Blogs journey

My blog exists because I wanted an outlet to write about my life and my journey in defining myself; I also wanted a place to put short stories and poetry as and when I did them.

Nothing is edited, nothing gets a second or third draft and that doesn’t mean I don’t care about my craft or care about my readers; it’s that I care about putting words out into the world freestyle on a format, to get them out of my system.

I want and need one place in the world where I am not expected to be perfect, but having the knowledge that I am being listened to, even if it’s only by a couple of people!

I take more care in other places where I write.

I don’t use this blog as a promotional website, because I am not yet in the process of promoting any work!

I need this space to freely write, without thinking about grammatical errors and punctuation or even stressing over the content and its exact execution!

As a creator, when I write outside of this blog – I am more cautious, I am very stressed because from the first draft, into the second, into the third, I am stressing all the time about every single word and every single phrase, every character, dialogue, punctuation mark and how well its executed that it sometimes burns me out worrying about it all.

This blog exists to do away with that, whilst not stunting the process of writing.

So I don’t burn out entirely from my creative pursuits.

This blog is not a promotional piece.

This blog isn’t even what I set out for it to be!

I had fully planned when I started this blog that I would write one short story a week without fail!  That I would write two or three poems a week without fail, with daily updates on my life and other creative pursuits – photography, art, updating about my bigger projects, the novels, the song writing, the musical compositions and my foray into finding myself and my fashion interests!

None of that has happened.

In the time I’ve written this blog I should have published 500 short stories by now and approximately 1800 poems and 500 life updates amongst other things – but instead, I think there’s only  been about 10 short stories over the years and half of those were deleted to put elsewhere in the world, edited!

This website is dominated by poetry and that wasn’t the goal either, it was meant to be a mixture of art and fantasy short stories mostly, with an emphasis on life updates and personal journey of self-discovery!

I’m forty two years old in October; I’m easily stressed by the concept of having to be perfect at my craft, my work, my housekeeping – I need stress free outlets like this blog to keep me sane and focused on freedom of expression, without picky little people demanding I be perfect as they take it as a personal slight as my reader if I appear too carefree in how its written!

I’m not going to apologise for not making this as pristine as a book, because my blog is NO reflection on the work I produce in a book!  The qualities of my poems I think are higher and that’s not a slight on you as my blog readers – that’s just me being picky with myself.

I don’t need others to be picky about me too!

I’m already far too hard on myself – to listen to that!

I know those who have commented to me about my work are either trolls or they are trying to sell me the proofreading services; I’m not an idiot, I know the quality of this blog by professional standards – sucks!

But this blog is meant to be freestyle, carefree, freedom of expression, a place to talk and laugh and cry without judgement.

I don’t need proof-readers coming here making me feel bad about my standard of craft.

Because they haven’t seen the painstaking work I’ve done outside the blog, have they?

As I haven’t allowed it to be exist for seven years; I used to be an article writer for several places online and even a Wikipedia contributor.

I have had one book published when I was in my early twenties, but it is out of print now.  It was only a fifty page horror story about the biggest monster in the history of horror that has never been considered a monster… humanity itself.

Outlining all their faux pas and the horrible things they’ve done to other creatures over the years, especially those creatures they’ve demonised or hunted to extinction!

I have a copy here in my house, I have been thinking about doing a rewrite as I feel there’s a lot more to add to it.

But who knows?

I am called The Tardy Creative for a reason.

Tardy in my creations because of two things… mental health getting in the way and too many ideas pushing each other out; that I am like a kid in a candy store running here and there capturing whatever I can and then finding out I only have such and such room left in my bag; maybe put this back and add that and take that out too because this is much better and so on!

In my time writing this blog I have had 189 novel ideas and have only half completed approximately 7 which are non-vampire based or children’s picture books and a further 11 which are still in their first quarter! 

I’ve had about 50 short story ideas but only completed approximately 20 and less than 10 were published here! 

To every three poems I write at least one is never published anywhere! 

This blog is 11yrs old.

It’s all approximations above, I am probably completely wrong – but I do know about there being 189 unique story ideas because I have a story idea journal with half page synopsis for each of them and that’s how many I’ve had since this blog existed!

Thing is… I’ve lost that blooming journal!  I’ve got a new idea to add to it, so I should say 190!

I’ve got a feeling I’ve packed it in one of the boxes to protect it from damage as there’s issues in the house…

Well I blooming hope I have in any case!

I should really add those to my cloud so if I lose it again it’s no big deal!

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest!

It was brewing for a couple of hours and then I read something online again about proofreading and professionalism in your blog and it kind of set me off a bit!

I’m getting incredibly hot-headed as I am getting older, lol.

I can see me being part of the panel of “grumpy old women” someday!

Actually all jokes aside I’ve spoken to one of the panel and she’s actually quite a good laugh – not dropping names!

Anyway!

Thanks for reading! 

Curses and pens

Quiet as the creativity in your soul

Not me

For this creators tongue cannot be bound

Your power is unwound

For not one can quieten me

The price you’ll pay for such charms

You owe me

Here’s the fee

To lose your voice in all things

No ability to cry

Unheard by all

That’s how you’ll fall

Fool

Never oust another’s spirit

I undo your spell

Here I’ll clear it

Never to be quieten again

Not by women or men

I shall write and take a pen

For with each curse you throw

I am born again!

Amen

I am the dreamer

I am the dreamer of worlds

The goddess of dragons and more

Deep within my mind I make civilisations at war

I make rich men beggars at the skip of a heart beat

And I lure victims to vampires, so that they can eat

I design oceans that rage and roar and I create phoenixes in the sky that soar!

I can take life and give it back

There is no talent that I lack

For I am the creator fair and true

And I can make heaven or hell for you

I am a writer and I will think

New lives a plenty and ships that sink

I am all powerful within my mind

Because I have left reality behind

How to kill an artist

There is a broken bridge in the creative heavens

Where creators steal other worlds

Make them their own and change things

Make them straight when they ought to be curled

It’s a tragedy to see it

When a creator can’t create

For they need to take another’s work

To put food on their plates

How proud do they feel when they do it?

Does it feed their soul?

I live in doubt of the truth of that

If I may be so bold?

How hungry is the creator who takes another’s art?

How starved and deranged are they? 

If they could eat another’s heart!

For I have seen it happen

The scope of vicious duels

Of two creators in battle

For one who won’t use their tools

And I have seen the tragedies it causes in their lives

As depression rips them soundly, as though they’re stabbed with knives

They can’t live with what they do and they know it’s wrong and bad

But they can’t help it really and that’s what makes it sad

To kill another artist for the want of fame and gold

It pounds reality into me

And makes my blood run cold

A soulless tragedy

In my heart and mind I am many things

Which I’m not you see

Because I only act a little part of me

For people don’t like others who are bright and bold and brave

Who think they are better people

So they seek to berate and scathe

Yet look inside my heart and soul and you will surely see

All the people locked inside, the people who are truly me!

I am an empress and I rule with an iron might

My tongue commands great armies and send enemies into flight

But I am also a bird that flies up high and it is truly free

To sing any song she wishes, who dares to silence me?

I am the wind which blows at you, air both hot and cold

And sweeps you off your feet sometimes and lose my self-control

And like an angel I am mild and meek, I will care with tender love

And often I will mediate for peace just like the blessed dove

I am a monster and I am fierce, you don’t want to bother me

And I shall tickle you with bites, just like a little flea

I am flash and I am loud, yet I am dull and quiet too

I am many people you know and don’t, you really have no clue

For I am hidden within myself, I am ashamed you see

To show you who I really am

And what I could be

Though mostly I am a creator

I make worlds with words and paint

I create people and creatures too and I do so without restraint

I create vast worlds for your mind to explore

And all I wish for you is for you to adore

And live within these worlds of mine within your very mind

And love it with all your heart and inspiration find

So you too can create like me, your own little universe

And write good poems, songs and stories and a little verse

So you can feel important too and like you have a place

And ignore all the haters who try to stop you with disgrace

Because one thing that is true and clear

The arts are important my dear

For without it we inhuman be

And soulless we will live in tragedy

And never more shall we love each little gem we find

For our hearts will be black and cold

Because we’ve lost our mind

To imagination I commit

I create words and dreams

I inspire and trigger

I paint and scribble

I have no quibble

To do what I do

For me

For you

I colour

I talk

I dream

I walk

I am that I am

And nothing more

What do you need an explanation for?

I am me

And this is it

A simple creator

To imagination I commit

Synchronised post

I yearn to do a lot of art and what is strange is, just as I wrote those first eight words, I paused because the TV said “You have what it takes to be a great creator” weird coincidence, but I digress.

I want to make art doesn’t seem right, it is more than that – it’s becoming a need.  I want to write my stories too, but making art is a deeper pull for me right now.

I’ve kind of found my style, I believe.

In the past few days I have been practising art and I am feeling happier for it.

When I was a child I was obsessed with what my teacher called “cutting and pasting” but I realised recently, it was actually collaging.

This is very strange, the TV just spoke about “finding your inner child” just as I spoke about a childhood memory, you know – the synchronicities happening in my life lately is driving me bonkers, I am bombarded by so many of them lately!

Paul has noticed it too, noticed the TV or the radio appearing to be on the same wavelength as my conversations with him, particularly when those conversations are about seeking a new relationship or doing anything with regards to creative pursuits.

Anyway, I digressed again.

I have decided to throw myself into junk journaling, abstract conceptualism and collaging, mixed media art that sort of thing.

I started to follow several people on Instagram for art, the people I follow on YouTube mostly and somebody there sent me a private message and noted that I have this blog and wondered why I only post up facial pictures of myself and not my art.  I didn’t really think about that before they mentioned it, because most of the time I post my art on DeviantArt – but I am considering adding them on Instagram.

Problem is that I don’t have a very good head for technology and a lot of the photos I put on my Instagram get cropped by Instagram in annoying ways and I don’t understand it – so most of the pictures I want to put up get deleted because Instagram did a boo boo.

If you get me?

I will try again in the future, so there’s a heads up for you…

Thanks for reading!

Reading, Writing and Psychotic Creators

I am most unusual for a fantasy, sci-fi and horror fans for the fact that I don’t actually read or watch much of the big famous stuff like Game of Thrones, Supernatural, Angel, Being Human, 24, etc.

I don’t do it on purpose, it is almost always accidental or because something has got into the way of me being able to watch or read it, finances or simply not having access to a certain television channel or the time to watch copious amounts of TV in general.  I am also unusual for modern humanity in general, I watch approximately six hours of television a week and that is about it, unless of course it is a special occasion, such as Spring Watch and the other Watch programs or the BBC Proms, Crufts or the RHS shows.  Then you have to consider I don’t watch a lot of what I want to watch because I sometimes lose my hearing completely due to an ear disease I have and regular infections.

I am also an extremely slow reader.  An average reader reads at the rate of 250 words a minute, I can barely read 180 words a minute, 150 words a minute ensures I comprehend at least 73% of what I’ve read and can relay it, and I’ve done an online test for that.  http://www.readingsoft.com/index.html#results

All of this is strange because when I read non-fiction I must faster and I have a better comprehension rate, I can read about 300 words per minute with a comprehension of 84%, but I can understand it – when I read fiction I visualise too much, like I am watching a movie, I read it with a voice in my head; when I read non-fiction the voice goes and I more or less skim read but I actually remember what I am reading more.

Anyway the cusp of the subject for this post is that I am not well versed in the subjects I love the most simply because I don’t read as much as the average fan of those genres, or at least what I do read are very obscure to present fans of those genres because they are from authors who are hardly known or were a big thing in the Victorian age or the 60s, 70s and 80s. 

I tend to stumble upon movies and forgotten television series that had flopped, sank or got axed due to lack of interest from the public or were simply rated as B movies.  So after talking to several fans of these genres about what I love the most, they often say to me “So you really love crap then huh”?  This hurts, because I find those so called B movies more diverse and fresh than the big stuff.  OK the acting is often poor along with the special effects but the imagination for bigger things is there, but the average observer doesn’t see that, especially if they are not creatively inclined.

For me, a lot of my ideas come from these forgotten (or tucked away in shame) shores.  Told this, those people who know me can’t understand how my work is as good as it is, they say to me “but surely if you fill your brain with such rubbish you will produce rubbish, I think you should lay off these things in case it starts polluting away your actual talent”.  I feel flattered for that, but I also feel that if I started to read and watch the more popular big stuff, then I will start to look like everyone else and I won’t come across as fresh.

Now, I have had almost an instinctive inclination to NEVER read or watch certain fantasies especially.  I never knew why my instinct acts up whenever I try to read a handful of the big stuff, but it became clear to me in the last couple of days when I actually ignored this instinct and decided to read the first book in The Game of Thrones.  I am only 76 pages in and I have almost lost the will to continue the 2 fantasy novel ideas I had because there are 7 major things in this book that matches exactly what I have been writing for the last decade, even down to names and clothing descriptions.  Now I am trying to sit myself down and talk to my inner creator rationally about how it is not such a big thing because those are just names and names of events etc. the actual idea is not going to be copyright invasion because it is going to be a very different story, but my inner creator hasn’t stopped whining about this yet.  My inner creator was sure that I may have accidentally slipped up online a few years ago about my plans, but I had to remind my inner creator that this book was published when we were 17 and we only started on our idea when we was around 21.  I do have to treat my creator self as though I am a separate person because this is how I cope with it all, so excuse me if I sound a little you know… psychotic. 

I have an idea so far into the book that is a similar story to the war of the roses but with a fantasy twist, this is how Game of Thrones looks to me so far.  My story isn’t like that, my story is much different, yes there are royals and there is war, but the factions are not warring against themselves, families are not warring with each other if they are blood related, there is a different factor.  I am also trying to tell my inner creator the idea of the 12 banners I had can still be effective, because in ancient Earth cultures every clan had a war banner, this is not going to harm my novel or our reputation at all.  But she still panics.

When you want to be a writer you have to separate yourself from your work to maintain some sort of sanity and control over your initial tantrums, your initial emotions, you have to sort of step outside of yourself and talk to yourself like you are somebody else.  If you struggle in doing this, then these sorts of things will consistently stop you from writing and you will not finish anything; because you throw your novel across the room in a fit of rage about the unfairness of the world and sulk for the rest of your life about it, whereas it is totally unnecessary because your book will be very different.  If you sit back and view the whole situation as a second person, you will rationalise it all and be able to continue the work you love.

I have had such irrational things spout out of my inner creators mouth that I had to more or less act like a patient psychiatrist to my inner creator and say to them… “Look, how can this be so?  The author who has stolen your BIG idea died in 1886” see how irrational your inner creator can get sometimes?

Just write whatever you want to, don’t worry about copying someone else or having someone else copy you, because you need to get over this first draft, then you can weed these similarities out.  The first draft doesn’t really matter that much, because there will be many, many drafts after it before it is polished.  That is how you can write and finish your book.

Also, if you need more convincing on this matter please read this book “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert, I consider her a genius on this kind of stuff.  Elizabeth Gilbert tells us that ideas are alive, they have a spirit of their own, they go from person to person looking for someone to write about them but sometimes the ideas are not happy with the result so they go on and on until they feel perfected by someone and oftentimes many people will get the same idea at the same time, but all of them with their individualities will be slightly different to each other.  No one can be 100% identical in the way you write, what you write, how you write it, how the ideas came to you and how others are going to feel about the work. 

Yes there are coincidences in the world, this is a world of constant coincidences and that is all it is “Coincidence”, synchronising a little from other brain waves, but never being 100% the same, just similar and you can’t get sued for being a little bit similar, unless of course you have copious amounts of sentences in your book which matches people identically, but that’s a different subject for a different time.

So stop procrastinating by reading this post and get on with your work.

I do write a lot actually… honest!

Quite a lot of the things I write day to day are in my mind, rubbish and unpublishable, however, by maintaining that stance on the things I do write, it has made my blog seem inactive and me as a writer inactive.  I actually do on average blow out more than 700 words per day just ranting at myself or brainstorming, some of the things are actually rather interesting to a few people apparently.  The things I generally write about are things I have researched in books or on programs etcetera, how they play in my mind and little quirks I think up.  Sometimes I write lazy and incredibly short stories under 500 words which will never be seen unless I put them on the blog – so I decided, well what is the harm?  Why not share this rubbish with people?  I have heard that what a creator thinks is rubbish turns out to be their best work by and large.

Creators Poem

I hold the moon and billions of suns in my hands, I love their endless glowing.
They shine gold and silver and blue and red and white and everything is on a wing, floating in my hands
And only I can hear them sing
I am veiled in midnight blue; I hold these wonders in my hands
I whisper life to everything, it is I who commands
I drift off gently in my sleep, careful not to drop them
My beautiful little jewels of life
I each day attend