isolated myself in my bedroom all the time these days so I can do my writing.

I can’t write very well or for prolonged periods without musical stimulation.

Moonlight sonata is one of the few classical pieces I used to be able to play on my keyboard actually; I am worried I have forgotten most of the music I once knew how to play, because Paul won’t spare the space for me to set up my keyboard in the house since 2012.  So I haven’t practised in over ten years. 

Thanks for reading…

Rock or metal? Whatever!

I feel like a vampire rock chick today, feel half gothic, half rock chick.

I have black jeans which is something but I want them ripped – not doing that to the pair I’ve got!

But I haven’t got what I really want today and that is a black jean jacket with red roses embroidered on it.  I have the white cami with a lace trim which is good, I can’t find my bike chain necklaces unfortunately or my SLAYER brooch and the box containing my heeled boots I bought a couple of years back but never wore is also lost!

I also had a box of cheap costume jewellery rings, again lost.

That’s the thing with this house; it tends to eat things and regurgitates them back up again a few months later in a sorry state usually!

I also haven’t got any decent make up; I want to wear red lipstick today and who the blazes has nicked my crimper?

I shouldn’t say rock chick really when I am listening to my vampire metal playlist – because the songs I am listening to are metal version of Vivaldi and O Fortuna with the occasional Marilyn Manson… don’t ask – just don’t ask!  It’s one of those days!

It’s also one of those days where I am concentrating a lot on vampires, dark poetry and general dark stuff and a little erotica with it too!

If I have days like these I must use it to those genres – I can’t force myself to focus on Project AD or Steampunk 1 when days like that happen – I have to go with my flow or to put it mildly, I will get fuck all done for ages!

And yes…. Seeing me head banging is productive because it gets me into the mood for a scene I want to write, lol – it’s that or I am banging  my head against the flipping writing desk!  Your choice!

Thanks for reading!

Someone New

A thousand years I have been a drain

A drain on human life

Living within the shadows

Drinking and spreading strife

I leave a trail of mourners

My legacy is real

Every night is someone new

Someone new I kill

A thousand years and still I go

Spreading death and causing woe

A thousand more I may yet exist

Because I was cursed when I was kissed

Granted the gift of eternal life

Cursed to spread death and strife

I exist to cause you pain

So each night I rise again

Someone new is approaching now

Someone new will die, I vow

droplets of rubies

I taste the blood in the pale moonlight

It nourishes me well and such a pretty sight

The droplets of rubies trickle down on the floor

Illuminated by moonlight how I want some more

Sorry if I ruin your day

I had a bout of depression yesterday that was pretty bad because I felt extra lonely.

So I created a lot of really down in the dumps poetry scheduled for today, but as the day moved on I felt happier in myself and so all of those poems are really passé now.

Please don’t worry, I was feeling dramatic – but I keep myself to myself when I am like that and start creating morose poetry and songs, like a sad vampire at a piano… think of The Vampire Lestat at the piano talking to Louis in the 1995 movie Interview with a vampire… it was that kind of creative vibe for me yesterday afternoon!

Hey it got work done didn’t it?

I don’t like to drown people in my sorrows offline and in my home; I like to keep my home and family at a happy place… I suppose then that Pollyanna hasn’t died yet in me, like I said she had a couple of months back!

There is hope for the little dear yet!

Thanks for reading… and I am sorry if I ruin your day with what’s to come!

I know it’s hard… but enjoy it?  *cringe*

My forsaken vampires

One of the most painful things about being a creative is the idea that you love to write things that the world tells you time and time again, they are sick of seeing around!

I love writing stories about vampires and for the past five years there is a lot of discrimination against vampire authors.

I join new creative communities and as soon as I mention that vampires are a third of my creations, well, let’s just say the respect is dropped greatly, shall we?

So, around five years ago I lost my confidence in writing about my vampires, which put a huge hollow in my heart virtually overnight – I used to write my vampires with excitement and pride and now when I do venture to write them I kind of do it with apathy and shame.

I mean why bother writing about vampires when you know the majority of the world is growing sick of them?

It hurts, it hurts a lot because up until this realisation a few years back, my vampires meant everything to me – I mean the reason why I wrote anything at all was because my primary focus was my vampires and I have been writing them since I was ten years old.  I know them, like long lost family, it is part and reason for the emotional experience I have known as “Hiraeth”. 

Hiraeth is Welsh for a longing or a home sickness for a place that doesn’t exist or a place you want to find in order to feel emotionally whole again.

I spent a third of my daily daydreams in my vampire stories, trying to ignore them and think of something the world would like.

It has got so bad my avoidance of writing for them that I have forsaken the movies and books I used to consume pertaining to vampire mythology in order to train myself not to want them anymore.

It is a huge upheaval and it is a little emotionally damaging as stupid as that sounds!

Literally, vampires were everything to me growing up.

It was more than an obsession, is there a stronger word for that?

Since last month, the urge to write anything pertaining to vampires has got out of control – yes, I have a children’s story I am working on where there is a small vampire scene so I haven’t completely given up on them – but I miss the focus on vampires as a whole theme.

Today in particular is really bad, today I have the energy and the emotional space to write and potentially write at length, but all I can think about are those vampires I have abandoned.

Finishing their stories, seeing new scenes, writing stories for minor characters within the books and just generally getting them out there; I am trying so hard to ignore it and as dumb as it may sound to you, it brings me to tears to think it would be a waste of time writing them like I really want to – because nobody would want them and I only write because I want my stories to appear on TV someday – there is no other motivation for it, other than the pleasure of it.  I can’t waste three hours a day on my vampires if it were to affect my writing for other things that would be published and adored.

Because I would hardly write towards those other things, so I have to choose my secondary and third loves.

But my secondary choice is getting to the extent where people are getting tired of those too – dragons.

I will now share my main ten themes with you, that I enjoy, the first and second have already been mentioned above.

My third one is gaining popularity right now and I am hoping that society won’t be bored of them before the series is published and that is anthropomorphic animals.

My fourth favourite theme are anything pertaining to childhood wonder, Christmas and Easter stories, Santa, The Easter Bunny, nursery rhyme worlds, toys coming to life, that sort of thing.

My fifth favourite theme to write are stories about inventors and gadget creators in a post-apocalyptic world.

My sixth choice has never really been a hugely popular theme, giants – but I am hoping my style will change that.

My seventh favourite theme are stories about descent into madness or haunting memories.

The eighth theme is anything with regards to circus performers, carnivals, fairgrounds, fortune tellers and clowns.

The ninth favourite theme to write about is stereotypical war between gods and the underworld and the battle of control over mortality and or power.

The tenth theme are stories about magical water/sea creatures or sea life, such as pirates, mermaids, kelpies and sea monsters.

Those are the themes I love the most to write.

Before I got self-confident about writing my vampires, I would write my vampires a third of the time I wrote per day and I wrote every day because I really looked forward to spending time with my vampires and it was what got me up every morning!

Nothing else excites me in the same way anymore and it’s really disheartening.

As idiotic as I may sound, to me it is like I have betrayed my whole existence and theirs by not paying attention to them (the vampires) anymore!

My vampires in my opinion are sort of unique to the world of fiction, but sort of already done in other parts too – but I can’t help but think that they are getting old-fashioned or they are overdone and that not many people would want them.  My vampires are not violent enough or are too unethical to be wanted so it leaves me in a state of overwhelming confusion.

I am fortunate enough to have friends who love vampires and demand them from me, but hey they are friends and they are gothic, of course they would – but I am not dissing my friends, but just how many people would want these vampires?

I know the vampire fandom is pretty big, but the vampire fans that are occurring these days are less and less about traditional vampires and more and more into what I regard the slasher kind of vampire and I am sorry to say but my vampires are far more refined than that and romance with mortals is rare or unheard of in their world.

So there it is…

I have said what has been on my mind for months – I want to write vampires.

But they will have to come after Project AD and the Easter project now.

Thanks for reading!

What is summer?

I guess I am boring, but summer is my least favourite season of the year, I don’t like it when it’s too hot and too hot for me is anything over 25c/77f I think it’s because warm air is really bad for my asthma and I don’t like sweating outside of my control!

The big positive about summer though is it’s really nice to my arthritis; I have less pain in summer and I am more likely to be active in temperatures of 17c to 24c which is around 62 to 75f.  Paul thinks I was born for Hawaiian or Californian climates, but meh – I don’t think so, too dry?  I love my woodlands and would miss seeing moss and oaks and things like that – but it’s tempting knowing I’d be in less pain!

Paul nearly got us to move to Seattle a few years back as he was nearly offered a job there, but he refused on grounds that Henry wanted to stay at his current school; if Henry had taken the idea of trusting what we wanted, we’d be migrating back to the UK around now, because Paul is of retirement age and Henry would probably of had a slight American accent – he’d have been there from 7yrs old to now 12yrs old.

Summer is nice for park walks and beaches if it’s not too hot, but the best thing for me about the summer is the fact that watermelon and berries are abundant – I can live on watermelon alone during the summer if I could!

Another good thing about summer is ice-play in the bedroom, but I have had boring and wimpy exes that run from those ideas – well all but one ex and funnily enough it was another woman – no men seem to like the idea of ice!

I like the summer rain, warm with scatterings of rainbows and going for walks in it if it’s light.

Gardening has to be done in the very early morning or late at night around half an hour before twilight or it will kill you if it’s over 24c/75f.

People are happier in the summer, which is a bonus, but I hate how crowded places in nature can get during this time of year – I go out in nature to be at one and in solitude with it, but in the summer it’s hard to find a place without other people!

Midsummer used to mean parties for me, as Midsummers night is special here as a solstice, but also a couple of days later is a joint birthday between my dad and my brother and there was always a big family celebration about it!  A huge BBQ and what have you.

I love BBQs.

Another one of my favourite things is going to pick your own farms, especially the strawberry fields! I don’t think summer has happened unless I’ve gone to one of those and I love garden centres and nursery shopping!

I have always wanted to partake in country fairs, but never had the opportunity really to.

But summer is not my favourite season; this is probably why this entry is short! 

I like swimming in warm waters and tend to be even more of a water baby on really hot summer’s days because I think I am half Piscean or something – lol – well I know I am a Pisces ascendant in any case!

I am not the kind of person who sun bathes, I’m a bit of a vampire really, a true mythological mermaid!

Thanks for reading!

The dream me

In my dreams I am not me

My hair is white and crimply

It shines like glitter in the light

My eyes like topaz shines in the night

I am dressed in white with a gold band

And there stands my gentleman with me hand in hand

I’m not fat in those dreams of mine

I am slim and lithe and look so fine

I am like a fairy of the night

In my dreams a beautiful sight

When I wake and in the mirror see

That I am not who I want to be

It’s like a horror story unfolding

This real body of mine needs some moulding

So this is why I work so hard

To try and fight off all the lard

And someday I will happy be

When I look in the mirror to see me

This poem was a long time coming. I really do have dreams where I look like that, I am pretty sure its what my soul looks like; but my real body is literally its polar opposite.

What I find weird about all of this is that when I was a baby till I was 6yrs old my hair was white just like that and I was underweight, then suddenly I got dark and piled on the pounds.

So weird, it was around the time my hair went dark that my mother started to turn against me. I think she thought I’d always be like that.

Today, I feel glamorous and playful. I might be in one of those days of being undecided what to wear. But I do feel like its a red day for me and I would probably make more effort in putting on make up and doing my hair today, if I could afford the cosmetics.

I also feel sexier than normal, so I would opt for split skirts and cleavage boosting clothing and sexy boots.

I’d probably wear daring make up too, I feel daring today.

I know into yesterday evening my looks for the day started to change into the idea of being a peachy or cerise kawaii. That often happens, I shift my ideas of fashion some days where I would want to be two or three things at various times in the day.

But today it’s sexy red clothing, like some kind of silky vampire, with silky clingy knee high sexy boots and vampiric make up. Figure permitting! This is an idealism if I had a body to match my vision.

Instead I sort of look like a saucy sailor.

Happy reading!

Rekindled love

I am really very excited today, so excited in fact, that I have decided to write a second post for today that has been written today!

I am reeling over the work I have done for project AD; never before have I trusted my instincts to write a story like a pantzer, project AD was definitely planned, but it’s being pantzed a lot as I am going on, I am not sticking to my normal rigid formula and its working, it’s working wonders!

I am so happy, for the first time since 2015 I am beginning to love writing again!

I was scared that I might have to announce an extra month for the project deadline, but I am pretty sure that now I know what I am doing and what the characters want from me, the faster this story is going to be finished. 

My deadline is still October but maybe not Friday the 21^st October as I didn’t realise when I randomly chose the date that it’s the end of the week – so I may post it a couple of days later for the Monday or perhaps even a few days earlier, who knows?

All I know is, that this story is making me feel energised and happy again – I no longer dread the process of writing, just to silence the muse, I am now loving it again.  It’s an amazing feeling I can tell you.

I believe 100% that the love for writing has come about because there are vampires in the subplot and it is those vampires that are making me love writing again.

Now does that mean all my stories will have a vampire subplots?  No, but there is more to me than just vampires, I love most dark mythology and this project was always intended to have some of those.  I never planned for dark fae in this storyline nor did I plan to have children which the protagonist is protecting, but it is all coming together and it is doing so, very nicely!

Thanks for reading!