Justice sleeps

Justice has skipped a few in my time

Overlooked the many

Hardly anyone whose done crime been caught

That’s the reality I’ve seen in this world

For you, a scary thought… but reality nonetheless

You think I jest?

I’ve seen what should have been unseen

I’ve learned what should have been unlearned

I’ve heard what should have been unheard

But the bird, the little dickie bird chirped

Loud and clear, so I could hear

What the world is like for me

Opened my eyes so I could see

The lack of justice in this world

My mind whirled with insecurities

Of all the obscurities that seemed to surpass the eyes it needed to be stopped

But often justice was blocked

Crimes unsolved and never to be resolved

They say that times have evolved but I don’t see into what?

Crimes rates are going down, what rot!

Not the reality I see and live everyday

In every single way, I see things sway in and out of sight like flashes of lightning

My world is frightening

Because here is where justice sleeps

And here is where the innocent weeps

And here is where there is always pain

Because they have eluded justice again

The S*it filled lands

Oh what an amateur in bitch craft

Your boat sank now make a raft

Float on those pissy waters you’ve made

Swallow it down like apple ade

Just have enough of the masquerade

To hold your pride in your hands

Sail forth away in your hideaway

Towards the shit filled lands

Toilet world awaits

You have pissed off the fates

With your lies and jealous rants and violence

Now comes karma to make you silent

For the shock of when the shit hits the fan

You’ll be dreaming of the shit filled lands

And resting upon the toilet roll

In your sleep as your tongue lolls

In the exhaustion of running away

To save your ass for another day!

Insomnia & overwhelm

Plans are ruined, last night I was writing and adding new posts to be scheduled for my blog with the sole intention of having three poems and a life update blog post for the next four days in a row, but insomnia messed the plans up.

How?

I wrote a vampire poem alongside a poem generalising death without context, but really if you read both poems it would connect together and make sense.

I accidentally posted the second half before the first half at the time I wrote them but on the 4^th of November instead of tomorrow, because my brain hasn’t registered what day it is, rather than scheduling it for the 30^th at 11:15am which was my intention. 

Realising my mistake too late, I had to shift the time to post it five minutes after the time I amended it because my subscribers would have got a notification for the post but would be too confused at the date being the 4^th November 2023 rather than today and rightfully so!

So then for the second half poem to make sense, I had to post it for five minutes ahead of where I was as I was amending it and the first half five minutes before it; If that makes sense?

Basically, I woke up most of my European fans at 5:30am – sorry about that!

Well the poems are about vampires…

Actually the history of these poems is far weirder…

I wrote the second half about a month ago when I was having a severe bout of depression, so in actuality it had nothing to do with vampires, but how I felt in apathy about life at the time.  Thing is – reading it after writing the vampire poem last night, made me see that subconsciously the poems connected and if posted correctly (which didn’t happen) would do two things… they’d complement each other well and bringing out this second poem which was destined for the trash can, was a way of me sending out more work regularly.

A stock piled poem of sorts…

I do have stockpiles of poems that are not predicted to ever be published on neither this blog nor anywhere else for that matter.

Some poems are too dark or sordid or bitter to post ever, anywhere, anyhow – I keep stockpiles because perhaps someday, posthumously, they’ll get published.

Always good to plan ahead!

Ha-ha!

Anyway, about my insomnia… it’s a strange beast.

I slept one hour and forty five minutes on Monday afternoon from waking up at 1:15pm Sunday afternoon from a five hour and forty minute sleep – Saturday I woke up at 3:50pm from going to sleep at 9:45am… my sleep timetable is all over the place and I rarely sleep more than six hours a stretch.

But, last night I got to bed early for me… around 3am and I didn’t wake up until 1:15pm again, so that was nearly ten hours, which is incredibly odd and rare for me to get more than six hours!

Therefore because I got so much sleep, I am not at all tired tonight and I am writing this at 6am I’ve been awake for seventeen hours and I don’t think I’ll get to sleep for at least another three hours from how I am currently feeling.

I am trying to force myself to stay awake for as long as possible now, with no more than a ninety minute nap during the day if I can help it – so I can try and get to bed before 1:30am tonight – because for the past month in particular, I have been trying to desperately change my sleeping habits, because I have a new life coming to me.

I need to get into a normal routine, or I am going to mess things up hugely!

On a positive note, my sleeping patterns being all over the place – the potential upheaval my life is about to have, could benefit from this as there is a lot of travelling predicted.

I don’t like travelling, but still, it’s going to be a necessary part of my new life soon and I better get used to it!

I have a secret up my sleeves my dears and it’s not going to be revealed for a long while yet.

But yeah, don’t laugh; I have a sort of double life…

All will be revealed soon enough, but right now it’s just not the time and it would be completely inappropriate as there are other people involved and I would like to honour their wishes, so I am zipped until further notice!

But it’s so awesome and exciting!

For now I am still living at Paul’s but that’s changing, my Henry is staying with Paul because he doesn’t want to leave his friends at school right now and we’ve come to an agreement about that.  It’s all good, we are separating on good terms – Paul is a nice guy, but we just have different ideas about what life and relationships should be.

So I have chosen to move away from him and I do indeed have a new relationship, but as I said, I am honouring this man and he will remain anonymous until further notice.

The idea of potentially going on a dating site is held off until the first week of January, because this guy is really stepping up big time, I’ve never known a guy to move mountains like this before and so I feel I have to really honour him in return. 

He was warned about the dating site because I was getting apathetic that he was ever really going to do anything with our potential relationship, but now he is really pushing forwards and I can see the efforts now.

But you can tell I am bursting here can’t you?

It doesn’t matter how long it takes for him to get here, he will get here eventually he is determined and he is so bloody sweet too!

He’ll do it, we’re destined we’re both convinced of it and we both have the same plans for life and family and everything!  He too has a creative career, but unlike me he is being paid for it lol. 

I have so many good vibes about him, we’re so alike in a lot of ways but in others completely opposite, but it’s like the kind of opposites which balance each other rather than challenge each other if you get me?

I do have imposter syndrome regarding him though, because he is such an awesome dude and I am so used to people being like… “meh” with me, lol and taking me for granted and then he comes along and knocks me off my feet with how he appears to be a super fan of me and that’s just like… whoa dude… you’re my fan?  What reality have I stepped into exactly?

Why are you doing these things in your life for me?

It’s both flattering and awkward all at once…

This has been brewing for a long time and this is what has kind of shell-shocked me for the past few months to a year… I’ve been absorbing, what’s going on in my life and I have to reawaken many of my old given up dreams, because WOAH – I’ve been asked to… I’ve been asked to slow down and gather my thoughts – breathe, enjoy the process… go with the flow… relax… work on my health… work on self-care and self-love… shake all my nasty past away from me… get rid of that mind-set of lack… and get ready to embrace the life he is bringing to me full on!

A year later… I am still completely and utterly… not breathing how I should be… I am hyperventilating in fact… lol

I am so going to try NOT to be juggernaut when I finally meet this guy face to face for the first time!

Thing is I am 240 pounds and incredibly strong!

So good luck with me being that delicate butterfly I once wrote about me being!  Ha-ha!

Candles are calming me down… flame gazing in particular.

Next year is going to be so awesome… and my stomach is going to hate me in more ways than one!

Inhale confidence and exhale fear!

Remember the words of Mel Robbins – Anxiety is the same chemical reaction in your brain to excitement, don’t think about being anxious train your brain to make you believe that you are excited!

I can see me chanting I am excited, I am excited, I am excited all freaking year and still running to the toilet and saying… I also feel sick!

Lol… anxiety is the bane of my life!

Thanks for reading and hopefully understanding…

Previous post

Yesterday’s poem was written about 3 months ago and was put on a schedule and I totally forgot about it, don’t worry about me.

There’s about another thirty of these scattered, I might miss those too, but I do try to reschedule them if I remember to check once a week to see what’s going out.

Sorry for the confusion and worry.

But I am going through a rough patch mentally at the same time, but not like that poem…

I’ve also been suffering from a lot of headaches in the past few days too, hence why posts have seemingly slowed down.

I’m trying to make a point in getting more done today, even though I feel bleh about it all today.

I’ve had four hours of disturbed sleep; in the past two weeks my average nightly sleep is 3 hours of disturbed sleep, sometime up to 6 hours.

It’s probably why I have a headache.

I am undereating and under sleeping.

Actually for the first time in ages I’ve lost three pounds in one week, whereas I have been losing a steady half pound to a pound a week.

Anyway

Thanks for reading

Hippy child & hedgehog invasion

A lazy day today, real lazy, I slept something like five hours longer than normal and didn’t realise the time at all when I woke up – it’s frustrating because I went to sleep four or five hours earlier than I normally do because I want to get into a new routine!  Ironic really!

Though I think I’ve caught the cold Paul and Henry has, as I am achy and bleh!

If I could dress however I wanted to today how would I?

A light cotton dress made useless by a hugely thick knee length fleece cardigan, white dress potentially and rainbow cardigan – I want to wear large beaded jewellery, so I would probably have three different length necklaces on, wooden beads with copper or brass and bracelets to match.

It’s not summer and it’s not a warm day, but I am crazy enough to wear sandals with this because I know I will be warm with that cardy. 

As lazy as I feel I’d actually make more effort with my hair today and have them done with curling tongs, so I have a cute but scruffy rainbow dolly look to me.

I may even do something I really love and wear one of my knitted plaits in my hair and maybe attach a couple of feathers to it.

Basically I want to look like a child from Peter Pan’s lost boys or like something that fell out of my all-time favourite TV series, The Tribe, today.

It’s an OK day to be gardening, dry at any rate – so I’d have probably have been out there today if it wasn’t for the bad neighbour.  Especially as I seem to have window trained a great tit to befriend me in the last few days, I have a feeling he’d actually sit on my lap or something if I were outside he doesn’t seem afraid of me when I am at the window and he has come up to look at me within 3 inches and I move and he doesn’t flinch.

As I said before, when it comes to wildlife, I am a bit of a Disney Princess.

Talking of which I had a dream last night that six hedgehogs came into the garden one after the other and walked into the house and wouldn’t leave and as I was trying to encourage them to get out, they hid.  When Paul felt that they can’t live in the house, he went to chase them out and as he did so they all slowly morphed into porcupines instead and aggressively tried to defend themselves from being man handled. 

Paul was so upset in the dream he phoned up a specialist to get rid of this very problem, the man came and said that the hedgehog/porcupine problem is down to him not remembering things for me and not taking care of me properly, so the porcupines are trying to fill in his duties.

Paul sarcastically said what like doing the washing up etc?  This made the entire four little baby porcupines become bigger than their largest parent and they all chased Paul – I don’t know what happened to Paul in the dream after that, but I was confused and went into the garden.

I nearly trod on a frog and the frog was sitting in a crack in the patio looking at me.  When the hedgehog/porcupine specialist came out into the garden and was on the phone to somebody – he then turned to me and said that someone special has arranged a party for me and that they are going to be coming soon.

I was confused because nobody visits us.

So, when people started letting themselves into my house to set up the party in the garden I was amazed to find loads of people there, mostly celebrities, like Queen, Whitesnake and a bunch of others.

I never did find Paul again in the dream.

I woke up when someone behind me kiss me on the cheek and cuddled me from behind, whilst Brian May was about to start on his guitar for me.

Weird dream, but fun!

I think that the hedgehogs is something to do with my inability to do art because of my art table being used for other things – hedgehogs are one of the main animals I tend to paint and draw with confidence.

Thanks for reading!

A boy’s unconscious battle

Legs akimbo and arms too, laying on the bed a little boy fast asleep visiting the land of dreams as moonbeams paint the room a silver glow.

His white sheet alive with action slithers like a tentacle around his hips and the boy slowly and sleepily coiled in its clutches; teddy bears fall in line to pull the tentacle away and rescue the boy their friend.

The boy twists in and out and in again getting further and further tangled in the octopods tentacle as he too, grows tentacles to go into battle to save himself as he continues in his slumber – an unconscious battle for freedom done in slow motion in the moonlit sea of silver and blue.

Teddy bears thrashed to the floor all around helpless they lay motionless on the ground. 

When morning comes all is peaceful, the boy well rested springs up from his bed like he had been catapulted kicking his allies across the room knocking them into unconscious sleep for another day.

For tonight, there is a new battle!

Written 3:02am 3rd March 2023

Sea of teddy bears

Drowning in a sea of teddy bears

Arms and legs akimbo everywhere

Snuffling and snorkelling in the sea of fluff

Fast asleep in mounds of stuff

A lumpy duvet collected by your head

As pillows have fallen from your bed

You slumber into a world of dreams

Where nothing is quite as it seems

Never knowing who lurks by the door

Watching you and listening to your sleepy snore

Sighing as they know so well

That soon adulthood will cast its spell

And you won’t be like that in a year or three

Because that is how it’s meant to be

You’ll grow up and leave this place

To go off into the world your dreams to chase

And you will be the one by the door

Watching your children as they snore

And seeing them go and chase their dreams

Because this is the way of life it seems

Written 3rd March 2023 2:32am

Diary of a damned rat

My post “Damned Rat” is a diary entry.

That’s how my day went yesterday.

We’ve got a damned rat, in fact everyone in our terrace block has; it’s a new thing – we never had rats before.  They came to live with us because our neighbour at the bottom of the block has chickens in their garden and they store hay, flour and grains in their attic.

It wouldn’t be so bad, but considering four out of ten rooms of our house is pack rats haven its murder trying to find the rat – or rather it is difficult to find the rat to murder it.

The rat situation has kept me up until 7am because I can sense Paul’s fear in the other room. 

I managed to sleep, only for an hour later to be woken up with a panicking shouting Paul about how the rat has eaten its way through our main water pipe and there is a flood in our kitchen and how this could potentially put us in debt by £500 again.  Thankfully it was a false alarm, the rat didn’t do it – it was innocent, or as innocent as a rat can be that is.

I was like a zombie, I tried to go back to sleep when Paul took Henry to town to buy guillotine traps as an act of vengeance for the succulent plants I had, which the rat destroyed in its attempt of a feast.

I nurtured them from cuttings for years.

Cyril is our lemon tree, which will be next no doubt, it’s the only vegetation in the house that the rat could eat next, we can’t move it, and he is in a 50 litre pot and is around 4ft tall.

I don’t think we will laugh about this tomorrow, personally.

So yes, that prose was more or less biographical.

Thanks for reading.

Damned rat

A rude awakening

A flood in the kitchen

Damned rat

Damned water pipe

Damn everything

Sleepy head

Near collapsing

They’ve gone out

Sleep again

Another rude awakening

Or three

Or four

Damned rat

Get the guillotines

Damned rat

My heart aches for the succulents

Let Cyril live rat

Triumph, we have water

But there will be no bath

Dinner was light and boring

Tomorrow will we laugh?

Written 01:11am 26th February 2023

Writer’s insomnia

Must I write when the world is black and everyone’s lulled to sleep?

May I not sit with muse when the sun ejects his shards of light?

Do I have to be present with my muse at night?

Or is sadism he’s delight?

For I can only ever write

When there is an absence of the light…

Is my muse a demon?

Is my muse so dark?

Is my muse only really having a lark?

For my mind can’t settle to sleep at night

It only thinks and plays

This insomnia a writer has, keeps us in our daze

A tragedy we know so well

We write when he sits and tells

We can’t be free of our muse

We cannot sit and choose

What to do and when and how

We can only sit in the boat he sails

And lose another day